To Arms

I'm going to write despite the pain. Until I'm told not to or I lose the ability. My doctor believes the nerve will completely heal eventually

Today was a very small step forward. I do indeed need to rejoice in what Christ has done for me, setting all else aside. Just Him.

Things are...interesting.

I've been reflecting on conversations with a girl met in Tennessee, recently. In December, 2015. Having a crisis of faith, she pulled off the road and put on her emergency lights (hazards, I know). I went back to talk with her until, maybe it was 3am?

She was having a horrible time adjusting to the shock of returning to Western culture. She had been following the Lord on the West Coast, traveling with her dog (a huge German shepherd she'd gotten in Germany) through the forests and finding tribal people in the areas of...I'm assuming Northern California, or somewhere thereabouts or further north...and sharing the Gospel of Christ with them. And she was recounting with longing and a great deal of despair how wonderful and keen a joy it was to have to depend abjectly upon the Lord, every single day, for every single thing--for food, for direction, for interaction. For everything needful.

And then, He led her back to society. To care for her ailing mother. And she was becoming involved in work again, as a busser at a restaurant. And she felt as though her life had lost absolutely all meaning, as though everything was suddenly at an absolute standstill and there were no longer any moments of utmost sweetness in the throes of abject dependence upon the Lord for everything.

Most conversations are indirect, as goes picking apart a situation, unveiling and exploring what's at stake. But the extent of her despair evidenced how great was her need still, to cast all upon Christ and depend upon Him with every bit as much a cry for deliverance and provision as in the wilderness, elsewhere. The notion of having everything handed over easily in one's work is so beguiling, though. The idea of having no needs lacking, so false.

Our needs are greater than food and shelter. If we aren't rich toward God, we have nothing which will aid us regarding our most fundamental requirement for life. And there's always the need for guidance and discernment of speech.

A friend was with me, and I admit that bits of the conversation were definitely beyond the scope of what's commonly accepted as normal, and definitely unsettling for her. Same, of the offer to pray for deliverance from anxiety. But...such is as it was, and I've been learning greater grace and tact from the Lord, over time. I've had to learn how to follow more closely and depend more completely, same as we all do.

That's been on my mind a lot lately, though.

There've been times when I have been sorely tempted to (again) get rid of everything I own, to go homeless and share the Gospel. I've researched viable means of supporting myself and surviving the lifestyle. And I've asked the Lord about it again and again, asking Him to let me go.

But it's not really where my heart is, where I feel called, I think. If ever that changes, He'll guide me. But I don't foresee that being so.

Similarly, I had dealt with a deep desire to go to Israel, shortly after coming to the Lord--to go and plead with God's chosen nation. I still yearn to see them come to Him. To know their Messiah, our God.

I met a Jewish man at recent work, and was at least briefly able to tell him that was so. My God is His Messiah, I told him. He didn't respond to that, but later made some brief commentary, joking about churches, evidencing something of his knowledge of evangelical Protestantism. I will pray for him.

Point being, I don't have to go to Israel to plead with them. Whomever He sends me to, wherever. And I will trust for the grace to have boldness and clarity, bit by bit.

He did allow me to plead the Gospel with the folks at work who spoke with me most. And I prayed for that of others, too, but it was only a couple. But still. And a gift, to serve them all and pray for them while there. The Lord's will be done, each to each.

I can't continue there because of the damage to my arm. I will probably have to stop typing for a while. Or at least minimizing, severely. In order to be able to work again, and not to lose further function.

One of my dearest friends and I were blessed to read and very briefly study Revelation a few days ago, via FaceTime, and she made a comment about us going to Jerusalem together, to witness and evangelize. And I did initially jump at the idea, but the more I think on it...the more sorrowful I am, realizing that's not where I feel called to go. And maybe the Lord will change that, too--I really don't know.

But of the way it's been, and the way I am driven, I desire to share the Gospel with those who are here, in my country. To the poor, the rejected, the broken, the downcast, those who are addicted and desperate (as I once was), and those who know nothing of love or truth in the world. To the marginalized and the poor. And to all others whom the Lord allows me speech with, of these matters.

My home country seems very much to be my field. My burden is for souls here. And not to be in academic or scholarly, nor even any other sort of Christian employ. He keeps calling me to work among the masses of the world. And sometimes...I go to churches, too. I used to visit a lot of churches, by myself. And would usually speak with the pastors.

I still pray for them, as they come to mind.

And He's given me an odd connection to ministry with children, too, despite my fearfulness and feelings of abject inadequacy--I wasn't raised in a way to know how to care for children. I have seen myself as completely unfit, especially given the darkness I walked in for so many years. The innocence of children is so utterly precious to me, and I don't want to mar that by even my presence. But I've been assured and reassured time and again that I do well, very well with children. I just pray and trust the Lord continually to guide and to help me lovingly care for those near me. Despite my disinclination, He's had me help with toddlers and kindergarteners, and high school children. Consistently, these past few years.

So, now it's been brought to my attention again that I could substitute teach. I'd been told as much, perhaps it was in 2016. I considered it, but didn't pursue. But now, it's actually viable--the girl who got me into the recent contract position (which I can no longer do) is in the school system.

