Relationships, Sin, and Shame

Three main areas being dealt with right now:

Relationships
Self-Indulgence
Shame

Which, maybe that's always the focus, just in varied ways? Regardless, these have been the points of surrender and instruction with the Lord, most recently. Sometimes that's a little more clearly recognized than at other times.

Along the line of relationships so much idolatry, grief, injury, and confusion is being addressed. Regarding family, especially. There's been so much injury and untruth perpetuated between all parties, yet ongoing. The social dynamic revolves around various sorts of manipulations--unawares, though, is the point of grief: Compulsive, habitual. Which all is neither healthy nor God-honoring.

So the largest concern has been regarding what love looks like, in such circumstance. How can I love without condoning sin, without exalting sin, without entering freely in to situations where sin would knowingly have free reign and influence--especially when merely interacting has continually been interpreted as agreement on all fronts, and when my words have many times been twisted against their meanings entirely (particularly to dispel conviction of the Holy Spirit, which is particularly grievous to have been noted). The latter of this all seems a natural consequence of the way I used to interact, prior to coming to know Christ--I was adept at comforting people at the expense of their consciences and truth. Whatever the emotional ailment, I could find a way to rationalize things as acceptable or at the very least, rationalize it as acceptable not to accept guilt. I was adept at dispelling truth and doing away with notions of guilt, and rationalizing every sort of wickedness as justifiable.

So to see the fruits of that former lifestyle now holding sway in interactions? Such that either my words are being utterly massacred to serve the former (thus still expected) desires for false comfort...or are being interpreted to mean I'm now demon possessed and insane (the two things I've been told were discussed within family as reasons for my change of being)...

...to see all that and wonder how to not knowingly continue to support defiance against God?

...in itself, seems a paradoxical consideration given how sin so often is still given reign in my own flesh.

I'm tempted to believe there'd be less conflict regarding withdrawal from fellowship, if family concerns were just more blatantly a matter of overt witchcraft or physical sexual exploitation. But that just isn't so. I fell back into fellowship with word-of-faith teaching fairly readily when desperation for the Lord set in while attending my previous church--this, despite having been convicted that word-of-faith teaching is witchcraft. So, I still rationalized going back to it, despite knowing it's demonic doctrine--doctrine which exalts humanity to a level of "godhood" which isn't warranted by Scriptures, which attempts to use Scripture as a tool to manipulate God into indulging human covetousness for earthly stability, health, and prosperity.

Despite knowing how wrong, how wicked, I still went back. And still...still consider it the lesser of evils, in ways--I'm grateful the Lord used that wickedness on my part to extract me from the sway held over me at the other church. Though I'm grieved to note my wickedness in falling prey to staying from Him by wandering into both places.

None of us is above falling prey to demonic doctrines, false teachings, antichrists, except that He restrains or delivers.

Which lattermost is the point that's so paradoxical--finding myself in a position of seeing and lamenting what it would cost (of sin and encouraging sin) to re-enter fellowship with my family, while yet seeing myself incapable of refraining from sin, of walking by the Spirit as to overcome sin...except that He restrains me, changes me, and extends continuous grace so to do and be kept.

I'm not above anything being done anywhere. I'm not beyond faltering into the greatest depths of wickedness. I do not want to so falter, but even that is a work of His grace. So, except that He keeps me and delivers me...I would, this very moment, still be wholly content to wander from distraction to distraction as has been done (to increasing damage to my walk with the Lord) for the past year and some--rationalized as to "manage" pain and also at times still to "fit in." I'd probably be walking around Walmart right now, looking at potential, needless purchases. Or eating somewhere. Rather than being humbled by the gratitude of realizing His mercy upon me, yet again, and humbled to remain in awareness of my desperate need for His continued keeping lest I fall right back again.

So even as I cannot keep myself from sin, the thing of the all of my relationships--of family, of friends, of all of my human interactions (broken and haphazard and unwell as they all still are: at least, as any degree endeavored apart from Christ's constant leading)--is that I can't do it. I just can't. My parents told me, when I was in kindergarten, that the word "can't" was a four-letter-word and had no place in my vocabulary. But they were wrong.

