Various Thoughts on Emotional/Mental Healing

Wow. I am just so overwhelmed by the Lord's mercies, right now. There's still so much brokenness and chaos in my life and self and relationships right now, but there's healing too. And I keep being utterly taken aback by the realization that I really had not believed that healing was possible. 

And I don't mean that in a blatant, defiant sense--as though I had considered the possibility of healing and discounted it as unavailable and improbable. But, rather, that I had been living and comporting myself and considering reality in such a way that I had been utterly blind to the brokenness, having been long accustomed to living by means of adaptation and adoption of unconscious coping strategies. To the exclusion of awareness of the pains, having long been accustomed to their presence.

You cannot put faith in what you refrain from acknowledging, put another way. So, as such, I did not believe in the possibility of healing. Emotionally. And mentally. And physically, to a much lesser extent. ..as physical pains are all the more lingering, in consciousness.

As the Lord seems often wont to relay via multiple, parallel means...to put another way, I have also experienced recognition of awareness of the extent of physical healing recently, too. Which has and does reinforce the emotional and mental healing also become recognized.

Of the physical, I was utterly and unexpectedly caught by surprise in realizing a pain I'd been long accustomed to enduring and accommodating for...is no longer present. I am still taken aback by this to such an extent that I'm confused by the absence and keep altering my posture to the prior accommodations for pain.

I'd visited a friend whom I'd used to visit weekly, last Wednesday--for the first time in many months. And twice got up from the chair I was sitting in, to walk across the room. Each time, I caught myself rigidly holding my spine in a contorted fashion--marginally consciously aware of the expectation of pain regardless the stance...and that's when I realized what I was doing, because I found myself unexpectedly shocked each time. Because the pain did not come. And I hadn't known or realized I'd been expecting it, so wholly had I been accustomed to marginalizing, accommodating for, and minimizing its presence.

I didn't realize until being shocked that it didn't come.

Similarly, healing that has been given--emotionally...mentally--has not been expected or believed in because I've been a life-time in practice of actively deluding myself regarding the severity of incapacitation and pains. Largely for having no context by which to otherwise understand, except that which was broken and pain-wracked.

I have been so wrong about so many things. Utterly deluded. And He still hasn't brought me to the end of matters, regarding the extent of my self-delusions.

There's something about experiencing what is right and good and true and well...which provides anchor unto correction. Jesus, Himself, provides means by which to know truth and seek to yield to Him, as unto reconciliation to truth. Which is healing.

And by part and proxy of like mannered things and circumstances and relationships which also are reflection and manifest Him...then there becomes means of knowing what has been wrong per light of experiencing what is right. (Like as per reading Scripture.)

Someday, perhaps, the Lord will afford time here and means for open reflection regarding more of the specifics of some of these matters--the posts of recent have touched on many of these things, now that they no longer hold sway over me and thus can be openly regarded in light of the fact that Jesus has freed me and borne the shame and wrath in my place. For these things are shameful. And deserve wrath, punishment, eternal.

But God...He intervened. He bore my consequences and my shame. That in coming to Him, in submitting to the truth of Jesus Christ's sovereignty and power and forgiveness and mercy...I am free. Free to love Him. Free to love others, as He has loved. Free to be reconciled in body and soul to truth and wellness. Bit by bit. Image to image, glory to glory.

And so, I'm utterly confounded (ie, I don't know what's going to happen, and thus consider myself confused per such awareness as of my lack of foreknowledge). And yet at peace. I trust God. He has been good to me.

...and this next will seem like a completely random change of topic, perhaps, but I'm not going to clarify for the moment...

I don't have to watch movies. I don't have to listen to secular music. I don't have to watch the news. I don't have to participate in politics (though I will pray...and vote for Jesus--though He's already in charge, anyway). I don't have to do the things that will distract me from Him. Including art. Including further schooling. Including music (though I do want to worship more, and that is a blatant avenue of doing so, for me...but...learning instruments is so time consuming, when I could otherwise be devoting the energy and thought toward His Word or writing of His kindness or all so many things). And I'm still uncertain of social media. But that's fine too--the uncertainty, prayerful.

I don't have to do things which make sense to people. I can follow Christ.

And though I equate uncertainty often with being confounded that certain matters which appear so clear to me, in Scripture prayerfully perused and meditated upon at length (though not comprehensively, as that will be an infinite thus eternal thus never completed matter)...being utterly strangely practiced by many...then, still, I don't have to set aside my own convictions for the sake of being more socially acceptable. Not so long as I walk humbly with God, lovingly beside others. Seeking justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with Him.

Now...there's still brokenness and pain. But I know there's healing. And there's a certain hope which hadn't been present before in the way it is, now. So I long for more healing, for the sake of more wholeheartedly following Christ and glorifying Him without regard for self. I don't know what His will is, with certainty, yet. But I will continue to submit to Him. Because He's my Lord and Master. Amongst many things. And because I trust Him beyond all things else. And whatever He would have for me, I know is good. Whereas also I know that whatever I would choose for myself, apart from submission to Him...is not wholly good.

So I'll trust, too, that He will help me walk in submission on these matters. Because I can't do that, either, apart from His help.

