Another day to just give up. The past two nights have been an absolute blessing, being able to discuss Scripture and the Lord for hours at a time. To a point of being freed from so many concerns again.
But there's pain that comes, too. Remembering.
And then circumstances shift, as well.
He's faithful, though. And I will pursue and love the Lord with all I am, at the expense of absolutely everything else for howsoever long as He'll keep me and allow me and give me strength and will to do so, which I hope and pray will be for all eternity. He seems to promise as much, so that's enough.
It hurts, being cast aside. Being ignored. Being misunderstood and mocked and derided and undermined and all the rest. But I count Jesus dear, above all. And it's an honor and a privilege to be counted worthy to sympathize with Him, in any regard, as to endure sufferings alike His own though so utterly pale in comparison. So brief and small and next to nothing.
Tiny things.
And yet for Him to count any of us worth revealing Himself to, at that level. As to understand and know and share in His sufferings. Even as He's grieved, still, over so much.
To be called and given privilege of entering after Him, in and through His love. To love in the midst of pain. To rejoice in the midst of grief. To respond with compassion when reviled. Though to small and very brief extents, then still to be allowed to enter in to understanding, as to share.
And there's so much more to it than that, even. But to love is to want to endure alongside. To love is to want to bear the burdens in whatever way possible and permitted. Yet to be permitted and invited in to so sharing and enduring is a privilege.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Monday, January 23, 2017
Psalm 126
Psalm 126(KJV)
When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.
2 Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them.
3 The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.
4 Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south.
5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
6 He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Prevailing Grace
Just trusting the Lord. The temptation to fear backlash over recent "progress" has been increasingly prevalent over course of the day. Weird stuff is apparently already happening at work, right now, in fact. Of people's perspective, as it were.
I used to fight it, outright, when things shifted and people changed. Tried to reason, to assert truth for the sake of it being true. Again and again, the equivalent of throwing punches against the air. Our weapons are not carnal nor of the flesh but are spiritual and are powerful for the tearing down of strongholds. Mighty through God. Not of flesh and blood. Not by might nor by power. By His Spirit or not at all.
Because it's really not flesh and blood we war against, and that's what's primarily confronted and what is so vexing.
All last week was warfare. Random, passing fevers. Chills, headaches. And submitting to God, refusing to be cowed, each would go away without lingering effects and without hampering efforts. Only by His strength. And the mental attacks, too. Oh, all manner. But every thought, by the grace of God, brought toward remembrance of Christ's omnipotence and good will. Toward His sovereignty and redemption. And my complete powerlessness in context of recognition of His munificent majesty.
Then to other attacks, when the initial proved faulty. Just all day, a merry-go-round of attempted temptations to get me to succumb to fears and doubts and plagues of worry. Demons from time past, even--fears which hadn't been experienced in well over a year suddenly show up again, attempting to hold court and overwhelm my trust in the Lord.
So many things, all day. And last week. And I don't care. Whatever.
And there's been attempt to get me to question perspective on truth, too--that was one of the most nefarious bits of temptation, as it used to constitute a substantial portion of my unwillingness to submit to Christ. Insecurity regarding my own insufficiency to even know truth, attacking as though I am therefore incapable of knowing truth. Completely ignoring Christ's sufficiency to reveal Himself, and His active proclamation as reminder through Scripture. And His leading, actively, daily. As unto trust in Him.
Seeking to live with a clear conscience before Him, even if failing Him continually. But confessing and returning to Him for help and for forgiveness. And being willing to make whatsoever amends He would direct, but as He would direct rather than bumbling to further error of my own efforts attempted apart from His guidance.
But I defer to Him. So what truth I know is known per His guidance and revelation. Always or continually being sought for further clarification and for correction. By whatsoever means He deems appropriate and well. Trusting even the most excruciating of losses and pains are wholly by His ordained allowance or allotment. Not unto devastation except as it draws to Himself. Unto the greater healing and prosperity, which is knowing Him, loving Him.
So, yeah. I defer to Him. I don't have to depend upon my own insights and contemplations. That's enough. Just...noting that there is weirdness on some fronts has allowed for that temptation to fear attack. But...I keep remembering, too, the gates of hell can't stand against those who are His.
And as I'd heard it somewhat expounded, gates thus described aren't intended to keep people in but to keep people out. Taking the kingdom by violence, then. Of a sort. As Christ directs. Even if not needing leave the house to do so. Or even not needing to be concerned except with what's immediately in front of me, moment to moment.
I don't know how He's going to maneuver things. No idea. I'm on a need to know basis, and that's above my pay grade.
Last I'd been openly threatened regarding spiritual assault manifest in the physical, at length, the whole threat was something along lines of that no matter what God does, they see and will attack. Ceaselessly. To destroy. And to counter every move.
Thing is, though, as the Lord has pointed out...He knows our thoughts before we do, and has for eternity past. Same of all His creatures. And in the act of an attack, all He need do is shift His own Beloveds ever so slightly to the left or right--even unawares the motion, ourselves--just that the attack misses at even the barest fraction of a second, but misses entirely. Even if only perhaps to feel the breeze of a bullet whizzing past, then still that He would shift us as according to His will. He will protect and preserve, unto His will.
And when He allows pain, suffering, torment, death...even as like with our departed brother, Jim Elliot...then it's with a larger good in store. Though the pain may be impossible to bear, then it's to turn to total reliance upon Christ for every breath--even as He's been the One to give each one, from the beginning.
All these attacks, though, always attempt to turn thought to self and to circumstances and even to others beloved, yet all in such a way as to make self or other obscure realization of God's active and intentional intervention in every moment of my life and the lives of us each. No heart beats except by His will.
Perhaps tomorrow will be sedate. Perhaps the week will be, externally, and the battle will primarily rage within. Or perhaps it'll be another of those weeks where there are external and internal battles, ongoing. Regardless, the Lord's strength is my sufficiency. And His grace prevails.
I used to fight it, outright, when things shifted and people changed. Tried to reason, to assert truth for the sake of it being true. Again and again, the equivalent of throwing punches against the air. Our weapons are not carnal nor of the flesh but are spiritual and are powerful for the tearing down of strongholds. Mighty through God. Not of flesh and blood. Not by might nor by power. By His Spirit or not at all.
Because it's really not flesh and blood we war against, and that's what's primarily confronted and what is so vexing.
All last week was warfare. Random, passing fevers. Chills, headaches. And submitting to God, refusing to be cowed, each would go away without lingering effects and without hampering efforts. Only by His strength. And the mental attacks, too. Oh, all manner. But every thought, by the grace of God, brought toward remembrance of Christ's omnipotence and good will. Toward His sovereignty and redemption. And my complete powerlessness in context of recognition of His munificent majesty.
Then to other attacks, when the initial proved faulty. Just all day, a merry-go-round of attempted temptations to get me to succumb to fears and doubts and plagues of worry. Demons from time past, even--fears which hadn't been experienced in well over a year suddenly show up again, attempting to hold court and overwhelm my trust in the Lord.
So many things, all day. And last week. And I don't care. Whatever.
And there's been attempt to get me to question perspective on truth, too--that was one of the most nefarious bits of temptation, as it used to constitute a substantial portion of my unwillingness to submit to Christ. Insecurity regarding my own insufficiency to even know truth, attacking as though I am therefore incapable of knowing truth. Completely ignoring Christ's sufficiency to reveal Himself, and His active proclamation as reminder through Scripture. And His leading, actively, daily. As unto trust in Him.
Seeking to live with a clear conscience before Him, even if failing Him continually. But confessing and returning to Him for help and for forgiveness. And being willing to make whatsoever amends He would direct, but as He would direct rather than bumbling to further error of my own efforts attempted apart from His guidance.
But I defer to Him. So what truth I know is known per His guidance and revelation. Always or continually being sought for further clarification and for correction. By whatsoever means He deems appropriate and well. Trusting even the most excruciating of losses and pains are wholly by His ordained allowance or allotment. Not unto devastation except as it draws to Himself. Unto the greater healing and prosperity, which is knowing Him, loving Him.
So, yeah. I defer to Him. I don't have to depend upon my own insights and contemplations. That's enough. Just...noting that there is weirdness on some fronts has allowed for that temptation to fear attack. But...I keep remembering, too, the gates of hell can't stand against those who are His.
And as I'd heard it somewhat expounded, gates thus described aren't intended to keep people in but to keep people out. Taking the kingdom by violence, then. Of a sort. As Christ directs. Even if not needing leave the house to do so. Or even not needing to be concerned except with what's immediately in front of me, moment to moment.
I don't know how He's going to maneuver things. No idea. I'm on a need to know basis, and that's above my pay grade.
Last I'd been openly threatened regarding spiritual assault manifest in the physical, at length, the whole threat was something along lines of that no matter what God does, they see and will attack. Ceaselessly. To destroy. And to counter every move.
Thing is, though, as the Lord has pointed out...He knows our thoughts before we do, and has for eternity past. Same of all His creatures. And in the act of an attack, all He need do is shift His own Beloveds ever so slightly to the left or right--even unawares the motion, ourselves--just that the attack misses at even the barest fraction of a second, but misses entirely. Even if only perhaps to feel the breeze of a bullet whizzing past, then still that He would shift us as according to His will. He will protect and preserve, unto His will.
