Sanctuary.

Okay, so heard it twice this week...let's see if it finally congealed:

Three things which are the ultimate pitfalls on this earth: lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, and the pride of life.

Yes.

Tonight, twice within an hour 1 John 1:9 was quoted by two COMPLETELY different folks, in two ENTIRELY different scenarios (one was in church, the second was on a phone call with a Red Cross representative which occurred after church--God is so good!):

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Yeah. Confession time?

It'll go as it goes, but either way it remains.
One thing--I've been smoking cigarettes again, for the past few weeks. And I'm still not sure what to think of it. I'd started again, a week+ prior to this instance wrought unto continuation, and just got all sorts of wacked out over it and laid it down in no time flat, out of fear of the Lord.

Then, reading through Revelations...and Jeremiah, was it?--not sure...a few weekends ago, was struck by something which just utterly floored me, and it seemed of inexplicable necessity to be outside, to pray, and to smoke. And I don't know why, and it makes no sense, and I don't know what to feel about it, and I've just become so indoctrinated up to this point to believing that anything which the world deems as destructive and ultimately harmful is an abomination unto God...when the logic in that in wholly absent, given present understanding as to see.

The first day or so of smoking, there were all sorts of random things attacking my mind. I was troubling myself, by giving into them.

Completely. And I'd pray and put down the cigarette and get away and feel like a complete failure.
And then smoke again, and all the things attacking, until I started using it as a time for prayer. Being outside, conversing with the Lord, or reading the Bible.

And witnessing.

There are folks at one of the churches I attend who wouldn't ever speak to me before, with whom I've been able to share testimony over course of a cigarette.

The whole thing has utterly flummoxed me. Because, on the one hand, I've got all these folks condemning me for starting to smoke again. But on the other hand, it's allowed me to witness to folks who otherwise have been entirely reluctant to even make eye contact, let alone engage in dialogue.

I keep referring back to the initial point of quitting, back in early April. When it was something that was a morose thought, to have to quit. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep smoking. For various reasons which don't ultimately matter one whit.

But I did quit, because it was laid on my heart to do so. And, yeah--I "cheated," as some tell me when they regale with tales of going "cold turkey." I used the stop smoking aids. But I quit.

Until the day I got to Louisiana, to pick up my sister and brother-in-law and my nieces. Which...wow, but THAT was an absolutely surreal experience. I spent an entire car ride fellowshipping with the Lord, taking in the Word as given by a brother, and praising and worshipping..even unto prayer which the Lord answered visibly along the way. There was just this urgency which made no sense, and at one point fog so thick I couldn't see 20 feet in front of the car appeared out of nowhere--3 am or so. And, listening to Word about faith, having this sense of urgency which was just indignant at an attempted slow-down...I prayed, asked the Lord, commanded it to go, in His name...and saw it rise. Literally, slowly, rise. Whereas it was too thick to see 20 feet ahead (being conservative in the estimate, not sure if it was actually possible to see that far)...suddenly, there was an entirely clear space of air which was a straight line between the edge of the road and the bottom of the fog.

And that air space increased, again as an entirely straight line, until it all lifted entirely. And only bits of wisps remained periodic, but not settled nor thick.

God is good.

But, the moment I arrived...7 am or so? I started smoking. Knowing I'd have to quit again.
Started smoking and witnessing, with all my might...with everything in me, in the Spirit.

And, after an hour and a half of direct testimony to my sister, overheard as within the same room as my brother-in-law...then, driving to the store to procure some grocery for them (including cigarettes), went to lay down for sleep. And, every time I'd start to get settled, I'd just become overwhelmed with praise to the Lord. And would have to get up, out of joy and enthusiasm.

Tried to lay down to sleep, so many times. So many times. And, every time, as I'd pray to settle in...become overwhelmed with praise to the Lord. To the extent that, by the time they were finished loading their U-Haul, I'd accepted that it was a matter of getting on the road.

And we did.

Immediately.

I slept at a little after 10pm that night, after acquiring lodging (and a dog--so named "King Jesus," by one niece, in honor of Jesus...he's called King, entirely, in practice). Over 30 hours without sleep, which doesn't happen often at all in life. There's generally no call for such a thing, thus no doing.

But, yeah. Awoke sometime around 9am, to go get some necessities for the pup--he was in such a state, poor thing...literally flea-ridden, with ticks, mangy, mal-nourished, dehydrated, and running a fever, with a runny nose (he was in a Hardee's parking lot in Mississippi, but needed a home--such is the grace of God, we had all been in such a predicament prior to salvation, and my mind kept being drawn to the parallels...how great is His mercy and compassion!...all the way home, he refused to perk up after the initial joy at receiving love and attention; so many times, stopping for him and us all, he'd just put his head down, tail between his legs, and refuse to come to any of us to get back on the road...almost as if he was just accepting defeat, without even trying, taking it as given that he'd be again abandoned and trying to pre-empt it by accepting it prior to the event--trying to fulfill it himself, rather than to have us do it, so great was his fear of love and of hope...letting us know it was okay to leave him, that he wasn't worth the effort, so we should just go ahead and get it over with before he began to hope.. ..and, okay, so maybe I was reading a lot about myself in his actions, regarding the love of Jesus, but nonetheless my mind was stricken and heart broken, each time).

