We live in a world tainted by sin. And even aside of that, there are specific ways which God has ordered for matters to operate--when they do so rightly, there should be no surprise at that.
Interaction between men and women is so fraught with difficulty at this point. Frankly, I don't know that matters are the same for all, but based on what I read in the Scriptures, noting even how Scripture makes sense of my experiences and observations...I have to conclude that it is, and various of us are just aware to varying degrees.
Going to start with this--one of the largest fundamental matters the Lord has been helping me to learn is this: men and women are not the same. Period. Both human, significantly different.
Even saying that sounds weird, though--the fact that men and women are different should go without saying. And maybe at some point in history that was so, but it's not the case now.
A deeper grasp on that matter was afforded last night, in context of being able to differentiate from how I have been living, still operating according to false notions.
Women are not "feminine men." And men and women are complementary, not the same. Pretending otherwise really does do absolute disservice both to men and to women, because it reciprocally implies that men are only "masculine women." Not so. Even at the genetic level we are fundamentally different, so why should it be a surprise that there are actual differences in our beings, otherwise?
Dealing with that on all fronts is beyond the scope of my concerns right now. Suffice to say there are differences and denying them is denial of reality, living according to a willful delusion. Period.
I've spent enough time laboring under that delusion and bearing the brunt of the grief that results from doing so. For it is sin to live in a way that is a denial of our inherent, God-given nature--we are missing the mark in more ways that one, at that point. If we love God with all we are, we will strive to lovingly know and live according to His ordained design, as to please Him. That is love--self-denial on account of the Beloved's good desires and will for us.
I am not "a guy." I am not "one of the guys," and to act otherwise or be treated as such is a disservice to my God-given abilities and nature...and not only that, but I am not innately capable of being "a guy" nor being truly regarded as one: elements of interaction always make this plain.
Men and women were created as the pinnacle of God's creation--in His image, to love and walk with Him and enjoy His companionship, in obedience and deference (rightly so, being our Creator). Women were created for man, to be his helpmeet and particular companion: One suited to him, for companionship, because "it was not good for man to be alone."
Things are so wrecked right now, though. Women and men have both been brainwashed into thinking that women should do all the same things men do, and have been convinced that there's a need to stay single for longer and longer--because no one knows what they want, ultimately, except for the grass being greener on the other side of the hill (or on the television, or even in just being single and "free" for life). Folks don't want to commit, especially in a world where the implementation of global technology has indeed made it seem as though our options are endless--why commit when there may be someone "better" just across the next page?
So many things like that. On both sides. We've largely become "commodities” to one another, in other words.
And we all lose: Sin, denial of our purpose, wreaks havoc.
We know that God does ordain that some would have another purpose--Jesus said some were given the role of eunuchs, never to marry but to remain chaste for life, instead.
That's not most of us who are single, though. Most of us who are single are experiencing the ravages of sin--others and our own.
I have long labored under the delusion that I could take care of myself, could make my own way in the world, didn't need anyone else, and could do anything I put my mind to--that I was completely equivalent to any man, and could live my life as though a man. I was raised to be a man, but used as a woman.
The latter part is what's such a point of grief. God has made us to be cherished, guarded, protected, kept pure. Not to be used and then pressured to "toughen up and take it like a man."
..
I've had a couple of folks in the last few years who have told me at times that men and women process things entirely differently, and laboring under a lifetime of being told otherwise and believing otherwise, it had made very little sense--not even while seeing and experiencing the evidences.
My affections become engaged when there's significant time given to communication and time together. That is not necessarily the case, for men. And, frankly, I had lived in denial of this and suppressed the truth of it for many years prior to coming to Christ--being conformed to the world, willfully. I experienced fallout from that, with all manner of callousness and difficulty with self-expression and connecting meaningfully with others (can only connect as deeply with others as truth runs toward oneself and the world). Depression was a near-constant companion, in addition to other matters of trial.
There are evidences in each of us of the ravages of sin, as such. Just...what they are and where they manifest may be significantly different. Even if as a blind rage toward God, self-possessed as cold disdain.
