Just to Know Him...

Today was full of such grace. Oh, the Lord is just so merciful and giving.

Not only was it possible to attend the same church again, but there was even more fellowship. Such a blessing! SO many things to pray about and to give thanks for!

There was one regrettable instance wherein my response wasn't necessary or beneficial and would've been better held back, maybe, but...that's not even known for sure. Just...an instance. Well meant on both sides, and much apology from and to each. It's fairly obvious from everything that's hereabouts, most likely, that discretion is something still being honed.

Obedience.

So many things.

Today was just full of so many blessings, and even the uncertain moments of receiving sound counsel from those with more experience...SOUND counsel...even the uncertainty regarding what to do with it...aside of to listen and continue to pray and praise the Lord for receiving such blessings..

How can a person go from a complete lack of (visibly present) accountability to a wealth of sound advisors, without there being prayerful endeavor to further conform to the Lord?

There are just so many things. So, so many things to do, to "deal with" and it's absolutely uncertain how to do even the smallest little bit. Except to just proceed very prayerfully.

Two of the ladies there spoke with me at length, today, sharing their testimonies and experience of salvation and deliverance. Absolutely wonderful, to hear the Lord glorified and see Him glorified in His people (oh, so much more than merely this simple statement! Love for my sisters!). He is so good to us. So exceedingly, incomprehensibly good to us.
Mighty to save.

Balance has to be maintained. Has to be. And the only way so to do is devotion to the Lord through prayer, worship, and ardent Bible study. Which, in this world, it's so easy to fall behind on each. Far too easy to compromise into other designs.

But then, there are so many things further beyond my completely limited experience. So many.
There are folks who have walked with the Lord for decades, unwaveringly (on the whole). That just...amazes, thought of being with Him for so long, in such ways...further growth.

Something that's really strange...for some reason, it's easier to trust Him when He's all I have than it is when there's perception of "having resources." Same as with back in January/February. Repenting of aspects of rebellion revealed, having completely renounced the profession which was found such a detriment...with a minor amount of resources remaining, ongoing bills, a car which was all but fallen apart (by the grace of God, it would've held together so much longer if need be!--they couldn't even resell it at a dealership, it was sent to auction...Mr. James let me know so, when I finally found the spare key to send in), a living arrangement which was completely tenuous, and all the many things up in the air...

...and, there was just such trust. I've looked back on that period in somewhat perplexity a few times, recalling the severity of the situation as a whole--having just been released from the hospital, unequivocally renouncing the job, everything completely uncertain and unknown...and still just absolutely knowing that it was what was necessary, that no matter what appearances were, the job HAD to go, otherwise death.

When you look at things in terms of "either make this change or die" with sincere literalism, there tends to be a greater degree of initiative and resolve, perhaps. And, yet, it IS that, when choosing whether or not to seek the Lord and His righteousness FIRST.

Everything that could fall apart had fallen apart, was all. A minor thread remained, financially, alongside knowledge that anything could happen at any time. But there was just such peace in complete conviction that God would make ways where there were none. Period. Whatever it took, there would be ways.

And then, a letter received from an insurance company--"Final Notice" for an insurance settlement from mom's death. Enough to pay off almost all debt, manage life for the next many months (unfortunately wasting some in the process), by the grace of the Lord secure transportation reasonably, move cross country, move family cross country and get them initially settled to some extent, tithe, and to do as required by the Lord. To the extent that none is saved. None could be...there were places and people and things required given.

It's just so strange though, that when there was basically nothing, I trusted the Lord unwaveringly for provision moreso than when there was a "sense of security" in having a small amount set aside. Same thing, at present. I trust Him, having only Him.

And even then, He's made such provisions for me that...it's incomprehensible. On a lifetime, monthly basis...base bills are covered. Tithe and bills.

Because it's all His. Period.
Both the stuff I'm stewarding and all the world and time and things in it.
It's all His.

...

There are some things still being struggled with regarding family. Entirely obvious, most likely, given recent accounts.

I keep losing sight of the fact that my place is to love them and serve them, not to question anything in regard to them nor to question the Lord's will in regard to circumstances (blasphemy).

JUST to love and to serve.

That was very aptly pointed out earlier today, by grace of the Lord through one of my sisters.

Prayer continues that perspective remains and temptation to yield to suspicion and all the other horrid bits isn't given in.

I love them. Period. And, hard to say--they may be just a concerned for me, given the contortions likely obvious in my personality on some level, during the times when "anxiety for them" overtakes. That is entirely possible.

...anything beyond love and service is presently entirely the Lord's business solely, and not my own.
Especially given that I've been doing such a horrible job even of loving, let alone graciously offering all service.

...

Trusting Him when things look like complete chaos isn't an option. In those moments when absolutely everything conceivable, plus things even unacknowledged, turns into what appears as total destruction...those are the moments when there is NO choice. Trust Him or perish, is the way of things. When there is absolutely no way out, He is not an option--He IS salvation.

Knowing that, having lived it so many times in so many ways...is a greater blessing than can be expressed and it's not something anyone is worthy of. No one. Period. No one is worthy to know Him, to be saved, to be shown mercy.

