He gives grace to endure. Despite circumstances which might seem oppressive beyond measure. He will renew our strength. In the stillness, the quiet place of rest within His love.
There's such great need, in so many directions. Seeming insurmountable, impossible to even begin.
But there is a way, in Christ. Forward, slowly, incrementally by His leading. Even asking Him to send more into the field, all the while.
Time aside with the Lord is vital. As is time spent aside with Him poring over His Word vital.
First beginning to walk with Him, in earnest, there wasn't much time spent devotedly aside. Bits and pieces, here and there. And pondering, on the side--prayerfully. Time talking with Him. So much was so utterly incomprehensible (and all the moreso, now, except to have a deeper trust per increasing in knowledge of who He is).
There's still such a struggle, sometimes, to remain devoted to time with Him in the mornings and evenings (and in between). All the more to be turned from demeaning or undermining or looking down on any who aren't consistently turned to His Word and time spent alone with Jesus...realizing that even devotion on that front is by grace.
Part of yesterday's distress may come from wrongly interpreting the exhortation to devote to ministry alongside brothers and sisters, as a work unto the Lord. I'll gladly do what He would have me do, given the entire process will have to be in His strength or otherwise will be self-destructive.
But there's no point committing to something out of a misplaced zeal to do something, just so long as it's doing.
He gives me strength to make it through the occupation to which He's called me, if yet still enduring panic, spiritual attacks, and oppression. And He blessedly has given so many opportunities to fellowship with saints--beyond gathering for worship and edification in the Word--these past many months.
This, in addition to the group which I meet with on Saturdays, and in addition to my couple long-distance sisters in Christ--meeting via phone for periodic, ongoing fellowship.
It came to mind last night and has again just now, something one of the pastors whom I periodically listen to said about the ways of the Lord. Sometimes, He leads by allowing distress and difficulty to come in. Such that, given our own way, we'd never pack up camp and enter new lands. We're perfectly content to let things remain as they are, even if oftentimes with suffering--just anything, rather than to change.
He made a comparison of sorts to the Israelites in the desert, who followed the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire. The cloud shielded them from the burning sun. The fire gave them warmth by night. Otherwise conditions would have been unendurably harsh, in other words.
So, for varied periods of time, they would shelter under the pillar of cloud by day and fire by night in a specific location. But once the pillars moved, they had to pack up camp and follow. Not only as an overt act of obedience in following God, but as otherwise they were left totally exposed to the harsh desert climate, increasingly to their detriment.
Recently read through a Psalm which discussed how those pillars shielded from the harsh desert elements. But the point of the pastor's message was that we, as human beings, become complacent and comfortable--willing to endure difficulties, even, just for the sake of refraining from change. The Lord in His mercy refuses to let us become dormant and stagnant, though.
His will for us is that we be transformed--ever increasingly conformed to the image of Himself. Unto loving obedience, resting upon His power, abiding in His love. Trusting Him. He calls us into varied unfamiliar places as part of that process, where we have absolutely no choice except to trust Him for guidance and for provision in the midst of total uncertainty and unfamiliarity (and often suffering).
Someone recently called it "being stretched." Which, going back to likening Him as our potter...then, yes. Pulled up, stretched into the shape of a vessel fitted to His desired use.
And the process hurts. And it's disconcerting. And the process brings impurities to the surface, too--fear and selfishness and coarseness and anxiety and despair come into the light for scrutiny unto surrender to His sanctifying work in us.
He gives grace to endure the process, though. And it's a far better place to be collapsed before Him crying out for mercy and help, rather than attempting to determine what's going on or why or erroneously attempting to influence the process.
I used to spend a lot of time attempting to chart the best course, navigate and plan for hurdles, mitigate damage along the way, and succeed in accomplishing what seemed right and good. Mercifully, the Lord let me fall apart under the strain of realizing myself incapable of accomplishing good in my own strength--again and again. Mercifully, He allowed me to come to realize my own independent understanding falls too far short to allow for adequate comprehension, unto even a knowledge of what is right.
He knows what's necessary for each of us to come to surrender to a knowledge of His sovereignty and goodness, though. He will lead us into deeper knowledge of Him, as we long to know truth.
And I haven't even the strength to refrain from being tossed to and fro under pressure of the good intentions of others, except that He intervene. Even "knowing better," still I've fallen prey so many times.
So, all I do know to do is trust Him. And ask Him for help in continuing to draw nearer Him. And ask Him for help to desire His will and be obedient. And trust Him to lead me through whatever He would have me do.
With whatever comes, I will trust the Lord. Just asking that for His own name's sake He direct and guide me in what He would have me do. Trusting He would keep me from messing things up or complicating blessed simplicity per my erstwhile, pernicious, lingering confusions (awaiting His deliverance).
There's no a lot of impact a single grain of sand has on the turning of the tide, though (Read: Practically none). So, there's that to find rest in...even still being concerned over the influence each unto each, as particles yet come in contact one with another. But even there, I've been told to trust the Lord's keeping of each of us whom He loves.
And my mess is nothing, in the scheme of things. My difficulties are trivial--I know this, yet become so utterly overwhelmed by them that they loom very large. Even knowing there are those elsewhere who will perhaps lose their lives tonight for the sake of owning Christ. Blessed brothers and sisters, someday to meet.
Maybe I do need to be more involved in serving others. I'd like to be, but it's beyond me to muster the strength to be consistent in serving. I will be praying. I don't want to be conformed to the image of others, but of the Lord. Yet He served so diligently, constantly, and tirelessly in His three years of ministry...and likely with just as much fervor did He work, beforehand. If He wants me to do, then He'll lead me into what, where, and unto whom.
I've already been praying for an opportunity to enter one area, all summer. And found out a month ago that there's already present activity on that front, at least monthly, at current church. So, have been praying since. Perhaps there, as He wills.
Because there whole deal need be led and maintained by Him, otherwise pride will crop up. This world is utterly geared toward celebrating personal activity and busyness, at the expense of honoring God's leading.
Even in terms of committing to a church, though, unless the Lord give peace--I just won't. Last night brought remembrance again of my intent in Tampa to join the two churches where I was regularly attending and involved with activities. Didn't make sense not to be able to join both, being equally involved. Came to know Christ during span while only attending the one, then baptized at the other. Both seemed precious, neither excludable.
So, over course of a couple weeks, I decided to begin the process of joining them both. Then, the process of being relocated out of state pretty much immediately began. And every time I think about joining a church, it comes to mind in such a way that part of moving was being relocated away from intent to make a public covenant with churches apart from the Lord's leading to take such a step.
Relocation wasn't all about preventing membership, no. But it factored on some level.
So, I don't take it lightly.
I want to have somewhere to be. A family. Somewhere I belong, moreover, as an integral part. But not at my own discretion--at the Lord's. So, if not till eternity, then howsoever He wills. He'll give me grace to endure.
But at the very least, maybe He'll direct to enter service on the front that's been a point of prayer for the past few months. And then eventually perhaps on the front which I've requested assistance. Because it certainly came to mind as such, last night, mentioning it the second time. Disconcertingly so.
But I can't do these things. I can't even manage to maintain daily life in my own strength. I'm glad He's willing to help on all fronts.
The pastor of the second church in Tampa, though--there was something he said that really caught, as far as exhortation to those who were single. Banishing the stigma, exhorting us to redeem the time allotted us as unhindered by the concerns of a family toward service to the Lord.
"Go hard for God," is how he cemented the point.
So, yeah. One step at a time.
He'll lead.
He has to--I'm too confused and distressed to manage to park a car well, most days (especially recently), let alone being able to even hope to help people oppressed and confused and in need of encouragement or even practical helps.
But He'll have His way. So, I'm not going to worry about it.
Far more important things I'm abjectly refusing to worry about or being anxious over, as it goes.
Certainly not going to let this bit make the cut.
Blessed exhaustion! I'd never dreamed I could become grateful for exhaustion. Yay! Certainly one effective, if odd, means of whittling down activities and thoughts to those which seem or are most necessary and beneficial.
I'm so grateful He's in control. We really--none of us--have anything to be anxious over. He has all things perfectly in hand, and we don't need to be concerned except with pursuing Him and honoring Him with our hearts, thoughts, and lives. Loving Him, loving others.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Songs: Courageous - Casting Crowns, Shane & Shane - Oceans, Chris Bray - Here I Am, Lord
Had not heard this song in a long while. Have not wanted to hear it, either yesterday or today, and yet it keeps playing. Well enough. I'll go listen to it. And actually listen.
Same of this:
The Hillsong version was the first song that caught after having come to know Christ. Anthem for a good bit, but I've been neglecting it for...oh, months, maybe?
This song has been the anthem--resounded so deeply the solitary encounter as a youth, continued to sing the chorus still with all my heart (wholeheartedly yet blindly, yes) over the years wandering against the Lord:
Sad that not all the verses are included. *sigh* But well enough, for now.
