Would We Seek Him?

Remembering Egypt is necessary. Without deliverance, no matter how pronounced, how could we even claim to have been saved?

If there hasn't been deliverance, even out of indifference to Christ, can we claim salvation?

And, even of what would superficially seem so slight a change as such a one who has experienced change from indifference to desire to know Christ...that is in fact a vast difference.

Because no one seeks Him, of themselves. Pride would sometimes seek to attest otherwise, but it's just not so.
No one seeks to serve Him, in truth, of themselves. Just as there are a host of alternate reasons folks might actually enter church ministry which don't ultimately involve Christ...then, seeking to serve Christ first, serving others through serving Him...is not something sought, outside of having revelation of who He is.

There are finite distinctions, is all. Point being, ultimately, that no matter how fine the distinction...if a heart has warmed to Christ--recognizing in any way what it means to pride and personal choice to acknowledge Jesus is Lord of all...which includes of even one's own ability to choose to act or not act, except that He would choose it... ...that's not something that would happen, in truth, except He changes the heart.

Outside of Him doing such a work, we all have done what we thought best, at any given moment--whether serving churches, becoming missionaries, or even becoming ministers...

...unless it's first taken in terms of a knowing that Christ being God means He has the sovereign prerogative to either allow or deny our acts, such that we would seek His direction before deciding to act...

...we're still (except for grace) largely acting out the will of the flesh.

His grace is vast, though. Vast enough to even account for such moves. Where, although He wasn't sought, He wasn't turned to for direction, and His will wasn't even a second thought...He yet still condescends to work through such self-efforts, oft in ways which aren't discernible as being heavenly manifestation.

When given an unction, as some say. Then, still, oft heavenly...even if not sought for clarity.

But the base motive, even if unrecognized often, for those who are regenerate...is to draw nearer to Him, to know His love (thus to love) more deeply--Him and, perforce such experience, all others.

There is such a fine point of distinction along these lines, though, in terms of understanding.

What is understanding, according to the flesh, and understanding given by God?

If knowledge, true knowledge, finds its root in fear of God...and wisdom is knowing how to apply knowledge rightly, also beginning with fear of God..

...then what is understanding, except that it be rooted in fear of God, too, rather than fear of one's own propensities for flailing and faltering or even certainty in one's own ability to rightly divide, as perceived to be established according to the words and works of men?

These aren't trivial questions. And they are at root of so many bits of strangeness on both sides an extreme, even today.

If we are not to rely upon our own understanding, but trust in God with all our heart...acknowledging Him in everything (whether vocally or not), as He will direct our paths...

...then, how to know at what point that verges?

Is there any way to know, except it be revealed?

Same as regeneration. Is there any way to experience it, except God, Himself, intervene directly?
Or would we claim ourselves capable of mastering a means of manifesting His saving grace, still?

"Who is the sovereign?," is the point of division which underlies that process, really.

Are we still so proud to think ourselves capable of strong-arming God into acquiescence, so long as we proceed according to a particular pattern which He once honored?...without need of acknowledging He is living, constant, abiding, and present...and that it's by His will alone that each and every individual instance of regeneration occurs, rather than merely a matter of following rote and then expecting Him just to act according to otherwise unseen principles which ever seemed to apply, as outlined through much of Scripture?

Do we decide the process, according to our understanding of how He has intervened in the past? Or do we proceed according to His divine guidance, at any given moment?

Discerned according to a desire to know Him, and His leading...constantly sought. Per Scripture and all else which He has manifest as avenue. If you say Sola Scriptura as the only means to know God, then why do you pray? It is directed in Scripture that we seek God in all of life, as it goes--not only in those moments given to reading. And if He presently only manifests His will within Scripture, then at what point in history did regeneration of human spirits cease to occur? If He ceased to act in ways which are "miraculous" according to scientific understanding, then surely the highest of all such miracles would certainly have also ceased. Even as there are ways to reason either for or against anything and everything, then if the Holy Spirit would give discernment of the will of God, not in contrast but accord to Scripture...then hadn't that ought be honored?

If He no longer speaks, as some would say it's incongruous He would do so or otherwise such instances would be of equivalent weight to Scripture...then how and why do we seek Him to guide us in major life decisions, and even receive such direction, personal?

There's a false dilemma along those particular lines of thought, is all. Which, while Scripture is God's Word revealed to man...

...would we expect Him not to act amongst us, now, in accord with what He has ever done?

Just because we don't see things on a regular basis doesn't meant they don't occur. And just because we see things which appear to be a certain way...doesn't mean they actually are.

Same as both the Pharisees (those who believed in the supernatural, proceeding according to precepts they believed were godly, who yet were undiscerning in knowing the true ways of God) and the Sadducees (those who completely rejected and ignored the supernatural in favor of adhering to strict reliance upon Scripture for direction and interaction with the world, maintaining order) asked Jesus to perform a sign so they would believe in Him...

...same as then, would He now just randomly perform miracles on command, in ways they would be verified always by human understanding, just so to satisfy the minds of those who would rely upon their own understanding, rather than seeking God, alone?

He called them a wicked and adulterous generation, seeking for a sign.

But didn't He perform miracles? Weren't people otherwise healed miraculously and delivered from demons, all while He walked among us, as Immanuel?

He did.

But yet, He wouldn't perform a sign for those who sought them.

He allowed them to continue laboring under preconceptions of what they believed was the proper way to approach God, as they rather would rely upon their own understanding than upon faith.

And yet, He is the author of faith.

Even as He allows us what we would choose, in so many instances--rebelling against Him, rather than seeking Him...securing deeper delusion, reprobate minds, stony hearts.

And yet none can claim ignorance, on the final day.

Even as Psalm 19 says:

1 The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows and proclaims His handiwork.

2 Day after day pours forth speech, and night after night shows forth knowledge.

3 There is no speech nor spoken word [from the stars]; their voice is not heard.

4 Yet their voice [in evidence] goes out through all the earth, their sayings to the end of the world. Of the heavens has God made a tent for the sun,

5 Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber; and it rejoices as a strong man to run his course.

And Paul affirmed in Romans 1:

18 For God’s [holy] wrath and indignation are revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who in their wickedness repress and hinder the truth andmake it inoperative.

19 For that which is known about God is evident to them and made plain in their inner consciousness, because God [Himself] has shown it to them.

20 For ever since the creation of the world His invisible nature and attributes, that is, His eternal power and divinity, have been made intelligible and clearly discernible in andthrough the things that have been made (His handiworks). So [men] are without excuse [altogether without any defense or justification],

21 Because when they knew and recognized Him as God, they did not honor and glorify Him as God or give Him thanks. But instead they became futile and [c]godless in their thinking [with vain imaginings, foolish reasoning, and stupid speculations] and their senseless minds were darkened.

So, why do we choose our own way? Why do we walk away, and even seeking Him, yet retain a tight grasp on remaining certain of our own understanding?

Even so that those who are regenerate yet always seek to retain a strong hold on the world and the ways in which understanding ever has seemed to come, rather than to know God intimately, as He would have. Unto greater reaches, continual. Through Scripture, nonetheless, and prayer, and all manner of what He would allot and allow, unto even the fellowship and communion with His Holy Spirit, as Paul spoke regarding.

Not merely to rest, then, but to fully abide. 

Seeking nothing more than Christ offers.

Himself.

Trusting Him above all. And seeking Him, regardless what would seek to confuse or stymy. Forsaking understanding, even, for sake of knowing Christ.

And then, only what He would give. Even if providing light on prior centuries' ruminations, then in light of who He is, rather than in context of what would otherwise seem self- contained. Such that nothing, in itself, is sufficient unto understanding...apart from Christ.

Would He be so gracious, though?

Why would He not be, moreover? Having sacrificed Himself for our sins, bearing wrath and shame and pain and sin...death...then overcoming even death..

...why, then, would the Father withhold any good thing?

And why is it so fearful a thought to trust Him for such a thing? Because I know the ready rebukes, on that count, as far as that there would seem an uncertainty, a freefalling, a looseness...in releasing all for sake of only knowing Him on His own terms. For taking all things with a grain of salt, no matter how long esteemed by men. 

But what else is there?

A finite grasp? A limited scope? A restriction to understanding, only according to the understanding which others have seemed to attain?

Why not, instead, seek Him for Himself, as He would reveal Himself through Scripture and prayer and devout worship in all means...and then seek to understand what all there may be seen as prior established understanding, but in light of who Christ is, rather than as certain understanding, established, succinct, solitary. 

