There are bits and pieces I'm aware of, yes--I'm aware He's still working out a lot of damage and trauma and coarseness and hardness and callousness and mistrust. Bit by bit, very gradually broadening my awareness. Without needing me to remain constantly cognizant of where I'm at, in the process. And, really, remaining trusting of the Lord seems to be far, exceedingly more helpful than otherwise attempts to hold onto where things are and where I'm at in processing the past.
Things come to mind--memories--and there's sorrow and pain and some amount of shock, moreover. But, increasingly, there's awareness of my Father's love, in the midst. Such that the pain and all else is regarded from a position of security and comfort, rather than from one of continued fear and uncertainty.
So, it's okay to look at the pain. It's okay to feel it. Because it can't crush me beyond Christ's ability to maintain shattered, broken, devastated pieces within the encompassing, abiding, overpowering presence of His sovereign love.
Rather than continuing to attempt to convince myself "I don't care," as had long been the score when pain and rejection were especially overwhelming...He has continually turned me to recognize that it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to care. It's okay to be utterly devastated, even. While all the while securely resting (being kept) in His love, neither fear or pain can destroy me.
I'm safe.
And there will probably be moments again, in future, when the fire becomes hotter still and when even more fear is driven to the surface, even deeper pains are unveiled...and, if the process thus far has been any indication, I'll possibly be a wretched, grieving, lamenting, anxiety-ridden, perhaps caustic, frantic mess again...till He again brings me to a position of having brought all such matters into subjection to the truth of who He is and the truth of His will toward me. Bring me to rest in Him and abide in His love in the midst of whatsoever chaos has been revealed.
Skimming dross. Again and again. Hotter fire, to separate.
I trust my Lord. I have trusted Him with my life, my heart, my soul, my mind, and all my strength (even if moments at a time, at the least--yet increasingly deeply and more encompassingly as a lasting whole).
I have nothing, apart from Him and whatsoever He so graciously allots for howsoever long a time as He ordains. I am nothing, except for whatsoever He would mold and shape me to be--even redeeming ill from years prior through surrender as unto His use.
And though I fail to maintain complete integrity in pursuit of Him and in honoring Him with all my thoughts, words, and actions at all times...I trust and know He will cleanse me, increasingly, and draw me ever nearer Himself such that obedience will increase in measure to the increase of love for Him.
As He keeps me. As He draws me. As I pursue Him, to whatever lengths or breadths or heights or depths He would be found by me.
I really have absolutely nothing else to do with my life. Distraction does come, time to time, and I do momentarily forget--lose my bearings, and falter from awareness of being His, completely, to direct as He wills.
But life has again and again been taken from me. Again and again, yet only restored at His behest. A constant reminder that it is fleeting and that it is His to give and take as He would will.
It's the same for all of us. Our lives are in His hands. The beating of our heart is to a rhythm He ordained, and He knows its finite number and beautiful cadence intimately.
There is a rhythm to life, and it sings of Him.
For He is good. And His love endures forever.
And being where I am--so seemingly oddly situated and totally isolated from other believers except for blessed moments, aside--is still far "easier" than what the expected alternative was. I'd expected to end up living as a wanderer, already--traveling with a tent and trusting the Lord to direct in how to survive. (There were very small measures taken to attempt to prepare for life of such means, but...the whole really expected abject reliance upon Him.)
I've met one who did as much upon initially coming to know Christ. Wandered into an Indian settlement somewhere in California, proclaiming the Gospel, as part of travels. Though she doesn't know whether the Lord saved any of them, she felt compelled nonetheless.
When I met her--away from where my current residence is, in another state--she had her emergency blinkers on, parked on the side of the road on a backwoods, at night. Wasn't going to stop, but was told to.
She had emergency lights on because she was experiencing a crisis of faith, regarding being led back into civilization--finding it so difficult to walk amongst a society which ignores and refutes God per every gesture, whereas mere rote interaction tends to erode even the most ardent saint's constant, silent thanksgiving unto Him.
He's still leading her, though. Lord willing, there may be more than random messages regarding prayer, at some point.
I could almost and did almost envy her going the literal trek into the wilderness. But I ask the Lord, again and again--it's not what's been given at this point. Maybe some other time. Maybe not at all. I don't know. Same deal regarding maybe, possibly leaving the country.
I will go if He would have me go. But no matter how strong the compulsion, except that He give me leave to act, to move...I'm not going to.
The week I arrived in the town of current residence, there were two whom He led me to as witness. Spent two days, graciously given, telling them of who He is, what He's done in my life, sharing what I've read and experienced and know. They invited me to "go homeless" with them. For so many reasons and primarily of the Lord's restraint...I didn't go.
No apartment to keep me, then. No lease. No contractual obligations--only a new job which was utterly mobile. With a monthly, lifelong stipend sufficient to cover base monthly bills of a very minimal sort.
I was very tempted. But ultimately told them I wasn't my own, as to go.
So, despite the certain fears which amassed in remaining...I stayed here.
Meeting the one last Christmas, though--having blessed fellowship with her for hours after midnight, upon seeking her out in late-night distress regarding abject need for fellowship and unrelenting concern for her wellness--that was part of coming to terms with losing everything again, for sake of having Christ.
I told Him, then, in the presence of one from then-current church...that if pursuing Him wholeheartedly meant losing everything, even the church--thus losing every nearby presence whatsoever constituting fellowship in the Lord, to revert to total isolation--then so be it, I would have Him and nothing else if that was what was required. It did happen.
The whole of life isn't pursuit of some major thing/work to come or about "big stuff" going on. It's about individually needing Him, loving Him, and pursuing right knowledge of God at the expense of all else--just part of being able to know Him as He is, to esteem Him as He is. Because He's glorious and worthy beyond imagining, thus forsaking every distraction is required for ability to see and know Him more clearly--no matter how painful the process of being cleansed of even partial idols. I have so far to go.
I trust Him to cleanse me and to keep me, though: Even something so seemingly basic and utterly vital as reading Scripture isn't something I can manage to muster to maintain diligence in, except that He gives grace. As I pray, He does.
I don't have to understand what all His will is, then--if I can't even manage to maneuver a simple thing like reading, in my own strength, why would it somehow benefit me to understand His machinations of the world or even my own life? Rather, it would distract me all the more, most likely. But I want to understand what He is working--with every fiber of my being, most days, do I want to. But I don't have to in order to have peace and obey Him.
I just need Him. That's all. And I want to know Him. That's really the heart of the matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment