As Darkness Closes In: Fix Your Eyes Upon the Light of the World

Temptation increasingly abounds to be enrapt with the world's schemes and narratives--selfishness all the more exalted under a guise of righteousness. Death is increasingly a fixation, blatant--anything to avert, just anything to preserve self and those things which self wants. This, as though we have control of life and death. I can tell you from personal experience that even suicide attempts aren't successful unless the Lord allows. Which is not something to be taken lightly. Period. 

I wouldn't generally speak so flagrantly about such wretchedness, but in the noxious cacophony which is standard fare for discourse these days, such searing has occurred that little bears weight. 

Speaking plainly, though prayerfully, is what's seemed best. 

He gives wisdom for each instance, however. 

But if you're here, online, I fear that you may be consumed with much of the current mania, also. 

Sought Out: Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So

So. Everything changes, again, while the Lord remains the same. 

I've embarked upon a return to reverence and greater self-discipline, by grace. So much is still disarray. Realistically, there may always be a very real minimalism to the processes undertaken and endeavored. 

Longing for "great things" and "prestige" and "success" in worldly ways, even under the guise of godliness, is not less idolatrous than doing so as a full-fledged worldling. 

There just really isn't time to go into very much right now, although I do long to write of the Lord's faithfulness in convicting and delivering me, the more freely from this vantage of deeper recognition. Last year's failures were grievous. I know now, better than to think that apart from God's merciful grace in giving strength to endure and choose right, in humbling me to depend upon Him and fear Him increasingly...I would still be lost, and could easily just traipse into any wretchedness. 

He must be the more dear, ever more, continually. Being in circumstances which are rife for faltering are inexcusable--where there is temptation, there needs to be flight. Period. 

And He gives balance there, too, as not to continually be running from everyone and everything, and fleeing every potential stumbling block in advance of even having stepped foot beyond my residence...or otherwise, I'd be dodging even shadows now. 

But I do know there's wisdom in avoiding the semblance of wickedness, even. I've been reminded. And I will submit to the Lord and whatever He wills. 

I was given fair warning of an error in thinking which I hadn't heard of outright before, tonight: One that's been somewhat coloring my thoughts without my awareness, even. All the more grateful for deliverance!

A "Sonship Movement" is going around, which ultimately overemphasizes the reality of our adoption by God the Father, through Christ the Son, to the extent that all personal conviction and endeavor for growth in righteousness, holiness, sactification, by the grace of God working in and through us...is utterly minimized and ultimately discarded. Failure is embraced, instead, as insurmountable...and the focus is again and again shifted to Jesus as propitiation, that "we're sons and so need not be concerned with failure in sinning." By a skewing of perspective, the ideology thus increasingly makes sin acceptable...because Jesus died for it, and we're all accepted and acceptable now, though Him. 

What was it Paul called such things?--worthy of condemnation. To claim by any fashion that we can freely continue in sin, because grace will abound toward us is an abomination, making utter mockery of our dear Lord and the travesty of sin. Sacrilege is not grace So, no...just no. 

Despairing over sin needs to be unto God--pleading His mercy and strength and deliverance. And even so, we are to discipline ourselves, and He does give grace to do so. 

And I fail at this, y'all. My life before Christ was absolute indulgence. So, comparatively...I'm living a life of significant uprightness now. But the reality is there is so much room for growth. 

So, I am praying and have been slowly embarking upon increasingly disciplined living. Because of the desire to honor God out of love for Him, and despairing over the wretchedness of prodigality which remains. Loving Him means despair isn't a passive matter, languishing, but is unto a Savior. Unto and ever pressing on toward the One who overcame, and who put sin to death in His own flesh. 

Don't we know that reality?--that, even as the Father has not withheld His own Son but given Him up, He will not withhold anything else needful for our growth in holiness (and all else which is truly necessary, besides). I mean, seriously? God gave that which is of higher value and worth than anything, to redeem us. He will not withhold whatever we need to overcome sin. It's already been accomplished, after all. So at the outset, I just have to continually plead with Him even to change my heart to want what's right, and to be turned increasingly toward concordant actions. And I pray still for these and for the strength to avail myself of His means of grace in being transformed and renewed. 

He does use means for the application of grace. And in the midst of my wandering, the most difficulty returning has been redevelopment of disciplined practices in undertaking those means. Some of which, thankfully, have remained known as vital to life (suicidality is not a far walk for me, if I were to forsake assembling, for instance--there's something about congregate worship and instruction in the Word which God gives grace through to an extent which is not shared by other means...Youtube sermons and even hours' of private prayer or worship got nothin' on a single full service of congregate worship through prayer, praise, hearing the preaching of the Word, and fellowship with the saints)...

...but being in the Word. I have lacked so sorely the discipline of prior time. That was a major point of capitulation unto temptation--not being continually washed and awash in His Word. I had told folks repeatedly and authentically that the Scriptures are my medicine now, and if I am not daily in God's Word for a certain amount of time...it's notable. Realistically, at least an hour is the minimum time -solely in the Word- needed to truly have baseline wellness. And that's been a long time absent. So, I continue to struggle pretty sorely. 

Praise and prayer and needful too, His means of grace. And fellowship.

Ministering through various means. Like...I have to share the Gospel. If I don't give continual testimony of who Christ is and what He's done--not just solely for me, not just self-referentially...but as revealed in His Word of all of us--things go really weird there, too. 

Which is where being here, in this space, has been so vital at times. Fear of God, love and knowledge of Christ's worthiness, and real terror of what wrath awaits those who refuse to repent...compel. It's just a thing. 

Very prayerfully embarked, ever. 

There's been some very passing contemplation on not despising the day of small things, lately. Which, I need to reread Zechariah. And all the Word. Continually. Always. Again. 

I remembered again today that a friend told me George Mueller used to read the Bible through at least seven times per year. I long to be that familiar with His Word, that steadfastly grounded in God's truth--as spending that much time dwelling in and reviewing and reviewing and being immersed in His Word, unto not just passing recognition of the breadth, but deepening knowledge.

And tonight, heard also of a region where people....common people, who didn't know history or anything technical or advanced...knew the Word so deeply and well that even the obscurely mentioned people in the Text were familiar to them, just as much as a neighbor. And same, of the various locations and events mentioned throughout the Word of God--known so intimately that it was akin to the knowledge of one's neighboring towns and recent experiences. 

I want that. I want to just be able to be so devoted, Lord. What is of greater value? Nothing, but to be steadfast in the knowledge of truth and walking in the light with the Lord. What is a greater joy? Nothing, but to know Our God. What higher purpose could be found? None, really, compared to drawing so near to Him and becoming to filled with the knowledge of Him as to be able to plead all the more cogently and coherently and ardently with all the rest of us--as we all need continual reminder of truth, even those who know Him and love Him (though we have not seem Him...yet). All the more, desiring to plead according to whatever strength and clarity He will afford with those who are yet perishing. Christ is worthy of His portion. And they are running straight into Hell, otherwise. 

And I know it's not just me. I'm nothing. Not even a little thing. Once forsaken, used to be the thought...even as my own earthly father a few years back told me he knew he could do nothing more for me, when I was a teen, and extricated himself from the attempt...

...forsaken...

...but not forever. I deserve death and eternal wrath and hell. Instead, He drew me back out of the hell and death I'd sought in the world--even courting death so many times: through recklessness, suicide attempts (numerous), engaging flagrantly with the demonic, and even entering into death briefly at times, like with the fall from the balcony in 2016...

...that last bit of time living in New Orleans has been on my mind again, recently. I'd gotten out of the bartending scene, but I was still effectively dwelling in the Quarter, "living the life," and I knew my days were numbered. Every day, fear of death was a constant companion, increasingly. I attempted suicide once that summer, just wanting to get it over with and be done with living in the shadow of that fear, that weight, that heavy, noxious, odious, horrid presence which suffuses all and occludes all hope and joy where regards those whose lives are under the reign of sin...

But He drew me out, instead. And drew me to Himself. Step by step. Initially, I remember having a conversation at a bar one day--not long before relocating--with one of my best friends. I was openly lamenting that I had come to realize that going back to be around family would mean having to go and be around church. And it made me feel slightly nauseated to even consider. But I knew it was unavoidable. And resigned myself to it. 

Her parting gift to me stands testament to the nature of that conversation, bearing its mark overtly. 

And I was manipulated into going to church. I'd already settled the matter before being confronted, so I didn't care about the manipulation. It was expected. 

And I remember fearing. I really did think there would be flames or lightning. Or something, just...destruction. For me to dare to darken the halls of a church with my presence. 

Bear in mind, though, I was still open to communing with the regular demon which had been a companion for years, at that point: A mentor of sorts, at times. With that presence being a reality (now rejected and renounced), the severity of what was expected seemed really reasonable. I mean, even the demons know and tremble at the reality of who God is. And that was my companionship, so yeah. I did know fear.  

I was entreated one more time very openly to remain friends with satan, in 2013. Got this huge, heart-rending presentation--attempting to retain my sympathies. But I wasn't interested. It was more of the same of what I'd already seen and known. And moreover, it was revolting. Surprisingly. 

All the more was I particularly disturbed at the "chance encounter" with another unexpected man at a Starbucks, this year. But I trust the Lord.

Anyways. Point being, I'd been entreated. I've been offered anything. Everything I "could want." Carte blanche. But I wasn't interested. There are always strings attached. And as it turns out, I'm not my own anyways, to give allegiance. I'd rather have truth, even were it to kill me. 

'Cause either way it goes, I'd dead already. In so many ways. I was not supposed to be conceived, according to what I've been told. Medical aid wasn't sufficient, is my understanding. And then they prayed. And I ceased breathing and heart stopped when I was perhaps a year old. And, from what I gather, not many years after again. 

And then numerous other brushes with death. The fall from the balcony being the most recent severe instance--during the fall, being confronted with the reality of my inability to decide life or death, and inability to even determine the condition of life: I submitted to God, "whatever Your will," and though the fall killed me and should have done... ...He spared my life. And not just that. I should be a paraplegic, without the ability to care for myself or function. And yet, those "marks" which remain are indelible yet largely invisible to others. All the more, they serve as a continual point of remembrance of my dependence upon Him, now. 

I didn't start crying out to Jesus for salvation until 2010, though. Nearly a year after leaving New Orleans. Upon being lectured by police about the severity of the situation I'd placed myself in, as very easily one which could have been lethal (in that my recent company had already murdered others, according to their information). It was just a wake-up call to the reality that leaving New Orleans hadn't changed the actual problem. 

The actual problem was (and is) me. I'm a sinner. And some sins are unto immediate physical death. 

Fearing for my life again, I started humbling myself to ask for Jesus to help me, have mercy, save me. I asked a long-time friend who was (at that time) a professing Christian to pray with me. He did. And I felt some modicum of relief, but part of that was also in relation to the realization that my circumstances had been so dire that if I didn't do something drastic I was also very likely to lose housing. 

Anyways. This is all far more than intended for the present. 

