I will trust the Lord. No matter what comes. He has called me beloved, despite my abject wretchedness. So, as Christ wills and directs, then--I will trust. However He wills. I will trust the Lord.
It would be so much "easier" if I knew things from the outset--of what's to come and of what the Lord's will is in every circumstance. And especially regarding circumstances which are particularly emotional and trying. But, then, what would faith be except an exercise in patience, alone, instead of an exercise of trust developing deeper knowledge, love, and reliance upon God, Himself, while revealing the depths of His own love and faithfulness and good will toward me?
Jesus is worthy of all trust and devotion, truly, so it's a blessing He would require such things be exercised unto further development and refinement. He wants to know and be known on all fronts, in all spheres of being. Painful though it may be, in the process, as being disabused of long-esteemed delusions and false comforts.
Growing pains? I don't remember growing pains from youth, but know they aren't necessarily uncommon. Spiritually speaking, a parallel seems not out of place. Though it assumes growth to even dare note "growing pains" as possibly the case. The Lord, alone, truly knows.
In some regards, there is such definite tendency to be so very self-willed. When it comes to companionship, this is especially true. Which has perhaps had a bit to do with extended seclusion--of being kept alone to the Lord for such a while, despite that He calls us to walk alongside others. I still tend too much toward total irrationality, losing all sight of reality, when interacting with others. And I apparently still especially tend toward a sometimes rapid, though sometimes gradual, decline unto attempt to rely upon people for what the Lord, alone, does ultimately provide of strength, love, direction, and sustenance.
I got nothing but a mess, in other words. He's going to have to help. There's just nothing else for it, if the Lord expects me to interact with people regularly and somehow still to His glory. Even seeing, mercifully, I still completely fall to pieces (and very rapidly, at the moment, apparently) if that tendency to lose focus on Christ comes too much to fore. No one and nothing apart from Christ actually can ultimately sustain and maintain well-being. All else is given as a boon of His love, then.
Jesus really is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. And the reason I don't hurt myself on the regular, anymore (though I gotta admit, I am still seriously tempted toward cigarettes lately and even at this very moment and may yet fail sometimes). He's the reason I'm not more reckless than I still yet effectively am (generally obliviously entered, these days--no longer seeing out dark alleys in bad areas to walk alone at 2am, and successfully refraining from entering the woods after dark, too). His love restrains me. He restrains me. I need Him, to be whatsoever well.
Constantly.
So, if He gets me up at 3am to write and then spend some time alone with Him, then I'm not going to complain overmuch (though I definitely did for a few minutes). I'm grateful, though. It had been so long since He'd called me to time alone with Him in the wee hours of the morning with exuberance and gratitude, until fairly recently again. I had missed this time with Him. It's a blessing, even to be requested.
I will continue to pray for His help and petition His mercies and ongoing intervention on behalf of those whom I love (to whatever end His will goes, as His will is certainly good). There are some really major things coming up, and that's only in terms of stuff I barely know about.
So, yeah. Much love to all of you.
May the Lord bless you with peace and certainty through His manifest presence today and guide you gently yet with increasing realization of His love and faithfulness toward you, evermore.
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