There's always so much more. Always.
Any momentary bit of clarity is only that--momentary, so subject still to the constraints of time and space. One of the bits of Scripture that's absolutely stuck in mind, for the past months has been what Christ said of wisdom, in terms of where appearances of wholly disparate action (even so much so as seeming wholly contradictory)...whereas extremes are each denounced by the world...yet are justified according to the wisdom which guides such action.
In that John the Baptist lived what was considered a completely eccentric, absolutely ascetic, wholly fanatic lifestyle...and He was denounced by religious authority, even so far as that some considered him demon-possessed.
And, alternately, Jesus Christ--God Incarnate--freely associated with the "undesirables," "the untouchables," and even sharing meals and drink with them...such that religious authorities also denounced Him, calling Him a drunkard and glutton (at the least).
Superficial appearance would make it seem that those two lifestyles are irreconcilably different, yes. Superficial distinctions make it seem as though those are two opposite ends of a spectrum of potential behavior, regarding what ought be considered "righteous"...and what could be considered righteous.
Yet, Christ Himself said that John was greater than any man yet born of woman--He didn't fault His asceticism, His apparent fanatical adherence to such doctrine as he proclaimed, nor even in any way denounce his eccentricity as "turning people off, turning them away from God."
John's acts were apparently according to God's will, given that He was the one who "prepared the way of the Lord." So, it's not a light thing, even, to consider the way he lived...to speak of the eccentricities apparent (as noted by Christ, in noting those things being said of John)..
...he went into the wilderness, into the desert, fairly young. And remained there. Not sporadically chosen. Not a "statement" action for the sake of self-referential denouncement of society. But beseeching the world to turn, to repent. Pleading.
Just as Christ came to save the sick, the blind, the dead, the deaf, the dumb, the fatherless, the orphans, the widows, and all those who are lost, in want of a Shepherd.
Not those who see. Not those who are well.
But...
...those who know they are blind. Those who know they are unwell.
Only He can even make such a thing known, though, so deep is our pride.
...
Twice, in the past, I'd thought myself saved. Because I made a decision. Because I said a prayer.
Because I started doing what I thought was right, according to my understanding of Scripture.
..or attempting to, at least..
When I was young, I was scared into going to the altar. I don't remember the instance, I don't remember the year, I don't remember which church. But I remember the fear. The persistent fear.
Condemnation of sinners. The wrath of an Almighty God. And only One Way to stay out of hell.
Go and pray. Go to the altar and pray, and ask for forgiveness, and ask Jesus to be Lord of life.
I went, scared. The details are all entirely hazy--maybe they'll come into focus some other time.
But I remember kneeling at altars. Begging forgiveness. Terrified, sometimes. Terrified of my inability to ask correctly. Terrified of hell. Terrified that I'd done it wrong.
And then, hearing a pastor talk about how repentance meant that you couldn't do the same things anymore, there was a new fear--I found myself unable to stop doing the same things, and kept hearing messages that strongly implied that repentance wasn't something that made it okay to sin, but that unless sin stopped, repentance was basically invalidated.
So, I'd try really hard. And fail. Again. And again. And again.
Becoming less and less fearful and more and more dejected at my own inability. there had to be another way!
When I was physically cast out of church, the once, mid-90s...that was the end of a period of even attempting to try to do what everyone claimed was God's will, as far as repentance and ceasing from sin went. I didn't stop attending, because it wasn't my choice in the first place, but I started seeking solace and answers in other religions.
Up to that point, Christianity had only seemed to work judgment, pain, mockery, a lack of acceptance, fear, self-loathing, and complete uncertainty and inability. I'd had experiences of the truth of Christ, of God...but the church seemed to put to lie even those, for denouncing what bits had been personally experienced. And not denouncing per explanation, but denouncing per refusal to discuss, per a refusal to acknowledge...attempting to pretend things which weren't comfortable didn't exist. Or that they only existed within context of specific, limited understanding which yet wasn't able to account for experience.
