Idolatry of Man and Marriage

Things are super weird, everywhere right now.

I've been increasingly convicted to just absolutely let go of the hope/desire/longing for marriage. To surrender it all the more fully to the Lord. At this precise moment, the conviction is strong enough that I'm not despairing unto clinging...finding it possible to endure pain with gratitude and rejoicing unto God.

What gets me, though, is there's an undercurrent, nearly subconscious, which wants to continue to privately (i.e., apart from submitting to God's will) hold onto the desire for marriage, under premise that...unless I maintain and continue to privately retain this desire, it won't come into being as fulfilled. As though God can't be trusted to do what's right.

That constitutes a revelation of all sorts of weirdness in my heart.

Will further delve momentarily.

An alternate current has to do with the notion that ...oh, it's slipped from me again--I didn't let go the former idea quickly enough.

So, I suppose to go with the other for a moment longer.

There's this idea that's not uncommon amongst the masses of the world, whereby if we want something then we have to remain focused on it, as part of pursuit, in order for it to come to fruition. As though, unless a person is consciously aware of an intended action or desire, somehow things will not come into bearing, unto fulfillment of "need." As though, for instance, my ability to obtain work rested not in the taking of steps toward it and the favor of God per being hired...but in the strength of my desire for that job. The underlying assumption is always that we are the ones who best understand ourselves and those things which are good for us, which is short-sighted and entirely selfish--not God-honoring at all.

There are occult practices (including new age) wholly focused upon honing will along such lines as to manifest into the tangible what is desirable, at the extreme end of this line of reasoning.

But the reality is, my desire for work, for a husband, for a family--for whatever else...doesn't determine the appropriation of these, from the Lord. No matter what my thoughts are on recent developments, it's the Lord's will which matters. And He doesn't owe me anything (this is not in contradiction to the reality that we know all things fundamentally necessary will be added unto us, as we seek His kingdom--in context of all Paul said regarding being able to accomplish all things through Christ, and of Psalmists' remarks about never seeing the righteous utterly forsaken...all, in context of His will and wisdom being unsearchable and unfathomable, and His thoughts unlike our thoughts). However, the fact of the matter is, I don't actually know what's truly necessary for my health, healing, well-being in the Lord, and spiritual growth--not even remotely aware, apart from God's faithful guidance, provision, and revelation the matters. As in truth, I know I only barely, partially recognize the graces worked through His providence in even the most blatant blessings--and even then, only as He allows me the insight.

Period.

A study of Jeremiah with Larry Crabb last night discussed the reality of some of the pitfalls which can be fallen into, regarding wrong regards toward the Lord:

We hurt and struggle and can begin to think of Him as merely a helpful God, thus beginning to expect comforts from Him. With my present pain and the inhibited use of my right hand, the temptation on this front could be to think that just because I know He's the Great Physician and the God of all comforts...that this would somehow mean that He must give me healing, must allow this to fully heal. He may, but He may not, too. And He's no less good for it, either way. And He's used it already to remind me that all my strength is from Him

Another angle Crabb discussed was that we may selfishly view God as a Father who will give us whatever gifts we deem necessary, being desirable. This is the angle which most convicted me, regarding my desire for marriage and the perception that matters had been so seemingly optimal with recent friend: "It all seems utterly well, so let me have this!"

That's not how things work. And to confess the wretchedness of my heart a bit further, I had been harboring ill in my heart toward the Lord, which He began blatantly convicting me of in February:
I continued crying out for companionship, for marriage, for someone to walk with as to draw nearer the Lord alongside, as not to be so horribly solitary and as to have solidarity in faith with someone who TRULY prospered my spiritual walk with Christ (there've been MANY I've briefly been alongside whose walks were so utterly different than mine, that though they weren't unholy, just being near/living with them was enough to wreak havoc in my relationship with Christ). Fool that I am, I accused God in my heart of being unfair and cruel to withhold such things from me.

I am so upset over this now. He is so good to me. Always so kind, and the lavish kindnesses He's consistently provided? I mean--His son????

