Truth: Reality of Eternal Consequence

So much in my present reality has had to do with the very nature and fabric of truth. As even of whether it exists. And whether anyone is "entitled" to claim their own perception of truth as being more valid than another's. And if so, by what means--according to which distinctions? What makes truth true? And if there is absolute truth, why or how does that even matter? And should it matter? Why?

And how do you know truth? How do you discern one truth as being distinctly different than any other purported truth? And, again--why even do so?

Is there such a thing as being right? And what entitles any given stance that force of insistence as being preeminent and prevalent? For claiming to be right wholly entails distinguishing opposing interpretations or views or beliefs or acts as wrong.

Truth divides according to that very principle--that which is in opposition cannot also be true.

The finer points of distinction are what have comprised the more devastating and difficult of interactions: As with a pilot whose trajectory is off course by a quarter-degree only, still he will not arrive at the intended destination upon flying hours in such direction.

Some larger matters of deviation from truth are easier to discern, for so rapidly and obviously leading to shipwreck of faith (to a deviation from and overturn of recognition of God and His Word, thus defying the Gospel). For instance, twice within the past few months, I've encountered folks who are knee deep and content to claim as "true" some deviant beliefs which (when followed to marginally further logical conclusions) entail discounting the entire New Testament.

Both these conversations have entailed variations on "Hebrew-roots"/"Sacred name" ideologies--these are not really disconnected from one another, as ideologies go. They constitute just one fraction of the numerous demonic doctrines which are prevalent in the world and which manifest and spread just per fixation on certain verses of Scripture to the exclusion of the whole of God's Word: Without need for "external" influence, apart from a driving fixation which is not imparted by God's Holy Spirit.

I had very nearly been consumed by the Hebrew Roots deviance at almost the outset of coming to know Jesus, so am fairly familiar--had gone in some directions even almost to the Sacred Name sect. All arising from a misguided impulse to want to please Him more completely and distinguish myself to Him, by having laws to obey which would "allow" these things. It's very tempting to the flesh--wanting to be more accepted to God by my own works?, rather than wholly resting with and humbling content to know that we're "accepted and acceptable in the Beloved?" Such things are especially tempting when there's also a notion of attaining a sort of higher knowledge of His ways than "most people," too--such that there's a luring pretense of potential for continually deeper, richer, more hidden stores of knowledge which will further and further esteem self above others, though with God, the further one goes in pursuing such matters. Elijah was a man of like passions as we are. Doesn't exalt us, to reflect on this. Doesn't debase him. But that makes it clear none of us is able to be any higher than another, by strivings according to our intellect and abilities. What was treasured of God was the humble, the ones who sought Him and believed Him. Not those who sought to build themselves up in the eyes of others and Himself, as though we could be profitable servants to the One who sustains our very life.

I don't remember precisely how the Lord delivered me from Hebrew Roots notions, except I know it had to do with the Gospel. Because that always constitutes the dividing point between delusion and reality, between error and correction. Jesus paid my debt. He reigns. I love Him dearly, though I once hated Him. I owe Him my all. And I long to give Him my all. But...this means becoming ever more surrendered to the reality of the righteousness of God's wrath against my sin and the incomprehensible mercy extended to me through the cross...even more humbled by the reality of who I am and who God is, and the reality that I could never approach Him nor would ever dare do so...except that He has made a way for me to be forgiven by the atonement come through Christ's self-sacrifice. And I can rest ever more completely assured of knowing He is true to His Word and will deliver even me, as I am led to walk in the light of reality more wholeheartedly--when I reflect upon the reality of Jesus's resurrection, and the truths regarding Himself and His will in His Word. To know that He reigns, still, yields peace. And we can know, too, that He will assuredly also accomplish all other things which He has said, as well as what He has already accomplished.

But again--of those false doctrines noted: one regarding a particular twist on "Sacred Name"-things, the other of "Hebrew Roots"--the thing which both recent proponents of these false doctrines failed to realize is that the natural end of their purportedly Christian beliefs requires that the New Testament Scriptures ultimately all be excluded as false. Which is problematic, period: Dismantling God's Word is...what Satan has done from the beginning, as it were. And one cannot claim demonic inspiration for parts of the New Testament without likewise condemning the while, which is ultimately claiming the same of God.

 So, to further specify--to make an argument that the Greek word for Jesus's name is not a transliteration of His Hebrew name (which is the case)...but instead is a reference to pagan idols--saying that the texts were corrupted and "Jesus" is actually a demonic being/pagan idol who is thus not actually God (not as He's presented in the Greek texts, at least)--further, claiming that only calling Him by His "true name" is correct or otherwise you're worshipping a false God--entails that all the Greek texts simply must be corrupt, since they all transliterate His Hebrew name in the same way as is then (later) transliterated to our English "Jesus:" Claiming the very name and nature of God has been misrepresented that significantly in extant texts entails implying perversion of the entire text, per association. "Problem" is--our (thousands of) surviving manuscripts are primarily Greek (from what I know--which is somewhat marginal, yes...but not entirely ignorant: those manuscripts which aren't in Greek still primarily accord with the Greek...which would by inference indicate they must also be corrupt).

