Another cautionary tale. I traipse blindly into error, then He draws me back.
This world and everything in it is so much struggling to exalt itself against a knowledge of Christ, a knowledge of God. In our Western culture, that moreso has taken the shape of a denial of spiritual reality, a denial of the existence of the so-called supernatural.
How long has the build-up on this attack been coming?...for centuries. Gradually undermining the truth of spiritual reality by first esteeming science as though it were somehow entirely separate from such considerations, unto a point as it now has come, where the possibility of scientific exploration of reality is religiously touted as the beginning and end of possible knowledge.
Years and years worth of build-up to this point, gradually stoking the ego of man unto whole-scale proclamation of himself as distinctly sovereign, per popular opinion. Then even going so far as to degrade even that self-image, as making all creatures seem akin to man.
So, first having taken eyes away from God, refuting man's obligation to God by replacing the knowledge of God with self-consumption...then, going so far as to attempt to even degrade the image of God in man, by making man into common animal. Esteeming all animals, in other words, as equal. When only man was created in the image of his Creator.
This isn't to say that animals aren't precious. Not at all.
But it is to say that man was given a special place in all of creation by God, Himself. Above animals.
And society is going so far in attempt to blaspheme and mock and denigrate the name of our Maker as to even degrade ourselves, as to do so. It does constitute a further maligning of His name to degrade His work, in ways. Despite that nothing can touch Him, honestly. We as much as fling grains of sand at distant galaxies (and have more impact upon those galaxies in so doing) as do any injustice to God by blaspheming Him.
It's ourselves we harm in blaspheming Him. And one another. And the planet.
We spite ourselves, one another, and creation by blaspheming God. He isn't changed nor marred by our "warfare" against Him, by our rebellion and loathing. But we are. We're destroyed by our turning away from Him.
One of the best examples I've heard of this was by Michael Ramsden, in terms of the futility of breaking God's laws, commandments, and precepts. As His moral laws are akin to the physical laws of nature, in terms of their constancy and effectiveness...then, just as the law of gravity stands, so do the moral commandments. So, consider what would happen if someone decided to break the law of gravity. They get to the top of a roof and step off the edge, intent upon proving they can break the law of gravity. Instead, they prove the law, while breaking themselves.
Physics is fairly simple. Explicitly principled. And even as there are so many, many, many different operant forces and laws which have been detected, effecting and controlling and restricting and ordering all the many ways of what all goes on in our universe...according to which things operate and interact, moreover...
...then rules of order are rules of order, and for each realm there are parallelisms, equivalent structures regarding rules of order and right operation which are operant and distinctly applicable to each differing sort of sphere of reality (physics, math, music, social order, morality, etc.).
And with there being parallel orders of operation, then the baseline function according to which they each operate within their own realms are consistent, as well.
Just as the law of gravity isn't broken in that instance, then neither is moral law broken. It's acted against, but the effect is a broken person, a broken society, a broken world.
And it's so utterly insidious, the way it manifests and just...creeps into every single corner of being and action and thought and word. It's really like a sickness. It is a spiritual disease, sin is. And the effect is so pervasive that it even manifests unto the physical...which order of operation as goes that process is yet beyond comprehension, and it need not be known except to know that it does occur.
Two things have been recent fixations:
Unity
Joy
All things resolve in Christ. So, any disunity or disease or discomfort or despair is in some fashion a result of separation from Him. This, even as individual manifestations of disease aren't necessarily a direct result of personal separation, so much as of the state of all the world. Which...really...for so much as disease infects and infests and destroys...it would seem as though we'd turn and repent, seek healing and help.
But, no. All the more, we turn to ourselves. Our own ways, our own wills.
But it's all about Him. And getting distracted from pursuit of Him yields to general decline.
It's just the way of things. Period. He's designed and ordered this universe and everyone in it. And it's the oddest thing, absolutely incomprehensible, that He's made it so that seeking and finding Him is the most fulfilling and joyous experience imaginable (far beyond imagination, really, and exceedingly progressively so). Beyond all comprehension, it's joy to know Him and to revel in knowing Him and fellowshipping with Him. Through suffering and through elation. Through all things, joy to know Him.
