Always.
In the moment necessary, the provision is there. Precisely as needed, in precisely the right moment, to an extent beyond anyone's ability to have conceived of anywise apt request as would yield such encompassing fulfillment as He yet ever provides. Over and beyond our ability to conceive.
I must obey the Lord. In the small things, even as eventually unto the big ones. No matter the reproof. No matter the reproach. No matter the indignation. Nor the offense.
Not willingly nor willfully inviting any such things, nor entering under them intentionally. But accepting them without ire or indignation or resentment when they do arise. As they do. Par for the course, is all. And even without expectation, yet just to note the frequency of occurrence.
One thing, however, that has been duly noted as increasingly brought to my attention...it's not in and of the one who so responds, most generally. We oft know not which spirit we are of...often, we don't. Except as we entirely rely upon Christ, abiding in Him unceasingly...unceasingly. ALWAYS abiding in Christ, without ceasing...ever. Not for a single second, nor for a fraction of a second.
Who, of any of us, as achieved that point? How many truly aspire to? How many are as yet even come to a point of realizing it something to be aspired unto, let alone as to even so venture?
There persists that odd disconnect, within so many of us...wherein we believe in the existence of God, believe in the existence of Christ, and thereabouts have a loose belief in the existence of a"spiritual" beyond our sight...one in which God dwells, and in which Christ is literally enthroned, and in which angels do tread as well as demons. But.. ...there's a disconnect.
We believe in the existence of all else which is, yet which we don't physically observe (generally speaking)...but we have a hard time accepting that all those such things are continually involved in the perpetuation of all which passes, visibly, around us.
Believing God is sovereign, yet having a difficult time conceiving of Him actually being in any way involved in things sovereignly...let alone sovereignly involved in everything which happens. There's yet a spattering of that tendency in me, too, and I have to repent every time it arises...most generally, at present, evidenced in a persisting tendency to want to become apologetic over the state of certain things in the world, in terms of God being sovereign and "yet things are this way."
That's blasphemous.
Horrendous.
God IS sovereign. Nothing happens except through Him or by His will. He has allowed us to exert our own wills. We...allowed Satan to usurp our authority by succumbing to his temptation into self-idolatry. And we yet perpetuate that tendency. Which is the why of the state of things. God allowed us to rebel against Him. He permitted it. And rather than destroying us at that very moment. Rather than destroying Satan at the instance self-idolatry arose and was indulged in his own heart...God has allowed his and our continued existence. Despite it being in defiance of Him. Despite it being in rebellion of Him. He's permitted us to live. And, not only to live, but to experience moments of goodness, regardless. Grace, y'all. The rain falls on the just on the unjust, alike.
Some things even just have to be accepted. As what-with God admonishing Moses, when he started forgetting the distinctive holiness of God in truth, during discourse...He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy. He's supreme Creator and Ruler of the Universe...it's entirely His prerogative to refrain from allowing us to know anything in regard to why He does anything He does, and yet He has let us know some things. Because He is good.
I just...I keep thinking, too...some of the things...maybe I do sort of invite derision, sometimes. Confessing things to folks which are derived from my own tormenting judgments of myself--given that such things are points of internal conflict only ever settled into peace by very prayerfully discerned consideration of the Bible, as opposed to emotional snap-judgments of snippets of text (as ever begets anxiety unto self-torment)--would perhaps mean that the confession itself is made in such a way as to imply judgment as necessary. And tendency to torment myself yields to preference to receive the brunt of expected judgment from others up-front, rather than to then allow myself to construct greater and greater expectations of seething derision festering over the course of an acquaintanceship, without such a point of initial focus. Exorcising my own demons is trying enough, without having to deal with the ongoing possibility of those of others randomly slashing out in rage, wholly unexpectedly. Which...there's no guarantee that anyone would actually "judge" or "attack" according to the standards expected. But...it's expected. And has happened, many, many times without my pre-emptive confession of all my perceived ills. So...must get past that tendency...
All, by the grace of God.
...we all struggle with so much, is all. And I'm just not oft capable of much any more than precisely what the Lord has allowed onto my plate at any given instant (even so "limited" as what-soever I'm "dealing with" may seem to someone else). So, trusting Him, I generally speak whatsoever feels urgent toward maintaining internal peace. Which somehow often tends to incite external attack. Just, such attacks are always most difficult to bear when couched in Biblical terms. Because so very, very much along those lines is yet so very emotional--so much is yet so very tentatively grasped, having only been barely perused for comprehension. I have the most difficult time refraining from not responding in a wrong spirit, in those instances because those such attacks are still the most violently unsettling, persistent internal attacks (thus, instance of attack by others means the attack is perpetuated simultaneously internally and externally). Plus, the direct correlation with pursued knowledge of Christ means a the topic is ever that much closer to my heart, thus more potentially painful...and thus the most apt to yield unto rage rather than continuation in love.