And when He allows pain, suffering, torment, death...even as like with our departed brother, Jim Elliot...then it's with a larger good in store. Though the pain may be impossible to bear, then it's to turn to total reliance upon Christ for every breath--even as He's been the One to give each one, from the beginning.
All these attacks, though, always attempt to turn thought to self and to circumstances and even to others beloved, yet all in such a way as to make self or other obscure realization of God's active and intentional intervention in every moment of my life and the lives of us each. No heart beats except by His will.
Perhaps tomorrow will be sedate. Perhaps the week will be, externally, and the battle will primarily rage within. Or perhaps it'll be another of those weeks where there are external and internal battles, ongoing. Regardless, the Lord's strength is my sufficiency. And His grace prevails.
Song: My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness+
Truly. And the more gifts He gives, the more rejoicing in Him. In the Giver. Even while rejoicing to know the gift.
Though always to be directed to Jesus is the greatest gift. And every thing--whether painful or joyous--would and can and does direct to thoughts and dependence upon Jesus all the more, as He continues to draw.
This whole "patience"-thing, though. I asked Him for patience and for wisdom, when I was a child. He's been answering. And...I'm still so lacking in each. Though particularly as regards interactions and finances. Total fail on those fronts. Well, not total fail. But just above total. Like a functioning alcoholic's type of non-fail (which used to be the case, too, until the Lord delivered--except it were personally relevant, I wouldn't use the example).
But anyway. He'll help. In His time. As by His will.
Back to rejoicing.
I love that those things which He gives which are truly joyful are unto gratitude, now, as knowing He's the giver. So, it's not a matter of receiving and then being transfixed by the gift, though exceeding every expectation, beyond every hope conceivable. Still, rejoicing to receive, rejoicing in the Lord.
Unto whatever end.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Educated Trust
This is another strange time, right now. In the midst of a lot of warfare on numerous fronts and within. Even to a falter of sorts, except that it's unto trusting Him rather than efforts.
Yet longing for His nearness.
Piecing through Scripture, bit by bit, but so fractured. And on all sides, such devastation.
One had their Bible stolen, plus the demons have come back--probably connected. Another, though, they haven't left. A third is in process of attempting to be taken out of reach, even as still rejecting the truth of God's love and sacrifice to restore relationship...refusing to repent, preferring brokenness and misery to subjugation of self to truth.
And there are so many others, too. Yet still praying and hoping and waiting expectantly for opportunities to speak Truth.
Even in the midst of being so broken and spastic and wretched.
Plus, things on the whole are very odd in terms of what's being...permitted?...allotted? The confusion over which is the case is what's most difficult to bear. But either way, I have only to trust that He's going to keep me regardless.
He's allowed me to see so many times over that I'm totally incapable of keeping myself, as it goes.
Except that He actively restrains, I'm bent on going headlong into every avenue to research of Him...to such extent that it tends toward error very quickly. Become so ardently focused as to become blind to anything remotely resembling "perspective" on the truth of His holiness and infinite being.
Too exclusively focused. On details.
And yet there is a better way. To love, as Paul professed.
Not to be caught on the details. But to trust God, seeking after Him ardently, letting the Word wash and transform, being led, and to love Him and others.
I'm still not very sure I know what it is, to love. I'm more accustomed to self-preservation, self-indulgence, and reckless giving. Last year was turned toward love, though. Yet somehow, I've been caught up in works again. And in pursuing knowledge apart from being entirely subject to love of God.
Or, really, things are so odd right now, that might not even be so. Maybe things are better aligned toward God's will than I have any clue--He is sovereign, after all. And my comprehension of circumstances or even my own situation has no bearing, whatsoever, on how His will is ordered.
I just want to be conformed to His will, transformed by His Word, and made new entirely. To walk like Him, talk like Him. Love like Him.
And am incapable in my own strength.
But I can trust Him. That despite my obliviousness to what's going on, He will still have His way through me. Subjecting me to His direction, gladly.
I would like Him to direct my thoughts, my speech, my actions. But can't force the matter.
There is absolutely nothing except to trust Him even blindly. But not blindly, because I know He is good and faithful and holy and active.
Yet longing for His nearness.
Piecing through Scripture, bit by bit, but so fractured. And on all sides, such devastation.
One had their Bible stolen, plus the demons have come back--probably connected. Another, though, they haven't left. A third is in process of attempting to be taken out of reach, even as still rejecting the truth of God's love and sacrifice to restore relationship...refusing to repent, preferring brokenness and misery to subjugation of self to truth.
And there are so many others, too. Yet still praying and hoping and waiting expectantly for opportunities to speak Truth.
Even in the midst of being so broken and spastic and wretched.
Plus, things on the whole are very odd in terms of what's being...permitted?...allotted? The confusion over which is the case is what's most difficult to bear. But either way, I have only to trust that He's going to keep me regardless.
He's allowed me to see so many times over that I'm totally incapable of keeping myself, as it goes.
Except that He actively restrains, I'm bent on going headlong into every avenue to research of Him...to such extent that it tends toward error very quickly. Become so ardently focused as to become blind to anything remotely resembling "perspective" on the truth of His holiness and infinite being.
Too exclusively focused. On details.
And yet there is a better way. To love, as Paul professed.
Not to be caught on the details. But to trust God, seeking after Him ardently, letting the Word wash and transform, being led, and to love Him and others.
I'm still not very sure I know what it is, to love. I'm more accustomed to self-preservation, self-indulgence, and reckless giving. Last year was turned toward love, though. Yet somehow, I've been caught up in works again. And in pursuing knowledge apart from being entirely subject to love of God.
Or, really, things are so odd right now, that might not even be so. Maybe things are better aligned toward God's will than I have any clue--He is sovereign, after all. And my comprehension of circumstances or even my own situation has no bearing, whatsoever, on how His will is ordered.
I just want to be conformed to His will, transformed by His Word, and made new entirely. To walk like Him, talk like Him. Love like Him.
And am incapable in my own strength.
But I can trust Him. That despite my obliviousness to what's going on, He will still have His way through me. Subjecting me to His direction, gladly.
I would like Him to direct my thoughts, my speech, my actions. But can't force the matter.
There is absolutely nothing except to trust Him even blindly. But not blindly, because I know He is good and faithful and holy and active.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
He Knows Isolation
Even in the midst of companions Christ was somewhat derided. Scoffed at. Mocked. Misunderstood and thus undermined. Periodic.
What must it have been for Him, to say that his mother, sisters, brothers were those who obeyed the will of God, refusing to exit the assembly? Was it then that they had come to collect him, thinking him insane? Or some other time?
And at the point when they did go to collect him because they believed he'd lost his mind...if it wasn't that moment, then how did that end? How did it go? And even with his closest disciples convinced he was completely talking nonsense, when trying to tell them of his impending crucifixion...
...how must that have been?
To speak the truth, expressing the direst of directives--willingly to be entered, yet at such cost. And enough to be grieved unto blood.
To talk of it, openly, and be completely...ignored, rebuked, mocked, and ultimately fearfully avoided.
To be turned away from. Again and again. And again.
Yet never by the Father.
Who even allotted that two saints would convene to yield discussion of that direst and dearest of all historical events, prior to embarking--miraculously convening, the blending of worlds for moments' time. Encouragement, solidarity.
But to be so alone. In the midst of so many--continually thronging around in pursuit of him, yet incapable of wholly receiving the truth until he made way.
Why wouldn't he rejoice to find faith that knew him capable of speaking his will into being from afar? Why wouldn't he grieve that those nearest and closest to him ever doubted?
Yet unwavering trust in the Father. Unwavering devotion.
It pleased him to do the will of the Father. That he did nothing of his own accord. Nothing except the Father's bidding, as directed. It even pleased the Father that our Lord would exhibit mastery of obedience through suffering. He was proven perfect in some incomprehensible way, thus.
Are we better than him?
Yet it's his strength we walk in or we crumble and are crushed entirely, incapable of rejoicing in the midst of endless trials.
Naught but to surrender wholly to his mercies, incapable of aught else.
...
Very much longing for a cave, at present. Though it would be as fearful, just in different ways. More familiar ways, at least. The Lord is not allowing it.
Rather, the opposite.
Instead of focusing on failures and feeling like a failure, I will let the Lord and keep asking the Lord to help me remember what and who he has said I am. And will remember, along those lines, that his will is done regardless and surmounting whatsoever else. Ultimately.
He will and does work all things for good to those who love him.
Even what's most painful and heart-wrenching.
What must it have been for Him, to say that his mother, sisters, brothers were those who obeyed the will of God, refusing to exit the assembly? Was it then that they had come to collect him, thinking him insane? Or some other time?
And at the point when they did go to collect him because they believed he'd lost his mind...if it wasn't that moment, then how did that end? How did it go? And even with his closest disciples convinced he was completely talking nonsense, when trying to tell them of his impending crucifixion...
...how must that have been?
To speak the truth, expressing the direst of directives--willingly to be entered, yet at such cost. And enough to be grieved unto blood.
To talk of it, openly, and be completely...ignored, rebuked, mocked, and ultimately fearfully avoided.