And He made it that way. He made us that way--we're fulfilled in Him. And nowhere else, truly, no matter what manner of delusion might periodically hold sway...all else is delusion and is finite. The joy found in coming to Him is fathomless.
A unification with Him, in Spirit, is all the joy of being full. Truly well. Beyond measure, even knowing there's ever more to relish, and always more to come. Incomprehensible.
I've been asking about the way of things, in terms of what it seems is necessary for me, compared to others. And aside of there being the whole deal that it's really not my business to know quite what He has for others, there is awareness that each of us do have distinct delineations along which He leads. Same Spirit, same Lord. Same transformation unto His image. But we each are distinctly created, thus distinctly shaped and led.
So, the things which are for me to do aren't the things for others to do, even as there are often overlaps with some of us...and there are definite overlaps with all of us who seek Him, in terms of our need of Him, our love for one another, and our ongoing need to be directed to Him, edified in Him, and fellowshipping with Him, even through one another. So, He directs and He interprets our speech, even one to another, unto edification in His love and truth and guidance.
Just, as with these particulars which apparently are necessary for me...they may or may not be quite the same as is necessary for you. The desired result of what pursuit is being endeavored is one we must surely share, though--to walk more closely with Christ, to know Him more deeply, and to have a greater revelation of His truth and Spirit, of Him. Whatever it takes, is the thing.
For me, it seems that's going to be finding places to worship with others on a daily basis. Whatever it takes. Wherever that takes me.
And, I'm very prayerfully acknowledging that this may even mean further instances of being compelled to flee, wailing with grief, from other places of worship to collapse in prayer in the parking lot, sobbing. I'm resigned to this as a possibility. And if it's the Lord's will that it would happen, anything similar or so, even...then I trust and know He'll guide and protect and impart speech as necessary in whatever such instance goes, as before.
It's a dread thought. Like a weight upon the heart, sorrow. But if there are places it's not His will I should go, then I won't. There've already been three I've looked into which weren't approved.
Just, whatever it takes. I've felt distant from Him, in particular ways, these past many months without constant church. He has sustained me...so graciously, beyond comprehension. And, yet, I long for more...I long to spend time in worship alongside brethren.
I long to more plainly speak with Him again, and things have been so cloudy. My vision has been so darkened by distractions.
Distractions as would entirely erase awareness of Him from me, if that were possible (by grace, it's not). There are still periodic and yet regular attempts to siderail from continuing with Him--so many insidious attempts to tempt me to turn slightly to the left or the right...still, the argument that it should be just fine to go and be a "normal Christian," and just work, live, and go to church on Sunday.
thing is...that's not Christianity.
Not really.
To know Him is to love Him or to despise Him. And with as meaningless as my life was, while I yet despised Him...for there to be any cooling of my affections equates to a loss of interest in life. That's not a tenable position for someone who was plagued by severe depression to rest or linger or even visit. Especially knowing the option of relishing life, for finding peace, hope, love, and joy in Christ.
It's really not a difficult decision, there. On the one hand, I could be utterly despondent, anxious, despairing, listless, discontent, apathetic, and morose...or...I can be encouraged, peaceful, hopeful, zealous for life (which is Christ), replete with love, compassionate, and joyful.
That's really...not a contest. So, while it may be an uphill battle from the outset, the knowledge that Christ will help in this is so very reassuring. I couldn't even want to draw nearer to Him, so as to be sustained and replenished continually, except that He gave me such a desire, to desire it. I wouldn't know to even need that, except that He allowed me the knowledge. And reassured the knowledge per experience which reinforces the truth of the matter. As to further feed the desire.
It only took a minor pang of discontent with the manner of things, before. And even that was borne of Him, seriously. But that pang of discontent, lifted up to God with yearning for satisfaction against the felt need...was sufficient a beginning.