I keep remembering too, something made apparent two years ago. Around the idea of walking on water, convergent with following Him and walking by the Spirit--at the shoreline, the prospect of doing so is not nearly so offensive to fleshly reasoning, because the reality of plunging isn't dire since fleshly abilities are still considered adequate to wade the depths of that terrain. But the further from shore, the more vital to trust Him wholeheartedly (ever more so), as not to plunge into the murky depths of all which would seek to encompass and overwhelm. Being led, then, in circumstances which are utterly foreign except that the One leading knows their height and breadth and depth and width to the measure of all knowing, whole. And His guidance is utterly precise and unerringly wise. No matter the grief or pain endured in the passage, each is unto a weight of glory incomparable with the present sufferings. For we do have that hope: Christ, our God, will be glorified. Period.

So, though I oft and always have been utterly blind on matters romantic...He's restored to me vision. How complete, I have next-to-no idea, for having been prior unaware of even being blind. But enough to know that I just don't know, now. Except to know I need Jesus, first, foremost, and all in all.

I'm not going to try to figure things out, in other words. Because He's helped me know enough to know I'm not truly capable. And I'm strangely okay with that, somehow, but just because I trust the One to whom I defer.

I'm just caught reeling, though. I have been so completely deluded. So completely wrong. Flummoxed at the completeness of delusion. And deeply grateful to be gifted sight, even especially as not having had ample sense as to detect the prior lack. Then, further, utterly uncertain of what to do or how to proceed, being entirely on unfamiliar territory.

I'd once written, years ago--in a blog which I'd deleted shortly after coming to know Christ (of which such there were multiple, each with varying degrees of anonymity and depravity)--of feeling a stranger wandering from my own land into the realms of others, just to bear company for mere moments at a time. Though each time falling short of finding fulfillment, feeling the call of my own realm too powerful once more, despite the relative isolation. Seeking solidarity, yet finding none. Meeting on many grounds, yet never ones familiar or at home. Thus always having to turn back, turn away, for sake of the relative comfort of reclaiming some degree of integrity. For sake of returning to truth which would not bear silence or suffocation. Though alone, seeking solidarity of self if none else. Thus referred to as my own "land."

I'm not going to follow through on completing the thoughts later expressed in that prior posting, except to note that the sum of all those desires were fulfilled in Christ, ultimately. When I came to know Him, myself. And to walk with Him. And I posted that revelation, at length, and left it for a time before doing away with that hollow and strange cavern of mislaid dreams and desires.

But I'm reminded of that, now. Of the desire not to need to forsake truth merely so as to bear companionship. Because the whole point of that passage was just the notion that in order to be alongside others, there seemed again and again requirement to suppress varied aspects of my own reality in order to be acceptable and accepted.

And I had been carrying that same mentality and approach to relationships, still, unbeknownst to me. I am still so confounded by this, and still keep contorting myself back into that same stature, afraid of the pain that will come otherwise.

Yet for the past couple weeks, the pain hasn't come. Instead, there's been peace. And hope and joy. In Christ, my Savior.

What I'm finding though, is that as I straighten, other pains are beginning to cross into awareness. And I haven't idea how to deal with them either. But I know the one who can.

I had no idea healing was even possible. Or so vitally necessary to walking in the light of truth. Surrendering to and submitting to Jesus yields unto freedom from all that ails.

Thoughts on Clarity, Coming to Christ, and Commoditization of the Ineffable

The wonders of His goodness never cease. And may they never grow dim for you, dear friends.

Sin does indeed darken our vision--making our awareness of reality become obscured by the gaudy haze of delusion wrought to even enter willingly into sin as though it could fulfill. We have to entertain and live lies in order to opt for sin, rather than opting for obedience.

And this isn't a matter of rote, mechanical submission. But a matter of delighting in Him, delighting in His law. And not as a matter either of submitting to the Levitical code.

There is a way that seems right to a man which leads unto death. Obedience for the sake of completing a task isn't loving endeavor to please one's Beloved. And we know that the system of law was outlined to be a schoolmaster leading to Christ, whereas the sacrificial system was likewise--as the blood of beasts cannot take away the sin of man. But the sin of our faithful, perfect elder brother and God, Christ...His blood atones. Once, for all.

Yet we have to come to Him. To Him. Not merely and only to His Word, the Scriptures, which speak of Him, testify of Him, and direct us toward Him--we must go to Jesus. Himself. Seeking, asking, knocking. Ongoing. Not a solitary instance of turning, but a reorientation unto Him which ever further  and more completely aligns one unto Him more completely.

Knowing Him. Walking in submission to the truth that He is God, come incarnate, who was born as the Passover Lamb which would take away the sins of the world. And yet for those who don't come to Him, who reject what has been said of Him, and who reject Him and His salvation throughout this life--whether pushing out of mind as to deny need or overtly and consciously rejecting Him?...He said they have already been condemned (John 3:16-18), that their sin remains (John 9:41). He died for the sins of the world, and yet in order to be cleansed and redeemed, we must come to Him in spirit and truth and receive of Him forgiveness and righteousness which isn't our own.