I am an idiot of the first order. A vile wretch, to accuse my loving Father of withholding from me what is good, and even further, to accuse Him of tormenting me--as though He were consistently continuing to withdraw from me those things which seemed most necessary to my well-being, accusing also that He was taunting me by holding out supposed gifts, allowing me to become wholly emotionally engaged, and then snatching them away. As though it were some sort of sick game. My selfishness, my self-exaltation, my pride, and much other sin has been the problem all the while--my idolatry and unwillingness to keep all submitted to God...yet I turned around and accused Him of being the evildoer in the matter. Perish the thought, terrifying.

Do you see how wicked this is, though? How absolutely horrific to have such thoughts about Him, who is the Lover of my soul? About the One who gave His life to redeem me from the wrath due me, and from the power of sin?

If I could crawl beneath the earth to hide my shame and the wretchedness of my grief over having so completely and horribly erred against Him...the shamefulness and the abject horrific reality of my error would cry out no less.

He is good Always and wholly good. It's my sin, my idolatry of my own understanding (exalted above His) and of my desire/covetousness for these matters of companionship (even using Scriptures against Him, taunting Him myself--I am horrible, friends)...which has so corrupted my interpretations that I would dare perceive my holy, ever-loving, truly long-suffering Heavenly Father as being other than He is--He is kind, gentle, patient, good, full of love toward me in Christ, and disciplining me unto my good and my conformity to the image of Christ. He knows what I need.

His wrath upon sin is truly just.

I have to truly surrender, and let go of the idea that I need marriage. And I have to leave it resting upon the altar of His love and kindness and mercy toward me in Christ.

My heart is raw, over this. I feel as though I've had my flesh abraded and left exposed...as though some scar has been peeled off, revealing tender, raw flesh. And I must trust Him with this, that I will not turn toward self in some other fashion, to mask this pain and sense of vulnerability.

He is a good Father, is the thing: He isn't going to give me something which would destroy me. And idolatry is ever unto destruction. So, realistically, if having a husband would mean that I would not be safe, spiritually, He knows that...and He is not going to give me that which would destroy me.

The only way I will ever be safe in that scenario is if I truly surrender this idol and submit to God. Yet that doesn't guarantee He will allot either, now or ever. The rightfulness of appropriation must be trusted to Him wholly, though, and desire continually submitted to Him if and/or when I begin ever to pick up the idea of my superior understanding of my needs, once more. I must rejoice in Him in all matters, and that be the course at core and always. Regardless of circumstances or provision. He knows my needs and He will provide what is needful and good.

It's taken me this long in life to even be able to openly admit to the reality of this situation, in my heart (i.e., to myself). The fact of the matter is, for nearly as long as I've lived, I've felt entitled to companionship, as an unstated development believed most fundamentally necessary to "complete me." And I've believed there was nothing short of that which would suffice unto fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

I have never fully acknowledged those thoughts to anyone, openly. But the many years prior to coming to Christ, this has been the case...

How much an idol is this, then? How longstanding? I was awoken to those desires prior to speech being a matter freely endeavored. I still clearly remember my first "crush," and the desire for I knew not what, but of something "vital." (And he remembered me, too, when we encountered one another a couple years ago--though now, I'm of an age where we're contemporaries...and he is not someone who follows the Lord.)

And the next fellow, who I adored for over a decade... In later years, his mom approached me and remarked upon that early attachment to him and how she'd hoped someday...

...but he married. He never saw me as anything more than a quirky, overzealous (thus interesting) friend.

And there were others, along the course of these years...again and again, of whom I silently hoped. I saw so many traits which were so very desirable, in each, is all: Kindness, gentility, humility, quiet strength, a willingness to stand up in the face of wrongdoing. Moral fortitude.

And just sincerity, most often.

Over time, I lost the ability to as easily discern what these even were. But it didn't really matter anyway--none of it was honorable nor God-honoring. I used and was used. There was so much brokenness and pain, sin at the core of it all. My sights were continually fixed on the idea that in order to find peace and fulfillment, I had to know and understand myself and pursue whatever matters were most well-suited to my personality and proclivities. And none of it was unto peace. I tried to be systematic, varying angles of approach to life and fulfillment--even regarding interactions and potential relationships. But, still, empty and disconnected.