Aren't we all that way, though? In some capacity or another, as we come broken before the Lord. Broken by the lives we've led. Broken by our fears. Broken by our unworthiness of His divine love. Broken by our complete unworthiness of His mercy and His goodness and His absolute faithfulness.
Broken. And realizing, finally, in some divinely granted revelation of His holiness...just how unworthy we are, how filthy we are, how utterly dessicated by all the filth of the world and our own blatant disobedience and rebellion unto His holiness and sovereignty? How could He even want to look at us, let alone LOVE us and be faithful and true to us?

But grace.

By grace, through faith, we're made clean. We're made new creatures.
And He loved us, even before, so much as to sacrifice Himself that we could be reconciled to Him.

It's unfathomable.

But, looking at King, now... ...he's the picture of health and happiness and joy. Even as he's going through some rough times right now, given the whole of the household being in a very strange state.
But, he's loved no less. And the Lord will provide. He will, as He has, and does, and always will.

For, He is faithful.

Part of the problem in accepting that, in trusting the Lord...for me, and witnessing it in King initially, was that we were just so accustomed to the ways of the world that it was inconceivable that anything or anyone could be different. It was absolutely inconceivable, regardless that hope for such a thing would not ever die. Experience had proved that the entirety of the world, from those who profess the greatest love (my mother committed suicide, yeah--that's for another day, to discuss, although I will note that the Lord has given me peace), to those who profess lasting love (ever negotiated marriage as a means of agreement, so as not to be alone, before? ...doesn't work, just to say.. ..or, at least, it certainly doesn't work, when against God's will), to those whose love is lasting yet which still somehow doesn't entirely fulfill the craving (my friends have been such a blessing--the Lord has truly been good, over the course of time, to always place in my life people who cared enough to walk through the very fires with me, as was likewise done to the best of ability...and now, ardent prayer continues on their behalf.. ..they showed me such love, such compassion...against and beyond all reason sourced from within the world, did I know such love in them, that they were blessings in truth and spirit.. ..and, yet, there was always a craving for something beyond, as there were some things which they just couldn't enter into with me, as to fulfill the need).

Point being, having felt such a lack for so very long and so ardently, so consciously, and having exhausted all avenues which were conceivable as potential for fulfillment--finding all lacking and falling entirely short... ...when it has come to accepting the love of the Lord, I've struggled.

It has taken months just to begin to accept His love. Because it's entirely unlike the love of the world, and yet that's all I'd ever known as a means of fulfillment. Even the entirely filial love of friends was so very different, sourced and founded so very differently. Love, nonetheless, and creeping unto something akin to that which God has...at least, for me, although given the conversations with them, it seems as such there, too, as to be without condition. Even as they're struggling with reconciling themselves, given the change in me.

But, yeah. The love of the Lord is so very different from anything which the world has any idea of. It's not of this world. It's not according to the strictures of this world. It utterly exceeds them and puts to shame the love which this world proclaims and revels in. Utterly.

It makes mockery of the love this world proclaims, in all ways, without doing so harshly...merely just for the fact of being so pure. Holy.

Beyond comprehension. Beyond fathoming.
Without condition, and dare I say, without requirement.

Just...there's more to it than what the love within this world calls as fulfillment. The Lord's love is redemptive.

It's life altering, in the best of ways, even as part of that involves being put through the wringer a bit, as to bring life back to parts which had been deadened. You ever had a hand "fall asleep" for an extended period? Or, how about frost-bite...have you experienced that? Depending upon the extent of how long that extremity had been malnourished of blood and of warmth, there may be a good deal of not only discomfort but outright pain, as it regains life.

Sometimes. Because it's not entirely like that, either. It's just so much more, and that's only the smallest fraction of the tiniest incident, even unto an atomic-sized portion of the way of things...and that's still too large a magnification of what bit is represented by that example.

But, that's what it's all about. That God is so much more than anything. That His ways are unsearchable, and unknowable, that they're not like our ways. They're so much above our ways, and His thoughts are so much above our thoughts, it's inconceivable to even be able to imagine HOW far beyond our thoughts they truly are. Impossible to fathom.

And that's part of what's so "difficult" about the process of beginning life anew, as a Christian. Because it's absolutely unlike absolutely anything, at any time, anywhere known.

And there's no instruction manual, honestly, although the Bible has certainly helped. It is NOT, as one brother was so aptly well able to have explained, the end-all, be-all of Christian life.

