As far as lines in the sand go, it seems every few months...six months?--no idea, just with some amount of regularity, there comes continual point inciting a some-wise public proclamation of intent to continue pursuing Christ at all costs. Generally under incrementally increasing threat of being otherwise demolished and destroyed.
Things just reach magnitude where there comes call to take a stand and make a statement of intent.
Such statements seem to usually be very public professions within context of a some amount of congregation--may well come tomorrow. This seems well for the moment, here, though this space usually isn't sufficient.
I really don't care. When things which otherwise ignored reach a point where threats and accusations have become very direct and increasingly intimidating, if nothing else I need to remember who my Lord is in the face of my enemies. And this, keeping wholly in mind that we don't war against flesh and blood. Not at all. (Well, I war against my flesh--but otherwise, no.)
This all point of public proclamation usually seems to kind of coincide with having reached some precipice or manifest further surrender to the Lord, as acquiescing to His will and direction after a period of grief and/or attempted rationalization away from His call and direction.
Like when He confronted me with the fact that He had no place to lay His head, after having granted me $35,000 while simultaneously leading me to camp out (paying rent) in a kitchen floor and get rid of everything I owned--I did not like any of it. But because Christ is the Lord and He is my Beloved Master, although I argued with Him for months, I ultimately and continually heeded. And learned to cherish His leading.
And...like when He prompted me to leave Florida, despite that there was all and plenty need for many to serve there. I argued that surely He could have found something to keep me busy and well in Florida since He's capable of all things--and, besides, it still would have been an absolute trial on all fronts just to remain there. But He allowed me no peace except to return to family, directing all the while in ways which didn't allow pride to remain intact regarding independence and self-reliance. I did not like that one bit--grated on my soul like nails across a chalkboard. But I did it regardless, for His sake and for love of Him. And over course of it all, He taught me to seek Him in the midst of difficulties and praise Him for the opportunity to gratefully serve in silence (hard to believe the latter part, yeah--definitely still a struggle).
And when money largely departed and He called me to trust Him with my well-being, I did not like that at all--especially given knowledge of my ability to go out and secure excessive funds by any of a number of varied, legitimate means. But I submitted, given months of prayer. And still gave out of what little there was, when directed. So, He led me to prayerfully submit to Him and to trust Him to care for all my needs.
And when He began prompting that the dead need bury their dead, I grieved even to consider departure, despite abject and ongoing humiliation and degradation and defilement and terror. He'd brought me to a point of such peace in His constant manifest presence that the horrors weren't much a concern anymore, except to just want to obey whatsoever He would have me do. And I refused to move except He make it utterly clear. Then He manifested all things necessary, wholly orchestrating the move fairly out of nowhere--circumstances unfolded around me, dizzying. So, He taught me to trust Him to direct my steps and guide me in His will despite my lack of understanding. And He showed me He's capable and willing to preserve, respond, and direct, as I wait upon Him in the midst of pain and torment.
And there've been so many other things He's taught.
And, I won't turn back now.
And, same as ever, my devotion is not because of any strength or goodness in me. But because Christ Himself keeps me and because I trust Him to continue to do so.
Today was the first time in months that a very concerted, entirely direct, personal attack has manifest. With threat of intent to continue, no less.
In the midst of the sheer madness with my Grandad and Granny winter before last, a friend told me something about how her Mom always told her that when things get really intense, it's right before the Lord breaks through (really poor paraphrase--I was so shell-shocked that day...had slept less than three straight hours every night for a week, nearly lost my Grandad, did lose my Granny, and received a death-wish spoken over me by a pastor at what was my Grandad's deathbed). That was before things really got rough. But I took it to heart as much as to remember that moment with a ray of light, as redolent of a truth-filled hope.
But, same as when told that all things would be taken, all things would be lost, and even those whom I love would suffer--then, still, it's not me who has the strength to keep or preserve or protect. Never have, never will.
But Jesus has the strength and the ability and the intent to do so.
So I will continue to trust Him. And I will not cease to pursue Him.
Even as pursuit has been, again and again, in the midst of abject torment and situations which have absolutely all appearances of producing utter loss and dire suffering--He's continually been faithful, He is true to His word, and He has let it be known that all things work to good for those who love Him. Even matters like Paul and the other apostles' martyrdoms, which stand as a historical testament to the absolute truth of who Jesus Christ is and what He's done--such deaths have worked good to the Kingdom, and will be forever to God's glory.
So, I don't care. I will not be dissuaded. I will not be discouraged.
I will not cease moving forward, even as that requires that Christ be the one who moves me.
Because I'm incapable of maintaining momentum or fidelity--He's shown me that again and again.
But Christ is wholly capable. And He is the one who directs my steps.
Onward. And He is my Shepherd. He will forever keep me.
So, even as publicly pronounced over a year ago under similar threat of being continually assaulted and demolished--this all is not said as a threat but as a reminder that He knows what will happen and He is capable and will move those who are His as He sees fit to preserve us. Such that as the enemy comes in attempting full terror, then the Lord may have us even lean just barely to the right or left--however is necessary to preserve us being slaughtered by those blows meant to maim and kill, slaughter and destroy. And we may even be none the wiser--but HE who knows all and who directs the steps of the saints will have His way.
