Bereavement and Death

Such grief. I'm not going to regard any particulars at this juncture, or at least don't intend to do so.

Today, Ravi has gone home, though. That is one matter. There's something of separation which is indeed so painful. Bereavement, further.

Something very dear, now intangible and beyond interaction. No longer to share in the delight of distinct individual intellect and quirks. No longer to delight in the joy of another's presence, dearly cherished. Nor bear the weight of how magnanimous the Lord's gifts, through the blessed, loving regard of one's beloved companion. The wit, the insights, the wonder of watching hope light the eyes and joy a spark of laughter, shared. Even of griefs shared, no longer to endure alongside. Rather, an empty space where once there was warmth and empathy and thoughtful comment.

The loss of a loved one is devastating. There's a yearning which can never more be sated, by the desire simply to hear unreckoned speech once more, or unanticipated laughter. Never more to call and experience the quickening of contentment to be gladly received and warmly embraced even in speech. No more tomorrows on this earth, together. No more dreams dreamt together, here and now.

Never again on this earth. Only memories. Even if videos--with speech and the wonder of seeing the smile and hearing the voice of one beloved--then still without the warmth of touch and presence. Bereft.

I'm currently confronted with so many things which I just can't do. And especially increasingly faced with the reality that I have serious need for greater involvement with others, for structure and oversight and the exercise of God-ordained discipline. All of which...still scares me, to be honest. But not as it did. I am afraid of abuse. I am afraid of being maliciously oppressed and wounded while in a state of especial weakness. This is what I've known, again and again. So, I've run and hid, in fear.

And in so doing, there's also been quite a dire turning against others, in my own heart. I will submit to those whom the Lord would have me submit to, but not otherwise. There've been far more vicious and insidious and ruthless and outright hateful encounters, lingering and extended over years with intermittent, varying degrees and sporadic intervals of horror. I have tried to die so many times, too, in the wake of so many griefs and of so much despair and such pain and seeming absolute desolation...and yet, God has not permitted death. He has not allowed hope to ever die, in me. He has not allowed my spirit to be utterly crushed, at any instance--no matter that at times, I've been so utterly overwhelmed and completely devastated that I have not had strength to focus will unto be able to regard thought, but to merely breathe until the pain ebbs enough to once more yield room to cry out in wailing despair of all. And yet, not wholly crushed. Though I had wanted it so, so many times.

I hated hope, for so long. To hope was torment. Hope that there would someday be relief, that there would some day be love, that there would some day be comfort, and solidarity, and all so many things else which I likewise didn't have enough knowledge of as unto words so to even voice the yearning for these things...but just a yearning and an undying hope which wouldn't relent, no matter how utterly desolate circumstances ever seemed. I remember particular after a suicide attempt, post-Katrina, coming back around slightly to the point of regaining ability to reflect once more...and being utterly stricken to realize that still, in my heart, was that same yearning which bespoke possibility of such things as were wholly impossible. And I despaired, then. All the more, despaired in the midst of having once more found even death's assumed relief kept far from me...and as I was regaining ability to think, once more, as the weight of grief and despair ebbed off along course of being humbled to recognize my efforts thwarted, too...

...how much more did the weight of irony press in upon me, that even in the midst of having been unable to connect with others to seek or receive help...then, still, those surrounding me and attempting to help me were unaware of the steps I'd taken. And I didn't tell them. I didn't tell any of them. And if they knew, they never told me, either. How ironic, the day after the suicide attempt, I was taken by these same friends to a mental health clinic...and I couldn't much speak, could barely walk...but the doctor gave me a full week's worth of sleeping pills. Just handed them to me, to take home. It was so reminiscent of finding the razor blade still in my wallet upon admission to the hospital, post-attempt, years prior. I'd already tried and failed. And yet was immediately thereafter handed what otherwise would have seemed means to attempt again, though as a medical courtesy.

I didn't. I don't remember much of what did happen. Things were so...closed in. Oppressive. And yet..that yearning, unto hope...tormented me. Unto greater despair, it seemed.

