Sometimes everything seems so confusing to me. How ought interaction to be? What should I be doing with my life? Is my time well spent? Why are there not more people near? What is the appropriate way to air concerns about society and the world? Where is it most appropriate to plead God's Truth, unto the Gospel? Is it wrong to long for marriage?
Should I be able to disengage from my emotions well enough not to be affected by so many things? Should I be less open with my beliefs and feelings, in general? Or just more diplomatic, in discussion?
And it's just endless--on and on, concerned about what's right, what's wrong, and how things should be and be understood and undertaken.
Sometimes, turning those thoughts toward the Lord--asking Him for wisdom--He grants insight, or peace, or clarity. But sometimes, the need to just submit everything to Christ and seek Him and take matters one step at a time is all that's realized.
I want very much right now to be able to have absolute clarity on the particular matter of how to have godly interactions with my brothers in Christ. That is a point of sorrow, really--wanting there to be some way to have nearness without emotional developments. And it was pointed out to me a couple months ago (or maybe one month ago) that I don't experience that sort of emotional development with married men, so the same should be the standard unless a man is actively, openly pursuing me--having stated his intention clearly.
That sounds great. Because that is the case, when it comes to married men--there's something different, internally, as response. But then, in general, there's really sparse interaction with other women's husbands, except for in very specific, fairly stringently controlled contexts. So, possibly that is a vital difference--preventative measures, given an the overarching revulsion for known adultery? And I don't usually interact much with men now at all, on the whole--maybe that's also of real significance?
Maybe the fundamental need really is for guarding my heart more closely, to prevent a turning in such a direction? It has been recommended that allowing too free a range of motion for thoughts is problematic, on this front: that it's needful not to even allow for considering the possibility of potential developments, period, unless a man has outright expressed interest.
Which makes sense.
I just need prayer on this front? It's so much easier to just be withdrawn and reclusive and quiet, than to interact and continually battle such things--which makes me wonder, then, if it would not be better to just be always quiet and withdrawn. Maybe that needs to be the case for me--very guarded interactions, largely distant. Because anything more generally seems beyond my ability to endure, of temptation to think more of interaction than is the case. Maybe this won't always be so. Whatever would be more honorable to the Lord and others is what I want.
This dual-nature of life, of the already and not-yet, is so trying at times. If thoughts weren't so self-centered, so humankind-centered also, this wouldn't be as confounding. But life is proceeding, in the midst of the world. And until He opens my eyes more clearly to a better way and liberates me more completely, I will continue to strive in the midst and against temptations.
If I walk in the Spirit, I won't fulfill the deeds of the flesh. I know that, yet again and again, I find myself wanting to walk by sight, rather than faith. Despite also knowing that endurance, perseverance, overcoming, and thriving in this world are not by my own will, nor by my own strength, but by His Spirit. So, again and again, I find that if it weren't for Christ's shepherding, I would only ever stray from Him, and remain astray. Rather than pressing on, fixing my eyes on Him, continually, for He truly is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Last night, after months of wondering (without searching the internet, obviously), the verse which I've been commingling with one of Isaiah's finally crossed my path again. Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength... Isaiah 40:31
...those who know their God will stand firm and take action. Daniel 11:32
Consider this, in light of Paul's call to stand firm, to the Ephesians. We are to equip ourselves fully with the knowledge of our God, ensconced in the sure battlement of His name and all accompanying armors which such knowledge as yields faith amply supplies. Every bit of us is fitted for war by Him, and all the more, the more we grow in our certain knowledge of who He is and what this means, on the whole and toward us in particular, who are saved--saved and adopted according to His good pleasure, to the glory of His grace. We are indeed fitted to stand firm and take action.
Alternately, another verse which has reverberated through my mind for months and yet which has only just crossed my path finally this week is Jeremiah 5:31. Again and again, "and My people love it so," at every turn for months.
Reading through that chapter in Jeremiah, though, is like being raked over coals, somehow. This is us, too. And we have loved these things, just as much. Neither the rich nor the poor love justice nor truth. All of us, turned astray.
Except that He has saved a remnant, eh? As He always does. A people set apart for Himself--of no merit, of our own. Nothing to boast, save His mercy and love, save Christ Himself. We are none responsible for receiving favor.
And even as it is the sluggard who says he can't go out to do business, because there's a lion in the streets (Proverbs 26:13)...this actually has become so, as a judgment (Jeremiah 5:6). Remaining indoors will not spare a one from God's sight and recompense, as He ultimately gives that which was made an excuse as the actual accounting.
Again and again, He gives us over to what we want. Except that He were merciful, we would all be consumed, even by our own lusts.
This is such a terror to me, to recognize. God has been mocked by man, though not mocked--none can truly break His bonds. None can truly say that He does not hear--Him, who made the ear; nor, than He does not see--He, who made the eye. He has spoken, twice I have heard this, that power belongs to God. So, though the people of the nation said there would be no judgment, that God's Word through His true prophet/s would not come to pass, but would be of nothing--His judgments are sure, and they did come to pass, are coming to pass, and will do so. His will is done in all the earth.
So, too, that the speech of His chosen ones...is as fire, and those who hear and have mocked Him, dry kindling. They will be set ablaze, an inferno. Though in their rage, there will be an end of utter darkness--weeping and gnashing of teeth.
