Figments of Fidelity: On Attempted Reconciliation and Communication in the World

And, as with my family, if I can't have interactions founded upon and centered in truth...but only ones which are destructive...then, except the Lord were continuing to hold me still in the midst of that utter discord...I've pleaded for truth, I've pleaded for reconciliation, I've pleaded reconciliation with God above all. And have found no room. 

The Lord described explicitly the course of steps to take in seeking to make amends when someone has wronged us, in Matthew 18: we go to them privately. Then, if they won't deal forthrightly, there's the discussion with another present. And ultimately, if that's not received honorably, elders are also informed and brought into discussion. If there's still no honest reconciliation, the relationship has been lost: all space for intimacy and trust has been eroded and ultimately denied, the bond of perceived fidelity has been broken without recourse. We no longer continue in close quarters, but are made strangers.  

In that course, always the one with the charge against the other directly confronts the one considered at fault. Always. That's a directive from God. Moreover, seeking amends must first come before God, or "vertically," before then being undertaken with man, or "horizontally"--otherwise, though there can be some peace attained, the depth is only as deep as the true love of truth upon which that relationship is founded. 

Moreover, honesty is central, in all things--truth matters, absolutely. Being honorable by addressing one's concerns via directly addressing the person with whom concerns rest is part of right, honest dealings. That shows respect for the person, without which the relationship is already evidenced as dysfunctional. 

Apart from respect and honesty, there is no grounds for trust within a relationship--this is the core issue. Without those as central in a meaningful capacity, smoke and mirrors are in play...figments of fidelity arise, but betrayal is a core dynamic. Which is where relationship largely develops and persists, within the world--except that God is so merciful to allow retention of fragments of fidelity in some: fragmented echoes of what we were intended to be, created to be. Yet even those echoes are sin-stained and wracked with selfishness, blindness, deafness, and deadness of heart except to self. Unless God changes our hearts and gives us new ones.

I am so grieved there remains such a hardness of heart and a refusal to receive mercy, all in all. Having present knowledge that people whom I love dearly choose condemnation rather than to humble themselves before God (if they should lose life now there will be no room for excuse, the condemnation chosen would be final)...I am so grieved. I have pleaded every way I know how, and then some--but by grace. I always wish I better conveyed the reality that my pleading of that point was a factor of the depth of my love for them. Love without truth at the core is not love, but some manner of gratification unto destruction. I love these people too much to give soft platitudes. And not every word has been harsh or as bold as what I'm writing here, but somehow I suspect those are the only words which will be remembered. All the more to grieve.  

Knowing this, especially knowing how worthy God is of worship, knowing how full of love and mercy He is and how wonderful--still, how can I not openly and continually plead with people whom I love dearly? Continually. Even if I am never able to speak with any of them again, after tonight, these things needed to be done. 

God is absolutely worthy of all love and worship. Death stands as evidence of the horror of sin--we sinned and wrought death and disease, a testament of the judgment to come with hell as reality consequent humanity's refusal to live according to truth, love, and righteousness. We have refused to do what we were created to do. We have thumbed our noses at the good, the great, the holy, the wise and loving, the righteous and gracious King of All Creation, who rules eternal and sovereign. 

To have defied Him is wretched beyond comprehension, in that He is good and worthy of all obedience to a degree which defies our ability to grasp or even approach unto understanding. 

But instead of dealing honestly with reality: dealing honestly with ourselves and one another, having refused to deal honestly with our Maker and the Sustainer of our lives...we focus on trivialities, frittering away time as we rush headlong into judgment. 

So, I am grieved on so many fronts. He is so worthy of worship, obedience, love, and fealty. Jesus, our God and King, is so worthy. We have all failed. We deserve His wrath, His righteous wrath. And especially neglecting so great a salvation as He has wrought through humbling Himself to take on flesh, living righteously as we had ought, and then offering Himself up to pay our penalty, even into death. God did all of that. So that His perfect justice remains unmarred yet as mercy has now been secured, at the cost of His own life and suffering. Mercy always comes at a cost. It is never free, though He freely offers it now, would we just deal honestly. With ourselves and with Him. 

And one another, ultimately. 

Being unable to convey the significance of all matters of late to my one dear friend...this absolutely devastates me. There is no way, I have found no means of communicating those matters which are at the core of all the late. There is no place from which to build, though I will still try as long as the Lord gives leave for communication. Loving people always seems to hurt so much. And I can't even go to where the rest are--I have been clearly warned not to do so. The consequences have been explained very clearly. So as much as this hurts, on all sides, compared to the shipwreck which would be the case if I didn't heed this warning? This is bearable.

That's the thing about love, too--the painful things are undertaken for good. With measured, considered process. The world mimics but does not know self-sacrifice on these lines. To say no to those who are dear, to speak hard truths plainly with great grief for having done so? Having weighed the matters and praying for guidance afore and during.

Not as though I haven't faltered, as well. I have. I wish there were room for reconciliation on all fronts. But there can be no reconciliation where there is no regard for truth and no humility. So, I'll make my peace with God once more, and continue to weep and plead with Him, that He will be merciful. 

Truly, friendship with the world is enmity with God. We speak different languages, though the words may be the same. This grieves me as much as anything--I long to be able to speak plainly, but even doing so, there is no hearing only response. Perhaps I cannot speak any longer.