Pondering this just a bit ago, with what limited understanding I have of these things, I was reminded of something learned while studying hospitality management regarding perishable commodities. There are some commodities--like hotel rooms, airplane seats, event seating--which each have perishable states of availability. A room in a hotel for tonight will either be "sold" tonight or it won't--once tonight has passed, the room will never again be able to be "sold" for tonight. Same of an airline ticket for a particular flight, or seating for a scheduled event--once that flight has gone, once that event has taken place, it's not possible for revenue to be gained for that instance of prior availability. Future dates, future events--yes, so long as still in operation. But this is all just to give example of something which is a tangible commodity which has intangible properties related to time and space.

What Jesus has done for us isn't a commodity. Who He is cannot be comprehended utterly. He has given us His Word by which we can come to know Him--seeing of Him, learning of His nature: learning who He is, what He's done, how He's interacted with His creation in the midst of our rebellions and our fidelity. He has revealed His heart to us, and His thoughts, in so much of what He has given. That we may know Him, intimately, by coming to Him via His Word--on His terms, yet in our terms...He has made Himself accessible. And He will give His Spirit, too, that we can understand. And that we can be united to Him, in truth and Spirit.

None of this is precisely quantifiable, though He has distinctly described many of the aspects of the nature of how this passes. Precisely in that it's coming to Jesus Christ, Himself, which makes the difference in being able to know God, period. And not just coming to Him, but coming to Him with a contrite heart, knowing our guilt in the presence of a holy, sovereign God. And further, seeking mercy. Not with a hardened heart.

And this isn't a completed thought right now, but I need to go to sleep. The Lord bless you and help you to seek to know Him more deeply and revel in Him more wholeheartedly. He is good and kind and loving. And He is ever enough. Beyond all imagining.

Submitting to Truth: Knowing Christ

Drawing near to Christ is the only thing. He has been so gracious. I keep wanting to qualify that statement with "over the weekend," when in truth...it's always. Merely, I've been particularly aware of His graciousness this recent weekend--time spent in worship and studying His Word with a 1,000 or so other saints in attendance at a conference to study the Scriptures. A foretaste of what it will be to praise Him in heaven, continually, and to ever be coming to know Him and love Him more acutely.

What a blessing, though, to have been granted opportunity to spend something of 72 hours in devout pursuit of Him in conversation, study, and praise--concerted, collective pursuit, with each and all truly directing each and all to Him, continual. Oh, how great a blessing.

If only we all were always apt to turn one another's eyes to Christ, no matter the circumstance--that all our conversations would strive, concertedly, to glorify Him by turning all thoughts and experiences out only in context of the truth of His sovereign majesty and unfathomable mercies. He is merciful--God is.

Our continued existence attests quite clearly to that fact, for those with eyes to see and a heart to know.

The long and short of the entire weekend is that His Word is living and active. Given to us by a God who has spoken. Who speaks. And who will speak. Via His Scriptures. All of which is utterly enough for our every need. And if we doubt that or feel inclined to be opposed to the sufficiency of Scripture, we need pray that He will help us to rest in knowing that He has spoken, and it is enough.

His self-revelation to us through the prophets and in Christ is so much more than we could ever exhaust, over a lifetime's pursuit of understanding. "New" revelation is a strange thing, then.

Which...isn't to say that He doesn't guide, individually. But...according to His Word. Not ever in contradiction to it.

And the point which is most difficult, of that, is to realize that there are some matters which require a significant amount of prayer and study to comprehend--and some matters which seemingly truly are beyond human grasp. These seem to be the matters which end up being the most divisive amongst brethren, as there are proof-texts which each side of any given such divide can cite to establish and maintain their stance. But proof-texts fall short of determining definitive understanding of His ways, when they fall short of consistently accounting for the entire revealed counsel of God.

Where there are seeming contradictions, as one of the teachers I've learned from has noted, this indicates deeper theology. Something much more intricate than can be grasped by a superficial assessment of apparent statements, but which requires ongoing pursuit of understanding the Lord's nature as revealed contextually and comprehensively regarding such seeming contradictions.

Like as not, his nature's complexity isn't something which can be easily grasped, given He is simultaneously one and three. Three in one. In a way which I am still humbled to even attempt to grasp, for fear of misrepresenting Him--though I know God the Son walked amongst us, in submission to God the Father, and empowered by God the Holy Spirit. All one sovereign Being, though three Persons. That...is beyond me to entirely grasp, though I see it as apparent in what has been revealed and sovereignly ordained as codified Holy Scriptures.

These things are mysterious. Though, recently, I'd heard the ancient connotation to that word--mystery--isn't present in modern interpretation. Mystery had some implication of a thing which was once hidden but which is increasingly revealed, unto increasing depths of knowing and understanding.  Not something which is ever and always wholly unknown. Not wholly unknowable, just requiring diligent pursuit of understanding in order to grasp.

He's said that those who seek (and continue to seek) will find.

The end of this weekend was very graciously concluded with dire warnings not to take lightly the Word of God nor to presume that we are (any of us) exempt from the warnings clearly given through the New Testament epistles. Rather, we should take all the warnings to heart. Primarily, those which Jesus directly gave, recorded via the gospels.

Like as with John 5:39-40. Salvation in not in the Scriptures, themselves, not in anything we say or do. Not in our desires. Not in ourselves, at all. We all are sinners. Salvation is in knowing Jesus, period.
Those who know Him, personally, are the ones receiving His forgiveness and being imputed the righteousness which is necessary to escape the wrath to come. There's no other way.