These are terrifying things, to consider. If they aren't terrifying to you, I fear for your soul. He is mighty in power, awesome in deed, and He will receive His due rewards, and will be glorified in all the earth, and in all His creation--though some will stand as fitted for His wrath, this is even to His glory.
Fear Him who can not only take life, but condemn the soul to hell.
I saw an image months ago, circulating, which gave a very basic and yet precise assessment of a modern development--man attempting to usurp all God's creative power, remaking himself alternately, and the result is one of such absurdity that the image comment author summed all by stating such grotesque attempt at appropriating what was truly elegant in simple, God-given design is in itself so blatantly absurd in contrast as to constitute nothing short of an absolute divine comedy, tragic in the extent of the disparity from what's attempted. This is always what we fall to, when we forsake Him, when we refuse Him. We are given over to degradation and desultory declination, having faltered from our foremost calling--to honor and worship our God. Increasing, are we given over.
And we are feasting, now, on judgment. Drunk on the cup of wrath. Seeing the effects, the outworkings--flagrant in all ways, in all spaces--and utterly blind. Hearing the sounds of a tumultuous gathering--not quite sounds of rejoicing, nor quite those of war, but horrible, ill-formed, maladapted--and we are deaf.
He reveals our hearts to us, as we mirror one another, and yet we refuse to see. He blinds our eyes, giving us over to the judgment we yearn to embrace.
It's gut-wrenching to watch, still. Heart-rending.
Grief upon grief.
In the midst of all though, those who are Christ's will increasingly revel in our death. For, if we are His, we are dead indeed--dead to sin, dead to this world, dead ultimately to our flesh and desires. Living only unto Christ. We died with Him, as He died. So, too, we were raised with Him, as He lives.
That was made so much clearer to me, earlier this week. I was recounting with a friend the abject treachery which was my life, before Christ plucked me from the fire: in more depth than usual, though. Pacts had been attempted, on my part--pacts, to obtain a spiritual end, forsaking my own soul. As though it were mine to give.
Even though I didn't follow through on continuing in what I had requested to receive, shortly after I'd come to know Christ, a collection was attempted. It was terrifying, and I was helpless but to attempt to hand over what was bartered. But in that instant, and only then, I was made aware that there was nothing in my possession to give. All which was mine is in Christ, now.
The one who made the pact is dead. Wholly dead. Never to be resurrected, having died in Christ, with Him, as He took me on in bearing my guilt and shame and wrath and rejection and punishment--satisfying all in full. I died when He died. When He satisfied that debt, I was set free--He put sin to death, on that cross. So it's now given that, by His Spirit and with His aid, I can choose to honor and obey Him, loving Him as never had been the case before.
I am not who I was. Even as, when He resurrected, that new life was also given to me. I live because He lives.
Same for all, in Him.
And that's everything. Period. End of story.
Whatever comes, He is worthy all our obedience. He has borne, He will sustain.
In Daniel 12, there is statement that the people of God will be delivered in the utmost of the judgment--whether immediately before or during, I still don't quite understand--for just a moment yesterday, it seemed "before," but now...I think perhaps that was not an adequately founded conclusion. God's people are not spared from the suffering, on the whole: Not spared from having to depend upon God for every provision, moment by moment. But there is a sure deliverance, always. He will preserve us. He has borne, and He will carry.
In light of all this again, the idea of marriage seems so far-fetched for me. Though my heart yearns for that companionship, especially to be spurred on in seeking God and to serve along that course (dying to self in a heightened way), I can't fathom meeting a man who wouldn't be a stumbling block to my faith: put another way, I can't fathom meeting a man who is interested in me whom I would be willing to submit to and be led by as wife. Especially with divorce rife as is now the case, this seems inconceivable. Divorce is not an option for me: from what I read in the Scriptures, marriage is God-given and not be broken by man--if "set apart," then only ever to be reconciled or remaining alone, otherwise adultery occurs. Hosea was a good example of this, particularly: Marriage still foreshadows Christ's taking a bride, as an archetype and example to the world of this. So, I could neither consider divorce as an option (unto marriage, no matter the cause), nor be pursued by someone who has divorced.
So, regardless of the longing for marriage (one of my foremost, or it wouldn't be so often revisited here), there's no reason to believe I will ever experience that in this life: Forsaking Christ isn't an option. Sinning against conscience would be doing so, in no small way.
My life is no small reason to believe it all impossible, besides.
I was told a bit over a year ago that if I wanted to marry, I'd have to basically let go of some of my religion, and just do the things other folks do, as pastimes. That seems ludicrous. If I were to set aside Christ to secure a relationship which is primarily desired as a means of drawing nearer to Him, that would be lunacy. Just as, if I had to sin against my conscience by acting against what I read in the Word, as a means of entering a relationship which I would entertain only to be led in the Word of God, I've forsaken all sense.
So, I'll just wait and seek Him. And the things which don't make sense, which I don't understand nor know how to go about, tend to become rather small when considered as so fleeting in context of the greater narrative of God's will being done in all the earth.
Whatever, then. Whatever comes or goes. He remains the same. All the reason more to seek Him.
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