I'm just reminded of that feeling, in the wake of so much bereavement. It's not dissimilar, in ways...

But there's a difference. We don't grieve as those without hope. And even as I'd once grieved while despising the hope within me which I didn't understand, that hope has now has found meaning, rest, and purpose in recognition of Christ's grace toward me...and of the eternal life I have in Him...so too, as we grieve the losses of beloved others--via whatever course, whatever end on this earth--we do so as ones who know rest in God, having found mercy and reconciliation with Him.

And we grieve as those who have hope to stand beside our beloved ones in the heavenlies, hereafter. For we know that Christ is the resurrection and the life, and He has promised to return to for us all. And we will all meet again, eternally to worship Him.

That doesn't take away all the weight of grief, no. There's still sorrow. There's still keen absence, an unyielding ache.

But there's hope. True hope. Knowing that though this life will ever remain bereft of that one most dearly loved, evermore torn asunder...the hereafter won't be so. And if we were in Christ, together, then we will be together in Christ forever. Blessedly whole communion, unmarred by the stain of sin, then.

Makes me yearn for eternity, now. Which is too heavy, and means that too much of what's been revisited and lingered in still requires being brought into subjection to the truth of Christ.

He is that and Him in Whom we live and move and have our being. He did sorrow while He was here. He was rejected, and we counted Him afflicted by God due to the rejection He endured and the sufferings. Yet He is our God. And He endured all these so that by His patient obedience even unto death, death on the cross...His righteousness, perfect, could be accounted to us. Even as He endured the wrath we are due. That we could receive mercy, through Him.

Jesus has been so merciful to me. So many times, I've despaired of life and it's been a matter of pride and self-exaltation--I didn't not want to submit to God, I wanted to rule my own course and determine my own morality, rather than submitting to the reality of created order and design. So, wrapped up in all the grief and fear and pain was the reality that I was exalting my own understanding in direct defiance of God's wisdom and sovereignty over me.

He was merciful, is all. I deserved to enter His eternal wrath, the many times I courted death and sought it and accidentally entered it. I deserved death, hell, and eternal punishment. That was my due.  I had earned it, I still deserve it...the only difference now is that I have come to terms with the reality that I have sinned against a holy, just, righteous, perfect God and I am grieved to have wronged Him. I have humbled myself, by grace, to recognize that I want and need and am designed for submitting to His will and His ways, and I loathe that I ever acted against Him--because He's good, He's worthy of all obedience, and so it's a terrible thing, a horrific course I was on, acting in defiance of Him. I see my wretchedness made apparent in the light of the wonder of His majesty, awesome fearfulness, and glory...and I want nothing more to do with sin, but only to serve Him better.

And so I have turned from the course I was on, by His grace manifest unto me in Christ. And by the grace extended to me in Christ, I have faith in Jesus Christ's full atonement and propitiation and satisfaction of my sin debts--all the wrath due me, the spiritual death I deserve, and the infinite punishment I also deserve, and the shamefulness of all my defiance...all, Jesus took upon Himself and satisfied for me. And I know Him and I completely trust Him for these things.

So that, looking back on those times before...when hope had no rightful home, as I was living in defiance and despising God...I see the mercy God extended to me, even as not allowing me to end my life while I lived in darkness. I was rightfully under His wrath, then, and would have entered eternal wrath. I deserved it (again, I still do...except that Christ has paid my debts and satisfied the wrath and I have asked God's forgiveness, pleaded His mercy, and trust Jesus's all-sufficient grace).

To enter death apart from having repented from sin, apart from having humbled oneself to the reality of God's righteous wrath against us as sinners...seeking His forgiveness, turning from defiance to submit to Him and worship Him in all of life as is our due course...turning to Him through the Son of God, Jesus Christ, and seeking mercy in Him...trusting wholly in Him alone, by faith...

