About

A Disciple of Jesus Christ, mid-2014 to Present 

Led by the Holy Spirit into truth and knowledge, so to glorify God both in life and in whatever death He so chooses: doing all things (not by might, nor by my own power, but) increasingly by His Spirit, in His name--that He may receive all the glory: increasingly: rejoicing in all things, praying without ceasing, and being anxious for nothing, while being prompted to make all requests known to God, who fulfills according to His great faithfulness, goodness, and mercy: seeking increased sanctification unto the Lord through ardent prayer, diligent (by grace) study of the Holy Bible, fellowship with others who also know Christ, and whatsoever other avenues the Lord provides as means to draw nearer to Him; so to be holy, as He is holy, and pure, as He is pure: serving Him evermore humbly in whatsoever capacities He wills and allows: all by grace, through faith, and not of works lest boasts should arise. All per Him.

It is written:

'They will all be taught by God.' Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to [Jesus Christ]. (John 6:45) That [we] may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; If by any means [we] might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:10-14)

As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him. (1 John 2:27)

Evildoers do not understand what is right, but those who seek the LORD understand it fully. (Proverbs 28:5) For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly. He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair--every good path. (Proverbs 2:6-9) [For w]hat we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. (1 Corinthians 2:12) 

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20) [M]ay it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. (Galatians 6:14) 

So, I press on toward a deeper knowledge of and submission to Christ; longing to be made holy, as He is holy; seeking in all ways which the Lord directs and allows to share the life-changing, spirit-regenerating power of God unto salvation which is the Gospel of Jesus Christ:

We are all dead in our sins--turned traitor against a perfect God, we've forfeited life. And our God is perfectly just and righteous, so He can't ignore but must punish sin. But God chose to, according to His good pleasure, to make a way for salvation from the wrath due us by taking on flesh, Himself, and living a life of perfect obedience in order to present Himself as the only substitute capable of totally satisfying the infinite debt we owed against His infinitely good, infinitely holy Being. He became our atoning sacrifice, the propitiation for our sins, so to satisfy justice while making a way for mercy to be extended to sinners such as us.

God incarnate walked among us. Immanuel--"God with us." Christ--The Anointed; Jesus--God who saves. He lived sinless and perfectly loving--teaching us about Himself and the righteousness of God, and enduring our rejection, hatred, mockery, torture, and crucifixion.

He became a curse for us, becoming the payment for our sins, becoming the way for all of us who have sinned to be reconciled into right relationship with God, through His perfect sacrificial atonement. Perfect justice was served and satisfied so mercy can now been extended through justice--through Jesus, alone.

And He died. Life come in the flesh, yet He died for us. Out of love for us, that we would be restored to right relationship with Him.

Yet He also resurrected from death--overcoming death, hell, and the grave--proof of His being the Son of God, and proof of our salvation being made complete in Him. Then He has ascended to the heavenlies, ascended to eternal sovereignty... and He will return here, someday. To make all things new. And to Judge.

...

At other times, when I apply myself to prayer, I feel all my spirit and all my soul lift itself up without any care or effort of mine, and it continues as it were suspended and firmly fixed in God, 
as in its center and place of rest.
— Brother Lawrence 

One must either succumb to the fearing nature altogether and become a “Craven Coward” for the rest of one’s life; or by yielding that fearful nature wholly to the Lord and using each temptation to fear as an opportunity for practicing faith, 
be made at last into a radiant “Fearless Witness” to his love and power.
There is no middle course.
— Hannah Hurnard 

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;and all these things shall be added unto you.Matthew 6:33

When thou saidst, Seek ye my face;
my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
Psalm 27:8

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,
saith the LORD,
thoughts of peace, and not of evil,
to give you an expected end.
Then shall ye call upon Me,
and ye shall go and pray unto Me,
and I will hearken unto you.
And ye shall seek Me, and find Me,
when ye shall search for Me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

...

Life prior to acknowledging Christ as Lord was absolutely chaotic--full of despair and continual failure, characterized by absolute lack of constancy. Emotional and mental breakdowns were as much a part of life as was breathing, despite continual, ardent pursuit of multifarious, commonly touted means of fulfillment--striving unto satisfaction, stability, and success according to worldly philosophies.