I wanted companionship all along, but many places it seemed to be found was with some of whom abuse was rife in one form or another. I didn't know how to relate, otherwise. That was all that felt...acceptable, and worthy of me. Those I met who weren't blatantly abusive, though...

...well, I didn't really talk, in any case. So much was smoke and mirrors. In all my searching for myself, I kept running from the truth of who I was--a sinner, denying God's reality and pre-eminence. And so whatever I shared was partial truth, again and again--always shifting, depending upon mood and the perspective of the moment. Nothing seemed founded on reality.

But I was very much driven by a desire, always, for companionship. Though I denied it to myself and to others, except in rare moments of clarity when I would come to the end of an attempted interaction with someone realizing I couldn't handle suppressing the truth of what bits I knew of reality well enough to manage being a partner.

If none of that makes especially clear sense, I think that's perfectly acceptable. I'm trying to give an overview of decades' worth of progression of perception and interaction, and that in and of itself is I think a bit too expansive to be easily summed with precision for apt conveyance.

Just, the whole of the matter was that I wanted companionship. I have nearly always wanted a relationship. Through most of my life prior to Christ, I didn't identify that as a desire for marriage, due to the brokenness I was accustomed to and due to how significantly that was downplayed in regard to myself, as a child.

I sometimes think I have ever been seen as an object of possession and gratification, and generally treated as such.

But in the midst of that sort of brokenness, I kept trying to make some sort of headway with any ability to form a meaningful, lasting relationship. And discussed terms. And...still...things did not go. I wouldn't marry anyone who didn't actually want to marry me, who viewed it as some sort of concession to convention or means to a personal goal (citizenship) or as a concession to appease me, in terms of manipulating my behavior.

None of them knew me. Or wanted to know me. I could know them, but they did not know me. And did not want to know me. And the few men who have wanted to know me or who got to know me at all...just weren't interested. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not successful enough. I don't come from a good enough family. I don't possess enough skill with hospitality and social graces. I'm just not skilled and presentable enough to be desirable.

I'm not marketable.

All the more so, now that I follow Christ.

I've been told to lay off some of the religious stuff, if I want to have any chance at a relationship. And have been told as much by even well meaning folks, who I guess don't know me as well as they think?

It's well meaning advice. I know it is. But I don't see how becoming more worldly is going to help me spiritually, when it comes to finding someone with whom I would want to spend my life seeking Christ.

This guy, though. This recent man. I've never met anyone like him. I miss feeling safe with him, perhaps more than anything. But I'm safe with the Lord, before anyone else. And even if things in the world are painful and scary...I know it's only as the Lord would have done, when harm comes to me.

I just really like the idea of having someone who would protect me from doctors. But that's such a maudlin thought.

All this is, now.

Of all this, the matter at hand is that through so much of the process of ardently desiring and haphazardly entering attempts toward companionship...I was lying to myself about the truth of the idolatry of that particular desire. Of those matters which I most wanted, that was central and fundamental in all realms--and largely entirely unmentioned, as being so wholly central to my being. I hid that idol from everyone, as it had been mocked when I was a child. And so it became a secret sin which suffused and informed pretty much everything I did.

Even the delving into the occult, as I did. That was a pursuit on such a line, too, which ultimately led unto a familiar spirit. Which was my companion for a long while, on and off.

None of it was satisfactory, though.

In those moments when I did have the companionship, I still found myself at a loss. And part of it was matter of feeling cloistered, as though I had to deny the truth of who I was in order to be accepted (usually so)...but also as though I was being prevented from continuing to pursue that which mattered. I wanted growth. I wanted development.

I wanted truth.

And I still do.

But most folks I've met are content with amusement. Content to just bide time, as the hours pass. Time without thought. The challenge of continual growth was not appealing.