We must intimately know Jesus Christ, Himself. In Spirit and truth. And the whole of Scripture speaks of Him.

Apparently, Martin Luther called the Bible as a whole the cradle of Christ--something in the nature of presenting Him to the world, from start to end, while also revealing the law (which is a schoolmaster pointing to Christ) and revealing ourselves and our wretchedness to us (which directs us entirely to the need for Christ's salvation--His redeeming sacrifice on our behalf and the subsequent imputation of His own righteousness to us). The whole of the Scriptures point to Him. That we may wholly, with all our beings love God (Jesus Christ, who died for our redemption) and love others (those for whom He also died). And live in entire submission to Him, as such.

Which is only possible as we walk by His Spirit, not by our own private understanding nor solely by the thusly directed means of our own fleshly abilities (though overt ability be God-given). Salvation is only to be known as by knowing Him, though. And we can't dredge up an understanding of these matters by mere logic, no matter how we might try.

So there's the call to repent, for the Kingdom of God truly is at hand. God has come, in the flesh. He has paid the price of our redemption: living without ever erring, satisfying the debt of punishment due us by enduring it Himself, overcoming death as thereafter to impute to us the righteousness required for us to dwell in God's presence. He triumphed over all, that we can have victory in Him. Jesus Christ is our own and only means to enter God's presence, after this life on earth. He is our salvation, our redemption. He is. Unification with Him is all which allots victory. And, as He is also the ultimate Judge and King of all...He is the one with whom we will all have to do, at the final call.

So come to know Him, now, as King and Master...as to receive deliverance from sin, death, and the wrath to come. Turn to Him now, to receive His eternal life. For He is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. Heaven is thus to be in His presence. Nothing higher. Nothing other.

His is the eternal weight of glory. Someday to enter His presence with singing, with praise, with prostration in reverence will be all which could ever be desired by those who love Him, in truth. To fall at His feet in abject and utter abandon and submission will be the sum of all desire, knowing the truth of sin's wretchedness, His mercy, and His absolutely unfathomable grace toward sinners such as we.

Someday. Someday we will all enter His presence. Best to make peace along the way.

Haphazardly Reflecting Upon the Journey Prior

Regarding this weird process of healing which includes remembering horrors, the present difference has largely arisen out of being able to survey traumatic instances without reliving them to such extent as to be wholly overwhelmed and left in a state of perturbation for days. Having peace in Christ and remembering the safety of being sheltered and kept by Him has made all the difference.

Which isn't to say I'm not still utterly panic-stricken a vast majority of the time, on a level which doesn't generally register consciously. I am. Today constituted the first day in...a very long time...wherein I became aware of that particular aspect of my personal reality without simultaneously being utterly gripped by the terror simmering just beneath the surface of all my goings-on.

Prior to Christ, I had some very and extremely unhealthy "coping mechanisms" for dealing with that terror. The most "effective" of which was whiskey. Some of the other sort dealt primarily with suppressing awareness of reality by entering into situations which were oppressive or so overwhelming or otherwise unsettling and false as to permit suspending reality for varied periods of time. Pretending. Another way of phrasing that same avenue for suppression of terror would be to remark that I sought out the most compelling distractions I could find and utterly gave myself into them. Romance was a big one, on that front--whether novels or experience. I used to sarcastically, yet honestly state it was the "ultimate distraction." For myself, at least.

So, as far as sin goes, I heaped upon heaps in attempting to flee from the pains of reality. And this, even having been confronted with God in my youth. And having been confronted with Jesus's provision to those who call on Him in sincerity. Still, I would not turn to Him.

Especially not after being rejected by those whom I considered His people.

I had been drawn into the spiritual as propagated at Benny Hinn "crusades," when I was perhaps 12--my mom chartered a bus, to go. And when those same experiences followed me back into the solemn Methodist Church of my youth, I was set on the sidewalk in the throes. And never spoken to about the matter. I felt anathema. Literal.

And, as taken in conjunction with having come to believe that repentance is an expiring offer--that somehow we only get so many chances, and after we've used them, we won't be able to repent again...and the only way to know if I'd repented was if I had stopped the sin being repented of? Well, I found myself tacitly incapable of ceasing the sin.

...so between thinking I only had a limited number of chances to repent remaining--whereas I hadn't figured out a means of ceasing sin yet so to repent rightly--and also being so stricken with the sense of being anathema due to my own experiences...

...I stopped with church. Still attended. Because that wasn't an option.
Still went to the youth group, because...it was a means of being away from home for a while, out of the grip of fear and anxiety and insufficiency for a few moments...and nearly accepted...at least, until I started practicing some of the occult matters I'd learned in midst of fellowship.

Because part of the turning away from church was a "turning to seek God on my own terms," as mentioned in the prior post.

And He's dealt with me on these matters--both regarding being unable to divorce pursuit of Him from love for His church (broken as she may oft be), and also regarding His sovereign prerogative that we must seek Him on His terms if we're to truly know Him.

I learned a lot, seeking to know of Him and of reality and of spirituality on my own terms. But the premises upon which all that learning rested were flawed, false, and thus so goes the knowledge, corrupt. Which, again, is wherein we aren't capable to rewrite reality according to our preferences--in attempting to do so, we're merely obfuscating yet never obliterating truth.

