Grateful for the opportunity to speak with people, today. Everything is so weird, to me. And I do want counsel. I want help making decisions. I don't quite know how to go about that in a way which isn't disingenuous, is what I've come to realize and been convicted of this past week. I anticipate weirdness, always, and so tend to control for what's presented. I'm just like my friend in that regard. And it's not intentional, not thought out. The instances where I've noted this has happened recently, one had been a matter of not understanding what was being asked of me (misunderstanding, moreover, and answering what I thought was clearly asked)...and being too ashamed to clarify after the fact. And then, of not knowing how to represent a situation well which I don't understand, myself, so giving as much detail as possible to try to provide context, but then realizing afterward that I'd forgotten some details which seem to be extremely relevant, also.
And then there are things like the situation with my hand/arm. I shouldn't be typing right now, for instance. It's hurting, and I'm doing it anyway, which is basically against doctor's orders. Only, the thing with the doctor's orders not to do stuff if it causes pain was as result of me specifically asking if I shouldn't do things if it hurts, and being told that's a good rule. Or otherwise, I wouldn't have any orders, I'm assuming. So...yeah.
I just don't know what else to do. I fail at all the things, trying to be forthright and open and honest, and then finding that in attempting to be completely so, I end up overextending in ways which I didn't recognize at the time. And I try a lot of the time to go back and correct what I've said, to folks, but then that too...seems a nuisance to others, who have already moved on from trivial conversations as were had. So, I feel triply foolish for having blindly erred, for feeling the need to address it, and then finding doing so to have been inconsequential and actually burdensome/uncomfortable/awkward for others.
So, I just stop. And retreat to silence once more. The whole of the process is not without prayer. Sometimes I'm just really not sure. And sometimes even the deepest extent of having cast myself on Christ unto being guided by Him...being a partial submission as will be the case until sloughing this mortal coil...still is tainted by my own sinful nature of the flesh, as awaiting conformation to His holiness. So, I lament and cry out for aid--for mercy, for deliverance, for more complete guidance.
And I trust Him to guide. Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul, who took on flesh and gave Himself as a ransom for me. The Father indeed has given Him. And Christ Himself died while I was yet His enemy, to save me. All things needful to my salvation will be assuredly provided. And I rest secure in the hope that my entire fate is sealed in His hands, with love.
So, all the sinfulness...I despise in myself. I loathe it, as abhorrent to my Lord, as at fault for His humiliations...
For love of Christ, I hate sin. Yet even there, all I can do is cry out to Him for mercy, for deliverance. And rest in Him, to know He will guide.
I've been particularly lamenting what seems to be a sheer lack of discipline, lately. But it struck me even today that the Lord does establish my steps. And I must press on. If He has given me a longing for more structure, He will yield to provide the strength. But even then...days like today, there's not been a lot of time afforded to utter diversion. If anything, I spend a lot of time in reflection and something of confession and testimony--like as this. And talking with others. Some study of Scripture, some prayer, some discussing doctrine, some polemics, some apologetics, some evangelism. And some survey of what goes on in the world and the lives of others, yeah. Not a huge amount, but still. Some.
There's just a part of me which really longs for something which seems more orderly and structured. And that's just not been a thing. I've failed at it, again and again. My focus is so...splayed. Even now, reading through books...I need to finish them. I've begun multiple, and keep turning to things like this, at present. Which...isn't all bad. But there's something of a lack of balance.
Whatever need be, though.
I will trust the Lord with all this. Whatever need be.
I'm just going to trust Him. Things are crazy. I need wise, Christ-guided counsel on some particular matters which I'm struggling to discern a way forward regarding...but there's a bit of doing to get from where I am right now to even being in position to ask, I think. I'm not even sure. I'm just waiting for peace in the matter, to proceed. This is all like walking through a dark room full of furniture, blindfolded and while experiencing fluctuations of extreme vertigo (lattermost this, used to happen regularly post-TBI)...though being guided by one who sees and who is firmly upright. He has me secure, I know. But all my senses are exhausted from being able to be used.
