I had not known how very dysfunctional my understanding of and ways of interacting have been. Walking in submission to Christ changes things, seeking direction. Though I fail so often, too, getting caught up in things going on around me or distracted by the very fears or desires of my own fickle heart. Rather than to just walk in remembrance of Christ's love and mercy, walking in the peace of submission to Him and thus in the joy of His presence.
Most formatively, as go conscious-ish things...there's been a preoccupation with romance. I was exposed to and drawn into things which many young children now are, unfortunately and destructively, from the age of three. Sexuality. Incited by an encounter with a family member, at the age of three. Then again with another family member not long after. Then, with other youths who were also obviously also damaged by likewise illicit interactions, at about six and nine. And ongoing, thereafter. All of which was coincided by initiation into an obsession with pornography from the age of three. Which continued until the Lord set me free, June of 2014.
Something of Thomas Payne, I think?, about a "long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives the superficial appearance of being right:" That well-describes the normalization of consumption of pornography and erotica in my life. And also, as some of the illicit abuses were homosexual in nature, they were all the more destructive. It is only by the grace of God that I never wholly entered into that lifestyle, having begun an incremental initiation at the age of either four or five.
All of which was evil. Outside the context of marriage, period. And the bottom line of these things is that sexuality doesn't ultimately define a person, no matter how much it may elicit various responses from others. Gender...is a different matter. And converse to what society now claims, gender is the one genetically determined and unchangeable, while sexuality is a matter which is only rightly expressed as done so in alignment with God's express will. Which means within context of the marriage created as a unification of the two genders unto one flesh. A greater whole, as the sum of diverse parts. A unified diversity. He said He made man in His image--male and female He made them, in His image. So there's something to that which is distinctly ordered to represent God, of that which was ordered unto unity.
I've heard argument from someone professing Christianity who simultaneously attested that witches and various other groups who don't submit to Christ are just as entitled to their own beliefs, their own salvation, as anyone who professes Christianity. But the thing is, we don't get to define God. He is who and how He is, regardless our desire to remake Him in our image. And the problem with seeking Him on our own terms--as I once professed to do, when initially steeping myself in the occult--is that He's the one who has revealed the terms by which we are even able to know Him. If we want to know Him, we may do so. On His terms. Through Jesus Christ, alone.
Point being, no matter how convinced we may feel or claim to be of various matters related to life and godliness, unless we're in alignment with the ultimate authority on these matters, we're deceived.
So even as much as sexuality may seem something that's all-encompassing and all-consuming, it's only a part of the whole which is a human being. Because attraction doesn't indicate suitability or rightness of relationship. I have been learning this the hard way all my life, having been initiated to destructively by family members and same-sex cohorts into the matters. And thereafter having been so utterly consumed with the idea of romance being defined by sexuality that I forsook all reason under the weight of Disney-fueled, erotica-laced hopes for fulfillment in finding a companion.
Of this latter, I have apparently rewritten the narrative of "how that works" so many times and to such extremes under weight of such extreme dysfunction that I can't even discern what the truth is any longer, regarding my own actions and motivations and standards and habits. Except to note very distinctly that they have been wrong. Because--again--not one whit had been endeavored with any actual submission to God or acknowledgement of His actual will.
And I'm still so very confused, of this lattermost--there are so many Christian writings I've perused over the last few years where people have written to the effect that God doesn't directly lead when it comes to a spouse. As somehow, that's something which can't be discerned from Him. So, we just have to do something like "do our best, and hope for the best, and just try to follow Him" despite all the apparent uncertainty when it comes to "choosing a spouse."
That is absolutely mind-boggling. And ridiculous. Of all the things that He would neglect to lead explicitly, regarding?--I'm not sure why or how that which is most explicitly integral to representing Himself and Christ's relationship with His bride would be on "that list." Makes the opposite of sense.
Especially given context of remembering that He leads in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. And, again, explicit context of remembering that this particular relationship is the one ordained to foreshadow and archetype that of Christ and His beloved church. And, again, the becoming of one flesh...makes me pretty sure He'd been deeply involved, as a loving Father, in those with whom His beloved, blood-bought adoptive children align themselves unto such mysterious unity.