To be turned away from. Again and again. And again.
Yet never by the Father.
Who even allotted that two saints would convene to yield discussion of that direst and dearest of all historical events, prior to embarking--miraculously convening, the blending of worlds for moments' time. Encouragement, solidarity.
But to be so alone. In the midst of so many--continually thronging around in pursuit of him, yet incapable of wholly receiving the truth until he made way.
Why wouldn't he rejoice to find faith that knew him capable of speaking his will into being from afar? Why wouldn't he grieve that those nearest and closest to him ever doubted?
Yet unwavering trust in the Father. Unwavering devotion.
It pleased him to do the will of the Father. That he did nothing of his own accord. Nothing except the Father's bidding, as directed. It even pleased the Father that our Lord would exhibit mastery of obedience through suffering. He was proven perfect in some incomprehensible way, thus.
Are we better than him?
Yet it's his strength we walk in or we crumble and are crushed entirely, incapable of rejoicing in the midst of endless trials.
Naught but to surrender wholly to his mercies, incapable of aught else.
...
Very much longing for a cave, at present. Though it would be as fearful, just in different ways. More familiar ways, at least. The Lord is not allowing it.
Rather, the opposite.
Instead of focusing on failures and feeling like a failure, I will let the Lord and keep asking the Lord to help me remember what and who he has said I am. And will remember, along those lines, that his will is done regardless and surmounting whatsoever else. Ultimately.
He will and does work all things for good to those who love him.
Even what's most painful and heart-wrenching.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
We Shall Overcome
Two things.
Counting the cost, as a constant.
And...oh, goodness, what was the other?
Yeah, the testimony-thing.
Of the latter, there have been a couple of instances where migraines have disappeared in the midst of speaking with others about the Lord (very passionately, entirely caught up in what was being shared). Day-long, then just gone. And no jitters. Just calm.
Peace. And anxiety set at bay. Thoughts calmed substantially.
To speak of Jesus and of truth is to be freed from whatever is ailing, frequently. And lacking on that front--having gone long without sharing of him with someone, many ones...also has been bad. Spoke of him thrice on Friday, witnessing and just sharing the truth of his Word. Testifying to the truth.
And twice more today.
And still feeling as though there's a lack on that front.
Which...I will keep praying about. Rushing in doesn't bode well for sanity, either. Same as not going at all.
No one would go with me, from the previous church. I was invited, once, to go out with others to share the gospel. But it was retracted before the appointed time for meeting--made contingent upon enlisting another female to go with. Which...none would. Ever.
Need go, though. The blog/s and now, also, Facebook...will be a thing, of sorts--a venue, of sorts. But it's not quite the same as being face to face with someone. Which...my job is very odd, in that regard.
I had forgotten again, though, how much my wellness has seemed to depend upon speaking of Him with others. It makes no sense, but it's as though I've stopped eating or breathing deeply, if there's no ongoing sharing on the gospel and witness of Christ. Same as of ceasing to read the Word.
He could totally use other things to similarly sustain me. He has. I think. Maybe. Well, anyway, He could. But I'd much rather share the gospel and speak of Jesus and give testimony than watercolor or bake. If I could do all the above (which, the mod podge art on Friday was sharing the gospel while doing the art...so it was much more fulfilling--same as will be the case, Thursday, Lord willing).
So that is and will apparently be a thing, regardless. And He has to lead, or it's a mess.
And, of the first thing:
It's all in his hands. Over course of my life, I've asked him for a lot of things.
He knows what's best. And of the course which has seemed so very certain, since beginning to walk with Him, intentionally...
...whatever he wills. Whatever he gives is ultimately good, even being excruciating over process.
Just...I am nothing. I have nothing. Or, worse, really--I am worse than nothing for being wretched enough to act against him, ever. So, whatever he wills. I can't earn his favor, but out of love and devotion it is my prerogative to pursue his will to the best of my any-given ability. Because he is good. And his will is good. And mine isn't.
My will is corrupted by sin. And I would rather forsake it, abandon it, neglect it to the extent possible, in favor of seeking what he would give and lead unto. Just...he does give good gifts, too. And he keeps reminding that he places the lonely in families.
I'm not worthy his regard nor anyone else's. And am not very capable of interacting well or reasonably, still. Much to bear with, even to have a "normal" conversation...and then the emotional maelstrom, resulting, to weather...as fears, forgotten pains, and deep wounds are brought to fore.
I have entrusted myself to his care, though. He wounds to heal. He exposes the deeper wounds, moreover, to tend and bind them properly. So they will and can heal. Even per the warmth of his love.
Part of pursuing him has been continually counting the cost, though. Even of good gifts, like a strangely ordered job where sharing of the Lord is by a technical aspect, kind of part of my work responsibility. Very strangely. I'm supposed to share with others how I've recovered from and am coping with my diagnosed severe mental illness--the kind that had me in and out of hospitals regularly...the kind which entailed numerous suicide attempts...and a lifestyle which constantly courted death.
Jesus is my recovery. Staying near to him. For the past month, there's been one who's asked me about medicines I'm on: Church, Scripture, praise, fellowship, witnessing, evangelizing, testifying of truth. Constantly thinking of him.
And that's literal, not being glib. Bit by bit, I fall to pieces when those things cease being regular.
So, part of the cost is forsaking amusements which distract me from him. Being in the company of those who also love him and lift him high in thoughts, constantly, somehow makes it acceptable and non-destructive to engage in what otherwise has been very detrimental to my stability. I don't have to understand. I just need to follow.
So part of the cost has been also gradually forsaking my compulsion to know the reason for every single thing. Sometimes the answer is "because," and that has to be enough. And I have to accept it gladly and well, rejoicing still.
Even when what's being accepted is suffering.
Becoming more dependent on him has been good, though. Continually.
But pursuit of him has meant needing to be constantly willing to release all things into his care, beyond my reach. Holding only very loosely to anything, in order to hold most tightly to him. Because my grasp tends to tighten too quickly and to the exclusion of him, otherwise. Which...is very bad, for all the above reasons regarding wellness and stability.
Counting the cost, as a constant.
And...oh, goodness, what was the other?
Yeah, the testimony-thing.
Of the latter, there have been a couple of instances where migraines have disappeared in the midst of speaking with others about the Lord (very passionately, entirely caught up in what was being shared). Day-long, then just gone. And no jitters. Just calm.
Peace. And anxiety set at bay. Thoughts calmed substantially.
To speak of Jesus and of truth is to be freed from whatever is ailing, frequently. And lacking on that front--having gone long without sharing of him with someone, many ones...also has been bad. Spoke of him thrice on Friday, witnessing and just sharing the truth of his Word. Testifying to the truth.
And twice more today.
And still feeling as though there's a lack on that front.
Which...I will keep praying about. Rushing in doesn't bode well for sanity, either. Same as not going at all.
No one would go with me, from the previous church. I was invited, once, to go out with others to share the gospel. But it was retracted before the appointed time for meeting--made contingent upon enlisting another female to go with. Which...none would. Ever.
Need go, though. The blog/s and now, also, Facebook...will be a thing, of sorts--a venue, of sorts. But it's not quite the same as being face to face with someone. Which...my job is very odd, in that regard.
I had forgotten again, though, how much my wellness has seemed to depend upon speaking of Him with others. It makes no sense, but it's as though I've stopped eating or breathing deeply, if there's no ongoing sharing on the gospel and witness of Christ. Same as of ceasing to read the Word.
He could totally use other things to similarly sustain me. He has. I think. Maybe. Well, anyway, He could. But I'd much rather share the gospel and speak of Jesus and give testimony than watercolor or bake. If I could do all the above (which, the mod podge art on Friday was sharing the gospel while doing the art...so it was much more fulfilling--same as will be the case, Thursday, Lord willing).
So that is and will apparently be a thing, regardless. And He has to lead, or it's a mess.
And, of the first thing:
It's all in his hands. Over course of my life, I've asked him for a lot of things.
He knows what's best. And of the course which has seemed so very certain, since beginning to walk with Him, intentionally...
...whatever he wills. Whatever he gives is ultimately good, even being excruciating over process.
Just...I am nothing. I have nothing. Or, worse, really--I am worse than nothing for being wretched enough to act against him, ever. So, whatever he wills. I can't earn his favor, but out of love and devotion it is my prerogative to pursue his will to the best of my any-given ability. Because he is good. And his will is good. And mine isn't.
My will is corrupted by sin. And I would rather forsake it, abandon it, neglect it to the extent possible, in favor of seeking what he would give and lead unto. Just...he does give good gifts, too. And he keeps reminding that he places the lonely in families.
I'm not worthy his regard nor anyone else's. And am not very capable of interacting well or reasonably, still. Much to bear with, even to have a "normal" conversation...and then the emotional maelstrom, resulting, to weather...as fears, forgotten pains, and deep wounds are brought to fore.
I have entrusted myself to his care, though. He wounds to heal. He exposes the deeper wounds, moreover, to tend and bind them properly. So they will and can heal. Even per the warmth of his love.
