Not sure what to do, of family. Dreams for the past few days have been especially disturbing regarding them.
Dad attempted contact twice within 24 hours, now. Dreamt of confronting him over the things from childhood. It's just crossed my mind to wonder if his suicide attempt, sometime perhaps 20 years ago or more, was in any relation to the things going on. I've been praying, seeking the Lord's guidance, for months.
There was a response of such despair and an evidence of such lack of control, in the dream. I know dreams aren't reality, but again and again over time, they've contained so many bits of truth and forewarning.
Like midweek, prior to receiving any contact from family, dreamt of having a Facebook message conversation with the sister through whom direct threats on my life has come, twice now.
Prior to coming to Christ, I was wicked, too. I did horrible, hurtful things, without much awareness how hurtful. And still am being recovered from such blindness. So slowly, it often seems...
...but I can't atone for those things. I've asked forgiveness of people whom I'd hurt, as the Lord has opened my eyes and helped me see any bits of the harm. I can't atone, though. I can't change what's been done. And in instance, it's just as necessary to the preservation of others' well being as to my own that distance be instituted or maintained.
So, dreaming of the conversation with my sister...was heartbreaking. She was reaching out for help, for direction, for solace.
I had told her again and again, in recent past...since surrender to Christ and since coming to know Him...there's no peace or help apart from Him. And my phrasing wasn't great, and the desperation with which much of the message was relayed--desperate for her to receive His help, through surrender...wasn't helpful, surely. But I told her as best then-present who He is and what He's done, and what that means to each and every one of us.
Jesus is in control of the universe. Which means He's in control of our lives, too--whether we like it or not. And we've erred grievously against God, against Christ. Grievously, unto death and damnation. He's entirely justified to eradicate any of us. He's entirely justified to allow any depth of suffering, torment, or horror to come to us--and none of it would even begin to touch the debt we actually owe. But He's so gracious that He restrains the full horrors of what sin should have wrought to each one of us from actively overwhelming us, continually. Though death is inescapable as a consequence of sin, still. And disease is part of the lot for all the world, too, as a result of sin.
But He's so gracious and His love for us so great that He made a way for forgiveness, Himself. Taking on flesh. Taking sin and its just consequences on Himself, His own wrath upon Himself. Entering death. To satisfy the debt we could never atone for. And to overcome death, hell, and the grave...in the flesh.
And He did overcome them.
He resurrected. He was given the power to take His own life up again. And afterwards, He commissioned those who were His disciples to go into the world as His witnesses--so, all who know Him.
That anyone who seeks Him, in truth, truly desiring to know Him...could and would, as it's His will that none would perish to endure the eternal torment of hell awaiting those who refuse to come to reconciliation with God through Christ's atoning sacrifice.
He actively pursues us, even, that we would turn to Him and turn away from sin. That we would bow the knee to Him, here and now, and come into right relationship with Him--come to honor Him for who He is--prior to the time when reconciliation is no longer available. Christ, alone, can bring us to a place where we are even able to honor God as is due Him.
The fleshly, sinful nature of man opposes God...defiant, unwilling to admit wrongdoing.
But Jesus takes such hearts of stone and gives them ability to feel--to desire and enter needful repentance, and to love God and others.
Christ, alone, can do these things. And for myself, it took the mercies of being emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and financially destroyed to reach a point of willingness to acknowledge God's sovereignty...and then, even a couple months more did it take to become willing to acknowledge Jesus Christ's sovereignty as God, and thus as Master of all and especially of my own life, will, and actions.
He worked all that out, in me. Still is working that out, unto deeper love for Him and greater trust.
But I tried to share these things with family. Telling them how the Lord led me into them, telling them of seeing Him as He is, and of Him on the cross...how never for a second did His love waver, despite the pain, despite the torment, despite that we tried to break Him by all means available to us--shame, degradation, pain, hatred, malice, mockery, and to the depths of our extent to enact these things...but His love exhausted us. And His purity was and will forever be unmarred. He is Precious, Holy, Beautiful, and Wonderful above and beyond all things and people. Above all. He is pure and good and righteous and full of love and desire for mercy unto us.
