There's only grace.

One thing which seems to be one of the largest hurdles to resting in the Lord is internal frustration over the seeming uncertainty entailed in all the walk of the Spirit, which so must define a Christian's life--as those who walk by/are led by/walk in the Spirit are the sons of God.

There seems to be a mass amount of confusion hinged upon that particular idea.

I let it get to me, sometimes, too. And it's just not necessary to be anxious over something that's not understood, period. Because God knows, and trusting Him means I'm relying upon His understanding, not my own.

One thing which has so largely characterized life these past many months is that certain verses in Scripture have just lodged themselves in my mind, as being things which were particularly, if inexplicably, compelling. And, being lodged in my mind, every now and again, they'll come round to the fore for further consideration. Along with increasing desire to comprehend what's truly meant by the verse, as to how it's accomplished...how to be as is described, and what is the nature of what's described?

Like with Proverbs 3:5-6

That ties directly in to what walking in the Spirit means.
...focused on higher things, always.
Always focused on what's true, good, holy, and of good benefit.
Rejoicing in all things, praying without ceasing.
Giving thanks, always, with all prayers and supplications.
Praise must define life.
Giving glory to God, in everything.
Walking in the Spirit, by faith not by sight.
Thinking only on things which are worthy of praise, to Him.

Doing so eradicates anxiety and confusion. Drives them right out.
Period.
They can't co-exist with praise.

Anxiety and confusion are each types of a larger class which was noted as "spirit of heaviness" or oppression. Anxiety and confusion can each be entirely oppressive. So, praise rids them.

Isaiah 61
3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

That's part of walking in the Spirit, is properly adorning oneself with whatsoever a situation requires, as led by the Spirit.

Which...that's been an inexplicable experience. I can describe things which have happened, and how they've happened, but...well, something listened to by Derek Prince this evening, in his message on The Call of God...really did well to aptly term the experience.

Something to the effect of always expecting the unexpected.

Because you never know. You absolutely never know.

Like, for instance--when moving from Tampa to Tazewell in May-June-July...it was unexpected. I got a call about my grandmother...on either it was the 1st or 2nd of May, perhaps?...and had to come see her. Two weeks after having gotten a new vehicle (by the grace of the Lord...even with two weeks to become accustomed to manual transmission before attempting mountainous terrain...given the vehicle traded wouldn't have made the journey, except had it been necessary--then the Lord would have made way...which, He did).

She'd been placed in the care of hospice. With simultaneous MRSA and an e. coli infections severe enough as to have warranted quarantine. She's now 94, by the way.

But, coming up here...there was thought, then, to move. Not tempted to, no--the idea went against the grain of most of the ideas I'd been juggling in the preceding months, really. But, the thought was there...and so prayer followed.

And, my sister and her husband and kids were also in WV for the first time since 2008, simultaneous--their first vacation since 2008 coincided with these circumstances, so they were able to see her too, and we were all amongst family, together, for the first since 2008.

They also felt called to return to the area, so we all continued to pray.

Going back to FL, there was just certainty that the move had to occur. And there was a perceived time-frame. Three weeks. Three weeks to distribute all my belongings in whatsoever way was necessary, then to move.

And, by way of the course of circumstances, most of the things I had have gone to my sister. A good deal were donated to missions, too--larger things, mostly, and things which would have been no benefit to her and her family..

...but, yeah. Wardrobe, knick-knacks, most books, mementoes...all manner of things kept with the intention of letting her choose what to keep and what to donate...she has it all in her possession, and I don't know if ever I'll know whether she's found things of benefit, or whether she's trashed it all. Which, the entire purpose in bringing what was brought has ultimately become apparent as being that she have preference of choice before it was all wholly disbanded to others who could also benefit.

I trust that the Lord will make go as need, by His grace He always does.

But, that...all that...then, here--having given two weeks' notice at the face-painting job at Busch Gardens, with intent to return over the week for the fourth of July holiday to help, stipulating that as per their necessity only if required. Still, plan was to go back to VA, see my grandmother again, try to help my dad get things in order for the house my sister and family were to come to (it took us two days to mow the lawn, for instance...although plan had actually been to help him install a hot water heater, there just wasn't time), and figure out what else could be done.