I've never received a rebuke from the Lord which was mocking, though. Mockery isn't something which He does, from what I can tell. And...I'm not easy to deal with, when I'm wrong and need correction. I'm just not. I will not be moved by mockery. Not even if it's only of a single word given in along the whole, through such a spirit...then, still, the entirety is rejected, as in a false spirit.
The Lord knows how to correct me, and He does. Often. To the extent that grief beyond comprehension is periodically yielded for the depth of regret and of grief over having so erred. For having been brought to contrition.
...but He gets me to that point through love.
Not through mockery. Not through pointing out how utterly worthless I am. Not by bringing my attention to how completely errant I am, exclusively according to delineated standards as interpreted by man (as opposed to revealed by the Holy Spirit).
But by bringing me into a deeper realization of His love, of His goodness, of His righteousness, and of His holiness...thus casting into a sharper relief particular aspects of my wretchedness, unto repentance for deepened love for Him and desire as to be conformed to Him.
I had really thought that so much of my tendency to self-mockery and self-derision and self-torture had been eradicated. But, now... ...if the doubts I battle, when shared with others, can then yield to mockery...?
...being mocked is never pleasant--whether internally or externally perpetuated. Just all the more prayerful, then, so as to open to further flaying.
But rather to get it out in the open, than to allow festering, usually.
And I've mocked others, too, is all. Not aware until much later how entirely hurtful, senseless, and malicious were my words. ...if and whenever such revelation has come. How many times have I been so needlessly hurtful of others, without even knowing, ever? ...and so thinking, periodically did I perpetuate a needless tendency to "keep myself in place" by continually mocking myself, internal. "Keeping myself in my place."
How twisted is that? I rationalized it as healthy, for so many years. Past the point where I had ceased receiving the mockery, external, I continued the derisive diatribe internally, so as to keep myself from becoming hopeful or happy or expectant or proud or...howsoever else built up into thinking myself good or worthy or worthwhile. To the extent that, at one point, when everything in life had just become wholly uncertain...I clung to someone who began to be that voice, externalized, again. He mocked me, openly, in front of his friends. Telling me and them how worthless I was, while he ordered me around and kept me in perpetual silence under perpetual threat of verbal or physical reprisal, should I speak or even give the appearance of response. It helped, receiving it externally.
Rather than continually internally.
Not that I in any capacity recommend that course. Abuse is abuse, whether internal or external, and it's not tenable. The Lord did not and does not intend for us to be so bound. Surrendering to Him is the only peace I've ever known, of those voices...to any degree.
Just, I was so lost, back then. That relationship lasted from the time I was 16 until I was nearly 22. And it did become increasingly violent, as such things are wont to do. I know what it feels like to be tazed. I know what it feels like to get to the point where having someone scream over you that your life is in their hands, and no one would stop them from killing you should they so choose...as a large, blunt instrument is held suspended over you, with threat further implied as per the words...and to feel absolutely nothing, then. To have been choked so many times, threatened so many times, hurt so many times...that it no longer mattered. Death was just accepted, staring it in the face as it screamed and railed and threatened to strike with further pain.
I thank the Lord for having been spared. I know I wouldn't have been, even as by my own hand, had He not been with me, even then.
Just...still, to now detect that same voice of mockery in myself to any extent, as evidenced by others, then still lingering, still dogging my trail..? The Lord will deliver.
Lashing out at others usually does indicate pain. Unsurrendered pain has a tendency to yield to various bits of malice. The Lord has to take it over, otherwise pain becomes a playground for dark influences.
A foothold.
No more. By the grace of God, then no more. Just...it's amazing how much love can do. The love of Christ. In us, through us. Love delivers...covering a multitude of sins, even.
There are just so many ways of looking at the same thing, is all. According to psychological tendencies, according to sociological principles, according to neurological bases, according to personal predilections, according to social precepts, according to Biblical standards, according to general tendencies, according to personal motivation, according to spiritual concepts, according to overall design, or howsoever. Point being just that there are fairly endless numbers of ways of understanding the very same thing, even beyond taking into consideration that each individual is going to have a slightly different perspective on each and every of those such understandings.
We all always assume that anything which is "straightforward" can only be interpreted one particular way.
...for instance.
You know what they meant. They meant that the Lord can help us, that we need to surrender our worries to Him, rather than allowing them to bring us to a point of complete collapse. And given that the words were actually put on a sign-board, given that the most ready 'misinterpretation' is so flagrantly derogatory of the church...it's obvious there was no awareness of that blatant dual potential for interpretation. They obviously didn't intend to say to passers-by that the church would gladly help kill folks.
Communication is like that, though. All the time, there are shades of meaning which are just wholly lost to one another, which we're completely incapable of even conceiving of as being existent...differing interpretations which are so innately different from our own that we can't even begin to comprehend their possibility. Assuming that our own interpretation is wholly valid, and the only one which could readily be reached...because "it makes sense," and whatsoever we were interpreting was just so "completely straightforward" that there's "no other logical interpretation."