December before last, it was only a moment of realization of how hard had my heart become--for one instant, I was given awareness of how cold, how unfeeling was my heart. And it shocked me into a sort of despair, realizing I'd become so cold, so unfeeling, so immovable...so lifeless...
...and in that despair, a cry arose within me for there to be a change, for my heart to be changed. And with every bit as much as could be mustered from that heart of stone, that desire was felt as a cry of remorse and longing for life and succor.
He's brought me so far, since then. Even bringing me to see how quickly and completely I'd fall into absolute error constantly, except that He keeps me. I'd just wallow in sin, still, except that He keeps me. And it's not even because I want it--I despair of it...
...I just have no strength, in myself, to refrain from falling.
He is my only strength.
And I'm continually still attempting to refrain from sinning by turning to my own understanding, devising schemes, attempting reasoning against sin, rationalizing ways away from it...even trying to think my way out of treading there. It's wretched. I'm wretched, still, in so many ways. And all the more humbled to realize it's only His grace that keeps me from being a complete and utter wreck unto all and every whom I encounter.
I've asked Him about it, though, as far as the strangeness that's currently on-trend in churches, regarding sin and refraining from sin (working unto holiness). And there's a lot of weirdness.
There's maybe only one pastor...maybe two...who are currently in practice on this side of eternity...
...who speak in any way sufficiently to these things.
Because it's not about reasoning our way out of these things. Possessing knowledge and understanding won't exalt some mystical barrier against sin.
Drawing nearer to Christ is the only thing. He's our refuge. He's our strength. He's the one who provides deliverance from temptation.
And part of the assault against Him on that front, waged against us who are His...
...is the attempt to get us to think that we shouldn't turn to Him more fully until we've somehow gained more a mastery over sins or until we've somehow managed to get to a point where we're not constantly floundering in the midst of temptations.
That is a lie straight from the devil.
It is in drawing nearer to Christ that we become able to refrain from falling into temptation. It is His Spirit at work within us which gives us the strength to refrain from giving in. It is His abiding presence which makes sin less and less desirable and more and more deplorable...as we move further and further into a deeper and vaster awareness of His presence...step by step closer, nearer, deeper with Him...draws us further and further out of sin.
And I falter. And I suppose we all do and will, maybe, until that day of total deliverance. But I don't know if it has to be that way.
Because there's definitely a duplicity in saying that we're now dead to sin, we are to walk as Christ walks...while also saying that we will continue sinning until we die or are taken to be with Christ.
And it all has to be taken into account also alongside John's thought about how no one who says they are without sin knows God. ..although the interpretation I have many times recently heard, in terms of justifying the continuation of sin, as considering those who don't continue to sin in some fashion to be in denial rather than actually having become master over sin through the power of Christ within them, working in all their members.
I don't know that using a verse to justify continuing in sin is a good or right thing. I understand the fear surrounding that bit, though--on the one hand, if we're supposed to really walk as Jesus did...without sin...pure...and we're not even attempting because we don't believe it's possible...then that's a major point of fearful conviction. But, on the other hand, if we would actually believe it's possible to reach a point of walking so closely with Christ as to be delivered from all sin...then, are we only deceived for thinking such a thing is desirable in this lifetime, when sin abounds all around us and it's clearly impossible to master sin in one's own strength?
A phrase I heard in one of this past Sunday's sermons really struck me, as it touched so searingly upon these struggles of mine, of late...
"We just have to figure out a way to..."
*sigh*
Yeah. No.
If that's all it took, we'd all be saints and prophets. We'd all be completely holy, yesterday.
We're just not capable of doing the work of God. And sanctification is His work in us.
Faith is His work in us. So, holiness is utterly His domain. And our walk in grace, unto others...all the same.
We want to be able to do all these things ourselves, because that's the nature of the flesh--to do what it wants, when it wants, according to the ways it thinks are right and good and necessary and justifiable and timely. The flesh makes no place for God, having been corrupted.
