From loathing, to love.

The Lord is so faithful. He constantly guides me into a greater appreciation for truth, for Him, into a greater knowledge of Him.

I wander, though. I get distracted. I start getting completely myopic in regard to tangents.

But He draws me back. He pulls me back, to Himself.

Such a blessing. Available to all who would seek to know Him and be known by Him, truly. Yet who seeks? Who truly desires Him? Who comes to trembling, at His word, at His name?

Many whom He draws. Those who are His elect, evermore. More nearly and dearly does He allow us to draw unto Him. As with the sermon on Sunday, discussing Hebrews 12 in terms of Exodus 19--God ordains sanctification, that we can draw near to Him. Now, through Christ...being saved, then sanctified ever more.

He wants us to draw near. He wants us to draw near to Him. That's just a mind-boggling thought.

The Creator of the Universe. The One who holds everything in the palm of His hand, in whom is the power of life and ultimately, of death...the One who created light and darkness, yet in whom is no darkness. The one who so loved us as to send His only begotten Son to save us.

He wants us to draw near to Him. Through Christ.

There's no other way, except through the Lord Jesus. No other way.

I remember trying. For years, two decades and then a bit...searching for truth, seeking to know God. Seeking to know Him by way of coming to comprehend the workings of the universe--seeing the expansive, yet ever-concentric, patterns by which all things operated. Knowing it to be a reflection of God, in some far-reaching sense, yet never being able to draw any nearer.

Such self-idolatry, ultimately--seeking to know God on my own terms, rather than on His terms.

Seriously. Any sort of spirituality outside of Christ equates to self-idolatry on those terms. And yet no matter how far things ever went, there was only ever reached a knowledge of God. Never a meeting with Him. Never a point of crossing the infinite divide. Just...I had remembered what I'd heard of Him from church, in youth. And, of all the so-called gods touted by other religions studied to minor degrees...He was the only one who ultimately held sway as believable.

So much rationalization. And even attempting to make sense of it really is pointless--none of what I'd done was founded in reason, given that there's no truth known outside of Christ. I know that, now.

Even seeing so many things so very differently, per the clarity of continued study and prayer.

All is Christ. Looking to Him is the only clarity, is all. He's the only joy, the only hope, the only truth...the only light in the world.

Which, I know sounds like complete madness to those who don't know Him. The gospel of Christ has always been that way, and is never diminished by the seeming paradoxicality and seeming contradiction through such exclusivicity as is perceived by those who are of the world.

It's not so, though. He reconciles all, in Himself. Perfectly. Such that, except for a saving knowledge of Him which so even reconciles that within ourselves which is askew unbeknownst to us...except for that, which reconciles that wrought askew by our rebellion against God...except for that, there's no ability to know the truth of Christ.

That's wherein the Gospel of Christ remains such a stumbling block to us--there are yet things in need of reconciling unto sanctification. And each time as we're broken upon Him, unto Him, further reconciled unto His divine image...each time, there's drawing nearer unto Him and resultant increase in peace, joy, humility, and truth. He is truth. To draw near unto Him is to come into a greater knowledge of Him, even thus of truth.

I had been getting so distracted, though--still seeking methodology as a means to eradicating certain prior-persisting frustrations. Seeking out the advice and teachings of those who'd had previous success in "resolving" those particular sorts of matters. Seeking out their methods as a means of attempting to secure a means to success.

Looking to man as a means of securing supernatural successes. Absurd, isn't it?

But we all do that. We all look for methods. We all try to pick apart the patterns, so we can discern the manner of operation, as to then be able to predict and control progression in future similar instances.

Rather than trusting the Lord.

Rather than walking by and in the Spirit.

Rather than being led by the Holy Spirit, in spirit and in truth.

We yet attempt to rely upon our own understanding. Rather than trusting in the Lord.

Despite that we're told that if we trust in Him, relying not on our own understanding, acknowledging Him in all our ways...that He will (and does) direct our paths. (Prov. 3:5-6) Seriously.