I went the other way, then. The churches I'd experienced not only wouldn't answer questions, they refused to meaningfully acknowledge them in terms of actual experience. This, for Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Churches of God, Lutheran, Episcopalian, and howsoever many else there were, experienced firsthand as a welcomed visitor.
My mom used to travel to churches, you see. She sang by track, and I was her "road crew"--I carried the equipment, set it up (she tweaked and did wiring, really--I just hauled and positioned). Many services. Many congregations. Many pastors. Between that, and the churches which other bits of social involvement took me into, there was also ongoing, direct interaction with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.
No Amish, though. And I'm not sure of the representation of Mennonites. Very doubtful.
Either way, point being that there was a survey of a vast bit of the church, in terms of seeking answers in church. Not finding them. But only the same empty resounding, void of some tenor of substance only known per its lack, in persistent context of a desire to have it heard.
So frustrating. I delved into the occult, seeking answers. From one extreme to the other, in other words.
The church claimed God was supremely in control and omnipresent and omnipotent, supernatural and sovereign... ...and yet either shied entirely away from discussion of present-tense "supernatural" or indiscriminately ventured wildly thereunto...both of which...known wrong.
So, since the church didn't have any idea, and since my unregenerate and unrepentant heart didn't know what it meant to call out to God for answers...and couldn't bear to read Scripture, for the discomfort wrought in terms of His being sovereign..
..I went the other way, seeking to understand the supernatural in context of a line of practice which claimed to make distinctions and have discernment. The claim of knowledge and understanding and distinction...was so very appealing.
Problem is, that's all wrong. All which is, exists only in context of who God is. Not in any way apart from Him. To totally mangle a metaphor (or is it a simile?)--
...with the whole idea of God being like (and this is a terrible metaphor, but whatever) an elephant, and we're all like blind men groping to understand Him, but from different perspectives...
...it really was like hearing someone tell me that the elephant speaks (as goes the existence of the Bible, as revelation from God)...then choosing to go and fumble around for my own understanding, regardless.
So, given that I was trying to understand a realm which was far, far beyond mere mortal understanding...by groping blinding according even to shared stories from others who had experienced "success" according to their own processes of likewise blind groping...
...there was only deeper and darker faltering away from the light of His own revelation. But I had no love of truth, as to want to know truth on its own terms--I wanted to know truth according to my terms of willingness to consider and accept its import. Which...yeah, no.
Truth is truth, regardless whether we accept or reject it. Truth isn't true for some people and not-as-much-true for others. That is not truth. Truth is true, or it is not truth. And it does exist.
God is the author.
But I walked away from truth. I walked into darkness, wanting to know truth. Since that which claimed to be light had no answers, then I would seek in darkness.
And there was only pain. Suffering. Even getting to a point where I sought to find meaning in suffering, a-la-Buddha, so as to be free from it. To find a peace in all things. To find a happiness which surpassed circumstances.
In either self-denial or self-fulfillment. Alternating both. All the while finding life less and less meaningful.
It seemed that, if the only meaning to be had must derive from me, then I was insufficient to maintain. No matter which direction was pursued, ultimately.
What precipitated the second instance of prayer to Christ was an attempt to flee the darkness which was quickly enshrouding me unto a final death, from New Orleans then even again in Virginia. I was reckless and had no idea how to stop. And the tendency had only gotten worse and worse.
I knew death was soon coming, except that something changed completely. And moving cross country wasn't enough.
Something, though, within...said that Jesus was the only one who could stop it. He was the only one who could hold it at bay.
So, June 2010, a friend and I prayed that Christ would save me. I asked briefly for forgiveness, for Him to be Lord of my life perhaps, and then...felt slight relief but also complete uncertainty.
I didn't know what to do. Knew I was supposed to change. But didn't know how, still.
Just knew that things were supposed to be totally different.
I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol to excess any more, for one. No more relations outside of marriage, for another. And regular church attendance. And supposed to read the Bible.
And pray.
But I didn't worry about prayer, then. It didn't seem like too big a deal, with everything else that had to be taken care of, first.