Long story short, Jesus did deliver me. He had mercy on me. And continues to do so. He spared me, although I was a wretch in all ways. And still am, in so many ways...but not like I used to be. And I want to honor Him more, because I love Him. I love the Lord. And, yes--I know my love is nothing. Compared to His. But it's what I have to offer. My little bit of nothing, even being that which He's given to me...for if He hadn't loved me first, I would despise Him still. All the more then, do I delight to give back to Him that which He had given me. Paltry and insufficient and bare though it be, what I am and what I have is His. And I am blessed to receive, so all the more am I blessed to give...that my prayer then is that He would redouble my return unto me, that I may invest it all the more and bring even that much more to cast, even as pittance, at His blessed feet. And plead and drag any along with me, as I run to Him again and again. 

I know the darkness. Someone in New Orleans once told me there were only really two types of people--darkness and light. And he told me I was light, and I despised Him for it overtly, though I think at the same time...something of hope clung to that possibility, for it to be such a memory. I shared the Gospel with him, last year, with that man. We hadn't corresponded for years. But I had been waiting and praying. And, however the Lord wills. 

But I will plead with the Lord, even pleading with those whom He places me near. For whatever He wills. 

Wherever, to whatever end. There's no reason, ever, to despise the day of small things. God will be glorified in all the earth, and that is our unwavering hope--a hope which is absolute. His Word will be accomplished. And we will rejoice. 

Returning Soon

None of us knows the day when our Lord will return. But He will. In power, for judgment this time.

He said there will be much unrest and deception in the last days. We don't know where we are in that realm, but Paul thought there was some inkling of possibility the time may come while he was walking the earth (like as indicated in 1 Thes. 4:15-17 and other passages in his epistles), stoking believers to be ready that any moment the Lord may return...ought we not be all the more vigilant?

How soon, we don't know. But we do know, from what Peter said, that the judgment of God is revealed first in the church. And even as we bear in ourselves the death of Christ, on and again, then so it is that His resurrection are also continually revealed through us as a walking testament of the truth of the Gospel in Christ.

So, yeah. Continue on. As the just live by faith, then let us know Christ. He has died for us, shall we not live for Him?

Draw us nearer Lord, ever nearer. May we seek Your face. Your face, that is what I will seek.

...

If He allots, I will write here again soon. So many things have shifted. For us all, no? And yet our God is ever faithful, steadfast, immutable. Our hope is secure.

Very Briefly: Seek Christ While He May Be Found

Has the world not gone mad? Have we had any question of this?

Darkness and light are the distinctions which God has denoted. If we seek justice and mercy, then they must be those God gives or we seek self-exaltation only. If we seek that apart from Him, we seek self-gratification.

He is on the throne. He has not abdicated. He will never.

Seek Christ, friends.

I have truly struggled with so many matters recently. We all perhaps have? Or maybe some whom He has kept nearest have not... But...so many have.

And then, to pursue Him once more with all ardency.

We must.

There is salvation in no other. And He will judge us all. Either we will be found in Him, or we will pay what we owe--of wrath earned against us.

Lord, please have mercy on Your people. Draw us near. Lord, draw us near. Sanctify us, for Your name's sake.

Bereavement and Death

Such grief. I'm not going to regard any particulars at this juncture, or at least don't intend to do so.

Today, Ravi has gone home, though. That is one matter. There's something of separation which is indeed so painful. Bereavement, further.

Something very dear, now intangible and beyond interaction. No longer to share in the delight of distinct individual intellect and quirks. No longer to delight in the joy of another's presence, dearly cherished. Nor bear the weight of how magnanimous the Lord's gifts, through the blessed, loving regard of one's beloved companion. The wit, the insights, the wonder of watching hope light the eyes and joy a spark of laughter, shared. Even of griefs shared, no longer to endure alongside. Rather, an empty space where once there was warmth and empathy and thoughtful comment.

The loss of a loved one is devastating. There's a yearning which can never more be sated, by the desire simply to hear unreckoned speech once more, or unanticipated laughter. Never more to call and experience the quickening of contentment to be gladly received and warmly embraced even in speech. No more tomorrows on this earth, together. No more dreams dreamt together, here and now.

Never again on this earth. Only memories. Even if videos--with speech and the wonder of seeing the smile and hearing the voice of one beloved--then still without the warmth of touch and presence. Bereft.

I'm currently confronted with so many things which I just can't do. And especially increasingly faced with the reality that I have serious need for greater involvement with others, for structure and oversight and the exercise of God-ordained discipline. All of which...still scares me, to be honest. But not as it did. I am afraid of abuse. I am afraid of being maliciously oppressed and wounded while in a state of especial weakness. This is what I've known, again and again. So, I've run and hid, in fear.

And in so doing, there's also been quite a dire turning against others, in my own heart. I will submit to those whom the Lord would have me submit to, but not otherwise. There've been far more vicious and insidious and ruthless and outright hateful encounters, lingering and extended over years with intermittent, varying degrees and sporadic intervals of horror. I have tried to die so many times, too, in the wake of so many griefs and of so much despair and such pain and seeming absolute desolation...and yet, God has not permitted death. He has not allowed hope to ever die, in me. He has not allowed my spirit to be utterly crushed, at any instance--no matter that at times, I've been so utterly overwhelmed and completely devastated that I have not had strength to focus will unto be able to regard thought, but to merely breathe until the pain ebbs enough to once more yield room to cry out in wailing despair of all. And yet, not wholly crushed. Though I had wanted it so, so many times.

I hated hope, for so long. To hope was torment. Hope that there would someday be relief, that there would some day be love, that there would some day be comfort, and solidarity, and all so many things else which I likewise didn't have enough knowledge of as unto words so to even voice the yearning for these things...but just a yearning and an undying hope which wouldn't relent, no matter how utterly desolate circumstances ever seemed. I remember particular after a suicide attempt, post-Katrina, coming back around slightly to the point of regaining ability to reflect once more...and being utterly stricken to realize that still, in my heart, was that same yearning which bespoke possibility of such things as were wholly impossible. And I despaired, then. All the more, despaired in the midst of having once more found even death's assumed relief kept far from me...and as I was regaining ability to think, once more, as the weight of grief and despair ebbed off along course of being humbled to recognize my efforts thwarted, too...

...how much more did the weight of irony press in upon me, that even in the midst of having been unable to connect with others to seek or receive help...then, still, those surrounding me and attempting to help me were unaware of the steps I'd taken. And I didn't tell them. I didn't tell any of them. And if they knew, they never told me, either. How ironic, the day after the suicide attempt, I was taken by these same friends to a mental health clinic...and I couldn't much speak, could barely walk...but the doctor gave me a full week's worth of sleeping pills. Just handed them to me, to take home. It was so reminiscent of finding the razor blade still in my wallet upon admission to the hospital, post-attempt, years prior. I'd already tried and failed. And yet was immediately thereafter handed what otherwise would have seemed means to attempt again, though as a medical courtesy.

I didn't. I don't remember much of what did happen. Things were so...closed in. Oppressive. And yet..that yearning, unto hope...tormented me. Unto greater despair, it seemed.

I'm just reminded of that feeling, in the wake of so much bereavement. It's not dissimilar, in ways...

But there's a difference. We don't grieve as those without hope. And even as I'd once grieved while despising the hope within me which I didn't understand, that hope has now has found meaning, rest, and purpose in recognition of Christ's grace toward me...and of the eternal life I have in Him...so too, as we grieve the losses of beloved others--via whatever course, whatever end on this earth--we do so as ones who know rest in God, having found mercy and reconciliation with Him.

And we grieve as those who have hope to stand beside our beloved ones in the heavenlies, hereafter. For we know that Christ is the resurrection and the life, and He has promised to return to for us all. And we will all meet again, eternally to worship Him.

That doesn't take away all the weight of grief, no. There's still sorrow. There's still keen absence, an unyielding ache.

But there's hope. True hope. Knowing that though this life will ever remain bereft of that one most dearly loved, evermore torn asunder...the hereafter won't be so. And if we were in Christ, together, then we will be together in Christ forever. Blessedly whole communion, unmarred by the stain of sin, then.

Makes me yearn for eternity, now. Which is too heavy, and means that too much of what's been revisited and lingered in still requires being brought into subjection to the truth of Christ.

He is that and Him in Whom we live and move and have our being. He did sorrow while He was here. He was rejected, and we counted Him afflicted by God due to the rejection He endured and the sufferings. Yet He is our God. And He endured all these so that by His patient obedience even unto death, death on the cross...His righteousness, perfect, could be accounted to us. Even as He endured the wrath we are due. That we could receive mercy, through Him.

Jesus has been so merciful to me. So many times, I've despaired of life and it's been a matter of pride and self-exaltation--I didn't not want to submit to God, I wanted to rule my own course and determine my own morality, rather than submitting to the reality of created order and design. So, wrapped up in all the grief and fear and pain was the reality that I was exalting my own understanding in direct defiance of God's wisdom and sovereignty over me.

He was merciful, is all. I deserved to enter His eternal wrath, the many times I courted death and sought it and accidentally entered it. I deserved death, hell, and eternal punishment. That was my due.  I had earned it, I still deserve it...the only difference now is that I have come to terms with the reality that I have sinned against a holy, just, righteous, perfect God and I am grieved to have wronged Him. I have humbled myself, by grace, to recognize that I want and need and am designed for submitting to His will and His ways, and I loathe that I ever acted against Him--because He's good, He's worthy of all obedience, and so it's a terrible thing, a horrific course I was on, acting in defiance of Him. I see my wretchedness made apparent in the light of the wonder of His majesty, awesome fearfulness, and glory...and I want nothing more to do with sin, but only to serve Him better.

And so I have turned from the course I was on, by His grace manifest unto me in Christ. And by the grace extended to me in Christ, I have faith in Jesus Christ's full atonement and propitiation and satisfaction of my sin debts--all the wrath due me, the spiritual death I deserve, and the infinite punishment I also deserve, and the shamefulness of all my defiance...all, Jesus took upon Himself and satisfied for me. And I know Him and I completely trust Him for these things.

So that, looking back on those times before...when hope had no rightful home, as I was living in defiance and despising God...I see the mercy God extended to me, even as not allowing me to end my life while I lived in darkness. I was rightfully under His wrath, then, and would have entered eternal wrath. I deserved it (again, I still do...except that Christ has paid my debts and satisfied the wrath and I have asked God's forgiveness, pleaded His mercy, and trust Jesus's all-sufficient grace).

To enter death apart from having repented from sin, apart from having humbled oneself to the reality of God's righteous wrath against us as sinners...seeking His forgiveness, turning from defiance to submit to Him and worship Him in all of life as is our due course...turning to Him through the Son of God, Jesus Christ, and seeking mercy in Him...trusting wholly in Him alone, by faith...

...to enter death apart from resting fully in Christ's redemption is not something to take lightly. And yet we know that God will be glorified in the eternal punishment of those who are under wrath even as He will be glorified in the eternal redemption of those saved by grace through faith. He will be glorified.