Of which, at one point the only means seemingly apt to discern was to study the all of history and philosophy, so to attain sufficient breadth of knowledge as to gauge. But the whole was deemed too vast, so I settled on religion. Having stepped apart from the One True God, I started with pantheons.

And honed down through many, over many. To the point that none seemed fruitful, despite that in light of the reality of existence a Creator is implied. Yet, how to know Him? Knowing about Him became a thing, instead, based on assessing the nature of consistency within reality's constraints--pattern upon pattern, allowing extrapolation upon extrapolation in many instance, unto loose comprehension of multi-varied facets of systemic operation. Parallels on varied fronts, from physics, to maths, to biology, to sociology. All so orderly.

But I was so focused on the trees that I still refused to want to know the forest. I wanted, instead, to know on my own terms, still.

All the while refusing to acknowledge the fears and griefs and rages and lusts that compelled me, in life. Refusing to acknowledge them, largely because there was no safe context in or from which to assess such things as not to be wholly consumed by them. As attempted suicide was an ongoing part of the process, too, in those moments when I ceased successfully suppressing the all--largely driven by a mixture of pride (ie, self-consumed, self-loathing), frustration with my own inability to do all things (unto rage-fueled, defiant self-destructiveness), and despair of my powerlessness in the grip of grief, pain, and all else.

Pride. I would not turn to Him.

And it did not help that I experienced spiritual reality independently of submission to God. That further fueled my defiance and willfulness.

But of knowing Him, now, He is helping me to deal with the reality of my own sinfulness--both of the sins against me and of my own rampant transgressions. Unto deeper submission, in light of an incrementally expanding realization of the reality of my own wretchedness, brokenness, and helplessness taken in context of the also burgeoning awareness of Christ's mercy and love, of His grace toward me. Such that I can increasingly more forthrightly speak with greater acuity of the wretchedness of what I had lived, against Him and all Creation. Same as any of us who aren't walking in conscious, glad submission to the truth of His sovereignty and our need for mercy through Christ.

There are so many things. So many things which I once gloried in, seeking self-fulfillment, happiness, and "self-actuation," as it were...which, now, are solemnly, sadly remembered. So much brokenness and sin, unto further brokenness and sin--and for all those around, too. Of which, I have been increasingly grateful to have never achieved a place of high social standing for the fact of knowing how many all the more whom I would have harmed had that been the case. Except for the rare few whom the Lord nonetheless blessed me, even then, through companionship and kindness...for whom I have and will continue to pray. And interact, if He gives.

To be able to remember without being overwhelmed with shame or fear, though? To be able to openly remark, in light of grieving the sins of my life while yet rejoicing in my Savior's mercies? To be able to no longer feel as though all life prior must never be remarked, for fear of falling prey again to those compulsions and desires?...or worse yet, to then discover them still lurking and only awaiting the next moment of consumption? To speak without any longer fearing that I must hold it all at arms' length and somehow nearly pretend my life wasn't what it has been in order to honor His salvation--fearing that there need be quietness which may imply that struggles aren't still ongoing and battles sometimes lost (while yet acknowledging that struggles have vastly changed from what once was life's norm)?

I can only increasingly attest my own wretchedness because of the grief which sin yet inspires under weight of the desire to honor my gracious God and King with my all, while ever realizing and embracing His mercies and salvation all the more. And I do not want to dwell on these things, and will not do so, either.

But there is a time for remembering Egypt. And it's cyclic. And an ongoing part of being humbled. While also an ongoing part of being healed, per coming to terms increasingly with reality of circumstances...while increasingly finding that those prior effects and circumstances have less and less a claim on present life. All in light of coming to know and cherish Christ more wholly.

So, that's where healing has arisen. And that's why it's possible to more forthrightly acknowledge these things, as the charred carnage which has been laid again and again on the altar of my devotion to Christ. Until it's consumed by His encompassing love, wholly.

And the thing is--I will forever be shaped by these matters. But these scars will increasingly converge to tell a story only of my Savior's love, as He tends the wounds more deeply. His grace has ever been sufficient, and the more clearly aware I am of how truly just He is and of how completely I deserve His wrath, the more gratefully I bow before Him in recognition and rejoicing of His merciful atonement. He paid the debt He didn't owe to give us the life we don't deserve, truly.

All these bits and pieces of the past aren't intended to congeal wholly to represent the entirety of what life was, just enough to clarify my own manners of deviance, of some the paths sought and found false. Leading to Him, ultimately.

Brokenness, Sexuality, Attraction, and the Greatness of Grace

The Lord is teaching me a lot about right relations.

I had not known how very dysfunctional my understanding of and ways of interacting have been. Walking in submission to Christ changes things, seeking direction. Though I fail so often, too, getting caught up in things going on around me or distracted by the very fears or desires of my own fickle heart. Rather than to just walk in remembrance of Christ's love and mercy, walking in the peace of submission to Him and thus in the joy of His presence.

Most formatively, as go conscious-ish things...there's been a preoccupation with romance. I was exposed to and drawn into things which many young children now are, unfortunately and destructively, from the age of three. Sexuality. Incited by an encounter with a family member, at the age of three. Then again with another family member not long after. Then, with other youths who were also obviously also damaged by likewise illicit interactions, at about six and nine. And ongoing, thereafter. All of which was coincided by initiation into an obsession with pornography from the age of three. Which continued until the Lord set me free, June of 2014.