...just, no.
As another instance, in regard to hearing...just spoken on the radio: (and initially misinterpreted) "Gilead was supposed to have a 'bombed hill'"
...or, more correctly: a "balm to heal" ...discerned as the proper interpretation given the incomprehensibility of a "bombed hill" in context of a Biblical discussion regarding Gilead, as otherwise generally referenced for having a balm which is healing.
But...for someone unfamiliar with any reference to a "balm in Gilead?" The prior interpretation may have been the only one which remained--never understood, thus all else said would have been overshadowed by confusion.
And, had it been in context of a conversation, rather than as overheard on a radio program...who's to say how long it might have taken either party to have discerned that fundamental misunderstanding which would have likely built into a complete disagreement? Might there have ever come a point of realizing there was a point of misunderstanding?
Often there's not a point of realization. Often, there's a perpetual assumption that all terms spoken are understood according to their intent, without regard for the other person's differences in perception thus understanding. And, in matters such as Scripture...where multiple applications can aptly be derived from particular individual passages, or to even vaster application as taken in tandem with whatsoever correspondent passages are suited to an instance... ...who's to say what would be apt or errant application, ultimately, except for the author?
Which, again, comes back down to a twofold application: Scripture to interpret Scripture...and the teaching of the Holy Spirit, who indwells and leads believers (as according to Scripture). Three testify on earth--the Spirit, the water, and the blood.
1 John 5:5-8
5Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God? 6This is he that came by water and blood, even Jesus Christ; not by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit that beareth witness, because the Spirit is truth. 7For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one. 8And there are three that bear witness in earth, the spirit, and the water, and the blood: and these three agree in one.
So, even taking into account a "principle of first mention" to a passing degree...as within this bit of scripture... ...water is birth, renewal, and otherwise mentioned as the Scripture elsewhere in the Bible... ...blood is life, deliverance, and that which purifies us into Christ--by His blood... ...and the spirit has always been the Holy Spirit, as I'd read it. Even as our own conscience, our own spirits do testify to Christ, upon conversion. But perhaps before, as well, even in opposition then also drawing attention to the Lord by the course of being opposed?
Just...it's still a tripartite nature of witness. It's not restricted to the Bible, exclusive unto itself...as the three agree, in one.
What methodology takes God's nature wholly into account, is what I'm asking. By what course can man fully accommodate for any potential interpretation which the Lord might designate for a given instance, as to have adequately permitted for discernment of the Holy Spirit's directive through methodology, so as to have then remained valid exclusive of actually relying upon the Holy Spirit...as we are so continually wont to proscribe and prescribe so as to "interpret" and "apply" Scripture?
I have just been trying to comprehend, for the past many months...how to account for doctrine, in terms of interpreting and applying Scripture according to the Biblical necessity of being "led by the Spirit." And, again--as of last week(?), I've come to terms with the fact that doctrine does certainly have a place and inherent utility (come to terms with the fact that God will use whatsoever He will, when and howsoever He will, as to manifest His will...and that those ways and means are inclusive of varying things which are yet, in and of themselves, inherently restrictive)... ...but I'm still struggling with a means of bridging the gap between a complete reliance upon doctrine which inherently restricts ever-adaptive application of Scripture within the whole of Its own context as more aptly is described in "being led by the Spirit."
Because, to look at one point exclusively as applicable to a given instance necessarily, by explicit implication, excludes other points which are simultaneously potentially applicable yet counter-indicative. One point of example along this line would be given in consideration of the offices and gifts given by the Holy Spirit.
They're in the Bible. So, if you believe in the Bible...if you're taking God at His Word...those things are inherently implied as relevant points of process in the due course of discipleship under the Holy Spirit...regardless of whether they make you uncomfortable in terms of exceeding "natural" reason...in terms of exceeding the bonds of what can be explicitly described according to our own methodology, without overstepping the bounds of our place as subjects to God (as to this latter, this is precisely concerned with folks taking on the mantle of having begun to decide who receives which office and to whom is given any particular gift, as "methodologically determined according to some natural means of determination"...which describes a method in opposition to the idea of the Holy Spirit ordaining such things, ultimately, as a pre-emption of His own designations).
In other words...
...why are we so utterly opposed to actually "letting" God be God?
He is, regardless of what we do. So, why do we continually decide to pre-empt and attempt to describe Him better than He described Himself? ...why do we continually attempt to pigeonhole Him?
He is perfectly capable of doing everything He ever said He had done, does, or will do...and He will ever do the things which He so does. Regardless of what terms we attempt to describe for Him, so as to operate in accordance with. Methodology does and always will describe some aspect of that very nature and tendency, as within us.
To any extent which it attempts a personal note upon interpretation, any amount of doctrine has and always will also wholly entail a certain attempt to put one's own fingerprint upon the very nature of God, also.