But...the whole thing of seeking Him, submitting to Him, trusting Him?: I mean, that's life. Setting Christ apart as Lord, in heart. Thus, Lord of all things which move us and matter to us: Lord of all things which we hope or desire or may ever thus do. Knowing Him is life. Period. He said it. And we're supposed to live in unity, just as a branch on a vine. That's pretty tight.
And walking with Him as thus--depending upon Him, for all things--we may trust He will indeed bring all things within us into subjection to Himself. From image to image we receive of insight into His nature and being and glorious goodness, then thus are we transformed from glory to glory into the beloved image of our blessed Redeemer and King. For even as we see Him, we will then be like Him, for so even as to see Him as He is. And some day, no longer as through a glass darkly, but face to face. Though we have loved Him, even Him whom we have not yet seen.
But He's the one that changes us. Seeking Him, we find Him. And are transformed. The ingrafted word? Dividing asunder. He has to do the things, is all--by His Spirit. But if we are walking according to the flesh, and not the Spirit, we are going to fulfill the desires of the flesh. It's been told us. It's only in walking by His Spirit, setting aside the deeds of the flesh, that we are led by Him. How can we discern spiritual things, then, if we are long accustomed only to heeding the flesh on matters of heart?
I am very deeply convicted on this point, lately. Having never realized the matter, before, that feelings nor attraction equate to godly direction, and heeding either apart from totally submitting to God is not only unwise but an apt means of going astray. Yet these things are compelling. I'd not realized until a week or so ago that I'd spent all my life prior accustomed to believing that romantic feelings or impulses--particular as and when mutual--indicate the right course or direction. This is a lie from the devil, himself. Yet even seeing this and knowing it's so, I know also that it's wholly beyond me to do anything other than seek the Lord's help in the matter. Because such things are utterly consuming, still. Utterly beyond me to resist. Has been, will be.
But Jesus changed my heart, constituting the moment of turning to Him and away from sin, and He has continued to do so ever since. And I trust He will continue to do so, now.
And I did not know the wretchedness and the loathsomeness of sin until the moment when His love became known to me. Cast into sharp contrast by the the light of His being, I saw myself as could only be reflected darkly per the blinding light of grace extended as His presence upon my cross. And seeing how horrific a penalty was meted upon the only one who could never warrant such a thing--for sake of His intent to extend mercy to me?...I loathed sin in that moment, also despairing of all which I was. Never before that moment had I known what it is to truly despair: of sin, of it's utter horror, it's complete--I don't even have words..: Just, to see that which is truly and wholly good and perfect and loving-- Utterly beautiful and desirable of all things which are glorious, above all things else-- Wholly pure-- wholly, wonderfully compassionate and wise and all-knowing?... ...sin is the abject opposite of all those things, and so much worse.
Horrified, in that moment. I was destroyed. Utterly devastated. Completely decimated, to see the wretchedness of my own ways and life and self, under light of love and truth, as to see what my own willfulness and self-indulgence wrought: seeing that His suffering was so to extend me mercy: In that moment, He who is most Beloved was reviled, stricken, and utterly abused so that I--the most wicked and defiled and defiling and craven and despicable of creatures--might receive mercy. By His compassionate self-sacrifice--His knowing and wholly aware self-sacrifice unto satisfying my debt---such an unwarranted and wholly incomprehensible travesty...He would extend--to me?--such unwavering love as mercy?
I was destroyed. Everything I was, was destroyed by the greatness of His love.
And, so, I loathed sin. And despair of it, still. Despairing to grieve the most Beloved and to ever grieve those whom He loves. Despairing to fall so short of Him. Oft due to distraction.
And this whole, grand corner of life which is considered romance is a vast mine field of distraction for me. For so, so many of us, though. Thus to be despaired of in the light of knowing His mercies and seeking His help. So, He's been teaching me, despite myself.
And the most recent, blatant realization is that attraction or developing feeling for someone neither one constitutes a reason for romantic relationship: These matters of heart or flesh don't constitute justification for acceptance/encouragement of a romantic pursuit, nor do they constitute justification for pursuing someone romantically. These things do not indicate God's will in a matter. Nor give justification for actions on any such matters. All of the which has sub-points which have been painfully extrapolated.
