Funny, how sometimes the Lord restrains particular sight and hearing--from seeing what displeases Him, hearing what dishonors Him. And other times, restrains according to other intentions, too. I've seen and experienced each, many times--but by grace.
And then, it's interesting to remember--the Lord, Himself, disappeared in the middle of many a crowd who had convened solely around Him.
I just fail and fall prey to dishonoring Him so often. Like, even being once and many times grieved at the callousness and wretched degradation done per frivilous words and careless actions, then I'm still no less subject to falling into the very same mire except that the Lord continually rebukes and restrains.
I am very grateful He corrects me, is all. Even as it's so much better to be utterly humiliated in the presence of beloved others than to end up continuing in a path of mockery or depravity or deceit or any else, unchecked, unawares.
And mockery is every bit as ruinous as all the rest.
Even as:
Proverbs 17:5
He who mocks the poor taunts his Maker; He who rejoices at calamity will not go unpunished
...which goes much further than mere mockery, yeah. Even especially if you take a broad survey of quite all the many things which constitute poverty: financial, circumstantial, spiritual, intellectual, physical, or any matter in a state of lack. There are even who are poverty-stricken as regards fellowship or as regards understanding. And, personally, I'd far and entirely rather remain financially strapped by the western world's standards than live in abundance and be poverty-stricken of conscious reliance upon my God and Savior. There's no contest. And if it would so simply gain me greater knowledge of and intimacy with Christ--then, dear Lord, let me possess ever less of the world's favors.
...and of the latter part of that verse?
So much--so many things: woe unto us who are esteemed in our own eyes.
Yet of the other:
There's a weird sort of balance with humor that honestly still scares me, when it comes to personal endeavor--probably because of how far I'd fallen in regard to humor, prior to surrender to Christ: Humor so depraved that people (one in particular, though it had distancing effect on others) stopped speaking to me as a result of particular "jokes."
That's bad. Although I experienced remorse, even then, all the more is my current desire to completely avoid such a wretched, latent tendency--it's assuredly still there, within in some way.
Which...along that line: I'm so very, very confused about how things work regarding tendency toward particular sins. The whole "new creature" thing is totally legit. And yet, somehow, I'm still tempted by things which used to rule my life--even if the temptation itself is now deplorable, then there's still somehow, somewhere in me a part which is tempted. Despised as sin, and yet still tempting. How does that even work?
And I've been attempting diligently to ignore my body for...oh, going on three years, now?...but there are still sinful impulses--like to overindulge in food, to smoke cigarettes, and so on, as from before--which manifest unto temptation, still. And unto faltering, lamentably. But the Lord increasingly gives ability to ignore temptations while becoming more desperate to honor Him--unto an increasing sort of deliverance. Just, the presence of these temptations is a point of despair. I do not want to be tempted. Yet I can't run away from everything and become a nun and expect that would put an end to temptation (though I have been tempted to attempt that route, for sure--even unto research).
My relationship with the temple has never been so good, is the thing. Before, there was a lot of abuse along all sorts of lines. Wretched, horrid, deplorable--both endured and willfully entered.
And except that Jesus bore my shame, took my sin, made me clean...I would still and continually castigate myself, endlessly.
But He's been working on that, lately, too....much to my consternation: I haven't wanted to cease despising myself and loathing this body given unto death. Which...is all entirely wrong-headed.
(And in the midst of this, please excuse me for being contradictory while taking a moment to thank the Lord for assisting and directing in means by which to somehow release a point of nerve...occlusion comes to mind, but that's weird...nerve-whatever that's been present for maybe ten years?--since the fall from the balcony? In process of releasing this whatever it was, numerous other things have been relieved: I can breathe freely again, my inner ears are unstopped for the first in at least four years, my range of motion has been increased, and I have a very strong impression vertigo and other matters related are going to clear up significantly. I'd had no idea how much my range of motion had been impacted, no idea how much my breathing had been influenced, no idea I'd been so restricted for so long. I'm so grateful. It doesn't even seem real. Oh, thank You, Lord!)