And now...I'll have more people. More connection. Not to be as solitary, in seeking the Lord.

I think.

Anyways.

The whole of things, of the idolatry again, is that it was so deep rooted that I refused to even acknowledge the presence: so central my being. Not as central as pride, certainly--self-exaltation being the root of all else which is sin.

But this...was probably the one nearest and next most fundamental.

When I came to Christ, a couple different things happened in respect to this longstanding idol, within the first year. First, I wandered across the Psalm that talks about desires of one's heart being given, and I fully, consciously thought to myself basically, "Now at last, I will have a husband: I will delight myself in the Lord, and He will give me a husband."

That...didn't happen with any immediacy. In fact, life got straight-up crazy, instead. Insane, really. So, that was still a desire, but put far on the back burner in the midst of all the havoc, and in the midst of the sweetness of the nearness of the Lord, I rejected the idea of marriage wholesale: I couldn't control for it, see? And I couldn't foresee the Lord fulfilling that desire. So, choosing to reject what wasn't within my reach was an act of trying to wholly prefer what was present...which just suppressed the truth of idolatry. Not addressing it, yet dealing with it oddly...suppressed it from view.

Resenting the lack of fulfillment, moreover, was kind of turning up my nose at my own deep-seated desire while trying to pretend it was no longer within me--instead of surrendering my desire to God.

I spent the next couple years running from the desire for marriage, continuing to ostensibly reject desire. I'd even made such professions along the course of time, on here. I was claiming not to want marriage at all, because I did not want to want marriage. Which ended up allowing for a confession which felt like an act of superiority: Out of rage, really. Impotent rage at being unable to influence or move the hand of God. And resentment at feeling inferior and denied, in fellowship with many others happily married and professing the joys (and trials) of marriage. I was enraged at being told I ought to marry, as it's sanctifying: If I could have married someone whom I thought was suitable, I would have. But I would not and will not marry absolutely anyone, just for the sake of being married. That's ludicrous. If I were to do that, I may as well just sell myself to the highest bidder, because that's what it equates to doing: Find whoever is the most profitable a match, since the person doesn't matter as much as the desired outcome. That...still, is something I just won't do.

It's not that there aren't men now who have been interested in me, even. Some have. But...for various reasons, I just haven't been interested or in a place where that's feasible or there's been problem on their end. It's not been of God, ultimately.

A thing about sin, though: It's deceptive. I can make that strong statement about the reality of my rage being what it was, simultaneous with seemingly sanctified professions of rejection of marriage, in light of the recognition that sin is just that deceptive. There's now humiliation at not having been remotely cognizant of my shamefulness, and grief over having so erred against God on this point. Letting go the shame and grief will be a day to day thing, taken before the Lord. But the fact of the matter is, I don't think any of us realize how shameful our sin actually is, or we wouldn't proceed in it from the first.

As uncultured and uncivilized as I am, in general, it seems very much like very often there are many things which aren't quite even a matter of sin, but just ignorance of decorum which are even shameful, yet which I don't have insight to avoid. So for there to be shame in regard to mere passing, human things?--how much more, concerning matters in opposition to the Sovereign of our Universe?

Again, though. This whole matter has been fraught with difficulty from the fore. Much a problem of focus and outworking of pride.

I have been...so arrogant. So very, very arrogant. In so many ways. I've spurned so many people, in my pride. And this isn't disconnected from this weird fixation of marriage. Almost as like an outgrowth of self, still. Saying "This is what I need, to be okay."

The Lord knows. I don't. So it's still just arrogance to assert that I know my needs better than He does. And to act as though He's mistreating me--throwing a temper tantrum, moreover, because He's not giving me what I want--enrages me, now. That I wold dare be so arrogant and malicious toward the One whom my soul loves.

I would hate myself for this. But His love and His mercy, His kindness toward me bid me grieve instead and ask forgiveness. I can't atone for what I've done, and wanting to make myself suffer for these matters is every bit as arrogant as the rest--Christ has paid my penalty. Let me, then, repent in dust and ashes, Lord.

