No putting the hand to the plow and turning back. A recent bit perused discussed that in terms of signifying events surrounding the request to say farewell to family, cultural traditions.
Celebration. Lengthy celebration, as a farewell.
It's not been that way, when each step has proceeded. No celebrations with lengthy goodbyes.
Though one is dragging out at a distressing and extended rate, at this point. But not celebratory by any means.
About a month ago, I'd gone through process of blocking phone numbers and expecting a sufficient end to some particularly distressing interactions as tended to undermine reliance upon the Lord. Within a week (maybe two?), I was confronted with numerous of those whose numbers had been blocked, though. I gave up and unblocked the numbers, as it seemed the Lord wasn't going to let me so easily and succinctly force an end to interaction.
Still not sure what to do. I'm no longer experiencing panic attacks in response to being in the presence of these folks. But it's not safe to be around them, either. And yet I don't have the option to move.
The Lord opened numerous doors to put me where I am--it wasn't a matter of choice, but acceptance. And I haven't the means or ability to go elsewhere, even if I wanted to move. It's not an option.
My landlord is someone who attends my current church, at least--so there's a certain degree of reassurance per that fact.
I don't want to freely interact with folks who actively do damage to my walk with the Lord, is all. It's one thing to interact with folks, with love, and just taking things as they are and praying the Lord would guide. But so much of what had passed in the year and some prior to ceasing to seek out the fellowship of those otherwise being considered...was utterly destructive and detrimental to trusting Jesus and being led of Him. Actively being told and influenced not to trust His guidance.
There were constant admonitions against self-reliance, too, yes--but not directing to Him. Rather, directing to group solidarity. Being told that my life and dependence upon the Lord before becoming accepted into the group was a special experience which was going to be replaced by group mentoring and direction.
Direction given based upon Scriptural precepts, but without prayerful interpretation each to each. Every time counsel was sought in earnest resulted in painful, sharp, undermining, confusing, and otherwise confounding rebuke with undertone being that I wasn't doing enough.
Except for rare moments of encouragement in the Lord. Which were sought with much earnestness. Needed desperately. But in the midst of so much otherwise confusion that it's still not cleared, over half a year later.
I wanted someone to disciple me, though--someone to speak from a position of having long walked with the Lord, sharing of Him, speaking truth. And it seemed so many others had someone specific or even two particular elders whom they would turn to with all their heart's troubles, seeking counsel. Such were seen as a spiritual parent--even sometimes called as much.
But none for me, consistently. Rebuke, suspicion, and scoffing, more often: I didn't reach out enough. I wasn't dependent enough. I didn't seek enough counsel.
Yet, continually--prayerfully deciding to take a course which was known to be one that would be unadvised--I nonetheless spoke with church leadership to discuss the action before beginning.
When I started attending other churches, again, most especially. Was that in November? October?
October was when I'd make the public plea to the Lord, through Facebook--an account now deleted which will remain deleted. It's enough that I still live next door to a handful whose ideology proved so destructive and impossible to bear.
Not for lack of love. But for lack of ability to endure teaching which left continual exhortation to go and do, in such a way as oft left me broken under the weight of being confronted by my abject inabilities: I can't bear up under the pressures of life. I can't be successful and well and whole and good.
I'm not capable. And yet, unless I was doing things which were openly known, I wasn't serving God well.
But all my life prior to acknowledging Christ's sufficiency is a testament to my utter inability to do right by Him or anyone else, in my own strength, by my own initiative, according to my own understanding.
And I don't know if perhaps there may be those at that church whom the Lord was leading under the same messages but in ways which were moreso unto dependence upon Him. But I'm not one such. Always, my eyes would begin on Him and end on me.
Everything I heard ultimately led me to strive in my own strength, depend upon others, and hold the counsel of church elders to higher esteem than the Lord's own leading. Many times I outright defied and refuted the Lord's guidance because it conflicted with what those around me were telling me. Many times. Grievous.
Unto further and further confusion, though. Which, again, has still not fully cleared.
I'm still being taught again how to rest in Him and trust His guidance, how to discern His will and heed His instructions. Even as especially when His leading conflicts with everything reasonable and right according to otherwise external appearances.
He let me get really into the secondary church I'd started attending again (from years prior, returned to), last year. Yet once He led me out of fellowship with the one which I'd been primarily suffocated by, then He led me out of the other church, too.
There'd been very few at the local church which had taken time with me, without there seeming ulterior motive. Few, who even seemed to be placed alongside, of the Lord's doing. But leaving the church meant necessarily refraining from even attempting to contact them. Under expectation that there might be attempt to get me to return, if nothing else.