All of which means that if you are going to attest that beliefs and maintain logical consistency, you ultimately will have to discount as demonized the entirety of what we have of the New Testament if it accords with the Greek manuscripts. And as it stands, Greek was the lingua franca of the age when Christ walked the earth--thus the most reasonable, as the most commonly accessible language, for relaying missives to the world. So, that means you have to set aside the New Testament, realistically.

Which is unavoidably problematic for anyone who wants to authentically claim to follow Christ. In sum, discounting God's preserved Word on the basis of saying it's a demonic matter that Jesus is called Jesus and not Yeshua, or Yehoshua, or however the person's bent happens to be blatantly denies His Word from the apostles and of the Gospels, too, which ultimately derails faith and opposes the Gospel of Christ.

Likewise, the "Hebrew Roots" movement opposes the Gospel of Christ. In order to truly embrace the idea that the only way to truly serve and know God is to return to "our Hebrew roots, and learn Torah and obey the law," you have to initially do away with many of the apostles epistles. Particularly Paul. Especially due to his letter to the Galatians: Because he flat out says we aren't saved nor sanctified by the law, period, and could not be. That entire epistle discounts the notion of needing to submit to the Torah as a follower of Christ--actually says that to do so means Christ is of no avail to us.

Hebrew Roots ideology and offshoots thus confound the Gospel of Christ entirely, confusing the purpose and accessibility of the law--in ways I'm not going to specifically delineate at the moment (read the epistle to the Galatians). But the point is, if someone believes they must be keeping the law in order to honor Christ, they have to deal with the letter to the Galatians. What seems to happen is that Paul is demonized. Literally--again. But...if you do away with Paul by saying he deviated from Jesus's teachings and opposed Him, you have to do away with Peter, too. Because Peter mentions Paul and upholds him. And...it just continues to snowball.

I've now been confronted by someone believing Hebrew Roots ideologies who has gone a step further than just discounting Paul's epistles: in order to maintain logical consistency at all...you really have to reinterpret Paul's experience on the road to Damascus. Thus, I was told it was not Jesus who appeared to Paul. Believing otherwise--believing what Acts records as occurring (that Jesus did appear to Paul)--would only validate what Paul wrote in his epistles. So, in order to maintain logical consistency while discounting and discarding Paul's epistles as demonic...Jesus has to be reinterpreted as well. I was told it was the "angel of light"--Satan--who appeared to Paul on the road to Damascus. That is blood-chilling.

The person who spoke this latter point has not yet come to deal with the reality that Luke wrote Acts. And that this same Luke wrote a Gospel. Such that, if logical consistency continues to be pursued...then if Luke has lied by representing Satan as Jesus in the Acts of the Apostles...what, of his Gospel?

And past that point, what of the points in the other Gospels which accord with Luke's--primarily the synoptics? But the Gospel of John does share similarity with the synoptics--not a stretch to say it would have to be ousted at some point too. Thus John's epistles and Revelation go, too.

One bit of deviation ultimately ousts the New Testament.

If you're going to be logically consistent, at least.

Although...in order to wholeheartedly go along with either of those errors, or any other...there's inherently been a compromise against sound reasoning, already.

Which leaves the Gospel in the dust, as insufficient...

...by entering into philosophizing, rationalizing, seeking to find esteem according to a return to heritage (genealogies being esteemed highly and contended for)--rather than marveling at the truth of who God is, what He's doing, what He has done, and humbly regarding ourselves as recipients of His mercies--grace unto us being to His glory.

Similar process of deviation from reliance upon Christ, when it comes to any teaching which does not retain focus on God's grace--teaching which, instead, tells us to start focusing elsewhere for power, for deliverance, for esteem, or to please God or heal ourselves or one another or society. Many deviations from the truth just don't manifest as drastically, as quickly, in deviating from God's Word and opposing Him, blatantly.

What is it that was written: "Would the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O mankind, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

And, "Behold, as for the proud one,
            His soul is not right within him;
            But the righteous will live by his faith."

"For the gospel reveals the righteousness of God that comes by faith from start to finish, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Abraham believed God. Noah did, too. So did Moses. They believed Him. They took Him at His Word. Placed their trust in Him. And Jesus said the thing we must do is believe in the One whom God the Father sent.

That's what we must do. Believe in Him. Believe Him.

