Another Life.

I had no idea there were so many controversies regarding salvation, until such point as now trying to figure my own out.

Things are STILL changing. STILL changing. Still keep realizing things which need repented, repenting, going back to the Word, praying, talking to the Lord, and so on.

Just...even as I go to the Bible for so many things, even that's different now. Two years ago, and this is the reason I even started picking it up--I'd started figuring myself saved, given that I'd said the prayer and "believed" and knew it was expected to read the Bible...didn't want to, didn't have any desire to whatsoever, but I knew it was something which "went with the deal" so did it. Because, a year prior to that, my dad had given me my (deceased) mom's KJV study Bible, and the one time I'd opened it there was this really weird sensation and just this sense of awe. And I didn't understand then, but two years ago...with another Bible, in the midst of some serious mental/physical/emotional stress I started opening to Psalms. And to Matthew. Only those two.

I refused to look at anything besides those chapters, and only opened the Bible in moments of distress--knowing I was supposed to be reading more, given that I was supposed to be saved, just eventually finding something compelling in curiosity of reading so many words which made no sense. Eventually beginning to experience solace in them, wanting to understand...

And there are other things, so many things which just make no sense, even in context of having learned a little smidgeon and having heard some small bit from the Lord through reading.

So many things.

But...just, with the way things have gone...it doesn't seem as though salvation was an overnight thing. It doesn't seem as though it was something which happened in church. And no one either in any of the churches attended or outside of them ever said anything to give any indication that I WASN'T saved, all so many years before now.

I was living a life of complete indulgence, excess, and walking into death every step of every day, and it was terrible. It was horrible. And sometimes, stuff will come back to mind, things which used to go on...people, places, things...and will attempt to tempt. But it's just...those things which seemed so well--they were are completely founded upon desperation and loneliness and uncertainty and internalized rage and pain and bitterness and fear and suffering.

All the stuff. All the days considered the best were so full of pain and longing and even the laughter was ridden with an edge of despair. The most hearty laughter was always laced with utter desolation. Completely.

THAT is not fun. THAT was emptiness. THAT was pain. THAT was depression.

And with all the stuff that keeps trying to come up to mind and tempt me back...? Honestly, I've been afraid to even face it, before now--I've been afraid that I'd still see something there which would truly tempt me. I was afraid there'd be something there which I'd still want.

Who would want to go back to loneliness? Yeah, I know I periodically lament not having sound counsel to go to, but...really, being able to fall to my knees and pray is more fulfilling than nearly all conversations on any given day. What is there to lament, of that?

Who would want to go back to constant pain of despair, desolation, and depression? Yeah, I know I get frustrated still sometimes with my inability to comprehend the hows and whys of certain things, but...that frustration ultimately dissolves in the face of the One who holds all things. He knows all, and I need naught, for so knowing Him. What despair can be, in knowing one's Creator is sovereign?

I used to think chaos and terror were playthings, and the very thought of that regard turns my stomach, now...causes trembling and sorrow. Fear of the Lord is the only worthy fear, all else are abomination. His order is complete, so far beyond the ability of the world to comprehend that we none can begin to reach for understanding. All is subject to Him--to His will, even as He has created some into positions where capacities for responsibility yield actions which mock Him...so will grace, mercy, judgment, and wrath also take part, as He wills.

Just...I remember...there were times, given certain philosophical/pseudo-religious bends, whereby certain levels of "peace" had been achieved. Loving all things. Loving everyone. "All is one"-sort of nonsense, permutations of which are utterly permeating everything, these days...

..a certain level of peace, though. But it was false peace. It didn't abide. It was entirely dependent upon works. It was entirely dependent upon maintaining a certain mindset and upon doing certain things in certain ways, on certain days, and if there was any amount of deviation...things just fell apart completely.

Meditation was one of the big things. And I wrote a lot, then. A LOT. Elsewhere, obviously. And a lot of maintenance had to do with human interaction. Period--without human interaction, things disintegrated rapidly. Oh, and the alcohol. Copious amounts, which varied.

And cigarettes.
And who knows what else, but certainly a bunch of other stuff.