Arguments regarding time having tested or proved these things wholly true for having long been relied upon is a false argument, at best. A paraphrase of one more recent secular philosopher is apt, "A long tradition of not believing a thing false gives it the superficial appearance of being right."

Each and every thought has to be brought to subjection to Christ, then why wouldn't also every single thought produced by anyone else? This, as even Scripture is ripe for false application, without Holy intervention. Otherwise, there'd be no admonition toward rightly dividing truth and there'd have been no remark made by Peter, in terms of how even then Paul's writing had apparently proven especially apt for wrong interpretation and erroneous application within churches of their day. 

Same as He noted that Scripture was given by the Holy Spirit, thus not to be attempted for interpretation apart from His guidance. Otherwise, even the slightest of error might come.

And so, how to know? 

Is tradition sufficient to protect from error? Even centuries old tradition? 

Perhaps look to the Sadducees and Pharisees, on that account. Jesus said they testified of themselves that it was their fathers who killed the prophets, even by mentioning that had they been there, they would not have done the same.

And yet, they were descended, living to make such a statement of arrogance as though they were less prone to error than those who preceded them, falling into such dire error--even being the very people who adhered superficially to the very Words of God... ...the temple masters. The ones who entered the Holy of Holies.

If that doesn't at least momentarily send a chill or unto quaking of terror down your spine, then perhaps there's need to seek God reveal more which is and has been in your heart.

We're talking about the very individuals who entered the Holy of Holies, some of them. Caiaphas, for example. Being the High Priest, that would have been his responsibility.

Unto those whom the very Words of God were given. Those who made such a study of these that their entire lives were given to study and a purported upholding of those tenets set forth in Scripture...

...whether, with the Pharisees, including the interpretations and applications set forth by lauded and revered elders in centuries past who were regarded as holy and rightful interpreters...themselves, leaders and respected religious leaders of the nation...

...Oral traditions.

Mishnah, with commentary, now the Talmud.

Just, as a point of consideration, there. 

A long history of thinking a thing right doesn't make it so.

Error crops up, day to day, so how much moreso when continually referred to as traditionally correct?

Caiaphas was he who deemed it utmost necessary to dispose of Jesus.

Which, as we now know...is our salvation, in that He chose to sacrifice Himself through such a way, even as to endure our due, even unto death. Which He overcame, taking His life up again, as was His authority to so do. And eternally reigning.

But how much a warning should that peal, though?

That even those who were direct recipients of the Words of God...who sought to establish rigorous interpretation, unto rightful practice...over centuries even reached a point of failing to recognize God, at all?

Even as He yet worked through them, in and through Christ, unto what sacrifice has atoned and redeemed many?

Again, thinking tradition was sufficient. Thinking arduous application to apparently incontrovertible truths of Scripture...equated to service of God, in truth.

That rings a dire warning, to me, at least.

How easy is it, then, to fall into error, even leaning upon the teachings of those who came before, most revered for their reverence and attentiveness to God's Word?

...and, alternately, as with the Sadducees, even leaning wholly upon the words of Scripture for direction?...while simultaneously having somehow failed to seek the God of which they attest, in truth?

Entire lives devoted to these pursuits, is the thing.

Not just a couple hours a day, devotional. 

Not just a Sabbath.

Their entire lives.

And yet, they did not know Christ. 

And, yet, their forefathers persecuted the prophets sent of God.

Are we better than they are?

Are we somehow more capable of attaining to God, in our somehow seen more apt means of understanding?

He said that none seek Him.

Even as He draws a people who have not sought Him.

And no temptation is given but that which is common to all of man, so if it continually comes to me to combat error--but by grace, alone, and not according to any ability in self...

...then, aren't we all continually buffeted, and all the more susceptible when we reach a point of having come to believe we have summat attained any comprehensive understanding?

Paul, Himself, stated that those who reach a point of believing themselves in a position of knowing then have all the more to turn, repent, and seek God!

These things make no comprehensive sense, in the natural, but all would find resolution in Christ, in who He is, and in how He is.

So, even as there are those who would claim that even truth spoken in a wrong spirit had yet still ought be heeded...there's curiosity, then, in regard to the "teachings" of Job's friends.

They spoke truth, in such a way. 

Was it less truth for having been spoken in a wrong spirit, in a wrong place?

God, Himself, rebuked them. 

He made them to come to Job, seeking He would intervene on their behalf, for having so maligned truth as to speak it in error. 

Are we less susceptible to this sort of error?

And if not, then what are we to do, in terms of seeing the inherent tendency for error which so readily springs from even our best intention at understanding (even as a whole, centuries-spanning body of believers...akin as Israel in many ways)...except forsake our understanding and seek that the God who gives all light would enlighten our minds and direct our every step, unto rightful thinking?

Would He not continually correct our thinking, and direct our studies and understanding? 

Would not He who even gave His only begotten Son also give to us a right knowledge of Him, in spirit and in truth?

...yet drawing us back from error?

...directing our every step?

Would He not do these things?

Would we call Him a liar, for the sake of saving face and preserving a sense of self-confidence?

People have fallen into error with far lesser intents than to know and seek God, in truth, on His own terms, rather than our own. And those whom He allows will continue to do so. Even as those who are His and who seek Him, requiring Him as utmost necessity...those, He said, would find Him.

As for me...I'd rather know God than know what men have thought of Him. 

Even as I would then also seek to know Him through what He's revealed of Himself to others.

But if I ever see only a reflection and never come to know Christ more deeply, Himself...what is that?

...as even reflections sometimes do strangely distort, then yet there'd be no recognition except to know the One whom they reflect. Even as only He could or would be able to make way for such a thing.

Then, as it is an option so to seek--He said He would be found by those who seek Him with all their heart...then, what higher, greater end could ever be sought?

Not merely to know, according to words...even those which are His own...but to know Him from whom they have come.

Draw Ever Nearer the One Who Reigns

God is sovereign.

The enemy just seeks to steal, kill, and destroy.

Steal hope, peace, and conviction...kill faith, devotion, and certainty (of belief, especially)...destroy diligence, love, and desire for obedience (even as unto obedience).

We are to be innocent of evil, not even needing truly to know its ways, so much as just to be able to recognize when more ardently to pray, seeking God more devoutly as not to be led astray, even turning away from temptation and distraction and unto God. Our Good Shepherd leads even in these things, unto deliverance and deeper conviction and greater faith.

Working in us to will and to do, even according to His good pleasure.

Image to image, glory to glory...transformed.

The attacks of recent have been very broad, yet concerted and no less insidious for being so broad.

It seems the temptations which are the most subtle are the ones which seek to most readily lead astray, into error--even if just as apathy.

Ultimately, the attacks of recent have basically amounted to another attempt to persuade a slowing of ardent desire for God, a tempering of devotion and desire, a mitigation of continued pursuit.

Along various lines.

It hadn't even become utterly apparent until wandering across something yesterday which mentioned that one of the standard tactics used is to convince or persuade the believer that there's no further cause for such diligent pursuit, that as much as has been experienced has been the pinnacle and there's no further such peak to attain, such that "wouldn't it be better to just be satisfied with what's already known, already undertaken, already experienced, already been given," as it surely would do no greater, continued good to continue such a fervent pace.

Even then given a multitude of reasons against such devotion. Fatigue, incapability of maintaining devotion at such a level of intensity, and even cajoling whatever lingers of self-preservation to assert itself in terms of tempting desire to refrain from perhaps entering into further trial.

That lattermost is one which has been entirely recurrent.

Alongside any prayer for greater faith, for deeper devotion, for unmeasured surrender...

...all known impossible, except that all things are possible for God...

...then, after such a desire has been continually expounded before the Lord...

...then seems to come an attempt to tempt to anxiety, in terms of "you don't even know what you're asking for--you have no idea what will be entailed...even as much as all the trials may have come before, then what more would be part of passing into such a thing as this?"

Reminders of loss, of uncertainty, of pain, of terror, of being in positions which were entirely impossible...and of how easily each one could have utterly fallen apart, had anything gone even a slight bit differently--had speech been even a bit different, had action varied even slightly...

...and there's a certain level of truth contained within those such temptations, which makes them all the more insidious...

...but they all fail to take account of who God is.

Period.

That no matter what would come...

...it doesn't matter...