All the More, Look Unto Christ

Grateful for the opportunity to speak with people, today. Everything is so weird, to me. And I do want counsel. I want help making decisions. I don't quite know how to go about that in a way which isn't disingenuous, is what I've come to realize and been convicted of this past week. I anticipate weirdness, always, and so tend to control for what's presented. I'm just like my friend in that regard. And it's not intentional, not thought out. The instances where I've noted this has happened recently, one had been a matter of not understanding what was being asked of me (misunderstanding, moreover, and answering what I thought was clearly asked)...and being too ashamed to clarify after the fact. And then, of not knowing how to represent a situation well which I don't understand, myself, so giving as much detail as possible to try to provide context, but then realizing afterward that I'd forgotten some details which seem to be extremely relevant, also.

And then there are things like the situation with my hand/arm. I shouldn't be typing right now, for instance. It's hurting, and I'm doing it anyway, which is basically against doctor's orders. Only, the thing with the doctor's orders not to do stuff if it causes pain was as result of me specifically asking if I shouldn't do things if it hurts, and being told that's a good rule. Or otherwise, I wouldn't have any orders, I'm assuming. So...yeah.

I just don't know what else to do. I fail at all the things, trying to be forthright and open and honest, and then finding that in attempting to be completely so, I end up overextending in ways which I didn't recognize at the time. And I try a lot of the time to go back and correct what I've said, to folks, but then that too...seems a nuisance to others, who have already moved on from trivial conversations as were had. So, I feel triply foolish for having blindly erred, for feeling the need to address it, and then finding doing so to have been inconsequential and actually burdensome/uncomfortable/awkward for others.

So, I just stop. And retreat to silence once more. The whole of the process is not without prayer. Sometimes I'm just really not sure. And sometimes even the deepest extent of having cast myself on Christ unto being guided by Him...being a partial submission as will be the case until sloughing this mortal coil...still is tainted by my own sinful nature of the flesh, as awaiting conformation to His holiness. So, I lament and cry out for aid--for mercy, for deliverance, for more complete guidance.

And I trust Him to guide. Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul, who took on flesh and gave Himself as a ransom for me. The Father indeed has given Him. And Christ Himself died while I was yet His enemy, to save me. All things needful to my salvation will be assuredly provided. And I rest secure in the hope that my entire fate is sealed in His hands, with love.

So, all the sinfulness...I despise in myself. I loathe it, as abhorrent to my Lord, as at fault for His humiliations...

For love of Christ, I hate sin. Yet even there, all I can do is cry out to Him for mercy, for deliverance. And rest in Him, to know He will guide.

I've been particularly lamenting what seems to be a sheer lack of discipline, lately. But it struck me even today that the Lord does establish my steps. And I must press on. If He has given me a longing for more structure, He will yield to provide the strength. But even then...days like today, there's not been a lot of time afforded to utter diversion. If anything, I spend a lot of time in reflection and something of confession and testimony--like as this. And talking with others. Some study of Scripture, some prayer, some discussing doctrine, some polemics, some apologetics, some evangelism. And some survey of what goes on in the world and the lives of others, yeah. Not a huge amount, but still. Some.

There's just a part of me which really longs for something which seems more orderly and structured. And that's just not been a thing. I've failed at it, again and again. My focus is so...splayed. Even now, reading through books...I need to finish them. I've begun multiple, and keep turning to things like this, at present. Which...isn't all bad. But there's something of a lack of balance.

Whatever need be, though.

I will trust the Lord with all this. Whatever need be.

I'm just going to trust Him. Things are crazy. I need wise, Christ-guided counsel on some particular matters which I'm struggling to discern a way forward regarding...but there's a bit of doing to get from where I am right now to even being in position to ask, I think. I'm not even sure. I'm just waiting for peace in the matter, to proceed. This is all like walking through a dark room full of furniture, blindfolded and while experiencing fluctuations of extreme vertigo (lattermost this, used to happen regularly post-TBI)...though being guided by one who sees and who is firmly upright. He has me secure, I know. But all my senses are exhausted from being able to be used.

I have nothing to add to my present trajectory's course, not even ability to significantly comment on the matters at-hand. As, again, whenever I do attempt to comment, I thereafter find that I've overstepped and erred in one direction or another...and don't always respond quickly enough to conviction to be able to correct in that very moment. It's what it is.

How do I get clarity, though? Can I have clarity? Is that a thing?

I just remember an instance in 2016, when I'd first begun independent work at the agency where I was stationed...in the parking garage, completely overwhelmed by the enormous complexity of all the tasks which were going to be required of me (especially given that I was becoming increasingly aware that I didn't even have an inkling what all was going to be required of me--further complication, indeed)...and being stricken with the reality that certain matters which I hadn't known were requirements had been brought to me by others who did not know that I did not know I was supposed to be doing the things (didn't write down those matters, so don't remember precisely what)...making it so that I was informed without having faltered from a duty that I'd just as easily have failed due to having no idea of responsibility (and having it made apparent that no structure existed to inform of such matters, as generally there seemed prevailing notion that everyone knew what everyone needed to know).

...as convoluted as that may sound, it was.

But I was able to reflect on the reality that I'd been prevented from faltering in my responsibilities through no merit nor striving of my own--rather, only per God's grace to me in providentially ordering those interventions. And so in that instant of being all the more utterly stricken with the abject reality of my compete insufficiency to the task at hand...

...which, was known all the more impossible per further reflection upon how impossible it had been to attempt to keep track of and maintain stasis, stock, cleanliness, and all things similarly needful in a 200,000 square foot department store (effectively, turning away from that role was fallout from a moral dilemma with management ideology)...

...if I couldn't keep order of all the matters going on in a 200,000 sq. ft. store, ensuring all ran completely orderly and according to what was necessary...how was I going to be able to manage keeping a strict schedule (entailing making appointments on time for folks across great spans of distance), when multiple miles, unexpected traumas, unforeseeable difficulties, and wholly unknown circumstances were certainties for daily life?

Impossible. I can't control traffic and accidents and people's need for support, nor any of the other impossibilities entailed. And to add to my own impossibilities with regularity by also taking on work from others who needed aid? Completely unmanageable. Impossible.

I micromanage, is the thing. And that's been a thing. Overthinking, some have called it--telling me I was going to lose my mind entirely, if I didn't stop thinking so much, at times. But I have wanted to know and I have wanted to understand. I have wanted to be wise. So, seeking out the end of matters...has been a thing.

And as such, I perceived the complexity and certain uncertainties in great detail, as far as mentally calculating expected odds of various potentialities and counterbalancing against the increasing knowledge of my own ignorance of even what factors would need to be accounted for when planning out a day...

...and it was just all impossible, to me. In that moment, remembrance of Peter walking out on the water came to mind. And Something of how easy it may seem to do such a thing near the shore, where I know that if I take my eyes off the Lord, I'll easily be able to walk in my own strength without the waters being above my head. But to follow Him out above the depths...I was struck with the reality that I would have to trust Him increasingly, and not take my eyes off Him to consider circumstances, but instead...one step at a time, move forward. Just one step at a time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. Trusting Him.

That's still the case. I've failed in so many ways, at so many times. But He's continued to deliver and strengthen and humble and correct me. And I trust Him. Going forward.

So, of my sin...I submit the wretchedness of all I am, as true indeed. God's Word is clear that all have fallen short--I see so clearly how this is so, in myself even still.

Yet as was preached this evening, seeing the reality of our wretchedness and horrific sin-sick natures...means we are qualified for salvation. Jesus came to save sinners. To seek and save that which was lost. To heal the sick, as those who are well have no need of a Physician (or, don't believe they do, at least--merely being blind to reality).

So in all this, I submit to Christ. Grieved and yet rejoicing. I will rest now, and await His guidance.

But again...looking unto Christ..

On Forgiveness & Sharing Widely of That Which He Instructs Individually

Waiting things out, right now. I don't understand what's going on, any more than anyone else does. Though I think there are a lot of pockets where there's belief in understanding what's going on.

I fail and I'm grieved of it, but all I can continually do is go back to the foot of the cross--same as anyone. If I could wholly cease from sin, and be done with the flesh...?

...

I am SO glad the Lord restrains me significantly, at times. Recently, there's been such a rash of emotional fallout that my ability to persist in any given direction--upon any given course as a response or interpretation--has been as solid as jello, and quite as difficult to nail down (no plastic baggy to aid, mind you). Saying one thing, then doing another, again and again (realizing I'd spoken in error, moreover). And, gratefully, at least given grace to be able to slightly withdraw from all communion for a time. And now completely--for a brief time, unto Christ, as He deals with me and prepares me.

This hurts. Like. Hurts. Sometimes more keenly than others, and nothing of thought involved--just a persistent, railing sense of loss and absence. Short of ardent pursuit of the Lord and focus upon Him through fellowship, prayer, witnessing, evangelizing, praise, and such-like activity...this other is fairly consuming, consistently (my hair seems to be falling out en masse, even: why dis?).

Just to be still in the midst of the grief, though, with the Lord?: There's a sweetness, of sorts. As grieving unto Him: turning to Him in heart and thought in the midst of all--loving and trusting Christ, while pleading for aid. In some brief moments, He's yielded certain clarity which...I have struggled with, and struggle with, still.

Was it yesterday? No. The day before, overcome. And in the midst of all, a certain conviction of the absolute knowledge of what need be, of absolute surrender unto forgiveness, open handed. I was and still am aghast. Not of any sort of derision, nor even a spurning of this. But per an abject knowledge of my complete inability to do this, yet wholly confronted and cast into perplexity by the real conviction that the Lord will accomplish this within and through me. Love requires forgiveness.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Whether it receives same (of forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, love, etc.) in kind, or not. It doesn't ask, but gives. It doesn't require, but yields. Love does not seek its own.

So, I've done as was even wholly devastatingly presented, to confess the matter as fully as is possible without divulging those things which are...something else, sacred. Yet even on such count, I fear I didn't manage to maintain wholly and I'm grieved of it...but will trust the Lord with this, too. Matters of confidence, some particular sorts I didn't even hint at--because, no, the recent process wasn't an endeavor to rehash the whole of what was shared and experienced (not at all, but of particular stated intent/s, only). And I marginally wish I could have kept the whole in confidence, but I was absolutely convicted that would have been wrong--dishonorable not to be forthright about concerns, on one hand....unto being deceptive, on one hand; plus, excluding possibility of godly counsel on another, per otherwise lack of communication of concerns as need to be addressed beside others more secure in and rooted in Christ.

But I do wish I hadn't given into any momentary yielding once again to the temptation to view another as oppressor, rather than as a fellow human. I failed in that, wholly--grieved and in pain--and especially wish I had defended as a friend from the outset, rather than so little so late, after the fact.