But that's grace--unmerited favor.

And just the fact that we're all alive, any and all who are or were or will ever be...even that mere fact is wholly grace.

Further, that there are those who are drawn to salvation and who are drawn to seek the Lord, and who come to know Him through conversion and sanctification? ...such a grace, inconceivable by our standards. Yet, He is full of grace. Full of love. Full of mercy.

That none of us could ever deserve such a blessed acquaintance is absolutely to His glory, in that He so freely gives to those who ardently seek.

And yet, even to seek...even to begin to...is something gifted through grace, by the Holy Spirit.
So great is He, so mighty to save.

He even answers sinners' prayers, when they're spoken in earnest with desperate sincerity.
Oh, the many times He's delivered from the hands of death...

Just...there are so many people who absolutely loathe even His name. All the more to His glory, that once was I one...and yet, He brought me to repentance and saved me. Not by anything I did, for sure--there was a time, many years, during which I was repulsed by even the thought of Christians. There was a time during which it was a perverse pleasure to rip them verbally to shreds.

I forget about that, so often. How ungodly, how blasphemous, how outright...wretched I was.

Even for having done such a thing once is atrocious, no matter frequency. Just once is sufficient unto abomination. Just once is completely worthy of the very wrath of God poured out...

...and for so many like things, too, far beyond even just that aforementioned.
A life of blasphemy, a walking abomination.

A completely foolish thing. Completely.

Worthy of nothing more than the direst wrath of God, in order to satisfy the justice of His holy righteousness as so offended by my outright scornful rebelliousness and idolatry.

That's why there's nothing else for me. Because to see all that. To know all that, to have even an inkling of a mote of an idea of how truly wretched my life has been...? ...and to know that my just punishment was meted out upon and willing endured by Jesus, Himself, so that I could be saved? ...so that, in knowing and trusting in His sacrifice as propitiation...in knowing and trusting in His resurrection and His Almighty Power...
...I'm saved, unto Him.

To know how horrible I was, and sometimes still am...and yet that He spared my life so very, very directly and obviously even while I was in the dredges of the worst of things...and, not on that, but drew me to Himself and saved me by grace, into His divine work...?

To know all that, how could there be anything EXCEPT wholehearted pursuit and self-sacrifice?

Even as there's periodic temptation to institute penance upon myself, to endure some further suffering or go about doing things which knowingly would cause mental, emotional, physical, spiritual decline...even as that's a periodic temptation, seeing how wretched I've been...His love for me is too great to allow such a thing. He loved me so much to bear all that suffering I so rightly deserved, for me. How terrible and mocking of the sincerity of His divine work would it be, for me to attempt to abnegate grace by further idolizing myself in pre-empting His divine judgment?

That's such a difficult thing to get beyond, is all. The "martyr complex." It's so very idolatrous, blasphemous, and nefarious.

Because the point of particular which begets the temptation is realization of how very unworthy anyone is of salvation. The deeper the thought of lack of worthiness, sometimes temptation can come to negatively idolize unworthiness. To the extent that perceived unworthiness becomes "deemed worthy" of suffering...suffering not sanctioned by Christ, as it is sought to perpetrate that which was endured by Him on the unworthy party's behalf.

As with all things, the entirety has to be spiritually discerned. I know how easily such a one can go to verses about those who suffer for Christ's sake, then to idolize the suffering as a means of jousting for position.

It's all been on my mind so much, for many years. Much of my mindset in 2002 was fixated upon the idea that suffering was a means to enlightenment of some sort, or that it was a means of transcending the mundane. And that it was a necessity for the penitent, unequivocally...and had ought be sought with all ardor, by those who so deserved.

Five and a half years in a verbally, emotionally, physically abusive relationship was endured under those lines of reasoning--compounded by the belief that the greatest form of love was to silently and willingly suffer "laying down one's life for a brother"...a COMPLETE perversion of the Scripture, though.

Because SUFFERING was the focal point. Love was intertwined, yes. But it wasn't the primary motivating factor.

Desperation was. Loneliness was. Guilt was. Uncertainty was. Indignation was. Frustration was.

But love was NOT the primary nor the dominant factor. The Lord was not the focal point. Self was.
There's a very dark, twisted seduction involved in thoughts of self-destruction by any means. There's a reckless abandon involved in knowingly proceeding in ways which are harmful...externalizing internal torment, upon one's own being. Then, even to give into such idolatrous belief as it's to a higher purpose to perpetrate and perpetuate such abominations...even unto claiming them (whether spoken or not) as sacrifice to the Lord?

Absolute blasphemy.

And it's so rampant, these days.

By the grace of the Lord, not to be caught up in that again.
And to continue to pray for deliverance for those loved who are yet so bound.

Jesus Christ is mighty to save, a strong deliverer, our living redeemer, our shelter in the storm, and a friend who is closer than a brother.

I pray that He becomes ever more dear and near to each of us, as we continue to develop deeper yearning to know Him, pursuing Him more ardently as each day passes.