Our God is Merciful and Just
Just made a complete fool of myself in front of the church elders, one by one. Providing slight articulation of overall struggles, and having it seem strange--yup.
Staggering sideways as though intoxicated or unwell--yup...thanks vertigo.
Being unable to refrain from crying, in the midst of a mere greeting--oh, yes.
Totally incapable of articulating what the struggle in, while nonetheless attempting speech--of course.
Self-referential, prideful mention of events which have no reference to current discussion--why not.
Cowering in fear when being given a moment to disclose a burden--sure.
And only the Lord knows what all else, in the mix.
Defensiveness, argumentativeness, and boasting, surely.
Probably a harsh tone, too, unawares.
So much may just be a matter of being lonely. And that rankles. Especially in contemplation of having the fellowship of the Lord's presence.
It's not as though my schedule allows for anything more than there is, at this point. It's not as though I don't engage in conversation with people, when there's opportunity. It's not as though I'm not involved in ongoing, regular interaction even with other saints.
So why such a burden of loneliness, still? I mean, there was even opportunity to speak with a friend from elsewhere for a couple hours, last night, via phone. And all day yesterday was spent in service and fellowship. And all day today, too.
And even conversation with one of roommates has been such a blessed and somewhat regular event.
So I don't understand this. Or maybe there's something more specific, and I'm just not seeing clearly?
I don't walk alone. I enter fellowship as often as it's possible.
Prior to having breakdown, one fellow and his wife were talking to me about the grace of the Lord being manifested more blatantly during service unto others. Am I not serving enough?
With what energy am I to serve? Unless the Lord gives strength and makes opportunity available as with yesterday, how am I to serve?
Except that I finally cried out for mercy, that the Lord would help, I hadn't even been managing to enter other, far more vital matters over the past couple weeks. He'd been maintaining me through other means, over the while, but finally restored me to ability to undertake other, vital matters mid-week this past.
I will do whatever He would have me do, but it will have to be in His strength--I have none. Even managing to take part in conversation requires intervention, so very, very often.
And yet there are others, even, who have endured far more trying situations and who are enduring far more grievous sufferings.
Lord, I don't know what You would have me do.
I don't know what You want of me.
The only strength I have is what You give.
And the only peace I have is Yours.
I have no reason for getting up in the morning, other than You.
I don't know to do, Father.
I'm scared. I feel so very alone, even knowing it's not the case.
I feel so very confused and conflicted, even knowing my rest is in You.
Help me, Lord. Direct me, Father.
Show me what You have me do.
I don't know. And I'm tired of falling apart and falling into error for not seeking Your will from the outset.
I'm weary of being weary for struggling in my own strength.
I don't even understand this pain, Lord.
I don't understand what I'm longing for.
What is this? What am I in need of?
What would You have me do?
You've told me You will provide for me.
That You will take care of me, protect me, give me strength, and keep me near.
And You have, and I thank You.
I give You praise before the nations, dearest Savior.
Noting my needs are even far less than others, Lord.
Help them. Shield them. Protect them, from without and within.
Keep their hearts and minds fixed on You, Dearest Lord.
You are our all, Jesus. We have no one and nothing, truly, apart from You.
So direct their steps and their thoughts. Please, Lord.
Have mercy on us who love You.
Let Your love invade the pain, the heartache, the fear.
Let Your love banish the darkness which seeks to overwhelm.
Let Your love be a shelter in the midst of these storms.
A haven of constant refuge and sustenance, in the midst of all uncertainty.
Direct us, Lord. We would be crushed by our enemies, except that Your strength restrains.
Direct us in Your ways. Let not the oppressed who love You ever be ashamed.
Glorify Yourself through us, in us, and through the manifest of Your will unto us.
Let those who would stand against You be aghast, seeing Your power to save.
Have mercy on us, Lord.
Staggering sideways as though intoxicated or unwell--yup...thanks vertigo.
Being unable to refrain from crying, in the midst of a mere greeting--oh, yes.
Totally incapable of articulating what the struggle in, while nonetheless attempting speech--of course.
Self-referential, prideful mention of events which have no reference to current discussion--why not.
Cowering in fear when being given a moment to disclose a burden--sure.
And only the Lord knows what all else, in the mix.
Defensiveness, argumentativeness, and boasting, surely.
Probably a harsh tone, too, unawares.
So much may just be a matter of being lonely. And that rankles. Especially in contemplation of having the fellowship of the Lord's presence.
It's not as though my schedule allows for anything more than there is, at this point. It's not as though I don't engage in conversation with people, when there's opportunity. It's not as though I'm not involved in ongoing, regular interaction even with other saints.
So why such a burden of loneliness, still? I mean, there was even opportunity to speak with a friend from elsewhere for a couple hours, last night, via phone. And all day yesterday was spent in service and fellowship. And all day today, too.
And even conversation with one of roommates has been such a blessed and somewhat regular event.
So I don't understand this. Or maybe there's something more specific, and I'm just not seeing clearly?
I don't walk alone. I enter fellowship as often as it's possible.
Prior to having breakdown, one fellow and his wife were talking to me about the grace of the Lord being manifested more blatantly during service unto others. Am I not serving enough?
With what energy am I to serve? Unless the Lord gives strength and makes opportunity available as with yesterday, how am I to serve?
Except that I finally cried out for mercy, that the Lord would help, I hadn't even been managing to enter other, far more vital matters over the past couple weeks. He'd been maintaining me through other means, over the while, but finally restored me to ability to undertake other, vital matters mid-week this past.
I will do whatever He would have me do, but it will have to be in His strength--I have none. Even managing to take part in conversation requires intervention, so very, very often.
And yet there are others, even, who have endured far more trying situations and who are enduring far more grievous sufferings.
Lord, I don't know what You would have me do.
I don't know what You want of me.
The only strength I have is what You give.
And the only peace I have is Yours.
I have no reason for getting up in the morning, other than You.
I don't know to do, Father.
I'm scared. I feel so very alone, even knowing it's not the case.
I feel so very confused and conflicted, even knowing my rest is in You.
Help me, Lord. Direct me, Father.
Show me what You have me do.
I don't know. And I'm tired of falling apart and falling into error for not seeking Your will from the outset.
I'm weary of being weary for struggling in my own strength.
I don't even understand this pain, Lord.
I don't understand what I'm longing for.
What is this? What am I in need of?
What would You have me do?
You've told me You will provide for me.
That You will take care of me, protect me, give me strength, and keep me near.
And You have, and I thank You.
I give You praise before the nations, dearest Savior.
Noting my needs are even far less than others, Lord.
Help them. Shield them. Protect them, from without and within.
Keep their hearts and minds fixed on You, Dearest Lord.
You are our all, Jesus. We have no one and nothing, truly, apart from You.
So direct their steps and their thoughts. Please, Lord.
Have mercy on us who love You.
Let Your love invade the pain, the heartache, the fear.
Let Your love banish the darkness which seeks to overwhelm.
Let Your love be a shelter in the midst of these storms.
A haven of constant refuge and sustenance, in the midst of all uncertainty.
Direct us, Lord. We would be crushed by our enemies, except that Your strength restrains.
Direct us in Your ways. Let not the oppressed who love You ever be ashamed.
Glorify Yourself through us, in us, and through the manifest of Your will unto us.
Let those who would stand against You be aghast, seeing Your power to save.
Have mercy on us, Lord.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Friday, October 28, 2016
Desperately Seeking Jesus (By Grace)
So many things going on. If I again attempt to poke at them, to sort through according to my own understanding, I'll be a wreck. The Lord has very graciously been allowing me to only experience the very fringes of that latter--moments where my mind still is attempting to grasp for comprehension, again.
There are bits and pieces I'm aware of, yes--I'm aware He's still working out a lot of damage and trauma and coarseness and hardness and callousness and mistrust. Bit by bit, very gradually broadening my awareness. Without needing me to remain constantly cognizant of where I'm at, in the process. And, really, remaining trusting of the Lord seems to be far, exceedingly more helpful than otherwise attempts to hold onto where things are and where I'm at in processing the past.
Things come to mind--memories--and there's sorrow and pain and some amount of shock, moreover. But, increasingly, there's awareness of my Father's love, in the midst. Such that the pain and all else is regarded from a position of security and comfort, rather than from one of continued fear and uncertainty.
So, it's okay to look at the pain. It's okay to feel it. Because it can't crush me beyond Christ's ability to maintain shattered, broken, devastated pieces within the encompassing, abiding, overpowering presence of His sovereign love.
Rather than continuing to attempt to convince myself "I don't care," as had long been the score when pain and rejection were especially overwhelming...He has continually turned me to recognize that it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to care. It's okay to be utterly devastated, even. While all the while securely resting (being kept) in His love, neither fear or pain can destroy me.
I'm safe.
