Trust: Through the Valley

Walking by faith is a trial of faith, in itself: Dependent upon trust in the One in whom faith rests. Do I trust Him enough to take Him at His word that He'll never leave nor forsake me? Do I trust Him and know who and how He is well enough to be able to keep in mind, or at least periodically remember, that all things work to good to those who are called? And do I trust Him to remind me, even as I forget so easily and so frequently, of the "Egypt" from which He delivered me--through impossibility and though death sought to hold sway, time and again? Do I trust Him to bring the things which He's said to remembrance, when I'm too far gone to have strength or wherewithal to even recognize the need to remember Him?

Do I trust His motives? Do I trust His means? Do I trust Him? ...enough to be led, though all others might reject and scoff, or spurn and cast off...or even simply just forget me, along course of my pursuit of Christ? Do I trust Him to convict me of sin and righteousness? And to work out the salvation He'd begun in me unto completion--having bought with His own blood the right to do so at His own pace and according to His own perfect wisdom?

Do I trust Jesus, my Lord and my God, to perfect my faith through trials? Various trials. Even ones which seem unlike trials, for being so very internal--for, as now, being so much concentric the notions of worldliness and devotion?

That is the question, though. Do I trust Him. Do you?

It helps that He reminds me of where He's brought me--out from death, out from worldly hedonism (which was unto despair, personally), out from abject desolation of meaningless. He delivered me out of the pits of hell on earth--self-instituted, as pursuing fulfillment earnestly and doggedly, but according to carnal understanding. I had gone deeper and deeper into despair, into meaninglessness. Empty on all sides and increasingly bereft of the will or ability to do anything. Blessedly incapacitated in God's direction.

He gave me hope by reminding me that there's deliverance and life in Himself which I had no means of attaining apart from Him. He gave me life by drawing me into His own death. Seeing Him as He is, for even a moment at a time, and being granted the gift of repentance per being permitted to see the truth of my own wretchedness and sin. Sin for which He suffered, so to deliver me. What despair, to realize anything of the cost of my waywardness...as unto His suffering and death. My Lord and savior, the Blessed One who is abjectly Beloved...that He would suffer at any cause...  ...inconceivable. And to know my guilt, thereof. To witness it. And the same goes for each of us. Our sins are what held Him there, on that cross--not a power, in themselves, but in order to atone for them He endured. Our guilt is manifestly evidenced in and as and by His suffering--Jesus Christ's suffering evidences our culpability. We are guilty of His death. That He would die to atone for our sins, to be the propitiation...the only possible propitiation..

...all the more do we stand condemned if we reject His mercy, there extended publicly for all to see--and recorded and proclaimed publicly for eternity, for all to be drawn.

He did that, despite my wretchedness. Despite my abject...wretchedness is not a strong enough word...He looked on me with love. And suffered and died that I might come to know His mercies. And overcame death and put sin to death in the flesh, that I might join Him in life eternal and be made free...

And except that He had revealed these things by His Spirit, corroboratively revealed (and finally understood) in His Word, I would not know hope, still.

Since that time, though, He's continued to patiently bear with me. And gradually teach me. About Himself. And about myself. Helping me to come to a greater knowledge of truth, banishing the shadows and transforming my mind and healing and renewing my heart. Bit by bit.

He's let me see how He has even redeemed my faltering so often by cultivating empathy and compassion. I'm still so loveless, so selfish, so fractured. But He has done much work, even for there to be possibility of realizing these things as true--prior, blindness was so vast as to prevent awareness of these states of being as the case...and still my heart is relatively insensate to the depths of the depravity which it houses, awaiting further revelation unto further pleadings for mercy and surrender.

Pleading with Him to grant repentance: Trusting that He will, even to have already gifted insight so to (whatsoever weakly) long for a return to Him unto deliverance from grievous sin--which is to plead for repentance. Increasingly this entails pleading to more wholly long for repentance.

He reminds me, though, unto these things. Because I forget. Often.

One of my deepest idolatries has been of the opinions of others. Wanting approval. Wanting acceptance. Wanting accolade (i.e., worship). And it's occurred to me that He has been systematically (and largely without my awareness, whatsoever) confronting and routing this. I would love for it to be completely snuffed out--to be wholly liberated from fear of/worship of others. But all in His time, however He deems best.