...to enter death apart from resting fully in Christ's redemption is not something to take lightly. And yet we know that God will be glorified in the eternal punishment of those who are under wrath even as He will be glorified in the eternal redemption of those saved by grace through faith. He will be glorified.

All the More, Look Unto Christ

Grateful for the opportunity to speak with people, today. Everything is so weird, to me. And I do want counsel. I want help making decisions. I don't quite know how to go about that in a way which isn't disingenuous, is what I've come to realize and been convicted of this past week. I anticipate weirdness, always, and so tend to control for what's presented. I'm just like my friend in that regard. And it's not intentional, not thought out. The instances where I've noted this has happened recently, one had been a matter of not understanding what was being asked of me (misunderstanding, moreover, and answering what I thought was clearly asked)...and being too ashamed to clarify after the fact. And then, of not knowing how to represent a situation well which I don't understand, myself, so giving as much detail as possible to try to provide context, but then realizing afterward that I'd forgotten some details which seem to be extremely relevant, also.

And then there are things like the situation with my hand/arm. I shouldn't be typing right now, for instance. It's hurting, and I'm doing it anyway, which is basically against doctor's orders. Only, the thing with the doctor's orders not to do stuff if it causes pain was as result of me specifically asking if I shouldn't do things if it hurts, and being told that's a good rule. Or otherwise, I wouldn't have any orders, I'm assuming. So...yeah.

I just don't know what else to do. I fail at all the things, trying to be forthright and open and honest, and then finding that in attempting to be completely so, I end up overextending in ways which I didn't recognize at the time. And I try a lot of the time to go back and correct what I've said, to folks, but then that too...seems a nuisance to others, who have already moved on from trivial conversations as were had. So, I feel triply foolish for having blindly erred, for feeling the need to address it, and then finding doing so to have been inconsequential and actually burdensome/uncomfortable/awkward for others.

So, I just stop. And retreat to silence once more. The whole of the process is not without prayer. Sometimes I'm just really not sure. And sometimes even the deepest extent of having cast myself on Christ unto being guided by Him...being a partial submission as will be the case until sloughing this mortal coil...still is tainted by my own sinful nature of the flesh, as awaiting conformation to His holiness. So, I lament and cry out for aid--for mercy, for deliverance, for more complete guidance.

And I trust Him to guide. Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul, who took on flesh and gave Himself as a ransom for me. The Father indeed has given Him. And Christ Himself died while I was yet His enemy, to save me. All things needful to my salvation will be assuredly provided. And I rest secure in the hope that my entire fate is sealed in His hands, with love.

So, all the sinfulness...I despise in myself. I loathe it, as abhorrent to my Lord, as at fault for His humiliations...

For love of Christ, I hate sin. Yet even there, all I can do is cry out to Him for mercy, for deliverance. And rest in Him, to know He will guide.

I've been particularly lamenting what seems to be a sheer lack of discipline, lately. But it struck me even today that the Lord does establish my steps. And I must press on. If He has given me a longing for more structure, He will yield to provide the strength. But even then...days like today, there's not been a lot of time afforded to utter diversion. If anything, I spend a lot of time in reflection and something of confession and testimony--like as this. And talking with others. Some study of Scripture, some prayer, some discussing doctrine, some polemics, some apologetics, some evangelism. And some survey of what goes on in the world and the lives of others, yeah. Not a huge amount, but still. Some.

There's just a part of me which really longs for something which seems more orderly and structured. And that's just not been a thing. I've failed at it, again and again. My focus is so...splayed. Even now, reading through books...I need to finish them. I've begun multiple, and keep turning to things like this, at present. Which...isn't all bad. But there's something of a lack of balance.

Whatever need be, though.

I will trust the Lord with all this. Whatever need be.

I'm just going to trust Him. Things are crazy. I need wise, Christ-guided counsel on some particular matters which I'm struggling to discern a way forward regarding...but there's a bit of doing to get from where I am right now to even being in position to ask, I think. I'm not even sure. I'm just waiting for peace in the matter, to proceed. This is all like walking through a dark room full of furniture, blindfolded and while experiencing fluctuations of extreme vertigo (lattermost this, used to happen regularly post-TBI)...though being guided by one who sees and who is firmly upright. He has me secure, I know. But all my senses are exhausted from being able to be used.

