Deferring to the Master

Still going over the renouncement of all for the sake of Christ. It's really the renouncing of desires and interactions, as even pursued or considered apart from Him.

He will, has, and does bring to me all things which are necessary and beneficial and good, without my interference. I do ask (and even beg, sometimes). But He often fulfills regardless my awareness of a need.

Following Him, He's made sure I've had everything I've needed--and then some. And although persecutions have been part of it all, too, even those are ultimately beneficial. Persecutions drive me nearer Jesus, dependent upon Him despite that my heart is wont to so often stray.

This is a matter of receiving even more than enough to thrive, while also enduring what keeps my vision clear.

The need to renounce all desires, hopes, and interactions is a matter of how vast is my proclivity for idolatry--of love, family, and friendship, especially. Holding these things to my heart in a way which becomes anyways separate reverence to and deference to God? Just no.

Can't be a thing.

So renouncing everything, for sake of Christ, is the only way forward.
Care, concern, and affection don't cease--as heart-breaking as it can be, affection just isn't permitted to sway actions, except as Christ, Himself, directs. It's taken to Him, instead, for His intervention.

That sort of deference as defies the heart is impossible for me, without His assistance. Direct and ongoing assistance, even.

There's more encompassing peace this way, though--past the pain. Knowing His will is sought, His direction is heeded, and His will is perfectly good in whatsoever steps He directs? There's peace of knowing His will will be done.

Burdens concerning whether a decision, an action, has been flawed...no longer have room to enter. The pain of witnessing beloved others suffering and feeling oneself insufficient to alleviate is held in check by a constant deferring to God's own goodness--prayer for others is undertaken all the more intently, for having a clearer sense of the reality that my own best efforts work destruction apart from intervention by God. And the trembling and pain endured when taking a stance which honors God but contradicts man's will and man's perception of "good"--strong rebukes, derision, and malice encountered as result--is steadfastly endured per the deeper peace found while receiving Christ's own ongoing reassurance and comfort, received while one defers to Him continually for guidance.

That definitely constitutes a stance which the world doesn't understand, and can't comprehend. Giving up one's hopes, desires, dreams, and will to God runs absolutely against the world's professed need to self-exalt and pursue personal desires regardless the cost to self or others.

The Lord knows what's actually best, though, rather than what's most compelling.

And though the pain wrought even per deferring to Him and renouncing my own will has again and again been manifest in ways which slice to the depths of my soul, then still, deferring to the Lord out of love for Him and devotion to Him means that I have learned to trust Him explicitly with what otherwise is most cherished to me. No matter how little it's understood or how much it's despised. Surrendering all things to Him, there's freedom to trust Him to do what's best, knowing He'll comfort me and enact His perfect will throughout.

Having anything of which I've begun to shy away from the Lord in thoughts of--wanting my will, wanting fulfillment of my desires, hoping for a particular end which is personally defined--is clear indication a part of my heart has been turned from Him.

It's not good.

He lines me out, though. He is.

Part of this all generally concerns caring for and about people without bringing my own expectations for interaction and involvement into the mix--all have to be brought into subjection to Christ.

And if it all sounds a bit extreme or unnecessary, consider that Jesus told us those who love mother, father, spouse, children, brethren/friends--and even their own life--more than Him...aren't worthy of Him and cannot be His disciple.

Maybe that's the hinge-pin in terms of distinctions noted between self and others, of walk with Christ--I am a disciple of His. And intend to remain one, as He permits, wills, and keeps me.

Everything I have is His.
The car He has presently entrusted to me, He'd already asked me to give away within months of receiving...He has yet to collect the offering, though He reminds me with some regularity that it's still the case.
Same, of this computer.
Everything that's presently possessed.
Including my life.

It's all His and He can call it for collection at any moment.

I forget these things, sometimes, and become distracted by desires for family, friends, "stability," and all the like. Because, again--I do want these things. However, for the sake of Christ, I have, am, and will continue forsaking these desires in favor of pursuing Him--I will continue renouncing the world, while yet remaining a part of it, per Christ's directions.

And when He gives moments of blessed fellowship with others who are indeed my eternal family, I will continue to rejoice. Though I'll also continue to ask the Lord to help me maintain perspective on the fact that it's by His pleasure and grace that those blessed moments come, at all, and that such moments and relationships still aren't the sustenance which I need, and are incapable of being so. Because Christ is my sustenance and sufficiency. No less.

That's part of what got me in such trouble with previous church--I exalted them unduly, perceiving them as the ultimate answer to all prayer, and I was regularly reinforced in this false notion that coming into fellowship with them would suffice to satisfy all need for direction and godliness and growth.

I desired fellowship with the church be sufficient and to act in the stead of a deepening relationship with Christ--a misplaced, skewed expression of the longing for nearness to Jesus, Himself. I was longing for Christ's nearness, but seeking to find something "close enough" to satisfy that longing, in other words.

The desire for marriage has periodically been along lines of the same distortion. Same deal, of the general desire for friendship.

I used to have quite the tantrums over being completely isolated, solitary...alone with the Lord.

But the problem was (and is) that my tendency was (and is) to become dependent upon any such relationships, to the exclusion of depending upon the Lord. I quickly fashion idols of those whom I love.

It's just not possible to pursue the greatest good, as God's will, while also pursuing one's own will. So, for the sake of love of Christ and for the sake of loving others, there's no alternative except to renounce all hopes and desires, for sake hoping and trusting in the Lord.

And, honestly, bringing me to this point of surrender at this juncture is seriously merciful of Him. He could as easily have just stripped away all friends. And He may still--I don't know, except to acknowledge He knows what's best and I defer to His will.

This doesn't mean withdrawal from interaction, but entails conscious deference to Christ throughout subsequent interactions. The Lord will have to line that out, though--experience has proven I'm not capable.

He'll give grace when the moment comes.