I can't do life or relationships without Christ's constant help: I need Him to help with each of even the least bits of every aspect of interaction. And especially in as much as I'm still so fleshly as to be overcome by emotional or sexualized interactions so to falter into anxiety, depression, despair, et al--then all the more has He evidenced that there is no hope for interaction of any sort except that each and every instant be consciously an act of surrendered, loving obedience to Christ...awaiting His direction and help and love, so to be and do as is good. I can't work that out, though--can't manifest it.

But He can.

And...He's brought me to despair of my patent inability in all these matters, increasingly, just so as to surrender to my abject need of Him, all the more. In each and every instance. Each and every moment. For every word. Though imperfectly lived, no less the truth. And I'm at His mercies for help in this.

All of which...has been the case. But this is still more, somehow.
Before, so much interaction was a matter of terrified desperation--even to be able to interact sincerely was to desperately cry out for Jesus to help, each moment, or otherwise be contorted and destroyed by fear. Because walking with Christ means no longer having been able to perpetuate the lies and facades that once allowed me to pretend interaction with any degree a semblance of ease (except for brief moments of faltering, still).

So, there's that...of relationship things.

And there are bits and pieces of the evidences of self-indulgence interspersed along the way of that contemplation. Giving into distraction, letting my heart be turned to try to find succor other than Jesus. And being contorted and influenced by the fear of man has been an underlying theme, thereabouts.

I have strayed, though. Which seems a continual thing. He is gracious to use my need for redemption to exalt His faithfulness and His love and His mercies toward me, again and again--bringing back to a deeper point of acknowledging the depths of my depravity and recklessness, of the flesh, of the danger of turning my eyes from Him. Of so many things. But mostly to see His mercies, to despair of my ineptitude, and to rejoice anew in His faithfulness and how blessed it is to be forgiven and kept by Christ.

None of us are exempt from faltering. I had thought myself above faltering due to the depth of my appreciation and love for Him, though unspoken, at the outset of walking with Him. I had believed and even asked Him that I would never falter from pursuing Him wholeheartedly--unto greater and greater surrender and love. But again and again, self-indulgence has won out by way of physical comforts or pleasures and idolatry of man.

But we can't serve two masters. Period. My heart cannot be both given to constantly craving new, shiny, pretty things (no matter how "cheap" or inexpensive) and wholly exulting in Christ's fellowship. My heart cannot simultaneously seek to unceasingly thrill on distraction after distraction of information about social developments or new technologies or popular trends or scientific discoveries or whatsoever else and wholeheartedly revel in pursuing new depths of realization of Christ's (which is to say, our God's) majesty and glory. My heart cannot simultaneously give itself to deeply desiring and attempting to sate itself upon tangible, fleshly, worldly indulgences while also maintaining a taste for, a deep thirst for, and ever continually striving to drink of the living waters of God. No matter how innocuous any tangible "indulgences" may seem--bit by bit, or at a time--if, as, and when they amount to becoming a desire which outcries my heart's longing for God, Himself, and fellowship with Him through His Spirit...I have fallen into sin. (Listened to a sermon yesterday--Piper, maybe?...or Keller?...or maybe this one?--discussing the root word origin for something related to sin--or, actually, I think it was temptation?--something about how it has to do with excessive desire...)

And I have fallen into sin. Or had again, and He is only now just bringing me through the gift and ability of repentance. It seems. I hope.

I despaired for months (between intermittent posts) over my inability to even want to do what I wanted to want to do. I despaired of having reached a point of hard-heartedness as that I could no longer want to do right (to draw near to the Lord, more specifically), but only saw further desire for self-indulgence, entertainment, and distraction from reality in my heart. And it's not as though sin has been completely stricken from me, even now. But now I do increasingly long for it to be, at least, where a week ago still there was only a minor desire...and a week prior to that, nothing but indulgent deadness except for brief moments of His quickening.