The whole while, moving, I had no certainty whatsoever where I'd be living. I'd gone back and forth between my dad's house and my grandma's house from 2009 to 2013 prior to moving to Tampa, and didn't want to impose on anyone, yet felt wholly ill at the idea of getting an apartment on my own (I've had two apartments as solitary ventures--the first was in New Orleans, moved in late June of 2005, so that was a traumatic loss...the second was the apartment in the French Quarter, through which balcony railing I fell and died in 2006, but alive now by the grace of God, per His inexplicable mercy on such a sinner as me...just, yeah--not such great experiences trying to live alone). I had the money to pay up front a year, at that point. Or even to make a downpayment for a house (which was a BIG "No.," in prayer). But, had no peace with those options.
And, upon letting my dad know I'd get an apartment, while still trying to sort out how things were going to go...he seemed somewhere between startled and offended, at the notion.
My sister had already told me I could live with them, too.

But, no peace of that latter, and still all the uncertainty of the former.

Except to know that I had to make the trip to Louisiana, after returning to Florida for the 4th of July to work and to assist in moving the woman who'd been renting a corner sleeping spot to me, since April 7(9?). Then, back to VA/WV.

That was the plan, even as I knew it wasn't something which was set in stone. I only knew the things that were immediately in front of me, to accomplish. Distributing my possessions. Making well with work. Church. Prayer.

Then, in no time, three weeks had passed. And I knew a desire to ensure that nothing intended to be kept was left in Florida, despite intending to return in a brief time. And I knew a desire to go to the beach, again, rather than wait for a "final trip" the jaunt in July. And I knew a desire to go and make peace in what ways could be, with the immediately prior roommate.

And I went to VA. And worked the online job which was then available as full-time, just enough as to stay within productivity limits. And went to church. And prayed. And read.
And helped in what ways were possible.
And did what seemed best, in what ways seemed least bothersome to anyone.
And, the weekend it came time to go back to Florida, one of my cousins in Kentucky committed suicide (so sorrowfully distant). And the work in FL hadn't scheduled me, so I prayed and knew the need to go with my father to assist--even if only by being available to do tasks--in making arrangements.

So, no Florida. The lady I'd been staying with called, while I was in Kentucky, but there was nothing to be done. She had assistance, though. There were many, most certainly. She knows so many people.

Then, as soon as returned to VA, call came that circumstances in Louisiana had exploded overnight. Job lost, car taken, no family or friends to call upon. They had enough as to rent the U-Haul. By the grace of God, it had been given me to pay all the rest, so gladly. And to all end as was given to be able to afford assistance in beginning work on the house in WV.

No sleep, from VA to Louisiana, back to central Mississippi. No idea why, but just that sleep wouldn't come, in what time was allotted prior to departing Louisiana. I'd had expectation of arriving, sleeping a day, leaving the next day...but it wasn't given to do. There was an urgency, yet full of praise.

Then, back to WV, and back and forth between WV and VA for two months(?). Until circumstances completely altered. Now, in Virginia, at my dad's. Doing random things.

Mostly praying, reading, listening to all manner of sermons, going to church as possible, fellowshipping as possible, testifying online (hello!), witnessing of the wonder of Christ to any and all who afford half a moment...and just doing whatever else, as comes up and seems right and as is given.

Like laundry. That's a thing which happens. And water-proofing a deck. And apparently soon caulking and out-building. And soon water-sealing a flatbed trailer. And, then, whatsoever else random thing there is to be done.

Like, starting tomorrow, tutoring math.

Maybe eventually grooming dogs, too--that's been presented as a possibility, and if it's the Lord's will that such a thing should be, then so it will. ...they probably thought it was weird that I gave them food, when I went to talk to the owner of the shop...but it was my birthday, and I wanted to share with someone, given prerogative to do such a thing in celebration. She told my stepmom she was looking to apprentice someone, is all. One never knows.

Just...whatever work there is, to come, it will be something which can and will be done to the glory of God. Preferably in a way and place wherein testimony can be an ongoing open event, otherwise the job won't last because that's going to happen either way. Regardless of whether I intend not to, I know better than to think it wouldn't happen--trying to refrain from praising the Lord, when talking to people, is akin to violently ripping out hangnails...far better just to praise the Lord than to suffer.

But that's what it's been like to be led by the Spirit, in my experience.

