Understanding the etiology of sin to any extent doesn't deliver from it. Jesus, alone, is the power to overcome. He is the deliverance. Resting and abiding in Him. Been pondering for the past couple days about what James considered the progression to be, in context of last Sunday's consideration of temptation as the adulterous woman.
There's something vitally important of bringing all desires--even good ones, ones given of God--into subjection as surrendered to God's will. Rather than to crave, hope for, plan toward, or any other such thing as equates to lusting after things as according to carnal understanding.
I remember the jobs with Kroger and Dillards as particular examples. At that point in time, I considered myself a Christian--the only time there was true peace and hope and relief from anxiety and fear was during church services and while reading Scripture. And the sinner's prayer was a constant. Having prayed a variation in 2010 out of terror for my life, knowing Jesus was the only refuge, it seemed good to continue praying it. Meaning it once meant meaning it always, so continuing to ask Him to take over and be Lord.
But I hadn't submitted to Him. I asked Him to bless my plans and give strength to my efforts and preserve me in the midst of turmoils which often were related to my own recklessness. Granted, I had despaired of having ability and strength to keep myself from doing the things I knew I shouldn't. But the reasons for wanting to cease those things were all revolved around wanting to be able to walk in a way where others couldn't accuse me of wrong-doing, so to embody what it meant to "be Christian" according to standard definitions and expectations in the world. I wanted to be conformed to the ideal, so to be blameless in the eyes of the world as being conformed to the behavioral expectations set forth for Christians.
Still just couldn't. Which was the beginning of coming to a knowledge of what grace is.
And I didn't talk about Jesus. I didn't talk about God. I talked about church. And talked about Scripture. Safe things. Tangible things. Visible things which made sense. Things which I knew per having experiential familiarity, regardless how wrong-headed.
But I did things my way. Per my understanding. Not waiting on God. Not expecting His direction, outright. Not expecting His involvement. Just kind of in some really strange space where there was blatant simultaneous awareness and denial of Him. Never looking Him full in the face, in a sense, though willing to acknowledge Him with indirect, half-hearted nods to His existence and sovereignty. So long as He did His thing and helped me do mine, we were totally fine.
Because I thought I knew His will. I thought it was pretty clear in Scripture that I was supposed to do good things and loving things and help people. Whatever the cost. Despite that this constituted a "Christianized" version of what I'd already wanted to do with my life, I didn't see any problems or inconsistencies. Just thought of it as a confirmation of the things I already believed and knew and pursued. Because every bit as much as life had been about finding fulfillment, it was about being able to share it with others. Seeing pain and despair and incapacitation.
The true extent to which that "desire to help" was actually self-serving isn't known to me. But I know it was self-gratifying. So I know it was very, very convoluted. It just happened to be all I knew of good, prior to actually coming into relationship with God. Loving others per my own darkened understanding of love.
So, even that...even that was a "good" desire, though become an idol and defiance per having been borne of the flesh rather than of God. And the camaraderie that came by way of it, on varied fronts? Likewise.
But the whole desires tempting us away and ultimately giving birth to sin is particularly evidenced with Kroger and Dillards. Desire to do good, to be self-supporting and able to contribute to the welfare of others, and actively being expected to do so...? I thought each place was going to become a platform for good works. Thought I could go in, fulfill the requirements of Scripture by being self-supporting and walking uprightly before others, do good to others, strive to succeed on worldly terms as to be in a position to do more good for the kingdom of God, and on and on and on.
But all about the things I wanted. It gave me a sense of satisfaction to help others, so wanting to pursue that as a desired end. It gave me a sense of justification to walk in a way where others congratulated and constantly reaffirmed me, in both churches and at work and amongst family, so I adhered as best I knew to what I understood as being God's expectations for my behavior...and between thinking I was doing right by God and being reaffirmed by people, I craved continued adherence and affirmation. Lusted after the ability to be even more conformed, so as to be even more revered for godliness and being an upright citizen. And as goes craving to make a positive difference in the lives of others, being in position to constantly counsel and "develop" employees meant being in position to broaden their perspective to extent of altering their perspectives on things going on and regarding themselves. Even to extent of seeing ongoing evidences of improved work ethics (e.g., as one begins to realize ability to perform well and be recognized for it, then continuing to progress) and reduced negativities and reduced conflict with others and self. Increase in apparent peace. Increase in apparent ability to function well. Desiring to effect those sorts of changes in others (all the while attempting to effect them in myself, increasing, and having begun attempting to philosophize the writings of God as though merely some new approach to seeing the world which would allow a different approach to self-development)...craving that effect, as "playing God" really per even believing I knew what was best, led to such a gluttony for involvement in other social spheres and with other people so as to "help" others, too. Lusting after a broader sphere of influence, while desiring to effect people's lives according to my own understanding of what was right and good all the while--even so darkly done as using the Scriptures to justify the wickedness.