No, though. Maybe there are some who the Lord has allowed to persist in that stage of relationship with Him, as to continue relying upon their own understanding...but, personally--I end up making a complete mess of absolutely everything, unless it's all given to Him, to direct. I'm incapable of doing well.

No matter how minutely the details were studied. No matter how infinitesimal the degrees of differentiation considered, as to expectantly be capable of more finitely tuning action and response as to adequately control for response and outcome...no matter...

There is and was and will always be something which is and was and will always be beyond my ability to control for and/or anticipate. Namely, God.

And until I came to terms with that fact, I muddled through so many things very "successfully" up until the point where they always fell completely apart (moreso, I completely fell apart). So, having attempted to control all things within my personal sphere of influence, as seemed beneficial and well, time to time...reaping horrendous results and imploding, no matter how sincerely good my intentions...

...it is wholeheartedly now both an absolute relief and complete joy to know that God is in control.

Because, despite that there are many people out there who are a great deal stronger--emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and whatsoever degree else--than me...they are yet human, so they are fallible and their understanding is limited by the scope through which they view the world...limited by the time in which they've been able to amass understanding, and limited by all which restricts anyone's ability to achieve what we rather blasphemously term "objectivity" as to attain "untainted understanding." No matter how well they may play at being God, none are like Him. Not even nearly. Not in any capacity. He is infinite in all His ways, and completely sovereign in His omnipotence. We...are not.

Period.

We will forever be limited. Even when or if we do succeed as a species in managing to transfer consciousness between "bodies" as to attain a humanistic semblance of immortality...as is being sought through biotech and nanotechnology, concurrent...even then, we wouldn't approach unto Him. Period. Because we would yet be limited by our own scope of being. We're not simultaneously omnipresent and omniscient, and aren't equipped to be...no matter how broad we conceive our consciousness to have expanded, nor ever will.

None is like unto God. No one can compare, even remotely.
Even as He is infinite, He is infinitely transcendent. So, how do you approach infinity as a finite being?

Through His son, Christ Jesus.
And through Him, alone.

He became flesh, so as to redeem us from our own nature which we had wrought unto lawlessness and rebellion against our creator--wanting to be like Him, wanting to be Him...even if in our own lives, alone, by refusing to acknowledge His superiority as having made our own plans without regard to His will... ...we completely set ourselves in opposition to Him. A finite point opposed to infinity. Thus, infinitely opposed. Only one who could bridge the gap can reconcile an infinite opposition. One who was never in opposition, yet who was similar in nature to us...as to be able to reconcile us to Him. He never gave into lawlessness. Never.

So, when it was imputed unto Him...when our lawlessness was set upon Him, He bore it...the only one who could bear...and we, trusting upon and crying out to Him...He bears our sins, our nature is changed unto His--we are begotten, then, in His image spiritually...and can draw near unto God. Because Christ overcame death, and is Himself ascended unto God the Father.

So, ever more as we are changed into Christ's image, we can be further reconciled unto God, we can draw nearer to Him. And He wants us to.

That's what just completely blows my mind.

That He loves us.
He made a way.
He wants us to draw near to Him.

I keep praying that everything which is yet restricting me is taken away...purged...so to draw nearer to Him. There's no other peace, there's no other joy. There's such hope and love and fulfillment, fellowshipping with the Lord and drawing near to Him--I want to evermore draw nearer. And, to know it...to have experienced His love...to yearn that others know Him.

The Bible is His word to us. It cleanses and transforms. We can please Him by being obedient, in faith, to His law. His law, written upon our hearts. Our hearts, cleansed by the Word...our spirits renewed by the Word. Then, to trust ever more fully and completely and solitarily in and on Him, and Him alone.

There is nothing else.

All else is delusion.
Even as, for one who doesn't know Him...it seems delusion to so assert Christ and His complete sufficiency and supremacy.

But He is truth.