But I could have said so much more, divulged so much more--not matters regarding that which was needful, of the points of sinfulness, difficulty, and division--nor so much regarding some specific falterings openly discussed along course, yet in confidence, as each confessing to each. But there was the temptation to privately revile and revel in spurning and privately deriding...and I have failed on that count at times, marginally (which is at all, which is wrong). To go along a far course of justifying self per course of undermining other is just wrong. Rather than keeping silence. So, I have a course

I wish I had defended my friend better. Regardless the pain. I wish this matter weren't so grievous, and weren't one...felt in need of such forthright addressing.

I hope he understands none of this was to harm. But just as has been said, pleading truth and right relation. Which, ultimately, is unto reconciliation. Though I did need such aid in being able to concede, also. Needed one to plead his cause with me, back unto the Lord, unto what is right and good and well.

This whole matter of human relation is so...confounding and seems so very messy, to me. And apparently, the closer, the more intimate the relation the more sin is encountered?

I am astounded by all of this. There are things going on which I have nearly no idea of the workings regarding. Even today, it just occurred to me that I need to more fully communicate recent events to an elder who had been a close advisor for a while. Things are so odd.

My perception of matters as they stand is still so different than other folks', it seems. And I think I've offended some people who are dear to me, by being forthright about circumstances. But the thing is...ultimately...we each are beholden to God, and even as He's brought me to realize (increasingly though falteringly so), what matters isn't quite what's allotted, but the appreciation for His sovereign providence having done so. So, whether in want or excess, there's praise. Whether in pain or luxury. Whether in isolation or community.

And...I am sorry that my struggling with these things has possibly hurt some. I don't know that it has.

There's no...requirement for matters to be well on the whole, is the thing. And...

...is it because I felt so secure? Is it because of how immediate the connection was, and how...I just don't even have a word for this.. Perhaps because the extent of intimacy was so much more. Or just...maybe just because it's him. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that the Lord has called me to love my brother well, as a brother for whom He also died. And even as I've been extended so much grace, even so very recently. Then, too, I want to extend such grace and mercy to him.

He doesn't owe me anything. He didn't have to apologize at all, and yet he did do in some sense. Even now, there are so many strange yearnings in my heart, over all this. But they will be continually submitted to Christ. I just miss him. Whatever all the rest of this is, that is the sum.

And yet, the Lord gives and He takes away.

What's so weird about this all, still...as unexpectedly extended and encompassing as this grief is...yes, the peace of Christ, the love of Christ runs deeper still.

And I wonder...how long before this too, fades. Surely it will. Surely it must, same as all the rest had. It's not as though there haven't been other losses. Embarking upon this course, at the beginning of March, I had told my friend Grace something of the nature that apparently heartbreak was my new hobby--and seeming enough so to go pro. I counted that cost, knowing it a real possibility (being all I've known, when it comes to men--always a reasonable assumption). And well enough, trusting the Lord's will would be done.

So be it, then. However You will, Lord. That has been the prayer, both individually and jointly, from the outset of matters--even praying together in such accord. Trusting You with the whole. And it has been a precious time of fellowship to me, which perhaps...perhaps that is what smarts so keenly: to have approached the throne of grace so continually with another, even daily at least magnifying the Lord in conversation, near daily praying, and often reading or contemplating the Word together. And even evangelizing together. These things...these are what I miss most. A partner in these matters.

Spurring me on, even again and again used of God to convict me of lifelong sin. Unto repentance of matters which have been sorely deeply hidden in the darkest crevices of my heart, of trauma and long-standing pain.

May my liberation as such be unto the liberation of others too, then. Even as sought, thus far, sharing of the recognition of long-standing evasiveness and demonization of other blessed brethren, according to my own fear and traumas. Same as temptation is unto with all alongside whom any pain is experienced, yet wrong always. Always wrong.

I still have such a temptation and inclination to write others wholly off, where there's any disunity. I need instruction in this. Sorely.

But of the other. I don't know that any will wander here. However God gives. Even as email which really...actually...isn't checked...does occur when needful, unto the Lord--by whatever means He ordained. Then so, of this, too.

One of the matters most concerning regarding all the pangs of the past few years has been of the ones beside whom exceeding griefs were walked through, up to a point given. Now, unto God (though always so, really). He has led to sharing and perhaps has led to reception regarding matters which are parallel.

All the more so, now, in ways of which I was made aware Tuesday. And so.

As minor as my own grief is, in comparison to that of so many...even like of those who would have been married for decades? How much the grief, there, of separation? And I know one, even yesterday, whose wife of many decades passed. His grief...I can't fathom the expanses of, but can known enough now to grief from afar with him while pleading with the Lord on his behalf, for comfort. So, that too, I solemnly rejoice to accompany.

Even as these others.

I don't know the way forward. Not the steps, at least. But Christ is the Way. That...I do know. So, I just beg you all would bear with me a bit longer in my excessive verbosity and the public nature of my reflections. I will likely restrict the audience which may receive, further. As to be respectful of my friend, toward those who do not know the depths of matters, toward those who would be ill-disposed toward a fellow Saint in any capacity merely due to an overarching reflection upon pains experienced alongside and in the wake of knowing.

We are all born in sin, though. I have no place to cast judgment, though I do forget that at times. But I don't. I don't have that room--the Word of God judges all of us, though it's my place as much as the next person to submit in such things. And to strive by the grace of God working in me, through His Spirit alive in me, to submit to what is taught therein. As going to my brethren when I have aught against them, pleading unto reconciliation, and when failing to find accord solitarily taking another with (which...fortunately or not, all those whom I know on a closer basis at this juncture--apart from those who live elsewhere or aren't mutually known--are elders...so step two is step three). And the going also, while knowing my own proclivity to be drawn into sin, to plead to turn and return to Christ. Which...had I not had aid in that matter, moreover, as an elder providing counsel and many praying along the course...I was certain to fall, on the far end of having so done.

But instead, the Lord has convicted of the need to clear accounts and tally what has been the case of reconciliation as fully well. To whatever end. That nothing of further difficulty would be encountered, from my end. To lay it down.

I can't still bring myself to openly regard some of the particular matters of possible, later grief through which I may be called to walk in this. But even those, I've been required to submit in...trusting God will help me to love, even there, and not to seek my own, but to rejoice with those who rejoice, though I may grieve all the more.

I will trust Christ in this. I can't navigate this terrain. It's too dark, too steep, too sharp, too perilous, too uncertain, and too far beyond my any ability to even embark--and yet, He had led me to embark when He called me. Even now, to continue is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, remembering Him and that He endured suffering and the shame of the cross and the torments of mockery and rejection and all reviling and the tortures and death, spurning all these for the joy set before Him. So, likewise, He will aid me in enduring my paltry trials. Though they kill me, there are nothing compared to what He endured. Though I may be maimed, still this is nothing compared to brethren who are butchered for their faith around the world, still. Each to each, He yields. And to each, a cross to carry.

This is mine, for now.

And I still plead for the reconciliation of friends, a family. I still yearn for this, for their sakes, for their souls' sakes, for all which is good unto God. But knowing certain impossibility. But God...

So, I have no idea. Of any of the things. Except to know I can't do any of what's presently on the docket. Not at all. But He can. And I trust Him to walk me through this one step at a time.

I have two more bits of writing to complete, which I'm aware of thus far. One has been begun, already, the other became apparent as necessity over the course of this writing. To further repent and testify, where the need stands. I have to correct that which I have spoken in error, amongst those (thankfully few!) with whom I had so done. And I need to (again--quasi-)publicly acknowledge both the severity of grief, in pains, and the utter necessity of forgiveness. A forgiveness which Christ alone can wield and yield and make manifest.

I keep being reminded of Corrie Ten Boom's situation with the Nazi soldier who wanted to shake her hand, asking her forgiveness (though he wasn't personally one of her tormenters)...and how she initially reviled and rebelled against even the thought, seeming to despise the very idea of forgiving such atrocities as were committed regardless the man had come to know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of all...

...but that she submitted to the Lord and acted upon that, and from what I have been told, when she conceded and took the man's hand, her forgiveness became true and she was flooded with love for him as a brother in Christ.

Something like that, though I may have the details a bit odd as I've never read the direct account, myself, but only been told it a couple times over recent years...and it keeps returning to mind, lately (because, Yes.).

Forgiveness changes us. Yet so does its withholding.

If my failures and griefs are allowed to be used in any capacity that the Lord will aid others, along course, then I praise Him for such mercy as to use such an unfit vessel to any of His glory. And yet, His Word promises such things are true. So, I submit to Him in all this, trusting that even mire direst and darkest hours...He will indeed redeem, to His glory, even entailing my sanctification.

Prayer for Fellowship

Today was my first experience street preaching. Not at any length, at all. But reading from the Word of God, sharing the Gospel of Christ, and exhorting people to repent. Using a small speaker-thing. At an abortion clinic, which means there was also exhortation to let the children live.

The significance of this is...I just don't even know. I had longed, absolutely and utterly longed to preach on the streets, shortly after coming to Christ.

And quite frankly, I still feel really conflicted about that, given I'm female. I can't pastor, as Christ is the head of the church, the husband the head of the house, and thus eldership for the local church bodies is also intended to align as being male, representative or ordained order and the authority of God.

I'll be praying about this. But it was something that was given, today. And by one of the elders of the church with which I was participating in the ministry.

Oh, Lord...have mercy.

There are so many things right now which are so utterly and completely beyond my understanding. Not the least of which is the continued desire for marriage, as submitted to God. This is just weird to me--sincerely, openly wanting something while acknowledging I have no control over fulfillment whatsoever, in context of accepting that as being...truly, actually, somehow okay? Like, this isn't a driving force? There's not desperation? There's not a sense of lack, even? Just desiring and accepting? And, further,  the presence of this desire doesn't distract from or detract from my walk with Christ: Rather, there's actually an echo in this, to the longing for Christ, Himself...effectively reminding me of my deeper longing for Him, and turning unto Him?

Y'all, dis crazy.

I mean, I could poke at this and prod at it all the more again and become unsettled and unrested, turning away from the Lord and unto my own understanding once more, or some other turn likewise.

But I've got enough productive, good, godly things to keep me occupied right now--I don't feel inclined toward creating drama, needlessly, just for the sake of further plumbing depths of my own wretchedness. Perish the thought.

That's just what a lot ends up equating to, unfortunately--either I stay busy in the Lord, or I stay busy unto sin. I'm not really someone who has capacity for middle ground in that realm (does anyone, really?). And I'm far more sinful than I know. Christ is also far more sufficient and powerful than I recognize.

Someday, though, I'll see Him as He is. And I'll be like Him at that point--as to be able to see Him as He is. That's inconceivably merciful. He will be glorified through even me.

Going to have to sleep momentarily.

Communicated exceedingly briefly with my Bangledeshi missionary person, today, for the first time in probably a year. Been praying, though.

And weirdness with some family is such that I'm waiting in prayer for the next step further. Things now, even, are so much different than a year ago on that front. SO much different. The communication which has recently taken place was not even remotely a possibility a year ago.

Going to keep praying, waiting upon the Lord, and acting as He gives grace to do so. Don't count it slowness, please. He's been doing necessary work in all parties concerned, over the intervening intervals.