There is still great need to return to a regular course of fasting, which is as unto subjecting the body (in non-life-threatening ways--as to honor and seek after God, not test Him) to spiritual seeking. Fasting is only possible for me when the Lord gives strength to do so, is all. I find myself incapable of mustering the strength to even desire to do it, even--except to know the need of it and to remember the nearness to Christ embraced by such a forcible flinging of my all upon Him in subjection and need for His strength. Even if doing so as pleading with Him for help and for faith and in prayer of other matters. Or just for His help and nearness in general, like as needs now (though there are so many specific matters that I cast on Him for mercy).

The course of fasting is between Him and me, though. He will work out the ways and means with each and every one of us, as He calls. For all I know, fasting from the internet for a week might require just as much grace and empowerment from God for some others as it would for me to fast from solid foods for the same span.

The thing is, I cannot force Him to help me with these things. And even with fasting--that does not obligate Him in any way. If He gifts repentance, if He gifts grace to bring the flesh into subjugation to the spirit per fasting or any means--it's grace, alone. His grace is not something earned, negotiated for, nor warranted. Otherwise it wouldn't be grace. Like Paul was saying--if you work for a wage, then the wage isn't grace, it's something you are due. But we don't and cannot work for grace. Because God's grace isn't earned. Just as His mercy isn't earned.

Moses got the word straight up, on that count, and Paul recounted it too--God said He will have mercy on whomever He will have mercy on. Moses asked Him why some people received mercy, and that's what God responded. Period. And Isaiah wasn't the only one to be given to discuss what it is to question the Maker about such matters as His will for us--in terms of declaring the absurdity of any potsherd daring to question or remark against the Potter as to what He's forming. Again, Paul recounted this, too.

So, all the more, when I have faltered and seen my own willfulness and sinfulness apart from His continual deliverance and strength...it is deeply humbling to know that there is nothing except His grace which restores me and yields repentance and surrender and seeking of Him.

And maybe that's why He has allowed me to fall so many times, already--pride is dashed when it's shown to be a lie. Seeing my own proclivity for sin and my own failures and my fallibility...and being restored only after much pleading with Him (while being made aware, the while, that I wouldn't even be aware as to plead except that He had already had mercy)...drives home my powerlessness and subjugation to His will. Necessary and increasingly glad subjugation to His will, as it were. Especially knowing His will is good.

And because there's nothing apart from Him that satisfies. Everything else only feeds in such a way as actually increases the unholy desires being fed: indulgence is unto a more consuming desire for greater indulgence, ever increasing. Not satiety. But whereas the desire for Christ and feasting upon Him does also reap a greater desire for a love of Him, this is unto greater peace and joy (and all the complex fruit of His Spirit--engendering personal fulfillment and satisfaction) while the indulgence of self (of sin) reaps a continual unrest, disappointment, unease, depression, anxiety, despair, and desperation for increased diversification and depth of such distractions. Maybe some people plateau, on the latter? Maybe some people are content at a certain level of indulgence and just stay there, and just bear with the unrest and relative lack of fulfillment in life--yet calling it enough? But that is still emptiness. Solomon called it all vanity.

I don't want to continue with such vanity. It's false at core, especially considering that our created order and design is to seek, to love, to glorify, and to fellowship with our very Creator--the God of all the universe! Seriously. There's no comparison. Especially not having tasted and known/realized/acknowledged/embraced/loved the goodness of His love--nothing else suffices. Nothing can compare.

So. I can't keep myself from faltering, though. I can't manage to prevent myself from wandering. I have continually strayed from Him--even calling it good intentioned, at times, like as with attendance at the previous church. Which was a second instance whereby was evidenced my tendency to want to live my walk with Christ through the lens of others' perceptions of truth, That has not proved helpful, again and again--being told what to do, how to believe, what to expect, and how to interact with God...has numerous times, now, been my Achilles' heel for faltering into sin beginning with such idolatry of man. This temptation has especially been overwhelming when coming from people whom I have believed to be walking closely with the Lord, and especially when provided in terms of what I "need to do" and how I "need to be" as to be godly. Rather than being directed to Jesus Christ, Himself, that is.