I had started a Voddie Baucham book about marriage early this year, and one of his points of discussion really struck me, along all these sorts of lines. He was talking about how his daughter was not going to have a close friendship with a man until she was being courted to be married, and even that would be strictly dependent upon his oversight and vetting of that man's intents being pure and honorable unto marriage. This, in context of noting that he wasn't going to let her put herself in compromising positions and experience the ravages of sin, which is heartbreak: being emotionally intimate per having a close association with an unmarried member of the opposite sex happens because we're geared toward pairing up, we're geared toward attraction to the opposite sex, and we're created to pair with another.
That's how men and women work. Period. Acting like that's not the case, for any reason, is unto sin by suppressing truth and leaning into circumstances which will ensure temptation.
And which temptation is it we are told to flee?
Just the one. And it doesn't require physical matters, according to Jesus--if it's been a matter in our heart, we have faltered.
So we destroy ourselves and one another pretending there aren't differences. Women are inclined toward having deep affection toward a man, and men...seem inclined toward having a woman defer to their authority and honor them. But without the right commitment in place as part of that relational circumstance, it's sinful--there's just using one another. And it's especially bad when there's that sort of emotional situation with many, profligate.
This latter is so much the case these days--such worldliness once more on a global scale that the emotional polygamy and polyandry is now becoming publicly acceptable in open practice once again, as physical reality too. Sadness.
It’s a multiplication of idols.
So, then...this is not by any means thoroughly presented.
Just...I am not a man. I am a woman, with a woman's desires and inclinations and hopes and dreams. And to act otherwise or have these matters ignored is not appropriate, in terms of the types of interaction toward me.
I have not had anyone in my life to direct me in how to guard myself in these matters, but I've been used and dishonored enough at this point, not having sense nor guidance to help me navigate righteous interactions. But the Lord has helped me to understand better now, though through more pain.
I am not having private interaction with single men any longer, unless they have expressly indicated their intent to court me. I have been foolish for thinking that was something that would not affect me, for thinking it was somehow okay (and moreover, for assuming private interaction was indication of such intent). I was called out on the disparity between recognizing consistent private discussions and interactions are intended solely for within an express context of courtship and actually holding all circumstances to that standard, rather than assuming things were going to be okay. I still didn't quite understand—if there’s no overt expression of intent despite ongoing pursuit of my time and company, I am being used.
The world presents things as though there's no harm in a private, intimate dialogue which takes place apart from the oversight of our shepherds. The world is wrong. So many of us have fallen prey to that lie.
So few of us have godly guidance.
A man has no business consistently contacting a woman privately for social calls, without having express honorable intentions of pursuing her toward marriage. It is completely expected that to do so would be considered an expression of intent to court, and the honorable thing to do is to also involve the woman's headship for oversight and permission...to ensure everything proceeds in a way which is honorable.
Some of us don't have sense when it comes to these things, for having lacked any semblance of direction in life. And especially for having taken the world's lead with these things. Which...at this point, the world considers physical intimacy a prerequisite to emotional intimacy, so if we're all going to follow the ways of the world (and the Lord tarries or doesn't intervene) we'll be in that same place in the church in a couple more decades from the looks of things.
How about no? How about we just stop now, and guard one another and honor one another and respect one another as God made us to be, now?
No more going all over the world by myself, I think. There really is safety in numbers. And especially as a woman. Maybe, Lord willing, I won't have to do things alone any longer, having my sisters in the church.
Otherwise, I just continue winding up in situations which break my heart, being too unguarded, assuming things are okay because surely the guy who's interacting so intimately with me must be affected the same as me, because of the emotional intimacy of exchanges. Apparently not, though. And that's a problem.
Because emotional intimacy is rightly reserved for appropriate circumstances. When it comes to unmarried members of the opposite sex...that's courtship, but even there with boundaries.
No more extended, private conversations with single men who haven't expressed their interest to their/my pastor and received blessings to court me. I have no interest in private conversations of that sort, as it always tends toward being used to gratify a desire for attention and illicit emotional exchanges, regardless of intent.
Moreover, I am not going to be treated as a surrogate wife any longer--if a man wants my especial attention and close communication with me, privately, then he is not entitled to these apart from the appropriate relationship. I'm loathe to even admit having been so liberal with my affections, but grateful the Lord has convicted, clarified, and is delivering.
No more. It's destructive to all of us and to all of society to act that way.
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