So, writing all of this at such length is trying to have out with it and be done with it.

Because I keep being tempted to pick it back up again. As though it's mine to determine, mine to have.

The second point was that even if I were married, if I were in a position of idolizing marriage, I would view myself as entitled to my husband also--as though he, too, were mine and were my due. But this, too, is wrong. If the Lord were to give me in marriage, I would still remain Christ's. And my husband would remain Christ's also.

He wouldn't be my possession, to hoard and find fulfillment and all safety and joy in. No, that would still be the Lord or it would all be idolatry.

Same of a man, toward me. If he exalted me to the point of being the purpose and meaning in his life, I would fall far short of being anything worth his attentions, as those affections are for God alone. What love would be given, ought be given as unto God. Loving as Christ loved, unto one another.

And that's what I've been told of interaction in general--it's through Christ, or not of Him. We must interact with one another through our submission of our own spirits to Christ. Not apart from Him, not striving to understand or know wisdom or plot courses apart from Him. But through Him.

The approval of God is what's necessary, not the approval of man. Idolatry arising out of the desire to gain man's approval and be led of man (even as though unto God) leads to self-exaltation or self-abasement, outworking of a central focus being on self or other people rather than on the completed work of Christ and regard for self or other considered per that reality and a rightfully resultant submissiveness to God in Christ for all guidance. Ever does the pride of either self-exaltation or self-abasement yield unto further sin, is all: idolatry of man, idolatry of self, for me unto a giving way to fearfulness and anxiety, per wrongly attempting to control for matters which are intended to be submitted to and directed by God. There's constant need to trust God and submit to Christ for the strength and wisdom to do all which He would call us to do, whereas having foremost focus on idols instead places onus on self as the source of strength rather than Christ... And this is much the heart of sin. Convoluting all interactions. In a similar capacity to the full-scale rejection of marriage which I'd undergone and have been detailing, particularly concerning my sinful suppression of the reality of the state of my idolatry, I had done the same regarding others in Christ whom I revered beyond the point of loving acceptance, as unto idolatry. That is not their fault, but wholly my own. And my turning away, fear-driven, was not worthy but of the same mettle as what I had done regarding marriage--sinfully rejecting and denying what could not be controlled for, what had ought to have been yielded unto God and pursued only as per His guidance (interaction on the whole, I mean). So much of such wretchedness was founded on a contortion of what it is to truly, in a God-honoring way, give double honor to those who are in authority over us.

Central to a lot of the deviation has been a turning inward due to pain and the horrors of becoming aware of other sins against and participated in. Abject horror. And so very grieved. And seeking help, but not knowing quite how, barely able to speak of things or put words to the circumstances--only preliminarily cognizant of what, in fact, was at all passing. Just horror after horror. And in the midst of the pain, the tendency can often be to be hyper-sensitive to anything which remotely can be perceived as akin to that which was known to cause pain. And the hyper-sensitivity, if not submitted to the Lord, is unto self-pity, self-coddling, rather than extending grace and the love and charity of Christ, to forbear and be present as fellow citizens. So many things which are not at all problematic in normal circumstances may be perceived as dire attacks, though they aren't.

And besides all, of whether an attack is intended or not, the call to Christ is indeed a call to forbear one another in love. Not remembering wrongs, but loving and seeking the good of others rather than self. My tendency again and again has instead been to still be offended and hurt and to shore up walls in defense, in the midst. Rather than taking into account that I hurt others too, intentionally or unintentionally--I am no better than anyone else...and so I am not in position to judge nor to take offense. Christ, above all, was hurt by me...intentionally mocked and spurned and derided. Who am I to take offense at anything, then? But to instead, submit to Him in the midst and love and extend the same mercies He has extended to me.

Self-justification is not a fruit of the Spirit. Neither is self-preservation.

But to love. And seek good.

And this is going to be the post to end all posts for some time. Though I may not be able to type again for a while after tomorrow, so it's what it is...