The first such major faltering was amongst my own family.
Then amidst a church which prides itself on especially sound doctrine.
And most recently faltering has been beside another family.

All of which has been my sin. I have only indulged what was latent in my own flesh. Merely, circumstantial factors were used in each instance to rationalize giving into sin and turning from Christ. Peer pressure, and I submitted against the Lord's leading. Esteeming the opinions of others more than God's regard. Desiring approval and inclusion by others more than the loving fellowship of Christ. And I still falter, much to my grief. And my own faltering....well, the thing is--I don't know whether the ones whom I was beside perhaps may be well in their faith, as they stand? And perhaps I'm just not at liberty within my own faith to do the things others do. Thing is, they led the willing, as it goes. I didn't stray entirely against my will. I indulged temptation, rather, in turning to others to be God for me. To be present with me in His stead. Rather than to still long after Him with grief and sometimes joy. But with separation, still, and much efforts. It feels easier sometimes to seek solidarity with others, to seek meaning in fellowship, rather than continue to strive after God while yet in fellowship--needing to continue to test all things.

So, yeah. That's not just a passive idolatry of man. In my heart, I wanted others to be present in His stead. As Him, in a way. To quell the yearning for His nearness. Rather than continue to seek. To be told, rather than need still to draw nearer Him to listen. To have a visible companion, rather than to tune my heart to relish His presence and the fellowship of His Spirit.

That doesn't work, of seeking others to be in His stead. I've heard the following said, and it's true: there's no such thing as second-hand Christianity. You can't inherit a relationship with Christ.

So, then, neither can you take part in one with Him by-proxy. It's one-on-one or it's nothing at all. God and man--each to each. We will each one of us stand or fall before Him on the final day. And the same goes for now, as salvation and walking with Him goes.

There are no excuses, on that point.

And as shame goes, too--I stand or fall before the Lord.

Truth of the matter is, there are things I've done which are deeply shameful. There are aspects of who I yet am, awaiting Christ's return and my full deliverance--things which I battle regularly before the Lord--which are shameful. I would not speak of them in any but the Lord's company, except He gives leave to do so. And of a truth, I am guilty.

He knows this. He knows these things. And Jesus Christ gave his life to pay my debt, to atone for my sins, and to cover my shame. This is not something that gives me leave to exalt myself, but rather to cast all I am upon Him in surrender and gratitude--crying for mercy, finding His grace sufficient even for me, rocked to the depths of my soul with amazement at His kindness and love, humbled in gratitude for the gift He has given...a gift I could never earn nor deserve, so that much more cherished.

How wonderful He is. How beautiful is Jesus's love for us, that He would give His own life to atone for our sins...while we yet hated Him and spurned His love with our every willful breath. Yet in mercy He came. And died, becoming our sacrifice. And overcame death, becoming our life.

In Him we live and move and have our being, indeed. He isn't far from us. He came, that He would be found and His mercies embraced.

There's so much lately about needing to know the need of a savior, as to ever be saved. Otherwise, there's no desire for salvation. As with the Pharisees, who believed their own version of righteousness was sufficient, especially given that it was based upon Scriptures and their diligence and utmost desire to be complicit to God's Word. They believed they had accomplished what they had set out to do, per devout attentions. That is a deep warning to us all. If the very people of God, entrusted with His own Word, could so fail to know Him and fail to attain His salvation...despite being born into their stature and raised on the Word...

...how much more easily will we fail to know His salvation? It is not by works, but by faith.
Though faith which produces no works isn't faith. If we abide in Him, we will bear fruit. Period. By faith. Abiding in Him. Not apart from Him.

But what are we commanded? We are to love God, with everything we are. If we do love Him, then we will obey Him...out of love. Period. And obedience which isn't borne of love--it isn't obedience, it's moralizing, devoid of life.

