Been a long time since there's been a "two-post" day.
I keep thinking on a friend's question, from the weekend.
Being an unmarried, childless woman in her 30s, I get questions about children and marriage pretty regularly. I receive a lot of insinuations of the need for marriage.
But given my track record, the whole deal has been utterly off-limits, in general. Very dangerous territory to even consider.
I've made at least two public professions on this blog of intent to remain unmarried, I think. At least two.
And numerous public.
The Lord has helped me see, however, that it's His will and not mine which matters. Not as a point of domination (which my phrasing sort of makes it sound) but because His will is good and mine is utterly short-sighted and limited by ignorance of all factors concerned.
A contingent consideration off of that same line is that, for me the issue of marriage and proclaiming intent to always be single unto to the Lord...is a matter of exerting perceived control.
If I can't control and successfully manifest circumstances which are optimal, then I can control the intention to remain unmarried.
If I can't control the ability to find someone whom I would choose to devote myself to serving alongside on this earth, as to put faith in their ability to keep covenant...
...then I can control my unwillingness to even hope for such a thing.
Kind of.
Problem is, to be quite honest, I've wanted marriage. I've just never seen it as a legitimate possibility. It's never seemed something I could possibly hope to have.
And all that is confounded by a self-regard which maintains stance of total unfitness and unworthiness to ever warrant such a development.
So, it's actually largely a matter of rejecting the possibility because I actually feel as though the possibility has rejected me. I'm not good enough for the world's standards of marriage, in general.
And marriage is a sacred covenant--not something to enter lightly, which is why...no matter how grievously I have erred, I never did entertain marriage.
Truth of the matter is, I can't conceive of the whole situation being something I could ever reasonably take part in. I'm too broken. I'm too damaged. I couldn't conceivably expect anyone to be willing or able to maneuver with me through whatever it would take to get to a point where terror wouldn't incapacitate from ongoing, open interaction. I'm really not very well domesticated, in that regard.
A lifetime of abuse doesn't yield quickly.
Who would be able to have patience to draw me and wait for me, when I flee in terror again and again? Especially as recent years have instilled tendency to sometime respond with a barb rather than to only flee or hide behind a mask. The Lord helps restrain me, and has increasingly done so on all fronts, since I've been walking with Him.
Because the Lord has patience for me. In droves. He waits when I get scared, and speaks soothing words which calm fears and comfort dire wounds. His presence is enough, again and again, just to get me to stand still despite utter terror and pain.
He's even brought back to mind so many childhood pains and abuses these past many months, memories which I'd been running from for years. And just His presence--weeping in His presence--has been a greater balm to those pains than anything ever known.
I'd forgotten what comfort was. Long accustomed to people watching from a distance while I wept. Standing, staring. Silent observation. Open rebuke and pain for tears. Sharp words and hands, to quell the grief.
Till tears stopped, at least. At last. For many years. Getting to a point where the prospect of comfort was terrifying, because the cost was so high. Which is where alcohol became so constant, for so long.
And I've done so many horrible things, too--wretched, unutterable.
The Lord knows. And spare few others to whom I've confessed.
Just...apart from the Lord, I can't conceive of anyone being willing or able to endure so close a relationship with me. Jesus, alone, keeps me in check and keeps me calm and satisfied. I'm just too much for anyone else to handle, and I've basically been told as much.
Plus, anyone who would do anything less but direct my attention to the Lord would wreak havoc on both me and themselves. And anyone willing to try to engage on that level would easily find themselves overwhelmed and totally incapable except they, themselves, were seeking Christ for direction and help.
I can't hope to have friends who are able to be alongside me for any consistent and ongoing span of time, so how much less could I expect to hope for marriage?
So, it's easier to try to believe I don't want to marry. Despite that the truth is I would long for that desperately--a marriage founded in Christ. Which, itself, is so unlikely in this age.
And I don't conform, is part of the problem. Just doesn't work for people:
I can cook, but I don't prefer to given it's not usually necessary...and when I do cook, unless the Lord helps me do so it comes out a mess (He's faithful, though).
I keep clean, but largely for the sake of sanity and only by the grace of the Lord.
And I have very little experience in knowing how to work with children.
I lack social graces, both because they make no sense to me and I prefer to remain silent rather than give empty flattery and also because I just don't understand them.
I can't play an instrument. I don't knit.
I'm not even good at holding a conversation, except that the Lord prompt.
And I don't have hobbies, per se.
I don't have worldly, earthly aspirations nor acumen.
I don't care about vacations, but about when my next day with the Lord will be.
I don't care about promotions, but about the Lord's will being done in the people I interact with.
I don't care about things which are important to daily life, even, because the strain of being concerned is more than I can bear under on a regular basis.
I just trust the Lord to direct me, and He does. And He will.
So many things wrong. So many things, by the world's standards. I'm not marriageable, by any means. I'm a wreck, emotionally, mentally, socially, and physically (many injuries, throughout life--sincerely blessed to be able to still walk and talk and see).
Knowing Jesus better is the only focus in my life which is any-ways consistently pursued at this juncture. And even that is a failure, except that He's so merciful and faithful as to draw me back again and again when I falter.
All I have is Christ, though.
He's the only good in me which I would have to bring, to offer to anyone.
Everything else is a wretched, horrid mess of pain and fear and uncertainty, which He's still bringing into subjection to knowledge of Him.
So, yeah. I don't even bring Him into bear very well, except that He give such grace as to manifest.
And He's not what people are looking for when they want marriage, anyway.
So, being asked if I want children is enough to make me cry (if only once privacy has been achieved).
But being questioned about marriage is enough to make me run away (if only on the inside).
In fact, the first time I read Isaiah 54 it absolutely destroyed me to receive such grace.
I can't deal with even the idea of being wanted, let alone cherished. It's too much.
So, rejecting the idea rather than accepting lack of control has been the "easier" way of dealing with these things.
But that's not what the Lord would have. Because every area of my life is His. All the hurt, all the pain, all the confusion, all the wretched sinfulness...He's bought it all. And given His peace, in exchange. Given a knowledge of His love, in exchange. Given His abiding presence to comfort and direct, in exchange.
So whatever He wills.
Which means neither to hope nor to despair, but to trust in Him.
Whatever He wills.
This is the most difficult bit so far. Surrendering this again, to Him.
More consciously aware of the all, this time.
When He called for surrender at the outset, it was wholesale.
Just bit by bit, He's called every piece and parcel into the open for collection.
Already His, just not openly, specifically called under claim at first.
Now this, though--the desire for marriage and children.
He called it for collection last week, actually.
I publicly surrendered it, Sunday before last.
This is just a more detailed accounting of what's been and being surrendered, though still not fully explained--the outline is given, in sum.
Finances are again soon, too.
But for now...migraine. Too little sleep, of late.
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