Never knowing.

Two things:

First off, stuff that's still actively being battled isn't discussed. Because it's too easy to slip up in wording, in phrasing, in a momentary regard, and empower the oppressor. Words are weapons, and with as things go, sometimes...especially in the midst of battling something...there's too much at stake to take chances.

Don't get me wrong, there's definitely temptation to talk about various things which are underway. But prayer and study are sufficient. Seeking the Lord first, in those things. Period. First, mid, and last...seeking Him and Him alone, in those things which are being battled.

Not only could my own words be damaging and potentially throw me further off track, but putting things out before others means that there's the possibility they may express doubt or uncertainty or criticism or advice, rather than expressing faith and referring me to the Lord. I'm not going to go chasing further complications and need no extra share of doubt to battle against in any moment. Seriously. Even doubt needs to be done within the realm of faith, as not to mar nor distract nor dissuade.

Jesus is faithful to lead me to where I need to go and what I need to do. And it's a very humbling thing, always. Because there's absolutely nothing can be done except repent, upon realization, and seek to realize the extent of what needs routed--to ask for further revelation, for further repentance...then, to realize incapability for delivering self, so to go humbly yet boldly to the throne of grace. There's never anything easy about it, except for loving Him. Yet even that wasn't easy, at one point.

Oh, but some of the stuff that's tried to talk to me, along this course. Absolutely revolting and infuriating.

But, no matter. My Lord is sovereign, He is supreme, and He is full of grace and mercy.

Another reason for not just talking willy-nilly about everything going on--until it's been completely overcome, as personally experienced so, in some very meaningful capacity.. ..it's not a good idea to talk about it to others, for their sake, either.

Even still, some things.. ..some things, even discussed openly here...I've wanted to delete, but had to let stand. In a different capacity than having hidden so many previous posts for a while. Wholly different capacity.

And I still don't know why.

But that's just fine. As long as He knows, and He does and always will--that's above and beyond anything which I need to know. I trust His judgment. I trust Him.

And, in context of some of the sermons listened to recently, that sort of talk has been put in a different light. As far as that it does seem irreverent, in a lot of ways. But...the thing is, I realize I'm not even worthy to READ His name, let alone speak it or write it. I am not worthy to even have heard it, in power, at any point. That is known. As it is known that to intentionally offend Him would be to be in utter terror for my soul.

So, it's a very fine line, my friends. Humility has to be a mode of comportment beyond even breath, or at least on the same line as it. And, even that's beyond me to maintain--He helps. In the breathing, as so many times awoken from death, and in the maintaining humility.
Because He is full of glory and to be able to seek Him is desirable above all things and humility is required as to be able to, so that has to be an ardent ongoing prayer.

Has to be.

Because it's not within me to be able to maintain it, myself.

What will it take to strike the fear of God into people, in this age? I keep trying, but yet know it's not something I can do. Started reading Proverbs this morning. For...the second time, ever. For the first time actually paying any amount of attention, apparently, or maybe just with any degree of comprehension...discretion... Did you know that fear of God is the beginning of KNOWLEDGE, too?

Everybody knows fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, from what seems.

But there, right at the beginning of Proverbs, just a few verses in--fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

And it seems there's distinction made between those who are simple and those who are fools?
Simple=ignorant(lacking knowledge/wisdom)? Foolish=idiotic(acting in contempt of knowledge/wisdom)?

Which brings to number two:

Discernment is largely misrepresented and misunderstood, as a concept. And it is of so much important in the walk of faith. The Holy Spirit is the internal witness which teaches and directs and discloses discernment, from what has been my experience. Not mentally sourced.

But it's not a matter of picking things apart, because that seems the general comprehension of the concept. Not that at all, although that can become part of it, in instance.

It's not a matter of consciously considering, unto judgment, either. Not sitting and weighing. Not deliberation. It is none of those things, as they are all mentally founded. Founded in physical knowledge.

It's just a knowing.
You just know.

It's not sitting and thinking it out. Although experience has shown that at certain times, if the situation is prayerfully enough approached, a person can ask questions regarding what's going on and why there was an alarm and get direct response, scriptural. But, again--it's spiritual, not sitting and picking apart.

Rather, something like...well, sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut, honestly, depending upon what's said...something like that happens, or just absolute lamentation, or even grief...or indignation, although that's not one I can deal with very well, so it's not usually given me--work-in-progress of a better known and more progressive sort...

In response to something someone has said. Or done.

And it's nothing from me, because I'm not aware enough of anything to have any reason for having so moving a response as sometimes comes. So, I ask questions. Having already been filtering through all being said, prayerfully, I see what caused that response and ask why.

Stuff like that, if He didn't want me to know, He wouldn't allow me to ask. And I'd gladly accept being told it's not my business nor my need to know--because most all things are as that.

Just little bits and pieces, here and there. Don't know why.
Just bits and pieces.

All a path nearer to Him, ultimately.

Any way it goes, there's just such a dire need for discernment these days, and I don't know if folks are even aware of the need. Or aware of the need to pray and pray and pray for it.

I really don't have any comprehension of how things have gone for me, of salvation. Sometimes...sometimes it seems I apostasized.

Because He did respond to me, as a youth. But I just don't know.
And if that is the case...there's even a further horror in all that's happened.

But it's in His will, either way and whichever it's been. I don't know. I don't understand.
I don't need to know.
I don't really know if I even want to know, given as terrible as all the things already realized are.

How could He love?
And, yet somehow...by grace...