And out of fear, I didn't contact anyone except for those few who He led me to speak peace to at the end.
And of those few who were blessings...I'd been avoiding some for other, far more confusing reasons, even prior to leaving the church. A reason, really. But I'd completely forgotten that for months--mostly refusing to even acknowledge it, from the outset. Still would have failed to remember or even process what was going on, of avoidance, except for being reminded within the past couple months. Still surrendering to the Lord.
I'm just so confused about so many things. But I trust the Lord. And I will trust the Lord. No matter what.
So, I can't move, except the Lord move me. I can't avoid, except the Lord allow.
I could block phone numbers again. Or, block more phone numbers again, rather. But I don't even know if that's right at this point.
And, along those lines, I keep wondering if there's even need or call to personally have the conversation with my earthly father which seemed so pressing just a couple weeks ago.
I don't know. I have absolutely no idea what to do. It's certainly easier to technologically distance oneself from people who have been inadvertently but consistently harmful (despite attempt to confront it, numerous times--all of which ended up being destructive, rather than productive)...when there's more than a parcel of grass and two walls separating.
But the Lord knows what He's doing. I trust Him, even being so totally uncertain of what I see and of what happens on a day to day basis.
There's almost a voice that tries to step in again, at that thought, though--reprimanding and mocking trust in the Lord, regarding matters of such obvious conflict and difficulty.
Again and again, that voice still tries to come back. Even as it did through those whom I'm presently distanced from (if only per refraining from open attempt to interact and per my dependence upon the Lord to otherwise protect me, despite proximity).
You're not doing enough. If you really..., you'd...
You think He wants you to honor Him by doing ...? Wow. You realize that's ...
Yeah, pray. But act, too. He doesn't want you to just ...
You have to do ... if you want to actually follow Him.
You can't just not do anything. Yeah, you're praying, but you have to act too.
And on, and on, and on, ad infinitum.
And I heeded all that for a long while, while amongst the group presently being avoided.
Except in regard to my internet-based job--I didn't give in on that point.
And eventually, except in regard to beginning to attend other churches.
And eventually, except in regard to the unwavering insistence that I was not going back to that church. Ever.
I spoke with three of my neighbors on that account--one the night prior to the first service intentionally missed. Two, the night of that same first service missed--became a rather painful interrogation, ending with a plea to the Lord that it was "enough."
And I spoke with a third--a female elder--a week later. Prayerfully, if unwillingly, endeavored.
And I pleaded all the while that the Lord wouldn't make me go to speak to the pastor again, nor to any of the male elders. Within a couple weeks, reaching a point of being willing for knowing He'd give the strength and the words, if He so directed as to go--I became willing to go, if He called me to. Willing to endure another bout of interrogation and undermining commentary.
I was terrified, an utter emotional wreck, but willing nonetheless.
And when things became bad enough--after being convicted to also withdraw from the secondary church which had helped to assert distance sufficient to withdraw from the first--lacking immediate fellowship with believers and fearing to enter fairly all churches...
...I got so desperate as to go back to a church which had known affiliation with the first one I'd left. Experienced something of acceptance, even absolutely fearing what would come of discussion with the lead pastor. But throwing myself on the mercy of the Lord to preserve me and guide the interaction, I went.
The pastor was out of town on a three month sabbatical. So, I was able to shelter there for a while. Until mention of membership began. Which...I was willing, if the Lord was, but the mere mention was disturbing. So I prayed.
And shortly after beginning attendance, I received contact from one of the very few whom the Lord had sincerely comforted me through, many times, from the initial church left. I was so afraid to meet with her. Terrified of what might come--believing she was still in fellowship with the other church. But I was so desperate for a moment of sanctuary in the presence of another believer, I was prayerfully willing to endure whatever might come.
Instead of rebuke or chastisement, I learned her family and another of particular blessing (though somewhat avoided, with no small degree of confusion)...had left the church. And been led to another. To the church where my landlord goes.
I was so afraid. Afraid to leave the other, newer church, for fear of offending. But I wanted so much to be with those who had been such a blessing and who remained such beacons of the Lord's love, given opportunity to be near them all again.
And it's blessedly been even with increased opportunity to interact, now. Despite lingering confusion and fears.
So, I withdrew from the "affiliated" church, having experienced difficulty at the pastor's return. Still enjoyed the fellowship of a few the blessed saints there, even so much as to pray the Lord might make opportunity to see them again at some later date--but only as doesn't create conflict.
But no more fellowship with those who live around me. Apart from the Lord's direct intervention, at least. There's way too much to fear, there, and bits and pieces of it increase by the day. Sheltering wickedness never bodes well.