Being pursued by someone attractive doesn't constitute reason for a relationship. And I'm not limiting attraction to merely physical--many things are attractive to many people, to varying extents. Intelligence is a commonly touted point. Humor is often remarked. And so on, and so forth. Superficial details don't indicate compatibility, regardless of "feelings" of affinity for a person. Feelings are weird: They're fickle, and they can often obscure pertinent details per light of what would be preferred to be believed. But the thing is, we are feeling beings. But we're also sinful, so things aren't operating without impairment.
I used to manipulate, suppress, and manipulate my emotions unto "optimal" blankness...all of which is madness. Truly. Leads to some serious problems. Coming out of that, to a point of feeling without expecting to feel...has been very disconcerting. So much has seemed utterly overwhelming, so I had taken to the opposite extreme wherein I've been equating the mere experience of "feeling" to indicate significance of a godly sort. No. Feeling, itself, doesn't equate to direction.
Feelings in and of themselves need to be brought to the Lord--and how quickly I had forgotten that in initially walking with Him, it was a feeling of urgency and fear which often attempted to compel me toward particular actions and particular interpretations of Scripture which so often eventually served as indication, themselves, of propulsion unto error.
So emotions are to be brought unto the Lord seeking subjection to Christ, so to be renewed every bit as much as the mind. He reveals and clarifies our hearts motions, unto repentance and conformity to Christ.
So...I had still been very much living under the light of the world's wisdom regarding romance, blindly so until very recently. I had been attempting to cast a godly light on such matters by prayerfully desiring God's will be done along the course, rather than submitting wholly from the outset and asking Him to change my heart so that I would sincerely desire for Him to conform my desires to His will.
Because Christ comes first. Period.
Because even as much as being pursued by someone with whom there is attraction isn't indication of rightness or of God's will, then neither is pursuing someone, likewise. And this latter is still a particularly sore point: I have been very self-deceived on this particular, thinking myself free from the modern error of initiating pursuit as a female. That is not God's will.
Of which, there's the fact of the matter that sowing error in from the outset will surely reap erroneous results. Not that the Lord might not redeem and have mercy--He is so very merciful--but adding brokenness from the outset as the fundamental operating dynamic of a matter is not at all even remotely beneficial.
So thirdly, it doesn't really matter if there are either attraction, "feelings," or both, if there's not compatibility as regards the most fundamental and primary values and principles. Most specifically, as a foremost matter for myself--as this is the core desire of my heart, thus constitutes the foremost of all points when prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance of whether to encourage pursuit--If I am living life as a disciple of Christ and trusting Him to guide and lead, moment by moment, then there's a fundamental incompatibility of morality and values when compared to someone with a five-year plan which hasn't come from God, Himself. Even if they do know Him. Or just claim to know Him. As even of anyone who is not actively seeking and trusting that the Lord will lead. While all the while knowing the need to work out salvation with fear and trembling and to hold fast to pattern of sound words. Even knowing that He who has called us is faithful and will continue the work in us until the day of Christ.
There are so many points of division, is the thing. But that's the foremost, of myself, and where I've faltered a few times already since walking with the Lord--thinking that merely meeting a professing Christian who seems to be pursuing me, then it must obviously be the Lord's will. All the while ignoring constant distractions from Christ. And ignoring encouragement unto things which, for me, are sin. Yeah, no. There's probably some leeway for doctrinal beliefs, but fundamentals which are utterly imperative to me...unless two be agreed, how can they travel together?
I am grateful the Lord has made me odd enough that I'm not equipped to easily fall into a relationship with just anyone who would pursue me--whether due to unthinkingly sabotaging things or simply not knowing or understanding how to rightly proceed. Because as many attempts as I've made, there's never been successful long-term interaction.
So, I'm trusting the Lord that if or when He does ever intend for me to actually marry, He'll line things out. Because I'm entirely incapable of proceeding wisely or with any reasonable idea of how to navigate the course.