I am not so foolish as to taunt, because it's neither wise nor is it appropriate given the severity and gravity of truth. So, this is not a taunt. It's a restatement of truth, same as spoken six months ago when last given such bold threats as today:
Whatever the worst that's tried, He will get all the more glory for having overcome and thwarted or redirected and reformulated. So whatsoever is attempted--Jesus will overcome. He already has.
This isn't a game. Neither the plain words received earlier this year nor the echoes tossed today have been taken lightly or glossed over. Rather, they are again being taken into subjection to the truth of Christ.
I am well aware that I, personally, flounder and flail with horrid regularity...but that doesn't matter one whit in terms of God's will being done. Christ saves, sanctifies, disciplines, and strengthens me by His Spirit as He sees fit to appropriate His will, directly. And in doing so, He effectively and continually redeems what's otherwise been in error. Because I'm His and because He's good and because He will get glory. And that's the same for all who are His.
He will and does preserve and sanctify those who are His. Period.
And, again, I'm not going to say what I'm tempted to say, because it's not right nor fitting. But will instead say again that He has overcome. There is nothing beyond His control. And there is nothing beyond His ability to redeem, as He sees fit.
So whatever He permits to manifest toward me or others who are His?, He will preserve and sanctify us through--even if as unto eternal glory, having permitted this present life to pass in brevity per such circumstances. Howsoever He wills, though, it will be to His glory. There is nothing else.
And if the threats continue, it had ought also be recognized that it's not those direct to whom they're spoken and insinuated which are truly recipient but Christ, Himself. As noted last time--that's not a light matter.
I well recall that darkness flees when He speaks. Stricken into abject silence, even. And what is that, again?--of how, when the enemy comes in like a flood, His Spirit will raise a banner against, driving them out as though before a rushing river, yet being driven by the very breath of God? I remember. And it's all Him. He promises it will be so. He has promised it will be so. And He fulfills His promises. Whereby, His Word is both a promise and a threat, should it not be heeded. Not something to take lightly, by any means.
So, whatever He permits to manifest and whatever developments He allows will be to His glory--there's nothing that can be done to alter that. Nothing at all. No amount of taunting, terror, or threatening can change it.
So there's no greater peace than to rest in knowing He's sovereign--if He allows trials and threats, then He has reasons and they are good. And just to know He'll be glorified can be enough to praise in the midst of darkest night, under threat of terror and torment.
Likewise, though I lament them, my failures don't matter one whit in terms of His will being accomplished. So, continuing to point fingers at me still utterly and completely ignores the fact that Christ is the sovereign and holy one who has overcome, does reign, and will triumph. If and when I and any of those who are His do fall and fail, He will still redeem--like as unto our discipline, sanctification, and His glory, still.
So, whatever.
His will will be done. Period. And that's all that matters to me.
Whatever comes or whatever goes, Christ remains.
So as much as I may grieve and lament, in all truth and sincerity--He is wholly sufficient to all my needs, and He provides far beyond what is merely needful.
I'm not going to bluff and say things don't and wouldn't hurt to lose--they have, every single time. Still the pains linger.
But in light of Christ's love, such tears are and will be blessedly (if increasingly) shed.
I am less than nothing, so to even dare consider that Christ would own me?, then there's only to pursue Him at all costs. And that has cost all. And always will.
But He's worthy. Completely worthy.
And He preserves me and lavishes love.
So that...is enough.
Whatever comes, He will remain.
Whatever it costs to follow Him, He will remain.
The treasure beyond all reckoning.
And it's in His strength I stand--I'm held upright by His own hand.
He carries me.
So, if I have nothing and I am nothing, then it will ever be for the sake of Christ.
And that's enough.
While praying He would make even less of me, and that He would be more.
The world needs nothing whatsoever of anything I've ever been or ever might become. But of Jesus, the need is unending.
If only I could just completely forget myself and only remember Christ.
Lord--I'm just done.
I can't do the things.
I have failed at everything.
But You remain, and You've preserved me again and again.
I'm just done.
I don't even care.
Just, please, have Your way.
Even if unto silence, I don't care.
Even if unto further isolation, I don't care.
Or if unto fellowship, even, then still You'll have to deliver me.
For Your sake, for the sake of any whom You'd pursue.
Less of me, Lord, please--I can do absolutely nothing.
Have mercy, Lord.
I trust You to have Your way.
Again. And continually.
I just can't do this.
I can't do any of it, Lord.
It's all too much.
But You are able.
I give up, again.
Help me continue to surrender.
I trust You to guide me, to guide my steps and give me speech.
Lord, these things...all things...have Your way.
I've got nothing, apart from You.
I want nothing, apart from You, ultimately.
What bits I would want still fall short of Your glory and aren't worth considering alongside, no matter how precious otherwise.
If the choice is ever You alone, with naught else, then I choose You.
So, whatever Your will, Lord.
I don't care. I'm done.
Whatever Your will, just be my strength and keep me faithful to You.
I cannot do these things set before me.
I can't stand against the darkness or in the midst of it.
But I trust You to lead me.
You'll have to, either way.
I can't. I have no strength to fight.
I have no sight to guide.
I will find shelter in Your presence in the midst of calamity.
I will find strength in Your arms in the pain of desolation.
I will find refuge in Your strength in the midst of confusion.
Thank You, Lord.
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