Waiting things out, right now. I don't understand what's going on, any more than anyone else does. Though I think there are a lot of pockets where there's belief in understanding what's going on.
I fail and I'm grieved of it, but all I can continually do is go back to the foot of the cross--same as anyone. If I could wholly cease from sin, and be done with the flesh...?
...
I am SO glad the Lord restrains me significantly, at times. Recently, there's been such a rash of emotional fallout that my ability to persist in any given direction--upon any given course as a response or interpretation--has been as solid as jello, and quite as difficult to nail down (no plastic baggy to aid, mind you). Saying one thing, then doing another, again and again (realizing I'd spoken in error, moreover). And, gratefully, at least given grace to be able to slightly withdraw from all communion for a time. And now completely--for a brief time, unto Christ, as He deals with me and prepares me.
This hurts. Like. Hurts. Sometimes more keenly than others, and nothing of thought involved--just a persistent, railing sense of loss and absence. Short of ardent pursuit of the Lord and focus upon Him through fellowship, prayer, witnessing, evangelizing, praise, and such-like activity...this other is fairly consuming, consistently (my hair seems to be falling out en masse, even: why dis?).
Just to be still in the midst of the grief, though, with the Lord?: There's a sweetness, of sorts. As grieving unto Him: turning to Him in heart and thought in the midst of all--loving and trusting Christ, while pleading for aid. In some brief moments, He's yielded certain clarity which...I have struggled with, and struggle with, still.
Was it yesterday? No. The day before, overcome. And in the midst of all, a certain conviction of the absolute knowledge of what need be, of absolute surrender unto forgiveness, open handed. I was and still am aghast. Not of any sort of derision, nor even a spurning of this. But per an abject knowledge of my complete inability to do this, yet wholly confronted and cast into perplexity by the real conviction that the Lord will accomplish this within and through me. Love requires forgiveness.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. Whether it receives same (of forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, love, etc.) in kind, or not. It doesn't ask, but gives. It doesn't require, but yields. Love does not seek its own.
So, I've done as was even wholly devastatingly presented, to confess the matter as fully as is possible without divulging those things which are...something else, sacred. Yet even on such count, I fear I didn't manage to maintain wholly and I'm grieved of it...but will trust the Lord with this, too. Matters of confidence, some particular sorts I didn't even hint at--because, no, the recent process wasn't an endeavor to rehash the whole of what was shared and experienced (not at all, but of particular stated intent/s, only). And I marginally wish I could have kept the whole in confidence, but I was absolutely convicted that would have been wrong--dishonorable not to be forthright about concerns, on one hand....unto being deceptive, on one hand; plus, excluding possibility of godly counsel on another, per otherwise lack of communication of concerns as need to be addressed beside others more secure in and rooted in Christ.
But I do wish I hadn't given into any momentary yielding once again to the temptation to view another as oppressor, rather than as a fellow human. I failed in that, wholly--grieved and in pain--and especially wish I had defended as a friend from the outset, rather than so little so late, after the fact.
But I could have said so much more, divulged so much more--not matters regarding that which was needful, of the points of sinfulness, difficulty, and division--nor so much regarding some specific falterings openly discussed along course, yet in confidence, as each confessing to each. But there was the temptation to privately revile and revel in spurning and privately deriding...and I have failed on that count at times, marginally (which is at all, which is wrong). To go along a far course of justifying self per course of undermining other is just wrong. Rather than keeping silence. So, I have a course
I wish I had defended my friend better. Regardless the pain. I wish this matter weren't so grievous, and weren't one...felt in need of such forthright addressing.
I hope he understands none of this was to harm. But just as has been said, pleading truth and right relation. Which, ultimately, is unto reconciliation. Though I did need such aid in being able to concede, also. Needed one to plead his cause with me, back unto the Lord, unto what is right and good and well.
This whole matter of human relation is so...confounding and seems so very messy, to me. And apparently, the closer, the more intimate the relation the more sin is encountered?