Now...it's not like that. There's a difference now, even from a few months ago. But it's not acts which are required to maintain peace--it's acts which are avoided which help to maintain it. Bearing in mind that "peace" isn't quite the word, even, for the fellowship with the Spirit.
There are certain things which take focus off the peace, and that's just something which isn't to be permitted. Being able to rest in His love is too precious to tamper with for sake of watching CNN or any other bit of trite nonsense which persists.

It's worth not fighting, over keeping such peace.
It's worth not worrying, so to rest in His love.
It's worth forsaking fear, so to fear the only One truly worthy--even yet, loving beyond comprehension.

He's worth giving up this world for, so to live crucified as a living sacrifice unto Him.

So, when stuff tries to come back, really it's just a matter of perspective.
...the reluctance to disband the attempted temptations in part has come from hearing so many pastors talk about how fun sin is, lately (lately=within six months, for current purposes). Hearing them talk about how fun sin was, but how much fun being Christian is, moreover.

And it's made me question myself, is what it's done. Because I'd gotten to the point where it wasn't fun. It was absolutely terrible. It was torturous. It was like pitting my stomach with a knife. ...but, if a pastor's going to off-handedly remark upon how fun sin was, in the middle of a sermon...then compare the Christian life to it, as to make it seem the winner in fun...

...it's just given a lot of confusion, and is why there are certain churches I haven't been able to go to for months.

Sin isn't fun. Sin is destructive. It absolutely destroys everything it touches, some more quickly and more severely than others. But, nonetheless--it kills. It's toxic. Not fun.

So, to be tempted to sin? That's like the temptations I used to have for a while, driving the interstate--this inexplicable compulsion to drive off bridges, drive into things, close my eyes, just bring death. It was absolutely terrifying to drive, for a while, 2010--I couldn't be behind the wheel, except that it was almost uncontrollable but to drive into something which would reap death. Inexplicable.
Took months to overcome. Months.

By the grace of God, even then.

...but apparently, according to one psychology professor (practicing psychologist)--it's not an uncommon phenomena.

It's demonic, is what it was. And, no. Just no.

Sin is that. It's like being in a car, going 70mph down the highway, getting the urge to drive into a tree. Or, being tempted to weave back and forth on the road, even. Pointless, destructive.

So, what for this recent temptation to move again? ...this recent temptation to go and set up a life again, pre-emptively?

Yeah--no. That's alright. I've already got those scars, from similar such endeavors. It's well to just wait, and pray. Not knowing what's next, now, while knowing it's in God's hands...so far exceeds, as a desired course, knowing the difficulties unleashed by disobedience.

I'd rather be tried than disciplined.

Just as with this past weekend, one of the ladies asked me if I'm interested in missions. It took everything in me not to go on a tirade about how much that's what I've so longed to do. But, quickly remembrance was brought to remembrance that I want to be obedient to the will of the Lord. If it's His will that I go to missions, He'll work it out.

I mean, goodness--He's worked out so many things that were just absolutely beyond the realm of chance as to be indecipherable as anything other than providence... ...so, I know He'll let me know.
Just as much as He keeps me from stalling out the car, aside of times when anxiety outcrops prayer--wholly my fault, the latter (which was actually given as a requisite for getting the car, that it had to be manual transmission...given that my timing is complete crap, driving MUST be a very prayerful experience, otherwise it goes very poorly--I can't drive without Him, in other words, because I can't drive a manual transmission...which point is driven home any time attempt to drive is made without prayer throughout--keyword: attempt).

Point being, He's in control, so it's ridiculous to get all antsy about stuff. Such a human tendency. Must stop. No point in indulging it. Anxiety doesn't make the time pass more sweetly.

Ah, yes--the temptations to Florida.

It's been crossing my mind, these past couple of days, to move back to Florida. Now, wouldn't that just be absurd? Not that it couldn't be done, but that it shouldn't. And so, it won't.

Because, the consternation of present with myself is not that I can't do things, just that I shouldn't. Because there's something preferable.

Just makes me wonder...if I hadn't taken the management position in 2012, might this point have come more quickly? If I'd been following Him then...rather than just giving some rather distorted lip-service to the religion..?

My heart was far from Him. I wanted the promises, without being willing to concede to the conditions.