A battle was continually waged in pursuit of a "meaningful life," personally attempted as a striving to attain progressive understanding of self and the universe, synonymous with pursuing hope and happiness, via diversified experiences and studies. I sought to attain and maintain such a sense of purpose by discovering and pursuing any means as seemed particularly likely to lead to thus-defined progressive self-fulfillment and self-development. This, via varied pursuit and application of principles spiritual, religious, psychological, social, relational, financial, professional, physical, mental, and academic.

Periods of disciplined living were alternated with bouts of progressive hedonism, each endeavored in hope of delineating aptest means of progressive self-fulfillment--expected evidenced per distinctly contrasted experiences, furthering pursuits of whichever approach to discovery proved more unwaveringly and broadly fulfilling, thus "meaningful." Such attempts to discern means to progressive self-fulfillment via diversifying efforts across the spectrum of self-disciplined unto self-indulgent experience was inspired by an ever-increasing assumption that self-actualization was wholly central to truly establishing and maintaining a meaningful existence. I ended up striving to "be all the 'me' I could be" in as many circumstances as seemed sufficiently unique and beneficial to furthering understanding as could be conceived.

Everything and nearly anything was undertaken for the sake of experiencing a fulfilling life, along those lines: Seeking to maintain, along such lines, a purposeful life. Even as it increasingly seemed apparent per such courses of pursuit that fulfillment could never be unwaveringly maintained, if only ever considered according to what was self-defined.

Only camaraderie, service, and increased understanding of the apparent external paradigms of reality offered seeming constancy of progressive fulfillment. Yet there were inherent limits to ability to reap a multi-lateral sense of purpose from any of those pursuits--no increasing satisfaction of the desire to grow and develop and broaden perspective was wrought consistently, across even these realms. And there was horizontal progress, but only horizontal...and very slow. No comprehensive development, though--only progress along any particular planes and with limits to apparent extent of development.

Self (as both agent and focus in "self-fulfillment") had once seemed the only viable means of establishing and maintaining a consistent sense of purpose and meaning, but being constantly swayed by circumstances increasingly made evident a limit to sustenance of meaning wrought thereby. And likewise, circumstantial and action-derived purpose was found insufficient to maintain a progressive sense of fulfillment, too unilateral thus insubstantial to support comprehensive progress.

Being transitory and self-defined or circumstantial and yet still relativistically defined, both these courses lacked substance necessary to providing a solid and broad foundation sufficient to allow for multi-lateral, comprehensive progress. Both particularly failed to support a purposeful existence per lacking any inherent absolute point of reference for meaning. Such had become an apparent necessity to the pursuit of any actual, progressive understanding of the all which constitutes self and reality.

It was all empty, is all: A continually, increasingly empty life. Self as the point of reference for truth, thus meaning, was wholly insufficient to maintain any semblance of constancy in a world utterly beyond my control. And other points of reference--external, yet each in a likewise subjection to the apparent whims of reality--weren't sufficient to constitute any point of constancy sufficient to representing absolute truth (thus absolute point of reference as determined necessary unto instituting and pursuing and maintaining purposeful existence), either.

But then Christ became an active part of my conscious reality--acknowledging the truth of God's presence, pre-eminence, and sovereignty, I acknowledged and found absolute meaning at the fount of the foremost point of reality's existence:

Even to yearn for meaning indicates knowledge it does exist, as a desired concept around which life is intended to revolve. And to long for it, and to seek for truth, He led me to find it.

Only absolute truth can constitute sufficient foundation to build a life upon, with unwavering meaning. And the absolute truth is that we live in a created reality, with a Creator. Everything points to this, but in defiance we suppress the truth, wanting to be lords of our own lives: Forsaking knowledge of truth and losing touch with reality, we forsake a meaningful, fulfilling existence along the course.

...