I am astounded by all of this. There are things going on which I have nearly no idea of the workings regarding. Even today, it just occurred to me that I need to more fully communicate recent events to an elder who had been a close advisor for a while. Things are so odd.
My perception of matters as they stand is still so different than other folks', it seems. And I think I've offended some people who are dear to me, by being forthright about circumstances. But the thing is...ultimately...we each are beholden to God, and even as He's brought me to realize (increasingly though falteringly so), what matters isn't quite what's allotted, but the appreciation for His sovereign providence having done so. So, whether in want or excess, there's praise. Whether in pain or luxury. Whether in isolation or community.
And...I am sorry that my struggling with these things has possibly hurt some. I don't know that it has.
There's no...requirement for matters to be well on the whole, is the thing. And...
...is it because I felt so secure? Is it because of how immediate the connection was, and how...I just don't even have a word for this.. Perhaps because the extent of intimacy was so much more. Or just...maybe just because it's him. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter.
What matters is that the Lord has called me to love my brother well, as a brother for whom He also died. And even as I've been extended so much grace, even so very recently. Then, too, I want to extend such grace and mercy to him.
He doesn't owe me anything. He didn't have to apologize at all, and yet he did do in some sense. Even now, there are so many strange yearnings in my heart, over all this. But they will be continually submitted to Christ. I just miss him. Whatever all the rest of this is, that is the sum.
And yet, the Lord gives and He takes away.
What's so weird about this all, still...as unexpectedly extended and encompassing as this grief is...yes, the peace of Christ, the love of Christ runs deeper still.
And I wonder...how long before this too, fades. Surely it will. Surely it must, same as all the rest had. It's not as though there haven't been other losses. Embarking upon this course, at the beginning of March, I had told my friend Grace something of the nature that apparently heartbreak was my new hobby--and seeming enough so to go pro. I counted that cost, knowing it a real possibility (being all I've known, when it comes to men--always a reasonable assumption). And well enough, trusting the Lord's will would be done.
So be it, then. However You will, Lord. That has been the prayer, both individually and jointly, from the outset of matters--even praying together in such accord. Trusting You with the whole. And it has been a precious time of fellowship to me, which perhaps...perhaps that is what smarts so keenly: to have approached the throne of grace so continually with another, even daily at least magnifying the Lord in conversation, near daily praying, and often reading or contemplating the Word together. And even evangelizing together. These things...these are what I miss most. A partner in these matters.
Spurring me on, even again and again used of God to convict me of lifelong sin. Unto repentance of matters which have been sorely deeply hidden in the darkest crevices of my heart, of trauma and long-standing pain.
May my liberation as such be unto the liberation of others too, then. Even as sought, thus far, sharing of the recognition of long-standing evasiveness and demonization of other blessed brethren, according to my own fear and traumas. Same as temptation is unto with all alongside whom any pain is experienced, yet wrong always. Always wrong.
I still have such a temptation and inclination to write others wholly off, where there's any disunity. I need instruction in this. Sorely.
But of the other. I don't know that any will wander here. However God gives. Even as email which really...actually...isn't checked...does occur when needful, unto the Lord--by whatever means He ordained. Then so, of this, too.
One of the matters most concerning regarding all the pangs of the past few years has been of the ones beside whom exceeding griefs were walked through, up to a point given. Now, unto God (though always so, really). He has led to sharing and perhaps has led to reception regarding matters which are parallel.
All the more so, now, in ways of which I was made aware Tuesday. And so.
As minor as my own grief is, in comparison to that of so many...even like of those who would have been married for decades? How much the grief, there, of separation? And I know one, even yesterday, whose wife of many decades passed. His grief...I can't fathom the expanses of, but can known enough now to grief from afar with him while pleading with the Lord on his behalf, for comfort. So, that too, I solemnly rejoice to accompany.
Even as these others.