...because the fact of the matter is that we are--each one of us--utterly incapable of overcoming and navigating through...

...and yet, He is wholly far more than capable of keeping us. Directing us.

He will keep us. He will be the one who navigates the deep waters. He will be the one who keeps the flame from resting upon us.

For, every time...

...every time...

...every time the enemy has come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord has raised a standard against him, driving him out violently as though driven out by the very breath of God.

He does this.

So, it doesn't matter that we don't know what we ask for, because He does. And if He has given to ask, then it is His will that we ask and continue to ask...even as it's His good pleasure to give us the kingdom, and does give the Holy Spirit to those who ask...

...then so also does He protect and guide and preserve us, even as we are refined in the fire. He refines us. For we will all be salted with fire.

The point is, though, those attempts to dissuade from continued, ardent pursuit of Christ are a lie.

He keeps all who are His. Period. And even as He calls us, He does justify us. Even unto sanctification, each according to His will.

So why be dissuaded? He is sovereign of all, and He is infinite and eternal, so the riches to be found in Him are without limit. There is no pinnacle which is the ultimate peak, but one unto the next--everlasting, progressive without end!

So, what nonsense is doubt! He can banish that as easily as the legion of the Gadarenes.
Because He is, and not only is He, but He is sovereign of all--regardless whether acknowledged or not, at present! He endures much with patience, perhaps, is all.

Allowing us, so oft, to merely have what we would choose to want...even instead of Him. Knowledge of Him entails far more a response than a mere nod, given what His existence implies unto creature beings. So what if many rebel? He knows and allows it, with far more grace and mercy and patience than even begins to be comprehensible.

But not always, is all.

He is sufficient unto all, though. Exceeding.
And no matter what temptations might come to any of us, He overcame and we are overcomers through Him, through Christ Jesus.

So, it should be an encouragement then, not an impediment in any way...to see that temptation would mount such a concerted attack. That God would be glorified as such temptation is overcome by an even greater desire for Him, to know Him and His ways and be wholly surrendered to His will. Regardless whether it makes sense, in the natural.

But for sake of who He is. Trusting. Loving. Being so loved. Desiring obedience even near as much as desiring Him.

All the more, these things desired...for having endured temptation which would again seek to dissuade from continuation.

We all encounter this, these temptations...in varied ways. Recognizing them can help one see the need to then and immediately draw nearer to God.

Even as that could ought be a continual process, nonetheless.

One thing I lament, of the past many months...

...I've been so slack in communicating with Him.

Prayer, yes. Talking at Him.
Spending time silently in His presence.
Spending time studying His word.
Learning of Him.
Fellowshipping with those who also know Him.

But not communing with Him, fellowshipping with Him, so much.

I miss that sorely, yet seem powerless even to correct it.
Prayer continues.

He knows.

Various further reflection: He Is, and He Has Not Changed

I'd almost forgotten a temptation that's been trying to sneak in, all amongst the midst of this all, of late. A direly insidious one which would have seemed to've been put to death a while back, given the reality of conversion.

Which, perhaps that's a better preface, for now.

There is a vast, distinct, wholly remarkable difference to life now, from what it was. And one which isn't of my own making, manufacture...capability for having wrought. One internal which is yet working out and through all my ways of thinking and being, having begun at core, last year.

This particular injury, right now, of my back...has brought many things to remembrance, in terms of the vast difference between life then and now, even as perceived.

I'd tried for years...years and years...to find a lasting peace. To forge a secure sense of well-being. To establish some unwavering sense of meaningful existence, according to my understanding of how the world works and what the pinnacles of success truly are.

And no matter which direction, it was all ultimately insufficient to keep me buouyed above a continuously burgeoning sense of depression, despondency, meaninglessness.

Because the thing is--everything I tried, ultimately the only meaning to be found in a given pursuit was only potentially of one of three sources: inherent, socially ascribed, or personally ascribed.

Inherent value of any given endeavor was comprehensively, cumulatively incapable of establishing a sense of meaning sufficient to fully extend to the scope of what life entails.
Each activity unto the next, no matter how appealing, ultimately only equated to a series of activities. Disjointed, even if cumulative in some sense as "progressing" to other levels of involvement--still, then, only more of the same with a different face and finite functionality.

Socially ascribed value was only as fundamentally worthwhile as any-present ability to maintain concern and conviction, individual, for those things which society lauds. Again and again, meaning faltered in the face of an inherent inability to overcome the trials and sheer single-mindedness (at any cost-mentality) entailed in maintaining such a stance as not inherently found fulfilling.

Personal attribution was only so capable of fulfillment as any-present ability to maintain such sense of stability as allowed for continued attribution. As circumstances conspiring to life continually shifted drastically in ways which wholly exhibited truth of personal inacapacity from controlling and predicting the all of reality...then so shifted and disintegrated the illusion of being able to ultimately give and maintain sense of fulfillment, regardless how preliminarily appealing were any particular.

Internal instability, wrought per continued frustration, abuse, and outright chaos of circumstance, continual...gave lie to the idea that even intentionally instituted and continuously undertaken attempts at "maintaining" were beyond personal control.

Even up to that point, last January, having come through to find that I wasn't capable of fully effecting my will without being changed into something utterly contradictory to the then-projected idea of self...utter devastation and despair...unto injury. Then sickness. Then the incapacitation of a back injury so unexpected and severe and to make walking impossible...

...to, in midst of at least a day into that process...

...I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter how well I might try, no matter how much I might think I know about circumstances at any point, and no matter how vast is my resource base for knowledge and contact...

...I was still utterly incapable of doing anything but waiting to see what would happen.

Either call an ambulance or wait. And I couldn't bear the thought of having put my then-roommate in position of having to pay for the door...

...so I waited. And waited.

And still couldn't figure a way to make it not just to the door...but to unlock the door...and knowing that impossible, given I couldn't sit up, let alone stand...

...there was no way I could make it down three flights of stairs without further injuring myself.

So, all I could do was admit defeat.

Except to call on someone else to help me, I was incapable of doing anything. And at best, if I did go to the hospital, then what? I had no insurance. My roommate had no car. And I had next to no money, at that point, and so absolutely had to find gainful employ or face serious difficulty.

It seemed entirely impossible. If I couldn't walk, couldn't sit up, and yet absolutely had to find gainful employ, ASAP...there seemed absolutely no way forward.

Which...even the idea of a wheelchair: three flights of stair. Not workable.

And I needed to move out, moreover.

And needed to have so many things done, which I just had no idea even how to begin.

Just...in that moment, after a full day of wracking my brain for some means of making all the pieces fit into place and finding that there seemed no way, whatsoever...just for, at the very least, having no idea what the deal with my injury was as to whether I'd even be able to walk again, in terms of what that would mean...for all proceeding..

...not knowing that one basic thing: would I be able to walk again?

...made it impossible to plan. So, meaning was gone. Capability was gone. And it seemed wholly impossible to know anything about what was to come, except for knowing absolutely everything was totally unknowable.

And at that point, realizing there was nothing I could do--railing against the idea of such pervasive uncertainty, but ultimately reaching a point of accepting nothing could be done to change it, so rather it be best just to accept truth...

...at that point, same as the shock and dismay began to settle in, then also came thought of God.

Even though I didn't know...He did. All the things I did not know...He knows. He knew.

And it occurred to me that, same as He knew precisely the situation as a whole, then He was also the one who knew precisely how it would work out, and that He was fully well capable of making ways where there are none.

And it was as though all the despair, all the fear (abject terror, really), all the despondency and grief...just evaporated.

Just given realization that God is in control, and I am not. Not even of my own life, truly.

Because, even as there are those who might mock that as seemingly a juvenile, escapist mentality--thing is...it's true. Anything otherwise is just arrogance, borne of a rebellious spirit and pride--same as I labored under for all my life, increasingly (despite even moments of somewhat clarity, per grace), up to that point.

Meaning isn't possible outside of sincerely acknowledging God exists, is the thing. He is the only which is Holy, truly apart...sufficiently also objective and wholly unchanging as to be capable of constituting and thereby instilling absolute meaning. So, the freedom there...also is so vast.

As unwavering.

None other is unwavering, as it's all dependent upon awareness, recognition, acknowledgment, acceptance, realization...and ultiamtely and inherently...maintenance as such.

He's self-sufficient, though. He, alone, is self-sufficient. Thus unwavering, capable of being unchanging...immutable...meaningful.