So, yeah. Pain had been a thing pursued, even willingly endured. If nothing else, even, pain and death were continually entreated per such reckless living as had been the case prior to surrender to Christ. That lifestyle was a matter of trying to control things, despite being so out of control. And rather than constituting any actual attempt to do right or good by myself or anyone else, life as it was before--including attempts to do "penance"--was always only varied methods and manners of despising God: Continually abusing and defiling the gifts He's given.
I don't want that, though. I don't want to dishonor Him: not per interaction, per humor, per the way I carry myself, nor per the way I regard and care for the gifts He's given given. I do not want to defile, degrade, abuse, despise, or even neglect the gifts He's lavished. So there's a deep contradiction in the way I've been regarding myself which need be brought into the light, unto subjection to His will:
If the body is His temple, and if I revere and love Him, then I'll cherish His earthly dwelling place and care for it as a cherished blessing. And though I have no real context for even knowing how to proceed comprehensively, the Lord has codified His Word...and given His Spirit to guide and teach...and also given fellowship with others who know Him, to help.
So, although I'm really struggling with this one--I'm confronting a lifetime's worth of delusion concerning doing things utterly wrongly and destructively as pertains to caring for myself...I trust Jesus to help me navigate these strange waters.
This, now recognizing that part of my disdain against the temple comes from being incapable of either counting myself truly separate from the flesh or of bringing it into absolute conformity to God's will. As I've not been capable of exacting my will in full, expecting somehow my own will to be right or good or sufficient still, in this matter, I've instead continued to subtly despise my body, even per attempt to totally ignore my own needs.
I am not separate from my body, nor am I independently capable of initiating absolute conformity to God's ordained uses. Yet, being Christ's, nothing which I am is my own--all which has been given me is only given as unto Him:
A living sacrifice, now. All things. And He will complete the work He began.
He has purchased me with His blood:
A holy, incomprehensibly merciful transaction--taking my filth and depravity upon Himself and paying the penalty which I never could have satisfied, paid in full...while giving me His own righteousness and counting me justified before God--once, condemned by my own actions...now, a child according to His own good will and love toward me, through Christ.
Incomprehensible. He has done this. For all who receive Him. For all who will.
And yet, for all who would.
For the sins of the world, John transcribed.
So, given what Jesus has done to save me and make me His own...plus, given my love for Him...
....who am I to despise anything of myself--whom He has loved unto death, so to make clean and pardon?
And who am I to despise any of that with which He's blessed me?--even now, His Spirit has made this body His own temple, ever remaining with me.
Would I despise Him, still?
No, never again. So, all I have is to throw myself completely on His mercy, yet again--having no idea how to proceed, no idea of a way through, but knowing He's capable where I'm completely bereft and where there are no ways through. He is the Way.
I've spent so long living as unto death. Wouldn't it be far better to increasingly recognize my own death completed with Christ's, thus to ever more completely now embrace the life He's so graciously given?
He's been my only reason and means of living, whatsoever. But living at a bare minimum for survival isn't what He's ordained: living without rejoicing isn't what He's called me into.
He's called me into a life of rejoicing in His love, relishing His gifts, and embracing His purpose--one step, one moment, one breath at a time. Always only one at a time, to rejoice. As never, then, to esteem the gift over the Giver, but to continue to walk in the light of recognizing His glory revealed per each gift and unto each moment--ever growing into a deeper and more complete (though eternally pursued) knowledge of Jesus Christ and His love toward those who have received Him.
I can't make this to be so. I can only recognize He's calling. And upon that awareness of the matter, He thereafter supplies realization of the need to make my requests--even with rejoicing.
Without such prompting from Him, though, I'd still be entirely bereft and utterly blind even to my own need for His ongoing deliverance. And I'd still be utterly deaf to the cries of others beseeching me to seek Him. Except for grace, except for His continual intervention.
He is so gracious, though. Exceedingly. Incomprehensibly.
And if I were to think on some of the things it seems He's maybe, somehow, kind of, possibly?...orchestrating...I wouldn't be able to think at all.
Just incomprehensible.
And yet His mercies are new every day.
Much love to you, in Christ our Lord.
Grace and peace.
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