So what is the work? Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God. Love God. Love others. A love arisen naturally out of love for Him, or not love at all. Love is not devoid of emotions. Love is the highest of them all. And even as compassion is a depth of pity which is so charged with emotion that it engenders action, then so is love which is of God a love which drives us to act.

So what are works, then? If we are to love Him. And love others as He has loved us all, that we may be perfect as He is perfect...

What is it, but to cast all we are? To cry for mercy? To know our need of change and our inability to muster even the desire for love? And cast this all on Him, continually, until He answers?

He does Answer. Granted, He also is the answer... =) ...but He does answer. It's not something contrived, not something we can conjure us.

Like as with my brain injury--I can (less now than at the outset) remember what it was like, slightly, to be able to think in certain ways. I remember what it was to be able to do math well, for one. But I am abjectly incapably of forcing my mind into that way of being. It doesn't do it the same way, now. Math used to be fun and easy. Theorems made sense. It just stuck. Doesn't now. I can't change my brain. Even having spent a long while recuperating to the point of being able to do sums again, my brain still doesn't function as it did.

Similarly, I cannot and we--none of us--cannot change our hearts. We might remember what it has meant to feel something at some point. We might lament feeling something we do feel, even. But though we can manipulate by delving into distraction after distraction, we cannot actually alter the consistency and ability of our hearts to muster emotion and love for God and one another. And anything we do to try to muster something of "good" effectively is only false, arisen from machinations that are of mixed mettle and motive. But He can change our hearts. And He does. And He will, if we ask Him. Continually. Don't stop asking until He answers. Doesn't matter if you can't even feel to desire to truly want the change--He can do that, too. And it's not that He answers because He's obligated to by anything on our part. No, He's just told us that He will be found by us if we seek Him. He's told us He'll answer. We may not know when or how or in what way, but He has told us that He will do so if we seek Him with all our heart--even knowing we have to depend on Him for the mettle to be able to do so, then still also crying out for help on that count. He will answer. He does.

Just don't stop seeking. Don't stop striving after Him. All the world wants to consume us, our very flesh wants to consume itself unto death, and the forces of wickedness would have us crushed for the mere sake of seeing another image bearer of God demolished...but we have shelter and help in God. He is who He has said He is and will do as He has said. We cannot and do not have to attempt to manipulate Him into doing so. He does as He wills, and it has been His will to reveal Himself to us through His Word, and to reveal His ways. And to reveal that He is faithful and does look for opportunity to show Himself strong on behalf of those who trust in Him. This may not always look like what we would prefer, and it's certainly not without pain and persecution. But the peace and joy of knowing Him...

...of having peace with God, though Jesus Christ--God's own son, God incarnate...

...is above all treasures.

I am grateful He has been merciful to me. May He lavish mercies on you, too. Christ's peace and grace be with you, whoever and wherever you are.

All of which is a long bit of rambling. But these are the recent things He's been working on, in me. There are so many facets to each. So many long-suppressed realities which He's been bringing into subjection to truth. So many griefs and fears. And the longings of my heart, all again arisen to be surrendered.

He is a faithful Friend. Christ is the best friend I have ever had...even despite all my wanderings.

Trust: Through the Valley

Walking by faith is a trial of faith, in itself: Dependent upon trust in the One in whom faith rests. Do I trust Him enough to take Him at His word that He'll never leave nor forsake me? Do I trust Him and know who and how He is well enough to be able to keep in mind, or at least periodically remember, that all things work to good to those who are called? And do I trust Him to remind me, even as I forget so easily and so frequently, of the "Egypt" from which He delivered me--through impossibility and though death sought to hold sway, time and again? Do I trust Him to bring the things which He's said to remembrance, when I'm too far gone to have strength or wherewithal to even recognize the need to remember Him?