Faith is.

The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Which...just realized, in my mind that latter part has been entirely equated to belief. To the extent that I think I misquoted it a couple days ago.

Just...hm

The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of belief.

Presenting evidence before a judge. Before THE Judge? Faith.
Faith is what you have, as evidence that you believe.

And faith CAN move mountains.
If it can lift fog, it can certainly move mountains.
Just...something I had to learn the hard way (was there anything which I HAVEN'T learned that way?)...trying to do something for the sake of proving it's possible is no bueno.

It got me into all that madness with the...stuff I'd mentioned in closing, edit#1 or #2, last night.
...to prove to myself that things were possible, I embarked. And succeeded.

And all it did, proving things possible for the sake of proving them real...all it did was set me against God.

Because I wasn't seeking them for His sake. I wasn't seeking anything for His sake. I was seeking it out of a desire for self-indulgence of my own curiosities and compulsions and desire for knowledge of power.

Any power which is operated as outside of Christ is utterly wicked. Utterly wicked. And it yields destruction, chaos, and death.

Know that.

Surrendering to Christ leads to salvation, and it also entails letting go of self-idolatry and designs toward power for power's sake. Because it must ALL be Christ-centered, in order for their to be salvation.

ALL. Even as, when we truly begin to seek Him, sincerely, He will meet us there. Wherever we are. But we will be changed. And He will burn away the dross of self-idolatry, as we continue to seek Him, in order that we may come to know Him as He is, so as to truly come into salvation.

I just...I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, to me. All I can do is record what comes up, as it comes up, and it doesn't make a bit of sense.

Listening to brother Washer a couple nights ago--not sure which message, as they've all been so full of difficult yet blessed truth--he made a very brief commentary on how difficult salvation has become, in this age, given how almost entirely immolated folks are by what the world has wrought upon and within them. To the extent that he made a comment that...in order for salvation to occur, now, people have to be completely destroyed in order to even begin. Completely destroyed.

Utter destruction of everything we've built ourselves into, over a lifelong course in indoctrination unto socialization, psychology, science, media, self-help, self-esteem, self-confidence, good works, easy-bake salvation, church politics, and ALL the rest. Because there's just such a total proliferation of the three vices which trap men (as initially listed, up top), in such a variety of superfluous manifestation, all permutations yet the same core three bits...over and over and over and over and over again...

To the end that man is no longer man, but entirely a beast, created unto himself as he has committed such atrocities against God that he even blasphemes Him in breathing, so to laugh at how life is only a joke (oh, Lord, forgive me for those things which I had ever done and said and believed and walked in!).

Life is nothing but a bit joke to most folks, nowadays.
Personally, it had gotten to such an extent of that for me that I perpetually smirked.
Always.

Because it was all just one bit, wretched joke, to me.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Except for that it was an experiment.

Life has simultaneously become a joke and an experiment, to people.

Life is a miracle, y'all. Period.
It is a gift from God.

And, for the fact of it being in us, whatsoever...we should be in absolute awe of the mere presence of breath in our being and in those around us.

We should rejoice unto Him for such glories as abound in evidence of His absolute majesty.

But, instead, folks are dead-set upon being able to ultimately put God under their microscope and study Him as though He were less than one of us, rather than being who He is, which defies any attempt at explanation...let alone, such blatant sacrilege as attempted subjugation. It is enraging, to think upon, and I count myself as blessed beyond any justification for having been saved out of such a thing, for once it was my cause, too.

Once, I wandered across a book detailing the mathematical proof (via physics and all higher maths) of the existence of God. It was in a used&new bookstore in downtown Saint Petersburg, Florida, sometime 2004. And I read the dust jacket. An older book, Eastern European, written in English.
And I seriously considered purchasing it. To the extent, that up until mid-March, it had even been on my mind to try to wind down a copy of the book. But...I have never been able to remember the name of it, never been able to remember the author, and can't even remember precisely which decade it was sourced from...except to know that it was likely published in the same decade which saw publication of all sorts of random bits of particularly riveting information about the inner-workings of some particularly (once, but by the grace of God, not now-)intriguing and unnatural sciences being undertaken and ACCOMPLISHED, by the government. Stuff, as what-with the mention in edit1 and 2, from last night.

International governments were hard at work with entire departments, each, devoted to pursuit of unraveling more and more of what they'd already established as true, so as to pin it all down for utilization. A lot of it came straight out of the annals of hell which were wrought behind the scenes by Hitler. To say that what they were doing was unholy is far too brief an understatement to even begin to remark upon what all went on behind closed doors, with them--I devoted years to studying, researching, learning as much as possible in all directions...referencing, cross-referencing, further noting, then developing upon what proved as valid.. ..a very precise study, for years. Precision was of utmost.

Again. This is confession.