We must know Him, ourselves. We need to come to Jesus, to enter right relationship with Him as our Savior, God, Master, King. Our Great Shepherd and dearest Friend.

We must abide in Him, also. Not out on a limb of our own conceiving. But in Jesus, the true Vine. Anything else we attempt will be nothing good...we have fallen from that, apart from Him.

And God is the ultimate reality, the only one who is good. He existed before time came into being. He created all things which exist, and He sustains all which is. He is all-powerful over His Creation, as the Creator and Sustainer of it all. He is not disconnected. His is not a course of ambivalence or apathy.

Yet those who have defied Him and turned from His goodness enter that which is the natural consequence, as though stepping from one room into the adjoining--if not in the one room, then in the other--entering His wrath. A long-suffering active displeasure which will enact justice at an appointed time, each to each.

In the meantime there are already active, natural consequences besides. As constituted by natural outworkings of any deviation from what is correct orderliness and function, the results are unto increasing fragmentation within the fabric of our existence--the weft and warp of the whole of our physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual reality becomes disordered, increasingly. Unto ever increasing disjointedness, fragmentation within ourselves and around us on all sides. As each deviant weave further corrupts the extant corruption. Though in His mercy, He long-sufferingly preserves us, despite our defilings.

He is not ultimately avoidable, though. And if we would have any dealings with really knowing truth, then we will have to deal with Him in the here and now. But this whole world has constructed such beguiling and compelling distortions of truth, besides--as we, ourselves, had ever turned from Him we did indeed turn toward such delusions as are common parlance, oft come de rigeur, yet many quick to become passé in favor of any next most alluring distension of reality possessing just enough conceivability and relevance to remain palatable for even a brief amount of time: 

We build castles in the sky. While He sits in the heavens and laughs, the earth His footstool--all per se. Yet reality.

Of which, since knowing Him and dealing in truth...one of the utmost painful encounters is with someone...anyone...beloved--loving them and finding they do not care to know truth. Do not want truth. Actively choosing other things. This, despite even being willing and able to discuss so many things--anything, even. But yet, lacking desire for truth. I would die a thousand times to know the Lord would in His mercy light that spark which would draw such ones into fellowship of right dealings with Him--to submit to truth, to the reality of dire need for repentance in humble contrition before our God and King...seeking forgiveness...just to know that even not knowing them here and now as brethren and sisters in Christ, I would in eternity...

...but I'm nothing but another sinner, I have nothing to offer the Lord so to bargain with Him for the life of anyone. Not even for my own. I am a recipient of great mercy, only: A gift--His grace.

And I do not deserve to know Him. I do not deserve His forgiveness.

But Jesus has been merciful to me. And continues being merciful. Even in that all the more it breaks my heart to encounter ones beloved, finding hearts numb and cold and insensate and apathetic to the reality of our condition.

What is it, then--seeing and cherishing in those around me traits and characteristics which are admirable and which are delightful and which warm my heart to see, of compassion and kindness and charitability and contentment?...and to cherish and love people?...even while knowing that apart from their turning to Christ, all these mercies and blessings and kindnesses will profit them nothing?

The situation is dire. My heart breaks. And there is a hand extended in mercy, pleading to be permitted to rescue. Yet I cannot join their hand to Christ's. Though I may plead, I cannot change a heart of stone. He reaches out and they refuse. And I grieve. And I don't know His grief on this, but I know He shed His own blood to be able to extend His pierced hand in mercy...so His love is far beyond anything I could ever own..

So, then--what is truth, and why does it matter?

God is true, though all men be liars. And He has presented us with His own Son--who walked amongst us and was rejected...who died to atone for our sins, satisfying the wrath against us. So that we may be forgiven and receive mercy. This...is of eternal consequence.

Anything that would undermine or detract from or truly distract from Christ and keeping course unto Him...is thus of eternal consequence. Not small matters. Gangrenous: Killing part, then the whole.

In scope of this, concern over being right or wrong seems paltry: We are all wrong. God, alone, is wholly right. He, alone, is truly just. We will come to terms with this fact, whether here or hereafter: We have the choice to believe in Jesus Christ for our salvation, our redemption, our deliverance, for eternal life...here and now, coming to Him for forgiveness. Or we have the choice to remain under God's wrath and endure due penalty as consequence of our transgressions against God...eternal, in full, ourselves.

He has given us the choice. He has done everything necessary to our salvation and sanctification.

We have to deal with Him, directly. Not by proxy. Not as a cultural tradition.

We have to reason with God, ourselves. Through Christ. Ask Him. And search His Word, to know of Him. We'll come to terms with Him one way or another, we just get to choose something of the circumstances of that meeting.

Personally, I prefer dealing with the pain of humbling myself here and now, rather than it no longer being an option but instead a direct consequence of stepping into the full, crushing Presence of a no-longer-avoidable reality.