Do I trust His motives? Do I trust His means? Do I trust Him? ...enough to be led, though all others might reject and scoff, or spurn and cast off...or even simply just forget me, along course of my pursuit of Christ? Do I trust Him to convict me of sin and righteousness? And to work out the salvation He'd begun in me unto completion--having bought with His own blood the right to do so at His own pace and according to His own perfect wisdom?

Do I trust Jesus, my Lord and my God, to perfect my faith through trials? Various trials. Even ones which seem unlike trials, for being so very internal--for, as now, being so much concentric the notions of worldliness and devotion?

That is the question, though. Do I trust Him. Do you?

It helps that He reminds me of where He's brought me--out from death, out from worldly hedonism (which was unto despair, personally), out from abject desolation of meaningless. He delivered me out of the pits of hell on earth--self-instituted, as pursuing fulfillment earnestly and doggedly, but according to carnal understanding. I had gone deeper and deeper into despair, into meaninglessness. Empty on all sides and increasingly bereft of the will or ability to do anything. Blessedly incapacitated in God's direction.

He gave me hope by reminding me that there's deliverance and life in Himself which I had no means of attaining apart from Him. He gave me life by drawing me into His own death. Seeing Him as He is, for even a moment at a time, and being granted the gift of repentance per being permitted to see the truth of my own wretchedness and sin. Sin for which He suffered, so to deliver me. What despair, to realize anything of the cost of my waywardness...as unto His suffering and death. My Lord and savior, the Blessed One who is abjectly Beloved...that He would suffer at any cause...  ...inconceivable. And to know my guilt, thereof. To witness it. And the same goes for each of us. Our sins are what held Him there, on that cross--not a power, in themselves, but in order to atone for them He endured. Our guilt is manifestly evidenced in and as and by His suffering--Jesus Christ's suffering evidences our culpability. We are guilty of His death. That He would die to atone for our sins, to be the propitiation...the only possible propitiation..

...all the more do we stand condemned if we reject His mercy, there extended publicly for all to see--and recorded and proclaimed publicly for eternity, for all to be drawn.

He did that, despite my wretchedness. Despite my abject...wretchedness is not a strong enough word...He looked on me with love. And suffered and died that I might come to know His mercies. And overcame death and put sin to death in the flesh, that I might join Him in life eternal and be made free...

And except that He had revealed these things by His Spirit, corroboratively revealed (and finally understood) in His Word, I would not know hope, still.

Since that time, though, He's continued to patiently bear with me. And gradually teach me. About Himself. And about myself. Helping me to come to a greater knowledge of truth, banishing the shadows and transforming my mind and healing and renewing my heart. Bit by bit.

He's let me see how He has even redeemed my faltering so often by cultivating empathy and compassion. I'm still so loveless, so selfish, so fractured. But He has done much work, even for there to be possibility of realizing these things as true--prior, blindness was so vast as to prevent awareness of these states of being as the case...and still my heart is relatively insensate to the depths of the depravity which it houses, awaiting further revelation unto further pleadings for mercy and surrender.

Pleading with Him to grant repentance: Trusting that He will, even to have already gifted insight so to (whatsoever weakly) long for a return to Him unto deliverance from grievous sin--which is to plead for repentance. Increasingly this entails pleading to more wholly long for repentance.

He reminds me, though, unto these things. Because I forget. Often.

One of my deepest idolatries has been of the opinions of others. Wanting approval. Wanting acceptance. Wanting accolade (i.e., worship). And it's occurred to me that He has been systematically (and largely without my awareness, whatsoever) confronting and routing this. I would love for it to be completely snuffed out--to be wholly liberated from fear of/worship of others. But all in His time, however He deems best.

Just, right now, part of that process is entailing division of sorts. Primarily from family. And it has been grievous. And difficult to maintain. And I'm still struggling not to revert to grasping or, alternately, blind submission--like as before submitting to Christ's leading. But...

...I do trust Him. And although I don't precisely understand why things are as they are right now. And I certainly have no idea how they'll proceed henceforth--no idea what's next. But I trust Him. And surrender the all into His hands. Because it's utterly beyond me. All of it.