Something of Thomas Payne, I think?, about a "long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives the superficial appearance of being right:" That well-describes the normalization of consumption of pornography and erotica in my life. And also, as some of the illicit abuses were homosexual in nature, they were all the more destructive. It is only by the grace of God that I never wholly entered into that lifestyle, having begun an incremental initiation at the age of either four or five.

All of which was evil. Outside the context of marriage, period. And the bottom line of these things is that sexuality doesn't ultimately define a person, no matter how much it may elicit various responses from others. Gender...is a different matter. And converse to what society now claims, gender is the one genetically determined and unchangeable, while sexuality is a matter which is only rightly expressed as done so in alignment with God's express will. Which means within context of the marriage created as a unification of the two genders unto one flesh. A greater whole, as the sum of diverse parts. A unified diversity. He said He made man in His image--male and female He made them, in His image. So there's something to that which is distinctly ordered to represent God, of that which was ordered unto unity.

I've heard argument from someone professing Christianity who simultaneously attested that witches and various other groups who don't submit to Christ are just as entitled to their own beliefs, their own salvation, as anyone who professes Christianity. But the thing is, we don't get to define God. He is who and how He is, regardless our desire to remake Him in our image. And the problem with seeking Him on our own terms--as I once professed to do, when initially steeping myself in the occult--is that He's the one who has revealed the terms by which we are even able to know Him. If we want to know Him, we may do so. On His terms. Through Jesus Christ, alone.

Point being, no matter how convinced we may feel or claim to be of various matters related to life and godliness, unless we're in alignment with the ultimate authority on these matters, we're deceived.

So even as much as sexuality may seem something that's all-encompassing and all-consuming, it's only a part of the whole which is a human being. Because attraction doesn't indicate suitability or rightness of relationship. I have been learning this the hard way all my life, having been initiated to destructively by family members and same-sex cohorts into the matters. And thereafter having been so utterly consumed with the idea of romance being defined by sexuality that I forsook all reason under the weight of Disney-fueled, erotica-laced hopes for fulfillment in finding a companion.

Of this latter, I have apparently rewritten the narrative of "how that works" so many times and to such extremes under weight of such extreme dysfunction that I can't even discern what the truth is any longer, regarding my own actions and motivations and standards and habits. Except to note very distinctly that they have been wrong. Because--again--not one whit had been endeavored with any actual submission to God or acknowledgement of His actual will.

And I'm still so very confused, of this lattermost--there are so many Christian writings I've perused over the last few years where people have written to the effect that God doesn't directly lead when it comes to a spouse. As somehow, that's something which can't be discerned from Him. So, we just have to do something like "do our best, and hope for the best, and just try to follow Him" despite all the apparent uncertainty when it comes to "choosing a spouse."

That is absolutely mind-boggling. And ridiculous. Of all the things that He would neglect to lead explicitly, regarding?--I'm not sure why or how that which is most explicitly integral to representing Himself and Christ's relationship with His bride would be on "that list." Makes the opposite of sense.

Especially given context of remembering that He leads in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. And, again, explicit context of remembering that this particular relationship is the one ordained to foreshadow and archetype that of Christ and His beloved church. And, again, the becoming of one flesh...makes me pretty sure He'd been deeply involved, as a loving Father, in those with whom His beloved, blood-bought adoptive children align themselves unto such mysterious unity.

But...the whole thing of seeking Him, submitting to Him, trusting Him?: I mean, that's life. Setting Christ apart as Lord, in heart. Thus, Lord of all things which move us and matter to us: Lord of all things which we hope or desire or may ever thus do. Knowing Him is life. Period. He said it. And we're supposed to live in unity, just as a branch on a vine. That's pretty tight.

And walking with Him as thus--depending upon Him, for all things--we may trust He will indeed bring all things within us into subjection to Himself. From image to image we receive of insight into His nature and being and glorious goodness, then thus are we transformed from glory to glory into the beloved image of our blessed Redeemer and King. For even as we see Him, we will then be like Him, for so even as to see Him as He is. And some day, no longer as through a glass darkly, but face to face. Though we have loved Him, even Him whom we have not yet seen.

But He's the one that changes us. Seeking Him, we find Him. And are transformed. The ingrafted word? Dividing asunder. He has to do the things, is all--by His Spirit. But if we are walking according to the flesh, and not the Spirit, we are going to fulfill the desires of the flesh. It's been told us. It's only in walking by His Spirit, setting aside the deeds of the flesh, that we are led by Him. How can we discern spiritual things, then, if we are long accustomed only to heeding the flesh on matters of heart?

I am very deeply convicted on this point, lately. Having never realized the matter, before, that feelings nor attraction equate to godly direction, and heeding either apart from totally submitting to God is not only unwise but an apt means of going astray. Yet these things are compelling. I'd not realized until a week or so ago that I'd spent all my life prior accustomed to believing that romantic feelings or impulses--particular as and when mutual--indicate the right course or direction. This is a lie from the devil, himself. Yet even seeing this and knowing it's so, I know also that it's wholly beyond me to do anything other than seek the Lord's help in the matter. Because such things are utterly consuming, still. Utterly beyond me to resist. Has been, will be.