Part of pursuing him has been continually counting the cost, though. Even of good gifts, like a strangely ordered job where sharing of the Lord is by a technical aspect, kind of part of my work responsibility. Very strangely. I'm supposed to share with others how I've recovered from and am coping with my diagnosed severe mental illness--the kind that had me in and out of hospitals regularly...the kind which entailed numerous suicide attempts...and a lifestyle which constantly courted death.
Jesus is my recovery. Staying near to him. For the past month, there's been one who's asked me about medicines I'm on: Church, Scripture, praise, fellowship, witnessing, evangelizing, testifying of truth. Constantly thinking of him.
And that's literal, not being glib. Bit by bit, I fall to pieces when those things cease being regular.
So, part of the cost is forsaking amusements which distract me from him. Being in the company of those who also love him and lift him high in thoughts, constantly, somehow makes it acceptable and non-destructive to engage in what otherwise has been very detrimental to my stability. I don't have to understand. I just need to follow.
So part of the cost has been also gradually forsaking my compulsion to know the reason for every single thing. Sometimes the answer is "because," and that has to be enough. And I have to accept it gladly and well, rejoicing still.
Even when what's being accepted is suffering.
Becoming more dependent on him has been good, though. Continually.
But pursuit of him has meant needing to be constantly willing to release all things into his care, beyond my reach. Holding only very loosely to anything, in order to hold most tightly to him. Because my grasp tends to tighten too quickly and to the exclusion of him, otherwise. Which...is very bad, for all the above reasons regarding wellness and stability.
I'll follow wherever he leads, though. There are things which I would very much like, as a person. But I would have what he would give, whether what I want or not. He knows what's best. And in the meantimes, holding others in particular esteem is all the more opportunity to turn to prayer, seeking the Lord would intervene on their behalf.
If he does intend for me to be devastated, it'll be for my good. As he's ever done, he'll take the shattered fragments of my broken heart, pick out the shards which are poisoned, and piece me back together to a form more like his own. Holding nearer himself, all the while.
That's enough. That...is a blessing.
He will keep me.
If he does intend for me to be devastated, it'll be for my good. As he's ever done, he'll take the shattered fragments of my broken heart, pick out the shards which are poisoned, and piece me back together to a form more like his own. Holding nearer himself, all the while.
That's enough. That...is a blessing.
He will keep me.
Crosswalk Devotional: Jan 17 - For Such a Time
For Such a Time as This
By Debbie McDaniel, Crosswalk.com Writer
By Debbie McDaniel, Crosswalk.com Writer
“And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14
God is the only One, who has the power to turn trials into blessings. Don’t ever doubt that He is Able. Nothing is impossible with Him.
He’s always at work even when we can’t see the whole story, even when things look uncertain.
And that sets the stage for great things to happen, “…for such a time as this.” Esther 4:14
Queen Esther had a choice. When Mordecai sent word to her about the great danger their people were facing, she could have simply tried to save herself. She could have kept quiet. Just hoped for the best, or turned the other way. But she and Mordecai both knew that God had given her great purpose in her position. She was wise, she made a plan, she didn’t stay stuck in fear or worry, she prayed and fasted, and asked for their people to do the same. She was willing to act, to follow God’s lead, to save the lives of her people, even if it meant she might lose hers. (Read the whole story in the book of Esther)
Though our current situations may look different than what Esther faced, we might still be struggling with great fear or uncertainty. The future may look dark. A hard diagnosis or recent loss may have sent us spiraling. Yet often God places us in positions of influence, or in strategic locations, with great purpose in mind. Many times, the places where we find ourselves is not really “all about us.” It’s about Him. It’s about His bigger plan.
May God help us to follow His lead, believing that His timing is perfect, remembering that He’s always faithful.
If you find yourself facing times of trouble or testing right now, be assured that God is at work in your situation. He’s working within you, and on your behalf in all the events that surround you, no matter how difficult. In whatever we face, God is still on the throne. He is powerful, nothing is too difficult for Him.
Keep your eyes fixed on the Lord, He will not fail you, or leave you to struggle through on your own. Not ever.
And He is faithful to turn our pain into greater purpose, in our own lives, and for those around us.
Intersecting Faith & Life: If you’re facing uncertainty over the future, or have a big problem that’s troubling you today, give it to God. Again. Be willing to pray, fast, wait for His direction, then act on the wisdom He provides. Know that He is for you, and will never fail. Believe that He is at work, and setting the stage for great things to happen.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Song: You Loved My Heart to Death, Though You Slay Me
"It's taken me some time to believe
There'll never come a day
That You'll ever leave
That when I drive the nails through Your hands
You do not recant
You never take it back
Oh I drank the cup of death
It's running through my veins
I chose my pride instead
Of the glory of Your name
All the wrath of God that I
Deserve with every breath
Fell upon Him
And He loved my heart to death"
If He were any other than He is, there is no way life would be possible and hope feasible. I keep forgetting, still, all the things He has done. He defies every expectation.
Since coming to know and walk with Him, nothing has been at all like life before. I need to remember Him, always. Not remember the past. Remember Jesus.
He will help. Because He's just that amazing. And wonderful. And loving. And kind. And patient. ...and longsuffering, even. And I love Him, above all. And He won't leave me. He won't forsake me. I am His. And no matter what happens to me in this life, that is everything which matters. He is. And whatsoever He wills.
Whatever.
Need more witnessing. argh Lord?
Whatever comes and whatever goes, I will have Christ. And will draw nearer to Him. And that's everything and more than I could have ever dreamed.
So, however He leads. I lay down my hopes and dreams at His feet, as He would have them be. And I will go and do as He leads. Because I love Him. Because I live for Him, alone. I have nothing else, even as He has given gifts. Such gifts.
But still, they're His to give and take as He would will.
But His love...His love is never withdrawn.
Lord, help me remember. Help me see truth.
Help me and help those whom I love, whom You love.
And all those who are Yours. Help us, Lord.
For the sake of Your love. For the sake of Your mercy toward us.
For the sake of Your name. Jesus, be glorified in us. Please.
So, however He leads. I lay down my hopes and dreams at His feet, as He would have them be. And I will go and do as He leads. Because I love Him. Because I live for Him, alone. I have nothing else, even as He has given gifts. Such gifts.
But still, they're His to give and take as He would will.
But His love...His love is never withdrawn.
Lord, help me remember. Help me see truth.
Help me and help those whom I love, whom You love.
And all those who are Yours. Help us, Lord.
For the sake of Your love. For the sake of Your mercy toward us.
For the sake of Your name. Jesus, be glorified in us. Please.
Crosswalk Devotional: Jan 10 - God Knows Our Way and His Plans Are Good
God Knows Our Way and His Plans Are Good: There’s Hope Ahead
By Debbie McDaniel, Crosswalk.com Writer
By Debbie McDaniel, Crosswalk.com Writer
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Sometimes, we may not believe this is true. Troubles swirl around us, pressures feel too great, life seems hard. We might even feel like God has forgotten us and left us facing the struggles all alone.
Yet in the background of this great verse, we're reminded that God spoke these words to His people, not when times were easy, but when times were very hard. They would endure 70 years of captivity, they would experience great suffering. And it's right there, in the midst of all that, we can see the hope of God shine through.
He didn't leave his people in the tough trials. He won't leave us there either. He walks us through, reminding us that His plans are for good, for a future, for a hope. He is right with us, and breathes confidence and peace, that we will press through the struggle, and come out to the other side, stronger, faith-filled. He assures us that He will never waste the pain of what we experience in this life, but will bring greater good and blessing because of it.
If you find yourself facing hard times today, or maybe you’ve just walked through a difficult year, this verse is your reminder – there’s hope ahead. Be confident of this, God’s not finished yet. You're still here, you're gaining strength and perseverance through the trials. He has good in store, great purpose in all that we walk through, no matter how hard it may be.
He sees the big picture of our lives, and He's aware of every little detail too. He knows what He's doing, even when we can't see it all yet. He often works behind the scenes that unfold our every day, in the places where we may not always understand His plans. Even through all our seasons of waiting.
So we can trust...that He has our best in mind. He's got our back. He's with us right now. And He's secured our future too.
Resting in that truth today. There's peace in knowing we don't have to try hard to control it all. We can let go of the need to try to figure it all out, or the striving of trying to make things happen.
God knows, He understands, we’re never alone.
Keep pressing through.
He loves you.
He cares.
He is with you.
Peace.
Intersecting Faith & Life: Have the trials you’ve been walking through or the problems you’ve faced caused you to lose some hope? Bring it all before God today. Let go of the need to have it all make sense right now. Look to Him. Ask for His fresh filling and renewal. Be reminded of His truth, that He will use it all for good somehow, and has a great future and hope for you still in store.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Song: We Cry Out
So much going on which is utterly devastating. Incomprehensible pain.
Begging the Lord for help. There's nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing. Even if I had all the material provision in the world, that wouldn't ultimately be the answer. And it wouldn't be enough. The pain and brokenness runs deeper than any material respite could even begin to address. Though the material needs are such that if the Lord would permit, everything in my keeping would go to assist. Yet, insufficient. In excess of my own needs. But still insufficient.It's not my sufficiency and lack which matter, though. In frailty, I want to extend everything permitted toward meeting need of those beloved. The Lord's own cherished treasures. But He is the One who must. Ultimately. Even through many of His own, if He sees fit.
