Emotional Falls

There is a not-insignificant amount of time spent praying about and meditating upon right relationships with others, particularly men. I do still hope to marry someday, although recognizing that's in God's hands--grateful to know compromising what's important will not be permitted. 

How is it that we are supposed to interact, honorably, though? I falter, again and again--eventually realizing I've entered situations (so, my own fault) where I've inappropriately shared of myself: saying too much of too intimate a nature, for being outside the bonds of a committed relationship: To forge a significantly private, exclusive emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex without intent except to know them deeply is a degree of intimacy which really belongs in marriage, in my estimation. And yet, that's not something I had really recognized before. 

This has been a problem, for me. I am kept by the Lord, though--increasingly recognizing He has ordained that there are levels of intimacy which are appropriate in various circumstances. My problems seem to center on undue emotional intimacy outside the bonds of marriage, and particularly when a man has not expressly made his intentions clear--I have entirely rapidly assumed intentions, without commitment backing them. So encouraging a continued deepening of emotional connectedness, without spiritual overseers giving counsel to both on the matter...is a far greater problem than I had understood. I think I get that now--it's really not okay to interact very extensively with a man, privately, at great length and depth, unless he has stated his express intent to pursue me, to my elders and shepherds (since there's no familial oversight, that is). Because it's one things to be friends, but friends interact passingly if emotional integrity is going to be preserved: friends don't constantly interact, and persistently share the deepest griefs and hopes, and friends don't anticipate seeing one another unduly, either. But I find myself completely incapable of remaining emotionally untouched, when there's too much receptivity and especially not where there's mutual, intimate sharing of self. 

I had been warned before that emotional intimacy is far more intimate than physical intimacy, and to eschew it apart from marriage. But that just sounded so...laughably hyperbolic to me. Because emotions and connections are considered so trivial these days, for so many reasons. However, perhaps one reason we are told to guard our hearts so diligently--as out of them flow the issues of life--is that as we give our hearts over to illicit affections, those issues from our heart will all be tainted by that spiritual infidelity. And when there's undue emotional intimacy, likewise will relationships, in general.

Maybe things will be better now--I hope and pray the Lord will give me grace to just not be bothered of all this again. This has been a hard wrought lesson. I think I get it now. Problem is, in the wake of these sorts of matters, vultures tend to gather. In any case, I'll have to trust the Lord to guard. 

Sin is such a wretched thing. Even without any act, it just...taints everything. And it seems...so acceptable, sometimes--socially and even religiously. 

But as far as my convictions go, it's one thing to have familial love and concern, but healthy natural sisters and brothers don't hang on one another's words, and they don't spend inordinate amounts of time in continual dialogue. Or, at least, not the ones I've seen. I'm still learning.

Maybe this is one area where my own convictions and needs do differ significantly from others, due to the lifelong patterns of sin, and traumas? I'm not sure. Because sometimes it seems the idea of men and women being deeply intimate as "brothers and sisters" without sinning against one another or their (present or future) spouses (even if as the Lord)...really is another area where over-realized eschatology has provided a stumbling block for many, instead. Since, of all the sins, the one we are most told to flee from is lust. Which, physically speaking is a perversion of a good gift from God, in keeping with the perversion which is emotional infidelity--these follow course according to Divinely ordered progression, yet these are intended to be kept sacred, knowing deeply and being known within the bonds of matrimony. 

Yet, if we're engendering the sorts of emotional intimacy appropriately intended for marriage--interactions continually intimate and private, with a truly constant stream of mutual engagement at increasing depths of personal intimacy...that's not merely dangerous. Feelings are invested, intimacy grows. That is infidelity, I believe. And I have failed at this. I think I see this, now. I share far too much. Far and away, too much. 

Which realization in present light makes all the more apparent that mutual sharing of self should definitely not take place constantly, and especially not privately. And then there are some things, like prayer, worship(music), and Bible study...which are just too intimate to engage in as a uniting effort, or otherwise falter emotionally all the more (last week has given undeniable testament to that as fact, in my own heart at least). 