But Jesus changed my heart, constituting the moment of turning to Him and away from sin, and He has continued to do so ever since. And I trust He will continue to do so, now.

And I did not know the wretchedness and the loathsomeness of sin until the moment when His love became known to me. Cast into sharp contrast by the the light of His being, I saw myself as could only be reflected darkly per the blinding light of grace extended as His presence upon my cross. And seeing how horrific a penalty was meted upon the only one who could never warrant such a thing--for sake of His intent to extend mercy to me?...I loathed sin in that moment, also despairing of all which I was. Never before that moment had I known what it is to truly despair: of sin, of it's utter horror, it's complete--I don't even have words..: Just, to see that which is truly and wholly good and perfect and loving-- Utterly beautiful and desirable of all things which are glorious, above all things else-- Wholly pure-- wholly, wonderfully compassionate and wise and all-knowing?... ...sin is the abject opposite of all those things, and so much worse.

Horrified, in that moment. I was destroyed. Utterly devastated. Completely decimated, to see the wretchedness of my own ways and life and self, under light of love and truth, as to see what my own willfulness and self-indulgence wrought: seeing that His suffering was so to extend me mercy: In that moment, He who is most Beloved was reviled, stricken, and utterly abused so that I--the most wicked and defiled and defiling and craven and despicable of creatures--might receive mercy. By His compassionate self-sacrifice--His knowing and wholly aware self-sacrifice unto satisfying my debt---such an unwarranted and wholly incomprehensible travesty...He would extend--to me?--such unwavering love as mercy?

I was destroyed. Everything I was, was destroyed by the greatness of His love.

And, so, I loathed sin. And despair of it, still. Despairing to grieve the most Beloved and to ever grieve those whom He loves. Despairing to fall so short of Him. Oft due to distraction.

And this whole, grand corner of life which is considered romance is a vast mine field of distraction for me. For so, so many of us, though. Thus to be despaired of in the light of knowing His mercies and seeking His help. So, He's been teaching me, despite myself.

And the most recent, blatant realization is that attraction or developing feeling for someone neither one constitutes a reason for romantic relationship: These matters of heart or flesh don't constitute justification for acceptance/encouragement of a romantic pursuit, nor do they constitute justification for pursuing someone romantically. These things do not indicate God's will in a matter. Nor give justification for actions on any such matters. All of the which has sub-points which have been painfully extrapolated.

Being pursued by someone attractive doesn't constitute reason for a relationship. And I'm not limiting attraction to merely physical--many things are attractive to many people, to varying extents. Intelligence is a commonly touted point. Humor is often remarked. And so on, and so forth. Superficial details don't indicate compatibility, regardless of "feelings" of affinity for a person. Feelings are weird: They're fickle, and they can often obscure pertinent details per light of what would be preferred to be believed. But the thing is, we are feeling beings. But we're also sinful, so things aren't operating without impairment.

I used to manipulate, suppress, and manipulate my emotions unto "optimal" blankness...all of which is madness. Truly. Leads to some serious problems. Coming out of that, to a point of feeling without expecting to feel...has been very disconcerting. So much has seemed utterly overwhelming, so I had taken to the opposite extreme wherein I've been equating the mere experience of "feeling" to indicate significance of a godly sort. No. Feeling, itself, doesn't equate to direction.

Feelings in and of themselves need to be brought to the Lord--and how quickly I had forgotten that in initially walking with Him, it was a feeling of urgency and fear which often attempted to compel me toward particular actions and particular interpretations of Scripture which so often eventually served as indication, themselves, of propulsion unto error.

So emotions are to be brought unto the Lord seeking subjection to Christ, so to be renewed every bit as much as the mind. He reveals and clarifies our hearts motions, unto repentance and conformity to Christ.

So...I had still been very much living under the light of the world's wisdom regarding romance, blindly so until very recently. I had been attempting to cast a godly light on such matters by prayerfully desiring God's will be done along the course, rather than submitting wholly from the outset and asking Him to change my heart so that I would sincerely desire for Him to conform my desires to His will.

Because Christ comes first. Period.

Because even as much as being pursued by someone with whom there is attraction isn't indication of rightness or of God's will, then neither is pursuing someone, likewise. And this latter is still a particularly sore point: I have been very self-deceived on this particular, thinking myself free from the modern error of initiating pursuit as a female. That is not God's will.

Of which, there's the fact of the matter that sowing error in from the outset will surely reap erroneous results. Not that the Lord might not redeem and have mercy--He is so very merciful--but adding brokenness from the outset as the fundamental operating dynamic of a matter is not at all even remotely beneficial.

So thirdly, it doesn't really matter if there are either attraction, "feelings," or both, if there's not compatibility as regards the most fundamental and primary values and principles. Most specifically, as a foremost matter for myself--as this is the core desire of my heart, thus constitutes the foremost of all points when prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance of whether to encourage pursuit--If I am living life as a disciple of Christ and trusting Him to guide and lead, moment by moment, then there's a fundamental incompatibility of morality and values when compared to someone with a five-year plan which hasn't come from God, Himself. Even if they do know Him. Or just claim to know Him. As even of anyone who is not actively seeking and trusting that the Lord will lead. While all the while knowing the need to work out salvation with fear and trembling and to hold fast to pattern of sound words. Even knowing that He who has called us is faithful and will continue the work in us until the day of Christ.