I have nothing to add to my present trajectory's course, not even ability to significantly comment on the matters at-hand. As, again, whenever I do attempt to comment, I thereafter find that I've overstepped and erred in one direction or another...and don't always respond quickly enough to conviction to be able to correct in that very moment. It's what it is.
How do I get clarity, though? Can I have clarity? Is that a thing?
I just remember an instance in 2016, when I'd first begun independent work at the agency where I was stationed...in the parking garage, completely overwhelmed by the enormous complexity of all the tasks which were going to be required of me (especially given that I was becoming increasingly aware that I didn't even have an inkling what all was going to be required of me--further complication, indeed)...and being stricken with the reality that certain matters which I hadn't known were requirements had been brought to me by others who did not know that I did not know I was supposed to be doing the things (didn't write down those matters, so don't remember precisely what)...making it so that I was informed without having faltered from a duty that I'd just as easily have failed due to having no idea of responsibility (and having it made apparent that no structure existed to inform of such matters, as generally there seemed prevailing notion that everyone knew what everyone needed to know).
...as convoluted as that may sound, it was.
But I was able to reflect on the reality that I'd been prevented from faltering in my responsibilities through no merit nor striving of my own--rather, only per God's grace to me in providentially ordering those interventions. And so in that instant of being all the more utterly stricken with the abject reality of my compete insufficiency to the task at hand...
...which, was known all the more impossible per further reflection upon how impossible it had been to attempt to keep track of and maintain stasis, stock, cleanliness, and all things similarly needful in a 200,000 square foot department store (effectively, turning away from that role was fallout from a moral dilemma with management ideology)...
...if I couldn't keep order of all the matters going on in a 200,000 sq. ft. store, ensuring all ran completely orderly and according to what was necessary...how was I going to be able to manage keeping a strict schedule (entailing making appointments on time for folks across great spans of distance), when multiple miles, unexpected traumas, unforeseeable difficulties, and wholly unknown circumstances were certainties for daily life?
Impossible. I can't control traffic and accidents and people's need for support, nor any of the other impossibilities entailed. And to add to my own impossibilities with regularity by also taking on work from others who needed aid? Completely unmanageable. Impossible.
I micromanage, is the thing. And that's been a thing. Overthinking, some have called it--telling me I was going to lose my mind entirely, if I didn't stop thinking so much, at times. But I have wanted to know and I have wanted to understand. I have wanted to be wise. So, seeking out the end of matters...has been a thing.
And as such, I perceived the complexity and certain uncertainties in great detail, as far as mentally calculating expected odds of various potentialities and counterbalancing against the increasing knowledge of my own ignorance of even what factors would need to be accounted for when planning out a day...
...and it was just all impossible, to me. In that moment, remembrance of Peter walking out on the water came to mind. And Something of how easy it may seem to do such a thing near the shore, where I know that if I take my eyes off the Lord, I'll easily be able to walk in my own strength without the waters being above my head. But to follow Him out above the depths...I was struck with the reality that I would have to trust Him increasingly, and not take my eyes off Him to consider circumstances, but instead...one step at a time, move forward. Just one step at a time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. Trusting Him.
That's still the case. I've failed in so many ways, at so many times. But He's continued to deliver and strengthen and humble and correct me. And I trust Him. Going forward.
So, of my sin...I submit the wretchedness of all I am, as true indeed. God's Word is clear that all have fallen short--I see so clearly how this is so, in myself even still.
Yet as was preached this evening, seeing the reality of our wretchedness and horrific sin-sick natures...means we are qualified for salvation. Jesus came to save sinners. To seek and save that which was lost. To heal the sick, as those who are well have no need of a Physician (or, don't believe they do, at least--merely being blind to reality).
So in all this, I submit to Christ. Grieved and yet rejoicing. I will rest now, and await His guidance.
But again...looking unto Christ..
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