I blasphemed, by my very nature.
All of it was blasphemy, and blasphemy is the course of this age.
Only by the grace of God, and by that alone...have any of us been delivered.

Because there's been naught else to catch us. There's been naught else which ever could, though.
Truly.

The buildings which call themselves churches are home to hosts of demons.
Hosts of them. Even as there are some with pastors who do...preach the Word, in truth.
There are such vague delineations as that they undo the work of the power which they preach, as they conclude.

So, nothing is upset.
Nothing is torn asunder.

It's devastating to watch.
Even as there are those, in whose eyes I witness an uncharted and unconscious desire to rip the flesh from my face, when they see me...they cannot touch me.
They cannot speak to me either, though.

They dare not.

But perhaps I'm being a bit too off-the-cuff, now?

You all have no idea what a terror it has always been for me to be open with others.
No idea.

I know that's not evident in the way I've been writing, but it's sheerly by the grace of God that it's so, and not of my own design.

This place is housed as open, as self-evident, as full-disclosure and publicly accessible means to who I am in life and in truth, per each word which comes forth. And so knowing has always been an absolute terror.

Because of the vicious tendencies of people. Because they love to rip the throats out of whosoever they deem as different and unconscionable for disagreeing.

Words, my friends, have such a life of their own, once issued. They truly do possess the power of life and death, and most all speak death unto everyone these days.
But that is rebuked, in the name of Jesus Christ who so empowers me as to allow speech beyond my means.

He is my strength. He is my shield. He is my fortress and my salvation. My deliverer. My truth. My way. My light. My will. My hope. And all which had ever been yearned for beyond comprehension, except as to always have known a loss, aching. Always.

He is my all, and so shall He ever remain. For ever having been and become, to continue.

So, I don't taunt. Because that's a fool-hardy offense.
But neither will I mince words, should the Spirit so embolden as to allow.

He lifts me up, in all ways. And I love Him beyond all measure, even as He ever brings me further into His love as so to return, and unto all others.

Thank you, Lord.

...
brief break, above the last preceding line of text. Had to walk away for a minute. Talk to Him, just be with Him. And a moment of worship.

Necessary things. Because a lot of this stuff is not the weak-brew that generally infuses most places, and I have to abide in Him as to be a vessel.

Point of all the last is this.
The truths of the world are exceedingly...mind-bendingly, gut-wrenchingly, life-destroyingly wicked.

And they ARE there. Oh, yes, but they are. Things are so much worse than is comprehensible.
But, then, so are they that much better than can be conceived of, living in Christ.

Which would you rather be caught up in?

I was caught in the former for the vast majority of my life. And ate it up as though it was exceedingly rich and full of savor. It's seductive. It taunts us. It wants us to be so consumed with it that we forget that God is GOD. ...it wants us to be so consumed with it that we lose all conception of what blasphemy even is, to the end that we forget so to speak can even be sacrilege.

Because we can't have both. We can't consume the truths of this world with all ardor and simultaneously serve Christ. Because He is not OF this world, and so to seek any sort of truths in the world is to deviate from Him.

Although...there may be those whom He has called to walk through bits of mire such as this, so to tread. Truth speaking to "truth," in other words.

But that is such a treacherous route, from all appearances, as per Jeremiah 23. Which is why it struck terror in my heart. Just...He must speak it. He must give breath to it. His word never returns void, and I must trust Him to guide me.

As He has. Coming to know His voice and His leading, that has made all the difference.

For, when He says to yield, I must. If He regards something to delete, so it must be. If He calls something into the light, then also so it must go.

To what end, I don't know. Because, something else that had caught me up for a while--you can't fight spiritual battles with physical weaponry. Just can't do it. Period. No discussion.

So, then, must the Holy Spirit lead into and in battle.

Ardent necessity.

I must trust Him. My very life depends upon it, moreso now than ever. And so, I do. But, even that is by grace and not from anything found in me. Which, when it's given to ponder over, is utterly humbling.

Trusting in Him means going where He leads. No matter what it looks like.
But, over the course of years, as He's delivered me time and again from the direct clutches of the enemy (attempted abduction, etcetera)...trust has been reinforced. I trust Him, and He is faithful.
And so, as He is faithful, may I trust Him all the more. Unto life, unto death, unto deliverance and salvation.

It's the way of things, as need be.

He helps me drive, even. Because I can't drive. And a manual transmission? I'd zone out in an automatic and forget which was brake and gas... ...so, just think about that.
He guides me. And it was a point of necessity, in even being able to steward the vehicle.

All things. In all things.

There's just such mass confusion in those who are seeking to follow Him, now. So many doctrines of demons are so rampant. You can have fellowship with Him, personally. He will speak to you, directly, in whatsoever way He chooses. And I've yet to experience an instance in which He did so and I then tested it, wherein He became agitated, belligerent, irate, or disquieted in any way by such a tendency. Rather, it was welcomed and encouraged to do so.