Anything which could thence have meaning would only do so, in relation to who He is, otherwise the meaning is only superficially ascribed, transitory, as dependent upon finite expressions of understanding which yet are just that--finite, incomplete, themselves passing and changing, even if "developing."

But without a solid, unwavering foundation, anything derived thus inherently is only so sound as that from whence it has derived.

He is the only possible such solid foundation, being self-sufficient, wholly self-contained, thus unaffected by change...unaffected by anything outside Himself, ultimately. Such is sovereignty. Such is supremacy.

Such is justice.

So, it only follows that all things are subject to Him.

Period. Regardless seeming indifference or disdain. Any rebellion which exists can only do so according to His allowance, having been made an allotment for, per His sovereign design. According to His will, then, as permitted. Even if seeming contradictory to Him, then only allowed to occur per His allowance.

Love would be so accepting. Even as love rejected will have what it chooses. Love despised is choosing, per such action, to hate. Choosing, rather than love...hate. And He allows us what we choose, per such munificence as utterly confounds my ability to conceive.

Not that love dies, but the flame consumes that which is not like itself, or some...rather than purifies. Same fire, is all.

We are allowed our choice, through Christ. Whose coming and sacrifice, death and resurrection...even the stars proclaim, so that no one might claim ignorance, but only acceptance or rejection.

We all have the same choice.

Just...in that moment of realizing my incapacity, realizing my limitation...simultaneously receiving realization of His utter supremacy...

...I ceased fighting against truth, in terms of God's sovereignty.

I had, prior, wanted to consider myself sovereign of at least my own life, my own sphere of influence. But that's just not so. And He let me see the truth of that, so many ways, through so many faulty pursuits and attempts at instituting meaning apart from Him, apart from acknowledging His sovereignty and the simultaneous realization of my own then-subjection.

Even as it took a full month, after that point...or maybe longer than a month...with thoughts of Christ, of Jesus...coming to mind, again and again..

...that He is Lord. He is God. Even Incarnate.

...finding, each time thought of His Lordship came to mind, simultaneous resentment and revulsion arose within my heart. Until, eventually, some point came where a fear began to arise in realizing myself utterly despising Christ.

I despaired of that, wordlessly.

And then, eventual came a point where fear gave way to somewhat complacency, then to consternation at even being set against truth. Such that in that moment, one day, when thought of Christ as God, as Lord of all...of Lord of my life and all I am...when that thought came, and the revulsion and resentment arose against Him, against the idea of being subject to Him...of not being sovereign, apart from Him unto my own will...

...as that revulsion arose, then that consternation arose with utter fire, despising even that I should despise truth. And it came a thought that, "He's Lord of all, including me, and whether I like it or not, it doesn't change the fact of the matter, so whether I come to terms with it now or hereafter, it's no less true, so I may as well just accept it and get over it and get used to it, now!" With all due anger at being so opposed to truth.

And that revulsion died, on the spot. That resentment died, on the spot. Extinguished, without even a wisp of smoke to mark the passing.

And gave way to a peace, a further peace...even as though another burden had been lifted. As though I could breathe more freely, for having been let go from some dire uncertainty and anxiety which had nothing to do with reality, all the while.

And how long was it then, till I saw Him? Not in the physical sense of seeing. But stricken. Completely stricken.

Driving. Praying. Talking to Him, in some manner more direct than I'd ever done before, although still so unable to even speak His name, in truth. Just stricken, witnessing Him on the cross.

Have you any conception how pure He is? Our Christ.
Wholly untainted by the world.
Wholly untainted by all our pettiness and deceits.
Wholly full of love and desire for good.
Wholly loving.
And utterly, completely, absolutely, fully aware. Even all the while, there.
Even as though He beheld me, and I knew it, while He hung there in agony.
I saw nothing of God's wrath exhausted upon Him, although all of theology at present says this is the case. What I saw was my sin being borne. One so pure, so untouched by malice and hatred and envy and lust and greed and self-interest...then mocked, shamed...beaten, despised...crucified...even as by me...and my sin, upon Him...
...and in that moment, I wanted to despise myself, except for His love.
But I did despise my sin. Loathed it. Wanted it gone, wholly and in full, never to be returned to, borne, looked upon, or considered. All of it.
...but His love.

And I can't even bear, really, to look fully into that memory, now. There are vague bits around the edges here which are relayed a bit fuzzy, because I can't bear to look. There are points of distinction in terms of the way of what was witnessed which aren't quite well described, not precisely relayed as they were, but as near as present-capability for returning to that glimpse constitutes.

I don't remember how I got wherever I was going. I don't remember where I was going or coming from. All I know is that seeing Him changed absolutely everything, and it wasn't something contrived, it wasn't something expected, it wasn't even something particularly desired--I didn't even know to want for such a thing, having only even begun to come to walk in light of what it means for Him to be Lord of my life, in truth...and barely comprehending even that (yet still, really). 

But it happened. Reminiscent of an experience in a church, two years prior. Only...with the weight of my culpability come to bear, even willingly borne by Him, unto abject despair at doing anything except devoting myself in full to only Him and wanting nothing else, forever, in that moment. For, He, alone is worthy. And He is imminently and incomprehensibly worthy.

There were no words, though, then.

No words. But a wealth of experience.

 Just to see Him, then, and I don't even know what He looks like. That's what I least understand about the experience. There was seeing in some visceral sense which yet didn't somehow necessarily entail sight. And I don't understand.

But whatever. I don't have to.

Because, really, it's none of my business except that He leads and ordains and shapes according to His will. It has nothing to do with me, except in terms of whatever is His will. And who I am is nothing more than He would have. Same as any.

We're all only who He would have willed and/or allowed us to be. Not according to our own will, even as grace restrains us from such depravity as we would otherwise more fully enhabit. He restrains us from going to the depths, in most instance. Perhaps in all. I don't know quite what the depths of depravity constitute, as to whether even one so...openly malicious as Hitler...might perhaps yet have had the influence of some restraining grace, difficult as that may be to fathom.

Mengele?

It's gut-wrenching to really contemplate we would all go to such lengths, except that we are restrained by grace. According to His design.

None seek God, after all.

Even those who think they do...unless they are drawn by God, Himself, are in fact seeking to fashion Him into their own image, as found according to understanding, rather than as He would reveal Himself. How else could we expect to know Him, after all, except that He reveals Himself to our insensate faculties?...even ever having once turned away from the apparent revelation of Him, as displayed even per His creation? Refusing to know Him on His own terms, in other words, we effectively refuse Him.

All this, though, just to make remark of the most recent bits of nonsense that have attempted to derail. In the midst of physical weakness, then comes temptation to doubt.

Which is absurd.

Seriously.

I remember the despair I used to labor under. I remember that I wasn't even aware there could be any relief, except to make it become something else--to reshape it into another image, more compatible with desires. I remember the sense of hopelessness, drudgery, as the best which seemed to be hoped for was only self-indulgence of various tendencies to interact, wanting meaningful communication, and always finding it too short. Somehow just short of what was desired, but too deep was the fear of rejection to allow for anything else. Rejection merely per incapability of relaying precisely what was ever intended, so rejection merely per lack of total understanding.

No solace, then, of that. And a lack of overt trying in many matters. Especially spiritual.

Because, especially, with as constantly plagued and beset by depression as I was--why was there even a point in attempting to share? Particularly also because what sharing had been undertaken found a silence which was more resounding and striking than would have been mockery. More unsettling.

Not even a refutation. Just a total refusal to acknowledge what was blatantly seen.

So I stopped showing. And when other matters of a somewhat similar nature came about, evidenced and many ways continually tested to ascertain consistency... ...I again shared of them, even unto drawing someone (deplorably, wretchedly) in alongside.

And that didn't foster any further sense of fulfillment, either. So, forsaken. Even as a couple had rejected, then the one who joined in was no less unsettling.

Either way, it doesn't matter now to note the particulars. Just to say that there are more things which the Lord allows than would make sense, except to know His omnipotence is truth.

There's not been a restriction. Even as not all things believed are true, also still, many truths aren't seem for a lack of belief. Period. Same as ever.

Except that His will be done and He will have His portion, regardless our lack of faith and belief...there fair wouldn't even still be regeneration, for such a lack of knowledge of who He truly is. Even as there are those who do know Him.

Without having imposed self-conceived limitations so to maintain a "safe space" which doesn't challenge self and independent understanding, as sought per understanding the understanding of others, rather than of God.