And I listened to something a while ago which that brings to mind. Something about so-called "Lordship Salvation," which makes no sense.

If He's not Lord of your life, then to what use are all the epistles? If it's not a work of the Holy Spirit, but solely of grace, through your own faith...then why or how are we to become sons of God, such as do walk in the Spirit?

It just seems as though folks get so caught up in doctrine, they forget both the Holy Spirit and the Bible--an indispensable team, for those who are so blessed as to have them, even as the Holy Spirit guides into all truth.

Alternately, unless the Holy Spirit draws someone to salvation and into a knowledge of Jesus, no amount of lip-service to religion is going to be of any effect. Unless the Holy Spirit performs a work of repentance within a person, they will not even realize what the term means. Just as, unless the Holy Spirit regenerates a person, creating them a new creature...there is no salvation.

Wouldn't it just be better to agree that we're all wrong, and that God's the only one who's right, and just leave it at that? ...and seek HIM, rather than definitive doctrine?

But, then, the argument could be made that I don't know enough about doctrine, one way or the other, to have any opinion whatsoever. Well enough--yet my salvation and baptism give me a cause and unction to proclaim the Gospel, which supersedes all doctrine, at least according to Paul.

My question is just still--given that the Holy Spirit guides us into all truth, teaching and directing us, why are people so bent on setting things in stone as to argue over distinctions in interpretation? Seriously. For real--who's to say each person hasn't interpreted according to their own placement in the body of Christ, as to function and unction?

Just as each of the epistles was written to a different group, with particular constraints and needs and shortcomings, don't we yet each possess such things?

Granted, though, there are some overarching messages which must hold true for all--Christ, creator of all things, the only begotten son of God, crucified as propitiation for our sins, buried, resurrected, ascended to Heaven now to reign eternal, Savior and Lord...

...even as there are some things which have increasingly come to seem questionable to the faith. Like what-with ..decisional regeneration..

And I still don't get this whole "inquiry room"-thing which was apparently de rigeur when people started using the terminology "make a decision for Christ."

Although, from reading through snippets in this website...regarding Spurgeon and Moody, at present...it seems that back in the day, conversion considered a separate instance entirely from "making a decision for Christ." ...like, they expected people to make a decision to follow Christ, to pursue Jesus until He answered. Which He will--He said He will. Those who seek will find. Those who call upon the Lord WILL be saved.

The Sistine Chapel painting of God and man comes to mind, though. With God reaching out and man just kind of lolling back and not at all being concerned--his hand stretched listlessly out, as though to perhaps reach for God, but not ardently done.

That sort of calling upon the Lord is rampant, and fearful for men's souls.
He seeks those who will worship in spirit and in truth, after all.
...not at times convenient to their schedule. ...nor at times personally directed.

In spirit AND in truth. Always.

Something heard from one of the recently considered preachers, regarding heaven, put further clarity to something expounded a few weeks ago. In regard to hoping that in heaven there's going to be some better language to more adequately and aptly praise the Lord...
...given that He is infinite, there will always be something beyond anyone's ability to comprehensively evoke in word, as to glorify. There will always be something more.

But, then, so will there always be days and times and words more and further used to praise.

I'm seriously confused about this whole "doctrine"-thing, by the way. In case that's not COMPLETELY obvious. =) (I feel like it is.)

Just...yeah...why can't it be enough to just read the Bible, pray, and fellowship?
I don't understand why works of men have to try to get up in the business of understanding the Lord's great work and His majesty.

Seriously. I mean...people think I'm a complete idiot, anyway, just given my faith.
Like as receiving, "Your faith is so precious," condescending-bit from an uncle, last weekend--just short of the pat on the head, which may as well have been inclusive... ...after trying to impress upon them all the severity of the situation in the church, at present, and urge further reality of the Lord. But...eh--I can only do as the Lord gives. It's just somewhat disheartening.

And that sort of response comes regardless. Even if I were to speak their language, the only way possible for them to speak mine is one which isn't within my capability as to purvey...as it wasn't mine own work to acquire--such grace.

Still, going to continue learning. Period.
And writing, too, apparently.

Lord willing.
Seriously.