I don't know the way forward. Not the steps, at least. But Christ is the Way. That...I do know. So, I just beg you all would bear with me a bit longer in my excessive verbosity and the public nature of my reflections. I will likely restrict the audience which may receive, further. As to be respectful of my friend, toward those who do not know the depths of matters, toward those who would be ill-disposed toward a fellow Saint in any capacity merely due to an overarching reflection upon pains experienced alongside and in the wake of knowing.
We are all born in sin, though. I have no place to cast judgment, though I do forget that at times. But I don't. I don't have that room--the Word of God judges all of us, though it's my place as much as the next person to submit in such things. And to strive by the grace of God working in me, through His Spirit alive in me, to submit to what is taught therein. As going to my brethren when I have aught against them, pleading unto reconciliation, and when failing to find accord solitarily taking another with (which...fortunately or not, all those whom I know on a closer basis at this juncture--apart from those who live elsewhere or aren't mutually known--are elders...so step two is step three). And the going also, while knowing my own proclivity to be drawn into sin, to plead to turn and return to Christ. Which...had I not had aid in that matter, moreover, as an elder providing counsel and many praying along the course...I was certain to fall, on the far end of having so done.
But instead, the Lord has convicted of the need to clear accounts and tally what has been the case of reconciliation as fully well. To whatever end. That nothing of further difficulty would be encountered, from my end. To lay it down.
I can't still bring myself to openly regard some of the particular matters of possible, later grief through which I may be called to walk in this. But even those, I've been required to submit in...trusting God will help me to love, even there, and not to seek my own, but to rejoice with those who rejoice, though I may grieve all the more.
I will trust Christ in this. I can't navigate this terrain. It's too dark, too steep, too sharp, too perilous, too uncertain, and too far beyond my any ability to even embark--and yet, He had led me to embark when He called me. Even now, to continue is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, remembering Him and that He endured suffering and the shame of the cross and the torments of mockery and rejection and all reviling and the tortures and death, spurning all these for the joy set before Him. So, likewise, He will aid me in enduring my paltry trials. Though they kill me, there are nothing compared to what He endured. Though I may be maimed, still this is nothing compared to brethren who are butchered for their faith around the world, still. Each to each, He yields. And to each, a cross to carry.
This is mine, for now.
And I still plead for the reconciliation of friends, a family. I still yearn for this, for their sakes, for their souls' sakes, for all which is good unto God. But knowing certain impossibility. But God...
So, I have no idea. Of any of the things. Except to know I can't do any of what's presently on the docket. Not at all. But He can. And I trust Him to walk me through this one step at a time.
I have two more bits of writing to complete, which I'm aware of thus far. One has been begun, already, the other became apparent as necessity over the course of this writing. To further repent and testify, where the need stands. I have to correct that which I have spoken in error, amongst those (thankfully few!) with whom I had so done. And I need to (again--quasi-)publicly acknowledge both the severity of grief, in pains, and the utter necessity of forgiveness. A forgiveness which Christ alone can wield and yield and make manifest.
I keep being reminded of Corrie Ten Boom's situation with the Nazi soldier who wanted to shake her hand, asking her forgiveness (though he wasn't personally one of her tormenters)...and how she initially reviled and rebelled against even the thought, seeming to despise the very idea of forgiving such atrocities as were committed regardless the man had come to know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of all...
...but that she submitted to the Lord and acted upon that, and from what I have been told, when she conceded and took the man's hand, her forgiveness became true and she was flooded with love for him as a brother in Christ.
Something like that, though I may have the details a bit odd as I've never read the direct account, myself, but only been told it a couple times over recent years...and it keeps returning to mind, lately (because, Yes.).
Forgiveness changes us. Yet so does its withholding.
If my failures and griefs are allowed to be used in any capacity that the Lord will aid others, along course, then I praise Him for such mercy as to use such an unfit vessel to any of His glory. And yet, His Word promises such things are true. So, I submit to Him in all this, trusting that even mire direst and darkest hours...He will indeed redeem, to His glory, even entailing my sanctification.
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