He did want us to be very careful, to "but test the spirits to see whether they are from God."

Which, if you read that carefully, implies that you're also including testing the Holy Spirit. I tell you this because it used to be something I trafficked with--spirits.

By the grace of God, no more. Just the Holy Spirit, all others renounced and rebuked, in the name of Jesus and through the power of His redemptive work in me.

I can tell you, though, from experience...that the others don't readily submit to hours' worth of cross-examination. They just don't. And they don't stick around very long when you start praising the Lord in spirit and in truth, either.

Know that.

Test it.

Then, know it.

EVERYTHING must be discerned as through the Holy Spirit. Because He directs always to Jesus, telling only what He hears, and guiding in Truth. He convicts sin. He reveals truth. Christ, in us.

By the grace of our Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ.

Everything consists in Christ, and by Him are all things which are. So, if you want to be concerned with what is, then He's the ultimate authority, regardless of what the world yet attempts to purport and distract. Period.

Consult with Him, rather than the world.

And, as to fear: I have had to thank the Lord multiple times, these past few days, upon realizing that the pain I'd been enduring last weekend was sufficient to distract my mind more wholly upon Him as to have relegated fear even further away from any conscious domain. It was a work of grace.

Because, ultimately, He delivers and comforts and provides and guides and...all things good and necessary. He loves and is closer than a brother. He is faithful.

So, and this is said with full knowledge that my own efforts as such are completely futile, anything which would seek to encroach upon me? ...anything which would seek to draw me away from Him?
His grace is sufficient.

I draw near to Him, He draws nearer to me. I pray, so to do, and He responds.

It always absolutely astounds, humbles, and overwhelms me when I begin to realize with what immediacy and utter completion beyond hope which he fulfills my needs.

Always. Because of trust. To the end of trust. So knowing, then so it is.

Like, for instance, I'd spoken of how He's told me I'm waiting on Him, now. As far as "active stage" goes, in progression of this...relationship, endeavor, surrender, obedience, development?
I'm "waiting on the Lord."

Today, second church I was called to go to.. ..having been led to attend by the Holy Spirit.
The first bit of scripture read by the pastor was in Isaiah, and the congregation was called to rejoice in it... ..it brought me to tears, for having been such a direct revelation from Him, to me, of the truth of what I've been professing, as in the truth of His recorded word.

Of what it means to wait for the Lord, and of His faithfulness. And...I can't find it, now, and that Bible is still in the car, so noted as to refer.

But it was just...between that bit in Isaiah, then the following few verses, from across Testaments Old and New...? It was precisely what I needed to hear. Encouragement from Him, is what it effected.

And the world will never understand that, because it rejects Him, so it also rejects all His ways.

But it's true. Truth is true.

Always.

The world...twists things. It takes what's pure and mangles beyond recognition. Rejecting truth, out-of-hand, by attempting to make it over in its own image...it blasphemes, by so doing.

Which is why--yeah, I don't understand anything. But I don't need to. There are just bits and pieces here and there, given so as to share. Permitted and prompted.

As part of the process of growing, still, even. Which is what utterly blows my mind. That, being so completely...wherever it is I am...there are still things being permitted, to do.

So, even as I can't control how things are taken, what becomes of them, or to what end...? Neither do I nor would I want to. Because it's all just so far beyond me. I meddled long enough to know that, entirely. Better just to approach everything prayerfully, id est as prompted by and directed by the Holy Spirit.

Walking in the Spirit.

Which I'd love to be able to explain, but it's beyond explanation. When I was talking with Him about it, while on break a brief while ago...
...what came to mind was that, yes, as it's been noted that there are so many seeming discrepancies, superficially, in the way things are "done." In regard to "do this," "don't do that," but "do this sometimes, too," and "it's okay to do it, though, if it's done in this way"...
The thing is, we're always looking for methodology, as a matter of course for the ways of modern humanity. Maybe as an always sort of thing, as to humanity. We long for some sort of order, some sort of structure, so as to be able to proceed in more and more efficient ways, unto "progress" and "accomplishment" and "advancement."

When it comes to walking in the Spirit, though, those who do so are likened at an instance as being "like the wind." Which immediately struck me, upon reading it.

John 3:8
The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit."

And...well...

...let me put it in different terms.

Like, when I talk about "studying" something these days, that's just an easier way of relegating what actually goes on to a term which is more readily acceptable as understood, by folks other than those who are actively involved in similar sorts of process.

What I actually mean when I say "prayer and study" has altered drastically over the course of my walk with the Lord.

It started out pretty much just like what the words generally represent, but the further along things go with Him, the more intimately directed are those courses.

Such that now, prayer is moreso conversation, although sometimes it's also what folks generally consider prayer. It's communion with the Holy Spirit. Fellowship with the Holy Spirit. Talking with Jesus, as completely insane as that sounds to someone who hasn't experienced it and tested it as true, for themselves.

