Educated Trust

This is another strange time, right now. In the midst of a lot of warfare on numerous fronts and within. Even to a falter of sorts, except that it's unto trusting Him rather than efforts.

Yet longing for His nearness.

Piecing through Scripture, bit by bit, but so fractured. And on all sides, such devastation.

One had their Bible stolen, plus the demons have come back--probably connected. Another, though, they haven't left. A third is in process of attempting to be taken out of reach, even as still rejecting the truth of God's love and sacrifice to restore relationship...refusing to repent, preferring brokenness and misery to subjugation of self to truth.

And there are so many others, too. Yet still praying and hoping and waiting expectantly for opportunities to speak Truth.

Even in the midst of being so broken and spastic and wretched.

Plus, things on the whole are very odd in terms of what's being...permitted?...allotted? The confusion over which is the case is what's most difficult to bear. But either way, I have only to trust that He's going to keep me regardless.

He's allowed me to see so many times over that I'm totally incapable of keeping myself, as it goes.

Except that He actively restrains, I'm bent on going headlong into every avenue to research of Him...to such extent that it tends toward error very quickly. Become so ardently focused as to become blind to anything remotely resembling "perspective" on the truth of His holiness and infinite being.

Too exclusively focused. On details.

And yet there is a better way. To love, as Paul professed.

Not to be caught on the details. But to trust God, seeking after Him ardently, letting the Word wash and transform, being led, and to love Him and others.

I'm still not very sure I know what it is, to love. I'm more accustomed to self-preservation, self-indulgence, and reckless giving. Last year was turned toward love, though. Yet somehow, I've been caught up in works again. And in pursuing knowledge apart from being entirely subject to love of God.

Or, really, things are so odd right now, that might not even be so. Maybe things are better aligned toward God's will than I have any clue--He is sovereign, after all. And my comprehension of circumstances or even my own situation has no bearing, whatsoever, on how His will is ordered.

I just want to be conformed to His will, transformed by His Word, and made new entirely. To walk like Him, talk like Him. Love like Him.

And am incapable in my own strength.

But I can trust Him. That despite my obliviousness to what's going on, He will still have His way through me. Subjecting me to His direction, gladly.

I would like Him to direct my thoughts, my speech, my actions. But can't force the matter.

There is absolutely nothing except to trust Him even blindly. But not blindly, because I know He is good and faithful and holy and active.