Striving unto God. But not in our own strength. Being washed in the Word, though, all along the while. Even the bits which don't make sense still have impact. So, continuing to pore over all which He has given is worthwhile, regardless comprehension: As longing to understand more, and not without hope.
He leads, though--all the while. Even while we're striving according to our own abilities, howsoever limited they actually are--still, it's as He leads.
He draws us, first. He said He would. (Many months of praying about "Many are called but few are chosen," now--really curious.)
Today included a minor revelation of how much work I'm yet attempting in my own strength. Even while trusting Jesus is giving me the strength to make it through the day, daily--still, I'm striving right along with Him and often unfortunately giving in to anxiety rather than remaining focused on His infinite ability.
As far as writing, the other day, in regard to understanding what He's said after having been given revelation--per being brought into a position of capacity for understanding--there's still edict to continue striving unto Him, with all whatever strength we do possess, regardless of understanding.
From what I read, though...any good or any right action or pursuit still is ultimately grace, through faith in Him. So even striving toward Him in our strength is somehow still per grace.
We're all variably deluded, per the workings and lingering effects of sin unto minds and hearts otherwise longing for Christ--none of us seeks after Him, apart from His intervention. So none who seek after Him do it wholly per their own strength...but whatsoever extent to which the carnal mind is attempting to maneuver a means of approaching unto Him on its terms rather than His? Will require being brought into subjection to Christ, over time.
We're all fighting so many battles, though. Within and without. And the spiritual aspect is what makes it so difficult to discern much of what's at work, often. Especially when tied up with seemingly benign matters.
I heard a talk, once, considering what it means to be Christian "in the world"--discussing or considering what it is to be in the world and not of it, having at one's disposal all the many goods and pleasures afforded by creation and society (specifically referring to those which aren't inherently wicked, however). There was a consideration of this along lines of someone being in the ocean, enjoying the water, but going to a bottle of water for thirst--knowing the briny sea would do harm, despite also being water.
There's something about that which just seems slightly off, though. I'm not at all wholly sanctified--longing for the day when that will come--but the idea of being immersed in various seemingly innocuous pasttimes, to the extent implied by making comparison to someone playing in the waves? It's a troublesome idea.
You're still being influenced by the water, at that point--your body is being inundated and saturated, porous as skin is. Not the same as filling a cup and drinking it, no, but still...a slower succumbing to ills.
...we're not supposed to be attached to the things which ultimately distract from Christ, and especially not supposed to "love"/idolize/unduly esteem things of this world. We're not supposed to be defined by the world--neither by ideals which the world touts as all-encompassing and vital, nor by its edicts regarding what entails a satisfying lifestyle.
We're defined by our God, rather--finding meaning and purpose and fulfillment in Him. Through Christ Jesus, our Lord.
Bits and pieces of attachment can crop up, though, for being so surrounded and inundated. Especially as unconscious insinuations abound, regarding what's "right" and "good," in various conversations which aren't always necessarily wholly bent upon honoring God.
But the Lord directions and expectations for us which are of importance. And He has provided so much direction, in terms of what's right and good and well for us to do, be, and pursue, even as in the midst of the world (1 Cor. 10:31, Colossians 3:23).
And we can rejoice in what He gives, giving Him honor and glory and praise by enjoying and being grateful for what He's provided--whether in regard to warm homes and healthy meals, heartwarming conversations and edifying relationships, or the beauty of a misty sunrise and of stars glistening pristine on a cloudless night.
Glorifying Him, with a heart full of gratitude, ever acknowledging He is God who gives and takes away--we can rejoice and enjoy while remaining grounded in realization that He may take away, though still He is worthy of praise and is full of unfathomable love and incomprehensible mercy toward us. Or, perhaps even better, to rejoice and enjoy while never beginning to cling to anything except Christ, Himself.
That's much a matter of perspective, though. And who can maintain such a perspective, when everything of society demands attention--attempting to incite fear and anxiety over the prospect of pain and loss, urging us to acquire more, and to strive for security only through visible, tangible means?
There's an odd balance, there, but the Lord can make it happen. He doesn't want us to despair, but we're also not to work toward some unattainable pinnacle of perceived security through acquisition of prestige, popularity, and wealth. Yet, we are to pursue godliness through pursuits which generally entail difficult work, entail use and acquisition of monied things, and entail methods and modes of living which will honor Him in the midst of societies which otherwise scoff at the notion of an eternal perspective (let alone making it priority).