I'm not sure what part of "in those days I will teach them myself" we really haven't quite grasped. It's pretty straightforward, in context, and even as cited in New Testament epistles.

He's who He is, though, regardless whether we believe. And He does what is His will, regardless whether we're willing to acknowledge it as such. He still works His wonders. He still does all He has ever done, and so ofter He was ever wont to do new things. So, does He not do so, still?

There are passages, even, which I've never heard anyone touch on. Strange things which are fascinating. Things which give context and imply varied interpretations for bits which oft seem otherwise resorted to as though inherently meaningful, without context of the whole. But there's not that. All is all. In part and whole. Not divisible.

Reflection on Pain

So, what started, this round...this year...as apparent aggravation of a herniated cervical vertebra..to severe shoulder pain and numbness of both arms (especially hands)..

..then ebbing to rest, unto recuperation...gradual..

...then infection as both upper wisdom teeth became abscessed (they need to be removed, but until some means of doing so becomes apparent...prayer and clove oil will suffice)...

...which always ends up with sinus infection+both ears becoming infected...

...and then kidney infection / UTI...

...two weeks of rest took care of the cervical problem, allowing whatever inflammation had been at fault to clear up (apparently)...

...two days of cranberry juice took care of the lattermost (mercifully so)...

...and last night's treatments finally did in the abscesses...

...and this morning's treatments cleared up the ear infections...

...and the sinus infection seems, for once perhaps in a very long while...to be cleared up...

...so, today my lower back has gone out...

Better than accidentally poisoning myself with eugenol, as last year?
...which I still thank the Lord that I woke up, every time I stopped breathing (apparently, otherwise this wouldn't be in process of writing).

Funny feeling, that--to wake up with a sense of realization that oxygen has ceased. Same as if you've ever held your breath for an extended period, exhaling entirely from your lungs over the course...

...then, till that point where you must inhale...

...nothing having obstructed flow...

...but just the need for air, express.

Waking up into that.

Multiple times, through that night...which was also full of intermittent other pangs and toiling, physical...then to sleep, until waking up with a need for air...

...read Scripture, pray...

...toil, sleep, repeat.

So, now.

Sans that particular sort of unintended escapade...

...everything else has seemed to intend to shut down.

Even of the couple weeks of recuperation with the shoulder, full of prayer and study and rest...

...also full of all manner of weird heart palpitations, flutterings, stutterings, starts, and pangs...even unto lightheadedness.

Quietly, solemnly endured. Prayerfully, continually noting that it's only by the Lord's will that life remains intact, regardless.

So it is, for each of us, and yet to have these sorts of reminders?

Very humbling.

Last major experience with professional medical care wasn't well, though. And until or unless I'm in a position to need be taken in an ambulance, then I'd rather not go. There are all so many different ways of treating even pneumonia naturally. Diligently. Effective. Known.

I won't set major bones, though. Except for spinal readjustment, which is only a matter untaken and accomplished as given by grace, so to do. Even as not nearly as effective, perhaps, as someone who could just immediately undertake the thing.

I have to wait. Until the muscles relax enough so to do.

Even as...last year...last January...when my back went out as it did, incapacitating from even ability to walk, whatsoever...

...I don't recall ever having been able to realign whatever had slipped. Just awoke, the day after having realization that God is sufficient, and He is in control, and He will and would make a way when there was no way...able to walk, again. Usually takes time.

And it had never been that bad, before.

Unable to even sit up.

I'm in no position for surgery, though. I don't want surgery, moreover. Regardless how backward that might be. If it's God's will for their to be brain, neck, and back surgery at some point, then so be it, but I'm not lining up on my own will.

Thing is, I know there are a lot of folks who expect Him to just heal absolutely anything and everything. "If your faith is strong enough."

Hm. Yeah...no.

Doesn't work that way. Because that places the onus on a works-based sort of mentality, wherein the responsibility for process of the impossible lies with the created, rather than the Creator.

For those who say it's always His will to heal...

...then so also is it His will that none should perish.

And yet some will. Even as the healing reserved for some isn't manifested in the physical realm.
Same as Abraham's promised nation was seen evidenced in the giving of his son, Isaac, even as Abraham did not then see the multitude he would become.

Just as the Holy Spirit is given as a sort of guarantee of our inheritance in Christ. That which is not seen, yet experienced and which manifests regeneration and sanctification--a lifetime, thereafter unto eternity, in the Presence and peace of God.

There are those who sneer at the idea of trusting God, is all.

But as far as I'm concerned, my hands are tied.

What else is there?

Not trust Him, but trust myself and my care to the hands of others who don't know me nor have time to even begin to delve into potential complications at root?

He kept me from death, despite the fall from the balcony in 2006. He kept me from death, so many times else, too. When death did fall upon me--stopping my heart, stopping my breath.

I'm supposed to be blind, apparently. And maybe deaf and unable to speak, as well, given particular of the brain damage done in that same fall.

I'm not, though.
And it makes no sense, medically or scientifically.

So, it must be God. He, alone, would break the laws of nature which He set in place.
The fact that those laws are ever broken is evidence of His intervention.
(Michael Ramsden theology, yay!)

It's an individual thing, is all. And as much as, from the utmost objective and even lightly cynical perspective...it might superficially seem irresponsible, at first glance...

...realize this...

...the only reason I'm breathing, right now, is because He chose to spare me.
I have died, physically, so many times.

Not as many as some, but far more than most.

The first was before I was two years old.

Which...my mother was apparently unable to conceive for years, until they started praying...

...and I died before I was two...

...but was resuscitated.

And died again when I was four...

...and was resuscitated.

And overdosed when I was 15, but was made to walk the stairs all night by some entity whose identity I am not presently certain of, except to know the Lord had mercy--no one in the house knew.

And overdosed again about six months later.

And again, and again. Over and over.

And the balcony. And poisonings.

And all the things.

Constantly, it sometimes seems.

Thing is...I'm not my own. I'm His.

Same as we all are.

So it's not for me to even attempt any guesses at "why" these things have been and are as they are.
...why I'm seeking Him and require Jesus as my utmost of all, in all, now...
...why He's allowed me, in the past, to go to such depths of wretchedness...
...why I am who and how I am.
...why any of us endure or suffer or undertake or explore or endeavor..

I don't know why, but I do know Who.

And He is all-powerful, and good, and loving...and righteous...

...and His will is sovereign, supreme, and unbending.

Each of us are only who He would allow us to be, even as He designs.

And I don't have to understand that.

I just need to know Christ.
More of Him, is all.

Whatever comes.

Because these things are only momentary. And pain is what it is, and one day it won't be anymore.

But even that...is so meaningless, so trivial, so utterly...empty...

...taken alongside context of just absolutely requiring a deeper knowledge of Christ, no matter the cost.

...or even just taken alongside realization of any knowledge of Him.

He outshines pain. He eclipses suffering.
His love is that deep.

So, even in suffering and uncertainty, I can still proclaim my love to God, and my desire to know and to do His will--knowing full well my life is His. Not my own. He redeemed me.

I could never be worthy. And yet He is, and He clothes me in His righteousness and love and grace and mercies!

So, whatever, to the pain. It will pass.
He gives grace to treat these things.

And those which I'm unable, which He hasn't given grace so to do...even if of quiet recuperation?...He has made way for attending in other ways.

But no, it's not up to me.
I am His. I am nothing more than what and who He has made me to be.

Same as any.
Same as all.

My life, my all...is His. No longer with pretense of being other.
His love is all the dearer, all the more brightly sought and relished...in such moments as darkness would seek to eclipse. Darkness evaporates in light of His love.

But by His will.

And someday only a memory, sweetly reflected as such evidence of His grace. His faithfulness. His unwavering love. Even just as to know these things, in such a moment.

Pain is only all the more reason to cling to Him, unwaveringly flinging oneself with utter abandon upon His mercies, as knowing in any capacity...the truth of who Jesus really is.

He is alive.
He is with us.

Nearer than your next breath.
He Is.

He will do what He does

So, the surrender-thing which is part of coming to Christ, of drawing near to Him, abiding in His presence eternal...

...is whole.

To ever any end He would give, of a soul.

Some to varying degrees than others.

He's made each of us, even to a particular working of His glory. Just as gifts given unto men, from He from whom all gifts go.

What is mine isn't as another's. What is another's isn't as mine.