These past six months have consisted almost solely of intensive time alone with the Lord. Almost entirely. From the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed. All day, every day.
And it was...this is terrible to say, but must be admitted...nearly torture, to begin with.
I just wanted to go and do ALL THE THINGS.
All of them, just anything. Just SOMETHING. Rather than sit and read and pray.
Only...I'd prayed to have time with Him to truly get to know Him.
I'd asked Him to be able to just...walk with Him, completely.

The way that worked out was, first off, in giving up Florida. You know, that sunny state with all the beaches, down southeast on the shoreline of the United States?
The one that everyone in this region, at least, epitomizes as the end-all, be-all of where to be.
Because it's beautiful and it's warm. And ALL the conveniences to be found in the world are just..right..there. Working at an amusement park, painting faces, part-time? Outdoors all day?
Supplementary income as a work-at-home with my own set hours? Which as also had to be abandoned, for the call.

But, it was posh. Goodness, prior to that...prior to the face-painting and work-at-home...what pretty much constituted the complete nervous breakdown which resulted from walking away from the Lord so as to do such a thing as it required me...was being just literally handed (I never applied--they called me) a job as high-level management within a 100,000 square foot, two-story, high end retail establishment. A posh job, in other words, by the world's standards. Good money. Decent work hours. All the internal compromise of morals you could ever ask for, as part of maintaining the requisite status quo, though. To the extent that they were beginning, last month of employ there before really falling apart...they were embarking upon a full-scale indoctrination of all management into traditional Zen Buddhist mentality.

Seriously.

Not even kidding.

The store I'd co-managed prior to that one...also a national chain of high repute...had begun to establish the EXACT same mentality amongst upper management, a month or less prior to my complete nervous breakdown there.

I recognize Zen Buddhist theosophy because I was an adherent to it (and most of the other esoteric religions, concurrent, with each gaining and losing focus at different stages) for over a decade, prior to beginning to seek Christ with all ardor.

Two national retailers, multi-billion dollar businesses, which are now running the show according to ancient Asian modes of thought. Becoming nothing, as to be all. Sound familiar, at all? Yeah, but without Jesus Christ, it wholly equates to becoming nothing but a channel for every random influence which would seek to oppress...or even possess, as has seen instance.

Because you get to the point where you're trying to channel your inner being, Holmes. Do we really need to go down that path, as far as what that does mean, of the unconverted?

Discipline is something which was sought by the initial proponents of that mode of thought. ABSOLUTE discipline. Not what passes for discipline, this society.

So, there are some major issues there, without even having to begin to go any further. Just superficially, there are issues. Period.

I just got all hippy-trippy dreamed up about how I could get into the midst of the beast and change it from within. "Be the change," hm? That's pretty Zen, too, actually.

Don't study it. It'll warp your mind. Just as it's a perversion of the truth of Christ. A perversion of what it means to walk in the Spirit.

It will pervert your mind. It did mine, but by the grace of God...delivered.

Just...when I tell you I was IN it, as to recognize it? I went toe-to-toe with either Ram Dass or one of his intimate associates one night--not sure whether it was dude or not. And bested him, to his amazement. But...what's to brag, at who's best at blasphemy?

Just to note that, as to how merciful the Lord is. Because, by all rights, I deserve nothing less than absolute damnation. Completely. And all I can tell you of why I'm not dead from all the many things, and already condemned in my own acts for all eternity...is just because He is good. And He is faithful. And He is loving, beyond any ability to comprehend.

Having been delivered from all that does make it set off alarms and red flags and a whole arsenal of warning, within, when it's encountered, though. By grace, entirely.

Just...back to that...walking in the Spirit. Walking with the Lord. Walking with God. Jesus, always Jesus.

For the sake of becoming closer to Him, all the rest was forsaken, and over the passage of time...even so brief, still...I look back and see how absolutely horrendous all those things were. How utterly corrupt. How blasphemous. How much an abomination.

And it's all I can do to just cling to Him, all the more, for having been forgiven...for realizing how precious that forgiveness is, increasingly, given increasing awareness of how abominable I'd been...and to cling to Him for how great a love He has shown me, in having delivered me from such things as are an absolute and total affront to the only one whose love should ever matter, as it's the only which is true.

He is precious beyond comprehension, and ever moreso.

So, when I say I study and pray, initially it was that, by standard interpretation. And attending church, hearing the Word, hearing truth and feeling it resound evermore clearly within me--catching at my heart. And, increasingly, I'd begun to notice things within myself which were just completely off-kilter. My heart had begun to harden, end of last year. Or maybe it was just that I'd begun to realize it's hardness? Because it had to've been hard beyond all reckoning, prior to that, given some of what I'd done without flinching.

