Continuing in prayer (and seeking that others near and dear would pray, and you all as well), the Lord has graciously allowed me to regain further perspective on circumstances in light of truth and per another honest appraisal of aspects of my prior, sinful tendencies.
A form of love and the expressed desire for power are presently, to some degree being intermarried in realm of a blatantly trying present circumstance. Being able to discern and prayerfully address various unacknowledged reasonings behind such matters encountered has come and will only come by way of the Lord's gracious allowance of further deliverance--having submitted more fully to Him, casting myself continually upon His mercies.
He does not put me in situations I'm able to independently maneuver and navigate, of an increasing complexity. He leads me in ways which require I reflect upon who He is and what I know of Him and His ways--reflecting again and again upon His Word to us all, the Scriptures, for guidance and comfort and clarification. Prayerfully embarking to act and speak, again and again. All while requesting prayer and seeking accountability (whether overtly intending to do so or not--often as part of the course of seeking to honor Him and be led of Him in His will)...so, also does He encourage and edify and guide and reprove and rebuke through His own people, too--ever directing to His Word.
And of this lattermost, there are many who attempt reproof or encouragement or correction in sometimes blatant but nonetheless concerted deviation from His Word--while simultaneously intimating that such efforts are God-honoring. This, too, is a trial. And a grief. And I do as the Lord leads in gently (and sometimes eventually, ardently--passionately) pleading from His Word in context of the whole to the best of His giving insight and guidance...
...yet all in all, each situation and circumstance of life increasingly requires a deeper dependence upon God for moment-by-moment guidance. Reliance upon Christ, my King and Savior, to lead. By a right knowledge of Him, though, and a testing of guidance against His Word moment-by-moment--not as something founded on wishful thinking and pop-psychology, but an ardent, heart-aching, soul-searching, desperate desire to know & honor Him which culminates again and again in turning to the Scriptures and crying out to Him perpetually for understanding of what is there to be understood. Because these things are far from me, except that He gives insight.
I've read the epistles of John recently, as an instance. And though...the concepts presented seem so straightforward and are...the intricacies of what's presented in scope of the whole of the text of our Scriptures as impressed upon our hearts to be kept...
...is beyond measure. And I long to understand more of what it is which He has revealed of Himself, therein, and of our relation to Him and to one another and to sin. And love.
I'll be meditating on these epistles for the rest of my life, as God be willing to graciously preserve me evermore for Himself (I trust Him)...and I know I won't come to an end of clarification of my understanding of Him and all the rest of reality, still.
All of which brings me back to saying that trusting Him increasingly and ever more wholeheartedly is a worthwhile life goal, as I see it--Christ professed this roundabouts the ways of what we regard as Matthew 6:33. Yet seeking Him and His kingdom and righteousness?--that's according to rightly handling His Word, which only comes by His Spirit giving understanding of the truth. Seeking and requiring Him as fundamental to all of life and being and wellness only arises out of rightly understanding who He is and who we are in relation, as received through Christ's atoning sacrifice.
Which is life--to thus know Him.
All the rest in the world and our hearts is only ever a pale, destructive imitation which never satisfies.
But He does. And knowing Him means knowing that all this world really and truly is opposed to Him. So it shouldn't surprise us to find out that institutions of learning espouse philosophies which demonize Christians and refuse to even acknowledge God. Shouldn't surprise us that defying God is increasingly being celebrated and honoring Him is increasingly openly despised. It should not surprise us that even in the fellowship of those who profess to worship and adore and know the Father through Christ Jesus, there are many who instead are professing a false Christ and a false God, having feasted at the table of demons by receiving and devouring false Gospels which exalt self--excusing sin and denigrating Christ's work on the cross.
From the very outset, though, Jesus let it be known that there would be such deception as even to overwhelm and lead astray His very own people if it were possible: So very compelling, so very beguiling. Yet, instead, we are just as the disciples were--sent wise as serpents and harmless as doves into the thick of the darkness, where the gates of hell are not prevailing against us. We are sent to be salt and light in the world--a city set on a hilltop, for all to see. And whereas even as our Master was accused of being a demoniac, we should expect no less amongst the "religious elite" who do not know Him despite professing to live lives of devotion to a godliness which is yet without power. This, we can know from what He said and has recorded for our posterity. Even while reflecting upon the truth that though these same deceivers, who are themselves deceived, may perform many signs and wonders in Christ's name--even casting out demons, healing people, and who knows what all else?--that still, they do not know Him. Though they call Him Lord, it's actually a false Christ of their own heart's imagining that they worship, willfully.