I'm really hoping to have friends again, soon. People to hang out with, again. I don't understand why I haven't "clicked" with people where I've been attending church. I just know that I haven't. And I've tried. And they've tried. And it's just been...weird. Not bad. But...just not connecting. Like I have other interests. They have other interests. Or, I don't even know. Maybe the whole of the problem is me? It was where I was last attending.

I miss their fellowship. I miss the friends I had. I wish I'd been able to better endure. I wish I'd been able to set aside my griefs. So many things. There were friendships. I was a part of community.

Maybe I am now, too, and it's just odd feeling? I really don't know. I am going to keep asking for guidance.

Momentary Reflection, Partial

The hand. The arm, rather. A needle stuck in, mid-arm, puncturing a nerve. Twice struck, but the first time utterly direct. And such pain.

Sometimes, after the fact, it seems possible to look back and interpret signs. My right hand was stricken, reduced. Constant pain, wearying. I was limited.

How representative was this, in actual truth, of the reality that I had been increasingly forsaking to acknowledge God in all my ways? Though in one specific circumstance, only, truly...but still, increasingly turning to my own understanding and reinterpreting all which passed as somehow being within purview of God's will...apart from the Word, apart from prayer.

In a certain light, retrospectively, it can look to me now as though God allowed the enemy to attack and maim. He permitted me to be stricken. And in the midst of being felled, He allowed me to falter. He permitted me to give over to what was evil. Only to ultimately convict me of the reality of my wretchedness, all the more clearly, that I would be humbled all the more from perceiving myself as strong, perceiving myself as pure, perceiving myself as above others. Or even as below others, in terms of viewing my sins as more grievous. That I would see and know all the more clearly that my strength is in Christ, alone, He let my strength be removed.

The vital need for communion with Him and direction from Him and acknowledging Him increasingly and always in my ways...was forsaken, for a time, and I was desolate and bereft and utterly lost in darkness apart from still clinging to a shred of hope in the reality of Christ as redeemer, and committing to the sure knowledge that He could deliver, despite my asking for what was not His will. And pleading, even.

I am disgusted with the sin, now, and humbled by the deeper realization of my position of truly depending on God for all things--including for my walk with Him, and especially the security of my being fixed upon Him.

There's a slight echo of that, now, in having my strength once more felled, physically. My right arm is in constant pain and grown weak. My hand becomes less agile as the days pass, under strain of continued use. And yet I proclaim Him, I profess Him, and I continue on...even as a point of strength has been taken from me, external. I am otherwise bereft, also, and yet now...I am humbled unto God, in all this.

And He is giving strength. For He is my strength. And I will trust Him and endure howsoever He leads. Open hands, with that which was unto strength being kept, withdrawn as only unto Christ. And I cannot endure, I cannot bear. I become weaker and weaker. But He has, and He will. And His strength toward me increases. All the sweeter now, His fellowship.

Whatever comes or goes, I will trust Him--the One who loved me and gave His life for me. Do likewise.

How Sweet It Is

After today, I am going to have to stop using my right hand for non-necessities. Which includes typing. I can text one-handed, if slowly. But these lengthy posts, definitely not. And for that matter, being on Facebook in general would be a place not needed. I want to hone my focus on the Lord and seek Him more ardently, in the time that's been allotted to that end.

And part of that is through diligent study. Part, through ministry/fellowship. And prayer.

Being online, distractions are rife. Far too easy to waste time staring at marginally informative, marginally edifying materials in rapid sequence, rather than honing focus by pursuing matters which are truly, personally needful unto growth in Christ and understanding of Him. I want to be more intentional. I want to make better use of my time. And my finances.

We'll see. For now, I need to make a phone call. I may write here again briefly later, or possibly on Facebook (maybe no, enough mess there, enough distance enforced).

My chipmunk friend and a rabbit are near, now. The squirrel isn't. Perhaps due to the rain.

The Lord was so kind today, of time with other saints. And my heart is warmed to them in a way which it hadn't fully been before, to see and appreciate who each is as a brother and sister in Christ. So joyful it is, indeed, when the brethren get along. My heart is full, with this. Even still grieved, I am so full of gratitude and joy--thanksgiving unto the Lord for fellowship, beloved brethren and sisters whom I spurned the company of for so long, wrongly, to my own detriment. I was not in a place where I could be at liberty to interact. I'm grateful the Lord has humbled me and healed me to be able to love.

Whatever's Next

I am super struggling, right now. Have to keep taking things back to the Lord. As even my protests and requests for prayer at this point are rife with pain edging toward bitterness, which grieves me all the more.

The Lord knows my needs. Intimately. Better than I ever will. And He tends to them. Better than I ever could.

I'm scared. And I hurt, in so many ways. And I don't understand. And I am desperate not to dishonor the Lord again, and that scares me absolutely more than anything and hurts more than any of the rest. And that's the hardest part of recent changes, having been given and then deprived of a source of continual edification and exhortation unto Christ, and care besides.

But the return from that, at least, seems to be repentance on a deeper level than I'd had any inkling was coming, in directions which I have yet to truly begin to realize the extents. Many others taking the place of the one, even. Which, is better.

I know this.

There's a temptation to bemoan the recognition, now, that were I not so dreadfully solitary, recent developments with the fellow who was pursuing me may not have terminated as they did. Were I more socially connected, there wouldn't have been availability of all hours of the day and night. Were I more accountable to more people in life, surely someone would have indicated how unwise it was to proceed so heedless of restraint (well, the Lord did indicate as much, but I opted to continue anyway...because I fail).

So, he's away now. I'm not even sure if we can actually be friends. I would like that, but I just feel like it's an imposition at this point, since I'm no longer viewed as a potential candidate for pursuit and he's moved on to seek out and pursue others. I hope just being disqualified as a romantic partner doesn't disqualify from a desire for friendship, but it might. My presence might be repugnant at this point. Which...makes me sad to consider as a realistic possibility, especially in context of how much the opposite was true just a couple weeks ago.

I don't want to be a nuisance or a burden, if that's the case, being present. But at this juncture, I need more people in my life, and there are no other spaces or avenues I know of to pursue. I wouldn't have even considered this one, had he not been so adamant..which is what's so absolutely ironic about the whole.

I was convicted of my sin of hardheartedness and else, against prior place of worship and brothers and sisters there, through interaction with this one. And entreated again and again to come, as part of being pursuit unto marriage. And I dug my heels in, against the idea of it. Until past the point of reason, and now...it's too late, with him. But in the wake, I've been humbled to the reality of my sin. And in the wake, I've realized something of the depth of the wrong I've done against folks who were once...and realistically still are...dear to me. And I have embarked upon a course of reconciliation. And have thus far been embraced, forgiven, welcomed.

And I need this, like I need air. I don't want to be so alone.

I don't know what else to do. The alternative I'd been presented with in February was to join small groups at other churches. Which...I looked into, and have been praying about. I started attending an evening service at another church, was invited to a singles group. And I'm going to keep attending the church and will go to group events when possible. Last one I was invited to...was a movie. And I would have even gone, if I hadn't been so ill with a respiratory infection.

This other place, my former church...there are more folks at my stage in life even than at the place I just had begun attending. More ministry opportunities, more continually. And social groupings, too. More than where I currently attend, though the place is larger. I just...I'm not a take-charge sort of person. If I lead, it's through serving. And through prayer--I had been so desirous of so many of the sorts of ministry opportunities which are now a part of normal operations at this place I've been asked to return, by the new friend.

I wish things hadn't gone as they did. I wish I'd had better boundaries. I wish I'd been more restrained in the amount of time allotted. But it was such a joy being in fellowship unto Christ, so much. And such a joy having someone to talk with, so much, to communicate with--rather than it primarily being me and the Lord, alone.

I do enjoy being with the Lord, alone. In my little (luxurious) cave on the mountain. But someone once told me that you have to come down from the mountain to serve. And I hope to meet with her again, sometime soon. I keep gravitating to caves on mountains, though the actual isolation is a snare to me.

Which is sin. I just...Lord, You know. There've been seasons of joyful isolation unto You. Seasons where I would have no other companion, at all. And delighted in Your fellowship solely and wanted only to ever and always be alone with You. Reveling in the truth and love of Christ--who He is, what He's done, and learning of Him. But I do feel an impulse to connect, now. Lord, You've healed so much in me which was utterly shattered. You've knit me back together in love, a vessel fit for wrath recast as one to bear forth Your glory to the world, incomprehensible that the Gospel would be unto me and through me to be passed. You've crushed me, to rework me.

I am so sorry for all this, Lord. All this brokenness. And my wretchedness. I am such a mess. And I'm not fit for marriage, either. I know this. I still need to heal a bit more. I need not to rush in, headlong, to interaction. I am afraid to get to know people, but I will trust You with my heart and to guard it. And help me not be a nuisance or a burden to my friend, Father. I've wreaked so much havoc.

I will wait, and will press on unto Christ. And I will grieve so many things, not least of which are the dreams which my own sin-stained hands have shattered so recklessly and heedlessly, on impulse. And all of it is in Your hands, Father. I have not done as much damage as I could do, but I've done so much. And I don't know how to stop. I feel as though even trying to be amenable and agreeable as part of establishing a new norm of some sort, wanting to continue interaction on a different level...has still been damaging. But I don't know. I have no way to know, apart from being told. And that door...I don't think it's open. I've tried today to ask, but too late. If I'd messaged yesterday, that wouldn't have been any better.

The airing of my dilemma regarding marriage, though...? It's what it is. One of my mentors questions the wisdom of having written in such a way as to make myself sound utterly impossible. But the thing is, I feel as though interaction has proven so much of its own. But maybe even writing as such...says another thing, if even it's been perused. Who knows. I certainly don't.

But I keep vacillating--between committing the course of marriage entirely to the Lord, and still holding it up as a desire. Maybe really the middle ground is the way through, always. I do desire marriage, and I believe it may be in His will for me...but maybe I should just continue to present my heart to the Lord, openly entirely. He knows my desire. And I've asked Him again and again, to prepare me.

The things I know I need to do, I am undertaking. And those matters which He has yet to work though, some I am aware of as upcoming. But I don't know.

To Arms

I'm going to write despite the pain. Until I'm told not to or I lose the ability. My doctor believes the nerve will completely heal eventually

Today was a very small step forward. I do indeed need to rejoice in what Christ has done for me, setting all else aside. Just Him.

Things are...interesting.

I've been reflecting on conversations with a girl met in Tennessee, recently. In December, 2015. Having a crisis of faith, she pulled off the road and put on her emergency lights (hazards, I know). I went back to talk with her until, maybe it was 3am?

She was having a horrible time adjusting to the shock of returning to Western culture. She had been following the Lord on the West Coast, traveling with her dog (a huge German shepherd she'd gotten in Germany) through the forests and finding tribal people in the areas of...I'm assuming Northern California, or somewhere thereabouts or further north...and sharing the Gospel of Christ with them. And she was recounting with longing and a great deal of despair how wonderful and keen a joy it was to have to depend abjectly upon the Lord, every single day, for every single thing--for food, for direction, for interaction. For everything needful.

