These past many hours have been wholly...
...there are no words.
Night before last, to've been delivered from the very grasp of the enemy, in dream...by the name of Jesus, by which all knowing tremble, by His grace and mercy? Awoken, as the thing transformed before my very eyes, shrieking in rage and yet wanting to utterly destroy me...and I sought praise. I sought praise, being surrounded on all sides by those which wanted to rip me to shreds. I sought praise yet could not find it, so great was the oppression. And, still crying out to the Lord for deliverance, a shrill...chirp?...whistle?...alarm?...I don't even know...sounded, and I awoke to it.
Not fearful, no, just seeking the Lord, staying in Him, as being so surrounded by forces attempting to marshal against. When I awoke, I couldn't move. I just stared at the ceiling, and prayed. And still could feel the influence of such evil...and spoke out again, commanding it to leave in His name--and the words just came forth, without will, that it was not I which commanded, but He which lives in me, and so to do, to go, in His name. And, at once I could speak, pray in the Spirit, and praised. Praised Him for His faithfulness to deliver.
Praised Him for the power of His might, for the glory of His name. Praised Him for His faithfulness, for remaining with me, for being with me...even such a sinner as I... ...oh, His love. And I praised so quietly, until I could sing. And then sang unto Him, praising His holy name, praising His wonder, His awesome power, His glory, and that He is above all.
Praising that the work would continue, sanctification. Thanking Him. Until I could move.
And then, the Bible. To read, and read aloud. Quietly, but aloud. Taking refuge in His Word.
Taking further refuge in His Word.
It must be done.
And there was a thing given to be done, yesterday morning, to attend to a ministry. To go and fellowship. I don't know why, but just to go was the thing.
So, fellowshipping all night with the Lord, having awoken...able to move at 12:56am...I remained awake, took the opportunity to worship and commune. Because it's a privilege. And to be so awoken? I wanted the time with Him.
I needed it.
And so, did.
At 7am, I was exhausted and doubting and prayed to Him as to whether I had ought still go. Let it be entirely in His hands, still, as to whether. I lay down to sleep. Awoke at 8:01. And, so went.
Fellowshipped with brothers and sisters in Christ, after the meeting--wonderful, to be able to sit amongst those who know the Lord. How, ultimately, all the things passed away from conversation, as we were each able to testify finally to His grace and mercy, and how wonderful He is, and how powerful. Sovereign.
It was good.
And, then all the many things to do, cleaning and ordering as to assist at the place of current habitation. No one else around, so able to do far more than otherwise would have been.
Then, to the other place called for the evening.
Intercessory prayer for an hour, as a group, then...church.
They've been working to put on a conference about worship, with people from across the country. And have asked for prayers, on all sides, as things have sprung into place.
First note which grieved, wholly--a desolate sort a feeling come up, then prayerfully regarded to the Spirit, as to why...worship was not held, last evening. One song to the Lord, then halted.
Because "they need[ed] to practice for the conference."
Oh...
Just pray on that, for a moment, as to the implications.
I'm not sure it's even given me to outlay them, right now.
Either way, worship of the Lord was foregone because the people needed to prepare themselves for a work purportedly unto God. And not to "practice" in the form of prayer. But to "practice" in the form of worship.
So, rather than worshipping, they were given by the pastor to practice.
Rather than leading the congregation in worship, it was given more importance that they should be able to perform before men.
My heart is so broken, right now, over all these things. I love these people and have worshipped the Lord amongst them. I have heard the Word through their ministry, time to time. And have fellowshipped in the Holy Spirit with brothers and sisters who there convene.
I love them all. period
Regardless of responses periodically received, it's been given as to be among them in worshipping and extolling the Lord. And there is so much love there, in and of and by and through and about that.
So, to hear mockery come from the pulpit. A derisive note, called as humor. Derogatory remark upon any and all and those unknown...moreso, those unperceived... ...in the guise of humor?
Then, further, a mockery made "in jest" of one ministry within that ministry which actively seeks to reach the broken? An outreach, which does so...made mockery, in jest?
To the extent that not only was the ministry mocked, but so was God, in the same breath.
For, as it was said, it was that ministry who let the pastor know he wasn't God. In a sarcastic tone, laughing.
Sarcasm is such a...
...it has no place in the heart of a believer.
And, this, coming from someone who once took sarcasm to such blasphemous depths that it wasn't even recognizable as sarcasm, any longer, that it had become so wholly unholy.
Only...ONLY...by the grace of God am I free. ONLY.
For any of us, it's so...just...I thank Him so much, so very much, for having mercy on one who was so set against Him.
I don't know why, I can't explain it. But, having been delivered, I see the danger. Living in an ever-increasing, trembling awe of the Lord...it strikes absolute terror into my heart, to even consider those paths, let alone to laugh about them in the midst of a congregation. It just cannot be done.
As if the blasphemy was not bad enough, last night...then, speaking of the devil's works with the same laughter, over the congregation. And, getting them to laugh, as well.
Even as it had begun, the story which was to conclude in a reiteration of the word...laughing at how it should have come to mind, at how he could speak it before a congregation, as how he, a pastor of the Word, could have such a word come to mind and be spoken from the pulpit...laughing at all those things, and getting the congregation to laugh along...oh, the abomination. Mocking God, in the office of pastor.
Lord, have mercy. They do not know, oh, they do not know.
But by grace, and only by grace, do I, Lord. Please, have mercy.
Just...hearing that word used...one which so many people could make cases for being so innocent, even, even as it's wholly associated with satanic rite...it doesn't matter what the word is, all that matters is the spirit associated with it. And speaking it over the congregation?