Discerning Falsity by Light of Truth

The sufficiency of Christ is supreme. The truth of the Gospel is sufficient to bear us through on every hand. Just to remember what He has done for us--for us, who defied God's sovereignty in order to do what's right in our own eyes...thus stepping under His righteous wrath wholly, deservedly, incontrovertibly, and eternally? To the praise of the glory of His grace, we who were far off and in the kingdom of darkness have been brought near, translated into the kingdom of light. Into the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Remembering the Gospel is vital to clarity--remembering who Jesus is and what He has done for us--meaning everything to those who know Him and love Him, who are called by Him, "Beloved."

Even in remembering this--reflecting upon the fact that God did not spare His own son but gave Him up for our redemption--we may be comforted in knowing that all things else which are necessary to our salvation, our lives, and our walk with Him in this world will also be given. All the more to realize that the Gospel is unavoidably central for those who would walk in truth and serve God. Christ is our focus, and the transformative simplicity of reflecting upon Him and drawing ever nearer to Him in thought, heart, word, and deed--by the grace manifested in and through us by His Spirit, even through His Word--is a joy far beyond anything we could ever ask or hope: To know Him is to have life, and to have it abundantly. And to have peace, beyond measure: Not as the world gives, but secure and pervasive and unwavering despite grief, despite devastation, despite terrors, despite confusions, despite anything which may arise around or even otherwise within, attempting to unseat the security which we have in Christ Jesus. None can dissuade, ultimately. He overcomes. He is greater than our hearts.

To have peace with God through Christ--to have the peace of Christ ruling in our hearts--is beyond comprehension, beyond all hope, and gracious beyond belief.

He is so kind. So kind.

So when it comes to confronting false teachings, false doctrines, false ideologies, false prophets, false apostles, false Christs, and false Gods...the point of ultimate discernment is not merely concerned with proof texts from the Scriptures, nor with spiritual or experiential proofs (as there are many false spirits gone out, claiming themselves of God and even to be Christ), nor even with manifest acts of seeming righteousness. But where is the Gospel of Christ, in matter? Where is love of Him? Where is love of His Word, as a whole?

Do we not see, again and again, in the apostles' epistles, and the records of Christ Himself, that the centrality of purpose and hope regards our need to repent in honest humility before our holy God, and come to Jesus Christ who is our Redeemer and King. We must humble ourselves and sincerely call out (and keep humbling ourselves and calling out) to our God and Sovereign Lord, so to receive mercy from His very hand--that very hand which was pierced, for our transgressions...coming to Him whose blood was shed, to cover our iniquities and transgressions...Him, whose death on the cross yet atoned for our sins, while His resurrection stands eternal testament that those who do come to Him pleading forgiveness stand justified before God. And thereafter, we live surrendered to Him for having come to terms with the One who created us and has granted us mercy. So our lives will consist of lovingly seeking out His will, as desiring Him above all things, then also desiring to know Him more intimately and understand His ways more completely--all for increasingly grasping the magnitude of that which was accomplished by Him for us, and as knowing Him who did this work on our behalf and loved us while we still hated Him...we will long to share this good news of repentance unto redemption through God's own Son, with all the world. Seeking Him to guide in this. By any means He ordains.

So much writing in His Scriptures attests to the need to hold fast to the faith, to the knowledge of truth. Remembering the work of God in Christ, as the revelation of the mystery of redemption come through the very blood of the Son of God--though His incarnation, His suffering, His death, and resurrection.

These things completely overturn seeming righteousness and the actual import of other ideals. Because all else is lesser, whenever detracting from or distracting from pursuit of this One whom we owe our eternal lives and hearts to...

All to say:
If proof texting is the course which is attempted to justify or overturn a doctrine, and not a centrality of focus on the Gospel--that, of itself, may constitute "proof in the pudding" that there's something off kilter. Especially given that so many false ideologies have no compunctions against agreeing with standard, orthodox doctrines and creeds. But just add to them, unofficially. And depart from them, practically speaking--all a matter of what words actually mean, ultimately. And if someone has a different interpretation of the very same word and yet continues using that word as though meaning hasn't changed...

...only practical outworkings of the underlying ideology are going to evidence the distinctions. Fruits, in other words.

Our intellect doesn't bring us to God, though. Christ does. And thereafter He redeems even our minds, then still...it's to His glory and not our own: Unto a greater deference to and reverence for Him. Unto a greater clarity of the whole of His ordained creation, and of right order.

Of which the Gospel of Christ stands forefront to the glory of our Creator, that He would have such long-suffering, merciful grace toward those in His creation who have defied Him at every turn. And being transformed and renewed in our minds as such would give us over to desiring all the more to share this fundamental, transformational, redemptive truth with those others around us who are still laboring under delusions, slaves to sin, and remaining under the wrath of God. For love of Him and what He has done for us and them, in Christ, and for love of them who are our brothers and sisters according to the flesh.