Despite the wretched, horrid utter deceitful wickedness of each our hearts. He sees in full detail all the darkness, all the malice, all the wicked fervor...and He love no less. That is what broke me, finally--seeing myself as He sees me, finding myself incapable of even fully looking upon my own wickedness, and yet the love in His eyes? So far beyond absolutely anything even conceivable. Utterly encompassing. Destroyed me. And is still destroying me, so blessedly.
I have shared all these things with them, as the Lord has directed. And I've not been perfect in obedience, no, but He's so gracious and merciful.
But the conversation with my sister, again coming to me for help, for direction? The Lord restrained me in the dream from responding at all. I could only pray and love--heart-breaking all the while--from a silent distance. There but not.
She sent a request to converse via Messenger app, today.
And my little brother has been contacting me, too. He's one who considered me "Mom" the first few years of his life, upon learning to speak. Until a dream when I was perhaps 10, 11? (which would have made him 4 or 5)...so terrified me that I withdrew from him, emotionally.
I've pleaded with him and his fiancee, too, to turn to Jesus. I have shared my experience of the Lord with them, of His sovereignty and His being.
I've been praying for the past few weeks about him--my brother. About what to do, of him. I can't fix his situation, either. If the Lord would have me continue directing to Himself, then so be it. Things are so strange, distended, regardless.
But the only time my family gets in contact like this is when someone has died or is dying. So I've not listened to voicemails. And I've not returned contact.
Because I just can't right now. There's one more day of work. And today was perhaps worse than expected, though the Lord did preserve me (if a shaking, panicked mess by day-end...then, He's been especially gracious in giving comfort, since, and in preserving from complete break-down, prior).
Tried to end the day three hours ago, but the dream...much worse than last night's. And then, waking to find myself overwhelmed with panic over what may have happened with family, alongside despondency over absolute incapacity from being able to even respond, right now.
I have been and will continue asking Jesus to direct me, on all these fronts. I don't want to not be in touch, but especially if there's crisis (which there must be, at this juncture). But I'm not capable of fixing things. I'm not capable of carrying people through. I'm at my wits' end already, just dealing with daily things right now.
The whole thing of this week's call to "share my story" has also entailed spending an entire week putting that story down on paper, which has meant a week straight of revisiting all the traumas, poring over them for material, analyzing to succinctly represent in word. And though the end of the story, even up to this point...is hopeful, due to the Lord's intervention...there's a great deal of difficulty, no less, in now needing to let all the rest somehow be still again.
So, yeah, the past month and some have been...something else.
And this week, even moreso.
I just don't even know, right now. Keep thinking about trying to text or call various of a small handful of people for counsel or just support of some sort, but I just can't bring myself to do so. Everybody has so many things, always. So, I'm here, instead.
And will keep praying. If nothing else, after work tomorrow, there'll be Celebrate Recovery. A time allotted for mutual support, so...maybe will be able to go there and then listen to voicemails and respond to things. And if I end up having a breakdown there, it will be in the midst of people who care. So, maybe safest.
Either way, the Lord will get me through. I'm terrified and bereft.
Attempting to relay the things with some degree of objectivity hasn't helped a whole lot, but a little.
I know the Lord will get me through this, whatever it is. On the whole, to whatever end. Whatever it takes, however He leads...I will wait on Him to direct me. Rushing ahead of Him costs me dearly in time and of obedience, every time. Would rather wait, though it hurts, too.
It would be so, so helpful to be able to spend the entire day in single-minded pursuit of the Lord in midst of congregation on Sundays, still...worship, praise, and instruction, and fellowship, edification of one another. I long for that.
And forgot till now that one aspect of the dream was being visited by someone from the place where I used to drive over an hour to attend, from present location. That was entirely disturbing. Lord help me, please--keep me from going back there.
Times like this, I'd rush in to a place full of demons just to have a few moments of worship in the midst of others...just for the sake of being somewhere amongst others, to worship. But...that's not really good. At all.
Any prayers would be appreciated
I'm so glad He answers.
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