And there will probably be moments again, in future, when the fire becomes hotter still and when even more fear is driven to the surface, even deeper pains are unveiled...and, if the process thus far has been any indication, I'll possibly be a wretched, grieving, lamenting, anxiety-ridden, perhaps caustic, frantic mess again...till He again brings me to a position of having brought all such matters into subjection to the truth of who He is and the truth of His will toward me. Bring me to rest in Him and abide in His love in the midst of whatsoever chaos has been revealed.
Skimming dross. Again and again. Hotter fire, to separate.
I trust my Lord. I have trusted Him with my life, my heart, my soul, my mind, and all my strength (even if moments at a time, at the least--yet increasingly deeply and more encompassingly as a lasting whole).
I have nothing, apart from Him and whatsoever He so graciously allots for howsoever long a time as He ordains. I am nothing, except for whatsoever He would mold and shape me to be--even redeeming ill from years prior through surrender as unto His use.
And though I fail to maintain complete integrity in pursuit of Him and in honoring Him with all my thoughts, words, and actions at all times...I trust and know He will cleanse me, increasingly, and draw me ever nearer Himself such that obedience will increase in measure to the increase of love for Him.
As He keeps me. As He draws me. As I pursue Him, to whatever lengths or breadths or heights or depths He would be found by me.
I really have absolutely nothing else to do with my life. Distraction does come, time to time, and I do momentarily forget--lose my bearings, and falter from awareness of being His, completely, to direct as He wills.
But life has again and again been taken from me. Again and again, yet only restored at His behest. A constant reminder that it is fleeting and that it is His to give and take as He would will.
It's the same for all of us. Our lives are in His hands. The beating of our heart is to a rhythm He ordained, and He knows its finite number and beautiful cadence intimately.
There is a rhythm to life, and it sings of Him.
For He is good. And His love endures forever.
And being where I am--so seemingly oddly situated and totally isolated from other believers except for blessed moments, aside--is still far "easier" than what the expected alternative was. I'd expected to end up living as a wanderer, already--traveling with a tent and trusting the Lord to direct in how to survive. (There were very small measures taken to attempt to prepare for life of such means, but...the whole really expected abject reliance upon Him.)
I've met one who did as much upon initially coming to know Christ. Wandered into an Indian settlement somewhere in California, proclaiming the Gospel, as part of travels. Though she doesn't know whether the Lord saved any of them, she felt compelled nonetheless.
When I met her--away from where my current residence is, in another state--she had her emergency blinkers on, parked on the side of the road on a backwoods, at night. Wasn't going to stop, but was told to.
She had emergency lights on because she was experiencing a crisis of faith, regarding being led back into civilization--finding it so difficult to walk amongst a society which ignores and refutes God per every gesture, whereas mere rote interaction tends to erode even the most ardent saint's constant, silent thanksgiving unto Him.
He's still leading her, though. Lord willing, there may be more than random messages regarding prayer, at some point.
I could almost and did almost envy her going the literal trek into the wilderness. But I ask the Lord, again and again--it's not what's been given at this point. Maybe some other time. Maybe not at all. I don't know. Same deal regarding maybe, possibly leaving the country.
I will go if He would have me go. But no matter how strong the compulsion, except that He give me leave to act, to move...I'm not going to.
The week I arrived in the town of current residence, there were two whom He led me to as witness. Spent two days, graciously given, telling them of who He is, what He's done in my life, sharing what I've read and experienced and know. They invited me to "go homeless" with them. For so many reasons and primarily of the Lord's restraint...I didn't go.
No apartment to keep me, then. No lease. No contractual obligations--only a new job which was utterly mobile. With a monthly, lifelong stipend sufficient to cover base monthly bills of a very minimal sort.
I was very tempted. But ultimately told them I wasn't my own, as to go.
So, despite the certain fears which amassed in remaining...I stayed here.
Meeting the one last Christmas, though--having blessed fellowship with her for hours after midnight, upon seeking her out in late-night distress regarding abject need for fellowship and unrelenting concern for her wellness--that was part of coming to terms with losing everything again, for sake of having Christ.
I told Him, then, in the presence of one from then-current church...that if pursuing Him wholeheartedly meant losing everything, even the church--thus losing every nearby presence whatsoever constituting fellowship in the Lord, to revert to total isolation--then so be it, I would have Him and nothing else if that was what was required. It did happen.
The whole of life isn't pursuit of some major thing/work to come or about "big stuff" going on. It's about individually needing Him, loving Him, and pursuing right knowledge of God at the expense of all else--just part of being able to know Him as He is, to esteem Him as He is. Because He's glorious and worthy beyond imagining, thus forsaking every distraction is required for ability to see and know Him more clearly--no matter how painful the process of being cleansed of even partial idols. I have so far to go.
I trust Him to cleanse me and to keep me, though: Even something so seemingly basic and utterly vital as reading Scripture isn't something I can manage to muster to maintain diligence in, except that He gives grace. As I pray, He does.
I don't have to understand what all His will is, then--if I can't even manage to maneuver a simple thing like reading, in my own strength, why would it somehow benefit me to understand His machinations of the world or even my own life? Rather, it would distract me all the more, most likely. But I want to understand what He is working--with every fiber of my being, most days, do I want to. But I don't have to in order to have peace and obey Him.
I just need Him. That's all. And I want to know Him. That's really the heart of the matter.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Passing Contemplation of Confusion: Or, Waiting Upon the Lord for Direction and Clarification
No putting the hand to the plow and turning back. A recent bit perused discussed that in terms of signifying events surrounding the request to say farewell to family, cultural traditions.
Celebration. Lengthy celebration, as a farewell.
It's not been that way, when each step has proceeded. No celebrations with lengthy goodbyes.
Though one is dragging out at a distressing and extended rate, at this point. But not celebratory by any means.
About a month ago, I'd gone through process of blocking phone numbers and expecting a sufficient end to some particularly distressing interactions as tended to undermine reliance upon the Lord. Within a week (maybe two?), I was confronted with numerous of those whose numbers had been blocked, though. I gave up and unblocked the numbers, as it seemed the Lord wasn't going to let me so easily and succinctly force an end to interaction.
Still not sure what to do. I'm no longer experiencing panic attacks in response to being in the presence of these folks. But it's not safe to be around them, either. And yet I don't have the option to move.
The Lord opened numerous doors to put me where I am--it wasn't a matter of choice, but acceptance. And I haven't the means or ability to go elsewhere, even if I wanted to move. It's not an option.
My landlord is someone who attends my current church, at least--so there's a certain degree of reassurance per that fact.
I don't want to freely interact with folks who actively do damage to my walk with the Lord, is all. It's one thing to interact with folks, with love, and just taking things as they are and praying the Lord would guide. But so much of what had passed in the year and some prior to ceasing to seek out the fellowship of those otherwise being considered...was utterly destructive and detrimental to trusting Jesus and being led of Him. Actively being told and influenced not to trust His guidance.
There were constant admonitions against self-reliance, too, yes--but not directing to Him. Rather, directing to group solidarity. Being told that my life and dependence upon the Lord before becoming accepted into the group was a special experience which was going to be replaced by group mentoring and direction.
Direction given based upon Scriptural precepts, but without prayerful interpretation each to each. Every time counsel was sought in earnest resulted in painful, sharp, undermining, confusing, and otherwise confounding rebuke with undertone being that I wasn't doing enough.
Except for rare moments of encouragement in the Lord. Which were sought with much earnestness. Needed desperately. But in the midst of so much otherwise confusion that it's still not cleared, over half a year later.
I wanted someone to disciple me, though--someone to speak from a position of having long walked with the Lord, sharing of Him, speaking truth. And it seemed so many others had someone specific or even two particular elders whom they would turn to with all their heart's troubles, seeking counsel. Such were seen as a spiritual parent--even sometimes called as much.
But none for me, consistently. Rebuke, suspicion, and scoffing, more often: I didn't reach out enough. I wasn't dependent enough. I didn't seek enough counsel.
Yet, continually--prayerfully deciding to take a course which was known to be one that would be unadvised--I nonetheless spoke with church leadership to discuss the action before beginning.
When I started attending other churches, again, most especially. Was that in November? October?
October was when I'd make the public plea to the Lord, through Facebook--an account now deleted which will remain deleted. It's enough that I still live next door to a handful whose ideology proved so destructive and impossible to bear.
Not for lack of love. But for lack of ability to endure teaching which left continual exhortation to go and do, in such a way as oft left me broken under the weight of being confronted by my abject inabilities: I can't bear up under the pressures of life. I can't be successful and well and whole and good.
I'm not capable. And yet, unless I was doing things which were openly known, I wasn't serving God well.
But all my life prior to acknowledging Christ's sufficiency is a testament to my utter inability to do right by Him or anyone else, in my own strength, by my own initiative, according to my own understanding.
And I don't know if perhaps there may be those at that church whom the Lord was leading under the same messages but in ways which were moreso unto dependence upon Him. But I'm not one such. Always, my eyes would begin on Him and end on me.