I have nothing to add to my present trajectory's course, not even ability to significantly comment on the matters at-hand. As, again, whenever I do attempt to comment, I thereafter find that I've overstepped and erred in one direction or another...and don't always respond quickly enough to conviction to be able to correct in that very moment. It's what it is.

How do I get clarity, though? Can I have clarity? Is that a thing?

I just remember an instance in 2016, when I'd first begun independent work at the agency where I was stationed...in the parking garage, completely overwhelmed by the enormous complexity of all the tasks which were going to be required of me (especially given that I was becoming increasingly aware that I didn't even have an inkling what all was going to be required of me--further complication, indeed)...and being stricken with the reality that certain matters which I hadn't known were requirements had been brought to me by others who did not know that I did not know I was supposed to be doing the things (didn't write down those matters, so don't remember precisely what)...making it so that I was informed without having faltered from a duty that I'd just as easily have failed due to having no idea of responsibility (and having it made apparent that no structure existed to inform of such matters, as generally there seemed prevailing notion that everyone knew what everyone needed to know).

...as convoluted as that may sound, it was.

But I was able to reflect on the reality that I'd been prevented from faltering in my responsibilities through no merit nor striving of my own--rather, only per God's grace to me in providentially ordering those interventions. And so in that instant of being all the more utterly stricken with the abject reality of my compete insufficiency to the task at hand...

...which, was known all the more impossible per further reflection upon how impossible it had been to attempt to keep track of and maintain stasis, stock, cleanliness, and all things similarly needful in a 200,000 square foot department store (effectively, turning away from that role was fallout from a moral dilemma with management ideology)...

...if I couldn't keep order of all the matters going on in a 200,000 sq. ft. store, ensuring all ran completely orderly and according to what was necessary...how was I going to be able to manage keeping a strict schedule (entailing making appointments on time for folks across great spans of distance), when multiple miles, unexpected traumas, unforeseeable difficulties, and wholly unknown circumstances were certainties for daily life?

Impossible. I can't control traffic and accidents and people's need for support, nor any of the other impossibilities entailed. And to add to my own impossibilities with regularity by also taking on work from others who needed aid? Completely unmanageable. Impossible.

I micromanage, is the thing. And that's been a thing. Overthinking, some have called it--telling me I was going to lose my mind entirely, if I didn't stop thinking so much, at times. But I have wanted to know and I have wanted to understand. I have wanted to be wise. So, seeking out the end of matters...has been a thing.

And as such, I perceived the complexity and certain uncertainties in great detail, as far as mentally calculating expected odds of various potentialities and counterbalancing against the increasing knowledge of my own ignorance of even what factors would need to be accounted for when planning out a day...

...and it was just all impossible, to me. In that moment, remembrance of Peter walking out on the water came to mind. And Something of how easy it may seem to do such a thing near the shore, where I know that if I take my eyes off the Lord, I'll easily be able to walk in my own strength without the waters being above my head. But to follow Him out above the depths...I was struck with the reality that I would have to trust Him increasingly, and not take my eyes off Him to consider circumstances, but instead...one step at a time, move forward. Just one step at a time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. Trusting Him.

That's still the case. I've failed in so many ways, at so many times. But He's continued to deliver and strengthen and humble and correct me. And I trust Him. Going forward.

So, of my sin...I submit the wretchedness of all I am, as true indeed. God's Word is clear that all have fallen short--I see so clearly how this is so, in myself even still.

Yet as was preached this evening, seeing the reality of our wretchedness and horrific sin-sick natures...means we are qualified for salvation. Jesus came to save sinners. To seek and save that which was lost. To heal the sick, as those who are well have no need of a Physician (or, don't believe they do, at least--merely being blind to reality).

So in all this, I submit to Christ. Grieved and yet rejoicing. I will rest now, and await His guidance.