The cattle on every hill belong to Him. He doesn't lack for anything. Everything created is His to do with as He will. He ordains and permits stewardship. And He reallocates.
We have no sufficiency apart from Him. None of us do. Even the strength of mind, of will, of means as to endeavor provision for oneself is as given by God. There's no place for pride thereabouts...except for glorying in the Lord, that He is good and merciful and faithful to provide.
In the midst of abject suffering, though, it's very much fallen nature to look to circumstances, pain, and incapacitation and to despair, to lament, to fear, to falter. But He's faithful even there, even in the midst of our doubt and faithlessness. He doesn't let us remain fallen. He picks us up, helping us to remember that our faith and security isn't in circumstances or well-being but our faith rests on His promises, as a living faith in Him. Knowing He sustains and provides and fulfills even our unspoken needs. He anticipates them, from before our birth. And ordained our needs would be met according to His will, prior to our conception.
He has loved us before we ever took a breath. He designed us and created us each according to His good pleasure, even to be made new in Christ.
He will not forsake His beloved. He may not prevent us suffering. But He will be with us, as we enter and endure.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Disciples: Follow Truth
Discussions of discipleship at church.
Been asking about it for a while. What does it mean to disciple someone? How does that go? What do?
I had it in my head before that there's immediate and blatant and abrasive proclamation of the Gospel--condemnation of sin (yes), justification of God (yes), glorification of Christ (yes), extension of mercy (yes), reconciliation to right relationship and right order with God through Christ (yes). And...expectation that conversion would be immediate, regeneration would be immediate...and sanctification would then be the part of the "process" where discipleship entered into the picture.
Yeah, well.
I keep being reminded of Jesus with his disciples. A motley crew, the lot. But they were those whom the Father gave him to instruct through close acquaintance, during daily walking out faith in righteousness.
We aren't as Him, and there's a definite danger in trying to adapt some sort of methodology rather than depending upon Him for direction...but He has definitely given us His Words and His directions in order to guide and instruct us and lead us. So it seems good to look to the Lord, when attempting to discern what He even means when He says to make disciples.
Because...He has all authority. And it's upon His authority that He tells us to go and make disciples. And to baptize them. And to teach them.
So, what's a disciple? I've asked that a lot.
Simplest form is one being instructed.
I look back at my time with the Lord and realize even before converting me, He was leading and teaching me. I would not have dared to call myself a disciple back then--would not have wanted to, even. But He was drawing me and instructing me in some very difficult things, nonetheless. Of loss, of gain, of pain, of value, of what is worth pursuing. Of falsity and emptiness, even to cherish truth and fulfillment. Of lack and true abundance.
He interfered in my life regularly. And yes--interfered. Not merely intervened, as though in some way only doing so when it was to spare my life or miraculously manifest provisions. But also in ways which were overt and clear reminders of who He is. An ongoing discussion of and revelation of and direction to the Gospel of Jesus: Repent, be cleansed, the Kingdom is at hand.
He troubled me with His presence, even. Manifest blessing, beyond all, in the midst of blatant rebellion...He still continually evidenced His love. Blatantly.
And I would be irked and ultimately disdain His presence, shrugging it off after sometime initial joy at being momentarily at peace, momentarily so many things. But would ultimately experience something of discomfort and unease, wanting to be rid of Him, to shrug Him off as some soiled garment...when, in truth, He is all righteousness and it's my sin and sinful nature which was and is the wretched, horrid travesty against reason. Defilement, even wanting to be quit of His presence.
He changed me, though. Even to relish His presence always and increasingly long for the veil to pass, in full...though moments of indulgence and distraction do still yield to a forsaking of the depth of awareness of Him and His truths...
...but part of learning to love Him was learning how great is my need to be near Him, always, never parted. So that being distracted too long yields to a bleak despair, as of prior to embracing Him. Unconscious attention slips from Christ and from His love and peace, and distractions begin to hold too much sway...and peace becomes less loud, love becomes less encompassing...and anxiety becomes increasingly incapacitating, as do many things likewise.
There's nothing but to cling to Him, then. Even being shown again and again that it's Him who keeps me resting in His love--I'm so easily distracted and constantly distracted (even by thoughts and emotions, requiring no outside interference though that's constantly assailing, too)...unless He actively kept me, I'd be completely lost to Him all the time. But part of His keeping has been to increase dependence upon His peace, such that forsaking Him is increasingly difficult to bear.
I don't want to wander.
But it's been a gradual, very slow, and often repeating series of experiential revelation of the Word, unto understanding. Reading, understanding. Understanding, reading. Depending.
A process. Began prior to my willing submission to Him as Master.
Commander.
Supervisor.
Manager.
Director.
Instructor.
Rabboni.
Lord.
Peter comes to mind. Flashes of revelatory insight. A great deal of fervor. But zeal without knowledge isn't good.
Willingness to follow, though.
Yet how long had some of these men been familiar acquaintances with Jesus? A couple were his cousins, according to flesh. And others, in what ways did God prepare them to follow Jesus?
Just...my ideas of where discipleship begins and how it works have been very limited by conceiving only of my own abilities and understandings. God doesn't have those limitations. If there are disciples of Christ, they are foremost His disciples. Even being discipled under others who are His disciples, also.
None of us knows Him wholly. None of us knows entirely what we don't know of Him, either. We're blind to our blindness, until He gives sight.
Yet He does.
But it's as that with discipling, it seems. Ongoing discussion of truth. Ongoing revelation. Ongoing interest, curiosity increasingly sparked to desire and pursue deeper levels of understanding our God...increasingly according to His will and His ways.
I want to understand things. It's a character flaw and it makes things difficult to receive, often. Not being able to understand makes it so that I hold things forever at arms' length, refusing to embrace and accept His good will. But...He is gracious, on all fronts.
And, these are just a few preliminary thoughts on the matter. Talking and walking with people who are at various points of acknowledging the truth...is so very disconcerting, except that Jesus keep me from attempting to ponder too deeply and instead just trust Him with each and with myself in the midst.
...
Oh yeah. I forgot: We make disciples who are to make disciples. The call is to all. So, we all gotta' go. Whether at home or in the streets.
Wherever He leads. Always, always, always testing all things against Scripture, that we would know the spirit in which a thing is given. Whether of God or not.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Period.
Due diligence. Required. And He helps or we'd have no hope of it, from the outset.
...
*Edit 2:*
And it's worth keeping in mind that most folks who even get to the point of entering a church don't get baptised the first day they're there. Vast majority.
Western society has very much an insta-finished mentality that makes it seem as though anything which isn't immediately producing obvious and good results is somehow going to entirely fail and isn't on track for potential progress. But...no.
Love covers a multitude of sins. And we're not here to debate over words but to win people to the love of Christ, remembering it's by His kindness and love we were led to repentance. Speaking truth in love, then. Trusting the Lord will direct steps and provide speech.
He does. Faithfully.
So I will trust Him. Because I see the work He's done in me, and He's allowed me to realize how utterly hopeless my case would have appeared to anyone except Him for two decades. He didn't give up. Even when things got much worse before getting even marginally better. Unto death, again and again, even.
He can and does do things. Even as some plant what others harvest, then so long as the seed is sown. And He said the fields were ripe for harvest, though.
I don't know how any of that works. And I don't necessarily know that it's my place to do absolutely anything (okay, it's not--it's Christ's). But to follow as He leads, without expecting anything except to trust Him blindly even without ever necessarily witnessing fruit of efforts on this side of eternity?
That might be a thing.
Walking by faith and not by sight, then.
And now, please, no more edits. Sleep. Much drive, many prayerful listenings tomorrow. sleep
Been asking about it for a while. What does it mean to disciple someone? How does that go? What do?
I had it in my head before that there's immediate and blatant and abrasive proclamation of the Gospel--condemnation of sin (yes), justification of God (yes), glorification of Christ (yes), extension of mercy (yes), reconciliation to right relationship and right order with God through Christ (yes). And...expectation that conversion would be immediate, regeneration would be immediate...and sanctification would then be the part of the "process" where discipleship entered into the picture.
Yeah, well.
I keep being reminded of Jesus with his disciples. A motley crew, the lot. But they were those whom the Father gave him to instruct through close acquaintance, during daily walking out faith in righteousness.
We aren't as Him, and there's a definite danger in trying to adapt some sort of methodology rather than depending upon Him for direction...but He has definitely given us His Words and His directions in order to guide and instruct us and lead us. So it seems good to look to the Lord, when attempting to discern what He even means when He says to make disciples.
Because...He has all authority. And it's upon His authority that He tells us to go and make disciples. And to baptize them. And to teach them.
So, what's a disciple? I've asked that a lot.
Simplest form is one being instructed.
I look back at my time with the Lord and realize even before converting me, He was leading and teaching me. I would not have dared to call myself a disciple back then--would not have wanted to, even. But He was drawing me and instructing me in some very difficult things, nonetheless. Of loss, of gain, of pain, of value, of what is worth pursuing. Of falsity and emptiness, even to cherish truth and fulfillment. Of lack and true abundance.