Just...I can't explain to you what happened. Hearing the story begin, hearing the word spoken again, over the congregation...laughing about it, then to begin "regaling" with the story of how it came about that a pastor would speak such a word in front of a congregation...hearing it spoken again, all this stuff just started happening simultaneous, within me, and I prayed...
I cried out to the Lord, to help us...oh, please, Lord, just help us.
And he continued, and all of a sudden, just something happened and I was completely stricken with both utter and heart-rending grief and this absolute need to just flee. Flee as though my life depended upon it. Crying out in pain, all the while, just stricken completely. I couldn't see, nearly, except just to run. And, even then, just so completely...oh..
That grief, earth-shattering, soul-quaking, mind-erasing, heart-destroyed, physically-incapacitating grief...has only ever come upon me a few times, before. Never before concurrent with such terror as made it near impossible to even look at the building.
When I got to the car, crying out to God...stricken...I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything, just...stand there and pray and sob.
I didn't know what to do, whatsoever. I still don't entirely understand what happened. It's just too far beyond me.
The only thing was to cry out Jesus. That was all. That was the only thing I could do. And I did it, asking Him what to do, not knowing...having no idea, any longer, as even how to move. Just...what to do, Lord.
Two women came out from the church. One whom I've spoken with numerous times as possible in passing, these past many months. She is involved in the outreach ministry, as was I. It's what took me to that church, in ways.
Knowing they have that ministry.
She wanted to know. And the woman who followed her wanted to know.
And it was given me, to tell them. They tried to rationalize it away, to take away from the significance, to relegate humor to making it all acceptable...to say that it had no power, so to speak or to hear. And it was given me, the refutation.
I collapsed. Literally. Further than just to weep, to grieve, but unto physical incapacitation, upon my knees...crying out. Pleading with the Lord. Begging Him to have mercy, as He has upon me. Knowing that nothing I know or see or have is even anything which I have ever been due, but knowing that it's all given by Him, deliverance and fear of Him and knowledge. For He had such mercy upon me, please upon them. Deliverance, deliverance from delusion.
They tried to coax me back into the church. I could barely look at it. Such fear.
It was given to explain some small amount. And that to apologize only that my departure was so abrupt, but for nothing else. I told them I had only regret that the departure was so abrupt. But for nothing else.
Listen to no one except the Lord. Let Him guide all understanding taken from any which others say. Trust fully and wholly in Him. Jesus is faithful, He does not deceive.
He IS the Truth.
Today, I was so blessed as to be permitted to go and meet with the leader of the outreach ministry and his assistant. They wanted me to attend a leadership conference with them, today, and prior to what was done by the pastor, last night, it was an open course as far as my awareness went, so I'd agreed to meet them at the appointed time this morning. Just...it has continued to go through my mind, "come out from among them." Come out from among them.
Come out from among them.
So, it was not certain whether it would even been permissible to go and bid them well, this morning. He awoke me in time as to do so, and very prayerfully still considered, then I went.
And we spoke. I was given to tell them of certain things as to the reason, but that return was not possible. Not into that church.
Oh, and, of certain things witnessed. Weeping, again, speaking of how the pastors recent involvement in one of the outreach's offices resulted in him taking opportunity to mock people with particular certain physical affliction, in front of the group...visible affliction, which was then present and noticeable, in the congregation...in such a one as the girl who testified yesterday that she doesn't know Jesus. That she hasn't "accepted Him as Lord."
He was making mockery, sarcastically mocking the affliction of some...in the purported office of pastors, doing such a thing...mocking even those who had come into a Christ-centered teaching, certainly by the grace of God...mocking the unsaved, to their faces. Then purporting to speak of Christ.
On His behalf.
I so want an explanation for that. So very desperately want to know what's going on, that someone should profess a desire to be led by the Holy Spirit, profess Him as one's dearest friend and companion, and then grieve Him beyond reckoning, without even having any awareness of so doing.
I so want to know what has happened, there, and it's been of these past few weeks. Although, there may have been something before. I don't know. All I know is that something changed a few weeks ago, and all of a sudden, there's a frustration and contempt which has come into nearly everything spoken.
Or, maybe it's just that I didn't see it before?
I don't know. I really don't.
All I know is that I remember the day he stepped behind the pulpit and just...something was different...there was a hardness which I'd not seen before. There was no longer a light in his eyes, nor a joy in his step, even as there was some new and foreign determination in his walk. There was no longer a peace about him, but a restlessness.
And I just don't know whether it was something that changed in me, so to see it as having reached a further point of sanctification through repentance and fellowship with the Lord, or whether it was something that happened in him.
I don't know.
But I'm thinking it's the latter, even as the former continues. He's been rationalizing humor, recently, while in the pulpit. He's taken time in the past couple of weeks, in the midst of talking about the Lord, to talk about how he has been bringing humor and how it is such a good thing, how he wants more.
That there are those who have forgotten how to laugh and he wants to make them laugh. Nothing so much about it being something directed by the Lord, nor of how he prays about the process, but...in the manner of speaking, he's been moving closer and closer to equating his efforts with the work of the Lord. Hearing the humor, though, being mocked in the midst of a congregation...even as he mocks himself, also, there's no pacification...being personally mocked, even without their awareness of it...seeing others begin to shift around and get uncomfortable? Seeing that certain things affect certain people, and then hearing him rationalize it as a good thing? ...to the extent that more and more people have begun to laugh?
It's a very fearful situation.
And I found something demonic in the church, not terribly, terribly long ago. It was...strange.
Praying, still.
So, een as I can no longer be there...that's all the more reason to pray all the more ardently for them.
Because I love them.
And, seeing the things happening just makes me fear for them, so very much.
But the Lord has it.
It's all in the palm of His hand. So, no more to fear of that.
He knows.
He told me last night that He heard my prayer. In the parking lot.
And that's when the grief broke, just a bit.
Because He is good.
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