And then, He led her back to society. To care for her ailing mother. And she was becoming involved in work again, as a busser at a restaurant. And she felt as though her life had lost absolutely all meaning, as though everything was suddenly at an absolute standstill and there were no longer any moments of utmost sweetness in the throes of abject dependence upon the Lord for everything.

Most conversations are indirect, as goes picking apart a situation, unveiling and exploring what's at stake. But the extent of her despair evidenced how great was her need still, to cast all upon Christ and depend upon Him with every bit as much a cry for deliverance and provision as in the wilderness, elsewhere. The notion of having everything handed over easily in one's work is so beguiling, though. The idea of having no needs lacking, so false.

Our needs are greater than food and shelter. If we aren't rich toward God, we have nothing which will aid us regarding our most fundamental requirement for life. And there's always the need for guidance and discernment of speech.

A friend was with me, and I admit that bits of the conversation were definitely beyond the scope of what's commonly accepted as normal, and definitely unsettling for her. Same, of the offer to pray for deliverance from anxiety. But...such is as it was, and I've been learning greater grace and tact from the Lord, over time. I've had to learn how to follow more closely and depend more completely, same as we all do.

That's been on my mind a lot lately, though.

There've been times when I have been sorely tempted to (again) get rid of everything I own, to go homeless and share the Gospel. I've researched viable means of supporting myself and surviving the lifestyle. And I've asked the Lord about it again and again, asking Him to let me go.

But it's not really where my heart is, where I feel called, I think. If ever that changes, He'll guide me. But I don't foresee that being so.

Similarly, I had dealt with a deep desire to go to Israel, shortly after coming to the Lord--to go and plead with God's chosen nation. I still yearn to see them come to Him. To know their Messiah, our God.

I met a Jewish man at recent work, and was at least briefly able to tell him that was so. My God is His Messiah, I told him. He didn't respond to that, but later made some brief commentary, joking about churches, evidencing something of his knowledge of evangelical Protestantism. I will pray for him.

Point being, I don't have to go to Israel to plead with them. Whomever He sends me to, wherever. And I will trust for the grace to have boldness and clarity, bit by bit.

He did allow me to plead the Gospel with the folks at work who spoke with me most. And I prayed for that of others, too, but it was only a couple. But still. And a gift, to serve them all and pray for them while there. The Lord's will be done, each to each.

I can't continue there because of the damage to my arm. I will probably have to stop typing for a while. Or at least minimizing, severely. In order to be able to work again, and not to lose further function.

One of my dearest friends and I were blessed to read and very briefly study Revelation a few days ago, via FaceTime, and she made a comment about us going to Jerusalem together, to witness and evangelize. And I did initially jump at the idea, but the more I think on it...the more sorrowful I am, realizing that's not where I feel called to go. And maybe the Lord will change that, too--I really don't know.

But of the way it's been, and the way I am driven, I desire to share the Gospel with those who are here, in my country. To the poor, the rejected, the broken, the downcast, those who are addicted and desperate (as I once was), and those who know nothing of love or truth in the world. To the marginalized and the poor. And to all others whom the Lord allows me speech with, of these matters.

My home country seems very much to be my field. My burden is for souls here. And not to be in academic or scholarly, nor even any other sort of Christian employ. He keeps calling me to work among the masses of the world. And sometimes...I go to churches, too. I used to visit a lot of churches, by myself. And would usually speak with the pastors.

I still pray for them, as they come to mind.

And He's given me an odd connection to ministry with children, too, despite my fearfulness and feelings of abject inadequacy--I wasn't raised in a way to know how to care for children. I have seen myself as completely unfit, especially given the darkness I walked in for so many years. The innocence of children is so utterly precious to me, and I don't want to mar that by even my presence. But I've been assured and reassured time and again that I do well, very well with children. I just pray and trust the Lord continually to guide and to help me lovingly care for those near me. Despite my disinclination, He's had me help with toddlers and kindergarteners, and high school children. Consistently, these past few years.

So, now it's been brought to my attention again that I could substitute teach. I'd been told as much, perhaps it was in 2016. I considered it, but didn't pursue. But now, it's actually viable--the girl who got me into the recent contract position (which I can no longer do) is in the school system.

Then, this may be the course. I have always felt wholly inadequate to guide children. I love them dearly, but I just have no idea what I'm doing. Yet, despite that, I led a children's group for the Salvation Army weekly for a couple years, 2009 through 2012 (I think it was that long), and helped twice with an annual United Nations high school conference, leading a classroom independently at least once. And I've co-taught a full year of kindergarten Sunday school, and have been proctoring the SAT at the local high school for over two years now.

I'm not sure how it happened that the Lord got me to do these things, without my awareness of what I've been doing. Without me realizing this has been a consistent development and process in my life. But He has been.

And now maybe into teaching. I've prayed about that time and again, in spite of myself. We'll see how He leads.

Inner city teaching?

Or poverty stricken rural areas?

Or both, by turns--I don't know.

But I do know He has works for me which He has ordained for me to walk in. And I've railed against Him at times, over this particular matter--that of any and all things He could ever ask me to do, He could not have me work with children, as I am just utterly unprepared and completely inept, and unfit. Just wholly unfit. As for marriage, also, which I recently committed to Him...that He would make me a good wife, prepare me to be a good wife. Because I don't know how. And I'm ill-equipped. Not that it's necessarily even a matter that He'll give. But...I want more than anything to do well, in such a role. To honor the Lord and my husband. To love the Lord well, above all, and to love my husband well, as the Lord would give. If ever He does.

And again, I know that if He doesn't ever allot that, if He never gives me away in marriage to one of earth, then He knows what's best for me. And I am grateful that He doesn't listen to me, when I plead for things which would not be His will.

This, of teaching though...I don't know. It seems fairly viable a course.

There's great need. And it's not hugely financially rewarding, so from what I understand fewer and fewer folks enter in. Besides which, it's a firestorm, bureaucratically. Of all the places in general society right now which present the greatest and most dangerous a minefield (regarding livelihood and tenure, as it were)...that is certainly in the top few. Public schooling. All manner of ungodliness has been unleashed, and the children are enduring an onslaught of horrors. God has been forbidden entry, while every demonic teaching is increasingly being implemented and set forth as reasonable from even the very youngest age.

They need defenders. They need intercessors. They need ambassadors of Christ who are willing to enter into the fray and walk solemnly, humbly with God while interceding in prayer and service and unto the sharing of the Gospel in any way possible, as led by God, Himself.

Working in another public, yet not-for-profit sector which similarly defies God while exalting demonic doctrine for three years...was a foretaste, if it is the course God would have me tread. But at least with this prior job, there were specific provisions which made it so that I could share more boldly than possible with children present.

Who knows. However God leads, then He will have to lead.

This is my mission field, though. My home country. These are the ones for whom He has given me the burden, to reach, and with whom to plead the Gospel.

More than anything, though, there is prayer.

Don't take for granted that wherever you are, there's a great need to submit all things to God for guidance. The people you walk beside today, if you walk...the people you see outside your window...the others in the market or at the corner...do they know Christ as their Lord? Are they living in defiance of God? Will they enter into judgment without having humbled themselves in repentance, casting all upon Christ for mercy?

And I do believe in election. I see it in Scripture. Yet, He calls us to make disciples. Not to assume we know who is who. God has created and He sustains all. He makes it to shine on the just and the unjust, and to rain on the evil and the good. He calls us to this sort of perfection, too--not to be hardhearted, but to plead with all, while He lets the tares and wheat grow together.

We have the Gospel. We know the truth of God's wrath, righteous and just against a sinful, corrupt created people...and also of His redemption in Christ, son of God, who died for us. We see the wrath to come for those whom we walk amongst. He has given us eyes to see this, that we turned from it ourselves and have trusted wholly in Christ. If we see others perishing as we once were, do we not have a debt as those with sight, to plead with the blind that they would avoid the pit?

You judge the matter, yourself, from the Word, from Christ's words and life and work, and from the revelation of God in the Gospel. Wherever you are. Pray that He will give you opportunity to compassionately, clearly begin to plead truth with those around you. Pray that He will lead you in how to do so. We see so many different ways which Paul presented the Gospel, to different audiences. And even going back so many times, to teach and preach. We need be led, too, and given wisdom for our speech also. That we wouldn't cast pearls before swine, but would ask the God of sight and hearing to open eyes and ears to hear truth, and even if we would speak in parables until that moment when He allots for a full disclosure...then always praying and pleading that He will present that opportunity and the boldness to do so, fully, in that moment. While entreating them all the while, as God entreated us...pleading reconciliation, by all means and any means--and for myself, there were so many means He used.

Pray for wisdom. Pray for a desire to do these things. And pray for me too, on all these counts.

We need not slumber, just because matters around us seem secure. Rather, all the more call to be alert and awake, since our circumstances induce a sort of sleepiness, dreaminess, a sense of false comfort and false peace--saying "Peace, peace!," when there is none. Reject what is false, cling to what is true, indeed. Cling to Christ, and Him crucified for us. Now living, ever reigning and interceding.

Let us be about our God and Father's business, then, shall we?

Idolatry of Man and Marriage

Things are super weird, everywhere right now.

I've been increasingly convicted to just absolutely let go of the hope/desire/longing for marriage. To surrender it all the more fully to the Lord. At this precise moment, the conviction is strong enough that I'm not despairing unto clinging...finding it possible to endure pain with gratitude and rejoicing unto God.

What gets me, though, is there's an undercurrent, nearly subconscious, which wants to continue to privately (i.e., apart from submitting to God's will) hold onto the desire for marriage, under premise that...unless I maintain and continue to privately retain this desire, it won't come into being as fulfilled. As though God can't be trusted to do what's right.

That constitutes a revelation of all sorts of weirdness in my heart.

Will further delve momentarily.

An alternate current has to do with the notion that ...oh, it's slipped from me again--I didn't let go the former idea quickly enough.

So, I suppose to go with the other for a moment longer.

There's this idea that's not uncommon amongst the masses of the world, whereby if we want something then we have to remain focused on it, as part of pursuit, in order for it to come to fruition. As though, unless a person is consciously aware of an intended action or desire, somehow things will not come into bearing, unto fulfillment of "need." As though, for instance, my ability to obtain work rested not in the taking of steps toward it and the favor of God per being hired...but in the strength of my desire for that job. The underlying assumption is always that we are the ones who best understand ourselves and those things which are good for us, which is short-sighted and entirely selfish--not God-honoring at all.

There are occult practices (including new age) wholly focused upon honing will along such lines as to manifest into the tangible what is desirable, at the extreme end of this line of reasoning.