But by His grace, alone, we plead and present reasoned arguments for the faith--for the knowledge of and truth of and glory of God revealed in Christ, and in His Word, and resonant throughout creation. For the sake of the hope that we have in Christ.

Know Him. Know of Him. And be led of Him.

Truth is a narrow gate. And a strait way. To God, through Christ, alone. Few there be who find it. Press on.

Grace to Praise

Grateful for the Lord's faithfulness. And His nearness, always. But especially poignant in the midst of griefs, in the midst of trials of faith.

Too many other things draw attention and focus when everything in life seems to be going smoothly. Comfort holds sway, ease sets in, and suddenly the spiritual equivalent of spending time staring at walls seems somehow satisfying rather than ardently pursuing the joy of Christ's presence and the marvel of His Word.

I continue asking Him to help me to be long-suffering, as He is, though. Because ordinarily in grief, after so many hours of pain there comes a point where I begin to cry out against it and seek any and all mindless distraction as a means of "coping." Rather than to bear in silence with pain, ever with the Lord--remembering who He is and what He has done and continuing to bring before Him the matters of heartache and utmost concern.

Fasting helps. As a requirement of dependence upon Him is entailed--turning to Him with all within, denying even the utmost needs of the flesh for the sake of more ardently crying out to Him, wholly. But this isn't as a self-castigation. This isn't a penance. No. But a crying out before the Lord of abject and utter need of Him in the midst of devastation--acknowledging there is no hope nor help apart from Him. Not as a means of testing Him, either, then--not to any extremes as would conceivably risk death. But wholeheartedly as a declaration of the insubstantial nature of food in contrast to utter requirement of Manna from on high...which is to say, the requirement of Christ, Himself: Any less than Him would be not enough.

He, alone, is the Word, our Life. In His presence is fullness of joy.

In the midst of all this, still seeking to honor Him and others regardless of all the weirdness. And He's even allotted a glimpse of grace, and grace again: Solace upon solace, in the midst of weariness--that no matter whether circumstances would turn to total opposition, as has been the case at times (unexpectedly, completely unexpectedly)...then, given any knowledge of hope that matters need not be as such...

...and may not be as such...

...that there is grace in all this toward me, too?...is reminded. Such mercy.

So, still--whatever comes or goes.

However things proceed.

The cry of my heart to Him remains a cry for mercy upon us all.

Though especial cry is for mercy unto those who are nearest, thus dearest for being most familiar to my own heart and soul. While there's grief of knowing others whom I don't know are refusing His mercy, unto their condemnation...desperation on this matter is deeper and far beyond keen regarding those of whom I have acquaintance, personal.

But He is the One who alone is Savior, Redeemer, and King. And I can only cry out to Him, knowing all the while that I can only strive for my own part to walk uprightly before Him. I cannot move the hands of another, nor incline the ears of another. No matter the opportunity which Christ provides to discuss the Gospel and the truth of His preeminence...I cannot capitulate another's heart unto His possession, become desirous of serving Him.

I can pray, though. I can still plead with Him.

So even then--no matter the grief, there's joy in being reminded yet again that He does hear.

I've been reminded often, lately, that the men who were called to spread His Word and plead His case with Israel prior to Christ's incarnation...many were rejected, outright. And some--like Jeremiah and Isaiah, particularly--were nearly entirely opposed and rejected and increasingly defied, throughout the entirety of their service to God and man.

So how great a mercy is it, that He would allow glimpses of grace?--that He would permit us at times to see His work progress in the lives and hearts of others? Hopefully unto witnessing His work of regeneration come to a fruition, even?

How gracious that though ears may sometimes become deaf, eyes blind, and hearts cold...then at times, otherwise, He may allow to see the opposite unfold--by His grace and power, alone?

What hope we have, in this God of ours!--who rules and reigns in the heavenlies and in our hearts, though yet He is also sovereign of all His creation? He came for us. He took on flesh, yes. And bled and died a horrific death to atone for our sins, that we would be redeemed...that all would have access to mercy, if we would but desire and seek for it...that we would find Him?

How great and kind our God is! This King who reigns and yet also gently shepherds us--lovingly as a Father, yet intimately as a Brother.

How marvelous, that this God of ours--the only living God--would condescend to intimately know us and draw us into fellowship with Himself by preserving a Word toward us in language, that we would have means to know Him?! On His terms, and yet...revealed in ours?! So gracious. So merciful. So inconceivably kind!

Lord, bless Your holy name. You are to be praised in all the earth! Your works are beyond comprehension and compare. Your wisdom is unattainable to us, and yet You have made yourself known! And have given us life, in Your son. Oh, Blessed, Holy Father! Thank you. Praise Your name, forever. Give us grace to seek Your face. And let us rejoice in Your mercies every day.