Everything I heard ultimately led me to strive in my own strength, depend upon others, and hold the counsel of church elders to higher esteem than the Lord's own leading. Many times I outright defied and refuted the Lord's guidance because it conflicted with what those around me were telling me. Many times. Grievous.
Unto further and further confusion, though. Which, again, has still not fully cleared.
I'm still being taught again how to rest in Him and trust His guidance, how to discern His will and heed His instructions. Even as especially when His leading conflicts with everything reasonable and right according to otherwise external appearances.
He let me get really into the secondary church I'd started attending again (from years prior, returned to), last year. Yet once He led me out of fellowship with the one which I'd been primarily suffocated by, then He led me out of the other church, too.
There'd been very few at the local church which had taken time with me, without there seeming ulterior motive. Few, who even seemed to be placed alongside, of the Lord's doing. But leaving the church meant necessarily refraining from even attempting to contact them. Under expectation that there might be attempt to get me to return, if nothing else.
And out of fear, I didn't contact anyone except for those few who He led me to speak peace to at the end.
And of those few who were blessings...I'd been avoiding some for other, far more confusing reasons, even prior to leaving the church. A reason, really. But I'd completely forgotten that for months--mostly refusing to even acknowledge it, from the outset. Still would have failed to remember or even process what was going on, of avoidance, except for being reminded within the past couple months. Still surrendering to the Lord.
I'm just so confused about so many things. But I trust the Lord. And I will trust the Lord. No matter what.
So, I can't move, except the Lord move me. I can't avoid, except the Lord allow.
I could block phone numbers again. Or, block more phone numbers again, rather. But I don't even know if that's right at this point.
And, along those lines, I keep wondering if there's even need or call to personally have the conversation with my earthly father which seemed so pressing just a couple weeks ago.
I don't know. I have absolutely no idea what to do. It's certainly easier to technologically distance oneself from people who have been inadvertently but consistently harmful (despite attempt to confront it, numerous times--all of which ended up being destructive, rather than productive)...when there's more than a parcel of grass and two walls separating.
But the Lord knows what He's doing. I trust Him, even being so totally uncertain of what I see and of what happens on a day to day basis.
There's almost a voice that tries to step in again, at that thought, though--reprimanding and mocking trust in the Lord, regarding matters of such obvious conflict and difficulty.
Again and again, that voice still tries to come back. Even as it did through those whom I'm presently distanced from (if only per refraining from open attempt to interact and per my dependence upon the Lord to otherwise protect me, despite proximity).
You're not doing enough. If you really..., you'd...
You think He wants you to honor Him by doing ...? Wow. You realize that's ...
Yeah, pray. But act, too. He doesn't want you to just ...
You have to do ... if you want to actually follow Him.
You can't just not do anything. Yeah, you're praying, but you have to act too.
And on, and on, and on, ad infinitum.
And I heeded all that for a long while, while amongst the group presently being avoided.
Except in regard to my internet-based job--I didn't give in on that point.
And eventually, except in regard to beginning to attend other churches.
And eventually, except in regard to the unwavering insistence that I was not going back to that church. Ever.
I spoke with three of my neighbors on that account--one the night prior to the first service intentionally missed. Two, the night of that same first service missed--became a rather painful interrogation, ending with a plea to the Lord that it was "enough."
And I spoke with a third--a female elder--a week later. Prayerfully, if unwillingly, endeavored.
And I pleaded all the while that the Lord wouldn't make me go to speak to the pastor again, nor to any of the male elders. Within a couple weeks, reaching a point of being willing for knowing He'd give the strength and the words, if He so directed as to go--I became willing to go, if He called me to. Willing to endure another bout of interrogation and undermining commentary.
I was terrified, an utter emotional wreck, but willing nonetheless.
And when things became bad enough--after being convicted to also withdraw from the secondary church which had helped to assert distance sufficient to withdraw from the first--lacking immediate fellowship with believers and fearing to enter fairly all churches...
...I got so desperate as to go back to a church which had known affiliation with the first one I'd left. Experienced something of acceptance, even absolutely fearing what would come of discussion with the lead pastor. But throwing myself on the mercy of the Lord to preserve me and guide the interaction, I went.
The pastor was out of town on a three month sabbatical. So, I was able to shelter there for a while. Until mention of membership began. Which...I was willing, if the Lord was, but the mere mention was disturbing. So I prayed.
And shortly after beginning attendance, I received contact from one of the very few whom the Lord had sincerely comforted me through, many times, from the initial church left. I was so afraid to meet with her. Terrified of what might come--believing she was still in fellowship with the other church. But I was so desperate for a moment of sanctuary in the presence of another believer, I was prayerfully willing to endure whatever might come.
Instead of rebuke or chastisement, I learned her family and another of particular blessing (though somewhat avoided, with no small degree of confusion)...had left the church. And been led to another. To the church where my landlord goes.
I was so afraid. Afraid to leave the other, newer church, for fear of offending. But I wanted so much to be with those who had been such a blessing and who remained such beacons of the Lord's love, given opportunity to be near them all again.
And it's blessedly been even with increased opportunity to interact, now. Despite lingering confusion and fears.
So, I withdrew from the "affiliated" church, having experienced difficulty at the pastor's return. Still enjoyed the fellowship of a few the blessed saints there, even so much as to pray the Lord might make opportunity to see them again at some later date--but only as doesn't create conflict.
But no more fellowship with those who live around me. Apart from the Lord's direct intervention, at least. There's way too much to fear, there, and bits and pieces of it increase by the day. Sheltering wickedness never bodes well.
I hadn't felt surrounded before, though. I hadn't realized I am surrounded. And, even now--I mean, what can I do? There's nothing, except pray and trust the Lord. I don't want to fear, though it presses in periodically regardless what's actually taking place...
...but I don't know what to do, apart from trusting Jesus will lead me and shelter me. So, I'm going to keep praying. Because there really isn't anything I can do.
I'm assuming He'll either move me or move them.
They made it known when I left the church that they expected me to move. But that's only going to happen as the Lord does so. I didn't move here of my own initiative, I'm not leaving except He intervene.
Incapacitation has a way of making it "easier" to wait on the Lord, though. Having no alternative whatsoever makes dependence and conscious reliance upon and expectation of His mercies "easier."
When impossibility surrounds, there's no choice but to trust Him.
And I guess I'd rather have it no other way.
As much as that means life is one giant mass of chaos and utter confusion, apart from resting in the knowledge and presence of Christ's love.
Like when He confronted me with my immediate, impending death, while I was falling off the balcony--that made surrender a secure and resounding choice. Despite that it was soon forgotten, once He'd driven death away and even while He rehabilitated me to read and use numbers and walk and do life.
And He was quickly forgotten, again--though mercifully briefly, this time--after being restored to the ability to walk, nearly three years ago, upon coming to terms with the fact that God alone was capable of making ways where there are none...while also coming to terms with the fact that He would do so.
And the more time I spend dealing with impossibilities, consciously recognized and surrendered as such, on a daily basis...the "easier" it gets to trust Him. Still goes against all logic, still goes against all human reasoning, still absolutely rankles everything which still attempts to process life according to the world's understanding...but He brings the impossible to pass, continually, without regard to my limited ability to comprehend or conceive the possibilities and resolutions He manifests.
So, as things become more impossible, He'll make Himself all the more known. I'm experiencing it on a daily basis, even without requiring conscious awareness of the process. He doesn't ask me to attempt to understand or plan everything, He just leads me from one step to the next and lines each one out along the way.
As much as I'm seeing that on a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment basis at work and home, then He's also surely doing the same in regard to community and church and fellowship. So, while the temptation to do so remains very active...verbally berating myself over situations recent or past is known pointless and needlessly painful, and I'm tired of it. I'm too exhausted to give in to that temptation. I don't have the energy for the sort of anxiety that would arouse, right now. Nor have I had enough energy to maintain that level of anxiety for a number of days, mercifully. If exhaustion means surrender to trusting the Lord, then well enough.
He's given gifts, so even though they don't make sense and even though they've sometimes seemed very strangely ordered in terms of the burden seeming entailed, all I'm going to do is thank Him and pray for those whom He's so deeply blessed me through.
I don't understand. I have absolutely no idea what's going on, on the whole. Attempts to figure things out are utterly short-sighted and partially blind, at best, and I'm tired of trying to sort things given such limited (absent) understanding of what the Lord's actual will is, in any given moment, even as unto the next. So I'm especially too tired to attempt to maneuver false conception of understanding what's going on in relation to me and my life.
There was some verse in Isaiah not long ago traversed, talking about how He makes our way straight. Or maybe it was something about walking mountains. Something about ways being difficult, but made passable. But for just a moment, it clicked.