So, I'll just trust Him. And won't be moved, apart from His guidance. Attempted manipulations, otherwise, will all be brought to and left at the foot of the cross. There is no good in seeking me, as though I offered shelter. Christ, Himself, is the only hope. So I will not be party to pretending otherwise. Submitting to Him as God and Lord of all life's details is the only hope for real, lasting peace, even. So I'm heart-sick of being turned to in order to allay convictions by rekindling a false solace per a strange sort of solidarity which absolutely denies and derides truth while exalting physical presence, alone. Such love is very painful. And I'll continue pleading Christ will intervene with them, all while I submit to Him rather than them--if it didn't have to be either Him or them, as at this juncture...so many things would be different. But I will trust Him.

Yet another aspect of the idolatry of others which is currently being addressed is apparently that I still have a humongous tendency to adopt and adapt to the religious (and/or irreligious, as where goes belief that those presenting such are Christ's own) habits of others around me, as part of attempts to "justify myself" publicly per external conformation. There's kind of been a learning curve along this front, too, as goes learning how to walk with the Lord, myself--I falter into seeking to do so, sometimes, by "trying out" what best "works as means of pursuing the Lord" for others...trial and error, attempting what's presented in the lives of others, per their speech and action. Instead of trusting Jesus to lead me, Himself, so long as I just follow Him in my own devotions. So, there's been the matter of learning and relearning that being His is walking with Him, personally, and having to be led of Him, personally. Again and again, I've had to learn this--sometimes He does lead through things brought by others, but I cross over into sin when I start to depend upon the walk other people have with Him and the ways they walk with Him at the expense and to the exclusion of actually turning to Him and heeding Him, independently. It's a fine line which only He can delineate. But...that's the nature of walking with Him.

Put another way, attempting to do things the way others do them and according to what's generally been advised...has not gone well, again. And there's a lot more factored in than just these bits, but the whole has amounted to a vast faltering again. Even to a point of finding myself desiring the world, again, and desiring the things of the world...and amassing things like clothing, again, and other non-essential, worldly goods. Which aren't, in themselves, bad. But my heart has gotten wrapped up in the exchange--and that is sin. If it were feasible to just oust every bit and have that address the matter of my heart's fickleness?...that would be the "easiest" way to correct and handle my faltering--externally speaking, that is. But I cannot change my own heart. I could get rid of everything, again and again, but unless my heart changes too...it wouldn't help.

So, I'm at a loss except to just trust Jesus, while I keep pleading His mercy. I want so much for restoration of the joy of my salvation, a clean heart, a renewed mind. I want so much to set aside all the weirdness again. But He's also letting this be used to allow me to see even more clearly regarding the other pit I tend to fall into--self-congratulatory self-righteousness, in beginning to still gauge myself against other people rather than remaining focused on Him. Even which is still somewhat a pre-emptive defensive move, having heard so many people mocking "super-spiritual" or howsoever else a "type" of Christian which doesn't enjoy the same "liberties" as themselves--being self-congratulatory effectively is a self-exaltation, which would pre-empt those sorts of derisions by having already adopted the stance of being "superior." Which is absurd. We're all equally fallen.

Such realization just further evidences that so much of my faltering has to do with idolizing the opinions and regard of people. Self-idolatry and idolatry of mankind.

So will I trust Christ with all the uncertainty before me and all the pain and with increased knowledge of my desperate situation, desperate for His deliverance and help--a deeper dependence upon Him, realizing more broadly the vastness of my actual ignorance and inability? He asks very gently, even having already prompted remembrance of His trustworthiness and of my love for Him (rekindled per knowing He so deeply loves me).

I do trust Him. And I have surrendered myself into His hands.
I'm scared, admittedly. Everything so far has been impossible, except for His grace.
There's no way of knowing what's to come.

But I know that He knows. And I know that He is my shelter, my shield, my solace, and my sanctuary. In every storm, and even when I haven't the sense to seek shelter--still, He saves me.

So I trust Him. And I will trust Him.

"I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears..."