Dear Lord, thank You.

Silent Assent and Dangers of Forsaking Truth

If I had acted upon first being convicted of the need to do so, rather than waiting to the point where potential dire events were about to unfold for having compromised against Christ's leading and keeping...

...things perhaps would not be so abrupt. And realistically, yesterday's departure was not as abrupt as it seemed to most--the process occurred over months' worth of private conversations and discussions, and even included a conversation a few weeks back which began with detailing my belief I could not continue involvement. So, though most didn't have notice, it was not entirely absent. But this still hasn't gone in as honorable a way as would have been desirable.

Hopefully, someday I'll be less idolatrous than now, and more quickly heed the Lord's conviction to uphold truth. Though at least this time, there's somewhat less sway to the temptation to be ruled by terror of man.

By grace, only. Trusting matters into the Lord's hands, even when not handled necessarily as well as might have been done...but presently by what feeble, desperate means available I've sought to return to Christ with haste as not to falter further.

And in general besides, I cannot afford to not be well in the Lord--though especially at work...which begins Tuesday, most every week.

Matters there (everywhere) are too dependent upon walking with Christ closely, so not to continually falter nor be consumed and overwhelmed and swayed by various chaos: All's well while walking in the peace of the Lord, with a clear conscience. Not so, otherwise. My role is to be stable in the midst of absolute, ever-shifting uncertainty and sporadic, yet consistent trauma along with engendering an ongoing unveiling of varied darknesses of experience and plight...with the hope of inspiring hope, because there is hope to be had for any of us.

In the midst of chaos, though Christ is often merciful to preserve me despite my distractibility and constant flightiness of heart...turning away from Him for wisdom and strength and peace and guidance is not something to knowingly perpetuate:

Turning from Christ substantially by rationalizing against His conviction...quickly becomes very dangerous, in many ways.

For one, Jesus keeps me from being continually assailed by the encompassing sense of meaningless which compelled toward death that accompanied most of my waking life, prior to coming to know Him as my Lord, guide, shepherd, companion, and Savior King. Prior to wholeheartedly turning to Him and following Him, my life was constant chaos without any stronghold nor hope.

Now, chaos is endured only from within the grasp of my Master's sure, steady hand. He holds me still in the midst of the storm, though it rages and would destroy me if it could. Thoughts of death and of futility which otherwise still would assail...?--all are stricken into abject silence and revealed as the lies which they truly are in light of continual remembrance of Christ, the ongoing joyful fulfillment of His presence, and the wonder of being loved and forgiven and delivered and kept by Him.

So to turn away from Him even slightly, unto relativistic ideas which afford purchase toward that same sense of meaningless which once consumed me?--turning even slightly away from truth opens the door to all those lies, yet again.

Rationalizing away from truth constitutes turning from it, unto lies--no matter how seemingly slight or benign the rationalization. This, as there's only two ways about truth, when it comes to God--there's no false dilemma there. Christ, the authority on all which exists, spoke on these matters--He is the only way, Truth, and Life. Knowing Him, personally, coming to Him, personally...is the only, only way to have forgiveness and life in God. Knowing Him and walking with Him is the only way to experience vital fulfillment, since He is our source of life and meaning...being the fount of all which is good.

Finding fulfillment in Him entails coming to terms with reality, and staying in touch with reality.

Alternately, turning away from Him entails turning toward delusion. The delusions which held me most securely were unto death, so I would rather not turn away from Him.

There are folks I think who would recommend medications for this, instead of directing me to walk uprightly before Christ. Such recommendations come as with limited knowledge of the efficacy and effects of medications: Know little about the neurological and physiological damage associated--unavoidably, as part of the mechanisms involved. Know little or nothing about the "trial periods" which are undergone to find something which "works"--because it's all educated guesswork. All of it is. Even knowing that some medications may work for a while before randomly ceasing to do so, at any instant, without notice, without knowledge of why (understanding of how and why the meds work at all is extremely limited, in context of realizing the limited knowledge of our brains' workings). And...side-effects which are wholly difficult to bear (or deadly) are likely to arise at any point--whether development of seizure disorders, liver or kidney disease, pseudo-Parkinson's disorder, or any manner of things which also may include random death.

And some research is beginning to establish long-term brain damage associated with ongoing use of psychotropic medication as prescribed (not unknown, just hadn't been "established" per research).

Point being, there's often pressure to deal with matters of emotion and temptation and the like by means which don't entail the difficult work of dealing with sin and emotion.

Because that's messy.

Repentance as a primary means for managing "mental illness," though?
Effective, but "messy."