Seeking Him wholeheartedly makes all the difference. ALL the difference.
There is no other way. Or, at least, none that's known to me.

Just to try that course, given the option. Seeking Him ardently, to the exclusion of all else, despite all which sought to distract and dissuade--even my own thoughts, time to time. Many were the moments, this past spring, when I'd been outright assaulted by an internal sense of outrage and repugnance and derision and loathing and resentment at the thought of truly giving obeisance to Christ. Truly paying court to Him, rather than remaining willfully, consciously reliant upon my own devices and sovereignty. Just the idea of bowing the knee to Him caused the most dire sense of rage to permeate thoughts. Blatant rage. Except that in my heart, I'd already conceded to Him, I would have given in to that rage and refused to acknowledge His sovereignty.

It went against everything within me to conceded to His supremacy. I battled. Knowing it the only way. Seeking Him in Scripture, instead. Seeking Him in prayer--even as a squinted, side-long glance, at first...given the sensation of having teeth gritted at the effort of even becoming able to approach Him, at all. But...no...it was known necessary--beyond thought and emotion, just known.

Seeking Him, despite loathing the mere idea of being reigned over. And alternately, fearing to find nothing. Fearing to be completely let-down. Fearing to be completely disillusioned, rather than reinforced per genuine discovery and revelation. Fearing there would be nothing except more of all the same found in pursuit of other "religions." But, then...when I began to bear response, when He began to answer...in ways inconceivable and wholly beyond any ability to expect.. ...then, beginning to fear there'd come a point wherein the progress plateaued and was no longer capable of providing succour. ...fearing there'd come a point beyond which no further progress was even possible, as with all other religions, yielding only "more of the same."

 That was such a strange time, this past Spring.

I don't remember how long it went on--maybe a few weeks, maybe a couple of months? Just...
...He obliterated the rage. He completely disbanded and dislodged the repugnance and loathing. He utterly demolished everything which was set in dire opposition to Him, in short order--pretty much in a single breath, when it did happen. To such an extent that, for the longest spans of time even yet...I forget that there was ever a point when I loathed to acknowledge His supremacy and sovereignty, rather than rejoicing as now.

The mere idea of having borne such a completely, thorough, whole-hearted distaste and repugnance for His Lordship...is so foreign now, but I remember those thoughts. And I remember being so tempted to stop seeking Him, then. I remember being so tempted to give in to that temptation of maintaining a view of myself as ruler of my own life...just because of the disgust which overwhelmed my entire being at the very thought of giving up perceived control to anyone.

I was disgusted at the thought. Full-body revulsion. And He obliterated that.
Taking it and making it into the highest praise, to know He's in control--that I no longer have to stress, nor strain, nor plan, nor fear for outcomes. I can just rest assured in the knowledge that He knows far better and far more than I ever did, will, or could. ...and that He's infinitely good and loves me beyond comprehension, so I know that whatsoever He ordains--it will be to His glory, to my good.

There's no greater relief.

Even knowing, realizing, remembering that's absolutely horrific and offensive and outright in defiance of anything even resembling the logic which once utterly consumed my entire being. That it seems the most blatant sort of irresponsibility and repugnant nonchalance and selfish disdain for myself and all others, to someone constrained by logic, alone.

I know because I once believed that way, myself. Prior to coming into a saving knowledge of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I loathed Christians. They repulsed me, with their absolute certainty in what seemed simultaneously arbitrary, yet adamantly rigid, while remaining utterly unfixed as "spiritual." I rarely went out of my way to attack them, but for once. And I couldn't destroy him. His unwavering assurance in the face of cold, hard logic which, by logic's standards, utterly decimated his stance...but he refused to back down or to crumble.. ..which left me feeling wholly enraged and somewhat abased into guilt. So I never attacked again, outright.

