Praying still about the idea of close interaction with others. Another thing of surrender alongside marriage--friendship.
My closest friends, right now, are hours away. One is in Canada--we FaceTime prayer weekly (though schedules don't always permit--so, as the Lord wills). The other is counties away; we talk every few months. The Lord brought both of them into my life over the past two years, through churches with which I no longer have affiliation.
There've been two other families whom the Lord has also seriously blessed me to know.
And there are other pockets of people here and there, even in my own house (a rental property), whom I care about deeply and enjoy spending time with when possible.
But past a certain point, there are a lot of things I'm only comfortable explicitly sharing with the Lord. And, besides that, there are some really serious battles I confront on an ongoing basis which make it very difficult to be around others in a casual setting, most times.
Most of the time, really.
Not that there aren't also serious battles during extended times alone with the Lord. But not the same type. Not usually as overwhelming. And there's not usually as much damage wrought.
There's anxiety to consider, too.
An almost constant companion. Definitely a thorn in the flesh. And the Lord does allow it as a means to keep me dependent upon Him--except that I rely upon Him, anxiety incapacitates. Completely.
So, that definitely helps, in terms of physical and mental incentive to draw near to Jesus. And I'm grateful for it, given how vast my penchant for wandering is.
Yet, even when I'm depending upon Him moment to moment...
...there's something of being with others for extended durations which throws me off, too. And the more comfortable I get with others, the more dire the battle seems to become, as temptations increasingly begin to dominate thoughts more than Christ, Himself, does (except that He intervenes--allowing me awareness past a point, then drawing me away).
That's bad, though. Really bad.
Being dominated by temptation, as a consequence of time with others.
Seems really bad.
And it's not even particular sin, really, so much as it is an onslaught of varied temptations in all directions, of all manners, which becomes eventually so loud that anxiety is turned to rather than to continue to be assaulted by all manner other nonsense.
Increasingly these past couple weeks, I've begun to (again) ask and suspect that this is just another thorn. One intended to keep me more focused on time with the Lord than with others.
Which...I've asked Him for that, honestly.
So, I'm not sure why it's such a strange thing to find something of this sort to be what already-present weakness and vulnerability He's still using to draw me to time with Him.
I've asked Him for a lot of things, though, per desire to serve.
Even such that...the likelihood of marriage and children ever being "a thing" is pretty much entirely ruled out. Except that He's able to do things and maneuver things in ways which are beyond expectation or comprehension, at least.
But it's not humanly feasible, still.
There's sorrow in that...sorrow, of all this--being able to take part in the lives of others and to love them and to serve in small ways, but always from a safe distance.
I am dangerous, in ways.
It's dangerous to become involved with me in any capacity.
Same as I was warned and continue being warned I'll lose everything including my life, for the sake of Christ. What sort of collateral damage do you think that gathers? It's what it is.
He had me count the cost early and late. And I'm His, in the face of it.
I've publicly professed my willingness to stand for Him no matter what the forces of evil throw against me, again and again--made numerous proclamations of my intent to continue on with Christ no matter what comes or goes.
I mean, I've in many ways lost my family to the cause of doing as the Lord would have. I've in many ways lost my friends, and even have all who are brethren entirely necessarily kept at a distance (for their sake and my own). Plus, I'd lost all semblance of stability and ability to function in society before beginning to walk with Christ (mercifully, really). And I'm only able to survive (and thrive--He's so gracious) through a day as He gives me strength so to do.
Which, all in all, means He owns me entirely. Christ or death, for me.
End of story. Death still wants to take me and keeps trying. But He preserves me.
And even aside from continuing to be stalked by Death....I can't function apart from Christ. Period. Except for His blessed presence and guidance on a moment-to-moment basis, I fall apart really quickly. Back to the state I was in before He pulled me together and began to mend the shards.
I wouldn't trade that for the world, though: Wouldn't trade the pain. Wouldn't trade the suffering. Wouldn't trade the injury. Wouldn't trade the inability to function as others do. Wouldn't trade the deaths.