We do walk through extremely treacherous terrain, who are His (valley of the shadow of death, anyone?). We walk through the midst of predators, being assaulted by devious powers of the air who even influence those yet under the devil's power, pressing them toward rage against us. (We would still be the same as them, though, except Christ has had mercy on us.) But the Lord guides every one of our steps, so that we won't slip. He makes the way before us seem utterly broad, thus easy to walk. Despite that the terrain is slippery and utterly steep, He makes it easy for us as we walk one single, solitary, small step at a time. We won't slip. We won't stumble. We won't fall. He holds us and guides and protects us.
Whereas, those who don't follow Him...are felled by such steep and difficult obstacles as we surmount by His leading and keeping and power. They attempt the mountain in their own strength, only to stumble and fall, perishing.
But He guides our every step, securely, such that even the most difficult ascent becomes easy. Taking one small step at a time, He leads.
So, I await His direction. I will wait upon Him.
I'd been mocked and derided for it, before, as seeming inaction.
But if He's in no hurry, then why should I be?
He is my Managing Director. And my Direct Supervisor.
He's God.
I used to long to tell people who were giving me a hard way to go...in some way to tell them to take it up with Management. But if He won't give me speech in a moment, or even if He allows me to speak in ways which are coarse or blundering or entirely errant...then either way, I have to return back to Him, myself. Again and again.
Seeking direction, guidance, and correction.
I can't do it, on my own.
Celebration. Lengthy celebration, as a farewell.
It's not been that way, when each step has proceeded. No celebrations with lengthy goodbyes.
Though one is dragging out at a distressing and extended rate, at this point. But not celebratory by any means.
About a month ago, I'd gone through process of blocking phone numbers and expecting a sufficient end to some particularly distressing interactions as tended to undermine reliance upon the Lord. Within a week (maybe two?), I was confronted with numerous of those whose numbers had been blocked, though. I gave up and unblocked the numbers, as it seemed the Lord wasn't going to let me so easily and succinctly force an end to interaction.
Still not sure what to do. I'm no longer experiencing panic attacks in response to being in the presence of these folks. But it's not safe to be around them, either. And yet I don't have the option to move.
The Lord opened numerous doors to put me where I am--it wasn't a matter of choice, but acceptance. And I haven't the means or ability to go elsewhere, even if I wanted to move. It's not an option.
My landlord is someone who attends my current church, at least--so there's a certain degree of reassurance per that fact.
I don't want to freely interact with folks who actively do damage to my walk with the Lord, is all. It's one thing to interact with folks, with love, and just taking things as they are and praying the Lord would guide. But so much of what had passed in the year and some prior to ceasing to seek out the fellowship of those otherwise being considered...was utterly destructive and detrimental to trusting Jesus and being led of Him. Actively being told and influenced not to trust His guidance.
There were constant admonitions against self-reliance, too, yes--but not directing to Him. Rather, directing to group solidarity. Being told that my life and dependence upon the Lord before becoming accepted into the group was a special experience which was going to be replaced by group mentoring and direction.
Direction given based upon Scriptural precepts, but without prayerful interpretation each to each. Every time counsel was sought in earnest resulted in painful, sharp, undermining, confusing, and otherwise confounding rebuke with undertone being that I wasn't doing enough.
Except for rare moments of encouragement in the Lord. Which were sought with much earnestness. Needed desperately. But in the midst of so much otherwise confusion that it's still not cleared, over half a year later.
I wanted someone to disciple me, though--someone to speak from a position of having long walked with the Lord, sharing of Him, speaking truth. And it seemed so many others had someone specific or even two particular elders whom they would turn to with all their heart's troubles, seeking counsel. Such were seen as a spiritual parent--even sometimes called as much.
But none for me, consistently. Rebuke, suspicion, and scoffing, more often: I didn't reach out enough. I wasn't dependent enough. I didn't seek enough counsel.
Yet, continually--prayerfully deciding to take a course which was known to be one that would be unadvised--I nonetheless spoke with church leadership to discuss the action before beginning.
When I started attending other churches, again, most especially. Was that in November? October?
October was when I'd make the public plea to the Lord, through Facebook--an account now deleted which will remain deleted. It's enough that I still live next door to a handful whose ideology proved so destructive and impossible to bear.
Not for lack of love. But for lack of ability to endure teaching which left continual exhortation to go and do, in such a way as oft left me broken under the weight of being confronted by my abject inabilities: I can't bear up under the pressures of life. I can't be successful and well and whole and good.
I'm not capable. And yet, unless I was doing things which were openly known, I wasn't serving God well.
But all my life prior to acknowledging Christ's sufficiency is a testament to my utter inability to do right by Him or anyone else, in my own strength, by my own initiative, according to my own understanding.
And I don't know if perhaps there may be those at that church whom the Lord was leading under the same messages but in ways which were moreso unto dependence upon Him. But I'm not one such. Always, my eyes would begin on Him and end on me.
Everything I heard ultimately led me to strive in my own strength, depend upon others, and hold the counsel of church elders to higher esteem than the Lord's own leading. Many times I outright defied and refuted the Lord's guidance because it conflicted with what those around me were telling me. Many times. Grievous.
Unto further and further confusion, though. Which, again, has still not fully cleared.
I'm still being taught again how to rest in Him and trust His guidance, how to discern His will and heed His instructions. Even as especially when His leading conflicts with everything reasonable and right according to otherwise external appearances.
He let me get really into the secondary church I'd started attending again (from years prior, returned to), last year. Yet once He led me out of fellowship with the one which I'd been primarily suffocated by, then He led me out of the other church, too.
There'd been very few at the local church which had taken time with me, without there seeming ulterior motive. Few, who even seemed to be placed alongside, of the Lord's doing. But leaving the church meant necessarily refraining from even attempting to contact them. Under expectation that there might be attempt to get me to return, if nothing else.
And out of fear, I didn't contact anyone except for those few who He led me to speak peace to at the end.
And of those few who were blessings...I'd been avoiding some for other, far more confusing reasons, even prior to leaving the church. A reason, really. But I'd completely forgotten that for months--mostly refusing to even acknowledge it, from the outset. Still would have failed to remember or even process what was going on, of avoidance, except for being reminded within the past couple months. Still surrendering to the Lord.
I'm just so confused about so many things. But I trust the Lord. And I will trust the Lord. No matter what.
So, I can't move, except the Lord move me. I can't avoid, except the Lord allow.
I could block phone numbers again. Or, block more phone numbers again, rather. But I don't even know if that's right at this point.
And, along those lines, I keep wondering if there's even need or call to personally have the conversation with my earthly father which seemed so pressing just a couple weeks ago.
I don't know. I have absolutely no idea what to do. It's certainly easier to technologically distance oneself from people who have been inadvertently but consistently harmful (despite attempt to confront it, numerous times--all of which ended up being destructive, rather than productive)...when there's more than a parcel of grass and two walls separating.
But the Lord knows what He's doing. I trust Him, even being so totally uncertain of what I see and of what happens on a day to day basis.
There's almost a voice that tries to step in again, at that thought, though--reprimanding and mocking trust in the Lord, regarding matters of such obvious conflict and difficulty.
Again and again, that voice still tries to come back. Even as it did through those whom I'm presently distanced from (if only per refraining from open attempt to interact and per my dependence upon the Lord to otherwise protect me, despite proximity).
You're not doing enough. If you really..., you'd...
You think He wants you to honor Him by doing ...? Wow. You realize that's ...
Yeah, pray. But act, too. He doesn't want you to just ...
You have to do ... if you want to actually follow Him.
You can't just not do anything. Yeah, you're praying, but you have to act too.
And on, and on, and on, ad infinitum.
And I heeded all that for a long while, while amongst the group presently being avoided.
Except in regard to my internet-based job--I didn't give in on that point.
And eventually, except in regard to beginning to attend other churches.
And eventually, except in regard to the unwavering insistence that I was not going back to that church. Ever.
I spoke with three of my neighbors on that account--one the night prior to the first service intentionally missed. Two, the night of that same first service missed--became a rather painful interrogation, ending with a plea to the Lord that it was "enough."
And I spoke with a third--a female elder--a week later. Prayerfully, if unwillingly, endeavored.
And I pleaded all the while that the Lord wouldn't make me go to speak to the pastor again, nor to any of the male elders. Within a couple weeks, reaching a point of being willing for knowing He'd give the strength and the words, if He so directed as to go--I became willing to go, if He called me to. Willing to endure another bout of interrogation and undermining commentary.
I was terrified, an utter emotional wreck, but willing nonetheless.
And when things became bad enough--after being convicted to also withdraw from the secondary church which had helped to assert distance sufficient to withdraw from the first--lacking immediate fellowship with believers and fearing to enter fairly all churches...
...I got so desperate as to go back to a church which had known affiliation with the first one I'd left. Experienced something of acceptance, even absolutely fearing what would come of discussion with the lead pastor. But throwing myself on the mercy of the Lord to preserve me and guide the interaction, I went.
The pastor was out of town on a three month sabbatical. So, I was able to shelter there for a while. Until mention of membership began. Which...I was willing, if the Lord was, but the mere mention was disturbing. So I prayed.