I had been such a person. Consistently across my 20 years of mostly quiet occult pursuit, practice, and increasing involvement...(mostly quiet: given the one time it got back to me in high school that, "Neil said you could move things with your mind," I stopped blatantly incorporating others during my practices, until years later when my sister Amber came to me in Florida, unfortunately...)...I considered myself ardently seeking God, having "only" rejected the church. I was just seeking Him on "my own terms." Seeking to understand all of reality by attempting to discern the spiritual via any means which seemed to provide any solid foothold. Mysticism was second-nature. One of the latter pinnacles was to begin walking in open, non-conflicted awareness and practice of spiritual matters while in the throes of engaging the physical. Effectively and consciously engaging the spiritual according to my own understanding.
That's not a thing which ever is of God. The approach is defiant, at core and at every point thereafter.
Jesus made it explicitly, absolutely clear that no one...which means, "no person"...can come to God the Father except through Himself. Period. No two ways about it.
I didn't like that. And though I don't remember going through any direct rationalization against that statement...I effectively did so by choosing to pretend it was irrelevant to me. Just as we all see ourselves as "special exceptions," or "special cases," at times, don't we? Though on varied levels and by varied means expressed, I'm certain this isn't exclusive to Western ideology, since it's the very nature of sin--along the lines of, "Yes, I believe laws should basically apply to everyone, everywhere--to keep us all safe and well...but...right now, that's just so much of a burden to me. And maybe it doesn't mean quite what I think it would--surely that law isn't that strict. So it's probably okay if I just 'cut corners' right now--because, after all, I have very good intentions and I do have a lot of respect for the law, in general...so this should be totally fine."
Yeah, that's not realistic thinking when it comes to God's ordained order and sin's defiance of His will: We don't get to categorically pick apart the Bible and choose which verses apply at which times to which people, as though we don't also sit under the weight of the consequences of all the sin of those which have preceded us, as though the consequences of our own sin won't mar us and all those around us...all though defying God at any point by any one has somehow been excusable as a rational choice. Please don't misinterpret me on this--I am not saying this means that the Levitical code is something which God has called us to explicitly adopt for life, nor any other similar distortion of what Christ clarified during His earthly ministry leading upon to His self-sacrificial atonement for our sin. No, I am not saying that. For the whole of the Word needs to be taken in context of the whole of the Word, prayerfully, to see what it is which He has said about who He is and who we are and what that means.
Which recognition and understanding only comes prayerfully, along one's desire to know truth and His good gift of giving such a thing. This, as an open-handed perusal of His Word--rather than grasping to find means to justify the things our carnal, sinful natures want to do...like grasping for power, grasping for authority, grasping for esteem, for money, for love, for worship, for whatsoever else would put self or other human in the place of seeking and love and submitting to God.
He brings us to repentance though, if we desire Him, and delivers us increasingly to a clearer knowledge of His truth--which isn't unto position of greater self-exaltation. But of greater humility and submission: For knowing more clearly how utterly deserving of destruction we are, for feeling more acutely how sinful and fickle are our hearts, for knowing more clearly the abject truth of His purity and holiness, for recognizing more wholeheartedly the encompassing weight of His omnipotence and omniscience, unto also recognizing in context of these all that we are exceedingly less wise, less knowledgeable, less powerful, and less entitled to any good thing than ever we may have begun to imagine prior to such burgeoning realizations of the import of His glory and our defiance. Yet in context of reflecting upon Christ's full-atonement for us--remembering His mercies, which are new every day, and that despite the horrors of our defiance He is yet forgiving and interceding for us, too? More clearly recognizing this lattermost, above all--His faithfulness and lovingkindness and long-suffering graciousness to those for whom He gave His own life and resurrected to redeem out of our very defiance against Him--we would ever increasingly be destroyed of ourselves repenting in ashes as did Job, while all the more setting aside whatever might beguile and enchant us in favor of deeper devotion to the One who has secured our allegiance, our redemption, and our hearts for all eternity by His own blood, death, and resurrection, and who yet will deliver us into His presence at the end.
So...looking at what His love has been toward us--and that He desires truthfulness within us and amongst us, as we've been reconciled to Him in and through Truth...