It must continually be brought into subjection to Christ, then. And only He can do that work, even. We can't subjugate ourselves unto Him, because our own understanding is exalted against Him until He changes it from being so...and at the point of it having been changed, then increasingly it's changed unto a total subjection unto His will, which increasingly realizes self-directed effort is futile.
Which means...
...petition to Christ is constantly required.
...and waiting patiently upon Him is part of the process of progress, continually.
In other words:
We have to move ever closer into a state of constant fellowship with Him, consciously communing with His Spirit in thought and deed, seeking His will in all things, seeking all things of self be brought into subjection to His will and ways, to His glory.
And all the while, in all of this, it's only by His will that it can happen.
We're just not capable.
We can't.
Everything in us is against Him.
Except that He bring it into submission.
Which He does.
And will.
Because He loves.
And He's good.
And answers those who seek and continue to seek...knock and continue to knock...ask and continue to ask.
He will do as He has said He will do. And sanctification of the saints is one of the many things which He's said He'll do.
I'm just personally being shown that it's not a matter of my own effort. I can go and do this, that, and all sundry, and unless it's His will for progress...then, it'll just be continuation of a seeking for Him, in one way unto another, until the level of desperation so deepens as to make all else just utterly fall into shadow. And that's more or less where I'm at again now.
Which means daily church. And potential major humiliation again, as part of that course.
Which--again--so be it, if it's His will.
I don't even care. It doesn't matter.
Just, I can't live like this any more...this sense of distance from Him. This sense of having compromised, being distracted by so many worldly things again which just leave me feeling utterly icky and ill and empty and uncomfortable. Unnecessary conversations which don't entirely revolve around Christ nor, at the very least, around loving others...but, instead, are empty, void of meaning.
To switch back, again:
There is a constant choice to be made between exalting Christ and indulging self. Only, of the latter...it's a fleshly indulgence. Because, ultimately, exalting Christ is such that...He blesses us with joy and all manner of goodness as we are near Him. So...in exalting Him, we end up also being drawn into His joy, which is a greater good than any fleshly indulgence could even begin to approach.
But the flesh continually has to be overcome by His Spirit, so to come to a point of even desiring His nearness. His presence becomes uncomfortable, is fleshly indulgence is oft preferred. His presence becomes discomfiting, readily turned from and spurned.
I know, for having once done so continually. Spurning Him, because it was more desirable to give into random, wanton distractions--whether spending hours poring over needless, mindless drivel online or reading nonsensical, pointless novels without end, so to quell the otherwise disquiet in my soul, arisen for having rejected Christ's presence. In any case, though, turning to other things which aren't needful, edifying, loving, uplifting, true, hopeful, joyous, and of good report...equated to a turning away from Him. An indulgence in the flesh.
Quelling His Spirit. Grieving Him, even, at times.
And when His Spirit is spurned, the joy of His fellowship is also turned away from. The peace of His companionship is rejected.
In favor of indulgence of "natural" inclinations.
Habitual, most usually.
He can break the habit, though. If we want Him to, make it known.
The joy of His fellowship, though...
...if we aren't fellowshipping with Him, then how would we expect to know His joy?
It's something of familiarity and presence. Intimacy. Not fleeting glances. Lingering communion, borne of true desire for worship and obedience. Which, even then, only comes from deep pursuit, intimate exchange. Fellowship which is regular and abiding.
Unity of spirit.
Not passing.
Purposeful. And intentionally perpetual.
These are the things He's shown me.
And it's still a matter of the fact that I'm not even capable of keeping myself there. I can't force myself to maintain that purposeful, perpetual fellowship with Him, consciously as is necessary. I'm just not capable. The breeze distracts me. The passing of time distracts me. Constant assaults upon my thought-life distracts me continually.
But He keeps me, otherwise I'd not still be here at all. With as prone to wander as I am, I'd have long been gone from pursuit of Him, if He weren't keeping me. And it's a sad state of affairs to have to admit to, but it's the truth. I have no constancy in my flesh. I have no commitment. I have no motivation. I have no ability to maintain. I am prone to wander and to completely disintegrate at the drop of a hat.
But He keeps me.