I wish...my perception were not often so very inhibited by fear. That has to be surrendered to the Lord, too. That's the core of much of this--the tendency to idolize others, unto wanting approval and acceptance (and in a sense, the desire for marriage has been comprised of wanting that on a much closer front: to receive worship and to worship another, at close range...which is disgusting), and then a giving over to despair fearing rejection, and the tendency then is to see others as somehow further away than they are...as having darker motives than they do. And one of the the problems is (...again, fundamentally, failing to be focused on Christ, but...), it really doesn't matter what other people's motives are. At all, is the thing.

That's between them and God. I'm not the M.O. police. None of us are. God alone judges the hearts of man.

What I need to do is submit to the Lord, remember the cross, and bear through with a loving, gracious heart toward those around me. No matter weirdness or injustice or whatever.

Same as for us all. And keep taking my heart back to Christ, as my all in all--not the opinions of others. If other people are put off by me or uncomfortable with me, then I will trust the Lord to help refine me to have more tact so I don't cause my brothers and sisters to stumble.

But taking it to Him, rather than being caught up in worry and concern and all the things else. He has to correct and mold my heart and help me do what's right. I'm not sufficient.

Same with this idolatry of marriage. Thing is, I really like this guy that I'd been hanging out with. But...that doesn't have to mean anything more than we're just friends. He may just be a really dear brother, perhaps even at a distance going forward--I don't know. I can't and won't know anything else, except the Lord allows insight. These things are the Lord's, not mine, and I can rest in gratitude toward the Lord of the whole of these matters, and appreciation for what's been accomplished through the situation. All is just a day at a time, anyway, so I need to just let it all go unto the Lord. Because it's not mine to direct or control, and my friend is the Lord's and so am I. And we may not even really be beneficial to one another, as more than friends... There's no way to know, except to wait upon God and His guidance. And, again, that's enough--just to trust the Lord and let go.

Placing all in the Lord's hands, alone, my hands need to remain open unto God and loving service of others.

I can't try to gauge one way or the other how things may go, based on any sort of "signs." Not at all a sound course.
And trying to do so is meddling, demanding, feeling entitled.

Ever the way to know whether a thing is of the Lord is when it comes to pass. We know, when a matter has come to pass...that's what He's said. And just being guided one moment at a time, as of "this is the way, walk in it."

And I will probably continue to battle through my idolatry of man and of marriage. Unless the Lord be exceedingly merciful to me in this at this particular juncture (which He may, I don't know)...I will have to keep laying this down.

And I will, because He'll help me.

The most recently met man isn't necessarily anything more than a friend, is the thing. We earnestly spoke some things to one another in haste, and...strangely, I don't regret the way things have gone. It's all been used of the Lord to reveal and convict of my idolatry, unto repentance. I still mean the things said, yet in submission to the Lord's will, foremost. But this is same as we'd ever said, regardless of how my heart shifted back toward idolatry toward the latter end. All was begun and prayerfully considered in context of whatever the Lord would give or not, though, despite what's been revealed of my heart's machinations.

And so what, that it does hurt not to have a husband? I do want marriage. And it's not wrong to want marriage--just wrong to want it in a way which obstructs or intrudes upon my rejoicing and contentment in the Lord: As long as Christ is all-sufficient in my heart--known as Lord and He in whom I find my purpose and peace and direction--I can bear the pains, the griefs, and even the unmet yearnings of my heart...all being lesser than the light of His love and the joy of the knowledge of God in Christ, recognizing with gratitude that the Lord knows my needs, and if He has not given me something I desire, then that is truly good and necessary and right. Same, when He takes away--it is good and right and with good purpose. For, He is my Good Shepherd, my greatest friend, and He knows my needs so much better than I do. And He's been helping me heal in ways I didn't even have sense to know I was broken, per the convolution of perceptions wrought per long-standing sin. His kindness has and does lead me to repent. As Christ Himself is the fulfillment of my heart's truest needs and utmost desires, and the more clearly He leads me to recognize and rejoice in this reality, the more completely He allows me to destroy my idols and pursue His love, above all.

That is what is good and necessary to all wellness and continuation of life.