Final Preliminary: Worth Noting

It has been both my experience and first-hand observation, over the years, that people thrive off moments of genuine human connection. The challenge, however, lies in how to relax one's presumptions and cynicisms enough as to genuinely connect. We all have so many emotional and mental barriers put in place for protection--from others and as a means of bolstering self.

Truth is, though, taking someone at their word doesn't have to equate to a challenge to self-views, even when other-views are contradictory to--even diametrically opposed to--whatever self holds as truth. Not at all. 

The experience of this, without pressure to conform--suspending any judgment and expectation in favor of natural progression--is proof itself. If you've never experienced that in random situations before, I challenge you to try it with a stranger--just have an honest conversation about yourself and an open acceptance of who they are...a genuine curiosity in who they are, for a moment. Keeping in mind it may take more than one attempt to suspend judgments and expectations sufficiently as to experience the exchange genuinely and similarly inspire the other to engage.

Taking the first step is key.

...as to the curiosity:

We all experience varied degrees of difference in the way we perceive (thus interact with) the world. And no matter how much distraction mounts in our circumstances, basic curiosity about the lives of others can prove a positive influence. When taken at face value, for open consideration.

This will be mine, then, for perusal.

Almost ready...

Still in the process of setting the stage--disclaimers, backstory, and thematic overview are always important to establishing a story. And there's still a little left to explain before jumping into anything haphazardly. Which...very likely...is how I'll proceed once all this is fleshed out.

Either which. This is my space, I can do what I want. *grin+minor happy dance*

Some of what I'd posted earlier might seem to tend toward indication that I intend to offer proof(?) or an overt explanation for my experiences and beliefs. That would be absurd. I can't hand, on a screen, all the thoughts and experiences I've cumulatively had in such a way as to entirely recreate the scenario. At best, it would be a reflection of a different time-space which might give shadow glimpses into momentary insight as pruned through cumulative observation and interpretation.

You still wouldn't see it as I do, as you can only interpret per your own perspective. Even as overlaps may certainly exist...in which case, you would intuit what's necessarily prudent for understanding explicit context per implicit content. ...which, I'm not breaking down nor elaborating any further, as to refrain from utter redundancy.

What proceeds will be a reflection, stated in whichever way I tend to choose. For the sake of sharing. There's a lot of strange truth in the uncanniest of places, in this world.

Just, I'd rather this all preliminary be out now, so as not to feel the pressing need to continually go back and forth with explaining the how's and why's and what's of my observations. Which, if the point of writing were to prove or explain, I would be obligated as a conscientious author to provide. But no.

That's not the thing.

Just as with my Christian friend who had open fellowship/communication with me, while I was on my own detour, I just want to share my observations and perspectives freely as they exist in real-time. Without the burden of proof on either of us. Just to share and remark upon the experience in ways which are meaningful, without attempting to force collaboration. Just to share. To connect in a vital way, as living, breathing, conscious beings on this strange rock orbiting in the vastness of space.

And if connection isn't possible or forthcoming...if no one comes along...then I'll still have had a meaningful experience in simply doing what feels necessary. While knowing the possibility of company has been somewhat prepared for, at the very least, given the setting.

But, yeah...

...as I see it, testimonies isn't about gaining recognition or convicting others. It's an opportunity to thank God, publicly, hopefully with some prevalent degree of humility and a vast appreciation for grace.
Similar to how friends excitedly disclose good news amongst one another, expressing a genuine pleasure in and appreciation for beneficial developments in one another's lives, the whole can be a mutually uplifting experience, raising spirits and reinforcing hope. Rather than focusing on difficulties and contention, ongoing interaction which focuses more wholly on these sorts of positive exchanges can continually suspend one's outlook to a more positive perspective.

Furthermore...

I've never really given a traditional, so-called "testimony" before.

Apparently, that's kind of a thing to do, though.

I never know where to start with stories about things which have happened. It's easier to recall reverse-chronological, starting with the most recent. But, by the time I get to the beginning, so much else has been passingly considered as a potential factor in development that there's another bit of story in too many other directions to reasonably consider. Very convoluted--attempting to take into account that correlation doesn't necessarily signify causation and Occam's razor generally applies, while noting the butterfly effect and synchronicity are worth considering.

In other words, at the end of the day, all I can do is take my own subjective experiences and attempt to interpret them in best context of what I know to be true.

And, yeah, I know there are theories which posit that certain "supernatural" experiences can be explained away by neural activity. In extreme cases, even to the extent of physical manifestations of erroneous conscious beliefs.

But we all work with what we have, as far as what we believe. My beliefs are founded upon a lifelong desire to achieve happiness, attain fulfillment, and acquire understanding--upon the experiences and comprehensive realizations which have occurred along that course.

The foundation of my beliefs is riddled with remarkable experiences which range from the seemingly mundane to the miraculous.

I'm hoping to be able to share some of the insight I've gained, no matter that it's personal likely won't readily translate. No way to know, but to try.

Coming Out.

Yeah, so I'm not the most PC person. Otherwise, I wouldn't adopt the term used in the post title for the purposes present in this outlay. The LBGT community has received a lot of hatred/war-mongering from various sects of the Christian community, so there are those who might consider it either plain insensitive or even outright backhanded to use the phrase "coming out" in terms of Christianity.

It crossed my mind that may be the case, otherwise I wouldn't take the time to give this all bit of disclaimer to follow (on the off-chance that anyone other than myself ends up reading all this--stranger things have happened, after all).