And shortly after beginning attendance, I received contact from one of the very few whom the Lord had sincerely comforted me through, many times, from the initial church left. I was so afraid to meet with her. Terrified of what might come--believing she was still in fellowship with the other church. But I was so desperate for a moment of sanctuary in the presence of another believer, I was prayerfully willing to endure whatever might come.
Instead of rebuke or chastisement, I learned her family and another of particular blessing (though somewhat avoided, with no small degree of confusion)...had left the church. And been led to another. To the church where my landlord goes.
I was so afraid. Afraid to leave the other, newer church, for fear of offending. But I wanted so much to be with those who had been such a blessing and who remained such beacons of the Lord's love, given opportunity to be near them all again.
And it's blessedly been even with increased opportunity to interact, now. Despite lingering confusion and fears.
So, I withdrew from the "affiliated" church, having experienced difficulty at the pastor's return. Still enjoyed the fellowship of a few the blessed saints there, even so much as to pray the Lord might make opportunity to see them again at some later date--but only as doesn't create conflict.
But no more fellowship with those who live around me. Apart from the Lord's direct intervention, at least. There's way too much to fear, there, and bits and pieces of it increase by the day. Sheltering wickedness never bodes well.
I hadn't felt surrounded before, though. I hadn't realized I am surrounded. And, even now--I mean, what can I do? There's nothing, except pray and trust the Lord. I don't want to fear, though it presses in periodically regardless what's actually taking place...
...but I don't know what to do, apart from trusting Jesus will lead me and shelter me. So, I'm going to keep praying. Because there really isn't anything I can do.
I'm assuming He'll either move me or move them.
They made it known when I left the church that they expected me to move. But that's only going to happen as the Lord does so. I didn't move here of my own initiative, I'm not leaving except He intervene.
Incapacitation has a way of making it "easier" to wait on the Lord, though. Having no alternative whatsoever makes dependence and conscious reliance upon and expectation of His mercies "easier."
When impossibility surrounds, there's no choice but to trust Him.
And I guess I'd rather have it no other way.
As much as that means life is one giant mass of chaos and utter confusion, apart from resting in the knowledge and presence of Christ's love.
Like when He confronted me with my immediate, impending death, while I was falling off the balcony--that made surrender a secure and resounding choice. Despite that it was soon forgotten, once He'd driven death away and even while He rehabilitated me to read and use numbers and walk and do life.
And He was quickly forgotten, again--though mercifully briefly, this time--after being restored to the ability to walk, nearly three years ago, upon coming to terms with the fact that God alone was capable of making ways where there are none...while also coming to terms with the fact that He would do so.
And the more time I spend dealing with impossibilities, consciously recognized and surrendered as such, on a daily basis...the "easier" it gets to trust Him. Still goes against all logic, still goes against all human reasoning, still absolutely rankles everything which still attempts to process life according to the world's understanding...but He brings the impossible to pass, continually, without regard to my limited ability to comprehend or conceive the possibilities and resolutions He manifests.
So, as things become more impossible, He'll make Himself all the more known. I'm experiencing it on a daily basis, even without requiring conscious awareness of the process. He doesn't ask me to attempt to understand or plan everything, He just leads me from one step to the next and lines each one out along the way.
As much as I'm seeing that on a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment basis at work and home, then He's also surely doing the same in regard to community and church and fellowship. So, while the temptation to do so remains very active...verbally berating myself over situations recent or past is known pointless and needlessly painful, and I'm tired of it. I'm too exhausted to give in to that temptation. I don't have the energy for the sort of anxiety that would arouse, right now. Nor have I had enough energy to maintain that level of anxiety for a number of days, mercifully. If exhaustion means surrender to trusting the Lord, then well enough.
He's given gifts, so even though they don't make sense and even though they've sometimes seemed very strangely ordered in terms of the burden seeming entailed, all I'm going to do is thank Him and pray for those whom He's so deeply blessed me through.
I don't understand. I have absolutely no idea what's going on, on the whole. Attempts to figure things out are utterly short-sighted and partially blind, at best, and I'm tired of trying to sort things given such limited (absent) understanding of what the Lord's actual will is, in any given moment, even as unto the next. So I'm especially too tired to attempt to maneuver false conception of understanding what's going on in relation to me and my life.
There was some verse in Isaiah not long ago traversed, talking about how He makes our way straight. Or maybe it was something about walking mountains. Something about ways being difficult, but made passable. But for just a moment, it clicked.
We do walk through extremely treacherous terrain, who are His (valley of the shadow of death, anyone?). We walk through the midst of predators, being assaulted by devious powers of the air who even influence those yet under the devil's power, pressing them toward rage against us. (We would still be the same as them, though, except Christ has had mercy on us.) But the Lord guides every one of our steps, so that we won't slip. He makes the way before us seem utterly broad, thus easy to walk. Despite that the terrain is slippery and utterly steep, He makes it easy for us as we walk one single, solitary, small step at a time. We won't slip. We won't stumble. We won't fall. He holds us and guides and protects us.
Whereas, those who don't follow Him...are felled by such steep and difficult obstacles as we surmount by His leading and keeping and power. They attempt the mountain in their own strength, only to stumble and fall, perishing.
But He guides our every step, securely, such that even the most difficult ascent becomes easy. Taking one small step at a time, He leads.
So, I await His direction. I will wait upon Him.
I'd been mocked and derided for it, before, as seeming inaction.
But if He's in no hurry, then why should I be?
He is my Managing Director. And my Direct Supervisor.
He's God.
I used to long to tell people who were giving me a hard way to go...in some way to tell them to take it up with Management. But if He won't give me speech in a moment, or even if He allows me to speak in ways which are coarse or blundering or entirely errant...then either way, I have to return back to Him, myself. Again and again.
Seeking direction, guidance, and correction.
I can't do it, on my own.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
My Utmost for His Highest, Oct 25
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Difficult to be still, sometimes, when circumstances make it such that other people especially press toward actions which the Lord doesn't confirm. I don't understand. But I don't have to understand.
I'll trust Him when it hurts, and when there's misunderstanding. And I'll trust Him when there's general inconsistency in myself--I can't clear up the confusions I still labor under, except that the Lord guide.
The Lord put me where I am, whether I like it or not. And as terrible as I am at it, I'm hoping and praying and trusting He's using me here, despite me. Because I have no idea. And being pushed and pulled and pressed upon from so many directions only makes it worse when I try to think, rather than trusting He's in control and knows what He's doing.
Because He is in control. And He does know what He's doing. I don't.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
My Utmost for His Highest, Oct. 21 . Song: Shane & Shane - You Loved My Heart to Death
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Still maintain that instinct is a thing to be brought into subjection to the Lord, purified, and prayerfully submitted at all times.
It's so weird, though, because He has nonetheless led through both seeming impulse and instinctual inclination, at times. Blatantly so, as ascertained even immediately after the fact. Like with present job. And with other things.
Maybe just a matter of continual seeking for clarification and direction and redirection, as with all the rest.
Bless you all. Love and peace to you through Christ, our Lord.
Tomorrow is birthday things, so perhaps not to be on here. Likely in places without connectivity even on phone for the majority of the day and evening. In fellowship, at the end, which is exciting. Keep thinking it wouldn't have been entirely out of place to just go to the group that's ordinarily done on Saturday evenings, now--was in the morning till recently. But...wanted something different, of time with the Lord. And He's made provision.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Songs: Josh Garrels - White Owl, Shane & Shane - Stronger...Thoughts
When people at work talk about "listening to your instincts," it's always an odd sort of thing to contemplate. I used to listen to my instincts, a lot. Now, as best the Lord gives me any-present ability, I hope to heed Him: He guides, in the way instinct used to. And instinct is otherwise submitted to prayer, in general.
A lot of training at work, though, discussed certain dangers which are present...with ongoing, very serious, utterly urgent pressure given (multiple times, multiple people): "No matter what, listen to your instincts: If something doesn't feel right, then listen to your instincts."
I'll have to trust the Lord, period. Even when I get confused. Even when I end up rationalizing my way into, out of, then back into a corner of absolute perplexity--at the end of it, and in the middle, and all along the way...I trust He'll ultimately have His way, and trust that He's guiding me in spite of my nonsensical contortions and floundering.
He's entirely capable.
And He doesn't usually intervene in a way that's seriously, openly apparent as being Him. But He does intercede, always. And He does intervene, regardless how apparent--interposing graceful, gracious, merciful machinations of His own in midst of my obtuse wanderings and the otherwise confusion which surrounds and presses in from all sides.
And He makes very apparent it's Him intervening, at times--in ways which are individually undeniable: Moving hands, giving speech, bringing to completion (and accord) things otherwise impossible. Pretty much every day little bits and pieces are given, apparent, as His intervention. And I know beyond a shadow of doubt that for every "tiny" evidence He allows to be seen of His machinations in my life--as made openly aware to me in those moments of His intervention--there are countless more, totally unseen, unrecognized, given unawares.