It seems I gravitate toward acting part of the role of a wife in terms of sharing intimate thoughts and drawing them out of others, despite not even being courted. I fail God, myself, and others in doing so. So, I am not going to use nor be used to gratify the emotional and relational needs which are rightly fitted for a spouse, alone, any longer--as God gives me grace, and I trust He will. Good intentions which would ask otherwise of me, regardless the rationalization, attempt to take more from me of what has been wrongly given--such intimacy and accord has not really been mine to give to anyone other than my husband. That is sobering. 

I've been so wrong to give so much of myself, so liberally. This space...in light of that...I will trust the Lord to guide regarding. Entries like this one are not the norm. But confession is good, at times.   

I keep thinking, too--I cannot consider it appropriate to continue in a situation which, for me at least, was made to seem safe and appropriate based partially on the thought that my presence was desired as a matter of preliminary courtship. There are too many who take advantage of my vulnerability as a single woman lacking familial structures, and unfortunately I just keep thinking things which aren't okay are surely okay. The whole of matters are dishonorable, in any case, on all sides. And there's grief, on many fronts. 

But such is life. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. 

I'm grateful I do have the counsel of some who are wise and godly men at least, to refer to in the midst of difficulties. It's just...I have not been as connected on that front as it seems I ought to have been. Rather, I've erred again. 

I should know better by now. But this has been life, again and again: others wanting the benefit of my company, in any intimate way, without being willing to act honorably toward me (and blind to it, even--just as much as I should have known better than even to take part in such dialogues and the like). Instead, I'm emotionally and relationally as a temporary wife--to discard or minimize (or, terrible thought--use to supplement) once a woman more desirable is identified. The grass is always greener. And then still, there are times when there's such blindness as to ask to continue such intimacy even after someone else is being pursued. 

Again, this is where I now recognize it's significantly my fault for being far too liberal and presumptuous and even forward in interaction--for inciting matters at times, idiotically...not having so fully thought through this before. 

Or maybe I just continually forget? And think things will be different. 

Either way. It's wrong on all sides. I can't take all the blame, but a large part is mine. Maybe...this time is enough.   

There should not be private conversations held extensively on deeply intimate personal thoughts and experiences, is all--not apart from a real commitment. I learned otherwise from the world, but I think the Lord has finally gotten the reality of this through to me. An actual, spoken (to my overseers) statement of honorable intentions is necessary to even begin that sort of interaction: Intentions can't be assumed based on actions alone--there has to be both verbal profession and action in agreement. Over time. It's not enough for matters to just be fleeting. I've learned the hard way, too, that no amount of enthusiasm in profession makes any difference apart from actual, longstanding commitment. 

I keep wondering too, if there's any inkling of the thought of what it would be if I were their wife--would these men so content with private dialogue be accepting of the same situation from me as their wife, if it were another man with whom I was interacting as has been the case? I think that does need to be considered, in general--if I were married, would my husband be confident in my faithfulness to him emotionally, if I was having the conversations which had been taking place with another man? 

Which means that if I am blessed to marry there's grief upon grief for having been so unfaithful...which will still be the case, in terms of what had ought instead be devotion to the Lord, if it's only ever before the Lord which I've so faltered. 

The level and type of interaction is a huge deal. Another thought is--would I shrink from the extent and contents of a dialogue being openly known, if the man were a married man? And would his wife would be grieved or upset by the extent and nature of interactions? Then those interaction are wrong. 

For now, I can certainly attest that I would not be able to stomach my husband interacting with another woman as it's been. So shameful, then. Add to that, music has a way of creating an intimacy that is another level for me. And, I am not that woman any more--I don't have to live like this, blind to these things. I am wretched for having ever been so blind, but even as the Lord has convicted and granted deeper clarity, I will trust Him to forgive and to sanctify me. Such shame though--something the world would scoff at, to think of all this as shameful...such things as the world thinks are not even worth considering. But these things are shameful. Which I will commit to Christ, certainly humbled.  

So another, if less drastic, misstep: I am so bad at these things, people things. In the midst of everything else, I've definitely faltered more slowly and less extensively on this front, this time. I'm just grateful to see more clearly now, even knowing I can only cast myself on the mercy of God and hereafter refrain from continuing in what I know to be wrong, to be sin--trusting Him for the grace to rightly divide His Word and discern what is good, and all the more, to do it.