Even if only by degrees, then. In context of His glory, each and every is minute, and yet from our so limited and frail a perspective, these such differences can constitute worlds of difference. Continents, complete.

Such that with these things of body, there's a surrender come and coming which is more complete, as conscious, than may be of many. I don't know.

I really don't know.

Truly, the surrender is complete, as according to His will, regardless how consciously noted. He works, ever, to will and to do His good pleasure in and through us.

So, in light of that, some of the exhortations to wholehearted, conscious surrender may be slight amiss for what's given some as to do. Done, then, even without knowing.

No less complete, for lack of regard and referral and rumination.

Never.

He works, complete, in all His ways.

Just, there is possibility which isn't sought, so often. For lack of wanting, for lack of asking, for lack of acknowledgment, for lack of desire.

Yet, if He hasn't given that desire, then should it otherwise be sought?

No.

Only as He wills and decrees...ordained.

How amiss, though, not to speak of what's given?

We are given whatsoever we receive, then so to speak.

Ever.

To witness. To proclaim His glory, His goodness, His majesty, His might and wonder and fulness and capacity--endless!--from the hilltops! And even from the pits.

He is no less here than there.

Just to seek.

Whatever would be His will.

As He would give. Just know, still, that all things are possible for Him, alone.

We could no more dictate His actions than we could truly bottle the tide. Understand it, in ways, we may. Even so to replicate...in part..

..but not from the beginning.

..nor unto the end.

We are given to seek Him, is all. Just to seek Him.
Each and every, according to the faith and grace bestowed upon us all.

And He will perfect His creation.

What is Guilt?

Things are so strange, right now. There's a struggle of some sort going on, and my body is absolutely staging a war. For whatever reason.

Finally have feeling in all my extremities again, at present, for the first in...at least 24 hours. I'm almost able to smell, again. Nearly. My back has almost come back into alignment, and what work was required which totally threw it out...Lord willing, is finished for a brief while. Just the head-things and neck stuff, mostly, now.

Someone accidentally aligned my neck, week before this last, and so all manner of madness has attempted an insurrection as a result. No idea whether "vacuum phenomenons" ever heal, really. But whatever. My left foot hasn't come out of joint in a couple days, although the tendency is still there. 

But, again...

...whatever...

...all things wrought per insolence, mercifully. 

Hands are still trying to go numb, cold. 

I don't understand any of these things, and there are some which I don't even begin to have any even loose comprehension of, to be able to remark. All I know is that there's been a lot of difficulty with these sorts of things, lately, and I'm at the mercy of God.

Which is always the case, but...it is good to be reminded...and to bring all members to remembrance of such a thing.

Nothing operates independent of God, is the thing. Not an atom. Not a subatomic particle. Not a cone nor rod. Not a follicle. Not a foot. Nor a hand. Nor an individual, so comprised. 

So, then, neither do the parts which comprise the body of Christ operate independently, regardless whatsoever diffidence, indifference, and downright animosity might have begin to creep up in the midst and in between--even as to have various parts outright denouncing one another, rather than reaching out in love, leaving to God His work of atonement and correction, even if given through truth spoken in love wholly per whatsoever speech the Holy Spirit would direct.

The thing about Bible worship, lately mentioned with some amount of consternation...

...the Bible is the work and word of God, revealing Himself and His will...to us...in terms which can be generally grasped on our level. So, in the same sense that God is not His name and yet is His name...the Bible is not God. A miniscule representation, projected unto us for our edification and searching and examination, so as to know Him. On His terms, yet given on our level.

When we quibble over those terms, we are wholly denying Him, is the thing. Still, yet again, in another way...forsaking the truth of God for a lie and worshipping the created rather than the Creator.

...thing is...

...there is so so fine a distinction, though, when it comes to His revealed word...that it does us good, to err on the side of caution, perhaps, but only if it allows us to more deeply seek to know Him rather than as allowed to become something used as a shield against Him.

To say that "my understanding of God is..." and to appeal only to that, even as revealed to be contributory as an aspect of His being, an "attribute" so-to-speak...is yet still to attempt to look at a part, in such a way as even unintentionally simultaneously denies the whole.

Problem there, though, is that being the creatures we are...we know nothing else. We can know nothing else, except that He leads.

Which is wherein comes the crux.

Literally.

We must come to Christ, begging He would do what work is necessary to free us even to know Him as revealed in His word--Not merely according to what limited scope of understanding we are capable of, but even as to trust Him that He desires to reveal Himself in truth, in spirit, even as through the revelation given of the Bible...

...as a means by which we can continually return to Him, seeking a deeper, deepening view, as clarified by continued perusal, even unto so high a point of awareness as to discern the distinctions of even what spirits would attempt to waylay the Spirit through which Scripture was initially given, through process of our interpretations.

It does not end and begin with merely reading, in other words. 

We are to discern even that which we read, unto the understanding which the Lord intends us.

Which, again...means a death to those things which would exalt themselves against right interpretation--emotional, mental, social, individual prejudices or even perspectives unawares which color connotational comprehension.

We cannot know these things, except He gives them. And He gives to those who ask, and continue asking...to those who seek, continuing to seek.

So, even as much as the meaning given is absolutely clarion and simple...just as God, Himself, is evident to all of creation.. ...then, also, there's simultaneously unfathomable depths to the meaning relayed and to the context and comprehension. He gives as we have need.

As He has given. 

Of Himself.

Unto us.

So, Scripture isn't to be in any way undermined in terms of absolute necessity and reverence.

But yet, in itself, as it isn't God...as His revelation, it stands steadfast. 

So, when and wherever and however He has made and makes possible access to such Words of Life as are thereby more direct consigned, we are bound to seek therein, unto His glory...as revealed in and of our terms and manner of general communication. As text. As words. Conscribed. 

From what I hear, though, He's been directly saving people, Himself, in outreaches, outposts, "unreached" corners of the earth. Without human intervention. And without benefit of Biblical direction or inception or initiation...except, with some, to then also give a desire to seek out those such "Words of Life" as are contained for direction in all godliness, therein.

Thing is...He will do what He chooses. Period. Regardless whether our understanding of Him, even as relayed within Scripture, meets up to managing to comprehend His works and ways.

Even His self-revelation therein contained many times makes plain that He's so far beyond our ability to comprehend that we're just not even capable of understanding Him or understanding His ways, in full, if He were to have given full revelation. 

You can't go and say He's "fully revealed" in Scripture, is the thing, in such a way as then leads to even internal assumption that such a "full revelation" wholly and to sum gives total knowledge unto all which He is. To do say would make Him as us, implicitly, by attempting to bring and contain His glory to a level which can be yielded to a summary assessment. So, then to also say that He's infinite and eternal, while simultaneously claiming that He is fully revealed...?

Those are two entirely disparate beings given consideration, if that is such the case.

But the God I serve is infinite and He cannot, thus will not be contained merely within scope of any mere mortal's ability to fully conceive His ways, comprehend His being, understand His purposes. No matter the height, nor depth, nor breadth, nor length of study given to such a pursuit...

...because...as God...

...He always exceeds comprehension. He is as far beyond anyone's mastery as is the height of all the galaxies beyond my present ability to scale in an instant's breath. Incomprehensibly and vastly so, to a degree which is immeasurable.

Because, even as we can speak of eternity and of infinity...there are concepts which we cannot contain. Period. Two different states of being. Wholly. Creature and Creator.

Same as a child cannot give birth to its mother. No matter by what manner of technicality science might ever contrive to do such things, or man conceive to breach such heights of logistic philosophies... 

...we...

...cannot...

...exist...

...apart from what and who we are.

The created.

So, how much sense does it make for various parts which comprise a whole, then, to attempt independence?...or to even assert some sort of side-rail action, as though there were independence in effect, as perceived in act?

Yeah, no.

All will be fully brought to submission to His will, even as He yet allows what purports to insurrection. What purports to independence. He merely allows that delusion to persist, allowing us to perceive a having of what wretchedness we oft choose, rather than choosing Him.

...seek Him.

Just do it. Period. 

There's nothing else for it. Period.

I don't care what doctrine you ascribe to, what theological knowings you purport to possess.

If He is not directly speaking to you with regularity, constancy even, then what are you doing?

Truly???

Given that is an option. He said He would teach us, Himself, in the last days. The days in which we now live.

And He does, otherwise regeneration would not be something going on. That is the beginning of instruction!

That He, His very own spirit! Comes to dwell.

So, why would we not seek to understand and to know His voice, even as having a tangible means of learning to discern?