He interfered in my life regularly. And yes--interfered. Not merely intervened, as though in some way only doing so when it was to spare my life or miraculously manifest provisions. But also in ways which were overt and clear reminders of who He is. An ongoing discussion of and revelation of and direction to the Gospel of Jesus: Repent, be cleansed, the Kingdom is at hand.
He troubled me with His presence, even. Manifest blessing, beyond all, in the midst of blatant rebellion...He still continually evidenced His love. Blatantly.
And I would be irked and ultimately disdain His presence, shrugging it off after sometime initial joy at being momentarily at peace, momentarily so many things. But would ultimately experience something of discomfort and unease, wanting to be rid of Him, to shrug Him off as some soiled garment...when, in truth, He is all righteousness and it's my sin and sinful nature which was and is the wretched, horrid travesty against reason. Defilement, even wanting to be quit of His presence.
He changed me, though. Even to relish His presence always and increasingly long for the veil to pass, in full...though moments of indulgence and distraction do still yield to a forsaking of the depth of awareness of Him and His truths...
...but part of learning to love Him was learning how great is my need to be near Him, always, never parted. So that being distracted too long yields to a bleak despair, as of prior to embracing Him. Unconscious attention slips from Christ and from His love and peace, and distractions begin to hold too much sway...and peace becomes less loud, love becomes less encompassing...and anxiety becomes increasingly incapacitating, as do many things likewise.
There's nothing but to cling to Him, then. Even being shown again and again that it's Him who keeps me resting in His love--I'm so easily distracted and constantly distracted (even by thoughts and emotions, requiring no outside interference though that's constantly assailing, too)...unless He actively kept me, I'd be completely lost to Him all the time. But part of His keeping has been to increase dependence upon His peace, such that forsaking Him is increasingly difficult to bear.
I don't want to wander.
But it's been a gradual, very slow, and often repeating series of experiential revelation of the Word, unto understanding. Reading, understanding. Understanding, reading. Depending.
A process. Began prior to my willing submission to Him as Master.
Commander.
Supervisor.
Manager.
Director.
Instructor.
Rabboni.
Lord.
Peter comes to mind. Flashes of revelatory insight. A great deal of fervor. But zeal without knowledge isn't good.
Willingness to follow, though.
Yet how long had some of these men been familiar acquaintances with Jesus? A couple were his cousins, according to flesh. And others, in what ways did God prepare them to follow Jesus?
Just...my ideas of where discipleship begins and how it works have been very limited by conceiving only of my own abilities and understandings. God doesn't have those limitations. If there are disciples of Christ, they are foremost His disciples. Even being discipled under others who are His disciples, also.
None of us knows Him wholly. None of us knows entirely what we don't know of Him, either. We're blind to our blindness, until He gives sight.
Yet He does.
But it's as that with discipling, it seems. Ongoing discussion of truth. Ongoing revelation. Ongoing interest, curiosity increasingly sparked to desire and pursue deeper levels of understanding our God...increasingly according to His will and His ways.
I want to understand things. It's a character flaw and it makes things difficult to receive, often. Not being able to understand makes it so that I hold things forever at arms' length, refusing to embrace and accept His good will. But...He is gracious, on all fronts.
And, these are just a few preliminary thoughts on the matter. Talking and walking with people who are at various points of acknowledging the truth...is so very disconcerting, except that Jesus keep me from attempting to ponder too deeply and instead just trust Him with each and with myself in the midst.
...
Oh yeah. I forgot: We make disciples who are to make disciples. The call is to all. So, we all gotta' go. Whether at home or in the streets.
Wherever He leads. Always, always, always testing all things against Scripture, that we would know the spirit in which a thing is given. Whether of God or not.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Period.
Due diligence. Required. And He helps or we'd have no hope of it, from the outset.
...
*Edit 2:*
And it's worth keeping in mind that most folks who even get to the point of entering a church don't get baptised the first day they're there. Vast majority.
Western society has very much an insta-finished mentality that makes it seem as though anything which isn't immediately producing obvious and good results is somehow going to entirely fail and isn't on track for potential progress. But...no.
Love covers a multitude of sins. And we're not here to debate over words but to win people to the love of Christ, remembering it's by His kindness and love we were led to repentance. Speaking truth in love, then. Trusting the Lord will direct steps and provide speech.
He does. Faithfully.
So I will trust Him. Because I see the work He's done in me, and He's allowed me to realize how utterly hopeless my case would have appeared to anyone except Him for two decades. He didn't give up. Even when things got much worse before getting even marginally better. Unto death, again and again, even.
He can and does do things. Even as some plant what others harvest, then so long as the seed is sown. And He said the fields were ripe for harvest, though.
I don't know how any of that works. And I don't necessarily know that it's my place to do absolutely anything (okay, it's not--it's Christ's). But to follow as He leads, without expecting anything except to trust Him blindly even without ever necessarily witnessing fruit of efforts on this side of eternity?
That might be a thing.
Walking by faith and not by sight, then.
And now, please, no more edits. Sleep. Much drive, many prayerful listenings tomorrow. sleep
My Utmost for His Highest 1/5
|
|
Acts 19:1-7
1And it came to pass, that, while Apollos was at Corinth, Paul having passed through the upper coasts came to Ephesus: and finding certain disciples, 2He said unto them, Have ye received the Holy Ghost since ye believed? And they said unto him, We have not so much as heard whether there be any Holy Ghost. 3And he said unto them, Unto what then were ye baptized? And they said, Unto John's baptism.4Then said Paul, John verily baptized with the baptism of repentance, saying unto the people, that they should believe on him which should come after him, that is, on Christ Jesus. 5When they heard this, they were baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. 6And when Paul had laid his hands upon them, the Holy Ghost came on them; and they spake with tongues, and prophesied. 7And all the men were about twelve.
1 Corinthians 12:12-31
12For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. 13For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.
14For the body is not one member, but many. 15If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? 16And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? 17If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? 18But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. 19And if they were all one member, where were the body? 20But now are they many members, yet but one body. 21And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. 22Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: 23And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. 24For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: 25That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. 26And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.
27Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.
28And God hath set some in the church, first apostles, secondarily prophets, thirdly teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, governments, diversities of tongues. 29Are all apostles? are all prophets? are all teachers? are all workers of miracles? 30Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret? 31But covet earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.
Luke 11:13
...worth spending time praying about and seeking the Lord regarding. Especially given the wealth of blatant distraction, destructive counterfeit, and willful delusion run amok. Unto holiness or self-indulgence?, is one point to ponder. Glorifying man or God? All things are to be done in an orderly way, as it goes. Not haphazardly, chaotically.
And we're all at the mercy of God, ultimately. I'm just going to accept and ask for any help He would allow and afford and provide, so much as it's given to attempt. Still with no idea what's going on, but yah. Stuff.
Helped significantly to be sheltered against despair, though. And against many things which utterly overwhelmed, before. Not as though I don't still fail regularly. But...yeah. The difference is humbling. Same as things got a lot more trying and intense afterward. And I'd thought it was overwhelming, before.
Had no idea.
Still learning. Learning how to let go, moreover.
And continuing to ask. Because there's need of Him. And need of mortification of self, which He alone can truly accomplish in a way which is beneficial and unto sanctification rather than being merely destructive (penance is not helpful).
For all I know, everyone who is His could already have received of Him the baptism. I have no idea. But it definitely came after much prayer, devotion, study, and seeking, months after salvation, for me. And not in a church. Unexpectedly, though after ongoing asking and seeking.
Even with just asking Him whether it was a "thing." Or whether it was all distraction and harmful.
Taking Him at His word constitutes an endless search for meaning and truth, and is entirely overwhelming. Checking, double-checking, triple-checking, cross-referencing, and seeking comprehensive insight...yet trust.
Just seek the Word, that's all. Seek what the Lord has said.
Luke 11:13
...worth spending time praying about and seeking the Lord regarding. Especially given the wealth of blatant distraction, destructive counterfeit, and willful delusion run amok. Unto holiness or self-indulgence?, is one point to ponder. Glorifying man or God? All things are to be done in an orderly way, as it goes. Not haphazardly, chaotically.
And we're all at the mercy of God, ultimately. I'm just going to accept and ask for any help He would allow and afford and provide, so much as it's given to attempt. Still with no idea what's going on, but yah. Stuff.
Helped significantly to be sheltered against despair, though. And against many things which utterly overwhelmed, before. Not as though I don't still fail regularly. But...yeah. The difference is humbling. Same as things got a lot more trying and intense afterward. And I'd thought it was overwhelming, before.
Had no idea.
Still learning. Learning how to let go, moreover.
And continuing to ask. Because there's need of Him. And need of mortification of self, which He alone can truly accomplish in a way which is beneficial and unto sanctification rather than being merely destructive (penance is not helpful).
For all I know, everyone who is His could already have received of Him the baptism. I have no idea. But it definitely came after much prayer, devotion, study, and seeking, months after salvation, for me. And not in a church. Unexpectedly, though after ongoing asking and seeking.
Even with just asking Him whether it was a "thing." Or whether it was all distraction and harmful.
Taking Him at His word constitutes an endless search for meaning and truth, and is entirely overwhelming. Checking, double-checking, triple-checking, cross-referencing, and seeking comprehensive insight...yet trust.