But the reality is, my desire for work, for a husband, for a family--for whatever else...doesn't determine the appropriation of these, from the Lord. No matter what my thoughts are on recent developments, it's the Lord's will which matters. And He doesn't owe me anything (this is not in contradiction to the reality that we know all things fundamentally necessary will be added unto us, as we seek His kingdom--in context of all Paul said regarding being able to accomplish all things through Christ, and of Psalmists' remarks about never seeing the righteous utterly forsaken...all, in context of His will and wisdom being unsearchable and unfathomable, and His thoughts unlike our thoughts). However, the fact of the matter is, I don't actually know what's truly necessary for my health, healing, well-being in the Lord, and spiritual growth--not even remotely aware, apart from God's faithful guidance, provision, and revelation the matters. As in truth, I know I only barely, partially recognize the graces worked through His providence in even the most blatant blessings--and even then, only as He allows me the insight.

Period.

A study of Jeremiah with Larry Crabb last night discussed the reality of some of the pitfalls which can be fallen into, regarding wrong regards toward the Lord:

We hurt and struggle and can begin to think of Him as merely a helpful God, thus beginning to expect comforts from Him. With my present pain and the inhibited use of my right hand, the temptation on this front could be to think that just because I know He's the Great Physician and the God of all comforts...that this would somehow mean that He must give me healing, must allow this to fully heal. He may, but He may not, too. And He's no less good for it, either way. And He's used it already to remind me that all my strength is from Him

Another angle Crabb discussed was that we may selfishly view God as a Father who will give us whatever gifts we deem necessary, being desirable. This is the angle which most convicted me, regarding my desire for marriage and the perception that matters had been so seemingly optimal with recent friend: "It all seems utterly well, so let me have this!"

That's not how things work. And to confess the wretchedness of my heart a bit further, I had been harboring ill in my heart toward the Lord, which He began blatantly convicting me of in February:
I continued crying out for companionship, for marriage, for someone to walk with as to draw nearer the Lord alongside, as not to be so horribly solitary and as to have solidarity in faith with someone who TRULY prospered my spiritual walk with Christ (there've been MANY I've briefly been alongside whose walks were so utterly different than mine, that though they weren't unholy, just being near/living with them was enough to wreak havoc in my relationship with Christ). Fool that I am, I accused God in my heart of being unfair and cruel to withhold such things from me.

I am so upset over this now. He is so good to me. Always so kind, and the lavish kindnesses He's consistently provided? I mean--His son????

I am an idiot of the first order. A vile wretch, to accuse my loving Father of withholding from me what is good, and even further, to accuse Him of tormenting me--as though He were consistently continuing to withdraw from me those things which seemed most necessary to my well-being, accusing also that He was taunting me by holding out supposed gifts, allowing me to become wholly emotionally engaged, and then snatching them away. As though it were some sort of sick game. My selfishness, my self-exaltation, my pride, and much other sin has been the problem all the while--my idolatry and unwillingness to keep all submitted to God...yet I turned around and accused Him of being the evildoer in the matter. Perish the thought, terrifying.

Do you see how wicked this is, though? How absolutely horrific to have such thoughts about Him, who is the Lover of my soul? About the One who gave His life to redeem me from the wrath due me, and from the power of sin?

If I could crawl beneath the earth to hide my shame and the wretchedness of my grief over having so completely and horribly erred against Him...the shamefulness and the abject horrific reality of my error would cry out no less.

He is good Always and wholly good. It's my sin, my idolatry of my own understanding (exalted above His) and of my desire/covetousness for these matters of companionship (even using Scriptures against Him, taunting Him myself--I am horrible, friends)...which has so corrupted my interpretations that I would dare perceive my holy, ever-loving, truly long-suffering Heavenly Father as being other than He is--He is kind, gentle, patient, good, full of love toward me in Christ, and disciplining me unto my good and my conformity to the image of Christ. He knows what I need.

His wrath upon sin is truly just.

I have to truly surrender, and let go of the idea that I need marriage. And I have to leave it resting upon the altar of His love and kindness and mercy toward me in Christ.

My heart is raw, over this. I feel as though I've had my flesh abraded and left exposed...as though some scar has been peeled off, revealing tender, raw flesh. And I must trust Him with this, that I will not turn toward self in some other fashion, to mask this pain and sense of vulnerability.

He is a good Father, is the thing: He isn't going to give me something which would destroy me. And idolatry is ever unto destruction. So, realistically, if having a husband would mean that I would not be safe, spiritually, He knows that...and He is not going to give me that which would destroy me.

The only way I will ever be safe in that scenario is if I truly surrender this idol and submit to God. Yet that doesn't guarantee He will allot either, now or ever. The rightfulness of appropriation must be trusted to Him wholly, though, and desire continually submitted to Him if and/or when I begin ever to pick up the idea of my superior understanding of my needs, once more. I must rejoice in Him in all matters, and that be the course at core and always. Regardless of circumstances or provision. He knows my needs and He will provide what is needful and good.

It's taken me this long in life to even be able to openly admit to the reality of this situation, in my heart (i.e., to myself). The fact of the matter is, for nearly as long as I've lived, I've felt entitled to companionship, as an unstated development believed most fundamentally necessary to "complete me." And I've believed there was nothing short of that which would suffice unto fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

I have never fully acknowledged those thoughts to anyone, openly. But the many years prior to coming to Christ, this has been the case...

How much an idol is this, then? How longstanding? I was awoken to those desires prior to speech being a matter freely endeavored. I still clearly remember my first "crush," and the desire for I knew not what, but of something "vital." (And he remembered me, too, when we encountered one another a couple years ago--though now, I'm of an age where we're contemporaries...and he is not someone who follows the Lord.)

And the next fellow, who I adored for over a decade... In later years, his mom approached me and remarked upon that early attachment to him and how she'd hoped someday...

...but he married. He never saw me as anything more than a quirky, overzealous (thus interesting) friend.

And there were others, along the course of these years...again and again, of whom I silently hoped. I saw so many traits which were so very desirable, in each, is all: Kindness, gentility, humility, quiet strength, a willingness to stand up in the face of wrongdoing. Moral fortitude.

And just sincerity, most often.

Over time, I lost the ability to as easily discern what these even were. But it didn't really matter anyway--none of it was honorable nor God-honoring. I used and was used. There was so much brokenness and pain, sin at the core of it all. My sights were continually fixed on the idea that in order to find peace and fulfillment, I had to know and understand myself and pursue whatever matters were most well-suited to my personality and proclivities. And none of it was unto peace. I tried to be systematic, varying angles of approach to life and fulfillment--even regarding interactions and potential relationships. But, still, empty and disconnected.

I wanted companionship all along, but many places it seemed to be found was with some of whom abuse was rife in one form or another. I didn't know how to relate, otherwise. That was all that felt...acceptable, and worthy of me. Those I met who weren't blatantly abusive, though...

...well, I didn't really talk, in any case. So much was smoke and mirrors. In all my searching for myself, I kept running from the truth of who I was--a sinner, denying God's reality and pre-eminence. And so whatever I shared was partial truth, again and again--always shifting, depending upon mood and the perspective of the moment. Nothing seemed founded on reality.

But I was very much driven by a desire, always, for companionship. Though I denied it to myself and to others, except in rare moments of clarity when I would come to the end of an attempted interaction with someone realizing I couldn't handle suppressing the truth of what bits I knew of reality well enough to manage being a partner.

If none of that makes especially clear sense, I think that's perfectly acceptable. I'm trying to give an overview of decades' worth of progression of perception and interaction, and that in and of itself is I think a bit too expansive to be easily summed with precision for apt conveyance.

Just, the whole of the matter was that I wanted companionship. I have nearly always wanted a relationship. Through most of my life prior to Christ, I didn't identify that as a desire for marriage, due to the brokenness I was accustomed to and due to how significantly that was downplayed in regard to myself, as a child.

I sometimes think I have ever been seen as an object of possession and gratification, and generally treated as such.

But in the midst of that sort of brokenness, I kept trying to make some sort of headway with any ability to form a meaningful, lasting relationship. And discussed terms. And...still...things did not go. I wouldn't marry anyone who didn't actually want to marry me, who viewed it as some sort of concession to convention or means to a personal goal (citizenship) or as a concession to appease me, in terms of manipulating my behavior.

None of them knew me. Or wanted to know me. I could know them, but they did not know me. And did not want to know me. And the few men who have wanted to know me or who got to know me at all...just weren't interested. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not successful enough. I don't come from a good enough family. I don't possess enough skill with hospitality and social graces. I'm just not skilled and presentable enough to be desirable.

I'm not marketable.

All the more so, now that I follow Christ.

I've been told to lay off some of the religious stuff, if I want to have any chance at a relationship. And have been told as much by even well meaning folks, who I guess don't know me as well as they think?

It's well meaning advice. I know it is. But I don't see how becoming more worldly is going to help me spiritually, when it comes to finding someone with whom I would want to spend my life seeking Christ.

This guy, though. This recent man. I've never met anyone like him. I miss feeling safe with him, perhaps more than anything. But I'm safe with the Lord, before anyone else. And even if things in the world are painful and scary...I know it's only as the Lord would have done, when harm comes to me.

I just really like the idea of having someone who would protect me from doctors. But that's such a maudlin thought.

All this is, now.

Of all this, the matter at hand is that through so much of the process of ardently desiring and haphazardly entering attempts toward companionship...I was lying to myself about the truth of the idolatry of that particular desire. Of those matters which I most wanted, that was central and fundamental in all realms--and largely entirely unmentioned, as being so wholly central to my being. I hid that idol from everyone, as it had been mocked when I was a child. And so it became a secret sin which suffused and informed pretty much everything I did.

Even the delving into the occult, as I did. That was a pursuit on such a line, too, which ultimately led unto a familiar spirit. Which was my companion for a long while, on and off.

None of it was satisfactory, though.

In those moments when I did have the companionship, I still found myself at a loss. And part of it was matter of feeling cloistered, as though I had to deny the truth of who I was in order to be accepted (usually so)...but also as though I was being prevented from continuing to pursue that which mattered. I wanted growth. I wanted development.

I wanted truth.

And I still do.

But most folks I've met are content with amusement. Content to just bide time, as the hours pass. Time without thought. The challenge of continual growth was not appealing.

And now...I'll have more people. More connection. Not to be as solitary, in seeking the Lord.

I think.

Anyways.

The whole of things, of the idolatry again, is that it was so deep rooted that I refused to even acknowledge the presence: so central my being. Not as central as pride, certainly--self-exaltation being the root of all else which is sin.

But this...was probably the one nearest and next most fundamental.

When I came to Christ, a couple different things happened in respect to this longstanding idol, within the first year. First, I wandered across the Psalm that talks about desires of one's heart being given, and I fully, consciously thought to myself basically, "Now at last, I will have a husband: I will delight myself in the Lord, and He will give me a husband."

That...didn't happen with any immediacy. In fact, life got straight-up crazy, instead. Insane, really. So, that was still a desire, but put far on the back burner in the midst of all the havoc, and in the midst of the sweetness of the nearness of the Lord, I rejected the idea of marriage wholesale: I couldn't control for it, see? And I couldn't foresee the Lord fulfilling that desire. So, choosing to reject what wasn't within my reach was an act of trying to wholly prefer what was present...which just suppressed the truth of idolatry. Not addressing it, yet dealing with it oddly...suppressed it from view.

