Today was my first experience street preaching. Not at any length, at all. But reading from the Word of God, sharing the Gospel of Christ, and exhorting people to repent. Using a small speaker-thing. At an abortion clinic, which means there was also exhortation to let the children live.
The significance of this is...I just don't even know. I had longed, absolutely and utterly longed to preach on the streets, shortly after coming to Christ.
And quite frankly, I still feel really conflicted about that, given I'm female. I can't pastor, as Christ is the head of the church, the husband the head of the house, and thus eldership for the local church bodies is also intended to align as being male, representative or ordained order and the authority of God.
I'll be praying about this. But it was something that was given, today. And by one of the elders of the church with which I was participating in the ministry.
Oh, Lord...have mercy.
There are so many things right now which are so utterly and completely beyond my understanding. Not the least of which is the continued desire for marriage, as submitted to God. This is just weird to me--sincerely, openly wanting something while acknowledging I have no control over fulfillment whatsoever, in context of accepting that as being...truly, actually, somehow okay? Like, this isn't a driving force? There's not desperation? There's not a sense of lack, even? Just desiring and accepting? And, further, the presence of this desire doesn't distract from or detract from my walk with Christ: Rather, there's actually an echo in this, to the longing for Christ, Himself...effectively reminding me of my deeper longing for Him, and turning unto Him?
Y'all, dis crazy.
I mean, I could poke at this and prod at it all the more again and become unsettled and unrested, turning away from the Lord and unto my own understanding once more, or some other turn likewise.
But I've got enough productive, good, godly things to keep me occupied right now--I don't feel inclined toward creating drama, needlessly, just for the sake of further plumbing depths of my own wretchedness. Perish the thought.
That's just what a lot ends up equating to, unfortunately--either I stay busy in the Lord, or I stay busy unto sin. I'm not really someone who has capacity for middle ground in that realm (does anyone, really?). And I'm far more sinful than I know. Christ is also far more sufficient and powerful than I recognize.
Someday, though, I'll see Him as He is. And I'll be like Him at that point--as to be able to see Him as He is. That's inconceivably merciful. He will be glorified through even me.
Going to have to sleep momentarily.
Communicated exceedingly briefly with my Bangledeshi missionary person, today, for the first time in probably a year. Been praying, though.
And weirdness with some family is such that I'm waiting in prayer for the next step further. Things now, even, are so much different than a year ago on that front. SO much different. The communication which has recently taken place was not even remotely a possibility a year ago.
Going to keep praying, waiting upon the Lord, and acting as He gives grace to do so. Don't count it slowness, please. He's been doing necessary work in all parties concerned, over the intervening intervals.
I'm really hoping to have friends again, soon. People to hang out with, again. I don't understand why I haven't "clicked" with people where I've been attending church. I just know that I haven't. And I've tried. And they've tried. And it's just been...weird. Not bad. But...just not connecting. Like I have other interests. They have other interests. Or, I don't even know. Maybe the whole of the problem is me? It was where I was last attending.
I miss their fellowship. I miss the friends I had. I wish I'd been able to better endure. I wish I'd been able to set aside my griefs. So many things. There were friendships. I was a part of community.
Maybe I am now, too, and it's just odd feeling? I really don't know. I am going to keep asking for guidance.
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