Sometimes I know with precision what day certain things will begin or end, or when something needs to be undertaken. Sometimes I have no idea what's going to happen (impromptu visit to grandmother in May--she's still alive, praise the Lord!, and has been struggling again with another infection, soon to overcome...and has regained so much strength...impromptu move to Virginia...impromptu restriction against returning to certain churches, superseding any intentions in regard to such places).
Sometimes, every hour in a day is vastly different (birthday 9am support group assistance/attendance as it was housed at a local parole office, business/witness at a local bank, pizza in Christian establishment with Bible reading and silent worship, conversation with dog groomers about all the many things of life then culminating in providing lunch, an hour+ worth of time alone with the Lord in a secluded area as to praise and read the Word, Mexican food with little brother in celebration of birthday, intercessory prayer group for an hour, church, time with the Lord+testimony+praise). I never know.
And even when I start slipping up and missing the mark on things, and having to go through bouts of intense self-examination and repentance again, still...it's all as led, and entirely by grace that such realization should even come unto forgiveness and deliverance.

Goodness, though--there's even been an instance of witnessing at a stoplight, now, which was entirely nerve-shattering and unexpected and...yet compulsory. To what effect? I have ABSOLUTELY no idea. And never will, in this life, most likely. But...whatsoever is given, then by grace, so shall it be done. By grace, alone. I'm not capable. Period.

So, that's kind of the conjoining of the two--walking in the Spirit and being led by the Spirit.
And it's always a work-in-progress to both maintain and develop further.

Just, time to time, and less frequently now than even a month ago...just given the extremity of circumstances, most likely--increasing faith requires being in circumstances which require that it's exercised...circumstances which are wholly possible to survive only through faith's application...

...faith grows through necessity.

But, there are still things, sometimes, where I struggle and fall into anxiety about the "unknown."
Because it ALL is. ALL of it. I don't even know what I'll be doing in an hour. A few weeks ago, this time, I was giving testimony in a hospital an hour from now. Not something intended, expected, desired, nor which could have been planned for. And yet, it happened.

So, it's all unknown. The only sure thing is God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. There's no question, there. There's no uncertainty there. There's no doubt, there. He IS.
And that's increasingly comforting to know and further realize, as increasing realization of how illusory all the rest of what this world yet consists of (especially in contrast to the Lord) has dawned.

Just...there's always a very fine balance to be walked. Like upon a tightrope. (I can't walk a straight line, period...so, it's only by grace that this is possible as even realized.)
That's walking by faith. That's being led by the Spirit. That's walking in the Spirit. That...is walking by the Spirit.

He'll keep us upright. He'll keep us on the tightrope. Just as we must keep in bear in mind that anything which takes focus off the vital task at hand is something which jeopardizes our lives.
We MUST abide in the Lord. We MUST abide in Christ. We MUST follow in His word. We MUST remain in His word.
Otherwise, we've taken our minds off of that tightrope, off of maintaining balance...and, yes--He is mighty to save, and His grace is sufficient, and He's faithful to provide all needs and will never forsake us...just...to take for granted His grace, as to knowingly flaunt position and refrain from yet ardently pursuing Him? To take the Lord for granted is a very dangerous place to tread, and one which proper fear of Him would not permit. Yet...He does chastise those whom He loves...

...but, the tightrope. When anxiety starts griping in on one side, given the perceived precariousness of circumstances...while confusion wails on the other, as to how there seems no end to the uncertainty and there's no defined end to perceived uncertainty and how would it not be better to just at least climb down and cling to the rope rather than to keep walking (further fueling anxiety, in other words...even as anxiety fuels confusion in ways)...
...unless your thoughts go back to the Lord, dwelling on how utterly Wonderful He is and how vast a blessing it is to know Him, resting securely in knowing that He is sovereign and omniscient and that His grace is always sufficient...
...unless your thoughts go back to that and STAY there, no matter what yet seeks so ardently to distract...
...the burdens cast upon each side by things such as anxiety and confusion and depression and desolation and loneliness and anger and frustration and whatsoever else...become so heavy and imbalancing that you're quite apt to lose your footing.
And I don't know if you've ever fallen on a tightrope before, but...given some of the things I have fallen on...I can just imagine how much more that would hurt. Not to death, no. Most likely, given the faithfulness of the Lord.

But, the initial pain itself is a complete shock to one's senses. Numbing all else, really...which can be a blessing, in context of how it's placed all the oppressive thoughts on hold, thus allowing an opportunity to more readily return to appreciation of the Lord which so buoys...
...if one is yet apt.
He'll get us back on our feet, to continue. Or even to crawl, if need be.

Just...it's so much better to remain resting upon Him for strength and security and peace and love and certainty and necessity and balance. Through praise and worship and prayer and remaining in the Word, as much as possible, as much as He so directs and gives as to do...increasingly, then, whatsoever He directs.

