Coming Out.

Yeah, so I'm not the most PC person. Otherwise, I wouldn't adopt the term used in the post title for the purposes present in this outlay. The LBGT community has received a lot of hatred/war-mongering from various sects of the Christian community, so there are those who might consider it either plain insensitive or even outright backhanded to use the phrase "coming out" in terms of Christianity.

It crossed my mind that may be the case, otherwise I wouldn't take the time to give this all bit of disclaimer to follow (on the off-chance that anyone other than myself ends up reading all this--stranger things have happened, after all).

No disrespect intended, honestly. Just, I've had and still have a fair number of openly LBGT friends who've gone through the ordeal of "coming out of the closet," so I'm a bit familiar with the process of anxieties and concerns--outright fear and trepidation, to terror, even--experienced on the verge of coming out.

Heck, given my bend for psychoanalysis, I've even gone through the process of doing as best as possible to empathize through what the experience must be. Knowing, still, that given my hypothetical stance, even what bits were conjured can't do justice to the entirety of what's experienced for someone truly going through the process.

All of this, though, is just to give an idea of why I chose the particular phrase. At this particular juncture. In this particular day and age. And...as a preliminary step...via this medium.

I'm afraid of "coming out" as a Christian. I'm fearful of the reactions I'll receive--the potential for outright rejection. I'm concerned about how those friends of mine, longstanding, who value science and logic above all else will change their view of me.

Because I'd spent so many years, in the interim of my lapse in faith, living with the "other" mentality. I once viewed Christians with a sort of sympathetic pity, at best, ranging to outright disgust and disdain, on the extreme. In those rare instances where I didn't have any emotional response to them personally, I still viewed them with extreme suspicion--expecting at any moment for a lecture to begin and thenceforth weave through any later exchanges.

Dread that every Christian was the spiritual equivalent of a used car salesperson largely begat initial disdain. Further, experience had largely shown Christians to be the varied embodiment of contentious, demanding, entitled, oppressive, judgmental, hypocritical, self-righteous, bigoted, arrogant, and (potentially) delusional behavior...at such an overwhelming degree as to wholly undermine any loving or giving tendencies. Not a very attractive package.

Those responses to Christians were once mine, is all. Excepting in regard to one Christian with whom I no longer have the opportunity to speak.

He never judged me. Maybe because I didn't tell him about the things were worth judging?--judging myself pre-emptively, really. But, even then, there was no sense of being judged. Any guilt or shame I felt was upon my own reflection, regarding activities and involvements which didn't feel worthy of my best self-interests (periodic drunkenness and chaotic tendencies are not exactly self-loving endeavors, for example).

But, yeah...

Aside of him, whom I had utmost respect for beyond his proclamation of Christianity...I viewed the religion and its adherents as inherently trying. Even amongst family, I "tolerated" religious mention while being disgusted by various aspects of the presentation. But with that one friend, conversation was open-ended. I was free to be who I am, without restriction or expectation. And so I welcomed even spiritual discussions, for even the sake of sharing differing viewpoints. The main distinction in terms of those conversations is that we always discussed and never debated--we, neither of us, threatened or called into question our respective belief systems. Neither of us ever proclaimed superiority of a more accurate stance, so neither of us was ever cast into judgment.

That is not the common trend. Or, it hasn't been. Even though that's the precise approach I aspire to maintain, going forward, I know it's not readily expected so there are a variety of responses I might be likely to experience.

(Many) Non-Christian friends, family, and acquaintances regard me with a smattering of suspicion and/or disappointment, already (of those whom I've spoken somewhat more freely)--wondering when the lectures and attempted "conversions" will begin.

Christian friends and family have, of course, had much different responses--ranging from humbly congratulatory and supportive to self-congratulatory. For the most part, I'd much prefer just a solemn smile and nod--heartfelt acknowledgment, as acceptance, without either congratulations or disappointment.

I really shouldn't try to predict how things will go, though. I know that only breeds further anxiety (ah, but human tendencies!).

The main thing is just to be. God will take care of the rest.

But this place, the space for writing, I want it to be a space for being open about my relationship with God and the world, and what all there is.

Despite that certain things will certainly go well beyond the realm of what's considered normal, yeah, if I'm open about more than just present-tense situations (and, honestly, even then there's ongoing possibility of "insanity" cropping up as is wont...ah, yes), I still want this place to be freer.

So, it is as it is. And if anyone does wander by, that's beyond my place to be concerned for. Merely, there's enough to focus on otherwise and a driving need to reflect openly upon the wonders of all...

I'm coming out of the closet as a Christian, then. Be that as it may, I'm praying to stay the course as my friend had--being as one who cares beyond all judgment and merely thrills in the opportunity to connect with others, as had been my attempted course all the while before.

Disclaimer/passing bit of a mission statement further accomplished:

Now to write a bit about the present. Maybe.