Which is what so confounds me, and why I struggle to read doctrine. I understand it, but...and this is pride which I absolutely must be rid of, as the Lord helps..
...doctrine enrages me with indignation, in many instances.
Not all doctrine, no. But...some things...
...some things are absolute joy to read, as such blatantly humble attempts to approach God in terms which attempt to, in such feeble-minded and worded ways, just approach His glory as a means of trying to further glorify Him in the lives and minds of all who so desire, seek, love, and long for Him.
A lot of doctrine, though, is just "I understand all of these things, and so this is my far superior means of relaying them so as to delineate in an utterly stringent and encompassing way things which far exceed the common man's ability to even begin to comprehend these such things, such that as the Bible is beyond their comprehension, then so they may read my means of having construed it in more linear terms as to allow the application of these terms according to what had ought be most generally known and applied, to each and to all."
Which...I will learn doctrine. Not that I want to. Because I don't. But...I have to get over feeling that I need not learn those such things. Pride is such a nefarious nemesis. Loathesome.
Just...knowing for the sake of knowing. Understanding for the sake of understanding. So as to broaden the scope of potential dialogue. Being humbled in such a way as to be able to do so.
I'm not good at being wrong. I'm not good at being right, either.
But the Lord will help me. He'll continue to humble me. Necessarily so.
We all need humility. Love dwells there.
Love is everything.
The more He shows that, the more the wonders thereby become evident.
Love heals, where naught else can even tread.
...which is wherein I so desperately need the Lord to further humble me and keep me humble. My tendency toward myself...and thus to others, too (which is perhaps moreso a problem)...
...is to rush in where errancy dare make itself apparent and go all "HULK SMASH 'WRONG' THINGS!!!" on the person.
As opposed to...oh, say...loving the Lord, loving the person, and just listening? ...and letting the Lord lead thereby, thereabouts, and ever onward? Period.
Given that...experience has shown, both on the giving and receiving end...that no matter who is "right" and who is "wrong"...no matter the Scriptural foundation of such assertions unto rectification of perspective or action... ...the "HULK SMASH"-technique is not effective. (Except as the Lord may choose to use it, in instance, as is wholly His prerogative...granted...but, as a general rule...or... ...okay:) as pertains to myself, that technique is not workable. Neither given nor received. What it tends to, when received, is to remind me of how absolutely atrocious I am and how deserving of utter turmoil...which is all entirely self-centered, ultimately, thus detracting from any growth or deliverance by directing my eyes away from the Lord...as it takes me further back, then into the tendency to try to "keep myself in my place," which is always under someone's thumb. Or, under everyone's, really.
Because, then it becomes a point of course that given everyone else is so far superior to me, I am obligated to injure myself further, emotionally, as to remain entirely subjugated to the will of others, thus adequately subservient to them. As completely demeaned beyond the point of being worthy even of consideration, let alone worth being spoken to...and doing whatsoever mental gymnastics are required to remain in that position of subjugation.
Completely demented. And it's still pride, just turned in upon itself...because it keeps focus entirely on self. Torturing self, granted. But, still...wholly focused on self.
So, being mocked lends itself toward reigniting that tendency, in earnest. Being scoffed at and derided--in any capacity--catalyzes that process unto explosion, unless shelter in the Lord is sought at the outset and ardently retained.
Just...for having lived many years constantly attacked on that such front, as a personal attack, unto completely being stripped of personhood (you know, restricted from tending to personal necessities which make one "socially acceptable" just as a means of exerting dominance, for one thing--restricted from personal hygiene, in other words...and, further, rebuked even unto physical injury for daring to so much as speak--not even to speak in defense, or in opposition...just to speak, whatsoever...attacked at random times, for just being so foolish as to draw attention to oneself by making noise...thus, leading to perpetual silence, rather than to invite the potential for attack, knowing it always possible...knowing it always forthcoming, just never knowing when or on what count...or even whether anything will have even been a trigger, as attack might just randomly occur, as it often did, without warning).
Why did I live with it for over five years? ...even moving cross-country into a point of further seclusion, under those conditions, knowing it could only get worse in so doing?
Looking back, I know I just didn't see an alternative.
I'd been so used to random verbal and physical assaults, already...though to lesser extents, honestly, (except for the ones perpetuated against myself--I was much more brutal than anyone else, until finding that relationship...it was almost a relief, having the voice externalized, rather than having to continue to perpetuate it within). Being "kept in my place." Which was always such a strange thing, given a simultaneous, non-negotiable, external expectation that I must excel beyond all of my contemporaries.
So, on the one hand: Don't dare speak: to be noticed is akin to begging for punishment.
While, on the other hand: You must outdistance the successes of all those around you. Period.
Living with that dichotomy of thought, ever-present and increasingly persistent? Being able to finally reach a point of externalizing it was a blessing. He took things to a point where all I had to do was exist. And barely even that. Just work, do whatsoever was required of me--whatsoever new machinations of subjugation were wrought, submit to them silently no matter how degrading...believing they were all deserved, utterly. And naught else. My grandmother was the only one I was allowed to maintain regular communication with. Everyone else was off-limits, except for irregular points of contact which were generally also reason for punishment.