But again...looking unto Christ..

On Forgiveness & Sharing Widely of That Which He Instructs Individually

Waiting things out, right now. I don't understand what's going on, any more than anyone else does. Though I think there are a lot of pockets where there's belief in understanding what's going on.

I fail and I'm grieved of it, but all I can continually do is go back to the foot of the cross--same as anyone. If I could wholly cease from sin, and be done with the flesh...?

...

I am SO glad the Lord restrains me significantly, at times. Recently, there's been such a rash of emotional fallout that my ability to persist in any given direction--upon any given course as a response or interpretation--has been as solid as jello, and quite as difficult to nail down (no plastic baggy to aid, mind you). Saying one thing, then doing another, again and again (realizing I'd spoken in error, moreover). And, gratefully, at least given grace to be able to slightly withdraw from all communion for a time. And now completely--for a brief time, unto Christ, as He deals with me and prepares me.

This hurts. Like. Hurts. Sometimes more keenly than others, and nothing of thought involved--just a persistent, railing sense of loss and absence. Short of ardent pursuit of the Lord and focus upon Him through fellowship, prayer, witnessing, evangelizing, praise, and such-like activity...this other is fairly consuming, consistently (my hair seems to be falling out en masse, even: why dis?).

Just to be still in the midst of the grief, though, with the Lord?: There's a sweetness, of sorts. As grieving unto Him: turning to Him in heart and thought in the midst of all--loving and trusting Christ, while pleading for aid. In some brief moments, He's yielded certain clarity which...I have struggled with, and struggle with, still.

Was it yesterday? No. The day before, overcome. And in the midst of all, a certain conviction of the absolute knowledge of what need be, of absolute surrender unto forgiveness, open handed. I was and still am aghast. Not of any sort of derision, nor even a spurning of this. But per an abject knowledge of my complete inability to do this, yet wholly confronted and cast into perplexity by the real conviction that the Lord will accomplish this within and through me. Love requires forgiveness.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Whether it receives same (of forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, love, etc.) in kind, or not. It doesn't ask, but gives. It doesn't require, but yields. Love does not seek its own.

So, I've done as was even wholly devastatingly presented, to confess the matter as fully as is possible without divulging those things which are...something else, sacred. Yet even on such count, I fear I didn't manage to maintain wholly and I'm grieved of it...but will trust the Lord with this, too. Matters of confidence, some particular sorts I didn't even hint at--because, no, the recent process wasn't an endeavor to rehash the whole of what was shared and experienced (not at all, but of particular stated intent/s, only). And I marginally wish I could have kept the whole in confidence, but I was absolutely convicted that would have been wrong--dishonorable not to be forthright about concerns, on one hand....unto being deceptive, on one hand; plus, excluding possibility of godly counsel on another, per otherwise lack of communication of concerns as need to be addressed beside others more secure in and rooted in Christ.

But I do wish I hadn't given into any momentary yielding once again to the temptation to view another as oppressor, rather than as a fellow human. I failed in that, wholly--grieved and in pain--and especially wish I had defended as a friend from the outset, rather than so little so late, after the fact.

But I could have said so much more, divulged so much more--not matters regarding that which was needful, of the points of sinfulness, difficulty, and division--nor so much regarding some specific falterings openly discussed along course, yet in confidence, as each confessing to each. But there was the temptation to privately revile and revel in spurning and privately deriding...and I have failed on that count at times, marginally (which is at all, which is wrong). To go along a far course of justifying self per course of undermining other is just wrong. Rather than keeping silence. So, I have a course

I wish I had defended my friend better. Regardless the pain. I wish this matter weren't so grievous, and weren't one...felt in need of such forthright addressing.

I hope he understands none of this was to harm. But just as has been said, pleading truth and right relation. Which, ultimately, is unto reconciliation. Though I did need such aid in being able to concede, also. Needed one to plead his cause with me, back unto the Lord, unto what is right and good and well.