There are so many points of division, is the thing. But that's the foremost, of myself, and where I've faltered a few times already since walking with the Lord--thinking that merely meeting a professing Christian who seems to be pursuing me, then it must obviously be the Lord's will. All the while ignoring constant distractions from Christ. And ignoring encouragement unto things which, for me, are sin. Yeah, no. There's probably some leeway for doctrinal beliefs, but fundamentals which are utterly imperative to me...unless two be agreed, how can they travel together?

I am grateful the Lord has made me odd enough that I'm not equipped to easily fall into a relationship with just anyone who would pursue me--whether due to unthinkingly sabotaging things or simply not knowing or understanding how to rightly proceed. Because as many attempts as I've made, there's never been successful long-term interaction.

So, I'm trusting the Lord that if or when He does ever intend for me to actually marry, He'll line things out. Because I'm entirely incapable of proceeding wisely or with any reasonable idea of how to navigate the course.

Except...that I do now know that emotion isn't the gauge of all things, and I do now know that I would not dare attempt to align myself with or entertain pursuit from someone whose walk with Christ would be a stumbling block to me. These probably seem like pretty simple things, but...for me, they haven't been. And part of that has to do with being a woman, too--we do seem much more given to emotion, and especially the whole deal of romance. That whole "your desire will be for your husband"-proclamation? Yeah, I may have been trying to deny it for a long while, and may have been in a long habit (still am) of believing myself wholly unsuitable for and unsuited to and ill-equipped for and utterly unmarriageable...but I'm also coming to terms with Jesus being Lord of that area, too.

Which means trusting Him with all my brokenness and insufficiencies, all my ineptitude and inability. And trusting Him to guard and to guide me in these matters too, though they terrify me perhaps beyond all things else. If for no other reason than perhaps the depth of emotion and the certain vulnerabilities of intimacy.

I just don't really understand how these things work, still, is all. I'm wrestling them out, before the Lord, by His grace. My ability to discern how to interact with others has been impacted by sinful interactions in youth, and though I've been enlightened to some of the impact as become able to prayerfully walk more healthily...and "normally"...amongst others...I still don't know the depth or end of the dysfunction which remains.  But the Lord has been and is my sanctuary, in the midst of these terrors of life. And in the safety of His presence, I have been and am able to lay down my weapons, have bared my wounds, and seek He reveal the wickedness in me as He tends and heals me. And He has been healing me, is what is so unexpected. I truly didn't know He would. I didn't know healing was possible--and this, as someone who's been in and out of psychiatric and psychologic and social work offices for 20 years.

Thirty-some odd years of damage, none of which was healed by "modern medicine," yet Jesus has enacted so much healing, already. So, I shouldn't think of this as slow-going, to have already experienced any healing. But, there's the desire for completion and total deliverance, unto Him.
Such that any waiting seems long. But I trust Him. And He leads.

So I know He'll line all this mess out. And not just for the sake of preparing me for whatever sort of relationship He would have me enter, but for the sake of bringing Himself glory per being so utterly gracious to me. Me--even me, who so despised Him in so many ways, even by despising myself.

So, I'm very prayerfully considering these things openly here in the midst of seeking greater surrender to God's will as regards someone with whom I have recently been...impressed with, regarding relationship with the Lord and desire for knowledge of Him, even as unto sharing with others.

And I apologize that this post is at the outset full of so much reference to darkness and the workings of sin. I hope and pray that whatever resounds of those matters will lead to seeking Christ for deliverance, yourself. Because He's finally bringing me to the point where shame's grip is loosening enough that I can mention such things--without graphic detail so not to encourage sin--but as to acknowledge sin for what it is. And as to acknowledge that it's utterly horrific and wrong, all of it. And as to acknowledge that the penalty due as consequence is wholly just. While also acknowledging that Jesus Christ, Himself, willingly endured that penalty for me and for whoever else would turn to Him in surrender, seeking forgiveness and mercy. Because He who did not deserve wrath endured it, entering death. And He has overcome. Resurrected to reign, forever. And His offer of salvation remains extended to all who would seek Him, in spirit and truth and sincerity of repentance.

And He's actively still leading me to acknowledge and confront and repent of sin. Unto forgiveness, deliverance, healing. And He'll do the same for all who turn to Him in spirit and in truth.

For as long as we all shall live.

Which reminds me. I was listening to something the other day, can't remember what--some sermon or other, or maybe a snippet during the brief instance of perusing the local Christian radio broadcast...random mention of marital vows, as never before overheard. Apparently, the marital vow is not, "I do," as such indicates an immediacy to the vow particularly inherent that specific moment, but the vow is "I will," as indicates intended ongoing commitment to enduring within the covenantal relationship being entered...such as constitutes the nature of God-given marital covenants: Not a solitary instance of openly acknowledged commitment, but an openly acknowledged commitment to ever endure.

I still maintain that I've erred too much, but I keep being reminded that His grace is greater than all my sin. And that His grace is sufficient. God is the far greater prize, and He's given Himself to redeem me. So self-berating and the like has to end. Not in exchange for self-exaltation, but in exchange for living in the light of loving Christ and being grateful for what He's done and is doing.

So many things. He is good. And however goes or whatever comes, Jesus is enough. Far more than.