Ultimately, we have to rest in Him. There is no other rest. None. All that which claims as rest, else, is illusion. ...distraction. Delusion.
He is the only way onto that "tightrope," though. And unless He beckons us to it, we can't even become aware it's there. So, given that He has called and chosen us to walk that tightrope, He'll keep us from falling.

He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is the gate onto the narrow Way, and the Way, itself.

I just keep thinking, though, is all...
...it has taken such pain and such self-torment and such oppression, to get here.

Doing it all the hard way, was how it went. Only delivered from all that by grace, and nothing deserved at all.

It's just difficult to see so many people, so often...brothers and sisters in Christ...who are struggling with some of these same things which I've struggled against in the past so terribly...and yet, not be able to say anything directly to them. And I don't know why. But there's here, at least.

The idea that Christianity is easy absolutely confounds me, these days. I always got that impression from folks in churches--that "coming to Christ" was supposed to be the thing in life which made everything from that point on completely easy.

Which...well, in a way completely deviant from the one always taken for granted as being intended...it's true. Even as everything is that much more serious and vital and alive and wonderful and glorious in Him...resting in Him does free from all the things of the world. Free from anxiety. Free from fear. Free from anger. Free from the deceits of this world.

Yet brought into a process of refinement, testing, and trial, such that the work of faith begun can and will be perfected. And...all that can be REALLY painful...unless...you rely entirely upon Christ, through all. Praising Him, when the pain comes. Praising Him, when there's no light. Praising Him, when the darkness is complete...because His light banishes all darkness, no matter what it tries to assert. He is Lord of all.

Being told that, though...when I did finally hear it from someone..

...it stuck in my mind. ..put on a garment of praise for a spirit of oppression.

Just do it.

It works. So long as the praise is sincere. And continuous.
You can't just praise Him for two minutes and have depression be banished for all eternity.

You have to start praising Him, praise Him until you actually begin to be sincere about it, praise Him once you are sincere, then praise Him for allowing you to know how worthy of praise He is, then continue to praise Him forever.

Period.

It's those first few parts which were the most difficult.

No one told me that with much clarity.

I had just heard something to the effect of "it's more important to praise Him when you don't feel like it than any other time." ...which kind of summed that there was a point in the praise wherein it wasn't wholly heartfelt, but that persistence was required, nonetheless.

It is.

Because, yeah--in the depths of the depression which had me considering bleach cocktails in January, it felt like nails across a chalkboard to praise Jesus...just praising Him in thought, it was that painful to do. It went against the grain of everything that was wreaking havoc within, to praise Him...

...so I'd do it, cringing, yet continue until something cracked loose. Then stop, exhausted in a way which makes no sense. Then, do it again, when things got especially bad again.

And it was less torturous to praise Him, each time. Until it got to the point where...sometime March, perhaps...I started experiencing such joy in praising Him, any time. Completely stopped listening to secular music, because it had started creating that spiritual sensation of nails across a chalkboard, instead.

And, praise.

...this all, private praise. Personal praise of the Lord, not connected with any person, place, or thing. Just wherever, whenever, with or without vocal or physical effect--just mental praise, usually...spiritual praise through thought. Then, to whatever else was next.

Because...for some reason, even prior to beginning this all personal, private, and experiencing the weird blockades to it, internal...still, prior to realizing that...it was somehow possible to do something akin to praise while in churches, experiencing similar rest and relief...yet only there.

It took concerted effort to break free from the stuff that was such weight. It was a painful process, learning to praise.

Like was said--it was not only uncomfortable, to begin with, it was painful. Grating.
But was continued--knowing it was a true solace to be experienced, so long as it was pursued with intent. And it's evermore a sanctuary, to be able to praise the Lord.

Increasingly so, even still.

My greatest joy is to praise Him, now. And, yet, still there are days when it takes strict discipline to devote myself to that line of thought and comportment. And there are so many lapses. So many.
I don't even need to elaborate that--there's evidence enough rampant, hereabouts.

...when praise has begun to falter, then so does my spirit.

And yet it is in direct opposition to everything in this world, so takes discipline and effort to pursue and to endeavor and to accomplish and truly embrace and rejoice in the gift of praising Him.

Glorifying Him delivers us, though, in some inexplicable way.

So, God bless you, as you continue to praise Him for all He is and does and will always do.