These are things which have been prayerfully reconsidered since being granted the currently position I'm in, occupationally. There comes pressure on all sides, fairly frequently--attempted discussion of furthering my education, recurrent mention of my prospective career development, periodic mention of varied potential prospects for promotion, and just general pressure to "go further" and "be successful" and "have a good life."
And I want none of those things, quite frankly, as the world understands them.
I'm there because the Lord led me there and allowed me the position (for however long He permits). I'd never even heard of the type work I'm doing, prior to applying. Didn't even know what the job was until mid-way through my second interview, and found out briefly after being hired that I knew far less about the position than I'd even then presumed. Helping people. By God's grace, if at all--I have no idea how to help.
To go back a bit:
Part of coming to Christ in 2014 was letting go of the idea that meaning could be sustained through social and professional endeavors. Apart from Christ, it's all meaningless, though. But the world has no means of knowing that, for continually rejecting truth--so, it continues blindly asserting that pursuit of various worldly means and accomplishments are sufficient to sustain and prosper a soul.
I tried it for a long while. It's hollow. Unsustainable.
Doesn't mean I don't still drift toward doubt and self-berating over not having maintained a position of even minor prestige and accomplishment in the world's eyes, sometimes (and then, mercifully, I remember Christ). The whole school thing is a big one, on that front, though--someone even openly pitied me, once, over my decision to refrain from graduate courses.
As though it's not good enough to just be alive. Seriously. And to know Christ, in addition to being alive?--there's really nothing higher, greater, and more fulfilling to hope for and work towards. Seriously. This, coming from someone who would rather be dead--and who tried to make it happen, many times--except that Christ intervened and has continued to intervene and will continue to intervene on all counts.
The position I'd been allotted immediately prior to the present is another which wasn't satisfactory for numerous folks--for a long while, there was a lot of pressure to get another job. Anything more. Just something else. Despite that the position was one which the Lord had seen so fit to make sufficient to my needs--financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually (though I wasn't a good steward, for sure, of the financial). The pressure was still there from others, though, and it was very openly applied for the first month and some after having relocated to my present town.
Externally applied, but that was eventually internalized for a while.
Lots of anxiety resulted.
Today provided reminders of those-type pressures. They were present on a couple of fronts throughout the day.
When those sort of pressures first began at place of work--shortly after being hired--I was extremely resistant even to the point of being contentious. Refused to even discuss. Refused to acknowledge. Refused to listen.
The Lord's very kind and patient, though. Reminding me it's not up to me--gradually over time bringing me back around to knowledge of His sovereignty in my life in regard to all things, even the employment of my time and strengths (really difficult not to put that last word in quotation marks).
He led me to this position, in what I thought was a only a bout with compulsive grasping toward other occupation of my time--I thought I was being ungrateful, for seeking so compulsively to find something other than what He'd already so graciously given as a gainful occupation of time. But with the way things have gone, and as increasing awareness of what this particular professional role actually entails...it's unmistakably something He's led me into.
And I'd thought the whole deal leading up to the interview was somewhat irrational behavior. But, no, not on the Lord's end. He leads however He chooses--even against my will and without my awareness, most times, gladly and graciously.
So, with the work-place--whatever He wills. I don't want to do the things more than already being done. But, if He wills I would do something else, He'll temper my resistance to whatever comes up and whatever He leads me into while He leads me onward into whatever He wills. That's been the way of it, again and again--to deeper submission to His will, deeper surrender to His leading, and deeper dependence upon Him for all ability to function. Even when it hurts, and even when my own thoughtlessness during such striving requires having to make amends or generally humble myself before a roomful of people, thereafter. However goes.
He knows what's necessary. He knows what's right. He knows what's good for us to do. Even if we dig in our heels like indignant toddlers--arms crossed in defiance, scowling at the prospect of doing anything because, "I don't wanna!" Then, still: He is our Father...and He has ways of bringing us around, usually gently (though also per whatever He deems is warranted according to His ultimate will for us).
As part of that, He tempers us--gentles, mellows, and instills a divine graciousness. Unto greater conformity to His will, He draws us into a place of increasingly more loving obedience.
Bit by bit, He does bring every rebel power into the open, into the light--overcoming each and every one, thus revealed.
Psalms with pleas that God would search the heart and mind, come to mind periodically. Especially as there's something of request that He would reveal what's there--test the heart to see what's displeasing to Him, then to correct it, and lead us in His ways. (Psalm 139:23-24) There's overt implication He will do this, for it having been asked of Him.