How many references are there, in what we consider the "New Testament," whereas the apostles mention that the things they are writing are already known to the recipients because the Holy Spirit has already told them these things. 

The thing is...

...if you recognize truth, at all, it's only because HE is giving that recognition direct to you, within your very spirit! Otherwise, you nor I would never be capable of knowing truth! Christ said as much, in so many ways.

He directly reveals truth or we cannot know it. Period.

And His longsuffering, His patience with us is abounding beyond comprehension, that even those who are His would deny Him even while proclaiming His truth!

We walk that line of disbelief, without apology, and rather than cutting us off, He continues to guide and lead and love us! ...despite that we refuse to be open to direct communication, or only one-sided...

We would speak to Him and not listen, in other words, except only to hear anything which He ever once said. Which...He never contradicts Himself, so the revelation as stands does serve and had ought always be looked to for confirmation that we have not erred in interpreting nor hearing.

Always.

Because we're so apt to fail, so prone to falter, so tending to stray and listen instead to malingering voices rather than that of Christ. God, Himself.

But...He knew. He knows.

Merely, there's more to Him and of Him than we presently have even begun to desire for, and yet for some reason, there's a wholescale limitation from camp to camp, regarding despondencies and restrictions along which seeking seems stymied by one means or another--self-definition of what had ought, can, and could be known and sought. 

According to "established understanding."

Well enough! But find out for yourself, too!

The things I have learned and know can only come to bear upon myself, ultimately. All the day long, I could cry out in the streets, casting dust upon myself and rending clothing, weeping for a generation...or remaining solemnly silent, exhaling a cloud of poisonous vapor into the ether, so like as a statement may be without inciting ever as much note as the other, nor as severe and immediate public retribution...

...but for what???

Only as to lament the state, in way inconsolable, commiserate of what be, as stands, yet longing only for Light to come and Truth to reign, even Love supreme to be welcomed...where hearts are dark and understanding blighted by self-will and desire for all else but only what might seem mastered, or naught at all, for fear of encountering uncertainty in how to proceed!...as though God, Himself, cannot be trusted to tend His creation! Was Love not born to die, and to redeem?! Did He not come, Himself, and bear the pain and shame and guilt and horrid weight of all our iniquities, even as they were those we have done and do AGAINST HIM?

And He did. Even unto death.

Life less life, for moments. Then overcome.

Arisen. Supreme.

Eternal God, our Savior.

So, why do we not trust Him?!

I am every bit as guilty as everyone! There's such hardness, still, such fear and trembling even that, for months at a time, now, I've feared to hear His voice in those moments once given solely to conversation. And should I be ashamed? 

For He bore even that. 

So, then, to be ashamed before men, to ask that we might all go to Him, begging conversation? It is a thing, regardless whether we acknowledge or heed His voice. He does speak.

He spoke, He speaks, and He will continue to do so.

Regardless which way we might attempt to conceive to limit His tendencies to do so, then even still the earth will proclaim His message!

The rocks may cry out, for we have been silent far too long.

Return to Love

These themes, lately:

Abide in Christ.
Abide in His love.
Love.

And others, but for the past many months...even in terms of merciful judgment to come...love has been the focus.

I've been reminded again, lately, at the vast disparity between Christ's love and what the world conceives of as being love.

The world's version of love is alway self-gratifying, in some way. Even if only as a matter of seeking to avoid emotional pain. ...even a mother's love has become entirely contorted, outside of Christ, to such extent that mothers even kill their children. Whereas others leech, emotionally. And still others count accomplishment as a marker for emotion.

Witnessed, only partially experienced (as on the receiving end), but not otherwise known.

And yet, a father's love is supposed to be as strong. Or, if it really is to be an epitomization of Christ's love, the Father's love, then...hadn't it ought be more fierce and unwavering? Or is a mother's love just a well an epitomization of God's love?

There's much talk, these past couple of weeks (months?) about the family as a representation of relationship with God. On the whole.

So, how contorted are things, then?

When Temptation Comes: Reflecting Upon Egypt & The Wilderness, Even Unto Praise...

Sitting, being tempted for a moment. Sometimes these thoughts come. Thoughts of going back to things I once relished--thoughts that those things would once again be somehow enjoyable.

The nature of temptation is to lie.

The present vein regards karaoke. Alcohol.

And since I have to endure the temptation, at least momentarily, it seemed well to elaborate on the process, as it seems to go...having only gone a certain extent privately, thus far.

It usually goes as this...

...tempted to think upon what it would be to spend an evening in such dark revelry as once there was. "For fun." Just to go.

And there's a very mild fear which rises up just at that thought, alongside the temptation to do such a thing--fear that I might be able to actually enjoy such depravity as once was the norm.

So, a two fold temptation, from the outset. Temptation to fear, temptation unto depravity.

Because it's not merely an alcoholic beverage that's the temptation, but the entire course of what once comprised many regular nights.

The thing is, though...

Wisdom Will Ever Be Justified, &General Reflection Upon Salvation

There's always so much more. Always.

Any momentary bit of clarity is only that--momentary, so subject still to the constraints of time and space. One of the bits of Scripture that's absolutely stuck in mind, for the past months has been what Christ said of wisdom, in terms of where appearances of wholly disparate action (even so much so as seeming wholly contradictory)...whereas extremes are each denounced by the world...yet are justified according to the wisdom which guides such action.

In that John the Baptist lived what was considered a completely eccentric, absolutely ascetic, wholly fanatic lifestyle...and He was denounced by religious authority, even so far as that some considered him demon-possessed.

And, alternately, Jesus Christ--God Incarnate--freely associated with the "undesirables," "the untouchables," and even sharing meals and drink with them...such that religious authorities also denounced Him, calling Him a drunkard and glutton (at the least).

Superficial appearance would make it seem that those two lifestyles are irreconcilably different, yes. Superficial distinctions make it seem as though those are two opposite ends of a spectrum of potential behavior, regarding what ought be considered "righteous"...and what could be considered righteous.

Yet, Christ Himself said that John was greater than any man yet born of woman--He didn't fault His asceticism, His apparent fanatical adherence to such doctrine as he proclaimed, nor even in any way denounce his eccentricity as "turning people off, turning them away from God."

John's acts were apparently according to God's will, given that He was the one who "prepared the way of the Lord." So, it's not a light thing, even, to consider the way he lived...to speak of the eccentricities apparent (as noted by Christ, in noting those things being said of John)..

...he went into the wilderness, into the desert, fairly young. And remained there. Not sporadically chosen. Not a "statement" action for the sake of self-referential denouncement of society. But beseeching the world to turn, to repent. Pleading.

Just as Christ came to save the sick, the blind, the dead, the deaf, the dumb, the fatherless, the orphans, the widows, and all those who are lost, in want of a Shepherd.

Not those who see. Not those who are well.

But...

...those who know they are blind. Those who know they are unwell.

Only He can even make such a thing known, though, so deep is our pride.

...

Twice, in the past, I'd thought myself saved. Because I made a decision. Because I said a prayer.
Because I started doing what I thought was right, according to my understanding of Scripture.
..or attempting to, at least..

When I was young, I was scared into going to the altar. I don't remember the instance, I don't remember the year, I don't remember which church. But I remember the fear. The persistent fear.

Condemnation of sinners. The wrath of an Almighty God. And only One Way to stay out of hell.

Go and pray. Go to the altar and pray, and ask for forgiveness, and ask Jesus to be Lord of life.

I went, scared. The details are all entirely hazy--maybe they'll come into focus some other time.

But I remember kneeling at altars. Begging forgiveness. Terrified, sometimes. Terrified of my inability to ask correctly. Terrified of hell. Terrified that I'd done it wrong.

And then, hearing a pastor talk about how repentance meant that you couldn't do the same things anymore, there was a new fear--I found myself unable to stop doing the same things, and kept hearing messages that strongly implied that repentance wasn't something that made it okay to sin, but that unless sin stopped, repentance was basically invalidated.

So, I'd try really hard. And fail. Again. And again. And again.

Becoming less and less fearful and more and more dejected at my own inability. there had to be another way!

When I was physically cast out of church, the once, mid-90s...that was the end of a period of even attempting to try to do what everyone claimed was God's will, as far as repentance and ceasing from sin went. I didn't stop attending, because it wasn't my choice in the first place, but I started seeking solace and answers in other religions.