Personally, I'll take it any day over compromising the ability to emote and think clearly. Even if needed alongside variable doses of time in the Bible, time in prayer, time praising, time spent seeking and receiving counsel, time spent under preaching, time spent studying apologetics, time spent pondering the Word of God, time spent witnessing, time spent reflecting on what the Lord has done, and time spent serving according to His guidance.  ...all which constitute my "personal medicine."

Jesus is my recovery. And when I start stepping against Him, that is compromised.

Which means that things which have to be kept out of life are also just as vital to my wellness in the Lord as those things which must be a part of my life. For instance--I can't do movies or tv. Periodically, taking a client to a movie retains enough a boundary constituted by a restriction to very infrequent exposure that it's not too overwhelmingly upending or consuming. But Tv?--avoided as best as possible. Otherwise these things consume me to the exclusion of those involvements which keep me well.

Likewise, of secular music--takes me down dark paths, generally. And Secular writings do as well, except perused very passingly as part of research in context of considering the Lord's work and our condition.

Interaction with those who do not know the Lord is a heart-breaking endeavor. It must remain on terms which don't otherwise do damage to my wellness in Christ by distracting from Him...at this point only within very strict domains. So, no bars. No movies. No group, secular entertainments. Maybe someday He'll lead otherwise, but for now?--no.

Also, no alcohol--period. Because I have been delivered from alcoholism--previously, one of the most consuming influences of my life.  I will not tempt that--but by grace. The Lord keeps me in this, because I know I haven't the sense to keep myself...except to be reminded again and again what indulging the littlest bit of temptation can do in terms of largely capitulating into a full-blown consumption.

Likewise go matters of involvement in affairs which constitute or entail rationalizing against God's Word (not as though I've been fully conformed to His Word, but am striving toward Him--by grace, if oft haphazardly).

Which doesn't make sense to many, maybe.

And this recent matter has been concerning on multiple fronts--not only rationalizing against His Word. I've also been failing those whom I've been asked to lead by leading them into error per my own, silent acceptance of publicly espoused falsehood (no matter how briefly).

One of my direst pitfalls again and again has been to honor the word of men whom I respect above the Word of God. The previous church was as this--I was very near to the point of needing hospitalization before finally committing before the Lord and man that it was my heart's desire to pursue Christ at any cost, even if it meant everyone mocked me or considered me unsaved.

And again, that had been the case last year with a couple who very graciously welcomed me to their home for prayer, then for fellowship, then for camaraderie--gradually opening up to me about their theology and pursuit of new apostolic teachings, unto the point that I was being blatantly tempted to re-enter occult practices. My point of capitulation in returning to the Lord was against my high regard for them and love for them and respect for their kindness toward me, especially. I was both terrified and utterly destroyed to finally be compelled by love of Christ and of them to discuss the nature of the theology being espoused--being in contradiction to the Gospel, for exalting man and exalting spiritual power above submission to God. And I pleaded with them multiple times, as concisely and coherently as the Lord gave grace for me to do. But no receipt.

So this, now. Yesterday's email. Following conversations of weeks ago. And prior.

The Lord started more openly convicting me of these recent matters a few months ago--prior to attempts to privately address concerns, blatantly.

Conviction came in the presence of a woman who openly professes Mormonism yet claims Christianity, while with children who are her kin and who attend an evangelical church for now. I found myself in a position before God and those children of upholding Mormonism as Christian per my silence on the matter when it was being discussed as being a Christian equivalent to the evangelical church they were attending. I was simultaneously being identified as Christian to these children. All of this constituted an evidence that Mormonism is Christianity, being expressly acknowledged as true per the non-dissenting silence of a professing believer. My silence constituted assent. And I was bereft.

I wanted to weep, on the spot. But the Lord gave grace to have at least one small matter of dissent stated, otherwise, for the consideration of all present.

Of this present matter dealt with so abruptly last night...it's been the same.

I don't like these things.

I don't like them one bit.

I would rather go crawl under a rock.

But there are bugs there. And I don't care for the idea of being surrounded by bugs. Because they creep, and they crawl, and they bite. So I won't. Though I would want to do so.

Just...when the choice is between defying God and defying man...though I haven't the strength apart from the Lord to proceed, still I would defer to Him and trust Him to guide and guard me from whatever comes. It's only cost me physical assault once. And the Lord gave grace to endure that, so the hatred and mockery that has otherwise sometimes come...though it hurts, too, is also under His guard.

For love of the Lord and love of others, there's no other good way. Though I don't know well how to proceed or what to do, I trust Him. And though things at present might seem rash to many, they aren't aware of the months of prayer. Nor aware of the multiple conversations. Nor aware of all the times I've sought counsel.