But, sometime in December, I think it was...I was walking into the apartment and just noticed that my heart was not nearly as compassionate as it had ought to be. And I went to the Lord about it, and asked Him to unharden it...however, just that I didn't want to be callous and unfeeling. That all realized and prayed with a great deal of fear, at having noted it hard, honestly. It was a terrifying realization. Because there was absolutely nothing -I- could do about it.. but I prayed.

And, that was that.

And, then nice bit of a nervous breakdown, shortly thereafter, and I'd already written about the period following hospitalization, what-with being totally physically incapacitated and realizing need to surrender to God. And doing so.

All these instances were interspersed with periodic bouts of research into Biblical and historical texts, prayer, and fellowship with folks in church. The latter of which actually helped, honestly. No matter what all they had or have going on, still...it helped to fellowship. They accepted me.

And, like I'd mentioned before, I experienced the presence of God during services. That made all the difference in the world.

As the months have progressed, giving up the job (nervous breakdown, yeah--literal terms of: do I die or do I quit the job?, even though they wanted to make accommodations for me to return...to be fired?--no idea.) turned into giving up the free-for-all "I can drink on weekends"-lifestyle which accommodated "witnessing" in bars...while drinking, mind you; which turned into giving up the living arrangement; which turned into giving up karaoke; which turned into giving up socializing with folks who aren't willing to either discuss the glory of Jesus or at least let me talk about Him; which turned into a need to escape being immersed in the evils of the world on all sides; which turned into a desire to serve others; which turned into a desire to be amongst family and help in whatever capacity; which turned into a desire to utterly forsake Florida; which begat a desire to fellowship even more closely with the Lord; which begat a desire to be wholly conformed to His will; which begets a desire to know Him more fully, and on and on and on.

Went from periodic prayer, periodically glimpsing passages in the Bible for stability, periodically attending church services; to more frequent prayer, more frequent Bible reading, more desire for Rhema Word; to a desire for the presence of God throughout all my waking life, to more sporadic yet devoted and fulfilling ventures in the Word which concurred with themes noted in multiple churches attended and in life-things; to a desire to not step outside the presence of God as having Him present throughout all waking hours, fasting, and more intensive query of the scripture coinciding with devouring materials which had caught attention randomly as works published by prior men and women of God; to a desire for ever increasingly realization of the presence of God throughout all hours--waking or sleep, alongside continual fellowship with the Lord even unto prayer, alongside reading of scripture which seems so living and vital as though it were being heard rather than read, alongside periodic bouts of random study in various directions which elucidate scripture reading further, alongside listening to the words of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as to gain from the experience of their understanding and own walk with the Lord, alongside random intervals of witnessing the Gospel to others, alongside completely random points of direct fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ (Yay! Thank you, Lord, for my brother Ray, who works in the Red Cross telecenter! Bless him and his family, Lord, and draw them ever nearer! Thank you, Jesus!) , alongside attending more church services than are comprehensible...wholly as directed by the Spirit, so to attend, alongside whatever other random thing is interjected as a point for pursuit by the Spirit.

So, yeah. I might wake up tomorrow and have to drive an hour to fellowship with someone. Or might have to make phone calls to some particular people who come to mind alongside an unction so to do. Or might need to witness to someone in the gas station, as the Lord so directs and enables and emboldens. Or, might need to do laundry.

I don't know. I won't know until I get there.

I'm just blessed to be able to come on this medium as to share.

Because, yeah. Fellowshipping with the Lord, almost exclusively, is more of a blessing than can be said...but I'm still overcoming(?) the desire to fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. It is SUCH a joy to talk about Him, to just give testimony and hear testimony of the wondrous changes He's wrought! And such a blessing to praise Him, amongst others similarly doing. =)
And such a blessing to be able to sit and discuss the bits and pieces given, because sometimes other people have pieces He'd like me to have, same as the ones I have being also wholly intended for others to partake of. Which is why this is here, perhaps.

I don't know.

And I'm fine with that, because I know that He knows. And that's far more than enough.

If you don't trust the ultimate authority on and over everything, in what or whom do you trust, hm?
In Him, alone, do I trust.
In Him, alone, we all must.

So to be saved.
Blessed assurance.
Sanctuary.

Discernment is key.

One thing I'd been led to ardently tell my sister, before she had gone full on into the influence of the spirit of antichrist which is so rampant (anybody telling you or implying they're Christ is under that influence, period--I know this from having had it try to find purchase in me, for a while...now, if THAT isn't an absolute blasphemy, I don't know what else is...but by the grace of God, seriously. This world is absolute madness, right now. COMPLETE chaos. You had best be getting real with the Lord--there's no time for dallying or pansying about just talking to Jesus, outright, plus then doing some for real cross-examination to weed out anything else which might have tried to interfere. In ALL seriousness.)... but, yeah, before she let loose restraint and went full-tilt into oppression--which, that stuff is seriously seductive, y'all. Don't even laugh. Don't take it lightly. Don't think it "off," as a thing said.