And like the foolish boy in Solomon's tale, I was out in the streets (so to speak) at times and in places where I shouldn't have been. I was walking in the world's way, striving to understand how to apply God's precepts to worldly paradigms in a way to effect them, myself. Things came up and tempted me to come in--I didn't even know about either the Kroger nor Dillards jobs, prior to being offered them. I had to apply for the management position with Dillards after my interview. Which is just to say, these things came looking for me while I was out in my own strength. Because that sort of thing isn't common in the world, from what I hear. I hear people talk about taking years to get a job. So getting two offers without having applied seemed utterly uncoincidental. And so I assumed it was of God. Because it conformed to my expectations of how He would work.
And I asked Him to bless the things I wanted, the things I believed were His will for me. Rather than asking what His will was. Because, I reasoned--it's not bad to want a job, and I don't have other options, so it's godly to take the job especially since it came in such a way that's so odd and unexpected. Surely of God. Surely.
So I never asked Him whether it was. I assumed.
And I wanted the jobs. Because of somewhat prestige. Because of somewhat power. Because of greater security than I'd previously ever had, professionally. Because the things seemed good.
So, somewhat like James put it...I was tempted of my own evil desires to be as God in my own life, knowing good and evil per my own understanding...lured away and enticed. Drawn away by my own fleshly lusts for security, esteem, acceptance, purpose, and "certainty" of my place. I sinned. And how enticing were those plans? How enticing to the flesh are these concepts of security, peace, purpose, financial solvency, public esteem, and all the like? None of which are bad if they are taken wholly into subjection to Christ and found in Him. But in the flesh? Nope.
There was ever the promise that I could operate as God would have me do, within the constraints. So long as I just made nice to begin with. Even as the adulterous woman promised that there would be time to avoid being trapped in sin since her husband was away for a definite time, then I also fell prey to believing it was possible to compromise for just a brief while in order to achieve what seemed a greater good toward love. Because even at those points in my unsurrendered life there were blatant compromises required, still. Treating people as business commodities, foremost. And varied such things as seemed acceptable being "minor" compromises in the moment.
Like taking part in weirdly manipulative dialogues where no one ever says what they mean, directly. But only ever alludes. Even if clearly. I'd seen lawyers do it. And business people too, now. And it's gross. And wrong. And something that I did give into and take part in, even in "counseling" people along all the fronts done. But whatever. That was part of my life, but I want nothing of it. If someone will not be forthright with intent, then there's something wrong: it's unsurrendered, contrived of the human mind.
The Lord has made it very clear through all this such consideration that having intents which are contrived isn't of Him. Intents of the heart are desires for the way in which a matter should/ought/may proceed. Rather than surrendering to God and waiting His will and direction, moment by moment. Period. And for me, that means not even to hope apart from hoping for Christ and in Him. Not even if something seems of His will can hope turn toward what might become. Period.
Which is much of this whole thing of being tempted and tried on so many fronts. As seeing that allowing for even godly desires if permitting the heart to hope in them apart from Christ leaves so much room for the enemy to come in, as such hopes perhaps are then prone to stray from total subjection to Christ as the hope of all hopes.
So it's better just not to hope apart from Him for anything, then. Not as though humans are capable of refraining from doing so, except that He intervene--it's the heart of sin to want/desire/plan for things according to our own understandings, per James' etiology. And like the young man in the story told by Solomon, we all tend to be out walking in ways and areas we don't need to go. Looking into ideas that aren't of God. Wondering what the future holds is a similar "walking." As is prying into hopes which have appearance of godliness yet without the power of being fully manifest and confirmed. And such the like. All of us.
We're told to ask for wisdom, though. He alone possesses it, perfectly. And the author of it can certainly teach even the lowest fool (living evidence of this fact). And He wants us to have wisdom and walk in it. Even being delivered by Him and not of ourselves.
We cannot do the things or know the things that are right and good, by our own understanding or in our own strength. There's absolutely nothing can be done except surrender to Him and wait upon Him to lead, unless we're intent on continuing in sin. Which...He permits, in this world.
But I don't want that, personally. And if it means never having except those He temporarily places alongside, then so be it. I'd rather have Him and continue to know Him better than be permitted to walk endlessly mired by the same delusions. Even if that means faltering and having to be delivered again and again, then still unto greater and broader deliverance each time it's been. Into greater knowledge of who He actually is, and of His faithfulness, His will, and unto deeper repentance of those things in me which are so wretched.
He showed me last night that there's still be a sliver of resentment in my heart that I'm not Him. That I'm not worshipped and am not able to deliver others. It was so disconcerting and distressing. Despairing to find that I'd been so blind to that still being even a whisper in my heart. But as always, by His grace I can't but despair to see further evidence of my wretchedness, though become all the more deeply grateful to Him as I return to Him begging forgiveness and deliverance. Stricken by the truth of my own sin, again and again. Yet finding Him ever willing to extend mercy through Jesus Christ when I confess it all to Him, openly and honestly, asking forgiveness and deliverance. He does and He will deliver from sin.
Otherwise, there would be no hope. But there is hope. In Jesus Christ, our Lord.
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