Just made a complete fool of myself in front of the church elders, one by one. Providing slight articulation of overall struggles, and having it seem strange--yup.
Staggering sideways as though intoxicated or unwell--yup...thanks vertigo.
Being unable to refrain from crying, in the midst of a mere greeting--oh, yes.
Totally incapable of articulating what the struggle in, while nonetheless attempting speech--of course.
Self-referential, prideful mention of events which have no reference to current discussion--why not.
Cowering in fear when being given a moment to disclose a burden--sure.
And only the Lord knows what all else, in the mix.
Defensiveness, argumentativeness, and boasting, surely.
Probably a harsh tone, too, unawares.
So much may just be a matter of being lonely. And that rankles. Especially in contemplation of having the fellowship of the Lord's presence.
It's not as though my schedule allows for anything more than there is, at this point. It's not as though I don't engage in conversation with people, when there's opportunity. It's not as though I'm not involved in ongoing, regular interaction even with other saints.
So why such a burden of loneliness, still? I mean, there was even opportunity to speak with a friend from elsewhere for a couple hours, last night, via phone. And all day yesterday was spent in service and fellowship. And all day today, too.
And even conversation with one of roommates has been such a blessed and somewhat regular event.
So I don't understand this. Or maybe there's something more specific, and I'm just not seeing clearly?
I don't walk alone. I enter fellowship as often as it's possible.
Prior to having breakdown, one fellow and his wife were talking to me about the grace of the Lord being manifested more blatantly during service unto others. Am I not serving enough?
With what energy am I to serve? Unless the Lord gives strength and makes opportunity available as with yesterday, how am I to serve?
Except that I finally cried out for mercy, that the Lord would help, I hadn't even been managing to enter other, far more vital matters over the past couple weeks. He'd been maintaining me through other means, over the while, but finally restored me to ability to undertake other, vital matters mid-week this past.
I will do whatever He would have me do, but it will have to be in His strength--I have none. Even managing to take part in conversation requires intervention, so very, very often.
And yet there are others, even, who have endured far more trying situations and who are enduring far more grievous sufferings.
Lord, I don't know what You would have me do.
I don't know what You want of me.
The only strength I have is what You give.
And the only peace I have is Yours.
I have no reason for getting up in the morning, other than You.
I don't know to do, Father.
I'm scared. I feel so very alone, even knowing it's not the case.
I feel so very confused and conflicted, even knowing my rest is in You.
Help me, Lord. Direct me, Father.
Show me what You have me do.
I don't know. And I'm tired of falling apart and falling into error for not seeking Your will from the outset.
I'm weary of being weary for struggling in my own strength.
I don't even understand this pain, Lord.
I don't understand what I'm longing for.
What is this? What am I in need of?
What would You have me do?
You've told me You will provide for me.
That You will take care of me, protect me, give me strength, and keep me near.
And You have, and I thank You.
I give You praise before the nations, dearest Savior.
Noting my needs are even far less than others, Lord.
Help them. Shield them. Protect them, from without and within.
Keep their hearts and minds fixed on You, Dearest Lord.
You are our all, Jesus. We have no one and nothing, truly, apart from You.
So direct their steps and their thoughts. Please, Lord.
Have mercy on us who love You.
Let Your love invade the pain, the heartache, the fear.
Let Your love banish the darkness which seeks to overwhelm.
Let Your love be a shelter in the midst of these storms.
A haven of constant refuge and sustenance, in the midst of all uncertainty.
Direct us, Lord. We would be crushed by our enemies, except that Your strength restrains.
Direct us in Your ways. Let not the oppressed who love You ever be ashamed.
Glorify Yourself through us, in us, and through the manifest of Your will unto us.
Let those who would stand against You be aghast, seeing Your power to save.
Have mercy on us, Lord.
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