I mean--five years of heavy drinking, and to just need to stop? So I tried. And tried. And kept trying.
And finally just started rationalizing it being an okay thing, so long as no madness went down.
And as long as I was in a committed relationship which was intended toward marriage, then certainly it was okay for premarital relations, right?
Yeah, those were the lies I told myself...and probably anyone else who might've had a moment to listen in on the attempt to rationalize away my sense of failure at "being a Christian."
I even called myself doing good works, going to church, talking to people about church, and talking with folks about the Bible. To such an extent that the first major job out of college was viewed as something I could use as a platform for good works (if it hadn't chewed me up and spit me out, in the way of total identity crisis regarding treatment of people--trying to view a place as a means to do good works, while attempting to reconcile absolutely inhumane treatment of others...doesn't long last, as goes sanity, for weak ones...same with the second retail management position).
But, yeah, no. I had it all planned out. I was going to do things. I was going to figure things out. Even as, after stepping away from full-scale focus on the occult still it was a daily practice--but I saw nothing wrong with these things, thought them given by God as a means to do what He would have me do. I thought He allowed me the strength of will and mind (which was such self-delusion, esp. considering how frequent were the breakdowns) as to make good way in doing what He would have done.
But, no, He is near to the broken-hearted, the contrite...those who know their bloodguiltiness and absolute wretchedness and lack and are absolutely mournful of these things.
He looks upon the humble, those who know they are nothing.
He is near to those who seek Him meekly, in truth, rather than according to their own, self-important sense of what is rightful approach.
Just...it wasn't until I saw that I had nothing to give...nothing I could do...nothing I could say...absolutely nothing, even for myself..
..that I was even then able to begin to know Him.
Unto months' worth of haphazard seeking, then, even to reach a point of humility enough as to see Him, truly. As Christ, my Savior. Lord of all of creation. He is Lord.
So, now, it's not a matter of seeking to repent and not do things, again, but a matter of seeking to know Him better. Knowing that drawing nearer Him, He will give repentance. And through that gift, there'll be a turning from sin that's not something I have to plan or strive for...but that, just out of such a strong desire to turn toward Him, in those moments of seeing the wretchedness of certain sins, it becomes wholly distasteful, loathe-some, even in the same moment as Christ has become that much more precious.
I don't press for repentance, in other words. I press toward Christ, and repentance is just one of the fruits He yields through the process.
Slowly, nearer. Ever nearer. Knowing, now, that I'm not the one in charge of my growth.
He is. He regenerated my spirit. He works sanctification. So, even when there are moments of uncertainty and of error, still...He's the one who will correct me. Even as He uses others, and Scripture, and whatsoever He will...to that end.
Just...there've been bits and pieces of Scripture, lately, which have utterly lodged themselves in my mind, regarding concept. I think each of the apostles mentioned something of the same, in their epistles, even. And it's just...it's something which seems so strikingly obvious, yet I've really started to wonder that it's completely overlooked, lately (which is much the reason for the one of some of last week's writing--frustration that it would be neglected). But not right now. I shouldn't have written out of frustration, period, but it happens. Thus, always a need for discernment.
Also, in other news:
I don't understand why we are a people who don't fast unto the Lord.
It's proven significantly edifying in my own walk, prayerfully entered and sustained (otherwise not at all). But there's a lot of negativity attached even to the idea of it, apparently.
Which...yeah, I guess if you think fasting is bad, you probably shouldn't do it. And if you think it's generally "wrongly done," I guess you really wouldn't be in a position to recommend it to others. But, whatever. As far as that goes, to each their own, as the Lord leads.
I don't have to understand, only obey. Although I am beginning to get the impression that there are definitely groups to whom the idea of personal revelation (thus explicitly stated) comes across akin to nails across a chalkboard. Still, I wonder what else they would consider salvation, regeneration, sanctification...except the most blatant and overarching of all personal revelations? Dichotomous/self-contradictory logic is just so...confounding, but all the moreso when it yet somehow persists, tangent to The Truth of all truths.
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