Up to that point, Christianity had only seemed to work judgment, pain, mockery, a lack of acceptance, fear, self-loathing, and complete uncertainty and inability. I'd had experiences of the truth of Christ, of God...but the church seemed to put to lie even those, for denouncing what bits had been personally experienced. And not denouncing per explanation, but denouncing per refusal to discuss, per a refusal to acknowledge...attempting to pretend things which weren't comfortable didn't exist. Or that they only existed within context of specific, limited understanding which yet wasn't able to account for experience.

I went the other way, then. The churches I'd experienced not only wouldn't answer questions, they refused to meaningfully acknowledge them in terms of actual experience. This, for Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Churches of God, Lutheran, Episcopalian, and howsoever many else there were, experienced firsthand as a welcomed visitor.

My mom used to travel to churches, you see. She sang by track, and I was her "road crew"--I carried the equipment, set it up (she tweaked and did wiring, really--I just hauled and positioned). Many services. Many congregations. Many pastors. Between that, and the churches which other bits of social involvement took me into, there was also ongoing, direct interaction with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.

No Amish, though. And I'm not sure of the representation of Mennonites. Very doubtful.

Either way, point being that there was a survey of a vast bit of the church, in terms of seeking answers in church. Not finding them. But only the same empty resounding, void of some tenor of substance only known per its lack, in persistent context of a desire to have it heard.

So frustrating. I delved into the occult, seeking answers. From one extreme to the other, in other words.

The church claimed God was supremely in control and omnipresent and omnipotent, supernatural and sovereign... ...and yet either shied entirely away from discussion of present-tense "supernatural" or indiscriminately ventured wildly thereunto...both of which...known wrong.

So, since the church didn't have any idea, and since my unregenerate and unrepentant heart didn't know what it meant to call out to God for answers...and couldn't bear to read Scripture, for the discomfort wrought in terms of His being sovereign..

..I went the other way, seeking to understand the supernatural in context of a line of practice which claimed to make distinctions and have discernment. The claim of knowledge and understanding and distinction...was so very appealing.

Problem is, that's all wrong. All which is, exists only in context of who God is. Not in any way apart from Him. To totally mangle a metaphor (or is it a simile?)--

...with the whole idea of God being like (and this is a terrible metaphor, but whatever) an elephant, and we're all like blind men groping to understand Him, but from different perspectives...

...it really was like hearing someone tell me that the elephant speaks (as goes the existence of the Bible, as revelation from God)...then choosing to go and fumble around for my own understanding, regardless.

So, given that I was trying to understand a realm which was far, far beyond mere mortal understanding...by groping blinding according even to shared stories from others who had experienced "success" according to their own processes of likewise blind groping...

...there was only deeper and darker faltering away from the light of His own revelation. But I had no love of truth, as to want to know truth on its own terms--I wanted to know truth according to my terms of willingness to consider and accept its import. Which...yeah, no.

Truth is truth, regardless whether we accept or reject it. Truth isn't true for some people and not-as-much-true for others. That is not truth. Truth is true, or it is not truth. And it does exist.

God is the author.

But I walked away from truth. I walked into darkness, wanting to know truth. Since that which claimed to be light had no answers, then I would seek in darkness.

And there was only pain. Suffering. Even getting to a point where I sought to find meaning in suffering, a-la-Buddha, so as to be free from it. To find a peace in all things. To find a happiness which surpassed circumstances.

In either self-denial or self-fulfillment. Alternating both. All the while finding life less and less meaningful.

It seemed that, if the only meaning to be had must derive from me, then I was insufficient to maintain. No matter which direction was pursued, ultimately.

What precipitated the second instance of prayer to Christ was an attempt to flee the darkness which was quickly enshrouding me unto a final death, from New Orleans then even again in Virginia. I was reckless and had no idea how to stop. And the tendency had only gotten worse and worse.

I knew death was soon coming, except that something changed completely. And moving cross country wasn't enough.

Something, though, within...said that Jesus was the only one who could stop it. He was the only one who could hold it at bay.

So, June 2010, a friend and I prayed that Christ would save me. I asked briefly for forgiveness, for Him to be Lord of my life perhaps, and then...felt slight relief but also complete uncertainty.

I didn't know what to do. Knew I was supposed to change. But didn't know how, still.
Just knew that things were supposed to be totally different.

I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol to excess any more, for one. No more relations outside of marriage, for another. And regular church attendance. And supposed to read the Bible.

And pray.

But I didn't worry about prayer, then. It didn't seem like too big a deal, with everything else that had to be taken care of, first.

I mean--five years of heavy drinking, and to just need to stop? So I tried. And tried. And kept trying.
And finally just started rationalizing it being an okay thing, so long as no madness went down.

And as long as I was in a committed relationship which was intended toward marriage, then certainly it was okay for premarital relations, right?

Yeah, those were the lies I told myself...and probably anyone else who might've had a moment to listen in on the attempt to rationalize away my sense of failure at "being a Christian."

I even called myself doing good works, going to church, talking to people about church, and talking with folks about the Bible. To such an extent that the first major job out of college was viewed as something I could use as a platform for good works (if it hadn't chewed me up and spit me out, in the way of total identity crisis regarding treatment of people--trying to view a place as a means to do good works, while attempting to reconcile absolutely inhumane treatment of others...doesn't long last, as goes sanity, for weak ones...same with the second retail management position).

But, yeah, no. I had it all planned out. I was going to do things. I was going to figure things out. Even as, after stepping away from full-scale focus on the occult still it was a daily practice--but I saw nothing wrong with these things, thought them given by God as a means to do what He would have me do. I thought He allowed me the strength of will and mind (which was such self-delusion, esp. considering how frequent were the breakdowns) as to make good way in doing what He would have done.

But, no, He is near to the broken-hearted, the contrite...those who know their bloodguiltiness and absolute wretchedness and lack and are absolutely mournful of these things.

He looks upon the humble, those who know they are nothing.

He is near to those who seek Him meekly, in truth, rather than according to their own, self-important sense of what is rightful approach.

Just...it wasn't until I saw that I had nothing to give...nothing I could do...nothing I could say...absolutely nothing, even for myself..

..that I was even then able to begin to know Him.

Unto months' worth of haphazard seeking, then, even to reach a point of humility enough as to see Him, truly. As Christ, my Savior. Lord of all of creation. He is Lord.

So, now, it's not a matter of seeking to repent and not do things, again, but a matter of seeking to know Him better. Knowing that drawing nearer Him, He will give repentance. And through that gift, there'll be a turning from sin that's not something I have to plan or strive for...but that, just out of such a strong desire to turn toward Him, in those moments of seeing the wretchedness of certain sins, it becomes wholly distasteful, loathe-some, even in the same moment as Christ has become that much more precious.

I don't press for repentance, in other words. I press toward Christ, and repentance is just one of the fruits He yields through the process.

Slowly, nearer. Ever nearer. Knowing, now, that I'm not the one in charge of my growth.
He is. He regenerated my spirit. He works sanctification. So, even when there are moments of uncertainty and of error, still...He's the one who will correct me. Even as He uses others, and Scripture, and whatsoever He will...to that end.

Just...there've been bits and pieces of Scripture, lately, which have utterly lodged themselves in my mind, regarding concept. I think each of the apostles mentioned something of the same, in their epistles, even. And it's just...it's something which seems so strikingly obvious, yet I've really started to wonder that it's completely overlooked, lately (which is much the reason for the one of some of last week's writing--frustration that it would be neglected). But not right now. I shouldn't have written out of frustration, period, but it happens. Thus, always a need for discernment.

Also, in other news:
I don't understand why we are a people who don't fast unto the Lord.
It's proven significantly edifying in my own walk, prayerfully entered and sustained (otherwise not at all). But there's a lot of negativity attached even to the idea of it, apparently.

Which...yeah, I guess if you think fasting is bad, you probably shouldn't do it. And if you think it's generally "wrongly done," I guess you really wouldn't be in a position to recommend it to others. But, whatever. As far as that goes, to each their own, as the Lord leads.

I don't have to understand, only obey. Although I am beginning to get the impression that there are definitely groups to whom the idea of personal revelation (thus explicitly stated) comes across akin to nails across a chalkboard. Still, I wonder what else they would consider salvation, regeneration, sanctification...except the most blatant and overarching of all personal revelations? Dichotomous/self-contradictory logic is just so...confounding, but all the moreso when it yet somehow persists, tangent to The Truth of all truths.