That was living in terror, most days. Going to work, never knowing when he might show up, but knowing it always a possibility...and that if I was observed talking to anyone I'd ought not, or smiling to anyone it was deemed wrong so to do, then there'd be punishment waiting. He did tell me he'd find me and kill me, if I ever tried to leave him. He told me that, so many times. And that if he ever saw me talking to another man, he'd kill him, too.
That was kind of a daily thing, for a while. And never knowing when he might show up. I worked two jobs to support the two of us and his best friend. And took care of the housework. And usually did whatever cooking was required. ...although there wasn't a lot of cooking. But, then again, I don't really remember a lot, either, as to what went on. Just that it was an every-day thing. Every day.
And I got wrapped up in some serious bad business through various connections forged over the internet. But, then--again, spending a few years developing means of communication which was entirely encoded? When your life depends upon secrecy, as far as even being able to communicate whatsoever...that position affords a depth to necessity which takes the entire schematic to a different level entirely. Both wrought of the immediacy of need for so doing with utmost brevity and also unto multiplicity of meaning quickly conferred along indeterminate layers, yet as jointly determined and comprehended, thus ever to further degrees of freedom of expression as the manner of coding developed with continued use, as to allow for ever broader realms of expression betwixt the never-broken lines of multifarious, interwoven and interweaving connotation. A single, unending, unbroken, ever-deepening conversation, in other words.
Whereas some folks have "inside jokes?" ...which beget inside jokes... Or, as with twins having their own language, wherein presumably it operates along the same lines--they determine their own meanings both of words, syntax, and reference. Thus using the "same language" as everyone around them, but in such a different way as to be completely incomprehensible to anyone else.
There was so much. So many things.
I just... ...I can't talk about some of the things I've seen. I can't talk about some of the things I've experienced. For a variety of reasons.
I used to. I used to speak fairly indiscriminately, sharing certain things with folks who were confindants/es. Which, given what may have happened had I not shared certain of those prior things...I thank the Lord I was indiscriminate to that such degree as to have shared, whatsoever. Even as it did entirely bring home the point that certain things just must not be indulged into confidence with another.
Which, with as open as I have generally been on here, that may seem a strange notion...that there are yet other things, beyond those shared, which are beyond the pale for any disclosure.
*sigh*
I'm still coming to terms with the fact of that. Just...sharing certain things ends up inciting responses which aren't pleasant. Perforce of what the nature of the disclosures are, if for no other reason.
Same as with sharing the Gospel, along one vein. To do so completely indiscriminately, without the prompting of the Holy Spirit and the guidance in speech...is to not only open oneself to disdain, derision, mockery, and abuse...but almost to invite those such things.
this world and much of WHAT is in it...not "who"..."what"...
DESPISES Christ.
Utterly despises Him. Flagrantly, unabashedly, wholeheartedly and with every ounce of their such spiritual being.
Because He is who He is. He is Lord of all. He is King of Kings. Nothing can change that. Period. And certain entities utterly loathe that fact. To the extent that the mere mention of His name is enough to incite the deepest rage unto verbal and even physical assault. ...the thing is, though...unless the Lord allows those such attacks, they can't even touch you. Period.
And if He were to allow those such attacks, there is assuredly some higher purpose to them, to His glory and our good (in terms of, say, stuff like Paul being martyred: not only did that mean he was immediately present with Christ--such a blessing!--but his martyrdom, and the martyrdom of other apostles, is actually present-day used by some as a means of establishing unquestionable logical proof of the truth of the Gospels).
The only safe place is in the Lord, is all. The only peace is in Christ Jesus. The only deliverance is in His unwavering, infinite love. He IS all, in all, and there is no place else for peace or hope or joy.
There is no other salvation.
There is no other power, ultimately. ...no other authority. As, ultimately, it all derives from Him.
So, those who would prefer to be gods in their own right do despise Him for their sheer inability to be separate from Him, ultimately. They resent His sovereignty, as they covet it for themselves and yet can do nothing to gain it.
Same as I loathed the thought of Him being Lord. I despised even the consideration of it.
The point which ultimately, finally, given through grace, came to realization of through revelation of the Holy Spirit, as to be free from that...was that HE IS LORD, regardless of how I would feel about it. Resenting it was pointless, and yet there was that which remained...that voice which was full of loathing, speaking so boldly against Christ's Lordship...despising it...
...without ever even beginning to allow for consideration that, regardless of how it might be resented or coveted...
...that still, small voice whispered "Christ is Lord, regardless."
And that still, small voice makes sense. He always makes sense. And any time there's question, any time the discussion concerns something which requires testing, for requiring action and requiring commitment...beyond the norm...then, that still, small voice gladly refers to Scripture, comprehensively. Not just one passage, generally. Not exclusively to one idea, but to a variety of them.