But someday, when everything is made clear, we'll all praise Him all the more for all the love He's lavished, all the grace He's made manifest unto us, and of the power and wisdom which has and makes such things as He's ordered from eternity past come into being in each our lives.
That's the thing that blows my mind, so much, when considering His order, the wisdom of His interventions, and the power and might shown in His creation: it's all ordained from eternity past.
With the precision that it takes us to engineer anything, His exceeds by unfathomable breadth and depth.
The easiest way I've been able to even marginally consider how it goes is in contemplation of extremely complex domino tricks--where the dominoes are set up in a long series, with other objects as part of the progression, and with stages built in that take it from merely planar to graduated heights, and differing types of domino constructions also included along the way...but where each and every domino, as it falls, impacts the next in an undivided and astounding progression of fluid complexity. A single domino starts the cascade of falling others--each influencing the next, unto the next, unto other objects which also influence each of the next, in a progression that's as fluid as it is utterly contingent upon the progression of the all. The very last domino to fall does so as a direct, if distant, result of every one prior having been individually impacted by one initial, yet ongoing, progressive, and even increasing influence.
(I was going to link a youtube video of one or another particularly complex domino trick, but didn't find any which seemed appropriate...for varying reasons--mostly music. They are fascinating, though.)
Along loosely parallel lines, so goes all of history, though. Each situation progresses unto the next, only having spanned across both space and time while also being compounded by internal and other external influences all the while. And, all the while, sin working such havoc in us all, in that very same fashion...while God Himself also restrains along the same line, in some vastly influential and utterly involved capacity explicitly known to Him, alone--largely unrecognized, except that He gave record of such influence in much of Israel's history...and now, explicitly as in our own who are Christ's.
But He's known how the civilizations and individual lives of all humanity would proceed, from eternity past. And interventions have been also been known and ordained and decreed from eternity past, even largely unbeknownst to us. Even as the coming of Christ was mentioned at the time of the fall, in Eden, then so had He and so has He ordained and decreed so many interventions of grace to preserve humanity from absolute (even spiritual) destruction, along the while. Individually and universally. Otherwise prayer would not be answered and lives like my own would never be spared. Repentance would otherwise never come, nationally or individually.
Along lines of contemplating the complexity of His eternal decrees, it comes to mind that...I do well to plot a day's course. Or, wait--strike that. I am utterly incapable of plotting a day's course, but used to believe I was wholly capable of doing so. And I used to exert a great deal of concerted energy toward effecting that very belief. Which did not go well for me. At all.
Just the factors involved in maintaining one's own thought life in the midst of any given situation are trying, difficult to battle, impossible to overcome apart from Christ's intervention. Then, adding external pressures and ever-changing circumstantial factors?
If it seems like a day's plotted out and comes to pass, He's been gracious. If a day proceeds according to a man's plan, He's been merciful and gracious in the immediate present. The sun does shine on the just and the unjust, alike. And like the Psalmist mentioned, the unjust who live lives of seeming ease and uncomplication?--seeming to have their every way with ease?--such ones are experiencing a fleeting situation, only, and superficial.
Yet, if in our hearts we long to honor Him and proceed with that desire foremost as our focus, He does lead us (even into greater obedience) and give us the course we should proceed along (whether we're aware it's from Him or not). The still, small voice telling us which way to go. That doesn't require harassing Him for every moment's direction, in order to proceed in His will. If we seek Him with all our hearts, He said He would be found by us. And for those who have found Him, who have come to know His voice, who are His sheep--He said we do follow Him. He's gracious. And HE is the Shepherd. Shepherds herd, tend wounds, protect, deliver, and lead...at the very least.
Pretty sure most sheep don't really think about being led, though. I don't know that they do much more than follow impulses, really: Most animals are very driven by instinct. They do what comes naturally per instinct and impulse...without necessarily sitting down to contemplate or discuss the what, where, how, and why of an impulse.
He's given us means to ascertain, though, as to whether we're being influenced of the flesh, by dark spiritual forces, or by His Spirit. Know His Word. Spend time with Him. Ask Him to help.
Because He wants us to ask. He already knows what we need, but He wants us to ask--with rejoicing hearts knowing we'll receive what's good and right and necessary for us from a Father who truly loves. I mean...we have been given all spiritual blessings in Christ. So why not ask for what we need?
It's the whole "independence"-thing which is so vexatious, anyway--wanting to be "as God," and independently capable of meeting our own needs--self-sufficient, self-reliant, and capable of discerning right and wrong per our independent perception.
He wants to give us what we need, even already having provided so much, otherwise He wouldn't tell us to ask. Reality is that we're utterly, completely, abjectly dependent upon Him for every heartbeat, every breath, and all which is of us and others. There's no such thing as "independence" from God. There's only delusion, to varied degrees.
And He is that in which and of which all subsists. He's utterly inescapable, even being ultimately ineffable. He Is.
And if He has known all things from eternity past, unto eternity future, then any time He's ever been moved by prayer or to "change His mind" it was also decided and known from such a perspective and stance as is of eternal wisdom.
He wants us to beseech Him, though. He wants us to seek Him.
He wants us to be reconciled to Him, completely...and even though that lattermost is apparently reserved for the moment we enter eternity...then, still...
He's gone to great lengths to make it possible for these things to be so.
He humbled Himself to walk amongst us, as one of us--eternally. And endured our rejection.
God, the Son, endured mockery, reviling, scorning, scoffing, malicious wounding, mortal destruction...and the penalty of our sins...to make it so that we can be reconciled to Him. In love. Through death. His death, which is our own.
Into life, which is His.
And I'd still like to wrap up about the dominos. In terms of how He's known this moment we're in, at present--known you, whoever you are, from eternity past. And loved you enough to create you, to fashion you, to mold you. And to preserve you through whatsoever life's difficulties have been--for they would surely have been so much worse except that He restrains so much, by such grace. We all would have been so much worse, except He has restrained.
And He loves you so much as to offer you His love, through Christ. Continually. And with desire that it would be an eternal reconciliation, unto healing and glorification. Into fellowship with Him, eternal.
But each and every moment He's known. He known you, me, and all the world. And He has permitted so much pain, destruction, devastation, turmoil, misery. And has even ordained it, per the curse of sin. But, even then, He's being merciful--sin is worthy eternal punishment in keeping with the infinite injustice and infinite offense and infinite grievous wreckage of spiteful insubordination, treason!, it constitutes against a perfectly loving, wholly sovereign, omnipotent God...rather than as it's being meted out, per disease and suffering, death, and then the punishment due...with, all the while of living still, opportunity for reconciliation through Christ being desired of and pursued unto us by Him.
He's far more invested in our salvation than we are or ever could be. He's gone to great lengths.
And to which lengths have we gone? He strove against sin unto the shedding of blood, having humbled Himself to take on flesh.
And I sigh, hanging my head to note not even a single day has passed without sin--even as entertaining temptation, as is so much akin and such a fine line as often constitutes crossing, just per so doing. And that's not even to mention anxiety, which is often effectively doubt against God.
But anyway. He is full of grace and mercy toward us.
Otherwise we'd all be totally bereft of hope.
And He's known our frailties. Knows them intimately. He experienced temptation. He was tried in all ways, yet without sin. Not even of giving over to temptation, as truly entertained.
He's fully fitted to both judge us and to be merciful to those who seek Him for forgiveness. Because He knows us and our temptations.
And the dominos thing is on hold, still, apparently.
But grace. Just...such grace.
And the thing of instincts, again--where are they coming from? If only per the flesh, then it's not wholly good. Despite that He does intervene and has given us somewhat of a capacity to gauge circumstances, as part of our being. Still, instincts need to be honed, purified, brought into accord with His Spirit. Even as to be brought into subjection to being led by Him.
But He does the work in us, on all fronts. We have only to ask. Even as He works in us both the desire to do His will, and then also produces the ability to proceed. To will and to do, He works. And we aren't left bereft of anything we need, in terms of godliness. We haven't been left as orphans, either--His Spirit is with and in those of us who have come to God through Christ.
So, returning to consideration of election versus free will? How can we choose something we don't have capacity to want? And, yet, He wants us to love Him--He's decreed that's our primary command. He wants us to pursue Him, even--such that He has told us He will be found by those who seek Him with all their heart.
He wants all of us to do so, though. And yet not all do. But He doesn't take pleasure in the death of the wicked. He doesn't relish punishment. He would prefer that none would perish to destruction.
He's said so.
...there's something so deeply sacred about the process of coming to know Christ that it seems off-kilter to phrase the prospect of salvation in a clinical way. I can't think of a metaphoric parallel without coming up with something derogatory or degrading to some any-thing personally sacred to me, even.
But I think that's why talking about election versus free-will is a topic that's oddly difficult for me to discuss, without going into great depth. I want to know how all things work and come together, after all. But as pertains to our relationship to God?...and for those who have come to know Him on His terms, through Christ's sacrifice unto death, enduring our punishment, and overcoming death to reign eternal? It just makes me uncomfortably nervous to approach discussion without time to go into great depth, but I've never before been able to even begin to articulate why.