I hadn't felt surrounded before, though. I hadn't realized I am surrounded. And, even now--I mean, what can I do? There's nothing, except pray and trust the Lord. I don't want to fear, though it presses in periodically regardless what's actually taking place...
...but I don't know what to do, apart from trusting Jesus will lead me and shelter me. So, I'm going to keep praying. Because there really isn't anything I can do.
I'm assuming He'll either move me or move them.
They made it known when I left the church that they expected me to move. But that's only going to happen as the Lord does so. I didn't move here of my own initiative, I'm not leaving except He intervene.
Incapacitation has a way of making it "easier" to wait on the Lord, though. Having no alternative whatsoever makes dependence and conscious reliance upon and expectation of His mercies "easier."
When impossibility surrounds, there's no choice but to trust Him.
And I guess I'd rather have it no other way.
As much as that means life is one giant mass of chaos and utter confusion, apart from resting in the knowledge and presence of Christ's love.
Like when He confronted me with my immediate, impending death, while I was falling off the balcony--that made surrender a secure and resounding choice. Despite that it was soon forgotten, once He'd driven death away and even while He rehabilitated me to read and use numbers and walk and do life.
And He was quickly forgotten, again--though mercifully briefly, this time--after being restored to the ability to walk, nearly three years ago, upon coming to terms with the fact that God alone was capable of making ways where there are none...while also coming to terms with the fact that He would do so.
And the more time I spend dealing with impossibilities, consciously recognized and surrendered as such, on a daily basis...the "easier" it gets to trust Him. Still goes against all logic, still goes against all human reasoning, still absolutely rankles everything which still attempts to process life according to the world's understanding...but He brings the impossible to pass, continually, without regard to my limited ability to comprehend or conceive the possibilities and resolutions He manifests.
So, as things become more impossible, He'll make Himself all the more known. I'm experiencing it on a daily basis, even without requiring conscious awareness of the process. He doesn't ask me to attempt to understand or plan everything, He just leads me from one step to the next and lines each one out along the way.
As much as I'm seeing that on a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment basis at work and home, then He's also surely doing the same in regard to community and church and fellowship. So, while the temptation to do so remains very active...verbally berating myself over situations recent or past is known pointless and needlessly painful, and I'm tired of it. I'm too exhausted to give in to that temptation. I don't have the energy for the sort of anxiety that would arouse, right now. Nor have I had enough energy to maintain that level of anxiety for a number of days, mercifully. If exhaustion means surrender to trusting the Lord, then well enough.
He's given gifts, so even though they don't make sense and even though they've sometimes seemed very strangely ordered in terms of the burden seeming entailed, all I'm going to do is thank Him and pray for those whom He's so deeply blessed me through.
I don't understand. I have absolutely no idea what's going on, on the whole. Attempts to figure things out are utterly short-sighted and partially blind, at best, and I'm tired of trying to sort things given such limited (absent) understanding of what the Lord's actual will is, in any given moment, even as unto the next. So I'm especially too tired to attempt to maneuver false conception of understanding what's going on in relation to me and my life.
There was some verse in Isaiah not long ago traversed, talking about how He makes our way straight. Or maybe it was something about walking mountains. Something about ways being difficult, but made passable. But for just a moment, it clicked.
We do walk through extremely treacherous terrain, who are His (valley of the shadow of death, anyone?). We walk through the midst of predators, being assaulted by devious powers of the air who even influence those yet under the devil's power, pressing them toward rage against us. (We would still be the same as them, though, except Christ has had mercy on us.) But the Lord guides every one of our steps, so that we won't slip. He makes the way before us seem utterly broad, thus easy to walk. Despite that the terrain is slippery and utterly steep, He makes it easy for us as we walk one single, solitary, small step at a time. We won't slip. We won't stumble. We won't fall. He holds us and guides and protects us.
Whereas, those who don't follow Him...are felled by such steep and difficult obstacles as we surmount by His leading and keeping and power. They attempt the mountain in their own strength, only to stumble and fall, perishing.
But He guides our every step, securely, such that even the most difficult ascent becomes easy. Taking one small step at a time, He leads.
So, I await His direction. I will wait upon Him.
I'd been mocked and derided for it, before, as seeming inaction.
But if He's in no hurry, then why should I be?
He is my Managing Director. And my Direct Supervisor.
He's God.
I used to long to tell people who were giving me a hard way to go...in some way to tell them to take it up with Management. But if He won't give me speech in a moment, or even if He allows me to speak in ways which are coarse or blundering or entirely errant...then either way, I have to return back to Him, myself. Again and again.
Seeking direction, guidance, and correction.
I can't do it, on my own.
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