This whole matter of human relation is so...confounding and seems so very messy, to me. And apparently, the closer, the more intimate the relation the more sin is encountered?

I am astounded by all of this. There are things going on which I have nearly no idea of the workings regarding. Even today, it just occurred to me that I need to more fully communicate recent events to an elder who had been a close advisor for a while. Things are so odd.

My perception of matters as they stand is still so different than other folks', it seems. And I think I've offended some people who are dear to me, by being forthright about circumstances. But the thing is...ultimately...we each are beholden to God, and even as He's brought me to realize (increasingly though falteringly so), what matters isn't quite what's allotted, but the appreciation for His sovereign providence having done so. So, whether in want or excess, there's praise. Whether in pain or luxury. Whether in isolation or community.

And...I am sorry that my struggling with these things has possibly hurt some. I don't know that it has.

There's no...requirement for matters to be well on the whole, is the thing. And...

...is it because I felt so secure? Is it because of how immediate the connection was, and how...I just don't even have a word for this.. Perhaps because the extent of intimacy was so much more. Or just...maybe just because it's him. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that the Lord has called me to love my brother well, as a brother for whom He also died. And even as I've been extended so much grace, even so very recently. Then, too, I want to extend such grace and mercy to him.

He doesn't owe me anything. He didn't have to apologize at all, and yet he did do in some sense. Even now, there are so many strange yearnings in my heart, over all this. But they will be continually submitted to Christ. I just miss him. Whatever all the rest of this is, that is the sum.

And yet, the Lord gives and He takes away.

What's so weird about this all, still...as unexpectedly extended and encompassing as this grief is...yes, the peace of Christ, the love of Christ runs deeper still.

And I wonder...how long before this too, fades. Surely it will. Surely it must, same as all the rest had. It's not as though there haven't been other losses. Embarking upon this course, at the beginning of March, I had told my friend Grace something of the nature that apparently heartbreak was my new hobby--and seeming enough so to go pro. I counted that cost, knowing it a real possibility (being all I've known, when it comes to men--always a reasonable assumption). And well enough, trusting the Lord's will would be done.

So be it, then. However You will, Lord. That has been the prayer, both individually and jointly, from the outset of matters--even praying together in such accord. Trusting You with the whole. And it has been a precious time of fellowship to me, which perhaps...perhaps that is what smarts so keenly: to have approached the throne of grace so continually with another, even daily at least magnifying the Lord in conversation, near daily praying, and often reading or contemplating the Word together. And even evangelizing together. These things...these are what I miss most. A partner in these matters.

Spurring me on, even again and again used of God to convict me of lifelong sin. Unto repentance of matters which have been sorely deeply hidden in the darkest crevices of my heart, of trauma and long-standing pain.

May my liberation as such be unto the liberation of others too, then. Even as sought, thus far, sharing of the recognition of long-standing evasiveness and demonization of other blessed brethren, according to my own fear and traumas. Same as temptation is unto with all alongside whom any pain is experienced, yet wrong always. Always wrong.

I still have such a temptation and inclination to write others wholly off, where there's any disunity. I need instruction in this. Sorely.

But of the other. I don't know that any will wander here. However God gives. Even as email which really...actually...isn't checked...does occur when needful, unto the Lord--by whatever means He ordained. Then so, of this, too.

One of the matters most concerning regarding all the pangs of the past few years has been of the ones beside whom exceeding griefs were walked through, up to a point given. Now, unto God (though always so, really). He has led to sharing and perhaps has led to reception regarding matters which are parallel.

All the more so, now, in ways of which I was made aware Tuesday. And so.

As minor as my own grief is, in comparison to that of so many...even like of those who would have been married for decades? How much the grief, there, of separation? And I know one, even yesterday, whose wife of many decades passed. His grief...I can't fathom the expanses of, but can known enough now to grief from afar with him while pleading with the Lord on his behalf, for comfort. So, that too, I solemnly rejoice to accompany.

Even as these others.

