The Present Is Enough

Panic attacks. That's what's been going on. I just ordinarily don't get the palpitations and lightheadedness, or at least not so extreme.

It's fine, though. Just prayer.

I did not pass out, today. Supervisor did notice lack of breathing at one point, but it was brief. Does help if you keep breathing, just to note.

Still going with the whole, "I can't do this, Lord. Help."

So, grief and panic.
And tomorrow, another sort of trial, entirely. I'm just so glad to sit here with knowledge, already, that it's completely beyond my ability to cope through or bear up under.

If I were deluded on that point, it would be a lot more painful going in.

But, no. There's absolutely nothing I can do except throw myself on the mercy of God, my Lord. And...just stay there, basically. Because I'm still so done.

And of course family tried to call today, in the midst of all this. There's a voicemail. When the Lord gives me strength to even look at the phone toward that end, I'll listen. And if He doesn't give me peace to do so...then it's just there.

And there it will remain.

Spoke with Canadian friend, Skype-like, last night...fellowship and prayer. Was the first I'd told her about work-things of this week, despite having known for a bit over a month, at least? Hadn't told anyone, except to pray.

I don't talk to people about stuff that's extremely disconcerting, especially when it's in the midst of the worst of the confusion. Or especially prior to reaching any degree of peace through surrender to the Lord, of matters which are distressing to any sincere degree. (A lot of things go on which aren't ever mentioned here, as part of that.)

Experience has always been that to do so does far more damage than keeping my mouth shut, letting people think what they prefer in the meantime of being able to talk, and then talking once some point of peace has been reached--whether still a peace that's in the midst of abject confusion or one in the midst of a newfound resolve.

Talking to people about things which are at crisis points, within, prior to having come to some sort of terms with the Lord...has not been good. Has led to all sorts of misdirection, abuse, misunderstanding, and mockery...and, worse than all that, it's led me to forsake the leading of the Lord, for having chosen to heed someone else's direction prior to waiting upon Him.

So, yeah--I'd been "secretly" confounded over knowing the stuff was coming of this past week, for over a month. And that's probably added a little extra oomph to all the general social anxiety. Everything at once, you know?

Just like to know that there's something pretty major upcoming in a week and a half, still, which I've known about for a couple weeks, already. It's not nearly as distressing as the stuff from this week, though. And prayerfully, was already able to disclose it to friend, last night. Probably won't mention it to anyone else until after the fact of it having happened. And, even then, may not mention it at all.

Because it's something which is a very prayerfully received situation, to enter in. And I will remain grateful and will not allow myself to be mocked or scoffed at or even jokingly prodded over it, for the sincere hope that it gives me despite that many people would probably consider it something absolutely trivial. I'm not taking that chance, taking the chance that other people may not see it the same way and may, per just receiving it with less than enthusiasm, be a discouragement.

I would rather not disclose, being free to continue in gratitude and with prayer and hope.

There are a lot of things like that. There have to be, apparently. Otherwise doubt creeps in, too easily--it's already at the door, desiring to sway thoughts. I'd rather take my heart to the Lord, let Him hold doubts at bay, and just trust Him to direct.

And another thing that's been so odd of sharing things with people...there've been times where something has been marred, having shared premature of the Lord's prompting (or bereft of it, entirely, as some things seem given to sacred silence).

And other times, sharing things which aren't well has driven them away by forcing them into the light. I'd kind of hoped that sharing with three whom I'd shared some other matters with, over the last couple weeks, would be sufficient to have that effect on particular other matters. Still waiting.

I stumble so often in sin it's absurd, and makes it incomprehensible to me that the Lord would still call me to take any sort of stands, ever, given as much as I falter...but there have been times when He has called me to positions which are both impossible for me (apart from Christ's strength, that is) and which grate on others to a point of rage, malice. And every time, I've wanted to back down. For the sake of a false peace. But the Lord holds me still.

I don't have to understand. I don't have to be perfect.

He does. He is.
And He's my Savior. He's my Redeemer. He's my King. Jesus is my friend.
Incomprehensible.

So, I'm going to trust His judgment. I'm going to wait for Him to direct. And in instances where I'm not sure, where I'm anxious and hesitant and afraid...I'm especially going to wait on Him to direct me. Because I need His strength to do what need be done, but also because I don't want to act out of my own impetuous, impulsive flesh...just per aversion to fear and uncertainty, flailing about for purchase on something seemingly solid, rather than resting on the Rock.

When I first started working where I am, within the first two hours of work I'd already enraged someone. Unintentionally, of course. But there was something that...the Lord wouldn't allow me to have peace with, despite that it would have been much more convenient not to "make waves" and just do as everyone else in orientation was doing. So, within two hours of starting, human resources was very, very displeased with me. And...though the Lord gave me strength and will to do as He directed, I was nonetheless entirely in a state of shock and panic pretty much the rest of the day.

To extent of losing touch with reality for a moment, mid-afternoon, and forgetting it's inappropriate to appropriate foreign accents in general public. Had a moment. Someone in IT whom I needed to speak with about company tech devices to be received...for a moment, it seemed to me he was using an accent to kid around, so I responded in kind. Not realizing it was his native-born accent. Went on for a few minutes that way, before coming back to reality. And, still panic-stricken, basically fleeing...with him looking very confused, as I'd started speaking "normally" before leaving (fleeing, literally).

Mortified, and stricken with migraine by day's end.

Pretty sure it was over.

That was the first day. And the deeper dependence upon the Lord had gone, over time, making it easier to bear up under the pressures...the more convicted and conflicted over that instance with fellow in IT. Utterly stricken, mortified. Horrified. But terrified to approach. And kept seeing him everywhere, the first couple weeks, but never in a way which seemed appropriate to try to talk.

Prayed and prayed the Lord would guide. And give opportunity to make amends, in a way which wouldn't further any damage potentially done if he had been offended or hurt by what was so mindlessly done. I don't remember how many weeks in, and he was alone, and I was waiting for someone. And I prayed, and there was the peace and a compulsion.

Very awkward, hasty, wordy apology. He was very gracious.

Don't think I've seen him since.

So, though it took time, and though it was painful to wait, and painful still to go through with doing what was right...the Lord did lead. And He did manifest circumstances which were appropriate, given time.

He does that. And of other things which need to be discussed, He will lead there, too. I'm not going to stress over it. I'm just going to keep praying.

There are far more important things I'm refusing to stress over right now, anyways. So...yeah.

When I don't know what to say, how to say it, or when...I have to trust the Lord to lead me. Nothing else has ever helped, but only hurt.

Putting me under pressure, as all life and work and the world does with all regularity...I crack. I fall apart. I've been hospitalized, having attempted death. But, now that Christ keeps me directly, when I fall apart...He just holds the pieces.

So, even if I'm still confused, and totally just...done...it doesn't even matter. He's the one doing the things, He's the conductor, the director, the master designer.

That's enough.

And with all the many fallings apart lately, new and carried over from recent weeks, I'm just many times done right now. So, tomorrow...tomorrow...

Oh, tomorrow...

So, I thank the Lord for tonight! So many hours between now and then. And then, once I'm there in tomorrow, He will be with me. And His grace and strength will guide and protect me. He will direct me in what need be done. And how.

But for now...this, right here, and now to be with Him for a while, in my present elsewhere? Oh, it's enough. Thank You, Lord!