Ponderings: Sensitivity, Solitude, Suffering, and Solidarity (Never Alone, but by Grace)

Everything has come unhinged, even further. Which...really...no..

Just seeing slightly more clearly, by God's grace. Even along the course of matters prevening continued and continue along their paths of development. If it weren't for the fact of Christ's faithfulness--that Jesus, Himself, keeps me and directs me and redirects me (even though He doesn't direct me to such extent that He's utterly delivered from sin--longing for that day, to be with Him, though things here are so deep of rejoicing in His goodness and mercy in the midst of abject depravity and horrors)...

...if it weren't for Him being who He's said He is and how He's said He is...

...I would be so many times lost, daily and every moment.

It's again as though I'm seeing things for the first time. Anew. Seeing a deeper, broader, more gut-wrenching and heart-breaking depth of the expanses of my prevailing and somewhat (deeply grievously) persist selfishness, callousness, detachment, lovelessness, self-indulgence, lustful, covetous, and idolatrous fallen nature according to the flesh. Those moments which ever were compassionate and giving have been so gilded with self-exaltating impetuousness. Maybe never truly giving out of generosity and love, alone. Giving out of as much I knew of generosity and love, yes. But so blind to the superficiality. Still so prone.

When there've been moments of deepest conviction, before, I'm not sure the grief has so much been about the slights against others as against God, alone. Despairing of having erred against Him.

Now, though, seeing for the first time how I've also been so callous all along the while to others. Controlled by fear, sometimes, other times by a self-centeredness which prevents any awareness of the needs or feelings of others, except very superficially. But I'm so confused about this, still. Because there's still been some modicum of love. There's still been some amount of charity. Of generosity. Of empathy. Of concern. And compassion. It just seems so small.

And increasingly, the Lord has been cementing in my heart and mind that the way to love best is not with cheap platitudes, pleasant chatter, and evasive (which often equates to outright deceitful) diplomacy meant to avoid and preclude offense at any cost...but instead to love through meaningful exchanges which are wholly authentic, not predicated on maintaining false peace but neither overtly inflammatory--truthful exchanges which don't dilute the steadfast nature of absolute reality yet which are sensitive to and very concerned with each and every precious person (whom He's lovingly fashioned) I am being or ever have been blessed to interact with at any length.

Not impression management. But authentic interactions which are sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading, which is unto a deeper love (thus truthfulness comported thereof and thereby) than could ever be privately engendered.

For the sake of loving Him and loving others as He loves me. He is so kind to me, still, even having paid such an inconceivable price to salvage such a wretched creature as I have ever been both toward Him, toward others, and toward myself (all of which is against Him, in truth). I love because He has loved me and has been so gracious as to change my heart, increasingly breathing new life. Unto richer, more animated love for others, too.

These are hard things to bear, and except that He carries the burden I couldn't. And wouldn't. Impossible.

Especially in the midst of the shearing torments of so much brokenness on all sides and encountered in so many ways. There's nothing but to trust Him. He's faithful. Constant. Friend, brother.

And gladly holy in all His ways, even as husband. Provider, comforter, shelter, protector, and leader.

My shepherd.

I keep getting so confused about things, still. But He patiently leads me to safe places, directs me to solace, and provides companionship, instruction, and shelter. In addition to giving me strength and peace and place for gainful employ (which also includes service of others for other than monetary gain). My needs are met in Him. By Him. Continually.

But it's much in my head, along that line, that it seems as though others have mentors that lead them in the here and now. As though there are dedicated teachers given to other disciples, yet somehow I am left with (blessed) passing bits of fellowship and exchange, but no concerted discipleship apart from His own. Which, with as willful and stubborn as my heart still is, if He had placed such a person in my life I'd have probably immediately rebelled in defiant resentment of being condescended to and expected to take someone, anyone else's word as sufficient for doctrine regarding godliness.

Especially now that, yet again, there's been an experience where people who were leaders had pressed for that sort of blind dogmatism regarding their interpretations of Scripture, to such extent that I'd defied the Lord for a long while to be in compliance with them...ending mercifully with a good bit of nervous breakdown and departure from such group.

I haven't met anyone (self included) whose theology is perfect. So dogmatism according to rote learning of another soul's interpretation of God and His will and ways...is inherently fraught with danger.

Yet...He has and does use preaching to direct and instruct and correct and encourage me. And books. And fellowship. Just not the sort of "parent-child" sort of discipleship that I kind of have in my mind as being an ideal and pattern, relationally, amongst present tense teacher-disciples.

Does anyone really have that, though? There's one lady whom He's blessed me with ongoing fellowship with whom He also led in so many ways, despite her family's rejection of God as sovereign. But she recounts her faith being somewhat sheltered and directed by a woman of God who "took her under her wing."

Again, it comes to mind that I'm too jaded to take well to close instruction at length, still. The pressure would be suffocating. And terrifying. And likely as painful and somewhat destructive as some attempts at fellowship have been, when become too familiar, familialy.

But I trust Him. He has been leading me, and there are moments when the ache for present, physical direction completely fades beneath the weight of joy...and times when it's been completely satisfied for moments at a time in sweet, God-honoring, if fleeting fellowship. He tends my needs.

Even when my need really is to be alone with Him for a span, despite (and even because of) deep yearnings for other fellowship (distraction). Heartbreaking that He would have to force that. But He's faithful, despite my wretchedness.

And there are so many things on all sides which could completely explode into a whole new level of terror and torment and grief and pain at any moment. But because of His steadfastness, His constancy in directing me (and reminding me of His constancy), I defer to Him and will defer to Him, whatever comes. Whatever comes is less than He ever bore for me. And far more deserved, though no longer as a punishment at all (since He bore that, whole)...but sanctifying, unto a deeper knowledge of His faithfulness--proving, testing, trying, and refining my knowledge of and faith in Him. Unto a steadfast belief in His nature and dependability that I'll be able to testify of His goodness and grace in the midst of any storm, fire, flood, drought, or disaster. No matter how devastating.