I don't know the way forward. Not the steps, at least. But Christ is the Way. That...I do know. So, I just beg you all would bear with me a bit longer in my excessive verbosity and the public nature of my reflections. I will likely restrict the audience which may receive, further. As to be respectful of my friend, toward those who do not know the depths of matters, toward those who would be ill-disposed toward a fellow Saint in any capacity merely due to an overarching reflection upon pains experienced alongside and in the wake of knowing.

We are all born in sin, though. I have no place to cast judgment, though I do forget that at times. But I don't. I don't have that room--the Word of God judges all of us, though it's my place as much as the next person to submit in such things. And to strive by the grace of God working in me, through His Spirit alive in me, to submit to what is taught therein. As going to my brethren when I have aught against them, pleading unto reconciliation, and when failing to find accord solitarily taking another with (which...fortunately or not, all those whom I know on a closer basis at this juncture--apart from those who live elsewhere or aren't mutually known--are elders...so step two is step three). And the going also, while knowing my own proclivity to be drawn into sin, to plead to turn and return to Christ. Which...had I not had aid in that matter, moreover, as an elder providing counsel and many praying along the course...I was certain to fall, on the far end of having so done.

But instead, the Lord has convicted of the need to clear accounts and tally what has been the case of reconciliation as fully well. To whatever end. That nothing of further difficulty would be encountered, from my end. To lay it down.

I can't still bring myself to openly regard some of the particular matters of possible, later grief through which I may be called to walk in this. But even those, I've been required to submit in...trusting God will help me to love, even there, and not to seek my own, but to rejoice with those who rejoice, though I may grieve all the more.

I will trust Christ in this. I can't navigate this terrain. It's too dark, too steep, too sharp, too perilous, too uncertain, and too far beyond my any ability to even embark--and yet, He had led me to embark when He called me. Even now, to continue is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, remembering Him and that He endured suffering and the shame of the cross and the torments of mockery and rejection and all reviling and the tortures and death, spurning all these for the joy set before Him. So, likewise, He will aid me in enduring my paltry trials. Though they kill me, there are nothing compared to what He endured. Though I may be maimed, still this is nothing compared to brethren who are butchered for their faith around the world, still. Each to each, He yields. And to each, a cross to carry.

This is mine, for now.

And I still plead for the reconciliation of friends, a family. I still yearn for this, for their sakes, for their souls' sakes, for all which is good unto God. But knowing certain impossibility. But God...

So, I have no idea. Of any of the things. Except to know I can't do any of what's presently on the docket. Not at all. But He can. And I trust Him to walk me through this one step at a time.

I have two more bits of writing to complete, which I'm aware of thus far. One has been begun, already, the other became apparent as necessity over the course of this writing. To further repent and testify, where the need stands. I have to correct that which I have spoken in error, amongst those (thankfully few!) with whom I had so done. And I need to (again--quasi-)publicly acknowledge both the severity of grief, in pains, and the utter necessity of forgiveness. A forgiveness which Christ alone can wield and yield and make manifest.

I keep being reminded of Corrie Ten Boom's situation with the Nazi soldier who wanted to shake her hand, asking her forgiveness (though he wasn't personally one of her tormenters)...and how she initially reviled and rebelled against even the thought, seeming to despise the very idea of forgiving such atrocities as were committed regardless the man had come to know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of all...

...but that she submitted to the Lord and acted upon that, and from what I have been told, when she conceded and took the man's hand, her forgiveness became true and she was flooded with love for him as a brother in Christ.

Something like that, though I may have the details a bit odd as I've never read the direct account, myself, but only been told it a couple times over recent years...and it keeps returning to mind, lately (because, Yes.).

Forgiveness changes us. Yet so does its withholding.

If my failures and griefs are allowed to be used in any capacity that the Lord will aid others, along course, then I praise Him for such mercy as to use such an unfit vessel to any of His glory. And yet, His Word promises such things are true. So, I submit to Him in all this, trusting that even mire direst and darkest hours...He will indeed redeem, to His glory, even entailing my sanctification.