No, I'd rather have Christ.
Jesus is worth any cost, just to know Him. Just to be able to walk with Him and talk with Him. It's worth any price. Worth any loss. Worth the loss of all, for sake of having Him.
He really is a friend that stays closer than a brother. My Shepherd and Redeemer.
It's just so weird to walk with Him while still battling such absolute wretched, horrid, despicable depravity as still bears down, at times.
It comes to mind an aspect of that had been explained in a sense--the darkness does whatever it can to mock Him, just to spite Him. And despises us, humans. (We are made in His image, as it goes.) But the forces of darkness especially despise those who belong to Jesus and who are His beloved. So, tormenting us is one way of attempting to hurt Him, mock Him. Even while being to spite us, too. Each and every one of us, but especially Christ's own.
The temptation and torments are individual and specific, but at the same time...those perpetuating the travesties don't care who we each are, so much as they just want to vent their utter rage and resentment against Christ in some way which spites Him. And they are more than willing to use personally devastating and vulnerable points to especially tempt us.
And Jesus, being the bearer of our sins, and the lover of our souls--He loves us, and it grieves Him. Both.
So, I'd rather not engage in things which knowingly lead to onslaught of temptation. And...that means refraining from close interpersonal relationships, in general. It seems (I'm still asking about it).
Except that He direct otherwise, explicitly. Guiding, directly. It seems. Always.
I don't do perfectly well at discerning His will, which saddens me. There've been times in the past where the sheer amazement at being able to discern His leading clearly in my spirit, at all, was so overwhelming an experience to make it seem clear as day and utterly unmistakable.
And sometimes it is. But most of the time...a lot of prayer is required, in addition to gauging His leading through peace alongside Scripture. And sometimes, I still totally miss His will.
He uses it all to sanctify, though. Even the misses end up being lessons in trusting Him and in humility and grace.
Otherwise, I seem to get to a point of trusting the ability to discern rather than even trusting Him. And pride definitely asserts itself when that becomes the case, again and again.
As far and friendships and relationships go--wherever He may lead--there's apparent need to continually remain surrendered to Him to such extent that there's no resting in the relationship but only in Christ. And, often, death is continually regarded as a present possibility--realizing at any moment His will may be for me to go home. Which is not really conducive to long-term planning.
Not at all.
It doesn't even allow for tomorrow, except that the Lord direct in what ways to prepare.
Most people like to have a sense of ability for extended and extensive relationship though, at the outset at least. And most people don't seem to require as part of their daily walk with the Lord so constant a consideration of eternity and God's sovereignty as remembrance of death entails. Most seem entirely able to have long-term goals and to pursue various personal interests which aren't entirely concentric about the Lord.
And I'm not really sure how all that lines out, except that He allows it. And I'm certain that many of those whom I know who have that sort of relationship with Jesus...do indeed have a relationship with Him which in some manner is thriving. Not being constantly conscious of eternity isn't something that derails their walk with Him, in other words.
I don't understand it. But God has His reasons for everything.
And He keeps me close. At the expense of everything.
And I've asked Him to. And He does.
At the expense of close relationships in general, it seems.
I wouldn't trade His peace and companionship, despite being strongly tempted, at times. Even being especially tempted in regard to the idea of relationships--still, I would rather have Christ's company, since it doesn't seem presently possible for me to have both.
He is enough, though. More than.
Although loving others from a distance is more painful, for sure, than loving them up close. But it comes to mind that--in many ways and instances, it's a pain He well knows. Day to day.
Let me be one less to cause that particular grief, at least.
For love of God--Christ, my Savior.
Besides--again--either He has me or sin does. And that's not even worthy of consideration as a choice. So let these light afflictions be what they are, I'll serve my Lord and Master.
Come what may, He's not intimidated. He rules.
He'll give strength for the day, joy in the morning, and peace everlasting.
He does. And all the more when I rest in Him and draw near to Him.
He offers that to anyone who would come to Him.
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