I used to spend hours, quizzing...just so fearful and afraid to trust. Putting everything through the utmost rigor of examination and cross-examination and re-examination, again and again. Not willing to accept anything except that it be taken forwards, backwards, up, down, sideways, and through the wringer over and over and over again, without any deviation whatsoever and unto further breadth of encompassing message which consistently referred to Christ as Lord, prior to accepting even the most minute idea. For months. And, even now, in so many ways.
Always asking. And always asking for further reference. And always asking for cross-reference. And requiring that they all align, referring to Christ.
Even as I've wandered more now, too, these past few months--looking into a broader scope of ideas and ideologies again, yet through the new scope of recognizing Christ as sovereign, through the new lens of having received deliverance into His kingdom. And increasingly coming to trust Him to keep me, as I learn everything, again...all of it new, as recognizing everything in terms of how it relates to Him.
He prepares us each, is all. Allowing us to go through whatsoever we go through, as to be drawn to Him, then to be empowered for His work, to His glory.
Just...I still don't know what I'm doing, whatsoever, except seeking Him. I'm so weak, in terms of what the world views as strength. It's a good day when I can be in public for any amount of time without having to literally flee to solitary prayer, as to evade sheer panic. ...despite that, somehow, for years I'd worked myself up to the point where being in public didn't result in panic attacks...that, for years, I'd even gotten to the point where I would intentionally go to be amongst crowds as with Mardi Gras, just to disappear in their midst. Same as walking down unlit streets at 3am, by myself.
Being one with the darkness, becoming a part of it. I was more comfortable in the shadows than in the light. More comfortable with the things that hide in shadows than those which hid in the light. To a certain point, the things which hid in the shadows ran from me...although that edge was almost never pressed. Yet, it was so.
Same as, even with the fellow who beat me. Twice, over the course of the relationship...I got to the point where I was sick of it, and overpowered him, and just held him down until even the rage abated in the face of his being completely incapacitated from motion. Twice. The second time, so much more obviously done that the first. The second time, I completely pinned him to the ground. After he'd attacked me, I flipped him onto his back, and pinned him. Much less muscular than I am now, even. Not even outweighing him, then. Just...I did it, regardless. And held him down, as he further raged at being held captive.
The adrenaline which a person gets when they're backed in a corner is usually something to behold, really. Completely unleashed, unreasoning...rage beyond reason. Unchecked by the constraints of logic, freed into the sheer strength of absolute reckless desperation as to regain freedom.
He couldn't move.
So, how twisted of me, then? To have continued in that situation.
For as strong as I was then, in dominating whatsoever realm experienced, all the weaker now...for seeing and having known the things. For having only made ways as to cope through means which were ultimately destructive. For having made compromises of self to whatsoever was necessary just to survive a moment, without thought for the impact on anyone around, self included.
To hospitalization, after hospitalization, after hospitalization.
Just...it's all the more humbling to look back, seeing how utterly reckless and self-destructive and arrogant and inconsiderate and thoughtless I've ever been...to see all the pride and the anger and the lust for power and the self-idolatry and all else which drove me...even seeing the attempts at love, the striving for peace, the desire for truth, and the yearning for fulfillment... ...all so misguided, so utterly, completely oblivious.
...it's all the more humbling, to see all that, and have been blessed to receive Christ's love.
To have gone from the unbroken mentality wherein the unspoken was "so, you think you can break me?...well, watch and see how much better at it I am, than you--I'll break myself into a million pieces before you've even thrice stabbed my heart"...to have gone from that to one wherein, yes, there's still pride which need be further surrendered and eradicated, as the Lord provides...and, yes, there are still moments given to self-torment, as the Lord yet guides me out of that prideful, defeatist mentality...but, now, given moreso to love and desire to see others delivered further into His love, even as desire to further know His love continues.
There are so many, many things. So I can't, thus I won't be anyone except who I am. Even as I can't entirely explain myself. And won't. Despite that many times it may seem as though a ..fair to middling job of that's somewhat accomplished.
The Lord will do as He will with me, as with you, and with any of us. So, even as I'm yet struggling to surrender some of these long-persistent, baser tendencies...just to see them, to have been reminded of them...is such a blessing, as knowledge of their presence does empower to pray for, thus receive, deliverance.
The Lord will use whatsoever He wills, as to bring each of us to that point. In whatsoever capacity, in whatsoever instance. To each our own, as the Lord leads.
I'm always rather astounded at how things which are intended to very specific ends are taken by the Lord to yield completely different results. And, just always to further surrender to His good and gracious will and being and love.
Surrendering to love is so completely difficult. Refusing it because "I don't deserve it" is every bit as prideful as would be refusing it because "I don't need any more than I've already received," though, so I'd rather go forth with surrendering ever more fully to His love. It heals.
Nothing else did.