In 2010, I began to find meaning in the Scriptures--discovering a certain depth, wholly fascinating, providing a peace which was surreal. Initially believing it merely a byproduct of somewhat a meditative practice of study and devotion, I continued living in a way which denied Christ's sovereignty over my life for years. Even after repeatedly reciting a "sinner's prayer," beginning mid-2010, I had no concept of grace and no real awareness of the travesty of erring against a holy and perfectly good God.

Nothing had changed at that point, externally or fundamentally within. I found some amount of solace--peace--when attending church, but hadn't experienced any vital change in the way I perceived God, myself, or life. Christ was an idea, but not a person I related with. So, "meaning" was still in short supply at that point--Christianity had only been tacked onto a long list of other religious curiosities long-held in consideration for periodic practice. Even flippantly and irreverently, I considered Christianity equivalent to the meditative practices and mental gymnastics of Zen Buddhism. So blind.

I found peace in the "practice" of Christianity, but no greater meaning in life than elsewhere, until 2014.

A period of relative social isolation fraught with all sorts of self-destructive tendencies and proclivities culminated in yet another round of hospitalization, January 1, 2014. Another sustained effort at maintaining a reason for living (with such meaning wrought per internally described, but externally ascribed points of significance) ultimately fell apart as external points of hope failed to maintain reasonable conformity to correspondent, internal ideals--resultant, internal conflict was sufficient to shatter all sense of hope and purpose...

...and in the midst of subsequent recovery, I was further felled twice, to a point of total uncertainty, inability--total physical, mental, social, financial, spiritual, and professional incapacitation. Simultaneous arose realization of the abject reality of God's apparent existence and sovereignty, inciting total peace per abject surrender to His providential will and care. This was increasingly honed down to the specific realization of Christ's total Lordship,  given that He is God in the flesh--specifically, being confronted with the particular significance of His Godhood regarding my own life and plans: Jesus being Lord of All means He is Lord of me, Lord of my life, and has sovereign and actual authority over my life and decisions. Meaning, moreover, I'm not my own. And, furthermore: None of us are. He created us, He sustains us, He owns us and has right to tell us how to live and what to do with our lives.

I fought against so much resentment of Him, at first--loathing the very idea of no longer being "sovereign of my own life," while continually being simultaneously confronted with the fact of His authority and sovereignty being true regardless whether I accepted and embraced that truth here and now, or rejected and ignored the reality of His authority over me until a later, coming day when that fact will no longer be avoidable: At which point I would have stood condemned by my own refusal to acknowledge Him as Lord and God of all, prior.

And God's existence and sovereignty, His pre-eminence and omnipotence, His justice and the righteousness of wrath against the refusal to submit to His reign...is Truth, and will be dealt with by us all. That was the point of capitulation, for me. A capitulation which is ultimately unavoidable, for all of us--whether embraced here and now, unto humbling ourselves in submissive surrender to the reality of His pre-eminence, the righteousness of His wrath against our rebellion, unto pleading mercy in Christ, and thereafter seeking Him and His will...or later, we will enter into this reality, unto condemnation and just, eternal judgment.

The fact that Jesus is Lord of all isn't a proposed idea nor ideal, is the point of fact. Nor is His Godhood and sovereignty a relativistic worldview which allows for any and all doctrinal appropriations, as personally preferred, as though individualistic preferences for interpretation of reality stand on equal footing.

The fact that He is God and is sovereign is Truth. He is Truth. And He defines what is True, moreover.

...even as this is evidenced clearly, per study of the specifics of the Gospel of Christ, and even the nature of the Scriptures, including consideration of the comprehensive consistency of the historic record presented within scope of our New Testament and also per analysis of the whole Biblical composition. All holds up as truth, presenting accurate and consistent measure of reality. Truth from God, Himself. His revealed Word holds up against any scrutiny of logic, presenting reality in light of God's self-revelation unto man through the Bible, through Christ, Himself, and portraying the reality also of man's defiance and predicament and need for redemption, forgiveness, reconciliation, and humility before our Creator.

And beyond merely affording mercies untold per forgiveness in Christ, blessed meaning is found in Him, in Christ. As He is the ultimate Truth. The Absolute Truth. Living in accord with His will provides purpose which doesn't change, and is even replete with hope, joy, peace, love, and all things good. This is what we were created for: To serve and worship and enjoy Him. We will not find peace or purpose, truly, apart from this.