Just seek the Word, that's all. Seek what the Lord has said.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Still Not About Discipleship (Kind of), or, Love Beyond Expectations; and Song: Watch Over Me
So much. Some of which I've only spoken to others for the first time, tonight, despite praying for clarification and...stuff...for over a month. I don't accept anything easily, but especially not if it's in any way good.
If a thing is beneficial in a real way, blatant and ongoing reassurance seems even to take a long while to produce embracing of truth. Like as with the Lord. As with His love. I know He loves me, but...
...apart from having been utterly demolished to witness unabashed the severity and unwavering ardency and utterly consuming reality of His love in an instance which absolutely changed everything...
...the bits which thereafter have been undergoing a walking out of sanctification, gradually, are such that I cannot conceive of being loved and so still struggle to accept He would love without faltering and eventually turning away.
Which is horrible. Grievous. To be loved unerringly, infinitely well--righteously and with no shadow of turning...yet to doubt the consistency and perseverance of such a love?
Grievous.
Yet I'm still that self-centered and small-minded as to view His love, in part, in contorted retrospect, per a lens which would gauge it as though meritable upon something of my own intrinsic nature or worthiness, rather than accorded as attributable to His nature, alone.
He imbues with merit, according to His own good will, for His pleasure to so do--not apart from Him, but in accord with His will and by His design. Our worth is as given, as made in His image...and as loved by Him. Not as apart from Him.
And He does love us, though.
Which is a point of which there's been a bit of going round, the past couple weeks, particular. Regarding unworthiness and lack of merit to be loved, and even extending to argument regarding innate inability to even love as due in response (attempting further to argue unworthiness to receive, as being incapable of responding adequately in kind).
None of these last are valid arguments, though. His love never did depend upon my ability to respond sufficiently well as to somehow "prove myself worthy," per adequate response. And His love never depended upon ability or inclination to be worthy or due it, from the outset.
He loves because it pleases Him to do so. He loves because He is inclined to do so. For the joy set before Him, He endured shame, reviling, mockery, crucifixion, and death. For He so loved...
That takes a lot of the pressure off. And it would be nice if simply seeing marginally clearly for a moment was sufficient to remain at rest in the knowledge of His love and provision and good will toward me. But I'm human and fickle and frail and I falter quickly, so I need Him to remind me clearly and often.
Because it takes all of a couple minutes' (*ahem*--seconds') worth of time left to my own thoughts and devices for doubt and disbelief to occlude vision of the truth of who Jesus is and of what He's done for me--of His love, which is all the reason I need to endure and persevere through anything. For the sake of His love, so long as He would be near me, I would follow Him into any fire. Not without human fears and pains and tremblings, but held steady by His firm grasp and His steady presence. By His love, sustained and succoured.
I sought love wrongly before surrendering to the truth of Christ's sovereignty--always broken and beaten and dejected and rejected and mocked and abandoned. Desperate, and despairing. There is no love apart from truth. And Christ is the truth. Jesus is God and His sacrifice to atone for our sins must be confronted. His love either despised or embraced.
His love is what I'd blindly sought. At times even sustained much by the hope of His love--pure, untainted by worldly turnings, never wavering, all-consuming...
I can't live without Him. And needn't.
Of accepting that He could love so completely and unwaveringly, though, there's the reminder that He acted without my involvement. He pursued me when I was actively seeking to avoid Him--not entirely consciously, but nonetheless. And He didn't cease pursuing when I was blatantly defiant, avoidant, and oblivious.
He hasn't ceased even now, when my heart's obviously still so self-consumed as to doubt Him and His constancy.
There's just the reminder that He has loved and He will love. And my heart is in His hands. To do with as He will.
I do love Him so much as to know Him well enough to trust His keeping.
Which has increased as the trials have increased in severity and bitterness. He's continually shown Himself utterly capable in the midst of absolute impossibility.
To such extent that being in between the Rock and a hard place seems the absolute best, now--there's no room to fritter away time with anxious thoughts over "planning out what I need to do," or "reconsidering what I should be doing," or "outlining how to begin to address a situation"...not where you're in an absolutely impossible situation.
Like the whole deal of being incapable of walking for a couple days, in 2014 (probably the briefest example along these lines). I spent the first day and a half trying to think my way out of it--always, always, always had made an absolute point of refusing to give up, no matter the odds. It was personal dogma that I would find a way through, over, or under, no matter the circumstances. I would find a way. Period. (Being raised a Girl Scout didn't help along that front.)
So, I remained convinced for over a day that I would be able to figure out some way forward--some way to maneuver life in a reasonable manner without ending up living on the streets--should it be the case that I remained unable to walk. Third story apartment. No job (had quit after getting out of the hospital). Money enough for less than two months' worth of then-current bills. Car falling to pieces (it was an interesting testimony to the people who worked on it: I professed trusting God to get me through and hold my car together, while they couldn't conceive of how I'd avoided destruction in the vehicle, already--professing Christians, this). And other things. Like effectively being in total isolation, for all practical purposes.
Second day in, despair had its full work--I couldn't conceive of any way to maneuver that didn't end with worsening the situation, at the least...given potential for being unable to walk again, as it were. None. Couldn't conceive of how to manage to go forward (and if you would like to survey all the details of the situation in detail, to attempt to do so yourself, you'll have to contact me for a more thorough run-down of all pertinent circumstances). Just no way.
The Lord was merciful though, at that instance, to remind me of who He is.
He's God. The impossible is nothing for Him. He created a universe out of nothing. He can make ways where there are none.
So, I gave up. And just accepted that He could do the things. And accepted that I couldn't even begin to conceive of how He might do so, because there was no way forward. But...accepted that wholly in context of remembering He's God.
And I trusted Him to make a way. Because I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Woke up the next morning and I could walk. Which...being human, means I completely took it as something granted in due course and didn't even stop to reflect upon it at that point. Went back to attempting to schedule life.
But He didn't stop intervening.
Thing is, though--again and again, it really seems the best place to be is in a position where there's no feasible means of deluding myself into even beginning to conceive the idea that I'm somehow responsible for how things are going or for how they're going to work out. So long as there's any room for the delusion of control to manifest, human tendency is for it to do so.
Which is destructive, because it's a lie. It's sin. And sin works death.
It's a lot easier not to worry, when there's absolutely no way possible for me to survive. It's a lot easier not to be anxious when there's absolutely no room allotted for me to consider myself in a position to determine the course of circumstances.
So long as I'm in an absolutely impossible situation--not one willfully wrought, but wrought per pursuit of the Lord (though He is exceedingly merciful)--trusting Him comes easier. Or, at least it does once I've surrendered to the realization that He's in control and I'm not...that He knows what's actually going on, and no matter how much I might think I know, I have no idea whatsoever.
He has ordained things from the beginning of time, that His will would be done. He has ordained grace. He has ordained good to those who love Him. He will be glorified. We know these things.
Yet it's hard to truly rest in those things, sometimes, in the midst of circumstances which are absolutely devastating and heart wrenching and utterly, inconceivably unendurable and impossible.
Giving up, though. Same deal over being unable to conceive of Jesus (or anyone else, for that matter) loving me without ever changing His mind about it...
I can't rationalize my way into means of conceiving of the impossible.
Nor rationalize a means of comprehending quite how or why He loves.
But I can take Him at His word. Because He helps me do so.
And because He keeps drawing me to a position of greater dependence--not of my own ability or will, but of His. Wanting to, yes, but knowing it's a mystery still of how He has ordained such a thing as love and provision.
He does show Himself strong on behalf of those who trust Him.
That showing doesn't always mean what we'd like it to mean.
Over the months in 2015 where one sister initially went a.w.o.l. and then did actually disappear for a brief while, I thought that seeking Him and ardently praying to Him for intervention would result in her deliverance and restoration of family entirely. She did turn back up, family was partially restored, but then there was vast brokenness again.
And now brokenness beyond even what there was, furthered earlier this year. Brokenness on all fronts. Distance entirely. Inability to even interact.
Nothing but prayer, awaiting peace and direction and intervention and knowing the real possibility of eternal loss or further contentious confrontation or of whatsoever other difficulties might come. I have sought Him along the while, to keep a clean conscience before Him so that regardless what might happen, I can defer to Christ knowing I've proven myself again and again incapable of truly right action or thought apart from guided deference to Him.
He didn't fix things the way I wanted them fixed. He didn't heal the way I wanted them healed. In fact, things are far more visibly broken now than they ever have been.
But I trust Him more, having had to rely upon Him every step of the way to hold me together in the midst of progressive loss of everything I'd ever cherished. Not blindly entered, but painfully as pursuit of truth.
Counting the cost.
Not able to justify myself either. Only seeking to cling to Christ and maintain whatsoever much a clean conscience toward Him as He helps to do at any given moment. Tempted so often to compromise, faltering so often...trusting Him to help, having no other means of forward momentum. No other hope.
The more I've failed, the more I've faltered, the more I've strayed, the more I've grieved, the more devastated I've been, the more clearly He has become all hope and constancy and direction and keeping power and sanctuary and comfort and love...all truth. That those things else which were looked to for direction and comfort are put to the lie which they are, through the fire and under weight of the truth of His own intervention to shelter, protect, direct, and provide.