He's kept me through all the difficulties of the last year. Through complete uncertainty of finances, living arrangements, and transportation. Through the loss of all of my friends, as a result of claiming Christ. Through my family's rejection, as a result of zeal for Christ yielding refusal to ignore or continue in sin. Through the death of my grandmother and others. Through the assaults from within and without--sickness, uncertainty, weakness, and fear. Through my own failures, inconsistencies, and faithlessness. He has kept me.
I forget, sometimes, that I have lost everything to Him. Because of Him.
For Him.
Let it all be gone. Even what He's given me, now. If it means more to know Him, more deeply to fellowship with Him. More clearly and truly and deeply to know Him.
There's nothing else of worth. All else is empty, compared.
I would have Christ and nothing else, if the choice must again be made.
And, having Him, I have all.
There is nothing else.
So, in terms of what goes on, right now...in the church...
...we need to pray. Beseech Him, that He will again unify us in love.
To Him, through Him to one another.
He is first.
If we are not ardently seeking Him, we will find no other truth or sustenance, no other lasting substance or consistency.
There is no other tie to bind.
So, if we aren't seeking Him ardently, in whatsoever way He gives unto each of us, we won't come into His peace more fully, more fully reveling in His love and joy. And we won't and cannot come to know peace and unity with one another, as His body.
Not just interdenominationally, my friends. Intra.
Because the body is made up of many parts.
And, honestly, I know I'd called some things as akin to witchcraft a few months ago...but, honestly, I really don't know. He knows, and right now...matters of the heart, in terms of whether there's truly seeking subjection to Christ or exaltation of one's own will...
...that's too deep and vital a point for such a summary assessment to even begin to take into account.
There are those who aren't seeking His will out of love and obedience. But, then, which of us seeks His will perfectly, loves Him completely as He deserves?
So, yeah.
I don't know.
There's a root of truth from which each such movement spawned. We are to rely upon His word as wholly true. We are to know He does fulfill His word. Period. And if we walk in such faith as to truly be gifted to believe for all things which He spoke, individually and collectively...then, that's a blessing and not to be taken lightly.
Just...again--where is the heart? Is it spent on self-aggrandizement or on glorifying God?
And...again...
...only He truly knows the state of a heart. I could sit and tally presumed proof as "fruits" all day, but unless He specifically reveals something...all I'm doing is counting atoms. To what end?
I've been so caught up in that, again and again. Out of fear and desire for self-preservation, mostly. Fear of falling prey. Terror of having been deluded so deeply. Fear of falling back into error.
But He's the one who keeps me. I don't keep myself.
So, no matter how tall the walls I might build between myself and whatever else--people, doctrine, practices, whatsoever else...
...unless He build the wall, I labor in vain. It'll fall as easily as it was erected, and I could just as easily slip and ever I have. Without ability to prevent myself.
It's all Him.
All the more reason it's a matter for absolute rejoicing, that He's trustworthy, faithful, and good!
Because it's just the same for each of us. He keeps us. He delivers us. He teaches us. He sanctifies us. He draws us near to Himself. And He keeps us there.
There is no other hope. No matter how well we might construct our arguments, reason our logic, rationalize our strategies. No matter how well we might study all the ways of all the ages. We have no hope, in ourselves, and it's all just empty practice. He, alone, keeps us and delivers us. Even as He may and does use various means by which to do so.
Which, again...for me...is going to apparently mean going to all the three million churches (exaggeration, yes). Constantly. Apparently. I'm still praying about it, because He'll have to manage and direct the process, too, otherwise it won't even happen. It just needs to. Or something does. And that seems it.
But I'm going to trust Him to empower me to maintain the conviction and motivation to proceed. He has been doing so. He will continue.
Whatever your equivalent practice is, as goes pursuit of Him...pray that He will give you strength to pursue Him all the more ardently. He, alone, is our refuge and our strength. He will teach You, according to His word...according to Scripture...by His Spirit. Seek Him. Pray that He will give you will and strength and direction, as to do so. He will.
The Lord bless you and keep you.
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