Years ago, another blog was devoted to trying to sort out the incoherence which is modern romance--what is love, and what is it to love and be loved, romantically?
That seemed the end-all, be-all goal on one front, in life: to find someone to share the experience with, proactively as a parter. The thought of having a husband has always been overwhelming, despite finally reaching a point when I can maintain eye contact while speaking of being a wife. Hopefully, Lord willing, someday.
But though that relationship is intended, when God-honoring, to mirror in a way the pristine devotion to the Lord--in all purity and holiness--there is a definite limit to the extent which that reflects what it is to love and walk in fellowship with the Lord. The extent of the union is moreso what's reflected--a wholesale unity of heart and mind being pursued, with devotion and all charity toward the beloved. Again, in God-honoring relationships.
Which is where things go awry in trying to find an understanding of love in the world--it's all broken, selfish, short-sighted, objectifying, and many times defiling. So, in essence, the so-called love touted by the world is not love at all.
There was a purity and abject joy at coming to know and love Christ Jesus, upon first revelation of Him and the beginnings of understanding Him. I couldn't have enough time away to fellowship with the Lord in prayer and through readying and studying the Word (by various means) and in worship and being under the preaching of the Word, and so on. The delight of my heart was to turn thoughts toward Him and experience the nearness of His presence.
I remember an initial point of realizing that it was possible to draw nearer to Him and experience a deeper measure of the peace and joy of His presence, and that likewise there were activities and even thoughts which would desensitize me to His presence. I remember wanting so diligently to turn from whatever displeased Him, overtly, as to maintain that close fellowship with His Spirit--always testing, even so.
Jesus's love for us is far beyond what any of us would begin to muster. I am aware of that, even if so blind still, so I am not by any means saying that my love for Him has even been on that level of purity and holiness, unwavering..
...but there was a depth and intensity and focus before, and a delight and joy in Him as most beloved, which has grown cold over time. So many distractions.
It's loathsome to admit. And I know the whole of this could be so confusing to anyone who doesn't know the Lord--well aware of it, but with that as the case then all things are dark, regardless (nothing clearly seen and understood). But I agree with the Lord's assessment that I have grown too lukewarm and need to divest of more distractions. I have been caught up in too much of the world's goings-on. And too caught up in byte-sized snippets of information, destroying my focus and discipline.
So, for love of Christ, I am turning (with His help, by His grace, according to His Word and conviction of truth) back to seeking Him more wholeheartedly, to grow in love and grace. For He is worthy all devotion. He is worthy ardent pursuit.
He laid down His life and paid our debts. We owe Him all. And not just that...but He is precious beyond measure--absolutely wondrous in power, kindness, love, and all graces. Our God is amazing, and He deserves and warrants abject love and devotion.
So, that is our first love--to love Him, first and foremost with all we are. And from there, rightly fixed and focused, we can then love others rightly.
I've heard it said, and it has been a continual refrain since--this year, let the focus of our hearts be to return to our first love: Jesus Christ. With all ardency of affection and honorable pursuit of understanding. All else we need will fall in line, if we do just that one thing. He will guide. Trust Him.
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