Except...that I do now know that emotion isn't the gauge of all things, and I do now know that I would not dare attempt to align myself with or entertain pursuit from someone whose walk with Christ would be a stumbling block to me. These probably seem like pretty simple things, but...for me, they haven't been. And part of that has to do with being a woman, too--we do seem much more given to emotion, and especially the whole deal of romance. That whole "your desire will be for your husband"-proclamation? Yeah, I may have been trying to deny it for a long while, and may have been in a long habit (still am) of believing myself wholly unsuitable for and unsuited to and ill-equipped for and utterly unmarriageable...but I'm also coming to terms with Jesus being Lord of that area, too.
Which means trusting Him with all my brokenness and insufficiencies, all my ineptitude and inability. And trusting Him to guard and to guide me in these matters too, though they terrify me perhaps beyond all things else. If for no other reason than perhaps the depth of emotion and the certain vulnerabilities of intimacy.
I just don't really understand how these things work, still, is all. I'm wrestling them out, before the Lord, by His grace. My ability to discern how to interact with others has been impacted by sinful interactions in youth, and though I've been enlightened to some of the impact as become able to prayerfully walk more healthily...and "normally"...amongst others...I still don't know the depth or end of the dysfunction which remains. But the Lord has been and is my sanctuary, in the midst of these terrors of life. And in the safety of His presence, I have been and am able to lay down my weapons, have bared my wounds, and seek He reveal the wickedness in me as He tends and heals me. And He has been healing me, is what is so unexpected. I truly didn't know He would. I didn't know healing was possible--and this, as someone who's been in and out of psychiatric and psychologic and social work offices for 20 years.
Thirty-some odd years of damage, none of which was healed by "modern medicine," yet Jesus has enacted so much healing, already. So, I shouldn't think of this as slow-going, to have already experienced any healing. But, there's the desire for completion and total deliverance, unto Him.
Such that any waiting seems long. But I trust Him. And He leads.
So I know He'll line all this mess out. And not just for the sake of preparing me for whatever sort of relationship He would have me enter, but for the sake of bringing Himself glory per being so utterly gracious to me. Me--even me, who so despised Him in so many ways, even by despising myself.
So, I'm very prayerfully considering these things openly here in the midst of seeking greater surrender to God's will as regards someone with whom I have recently been...impressed with, regarding relationship with the Lord and desire for knowledge of Him, even as unto sharing with others.
And I apologize that this post is at the outset full of so much reference to darkness and the workings of sin. I hope and pray that whatever resounds of those matters will lead to seeking Christ for deliverance, yourself. Because He's finally bringing me to the point where shame's grip is loosening enough that I can mention such things--without graphic detail so not to encourage sin--but as to acknowledge sin for what it is. And as to acknowledge that it's utterly horrific and wrong, all of it. And as to acknowledge that the penalty due as consequence is wholly just. While also acknowledging that Jesus Christ, Himself, willingly endured that penalty for me and for whoever else would turn to Him in surrender, seeking forgiveness and mercy. Because He who did not deserve wrath endured it, entering death. And He has overcome. Resurrected to reign, forever. And His offer of salvation remains extended to all who would seek Him, in spirit and truth and sincerity of repentance.
And He's actively still leading me to acknowledge and confront and repent of sin. Unto forgiveness, deliverance, healing. And He'll do the same for all who turn to Him in spirit and in truth.
For as long as we all shall live.
Which reminds me. I was listening to something the other day, can't remember what--some sermon or other, or maybe a snippet during the brief instance of perusing the local Christian radio broadcast...random mention of marital vows, as never before overheard. Apparently, the marital vow is not, "I do," as such indicates an immediacy to the vow particularly inherent that specific moment, but the vow is "I will," as indicates intended ongoing commitment to enduring within the covenantal relationship being entered...such as constitutes the nature of God-given marital covenants: Not a solitary instance of openly acknowledged commitment, but an openly acknowledged commitment to ever endure.
I still maintain that I've erred too much, but I keep being reminded that His grace is greater than all my sin. And that His grace is sufficient. God is the far greater prize, and He's given Himself to redeem me. So self-berating and the like has to end. Not in exchange for self-exaltation, but in exchange for living in the light of loving Christ and being grateful for what He's done and is doing.
So many things. He is good. And however goes or whatever comes, Jesus is enough. Far more than.
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