Unwavering purpose and peace, in Christ is found. Unquestionable. Unmitigated by circumstances--by the fickleness of self nor society. God is and gives meaning, purpose, fulfillment eternal.

And beyond all purpose, the experience of coming to know Christ, in spirit and truth--as wholly real and ever-present--changed me completely, irrevocably. Even being from the inside-out, thus still being worked out more fully in the physical portion of reality. I have been forgiven and reconciled to God. He loved me and died for me and bore my punishment. 

And so, gladly, I am no longer my own, I have been bought with a price. What once was only an idea became wholly present, unwaveringly real and personal in an instant: Experiencing the truth of the cross--of His suffering the wrath of God deserved for me, for my sins, for my wretchedness...this, despite His absolute goodness, His unwavering love, His complete purity... Wholly precious, He is: wholly Beloved He became, in an instant of such abject realization.

Finding Him wholly precious while simultaneously seeing the absolute wretchedness of my sins destroyed me. No matter how seemingly small, how seemingly benign--yet whatsoever constituting acts of rebellion against a God who is absolutely good and truly loving--each and every smallest of any bit of rebellion against Him was and is an absolute travesty against all which is right and good, especially for being borne by the wholly loving, supremely aware being of Jesus on the cross. He, who willingly sacrificed Himself to death upon that cross--for such purpose as to endure the wrath due those travesties yet against His precious being...enduring the wrath due them, enduring what was due me, as justice?...for sake of allowing me to live under mercy, by grace?...and perhaps you, too, if you can come to know Him. If you will. Seeing it, seeing Him, seeing myself through His eyes, destroyed me and made me cry out for forgiveness and deliverance in a wordless instance of sheer love, devotion, horror, grief, and despair

His love is so enduring, so absolutely mind-shatteringly supreme and consuming--patient and wholly consistent, beyond measure and comprehension...

...that any act against Him--especially sin laid upon Him in such way that He bore guilt of the sin itself as also the wrath justly due from so good a God as He--is wholly abominable...

He, wholly, is instead worthy of abject obedience, even if only for sake of such perfect love as He--so absolutely precious--then made evident and still continues to evidence to each and every one of us. He is worthy of all praise and is due obedience. Unto mortification of self, even, so to cease from what warranted such unimaginable suffering as He endured as to deliver us.

The reality of God coming to live among us--as He did in Christ Jesus, to reconcile us to Himself--is inconceivable, really.

Yet the truth of it's proclaimed throughout history.

And as He is God and He has done this, there's no higher meaning, no higher truth. My search is complete, in Him.

Even as the fact of His eternality--His infinitude of being--means there's an endless wealth of revelation still to be sought, desired, and rejoiced, merely continuing the search for Truth and meaning as it exists in His being and thus merely per course devotion due Him.

Finding the Core of all, then seeking to comprehend His nature--to whatsoever extent is permissible and possible: this is largely the desire which had ever driven life, only now recognized in such a way as has become hopeful, as full of endless potential for progress in being increasingly fully attuned to loving, honoring, and serving One exceedingly and immeasurably higher than myself.

This joy of discipling under Christ--love and peace are wholly constant in continually knowing and experiencing His presence, per having come into a direct relation with Him through His Holy Spirit--is replete with knowing there's no higher call than to seek Him, love Him, and to serve Him:

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness.
And all these things will be added unto you.
Hallelu-hallelujah!"-indeed!

There is nothing else, in comparison. Nothing can or has or could compare! He has changed me, changed my life, and promises to eternally continue to draw me nearer into a loving knowledge and relation with Himself. Such that this place, this blog, will stand as testimony and living testament to His work in my life--ever increasingly understanding Him and His ways, then progressively receiving greater deliverance unto sanctification, and sharing the process in writing as He permits and directs.

Christ is my all, in all.
I once had nothing, and believed it all.
Now Christ is all I have, and I lack nothing.

Thus saith the LORD, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD.

Jeremiah 9:23-24