But I avoided them at all costs. I didn't want to get "infected" with their illogic. Nor did I want to have to bear with the then-seeming syrupy proclamations of love for all couched in "easily-diagnosed" hypocrisy of obviously prejudicial expressed preference for and derision of individual groups. I loathed Christians. (Now...all are loved, yet most professing Christians are approached very timidly, given periodic, consistent experience of receiving either derision or verbal/emotional assault, moreso than even prior to salvation.)

Both of my parents were(are) preachers.

I became the stereotypical preacher's child, doubly so. Except for their prayers and the prayers of others whom they requested and the prayers of others who'd known me as a child...I don't know that the Lord would have shown such mercy on me.

Everything He described, in the Old Testament and New, of the worst of people...of the most atrocious...to some varying degree, whether in heart or in deed, I did truly do. So, His mercy has been wholly evidenced in my salvation.

And perhaps that's why there's such a desire to see so many who are so maliciously opposed to Christ brought to a saving knowledge of Him--I was there, once. But for grace, there I'd still be. Or dead.
Both--either way, equates to the same difference except for abiding in Christ.

So, all the more, now...for Him to have spared my life...so many, many times over? Humbling. Gratitude.

I was, for the last few months in trying to reconstruct a "testimony" of how He saved me...I was still clinging to a desire to believe that I hadn't been "that bad," that I was still someone who was seeking God, seeking truth, and that it wasn't as though I was out committing literal, physical atrocities (which was the case, really--I was doing so)...but, to be set against God--to not be saved in Christ, period--is to be atrociously set against Him, unto a loathing of Him. Regardless of how consciously remarkable that loathing might be, in a person's heart--it's still there, except that the Lord gives us a new heart.

There's no in-between. Either you love Him or you despise Him. There's no middle ground. Middle ground only equates to a very mildly seething, thus perhaps unrecognized, despising...which is evidenced when faced with the Holy Spirit in truth, rather than per lip-service alone.

The Lord does that, though--He evidences truth. He brings things to light. He makes clear the darknesses which yet lurk in our hearts, in our souls.

These past couple of weeks, a lot of temptations have been attacking, again. By the grace of God, I've renounced them. There's no need for "pretty-shiny-new", especially as that course ever yields distraction from the Lord. Same as temptations to envy/covet the provisions, progress, and position of others equates to idolatry--it's wholly untenable to envy or to covet.

To be wholly satisfied in the Lord is all. Period. For He does satisfy, even unto inconceivable depths which are continually further revealed.

He does deliver. Faithfully.

His goodness exceeds comprehension. His mercy is ineffable on human terms.
I deserved immediate destruction, time and time again. I deserved torment. I deserved eternal torment. I see that now. Which...is grace. So much unmerited favor He's shown me.

Nothing deserved. And there's just gratitude. Humbling gratitude in knowledge of complete insufficiency met by His exceeding sufficiency. ...in knowledge of His incomprehensibly encompassing love, in the face of such unwarranted, unmitigated loathing.

That whatsoever He would allot to me, all which He has allotted to me...is so far beyond comprehension in it's unmerited beneficence and true faithfulness...there's a tendency toward shame in considering request for anything further. Then, to know that He has even further good in store?...to know that He desires to do me further good? ...and desires that I come to Him boldly?

To know that He desires me to be near Him.
..near Him.

The only place where there's ever been peace, in my life.
The only place where there's ever been love in truth, it often seems...for so vastly superior is His love, to anything on earth...
...with Him, fellowshipping with Him...seemingly the only true, wholly uplifting joy ever experienced--even as there have been moments with family, with friends where there's been...a pale shadow, even then so very precious and wonderful...so very, very precious...yet, nothing compared to that experienced in His presence--so vastly, supremely more encompassing and truly healing that any else..
To know that there is wholehearted satisfaction, as ever longed for yet never found before...total fulfillment of all those prior yearnings of heart, found in company of Him...

To know that being near Him is the fulfillment of all I'd ever desired...
...
...then, to know He desires my sanctification that I draw near unto Him..?

Incomprehensibly good.

God is so good.