Years, years, decades of therapy and dedicated self-analysis according to such principles as are the norm in psychological circles, unto "healing" did not yield the wellness which less than a year of time spent ardently pursuing Christ has so done.
Even as that's not pridefully said, given that I'm well aware that, except that He keeps me...except that He sustains me, moment by moment...I would be less than a quivering mess in the corner, yet still.
Just...those are the options. It doesn't seem like most folks end up in that particular position, wherein it's either "seek the Lord first" or "live in a hospital, because it's not possible to even make it through a shopping trip without having a nervous breakdown." Which...if it weren't for the stark clarity of having realized that latter eventuality a couple years ago, I'd not have been considering willingly becoming homeless, as to hitchhike the country. ...when you get to the point where, no matter what you do, everything falls apart...and no matter what you try, you just aren't capable of keeping yourself "together" for more than six months at a time (unless massive quantities of alcohol are being consumed, which then extends the span to anywhere between one year and 18 months--no more, though)...
...when you get to that point, in any capacity, and then find something which not only promises peace but actually provides it, in good measure, continually?
It kind of changes everything. Including all perspective of what "normal" is. And of what "sensibility" is.
To the extent that, even over this such short span of time as it's been, walking with the Lord...I've already, time to time, taken it for granted that "stability" is a thing in my life. Because it's become so "normal" to be able to just be okay, no matter what is going on.
Despite that my youngest sister--the one person who was able to talk me out of a suicide attempt, year before last (although she wasn't entirely aware that being on-call, 24-hours a day for three weeks was precisely accomplishing that end)...the one person to whom I'd been able to turn, emotionally and spiritually and mentally, since and even somewhat during the abusive relationship, continually as life fell apart over and over and over again, for the past 15 years...the person who, yes, there has been some turmoil with before, but who has been the continual family in my life aside of my grandma, since mom died.. ...despite that my youngest sister started flinging malicious insults at me, without any natural cause and without any natural explanation, entirely randomly in other words, this past summer. After the point at which we had all finally come to be in a place, living near enough to one another whereas we could finally spend time together regularly again... ...then, without warning renounced all family.
Despite that happening this past summer. And being unable to talk to any friends from New Orleans, really, given that my relationship with Christ has now made it impossible to be able to be completely open without completely offending them... ...and yet being open with them, regardless, perforce of the abject necessity of proclaiming the Gospel to them, explicit, as knowing they must come to know the Lord somehow or be lost forever (yet refraining from saying everything I wanted to every single time, just so as not to completely invite absolute rejection of the all)...
So, despite all that...
...and then, having family completely become anxious over everything with my sister, to the extent all and sundry were terrified to their core of what was going on, terrified utterly--with good reason, in all honesty...
...and simply having to remain steadfast in the face of knowing the justification of their terror yet refuting its stake. Having to boldly profess the Lord, regardless of appearances, knowing it the only way to maintain sound life and limb of those concerned...
...and going to church, to any church which the Lord allowed, every night of the week when possible...so as to just be able to maintain any semblance of sanity, in the midst of complete chaos--no one to speak to, nor to turn to, except the Lord. Doubt on all sides, else, and what attempts were made to consult with pastors yielding little else than being referred back to the Lord.
...and having begun much of all this course in May, having been struggling for months over not having an apartment nor even a room of my own, continually battling the indignation, the fear, the self-loathing over the state of such a thing, while having Matthew 8:20 become persistently obnoxious (after having lived an entire life without ever having heard the verse, then to just wander across it and become wholly unable to get away from it--even now)...while knowing the need to "Wait...just wait..," despite wanting "stability." Then, to hear my grandmother had been placed on Hospice care, with the expectation of her passing within days...
...so, rushing cross country, to find the first degree of persistent, all-encompassing peace in nearing the area. Despite circumstances. Peace. Even as the trip somehow was made to coincide with my sister's first visit to the area since having left in 2008, and to hear her family profess the same peace--then, so deciding all to move, if the Lord willed. To retreat to our respective states, prayerfully agreeing to move, if the Lord willed.
...then, to return to Florida for two hectic weeks of ridding nearly all my earthly possessions in various directions (some of which, most of which, to my sister). As to return to prepare the house for my sister. Then, so beginning, to have traveled with my dad to Kentucky upon having lost a cousin to suicide...and assisting in all as possible, even unto prayer.
...then, returning to Virginia, to learn my sister's husband had lost his job the day of return, and they were without transportation and means to even get groceries. So, then to prayerfully drive to Louisiana, thanking the Lord for His great goodness in allowing for the perfection of timing! And, then returning altogether to Virginia and West Virginia--border-counties. Then, within a month and a half, the prior mentioned account of her...random declension..unto a month and a half of abject terror for family, prayerfully attending all. And, even now, prayerfully attended...only noting that renunciation of family yielded to an off-kilter "peace" (Mexican stand-off?) which persists...