No disrespect intended, honestly. Just, I've had and still have a fair number of openly LBGT friends who've gone through the ordeal of "coming out of the closet," so I'm a bit familiar with the process of anxieties and concerns--outright fear and trepidation, to terror, even--experienced on the verge of coming out.

Heck, given my bend for psychoanalysis, I've even gone through the process of doing as best as possible to empathize through what the experience must be. Knowing, still, that given my hypothetical stance, even what bits were conjured can't do justice to the entirety of what's experienced for someone truly going through the process.

All of this, though, is just to give an idea of why I chose the particular phrase. At this particular juncture. In this particular day and age. And...as a preliminary step...via this medium.

I'm afraid of "coming out" as a Christian. I'm fearful of the reactions I'll receive--the potential for outright rejection. I'm concerned about how those friends of mine, longstanding, who value science and logic above all else will change their view of me.

Because I'd spent so many years, in the interim of my lapse in faith, living with the "other" mentality. I once viewed Christians with a sort of sympathetic pity, at best, ranging to outright disgust and disdain, on the extreme. In those rare instances where I didn't have any emotional response to them personally, I still viewed them with extreme suspicion--expecting at any moment for a lecture to begin and thenceforth weave through any later exchanges.

Dread that every Christian was the spiritual equivalent of a used car salesperson largely begat initial disdain. Further, experience had largely shown Christians to be the varied embodiment of contentious, demanding, entitled, oppressive, judgmental, hypocritical, self-righteous, bigoted, arrogant, and (potentially) delusional behavior...at such an overwhelming degree as to wholly undermine any loving or giving tendencies. Not a very attractive package.

Those responses to Christians were once mine, is all. Excepting in regard to one Christian with whom I no longer have the opportunity to speak.

He never judged me. Maybe because I didn't tell him about the things were worth judging?--judging myself pre-emptively, really. But, even then, there was no sense of being judged. Any guilt or shame I felt was upon my own reflection, regarding activities and involvements which didn't feel worthy of my best self-interests (periodic drunkenness and chaotic tendencies are not exactly self-loving endeavors, for example).

But, yeah...

Aside of him, whom I had utmost respect for beyond his proclamation of Christianity...I viewed the religion and its adherents as inherently trying. Even amongst family, I "tolerated" religious mention while being disgusted by various aspects of the presentation. But with that one friend, conversation was open-ended. I was free to be who I am, without restriction or expectation. And so I welcomed even spiritual discussions, for even the sake of sharing differing viewpoints. The main distinction in terms of those conversations is that we always discussed and never debated--we, neither of us, threatened or called into question our respective belief systems. Neither of us ever proclaimed superiority of a more accurate stance, so neither of us was ever cast into judgment.

That is not the common trend. Or, it hasn't been. Even though that's the precise approach I aspire to maintain, going forward, I know it's not readily expected so there are a variety of responses I might be likely to experience.

(Many) Non-Christian friends, family, and acquaintances regard me with a smattering of suspicion and/or disappointment, already (of those whom I've spoken somewhat more freely)--wondering when the lectures and attempted "conversions" will begin.

Christian friends and family have, of course, had much different responses--ranging from humbly congratulatory and supportive to self-congratulatory. For the most part, I'd much prefer just a solemn smile and nod--heartfelt acknowledgment, as acceptance, without either congratulations or disappointment.

I really shouldn't try to predict how things will go, though. I know that only breeds further anxiety (ah, but human tendencies!).

The main thing is just to be. God will take care of the rest.

But this place, the space for writing, I want it to be a space for being open about my relationship with God and the world, and what all there is.

Despite that certain things will certainly go well beyond the realm of what's considered normal, yeah, if I'm open about more than just present-tense situations (and, honestly, even then there's ongoing possibility of "insanity" cropping up as is wont...ah, yes), I still want this place to be freer.

So, it is as it is. And if anyone does wander by, that's beyond my place to be concerned for. Merely, there's enough to focus on otherwise and a driving need to reflect openly upon the wonders of all...

I'm coming out of the closet as a Christian, then. Be that as it may, I'm praying to stay the course as my friend had--being as one who cares beyond all judgment and merely thrills in the opportunity to connect with others, as had been my attempted course all the while before.

Disclaimer/passing bit of a mission statement further accomplished:

Now to write a bit about the present. Maybe.

A New Corner

I never know where to start. Just jump in?

Writing helps too much to give up on doing so, yet there aren't quite places for it, these days. Too much has been changing, too rapidly, and acclimation has entailed a good deal of withdrawing. Processing requires a certain amount of solitude.

Support, still. Interaction, yes. But a good deal of solitude, alongside.

Part of the draw for writing here is the relative anonymity. Trust has been a major point of internal unrest, lately--not knowing who to trust and feeling a bit cut off from older friends, per recent-ish lifestyle changes, makes communication a sticky point.

I hold my friends in highest regard--some are practically family, given all we've been through together. But my primary focus, my general outlook on life, has altered a lot over these past few years--the points of contact we once shared are no longer part of my daily perspective. So, we talk and catch up, and that's it.

Religion is the core of the division.

Life has changed for me. I've experienced too much to turn my back on my beliefs, any longer. And what bits of passing reference have occurred between myself and old friends has made it clear there's not an opening for discussion. When, more than anything, spiritual matters are what I want to discuss, nowadays.

So, there's here.

Where, I anticipate there's going to be a bit of a mess for a while. But not forever.

One step at a time, after all.

Keeping my vision uplifted.