Then, this may be the course. I have always felt wholly inadequate to guide children. I love them dearly, but I just have no idea what I'm doing. Yet, despite that, I led a children's group for the Salvation Army weekly for a couple years, 2009 through 2012 (I think it was that long), and helped twice with an annual United Nations high school conference, leading a classroom independently at least once. And I've co-taught a full year of kindergarten Sunday school, and have been proctoring the SAT at the local high school for over two years now.

I'm not sure how it happened that the Lord got me to do these things, without my awareness of what I've been doing. Without me realizing this has been a consistent development and process in my life. But He has been.

And now maybe into teaching. I've prayed about that time and again, in spite of myself. We'll see how He leads.

Inner city teaching?

Or poverty stricken rural areas?

Or both, by turns--I don't know.

But I do know He has works for me which He has ordained for me to walk in. And I've railed against Him at times, over this particular matter--that of any and all things He could ever ask me to do, He could not have me work with children, as I am just utterly unprepared and completely inept, and unfit. Just wholly unfit. As for marriage, also, which I recently committed to Him...that He would make me a good wife, prepare me to be a good wife. Because I don't know how. And I'm ill-equipped. Not that it's necessarily even a matter that He'll give. But...I want more than anything to do well, in such a role. To honor the Lord and my husband. To love the Lord well, above all, and to love my husband well, as the Lord would give. If ever He does.

And again, I know that if He doesn't ever allot that, if He never gives me away in marriage to one of earth, then He knows what's best for me. And I am grateful that He doesn't listen to me, when I plead for things which would not be His will.

This, of teaching though...I don't know. It seems fairly viable a course.

There's great need. And it's not hugely financially rewarding, so from what I understand fewer and fewer folks enter in. Besides which, it's a firestorm, bureaucratically. Of all the places in general society right now which present the greatest and most dangerous a minefield (regarding livelihood and tenure, as it were)...that is certainly in the top few. Public schooling. All manner of ungodliness has been unleashed, and the children are enduring an onslaught of horrors. God has been forbidden entry, while every demonic teaching is increasingly being implemented and set forth as reasonable from even the very youngest age.

They need defenders. They need intercessors. They need ambassadors of Christ who are willing to enter into the fray and walk solemnly, humbly with God while interceding in prayer and service and unto the sharing of the Gospel in any way possible, as led by God, Himself.

Working in another public, yet not-for-profit sector which similarly defies God while exalting demonic doctrine for three years...was a foretaste, if it is the course God would have me tread. But at least with this prior job, there were specific provisions which made it so that I could share more boldly than possible with children present.

Who knows. However God leads, then He will have to lead.

This is my mission field, though. My home country. These are the ones for whom He has given me the burden, to reach, and with whom to plead the Gospel.

More than anything, though, there is prayer.

Don't take for granted that wherever you are, there's a great need to submit all things to God for guidance. The people you walk beside today, if you walk...the people you see outside your window...the others in the market or at the corner...do they know Christ as their Lord? Are they living in defiance of God? Will they enter into judgment without having humbled themselves in repentance, casting all upon Christ for mercy?

And I do believe in election. I see it in Scripture. Yet, He calls us to make disciples. Not to assume we know who is who. God has created and He sustains all. He makes it to shine on the just and the unjust, and to rain on the evil and the good. He calls us to this sort of perfection, too--not to be hardhearted, but to plead with all, while He lets the tares and wheat grow together.

We have the Gospel. We know the truth of God's wrath, righteous and just against a sinful, corrupt created people...and also of His redemption in Christ, son of God, who died for us. We see the wrath to come for those whom we walk amongst. He has given us eyes to see this, that we turned from it ourselves and have trusted wholly in Christ. If we see others perishing as we once were, do we not have a debt as those with sight, to plead with the blind that they would avoid the pit?

You judge the matter, yourself, from the Word, from Christ's words and life and work, and from the revelation of God in the Gospel. Wherever you are. Pray that He will give you opportunity to compassionately, clearly begin to plead truth with those around you. Pray that He will lead you in how to do so. We see so many different ways which Paul presented the Gospel, to different audiences. And even going back so many times, to teach and preach. We need be led, too, and given wisdom for our speech also. That we wouldn't cast pearls before swine, but would ask the God of sight and hearing to open eyes and ears to hear truth, and even if we would speak in parables until that moment when He allots for a full disclosure...then always praying and pleading that He will present that opportunity and the boldness to do so, fully, in that moment. While entreating them all the while, as God entreated us...pleading reconciliation, by all means and any means--and for myself, there were so many means He used.

Pray for wisdom. Pray for a desire to do these things. And pray for me too, on all these counts.

We need not slumber, just because matters around us seem secure. Rather, all the more call to be alert and awake, since our circumstances induce a sort of sleepiness, dreaminess, a sense of false comfort and false peace--saying "Peace, peace!," when there is none. Reject what is false, cling to what is true, indeed. Cling to Christ, and Him crucified for us. Now living, ever reigning and interceding.

Let us be about our God and Father's business, then, shall we?