Resenting the lack of fulfillment, moreover, was kind of turning up my nose at my own deep-seated desire while trying to pretend it was no longer within me--instead of surrendering my desire to God.

I spent the next couple years running from the desire for marriage, continuing to ostensibly reject desire. I'd even made such professions along the course of time, on here. I was claiming not to want marriage at all, because I did not want to want marriage. Which ended up allowing for a confession which felt like an act of superiority: Out of rage, really. Impotent rage at being unable to influence or move the hand of God. And resentment at feeling inferior and denied, in fellowship with many others happily married and professing the joys (and trials) of marriage. I was enraged at being told I ought to marry, as it's sanctifying: If I could have married someone whom I thought was suitable, I would have. But I would not and will not marry absolutely anyone, just for the sake of being married. That's ludicrous. If I were to do that, I may as well just sell myself to the highest bidder, because that's what it equates to doing: Find whoever is the most profitable a match, since the person doesn't matter as much as the desired outcome. That...still, is something I just won't do.

It's not that there aren't men now who have been interested in me, even. Some have. But...for various reasons, I just haven't been interested or in a place where that's feasible or there's been problem on their end. It's not been of God, ultimately.

A thing about sin, though: It's deceptive. I can make that strong statement about the reality of my rage being what it was, simultaneous with seemingly sanctified professions of rejection of marriage, in light of the recognition that sin is just that deceptive. There's now humiliation at not having been remotely cognizant of my shamefulness, and grief over having so erred against God on this point. Letting go the shame and grief will be a day to day thing, taken before the Lord. But the fact of the matter is, I don't think any of us realize how shameful our sin actually is, or we wouldn't proceed in it from the first.

As uncultured and uncivilized as I am, in general, it seems very much like very often there are many things which aren't quite even a matter of sin, but just ignorance of decorum which are even shameful, yet which I don't have insight to avoid. So for there to be shame in regard to mere passing, human things?--how much more, concerning matters in opposition to the Sovereign of our Universe?

Again, though. This whole matter has been fraught with difficulty from the fore. Much a problem of focus and outworking of pride.

I have been...so arrogant. So very, very arrogant. In so many ways. I've spurned so many people, in my pride. And this isn't disconnected from this weird fixation of marriage. Almost as like an outgrowth of self, still. Saying "This is what I need, to be okay."

The Lord knows. I don't. So it's still just arrogance to assert that I know my needs better than He does. And to act as though He's mistreating me--throwing a temper tantrum, moreover, because He's not giving me what I want--enrages me, now. That I wold dare be so arrogant and malicious toward the One whom my soul loves.

I would hate myself for this. But His love and His mercy, His kindness toward me bid me grieve instead and ask forgiveness. I can't atone for what I've done, and wanting to make myself suffer for these matters is every bit as arrogant as the rest--Christ has paid my penalty. Let me, then, repent in dust and ashes, Lord.

So, writing all of this at such length is trying to have out with it and be done with it.

Because I keep being tempted to pick it back up again. As though it's mine to determine, mine to have.

The second point was that even if I were married, if I were in a position of idolizing marriage, I would view myself as entitled to my husband also--as though he, too, were mine and were my due. But this, too, is wrong. If the Lord were to give me in marriage, I would still remain Christ's. And my husband would remain Christ's also.

He wouldn't be my possession, to hoard and find fulfillment and all safety and joy in. No, that would still be the Lord or it would all be idolatry.

Same of a man, toward me. If he exalted me to the point of being the purpose and meaning in his life, I would fall far short of being anything worth his attentions, as those affections are for God alone. What love would be given, ought be given as unto God. Loving as Christ loved, unto one another.

And that's what I've been told of interaction in general--it's through Christ, or not of Him. We must interact with one another through our submission of our own spirits to Christ. Not apart from Him, not striving to understand or know wisdom or plot courses apart from Him. But through Him.

The approval of God is what's necessary, not the approval of man. Idolatry arising out of the desire to gain man's approval and be led of man (even as though unto God) leads to self-exaltation or self-abasement, outworking of a central focus being on self or other people rather than on the completed work of Christ and regard for self or other considered per that reality and a rightfully resultant submissiveness to God in Christ for all guidance. Ever does the pride of either self-exaltation or self-abasement yield unto further sin, is all: idolatry of man, idolatry of self, for me unto a giving way to fearfulness and anxiety, per wrongly attempting to control for matters which are intended to be submitted to and directed by God. There's constant need to trust God and submit to Christ for the strength and wisdom to do all which He would call us to do, whereas having foremost focus on idols instead places onus on self as the source of strength rather than Christ... And this is much the heart of sin. Convoluting all interactions. In a similar capacity to the full-scale rejection of marriage which I'd undergone and have been detailing, particularly concerning my sinful suppression of the reality of the state of my idolatry, I had done the same regarding others in Christ whom I revered beyond the point of loving acceptance, as unto idolatry. That is not their fault, but wholly my own. And my turning away, fear-driven, was not worthy but of the same mettle as what I had done regarding marriage--sinfully rejecting and denying what could not be controlled for, what had ought to have been yielded unto God and pursued only as per His guidance (interaction on the whole, I mean). So much of such wretchedness was founded on a contortion of what it is to truly, in a God-honoring way, give double honor to those who are in authority over us.

Central to a lot of the deviation has been a turning inward due to pain and the horrors of becoming aware of other sins against and participated in. Abject horror. And so very grieved. And seeking help, but not knowing quite how, barely able to speak of things or put words to the circumstances--only preliminarily cognizant of what, in fact, was at all passing. Just horror after horror. And in the midst of the pain, the tendency can often be to be hyper-sensitive to anything which remotely can be perceived as akin to that which was known to cause pain. And the hyper-sensitivity, if not submitted to the Lord, is unto self-pity, self-coddling, rather than extending grace and the love and charity of Christ, to forbear and be present as fellow citizens. So many things which are not at all problematic in normal circumstances may be perceived as dire attacks, though they aren't.

And besides all, of whether an attack is intended or not, the call to Christ is indeed a call to forbear one another in love. Not remembering wrongs, but loving and seeking the good of others rather than self. My tendency again and again has instead been to still be offended and hurt and to shore up walls in defense, in the midst. Rather than taking into account that I hurt others too, intentionally or unintentionally--I am no better than anyone else...and so I am not in position to judge nor to take offense. Christ, above all, was hurt by me...intentionally mocked and spurned and derided. Who am I to take offense at anything, then? But to instead, submit to Him in the midst and love and extend the same mercies He has extended to me.

Self-justification is not a fruit of the Spirit. Neither is self-preservation.

But to love. And seek good.

And this is going to be the post to end all posts for some time. Though I may not be able to type again for a while after tomorrow, so it's what it is...

I wish...my perception were not often so very inhibited by fear. That has to be surrendered to the Lord, too. That's the core of much of this--the tendency to idolize others, unto wanting approval and acceptance (and in a sense, the desire for marriage has been comprised of wanting that on a much closer front: to receive worship and to worship another, at close range...which is disgusting), and then a giving over to despair fearing rejection, and the tendency then is to see others as somehow further away than they are...as having darker motives than they do. And one of the the problems is (...again, fundamentally, failing to be focused on Christ, but...), it really doesn't matter what other people's motives are. At all, is the thing.

That's between them and God. I'm not the M.O. police. None of us are. God alone judges the hearts of man.

What I need to do is submit to the Lord, remember the cross, and bear through with a loving, gracious heart toward those around me. No matter weirdness or injustice or whatever.

Same as for us all. And keep taking my heart back to Christ, as my all in all--not the opinions of others. If other people are put off by me or uncomfortable with me, then I will trust the Lord to help refine me to have more tact so I don't cause my brothers and sisters to stumble.

But taking it to Him, rather than being caught up in worry and concern and all the things else. He has to correct and mold my heart and help me do what's right. I'm not sufficient.

Same with this idolatry of marriage. Thing is, I really like this guy that I'd been hanging out with. But...that doesn't have to mean anything more than we're just friends. He may just be a really dear brother, perhaps even at a distance going forward--I don't know. I can't and won't know anything else, except the Lord allows insight. These things are the Lord's, not mine, and I can rest in gratitude toward the Lord of the whole of these matters, and appreciation for what's been accomplished through the situation. All is just a day at a time, anyway, so I need to just let it all go unto the Lord. Because it's not mine to direct or control, and my friend is the Lord's and so am I. And we may not even really be beneficial to one another, as more than friends... There's no way to know, except to wait upon God and His guidance. And, again, that's enough--just to trust the Lord and let go.

Placing all in the Lord's hands, alone, my hands need to remain open unto God and loving service of others.

I can't try to gauge one way or the other how things may go, based on any sort of "signs." Not at all a sound course.
And trying to do so is meddling, demanding, feeling entitled.

Ever the way to know whether a thing is of the Lord is when it comes to pass. We know, when a matter has come to pass...that's what He's said. And just being guided one moment at a time, as of "this is the way, walk in it."

And I will probably continue to battle through my idolatry of man and of marriage. Unless the Lord be exceedingly merciful to me in this at this particular juncture (which He may, I don't know)...I will have to keep laying this down.

And I will, because He'll help me.

The most recently met man isn't necessarily anything more than a friend, is the thing. We earnestly spoke some things to one another in haste, and...strangely, I don't regret the way things have gone. It's all been used of the Lord to reveal and convict of my idolatry, unto repentance. I still mean the things said, yet in submission to the Lord's will, foremost. But this is same as we'd ever said, regardless of how my heart shifted back toward idolatry toward the latter end. All was begun and prayerfully considered in context of whatever the Lord would give or not, though, despite what's been revealed of my heart's machinations.

And so what, that it does hurt not to have a husband? I do want marriage. And it's not wrong to want marriage--just wrong to want it in a way which obstructs or intrudes upon my rejoicing and contentment in the Lord: As long as Christ is all-sufficient in my heart--known as Lord and He in whom I find my purpose and peace and direction--I can bear the pains, the griefs, and even the unmet yearnings of my heart...all being lesser than the light of His love and the joy of the knowledge of God in Christ, recognizing with gratitude that the Lord knows my needs, and if He has not given me something I desire, then that is truly good and necessary and right. Same, when He takes away--it is good and right and with good purpose. For, He is my Good Shepherd, my greatest friend, and He knows my needs so much better than I do. And He's been helping me heal in ways I didn't even have sense to know I was broken, per the convolution of perceptions wrought per long-standing sin. His kindness has and does lead me to repent. As Christ Himself is the fulfillment of my heart's truest needs and utmost desires, and the more clearly He leads me to recognize and rejoice in this reality, the more completely He allows me to destroy my idols and pursue His love, above all.

That is what is good and necessary to all wellness and continuation of life.