Doesn't mean I'm going to cease pursuing to understand the process, though...because the process is actually significant of understanding Him. And I think desire to understand His way of drawing us is actually at the core of desire to know Him--wanting to know the nature of my relationship to Him is wanting to know His stance toward me, defined in a way which makes sense of what seems and feels and perhaps is utterly inexplicable. And it's wanting to know Him, still, moreover.
I'll keep seeking to understand these things, though, even if my present stance is to question how I could possibly even begin to understand the most precious of all gifts given unto man: Christ, Himself, and His manifest gift unto us whom He loves. Us, whom He loves so much He died even to save.
Much my whole irritation with doctrinal dogma, in general, has perhaps been around such points: I do want to know and understand His ways. Deeply. But not apart from actively and simultaneously knowing Him more deeply, overtly. But, personally, I've not been capable of maintaining balance, there--I start ignoring the forest for the trees. And eventually get I become really, really fixated on one or two trees in particular, and except for being in the forest...I completely lose track of the fact it's there, for being so transfixed.
But, then, anxiety begins to take over again...bringing to awareness of having completely lost all sense of perspective. And I find myself utterly perplexed and disoriented and despair of ever becoming reoriented to the forest, again.
Reminds me that when I was young, I used to be able to wander a particular forest without ever fearing getting lost. There were things I'd look for, to direct--appearance of long-unused trails, usually, or just a general sense of orientation to the shape of my corner of the mountain, maybe. But, while there was certainly appreciation for individual trees, it was the forest as a whole which was my joy to explore.
Along that line...a year and a few months ago, I wandered across a two-book set on a system of Biblical theology which seemed particularly promising, as safe for me--seemed to maintain perspective of the all of who God is, approaching even the undertaking of striving to describe Him in such a way as to express utmost, lengthy reverence to the fact of His undivided nature. The introduction to the book was, itself, utterly weighty in giving expansive reverence per discussing how difficult it is to contemplate God, with specific regard to His ways and expressions of being, without in any way enticing unwarranted, largely unconscious implication that any of His ways or expressions of being are somehow singularly distinct from any such others...when, rather, He's perfect in all His ways. Meaning, moreover, that none of His ways, and no description of a seeming aspect of His being, is actually separable as existent distinct from all such other expressions of His character. If there were actual division between so-called aspects of His character, then such so-called aspects of His character must implicitly consist of less than infinite perfection, likewise derogating all which He is: if any aspect of who He is were truly distinct, as separable from any else which is of Him, then some part of His nature thus is not be infinitely express. But He would be unjustifiably degraded by such a slight upon His character and being as would consider any aspect of who He is as less than perfect. So, a lot of time was given even to approach the matter of attempting to discuss Him. Two books' worth of such a discussion.
Point was: He's not to be approached with the expectation of "piecemeal" understanding, in other words. Or, it can't be done without doing dishonor to who and how He is, in some fashion. But...we're all at a loss to really grasp Him, is the thing. And is why the guy went ahead and wrote the book, despite many, many pages' worth of implying why it's actually basically inadvisable to even attempt to do so...we can only fall short, in terms of attempting to describe perfect holiness.
And as a side note, of personal relevance, it would be fair to admit that I'm still convinced some aspects of my resistance to doctrinal dogma has to do with longstanding defiance against "conformity for conformity's sake." A matter for discussion alongside the tendency regarding "trees vs. the forest," since such defiance has largely been a method of self-preservation in the midst of many, many, longstanding efforts to get me to conform to various strange things (I'm not usually very successful in refraining, but the Lord is teaching me to abide in Him).
Of the all, though, the point is just that...it's about Him.
Seeking for answers as to how He does things or why or where or how to discern is generally about desiring to know Him better, ultimately. And possible on His terms, no less.
And I've been praying for a brief while now, as to what to do with the books I mentioned. It had crossed my mind weeks ago to either give or lend them to a friend. I would like to read them, but it's just not going to happen anytime in the near future. Like, probably not even in the next year, given the weight of the introduction and my current inability to focus on reading.
I was reading a lot when those books came in, and it still took at least a month to get through the intro and some portion of the first chapter. Reading has been very dicey for a long while, now, though.
Writing has been the thing, at least. Gladly.
Enough, for now.
Just bits and pieces of further consideration, along the way.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
*Excerpts from* Other daily devotionals, Oct. 19...and a Song
From Our Daily Bread:
Most ancient peoples had theories of origins enshrouded in legend, myth, and song. But Israel’s story of creation was unique: It told of a God who created beauty for our enjoyment and childlike delight. God thought up the cosmos, spoke it into being and pronounced it “beautiful.” (The Hebrew word for good also signifies beauty.) Then, having created a paradise, God in love spoke us into being, placed us in Eden, and told us, “Enjoy!”
Some see and enjoy the beauty of the Creator’s good gifts all around them, but don’t “worship him as God or even give him thanks.” They “think up foolish ideas of what God [is] like. As a result, their minds become dark and confused” (Rom. 1:21 nlt).
Others see beauty, say “Thank You, God,” and step into His light. —David Roper
Loving Father, we praise You because You are good. Thank You for infusing Your creation with beauty and purpose and for placing us here to enjoy it as we discover You. Your love endures forever!
All of creation reflects the beauty of God
From Crosswalk.com:
Our Love Should Be Ridiculous
by Stephen Sanders, Salem Web A/V Editor
by Stephen Sanders, Salem Web A/V Editor
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10
Not only is displaying love towards one another one of the chief commands of the Christian faith, but it’s the core of who Jesus Christ was while he was on earth in the flesh. It’s easy to assume that Jesus would have gotten along easier with the “church folks,” but He actually spent all of His time with tax collectors, prostitutes and such; people who He had absolutely zero in common with.
The religious people of that day mocked Jesus for loving the way He did. Jesus’ love was ridiculous.
I’ve been studying the heck out of the book of Romans lately. It’s been great because I’ve begun to see this continuing contrast between the “church folks” and the “actual church” that Paul was ministering to in those days. The “church folks” were so proud of the list of regulations that defined who they were and set them apart from the society in which they lived. The “actual church” simply grabbed hold of the free gift of Christ and displayed it openly to that same society. The “church folks” disqualified others from becoming God’s Chosen because of what they were unwilling to do. But the “actual church” made no assumptions about who could and could not be “saved.”
The early church let the good news of the cross speak for itself... and they would scream this truth to everyone... everywhere... even if it meant dying a gruesome death. Their love was ridiculous.
In today’s culture, self-sacrificial love to the point of death sounds just as extreme as it did back then. So many of us make excuses as to why we don’t need to love like that. Christians and church doctrines manage to create unwritten laws that shield us from having to actually love like the Spirit of Christ so desperately wants us to. We take specific scriptures and turn them into shield for our own protection. TakeRomans 12:1-2 for example:
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Until recently, I’d only recognized this scripture as an instruction to “beware of society and it’s influences.” And it’s true that the world does things way differently than the Holy Spirit does. But I’ve always overlooked the importance of “test and discern what is the will of God.” You see, we cannot “test the will of God” if we are so far removed from society that we are out of touch. The same “enemy society” that we are to not become influenced by is also the same exact place where God has strategically placed us to seek His will for our lives and display the gifts and talents He has placed in us.
Sound impossible? It’s really not... it just takes a ridiculous love for this lifestyle to be functional.
In actuality, it may appear to many as being very dysfunctional. But that’s okay! This Christian walk was never meant to be something that caused us to take ourselves more seriously than we ought to anyway. To tell you the truth, Jesus said that the “actual church” would “confound the wise and shame the strong.” So don’t be afraid to be excessively full of life, hopeful, positive and patient when others try to make that difficult to do.
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Verse-a-Day App (Verse & Commentary):
2 Timothy 3:14-15
But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them; And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
One of the beautiful things about Jesus being the "fulfillment of the law" is that the Old Testament points directly to Him as the Messiah. It's not like we threw out the Old Testament or rewrote it once Jesus hit the scene. The New Testament is added, but remember that both are testaments to the truth of who God is. Knowing the scriptures for so many at this time was serving them well in recognizing the truth of the gospel: the truth of who Jesus was. Holy Spirit, I pray that You would teach us as we read the word of God, and help us to see Jesus in it all.
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But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them; And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
One of the beautiful things about Jesus being the "fulfillment of the law" is that the Old Testament points directly to Him as the Messiah. It's not like we threw out the Old Testament or rewrote it once Jesus hit the scene. The New Testament is added, but remember that both are testaments to the truth of who God is. Knowing the scriptures for so many at this time was serving them well in recognizing the truth of the gospel: the truth of who Jesus was. Holy Spirit, I pray that You would teach us as we read the word of God, and help us to see Jesus in it all.
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