It is real. And it is attempting to invade everything, anymore.

I was able to write about it a couple(?) months ago, as far as how this is an age of blasphemy. And that's why. Because the spirit of anti-Christ is rampant.

You MUST be strong in the Lord. You MUST trust in Him, and in Him alone.

And the ONLY way to do that is to KNOW HIS VOICE.

So, now is the time. While there's any time at all left, so to do.
Because I have no idea how much time is left. Maybe 500 years, for all I know.

It really doesn't matter.
Proverbs 18:14
The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

There's only one who can heal. One who will.
Just if you start now. Start talking to Him directly, now, conversationally...
...if you start now.

Your timeframe may be much different than mine, even. It took me months to even have the thought of fellowship as being camaraderie, despite the bit about Him being "closer than a brother," that I can't even remember when that started. Honestly, it may have been last year, right about this time.

Which...yes. It was.

It has taken a year. And those first few conversations were very, very awkward. I couldn't even bring myself to say His name, then. It was too uncomfortable to do.

I just...pretended He was sitting in the car with me, one of the many, many nights I was out driving by myself...and started talking, bit by bit. And it was an internal sort of response. If you've never discerned spiritually, before...I don't know how to describe it to you. But there is a difference in tone, between one's own "internal voice" and that of each and every spiritual being which attempts to input.

Which brings me to note, just momentarily, that I keep having people try to tell me that the devil can't read minds. If a person can read minds, why wouldn't the devil be able to?

Seriously.

And I KNOW people can read minds. Both from having my own read, at random, and by having done so, myself. To varying degrees of success. Renounced in the name of Jesus, as an abomination. Just...If you must look to science to see that such a thing's possible (given that most folks consider it the ultimate authority, these days--which, if that's the case...might wanna get a check on where your heart is, friend), go and do so...science mimics nature, in its gadgetry. "Improving," as it is considered.
They've got the technology, now, although I'm not sure what degree of success they're publicly acknowledging, as of yet.

What once was alchemy now is science. Have fun with that. And by "have fun," I mean--REPENT. Please, for the sake of our dear Lord, repent!

We all must. It is a necessity. Constantly, as constantly self-examining, so as to grow in the Lord.

Talking with my sister, though, before that madness invaded unto oppression (again--Praise the Lord, she has been delivered!)...things came out which I didn't know. First off, I told her that the importance of reading scripture is, if in nothing else, it will familiarize you with the voice of the Lord. Because everything has to be cross-examined. But knowing His voice is EVERYTHING. His sheep recognize His voice.

Which, if you've got other stuff whispering in your ear...you might want to check which voice is reading the scripture to you against which witnesses within you while praising Jesus against which draws nigh when you pray. Always cross-examine.

Or, at least that's how it's been for me. But, again--my circumstances and where I'm coming from are different than yours, in all likelihood.

So, pray about it. Be led. Trust in Jesus, above all.
He helps us to do so, even.

Just as the man who cried, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"

In the walk, seeking Him first, talk with Him openly.

If you were visiting your best friend, who happened to be a well-reputed doctor of general medicine, and you had recently sustained serious injury, without treated, yet refused to even consider mentioning it to him...then, months later, after the visit concluded...your limb ended up being amputated because of infection...don't you think that friend would be hurt that you didn't count him a good enough friend, or either didn't trust his aptitude enough, as to at least ask him what he thought? Not even to call him about it, at any point over duration?

or

If you were an accomplished master carpenter and your best friend in the entire world had an entire bedroom suite custom made to specifications which he'd designed himself, yet didn't tell you about it and then tried to keep you from his house, so you would never see it in passing...even though he'd put pictures on facebook, blocking you, but forgetting that your dad was his facebook friend...wouldn't you be just a bit hurt, as not only did he not come to you first--knowing how carefully you'd have tended his designs--but also he was completely making a mockery of your friendship by refusing to even acknowledge what was done? Wouldn't that make it seem as though your friend didn't really think very much of you, after all?

Then why do that to Jesus. He's not some sort of "Santa Claus" like I hear so many references to, lately. No, oh, no. But He sincerely and genuinely cares more than we could ever comprehend. So, even as He is due all praise...then, also, does He also ask us to cast our burdens upon Him. For His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

And it is, compared to all I'd been dealing with in the world. Yeah, sure, outside appearances are a bit weird for folks who are mired in the world, given all the things which have been forsaken for the sake of taking up my own cross, as to follow Him...but, He's right there with me.

And that's more than anything. He is Wonderful.

Either way, that's enough for now.

Even as talking about Him all day, every day, is never enough.
Go to Him first. And always. In everything.
He is our sanctuary, no matter the storm.

He is the only sanctuary in this world.