More Songs and Some Thoughts on Trusting the Lord

Whatever the Lord wills. Praying for direction, praying for guidance. Praying for restraint and for strength. In due course, each and all.

Sin is so...wretched. Tainting everything it touches. Except the Lord graciously restrain, temper the effects.

He does, though. Gratefully.

I've spent other time with people still, recently. So much fear, still, definitely. Talked with someone yesterday--for the first time speaking to anyone entirely openly--about all the fear of harming others by being near them, regarding sin and sinfulness, and in regard to the threats of harm being done to those I care about. 

We all have sinned and the sin nature corrupts us all, I was told. And my sin won't hurt others more than the sin within them hurts them, so to speak. Pride says otherwise, for sure--I'm not finished talking about it with people, because the idea still has a really strong hold.

And of the other, well...nothing was said except that Satan is going to try to do things to prevent fellowship, given that fellowship is such a blessing (and requirement, yes...argh) to our walk with Christ. Period.

Really, though, Christ is the one who has the ultimate say. Nothing will come to any of us unless He ordains or allows. Period.

So, even if I were to go off into the hinterlands and sequester myself--quarantined on some strange island where only those who aren't Christ's beloved ones seem safe to interact with, for fear of otherwise harming holy ones...and for fear of their rejection, especially...then, what would it accomplish? 

And as much as I've idealized the prospect of finding a remote cave to dwell in, since childhood, the reality is far less appealing: I want to be around people. It's just the pain-part that I don't want--but that's not optional, apparently.

We hurt ourselves and one another, apparently, just being human. Which, as another dear friend has pointed out so graciously--we're supposed to bear with one another in love, which implies a need to endure one another...such that fellowship is not expected to be an easy road, in total. So, wanting to refrain from involvement in the pain-aspect of interaction...doesn't let me off the hook. According to Scripture, no less (argh...ok). If I were to refrain from fellowship, that prevents the opportunity for others to bear with me and for me to bear with others--all of which is an very sanctifying process. And, oh wow!--is it, ever!
A few weeks in, in earnest, and I've already contemplated running away to Canada (at least passingly expressed here), prayerfully begged to change churches, have disappeared briefly into the mountains a few times (though no one except the Lord has been the wiser, at those times), and have dredged up and through not all but so many past experiences, traumatic, as part of attempting to rationalize that the Lord allow me to cease pressing on in fellowship--both rationalizing others would be better off to not be near me, begging He'd spare them, and also imploring that I'm just not capable of enduring any more...

...but, yeah...still here.

And...still not sure what He'll have me do.
And still wanting to act rashly and run away. But still being held to wait on God and to wait for whatever would be right or good, according to His will and not mine--whether He directs my steps through input from others or by guiding me, privately, moment by moment.

Lady I spoke with at some length today, though, really strongly made an overall case that sanctification and growth often come by suffering, difficulty, and through pain--even with fellowship. She made point that we're directed to trust Him in the valleys, exercising faith in moments of direst pain and weakness. And we can know He will reward for our faith. (Which...really is rewarding us for something He's given us...) But the whole process mortifies the flesh, leading to greater surrender to Christ.

Growth is not "fun," then. But same lady made a similarly strong case that the way to a deeper love for Jesus is through suffering. So...yeah--that is certainly worth anything, everything.

But that's not a light matter. Especially since pain come by suffering has a way of somewhat sliding toward numbness or bitterness when the injury isn't rightly healed.

And the lady, today, also made a very strong argument that pains which the Lord brings to fore or allows to surface aren't meant to just be clung to and endured alone--we are to cast our cares upon Christ and give Him our burdens. We are to hand Him the pain.

Continually. 

That He would help us carry it...and heal us. Because He wants us to be whole in Him.

Which is the same thing that's been reverberating for a brief while, now. And was basically told me yesterday by another blessed saint, with much the same message--He wants to deal with the things He's bringing to fore. Pain isn't something which comes for no reason. And with what's resurfaced, of prior traumas? If I've been permitted to run--having had no idea how to deal with what's happened--for all my life up till now, and suddenly am no longer permitted to keep running while all the many things are coming up to the fore? He has reasons. He wants me to deal with the things. He wants to heal.

I don't know how, but the Lord will. Because He knows.

So I don't get to be defiant. Not that I really want to be, anyway--there's just so much fear over general confusion, uncertainty, and in regard to the pain, is all. Same as with physical injuries, going to someone to have them tended--knowing the pain will likely be increased as part of the process of dealing with an injury has often restrained from seeking help or led to resistance against, even pulling away from, having injuries tended. But I'm not being permitted to "tend" my own wounds in silence, now. Apparently.

And it's like that. Wow. Just like that. 

Just seems like the whole thing with shame and with distrust--especially distrust of the Lord's deliverance from and restraint of my own sin--has to be dealt with, as part of this all. Either I'm going to trust Him or not. I know He's changed me. And He's changing me, still.

There's still so much wreckage and so much sin, but there's nothing for it except to continue seeking to draw nearer to God. Nothing else. And to trust He'll direct my steps and the steps of others, along the process.

Focusing on my sin hasn't done me good, though. The more I see of it, the larger it looms, and the larger it gets, the more encompassing it seems, and the more focused on my sin and shame I get, the less I trust Christ and the fullness of His atonement (treasonous): rather, the more I see my sin, and the more I hear and see of the horrid wretchedness in all the world and in specific others, the more I see every treachery, every abuse, every horror in myself. And am then bound under such a weight of guilt, knowing I'm completely capable of every bit as much wickedness as anyone else has ever done.

But there's a difference between knowing I'm capable and actively succumbing to temptation, continually committing all manner of sin. And as long as I'm focused on my wretchedness, treachery, and guilt...the line between unrepentantly committing sin and being capable of all manner of sin becomes increasingly non-existent, as goes perception. Sin distorts perspective. 

I'll have to trust the Lord, is all. If I can't comprehend anything else, whatsoever, I will cling to the knowledge that I can trust Jesus. He's delivered me from so much. And restrains me from so much. There's nothing else for this present dilemma but to trust Him.

I'm just going to keep seeking Him, either way.

Whatever He wills. However He leads.

Whether I err or obey...I'm going to trust He'll keep me. There's nothing else.

Talking to people who know the Lord has helped so much, though, despite that some of what's been disclosed has been entirely difficult to openly discuss--enough so that it's not and won't be written.

But what is it about there being "safety in a multitude of counselors?"

And I'm still not so keen on figuring out the financial aspects of obedience. But it's not up to me. I'm the Lord's--He'll line me out. Should take until right around the time this life has ended. (Though financial stuff may come before that point.) 

Eh. Not like I've got anything else to do. 

Nothing more important, at least. 

Will go read. Seek the Lord.

Things.

And tomorrow. 

Oh, tomorrow...I dread. Tomorrow and Thursday.

I will trust the Lord to lead me in a way which is both temperant and glorifying to Him.

And to note: I did find out about one of my birthday presents. It's something most folks would probably look askance at me for even being pleased over, as far as attributing any sort of significance whatsoever--but I'm utterly thrilled. May mention it here after the fact. Maybe.

Either way. 

And there gets to be church-things two Saturday mornings in a row, too. ^_^ Which means I probably may not disappear into the wilderness for a day. Maybe. Still uncertain--will find out when the time comes. 

Just, yes...must keep bringing pain to the Lord, who will help bear and will heal. 

Must praise, in the midst. And must trust Him to guide all the steps and line out all the strangeness. My sin isn't greater than His ability to redeem. My madness isn't stronger than His ability to clarify and cleanse. He is able. And He loves.