Not because there's no pain. Not because I'm strong. Not because I'm able.
But because He is faithful. And Jesus--our God and Creator--is good.
Bless His holy name, for He is good.

Thank you, Lord, for your mercies on me.
I am a wretch, a sinner. Made saint by grace, alone. Your righteousness covers me--I have none of my own and all that which I could muster would still be utterly defiled....thus not righteousness.
So thank you. And help me. Have mercy on me. Have mercy on these others.
We are nothing, Lord, and yet we grieve and are tormented. Except for your love, we would be undone. So, have mercy. Help us. Give us your strength. Lead us and turn us to depend upon you, wholly. Direct us to honor you, for your name's sake and glory, even as it's for our good to do so.
Teach us to strive, to press, to fight to remain in your rest, suffused by your peace, rejoicing even as the flames rise around us. Teach us that melody, Lord, to sing in our suffering and thus be lifted out of it and into your blessed Spirit's embrace--kindled by a different flame, then, unto joy.
Jesus, teach us to love you as you have loved us, and to love each other just the same. Form our hearts, Lord. Give us new ones, as needed. But transform our minds and renew and further enliven our hearts each day. By your grace. Be praised.

From the Last Few Weeks and Present

1- Trusting and professing the truth of who God is, based on knowledge of Him and understanding of His ways which is unwavering as steadfastly founded upon revelation through His Word (even as ever corroborated by His Spirit), need arise and remain regardless (and sometimes despite) emotion or passion or heartfelt reliance and conviction Accepting truth as true, accepting God at His Word is the right and just thing to do, no matter how I feel (or don't feel) about it.

2- Based on His Word, when feelings run amok and fear and anxiety and doubt crowd in and mock and taunt and batter faith, believing He is who He says and will do as He says He will do all the while is likewise the right course. No matter appearances. No matter confusion of circumstances. No matter lack of passion. No matter whether my heart and mind are fully aligned, and no matter what intellect might try to construct as argument against. Accept truth as true, rather than trying to conform reality to expectation entails allowing that I don't and cannot understand everything, simultaneously accepting that He can and does.

Likewise the course:

3- When things go differently than what seemed to be His will, submitting entirely to Him rather than persistently demanding explanation, requiring understanding, expecting Him to justify Himself to me (woe, to even dare such a stance). Rather, accepting whatever is as from Him, thus unto ultimate good, so given as unto to His glory and our good.

4- Crying out to Him for help to feel what ought be felt, and to do what ought be done, renewed in awareness of abject inability and incapacitation from mustering even a right thought.

5- Trusting Him to guide, lead, empower, and direct...without "requiring" awareness (let alone understanding) of the process, but instead accepting His sovereignty entails He is capable of leading without our awareness being required.

6- Submitting to His leading, then, as whatever comes. Desiring He would lead by whatever means. Yet without needing to know, while still being grateful to be aware that He does and will lead and direct all things to His glory, ultimately, regardless what any of us do or don't do. He's God. He can and does and will do what He wants. He has glorified His name, Himself, and He will be glorified evermore.

7- Reminded that His sovereignty and perfection means the perceived strength or weakness of our faith, the perceived aptitude or failure of ourselves to do right, to do good, to do His will...has no bearing on our salvation, ultimately, because the strength or failure within us doesn't alter Christ's perfection and ability to save, doesn't tarnish His righteousness one iota...reminded that salvation and our "safety" in Christ's keeping doesn't waver dependent on our moods, perceptions, perspectives, falterings, and frailties allows for further gratitude and surrender to the truth of His goodness and ability and the sufficiency of His grace toward those who know Him and love Him as God.

8- Further, being prompted to rejoice, not out of a sense of obligation but because of the remembrance that He's worthy all praise. Whether my heart's in it or not, I know and can know that He is worthy of praise, so it's true regardless whether I feel anything regarding the process, regardless what I may or may not feel. It's true. He's worthy of praise, and I will praise Him.

9- Similarly, doing whatever can be mustered as turning to Him: in prayer, in worship, in devotion, in attuning to His Word...whether through the hearing of it per recorded preaching, through the reading of even a verse or two at a time, or howsoever else, as just desperately clinging to whatever there is, longing that He would give grace and strength to passionately revel in His Word, in His Presence, in His fellowship again.

10- Grieved to see, again and again, how those blessed times of fellowship have yet still shown the wretchedness of the flesh as so pervasive and perverse, in how oft that blessed communion is turned from a place of sacred respite to a place of secret pride and self-congratulatory (thus other-demeaning) exultation. How wretched is this human nature even to ever turn against the One who is good and kind and loving and perfect, even as turning inwardly against those else whom He loves by taking on an air of superiority for having perceived to "reach a point of right devotion."

11- Despairing of wretchedness, then, but in context of seeing how great is His goodness, how consuming His love, how vastly overwhelming His grace, and how perfect His righteousness, that He would have mercy on such, even as unto allowing insight into both depravity of self and further insight into the depths of His mercy.

12- Reminded again that His righteousness isn't altered nor tarnished nor lessened by such falterings, that salvation rests in Him, not in me, there's deeper peace and gratitude. Apart from salvation being in God, by God, from God...I couldn't maintain a right stance, couldn't manage to remain unwaveringly steadfast sufficient to be worthy. The only worthiness is in Christ, Himself: If I am to walk worthy, it will be by similar grace as that which saved me. And His grace is sufficient.