...we can reflect to see that love doesn't turn away from or discard truth. Love does not choose to live in lies, knowing that deception was part of what cost our Beloved the cross He bore, to redeem and free us.
Many other things delight in deviation from truth, though: Imitations of love: Perversions and distortions of it.
But...I remember again more clearly, one of the endeavors I'd repeatedly undertaken over my prior course of defying God was to pursue what I considered "romantic love" as an ideal which purported vast potential of providing some lifelong personal fulfillment: Romance novels I read and Disney movies and fairy tales I cherished promised this, and held it out continually as a panacea for whatever ailed. And not only as panacea, but that someday, someone would esteem me above all others and would propel me to greater heights of self-fulfillment than ever I would have achieved alone. And I didn't care whether those heights consisted of pursuits along my occult lines as gaining deeper insight, power, wisdom, experience, and prestige spiritually, emotionally, and socially...or even if propelled as eventually considered: unto greater financial achievement, more esteemed social standing, or so on..
...regardless, the core desire in such pursuit of so-called "love" was all about self--to be exalted above all others, to be made more than I was alone, to be given greater power, stability, esteem, or to have greater means at my disposal for pursuing my own goals. As part of a duo. All of which is inherently opposed to God's love, thus is not in fact love.
Something which calls itself love yet which is wholly self-exalting and other-debasing--viewing other as a mere commodity--is diametrically opposed to the love Christ showed His bride. Which point of consideration alone indicates that any pursuit along such lines as those ones I had endeavored...is rife with sin--as leads ever unto consequences spiritual, social, interpersonal, and so on: Search the Scriptures to see all the many "case studies" we have regarding what sin reaps. One particular that has come to mind many times recently regards David's son, Amnon. We are told in the Scriptures that David's adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah had fairly direct consequences in the way his children behaved.
As natural consequences.
Israel and Judah's captivities were also natural consequences--specified as curses, such matters were recorded in the Bible's books of Law. We have been given a fair overview of how moral law keeping and breaking impacts us and our society and world, in other words. So again, the core of every matter's course is truly concentric about where our hearts and minds are in relation to God. As even the Levitical codes indicate the destructiveness of sin, distinguishing its deceitfulness and our total inability to be self-righteous--all pointing to Christ and our need for God's grace and mercies in light of the reality of our condition.
Jesus said all the law and prophets can be summed in saying that we are to love God with everything we are. And love our neighbors as ourselves--thinking more highly of them than ourselves, even.
Again--all of which is only possible when we uphold truth, as loving God means desiring to honor and obey Him such that we won't delight in things He cannot even look upon, such as sin. And dishonesty is something He does hate. Which includes pretending to be things we are not and pretending to believe things we do not believe, in order to achieve some self-determined desired effect. Trusting Him in the midst of confusion and proceeding regardless is a different thing. Trusting Him to guide and preserve and restrain oneself in circumstances which are fraught with potential for devastation and which are overwhelming--all while keeping in mind who He is and what He's said and praying He would help us to love those others He's placed us near in ways which honor Him, while seeking to honor Him all the while, as an active walk in faith as trusting He will do the things He has said He will--even if that He will be glorified as we believe Him? That is not walking in hypocrisy, because inherent that is the willingness to humble self as to be honest about such a vulnerability and trust in God. But determining some role to present of oneself--in order to attempt to do something we think a situation may require just to effect a particular, desired change in the situation or in people we're interacting with?--that's still another matter, entirely, since the reference point for all actions and thoughts are one's own understanding perception.
Just...love doesn't deceive. It submits to God and trusts Him for the answers. Love delights in the truth.
Love doesn't seek its own. But for the good of others. Love does not exalt itself and own desires for comfort, ease, security, worship, affection, or any else...but seeks that others would be served according to God's will for them, and not one's own transference of sinful desires onto another person.
So there is love for those who are not the Lord's. Yes, indeed. He loved us and gave Himself for us. While we were yet sinners He loved us and died for us. What and who are we to think we know better than Christ what other people deserve, of our time and lives?
If He ever leads us to lay down our lives for the sake of another, may He give us a heart full of love for Him and compassion toward them that would drive us to call out to Him for their forgiveness even as we perish, even as we also with our final breath would plead with them to turn to Him and be delivered from the wrath to come.
As He said...
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13
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