...then, immediately followed by near-loss of my grandfather. Day and night in the hospital, that first week. And he went into seizure after he came out of dialysis--the first dialysis in two years. I touched him, and he started having a seizure. And the doctors came, saying there was nothing they could do...touching him, praying for him, being ushered out of the room--everyone speaking as though he was already dead... ...having to get my stepbrother from school, returning to find him still alive, despite what everyone else believed. And the doctors absolutely baffled that no brain damage had been incurred. Everyone sitting around, joking with one another, as he yet lay there...on the cusp of death... ...having to go pray, and as part of leaving, being derided...
...then, praying...
...returning to others, even more preachers...a roomful of preachers, and they all sat, laughing...joking. No prayer. Then, to sit reading Scripture quietly aloud, in the floor beside his bed.
So torn, so very exhausted, but knowing the Lord's will be done.
And he awoke. He spoke..even if so very weakly. And more, of the remaining awake to tend to whatsoever need arose--he was too weak even to reach for the call button, so every need had to be recognized by someone else as to even be tended. More of a delirium than a sleep, so constant watch had to be maintained to insure he didn't injure himself--so many times, he went to try to pull at tubes.. ..not understanding what they were, just reaching in delirium. And yet, still, the Lord allowed me to go to church that week's end. He kept me awake for the drive up and back, despite the lack of sleep for a week. He kept me awake and blessed me so soundly in the words which poured forth from His ministers. He provided comfort through those who are His.
And allowed me to begin also seeing to my grandmother more directly, that next week. The next to last week of her life.
For hours a day, that last week. By his grace.
Even as my grandfather regained strength, my grandmother lost consciousness.
And I'd let off on prayers for my sister, over the course of the crisis with my grandparents. Despite hearing of things yet falling further apart, now, with my sister...still, I pray.
Still, I pray. And my grandfather comes home, tomorrow. After complete kidney failure, a month and a half ago, his kidneys are restored sufficiently as to not require dialysis. And, despite having gotten to the point, a month and a half ago, that he couldn't lift a fork...he can walk. Despite that doctors considered him dead, and couldn't comprehend how he hadn't suffered brain damage...he's well.
By the grace of God. And by the will of God.
So, so-what if I've not been able to do anything with work, yet? So what if my first priority, right now, isn't getting a job. If I'd had one, I'd have quit it in favor of being there for family. And the one I did have I let go, and am glad to've so done as not to've had that commitment hanging over my head as a constant burden in the face of all else which has transpired. Any additional stress was not necessary. Personally, I'm confounded that the Lord has done such a work in me that I've been able to be there for family without having succumbed to what stresses there have been and are in just by-proxy experience, over all these months. Even, perhaps especially, in regard to grief over my grandmother...I miss her, but I know she's in a far better place now. And that gives me peace, in itself, even beyond the love the Lord has showered on me as to so allow me the time with her which, had I remained in Tampa, would not have been so.
The thing is...I can't do any of the things I've done, these past months. I'm not capable of making it through a month on my own, with any of this stuff...or even a day. Let alone to have had peace. And to have had peace which abides, so long as I remain obedient to the Lord.
And right now, I'd rather that. I'd rather have peace than be accepted. I'd rather have the Lord's love than be exalted by men. I'd rather do whatsoever He wills me, even knowing persecution comes.
If He can keep me from having a nervous breakdown after having been threatened with 10-days' jail-time for insisting upon leaving prior to a deposition, as to make it to church (in the midst of some of the worst of all which has gone on)...thrice told I'd be jailed, praying all the while to the Lord that--whatsoever He wills, accepting He'd get me through without church if it were necessary but relying upon Him either way...and having peace tend with the thought of going to church, still...despite the terror, then shielded from it at the point of accepting it in favor of being obedient...
...just insisting that the judge be told why I had to leave...
...then, to have the judge accommodate me, apologizing for the wait--he'd been in church, when he was summoned...as he even reassured that jail wouldn't have been a possibility, as I'd not signed the form but was present as a willing witness.
...but, still, the sheer stress alone...were it outside of the Lord...of being presented with the choice of "jail, if you go to church" or "no church=no jail=no peace." ..despite that it turned out to be an empty threat. Still. That epitomizes the past year, in so many ways.
So, really...it's in the Lord's hands. I'll do as He wills, because He keeps me safe no matter what's raging around me. No matter.
And if He would use anything I do or say to His glory--with as horrid as I've ever been, and as faulty and weak, even now...then He could use anything. And, so, doctrine is something of curiosity. Because He does use doctrine to bring men into a deeper knowledge of Himself. And, as such, it's desired to know whatsoever more can be gleaned of Him through such a venue, even as to then be familiarized with one other means of being able to translate Him and His goodness unto others, to His glory and their good.
Many, many words.
tldr: Life has been (and is) much madness. Jesus brings it all into submission. Submit to Him and be delivered unto salvation and peace and love, no matter the storms which rage.
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