Just, right now, part of that process is entailing division of sorts. Primarily from family. And it has been grievous. And difficult to maintain. And I'm still struggling not to revert to grasping or, alternately, blind submission--like as before submitting to Christ's leading. But...

...I do trust Him. And although I don't precisely understand why things are as they are right now. And I certainly have no idea how they'll proceed henceforth--no idea what's next. But I trust Him. And surrender the all into His hands. Because it's utterly beyond me. All of it.

So, I'll just trust Him. And won't be moved, apart from His guidance. Attempted manipulations, otherwise, will all be brought to and left at the foot of the cross. There is no good in seeking me, as though I offered shelter. Christ, Himself, is the only hope. So I will not be party to pretending otherwise. Submitting to Him as God and Lord of all life's details is the only hope for real, lasting peace, even. So I'm heart-sick of being turned to in order to allay convictions by rekindling a false solace per a strange sort of solidarity which absolutely denies and derides truth while exalting physical presence, alone. Such love is very painful. And I'll continue pleading Christ will intervene with them, all while I submit to Him rather than them--if it didn't have to be either Him or them, as at this juncture...so many things would be different. But I will trust Him.

Yet another aspect of the idolatry of others which is currently being addressed is apparently that I still have a humongous tendency to adopt and adapt to the religious (and/or irreligious, as where goes belief that those presenting such are Christ's own) habits of others around me, as part of attempts to "justify myself" publicly per external conformation. There's kind of been a learning curve along this front, too, as goes learning how to walk with the Lord, myself--I falter into seeking to do so, sometimes, by "trying out" what best "works as means of pursuing the Lord" for others...trial and error, attempting what's presented in the lives of others, per their speech and action. Instead of trusting Jesus to lead me, Himself, so long as I just follow Him in my own devotions. So, there's been the matter of learning and relearning that being His is walking with Him, personally, and having to be led of Him, personally. Again and again, I've had to learn this--sometimes He does lead through things brought by others, but I cross over into sin when I start to depend upon the walk other people have with Him and the ways they walk with Him at the expense and to the exclusion of actually turning to Him and heeding Him, independently. It's a fine line which only He can delineate. But...that's the nature of walking with Him.

Put another way, attempting to do things the way others do them and according to what's generally been advised...has not gone well, again. And there's a lot more factored in than just these bits, but the whole has amounted to a vast faltering again. Even to a point of finding myself desiring the world, again, and desiring the things of the world...and amassing things like clothing, again, and other non-essential, worldly goods. Which aren't, in themselves, bad. But my heart has gotten wrapped up in the exchange--and that is sin. If it were feasible to just oust every bit and have that address the matter of my heart's fickleness?...that would be the "easiest" way to correct and handle my faltering--externally speaking, that is. But I cannot change my own heart. I could get rid of everything, again and again, but unless my heart changes too...it wouldn't help.

So, I'm at a loss except to just trust Jesus, while I keep pleading His mercy. I want so much for restoration of the joy of my salvation, a clean heart, a renewed mind. I want so much to set aside all the weirdness again. But He's also letting this be used to allow me to see even more clearly regarding the other pit I tend to fall into--self-congratulatory self-righteousness, in beginning to still gauge myself against other people rather than remaining focused on Him. Even which is still somewhat a pre-emptive defensive move, having heard so many people mocking "super-spiritual" or howsoever else a "type" of Christian which doesn't enjoy the same "liberties" as themselves--being self-congratulatory effectively is a self-exaltation, which would pre-empt those sorts of derisions by having already adopted the stance of being "superior." Which is absurd. We're all equally fallen.

Such realization just further evidences that so much of my faltering has to do with idolizing the opinions and regard of people. Self-idolatry and idolatry of mankind.

So will I trust Christ with all the uncertainty before me and all the pain and with increased knowledge of my desperate situation, desperate for His deliverance and help--a deeper dependence upon Him, realizing more broadly the vastness of my actual ignorance and inability? He asks very gently, even having already prompted remembrance of His trustworthiness and of my love for Him (rekindled per knowing He so deeply loves me).

I do trust Him. And I have surrendered myself into His hands.
I'm scared, admittedly. Everything so far has been impossible, except for His grace.
There's no way of knowing what's to come.

But I know that He knows. And I know that He is my shelter, my shield, my solace, and my sanctuary. In every storm, and even when I haven't the sense to seek shelter--still, He saves me.

So I trust Him. And I will trust Him.

"I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears..."