Which means He will bring into the open, into the light whatever in our hearts yet displeases Him, and He will correct these things, too. He doesn't show us how wretched me are and then leave us in misery over our horrid wickedness. He shows us our wretchedness, and then we can see Him and know He has paid the price that we can be delivered, that we have been delivered into His righteousness. And we repent, even crying out for His help over and over again over time. Even if He gradually changes us, then still--He does change us.
And it's Him doing the work, on that front.
Pursuing Him, drawing nearer to Him...loving Christ...implies these such things will be part of the process. He sanctifies, after all.
So, bits which don't conform to Him are revealed for what they are--and bit by bit, they're dealt with by His Spirit. Unto repentance, deliverance...unto more encompassing dependence.
That's one thing which continues to perplex me, so deeply--we have been made holy and acceptable in Christ. We are seated with Him in heavenly places.
Yet the work in and unto us still continues in the here and now.
I get so easily caught up in a desire for total sanctification, though--but He hasn't ordained that to be the case.
There's something about the process of coming to know Him, though, and of being incrementally pruned and reshaped...which is just so...deeply wonderful. Gradually to increase in knowledge of Him, to grow to love Him more deeply over time?--there's something which is very much a blessing and privilege to that process, given He could otherwise just as easily (from His end) eradicate all the ick and defiance in an instant.
But we get to be involved in the process, somehow. And there was something which came to mind from either Isaiah or Jeremiah, earlier...and it wasn't about the pottery, but...I can't remember.
One other bit which came to mind in loose contemplation (prayerful consideration) earlier was of the idea that though the plans of man are many, it's the Lord's will which prevails (Proverbs 19:21). Whatever we plan, He still directs us.
Which reminds of what the other was, now.. Of how He will direct us--a voice telling us this in the way, walk in it. Right behind us, telling us which way to go (Isaiah 30:21). And I know that those things are best considered in context of what's written. Yet He doesn't change--so as He has been, so He is and will be.
But a lot of the Old Testament actually references what Christ's work in us will entail. Though I'm not going into anything about the nation of Israel and the Gentiles being made one family through Christ--Abraham's descendents, by the promise. ...while it seems worth mentioning, at this point--there's definitely something to be said for those who had originally been given the oracles of God--they are the people He chose for Himself, even coming incarnate amongst them as one of them. Not getting into that, though, either.
(At this point, I'd would like to take a moment to share: I'm gladly no longer still expecting it's unwise to get a passport, per fear of compulsion to immediately depart for the Middle East. Do still want to become familiar with Hebrew, regardless.)
Anyways.
He leads. He's God. And our foremost command is to love Him with everything we are. And then also to love others--though it overflows from the first. As does obedience. And striving unto Him, which is borne of desire to obey and of desire to know Him--which is to increase in love for Him (for someone that's come to through Christ, at least).
Just, there's something of obedience wherein He wants and expects us to put in as much effort as we're capable of, even while our strength isn't sufficient. And it's not a matter of Him making up the difference, somehow--but rather of Him transforming us along the process, unto greater surrender and obedience to Him. Which increasingly entails greater dependence upon Him in all ways--a resting in Him, abiding in His love more accurately. Even as it is taking up the cross, enduring all suffering and counting it joy, then we are also abiding in His love.
Look at Jesus. Just look at Him. He's not someone to imitate, so to speak. Rather, He's who we are striving toward--longing to get closer to Him, yearning to love Him more. Loving someone generally entails wanting to know about them, wanting to understand them--wanting to know who they are. And wanting to spend time with them.
Wanting to know what makes them laugh and rejoice, and wanting to bear their grief, alongside them. Healthy family relationships and friendships are like that, from I've seen and experienced.
And our God has given an entire library of books to us--66 books, hundreds of chapters...so as we can read things He's shared on so many levels, in so many ways: Giving broad glimpses of who He is, sharing the (admittedly sordid) history of those whom He loves, disclosing His thoughts regarding so many things (He's got jokes, too), allowing us to freely pore over turmoil and rejoicing earnestly expressed by those whom He's loved and blessed in ages past, and so much more. So many things He's given us. To know Him.
And there are those who consider the "Big Book" of nature to be beneath consideration as a means of also coming to know Him...but Paul mentioned it, specifically as revealing His nature (Romans 1:20). So, Creation seems gloriously good enough for me as another means of striving to know Him, while contemplated in tandem with Scripture.
Not sure a single thought was completed in all of this, but that's really been the way of things for a long while perhaps. Still considering all the things, regardless. And still seeking clarification. And I will continue seeking clarification.
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