So, it's what it is. I entrust these matters and dear people to the Lord. I can't do otherwise. I haven't wisdom or ability to effect any good. The Lord alone does. And it's by His Word alone that truth will be cherished as known. Knowing Him.

Just hoping and praying He has mercy on us all and will convict of truth and of sin and of righteousness. That's enough. More than. For He delivers.

Concerning Compromise and Destruction

Committing to the Lord is a huge matter. My life isn't my own. None of ours is, truly--idolatry paints a different picture, is all. We're called to take up our cross and follow Christ, though. If we would have life. If we would walk in the light--the realization of and recognition of and deference to truth.

Much lately has been concentric about the idea of what walking in the light means, versus the darkness. Having minds darkened, et al? (Ephesians 4:18, and surrounding verses)

The deceitfulness of sin is unto delusion, regarding the reality of God's sovereignty and our sufficiency and satisfaction being found in truly worshipping, submitting to, and honoring Him...and honoring others from that position--foremost, of deference to the reality of God's preeminence.

I have circumstances at present which are utterly beyond my ability to even conceive of how to navigate in a way which is honoring to God and all parties involved. His Word is straightforward, or at least seems straightforward on the matters at hand...but when I've sought counsel, I've received conflicting interpretations. So, I'm waiting upon the Lord for guidance. While knowing my own insufficiency keenly, especially as matters could easily turn horribly badly quite quickly apart from God's ongoing deliverance. I am not sufficient, on any front. If I were foolish enough to think myself strong to withstand the temptation to capitulate to sin, I would fall entirely and quickly.

As it is, I've been on the edge. And I don't like it, one iota.

I want to just run away from everything on all fronts, entirely. So that at least the present circumstances would no longer be a trial.

But I keep praying, because having received conflicting interpretations of God's Word and being in the throes of temptation, myself...I don't know what else to do but continue submitting my heart and my thoughts before the Lord, asking for deliverance and for correction and for Him to guard and guide me.

One of the temptations (of all so many) involves the idea that I can just "toy" with the thoughts of re-entering old patterns of act and thought without that being detrimental. As though if I only seriously consider re-entering modes of being which are detestable to the One whom I love above all...then somehow that wouldn't be a stumbling block in my relationship with Christ. As though I could think on and desire and contemplate "the utility and the benefit" of matters which intrinsically drive a wedge between me and the Lord, within my own heart, yet without that being problematic.

No. Just no.

The reality is that if I give my heart and mind over to dwelling continually on even just the possibility or desirability of returning to practices and modes of being which are in opposition to the Lord, then my heart turns colder toward Him, my mind less attuned to the truth of His far greater desirability for all matters.

Yet temptation insists that other matters would be desirable. By insisting that matters such as that of a false union based on some shared ideology (which intrinsically sets aside the Word of God) consisting, to some degree, of a passionate pursuit of shared understanding and thereupon exalted commonality of human interest (eg., humanitarian aid: good works unto peace, justice, wellness of all members of society by any human means)...comprising an ardent pursuit of some agreed upon matter which itself seems righteous and good...that surely the "good" that would be wrought would justify the means, the compromise of truth, the refusal to submit to God's edict that we are not to be unequally yoked.

Likewise...such temptations as this also insist that surely God would not be too dishonored, if I resolved to quietly pray for Him to work in the midst of circumstances while nonetheless proceeding in unhindered interactions with those whom I know profess Him as God while otherwise refusing submission to His sovereignty over their lives, while refraining from speaking up to remark upon the disparity between profession and relationship with truth.

I've been sorely disturbed over this. Over insistence that charismatic ideology allows for soundness on any front--especially when, in context of my discussion with those who inspired deepest concerns, the doctrines of Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel ideologies were yet again identified as core components of charismatic practices.

Soothing words and good intentions have been internally heeded many times to reconstitute and marginalize my concerns and conviction of truth to the point that I have increasingly continued to compromise, internally, on what it means to pursue and love Christ...and others...by contending openly for truth before God and man, for the sake of loving each.

[various statements redacted to attempt to retroactively honor more wholly]

It's not possible to compromise on one front without that edging in elsewhere, also.

Please pray for me, that I would honor the Lord in these matters. I do not want to dishonor the elders nor those others involved in leadership, nor those involved in the group. And yet my concerns have been effectively set aside, again and again, apparently perceived as being divisive to otherwise address them.

And again, having continued in prayer and waiting upon the Lord in this matter...with continued involvement in the group, having not consistently publicly addressed concerns...I find myself increasingly also compromising in other areas of life--to extents which would end up being vitally destructive unless culled.

So I am asking mercy from the Lord in this matter and pleading His guidance yet again in how to proceed honorably before Him and man.

I have just realized the havoc wreaked in myself and my walk with the Lord, from these matters. And I do not want to continue down this path away from Christ. Perhaps now is the time to write a letter, as such.