I had forgotten that the things I was looking for and hoping for weren't granted, but greater peace and trust in Christ has ultimately been the recourse for my pleadings and supplication and griefs and despair. He's given praise for mourning. And beauty, of a sort, for ashes.
He is the prize.
If a thing is beneficial in a real way, blatant and ongoing reassurance seems even to take a long while to produce embracing of truth. Like as with the Lord. As with His love. I know He loves me, but...
...apart from having been utterly demolished to witness unabashed the severity and unwavering ardency and utterly consuming reality of His love in an instance which absolutely changed everything...
Which is horrible. Grievous. To be loved unerringly, infinitely well--righteously and with no shadow of turning...yet to doubt the consistency and perseverance of such a love?
Grievous.
Yet I'm still that self-centered and small-minded as to view His love, in part, in contorted retrospect, per a lens which would gauge it as though meritable upon something of my own intrinsic nature or worthiness, rather than accorded as attributable to His nature, alone.
He imbues with merit, according to His own good will, for His pleasure to so do--not apart from Him, but in accord with His will and by His design. Our worth is as given, as made in His image...and as loved by Him. Not as apart from Him.
And He does love us, though.
Which is a point of which there's been a bit of going round, the past couple weeks, particular. Regarding unworthiness and lack of merit to be loved, and even extending to argument regarding innate inability to even love as due in response (attempting further to argue unworthiness to receive, as being incapable of responding adequately in kind).
None of these last are valid arguments, though. His love never did depend upon my ability to respond sufficiently well as to somehow "prove myself worthy," per adequate response. And His love never depended upon ability or inclination to be worthy or due it, from the outset.
He loves because it pleases Him to do so. He loves because He is inclined to do so. For the joy set before Him, He endured shame, reviling, mockery, crucifixion, and death. For He so loved...
That takes a lot of the pressure off. And it would be nice if simply seeing marginally clearly for a moment was sufficient to remain at rest in the knowledge of His love and provision and good will toward me. But I'm human and fickle and frail and I falter quickly, so I need Him to remind me clearly and often.
Because it takes all of a couple minutes' (*ahem*--seconds') worth of time left to my own thoughts and devices for doubt and disbelief to occlude vision of the truth of who Jesus is and of what He's done for me--of His love, which is all the reason I need to endure and persevere through anything. For the sake of His love, so long as He would be near me, I would follow Him into any fire. Not without human fears and pains and tremblings, but held steady by His firm grasp and His steady presence. By His love, sustained and succoured.
I sought love wrongly before surrendering to the truth of Christ's sovereignty--always broken and beaten and dejected and rejected and mocked and abandoned. Desperate, and despairing. There is no love apart from truth. And Christ is the truth. Jesus is God and His sacrifice to atone for our sins must be confronted. His love either despised or embraced.
His love is what I'd blindly sought. At times even sustained much by the hope of His love--pure, untainted by worldly turnings, never wavering, all-consuming...
I can't live without Him. And needn't.
Of accepting that He could love so completely and unwaveringly, though, there's the reminder that He acted without my involvement. He pursued me when I was actively seeking to avoid Him--not entirely consciously, but nonetheless. And He didn't cease pursuing when I was blatantly defiant, avoidant, and oblivious.
He hasn't ceased even now, when my heart's obviously still so self-consumed as to doubt Him and His constancy.
There's just the reminder that He has loved and He will love. And my heart is in His hands. To do with as He will.
I do love Him so much as to know Him well enough to trust His keeping.
Which has increased as the trials have increased in severity and bitterness. He's continually shown Himself utterly capable in the midst of absolute impossibility.
To such extent that being in between the Rock and a hard place seems the absolute best, now--there's no room to fritter away time with anxious thoughts over "planning out what I need to do," or "reconsidering what I should be doing," or "outlining how to begin to address a situation"...not where you're in an absolutely impossible situation.
Like the whole deal of being incapable of walking for a couple days, in 2014 (probably the briefest example along these lines). I spent the first day and a half trying to think my way out of it--always, always, always had made an absolute point of refusing to give up, no matter the odds. It was personal dogma that I would find a way through, over, or under, no matter the circumstances. I would find a way. Period. (Being raised a Girl Scout didn't help along that front.)
So, I remained convinced for over a day that I would be able to figure out some way forward--some way to maneuver life in a reasonable manner without ending up living on the streets--should it be the case that I remained unable to walk. Third story apartment. No job (had quit after getting out of the hospital). Money enough for less than two months' worth of then-current bills. Car falling to pieces (it was an interesting testimony to the people who worked on it: I professed trusting God to get me through and hold my car together, while they couldn't conceive of how I'd avoided destruction in the vehicle, already--professing Christians, this). And other things. Like effectively being in total isolation, for all practical purposes.
Second day in, despair had its full work--I couldn't conceive of any way to maneuver that didn't end with worsening the situation, at the least...given potential for being unable to walk again, as it were. None. Couldn't conceive of how to manage to go forward (and if you would like to survey all the details of the situation in detail, to attempt to do so yourself, you'll have to contact me for a more thorough run-down of all pertinent circumstances). Just no way.
The Lord was merciful though, at that instance, to remind me of who He is.
He's God. The impossible is nothing for Him. He created a universe out of nothing. He can make ways where there are none.
So, I gave up. And just accepted that He could do the things. And accepted that I couldn't even begin to conceive of how He might do so, because there was no way forward. But...accepted that wholly in context of remembering He's God.
And I trusted Him to make a way. Because I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Woke up the next morning and I could walk. Which...being human, means I completely took it as something granted in due course and didn't even stop to reflect upon it at that point. Went back to attempting to schedule life.
But He didn't stop intervening.
Thing is, though--again and again, it really seems the best place to be is in a position where there's no feasible means of deluding myself into even beginning to conceive the idea that I'm somehow responsible for how things are going or for how they're going to work out. So long as there's any room for the delusion of control to manifest, human tendency is for it to do so.
Which is destructive, because it's a lie. It's sin. And sin works death.
It's a lot easier not to worry, when there's absolutely no way possible for me to survive. It's a lot easier not to be anxious when there's absolutely no room allotted for me to consider myself in a position to determine the course of circumstances.
So long as I'm in an absolutely impossible situation--not one willfully wrought, but wrought per pursuit of the Lord (though He is exceedingly merciful)--trusting Him comes easier. Or, at least it does once I've surrendered to the realization that He's in control and I'm not...that He knows what's actually going on, and no matter how much I might think I know, I have no idea whatsoever.
He has ordained things from the beginning of time, that His will would be done. He has ordained grace. He has ordained good to those who love Him. He will be glorified. We know these things.
Yet it's hard to truly rest in those things, sometimes, in the midst of circumstances which are absolutely devastating and heart wrenching and utterly, inconceivably unendurable and impossible.
Giving up, though. Same deal over being unable to conceive of Jesus (or anyone else, for that matter) loving me without ever changing His mind about it...
I can't rationalize my way into means of conceiving of the impossible.
Nor rationalize a means of comprehending quite how or why He loves.
But I can take Him at His word. Because He helps me do so.
And because He keeps drawing me to a position of greater dependence--not of my own ability or will, but of His. Wanting to, yes, but knowing it's a mystery still of how He has ordained such a thing as love and provision.
He does show Himself strong on behalf of those who trust Him.
That showing doesn't always mean what we'd like it to mean.
Over the months in 2015 where one sister initially went a.w.o.l. and then did actually disappear for a brief while, I thought that seeking Him and ardently praying to Him for intervention would result in her deliverance and restoration of family entirely. She did turn back up, family was partially restored, but then there was vast brokenness again.
And now brokenness beyond even what there was, furthered earlier this year. Brokenness on all fronts. Distance entirely. Inability to even interact.
Nothing but prayer, awaiting peace and direction and intervention and knowing the real possibility of eternal loss or further contentious confrontation or of whatsoever other difficulties might come. I have sought Him along the while, to keep a clean conscience before Him so that regardless what might happen, I can defer to Christ knowing I've proven myself again and again incapable of truly right action or thought apart from guided deference to Him.
He didn't fix things the way I wanted them fixed. He didn't heal the way I wanted them healed. In fact, things are far more visibly broken now than they ever have been.
But I trust Him more, having had to rely upon Him every step of the way to hold me together in the midst of progressive loss of everything I'd ever cherished. Not blindly entered, but painfully as pursuit of truth.
Counting the cost.
Not able to justify myself either. Only seeking to cling to Christ and maintain whatsoever much a clean conscience toward Him as He helps to do at any given moment. Tempted so often to compromise, faltering so often...trusting Him to help, having no other means of forward momentum. No other hope.
The more I've failed, the more I've faltered, the more I've strayed, the more I've grieved, the more devastated I've been, the more clearly He has become all hope and constancy and direction and keeping power and sanctuary and comfort and love...all truth. That those things else which were looked to for direction and comfort are put to the lie which they are, through the fire and under weight of the truth of His own intervention to shelter, protect, direct, and provide.
I had forgotten that the things I was looking for and hoping for weren't granted, but greater peace and trust in Christ has ultimately been the recourse for my pleadings and supplication and griefs and despair. He's given praise for mourning. And beauty, of a sort, for ashes.
He is the prize.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)